SECRET TO HAPPINESS? THINK OF 12 REASONS TO BE MISERABLE

Something useful from the Boston Globe:

Students asked to come up with a longer list of reasons they would fail reported feeling more confident than those asked for a shorter list. Indeed, they reported feeling as confident as the students who had been asked to come up with the short list of ways to succeed - by the authors’ calculation, thinking of 12 ways to fail had the same effect as thinking of three ways to succeed.

WHAT DO YOU HEAR WITH YOUR NOSE?

In this comic strip, a space alien who can sense gravity waves though a rooster's-comb-like feature on his head gets asked "what do you see with your mohawk?".

The little guy had trouble answering, and it occurred to me why. He doesn't "SEE" with his mohawk. The comic doesn't go into it, but he'd have another verb entirely that means "to detect gravity waves with your mohawk".

It'd be like having a blind alien ask, "what do you hear with your eyes?". After stammering for a bit, you might come up with either "light waves", or "electromagnetic radiation vibrating in the 400 to 790 trillion cycles per second range."

Which would make you a complete alien freak to them, if the Blindanarians had the normal human hearing range of being able to dectect atmospheric vibrations of 20 to 20,000 cycles per second.

Oh, and to answer the title question, you hear "airborne chemicals with concentrations as low as 1 part per million"

God, humans are such FREAKS!

GO RUN ON THE EVIAN TICKET

Richard Viguerie blogs on the proposal being considered by the Republican National Committee that would deny funding to candidates who did not meet political litmus tests on various issues: "I'm pleased the state chairmen have voted unanimously against litmus tests for candidates. I'm hopeful the whole Republican National Committee will follow this recommendation. As I noted last December, the litmus test proposal is well-intentioned but would do little to solve the two fundamental problems within the Republican Party: bad leadership and conservative acquiescence to bad leadership."

Dude, if you can't pass a litmus test, you're not an acid, you're not a base, you're barely even fucking water, so why are you in an idealogically-based party?

Get the fuck out.

Pussy.

FINALLY, A USEFUL DREAM

I dreamed I was working at some dead-end, thankless job with some other guy, where we both slaved away all day, but we never got any recognition.

I was bitching about it, and he just looked at me, shrugged, and said "no bread, no basket".

You ever got to a restaurant where they bring you a basket of complimentary bread? Everybody wants the bread. The bread's the star of the show. The basket's just there to make it look good.

If the restaurant didn't need to serve good-looking bread, they'd have no use at all for a basket.

"No bread, no basket".

Working support is better than not working at all.

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME

Does anyone else think "iPad" sounds like a feminine hygiene product?

UPDATE: Not just me. Also MadTV. In 2005.

Video hat tip: Blogson Bitterroot of Friction & Harmony:

[YouTube direct link]

COURTESY LINK

In a case of premature selectionation (which I sincerely hope is not a metaphor for anything else in his life, because John is a great guy), Right Wing News is asking who I'd support as the RNC selectee in 2012:

Haley Barbour
Jeb Bush
Mitch Daniels
Newt Gingrich
Mike Huckabee
Sarah Palin
Ron Paul
Mike Pence
Rick Perry
Tim Pawlenty
Mitt Romney
John Thune

Politically speaking, I'd like to pick Newt Gingrich, since he's a clever and eloquent speaker who can explain the foundations of freedom off-the-cuff better than most people can with script, a teleprompter, cue cards, and James Earl Jones doing a voiceover.

Trouble is, anytime a Democrat actually stands up to him, he folds up like a cheap lawn chair under Michael Moore's ass.

Oh, and he supported the RINO in NY-23 instead of the candidate who actually, you know, espoused all those limited-government principles that he constantly gives lip-service to.

So I'm throwing in with Team Palin. Mostly because any time she opens her pretty mouth, the left starts shitting on the floor and rolling around in it before throwing it in her direction in the form of sleazy, sexist, statements of ad hominem frothing.

Which is comedy gold, and gives me something fun to write about at IMAO.

IF FRANCIS DOLARHYDE HAD A SISTER

If you've seen Red Dragon, remember that quaint little scrapbook that psycho serial killer Francis Dolarhyde had?

The works of this artist remind me of that:

[via Regretsy]

DIDN'T EXPECT THAT

"I deeply regret using such a poor choice of words," said Reid in a statement. "I sincerely apologize for offending any and all Americans, especially African Americans for my improper comments."

Huh...

A Democrat apologized without using the word "if".

(see also)

POP QUIZ

Long Lost Blogson The Bartender (once of Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon), forwarded me a list of stupid children's answers to test questions.

Just for fun, I'm posting it Jeopardy style: answers first:

Q: What is a nitrate?
---
A: He is a noted figure in history because he invented cigarettes and started a craze for bicycles.

Q: What was Sir Walter Raleigh famous for?
---
A: Unusual names.

Q: What did Mahatma Gandhi and Genghis Khan have in common?
---
A: Learning to speak Latin.

Q: Name one of the early Romans' greatest achievements.
---
A: Flooding in areas such as the Mississippi may be avoided by placing a number of big dames into the river.

Q: Name one measure which can be put into place to avoid river flooding in times of extensive rainfall (e.g. in Mississippi).
---
A: Two polar bears, three four seals.

Q: Name six animals which live specifically in the Arctic.
---
A: It doesn't, it's just self, self, self, self all the way through.

Q: How does Romeo's character develop throughout the play?
---
A: Mrs. Orpheus

Q: Name the wife of Orpheus, whom he attempted to save from the underworld.
---
A: At the bottom.

Q: Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
---
A: He says goodbye to his childhood, enters adultery.

Q: What happens during puberty to a boy?
---
A: 1. All the cows will escape.
2. The cars drive into the fields.
3. There is nowhere to hide.

Q: State three drawbacks of hedgerow removal.
---
A: Close by

Q: What is the meaning of the word "varicose"?
---
A: Mariah Carey.

Q: What is the highest frequency noise that a human can register?
---
A: When your mum irons trousers for you.

Q: Explain the phrase "free press".
---
A: You might walk into it.

Q: Why would living close to a mobile phone mast cause ill health?
---
A: It doesn't have a chair.

Q: Joanna works in an office. Her computer is a stand-alone system. What is a stand-alone computer system?
---
A: He could find out by checking his speedometer.

Q: Steve is driving his car. He is travelling at 60 feet/second and the speed limit is 40 mph. Is Steve speeding?
---
A: You get your electricity faster.

Q: Give a reason why people would want to live near power lines.
---
A: There are good vibrations and bad vibrations. Good vibrations were discovered in the 1960's.

Q: What is a vibration?
---
A: Around Hadrian's garden.

Q: Where was Hadrian's Wall built?
---
A: 2(x+y)
2 ( x + y )
2  (  x  +  y  )
2   (   x   +   y   )

Q: Expand 2(x+y)
---
A: Malaria

Q: The race of people known as Malays come from which country?

RECENTLY LEARNED FACT OF LIFE

Misery is owning a 22 inch snowblower and having 48 inch wide sidewalks.

CHRISTMAS PUZZLEMENT

I question the wisdom of Santa Claus giving naughty children an object that's meant to be set on fire.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

SIGH...

Haloscan comments - long one of my favorite blogging features - has been bought out and discontinued. To retain any comments at all, I had to "upgrade" to the "new" Echo "service". Whatever the hell that is.

Anyway, if my comments all go *phoot!*, or this whole thing becomes an unwieldy mess, I'm probably going to jump ship to either Blogger or Wordpress.

We'll see how it goes over the next couple days as this thing takes hold.

APPARENTLY I HAVEN'T MOVED ON

Shamus of Twenty Sided posted this video called "Panic Attack!" to illustrate how far computerized special effects have come and how cheap the software has gotten:

And it's fairly impressive, technically speaking, since it was made for $500.

Artistically, however, it turns my stomach.

Sorry, I still remember watching real architecturally iconic buildings being blown up by real "panics" in 2001.

The creator of this thing can go artistically fuck himself.

[YouTube direct link]

STRAY THOUGHT

Just wanted to give a little shout out to Richard Nixon.

If it hadn't been for him, we wouldn't have the lexical shortcut of appending "gate" to scandalous events to indicate that they are... scandalous events.

For example, ClimateGate would have to be referred to with the annoyingly copious verbiage of "the Hadley Climate Research Unit Temperature UK Global Warming Email Scandal".

BLECH!

Imagine how much ink could've been saved in 1922 if the Harding administration wrestled with DomeGate.

Lexical economy, how I love thee.

MOTIVATIONAL!

This one's for Mr. T.

Not the black one with the mohawk, I mean the son of blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice, who beat two other kids in a soda drinking contest and made a statement that belongs on the cover of every coach's playbook regarding the importance of "leaving it all on the field":

This is how Superbowls are won, people.

[Hat tip: Despair.com DIY]