SCHADENFREUDE OF THE DAY

This video:

[USA Today direct link]

Because Shirley Sherrod spends the last minute of the interview whining about how perfectly awful it feels to be smeared as a racist. She does it with a straight face and absolutely no sense of irony.

Boo-hoo, honey bunch, welcome to the world of 21st century racial politics.

The world that you & the NAACP helped create.

Sucks, don't it?

Think Stephenopoulos would ever ask a Tea Partier this question? (starts at 2:34)

SUCK IT, YO-YO MA!

Full disclosure: I played cello for 4 years, and the way it was taught to me always made the cello seem like such a dull and limited instrument, so there may be some personal issues at play here. Also, I *really* like Joe Satriani.

I first came across Rebecca Roudman when she washed out during her America's Got Talent audition. Admittedly, the acoustics were bad, and she had the distortion set a bit high, so she didn't make a good first impression. But it didn't help that the plebes in the audience started hooting loudly for blood within seconds. Neither did it help that the judges were retarded philistines, including, surprisingly, Sharon Osbourne, whose husband made quite a living off of out-of-tune, badly-distorted vibrating strings.

Anyway, here's what she was trying to play, without the hooting & buzzing:

[YouTube direct link]

She's also got a rendition of Guns n' Roses' "Sweet Child o' Mine" that's quite delightful, assuming you like that song:

[YouTube direct link]

I SUSPECT IT'S A WASH

The Huffington Post makes this claim:

You age more slowly on the ground floor of a building than on the top floor

This is a consequence of Einstein’s theory of gravity, which tells us that time flows more slowly in strong gravity. On the ground floor of a building, you are closer to the center of the Earth than on the top floor, so you are in marginally stronger gravity. Consequently, you grow old more slowly. Of course, it’s a fantastically small effect. Not worth investing in a single-story house!

Well, I'm only passing-familiar with relativity, but I *do* know that time also slows down as you travel faster - which you do when you're FARTHER away from the axis of the earth as it rotates. To maximize this admittedly negligible effect, you should live in a penthouse near the equator.

Not sure which effect is stronger, speed or gravity.

BAD ANALOGY

So, this douche compares black Tea Party members to Jewish guards at a Nazi concentration camp.

Wouldn't a better comparison be to blacks who worked on the Underground Railroad?

NO SYMPATHY

...for this guy

One of the most outspoken gay critics of the military's "don't ask, don't tell" policy said Thursday that he has been discharged from the Army.

Lt. Dan Choi, who was arrested in March for handcuffing himself to a White House fence in protest of the policy, released a statement saying he had been honorably discharged.

Buddy, you came into the military knowing full well that one condition of your employment was not disclosing your homosexuality. What part of "don't tell" didn't you understand?

You can either be out of the closet, or you can shut up and serve. But don't sign up, breach your contract and then whine about being treated unfairly.

The only part I don't understand is why this clown got an HONORABLE discharge.

He has no honor.

MICHELLE OBAMA'S LATEST FASHION FAILURE

God, I wish I could stop talking about this, but she just won't let me.

Take this picture:

She's on a beach. In a dress that looks like oil stains on white sand.

That's just tacky & tasteless.

Partial credit for no boob-belt, but still, let's look at what else is wrong here:

Leave the winking to Sarah Palin. It's easier to get away with when you're easy on the eyes.

Try a smile instead of a mouth position that suggests you're screaming in anger at "KHAAAAAAAAN!"

And - seriously - how many fucking bracelets does a woman need to wear at once? Understatement is your fashion friend.

This woman is SUCH an embarrassment.

HOW TO KILL A SKUNK

Straight White Eric has a skunk problem, and I gave him some mis-remembered advice in the comments.

Fortunately, I had a chance to talk with my eldest brother about his skunk-killin' technique on Saturday, and I'd like to offer some REAL advice on ridding yourself of these white-striped interlopers.

The normal solution is to pop a cap in their skull, but the problem is that they may evacuate their scent glands in a death reflex. If you're a good enough shot to sever the spine, no problem. But here's an alternative that doesn't rely on marksmanship.

Items required:

* Skunk-sized live-trap
* Cat food
* Sheet you don't care about
* Metal garden rake

Directions:

Bait the live trap with cat food, since Warner Brothers was evidently right about skunks having identity issues.

When the skunk is trapped, walk up to it, holding the sheet up in front of you so he can't see you coming (skunks are rather dim this way).

Drop the sheet over the trap.

Using the rake, pick up the trap and carry it to an area where it will sit in direct sunlight all day.

Using the rake, remove the sheet.

After several hours in the sun, the skunk - being a predominantly black animal - will absorb the sun's rays and soon die of heat exhaustion.

Remove the dead skunk, put it on the trunk of your car.

Drive down a quiet country road until the skunk slides off your car onto the pavement.

It is now technically "roadkill", and the county (or scavenging birds) will take care of it.

Blogless Brother Dave reports great success with this technique, but offers no guarantees that it will work in any particular situation. Use at your own risk, and keep plenty of tomato juice handy in the event of errors during implementation of this plan.

WORLD WAR TWO: UNREALISTIC, BAD PLOT

As someone who, myself, often criticizes bad movie writing, I found this satirical review of the History Channel's World War II programming quite amusing.

A sample:

I wouldn't even mind the lack of originality if they weren't so heavy-handed about it. Apparently we're supposed to believe that in the middle of the war the Germans attacked their allies the Russians, starting an unwinnable conflict on two fronts, just to show how sneaky and untrustworthy they could be? And that they diverted all their resources to use in making ever bigger and scarier death camps, even in the middle of a huge war? Real people just aren't that evil. And that's not even counting the part where as soon as the plot requires it, they instantly forget about all the racism nonsense and become best buddies with the definitely non-Aryan Japanese.

Please do read it all.

IT'S ALL ABOUT CONTROL

When I first read the headline for this story about how cushy Gitmo has become, I was all ready to be upset.

Then I remembered "The Green Mile".

When you're in control of a prisoner, your job is to keep him calm and not inclined to make trouble. You do this with a combination of rewards & punishments.

I'm not in a position to armchair-quarterback what form those rewards take.

As long as those terrorist bastards are compliant, they can have steak & lobster for all I care. The point is, they're still locked up and not killing civilized human beings.

That's what's really important.

SURPRISING, YET SOMEHOW NOT

In America, our bums are more patriotic than our President. [hat tip: Uncle Jimbo of Blackfive]

[YouTube direct link]

7-7-05

Remember.

HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY

[YouTube direct link]

OBAMA VS MEDVEDEV

Let's see, Russia's First Lady has a simple, tasteful outfit with a quiet accessory to add a splash of color.

Our First Lady looks like a bad wedding cake.

Oh, and would somebody PLEASE buy Michelle a WonderBra? The girls are looking a little neglected in that top.

Although I suppose I should give her partial credit for not going with the boob belt this time.

NO, AL, YOU'RE JUST AN IDIOT

Al Gore:

These reports are deeply disturbing:

"When the operators of Southern Seaplane in Belle Chasse, La., called the local Coast Guard-Federal Aviation Administration command center for permission to fly over restricted airspace in Gulf of Mexico, they made what they thought was a simple and routine request."

"A pilot wanted to take a photographer from The Times-Picayune of New Orleans to snap photographs of the oil slicks blackening the water. The response from a BP contractor who answered the phone late last month at the command center was swift and absolute: Permission denied."

This behavior is completely unacceptable. Access by reporters should be as unfettered as possible. This de facto form of censorship needs to stop.

Here's the deal, Al. It's BP's mess and it's BP's responsibility to clean it up. If they don't want just any random yahoo to frolic around in it, I got no problem with that.

Also, if that plane crashes in the middle of the spill, someone would have to go into the middle of the spill to rescue his dumb ass. BP's got more important things to do than pull some moron out of the shit.

D-Day +66

[Originally posted 2004 as part of the MilBlogs And Friends Special Edition of the Sixtieth Anniversary of D-Day. Please click the link to see the excellent work done by the other participants]

(click to enlarge)

When over 100,000 men hit the beaches of France 65 years ago, they were well-prepared. They had training, they had practice, they had equipment, and they had their mission.

They also had the right attitude. They were landing on these beaches, not to catch a bare toe-hold in the sand, but to begin a push that wouldn't end until they marched down the streets of Berlin and looked Hitler right in the eye.

But if they saw him, they wouldn't see Hitler as we see him today - a legendary figure of personified evil and a demi-god of power and malice.

Not hardly.

To the troops coming off the boat, he was nothing but a spastic, greasy-haired, one-balled, lunatic Austrian paper-hanger with a bad moustache.

Because back during the early 40's, Americans didn't fear their enemies. They made fun of them.

Why?

Dictators HATE being made fun of. Hitler even made it a crime to tell anti-Nazi jokes. So if you were caught saying something like:

Hitler and his chauffeur are whizzing along a country road when a pig rushes out and is hit by their car. Spotting a nearby farm house, the chauffeur is sent up to inform the occupants of the demise of their animal. He returns with an armload of food and wine. Hitler is amazed.

"Why did they give you that?"

"I do not know. All I did was knock on the door and say I am Hitler's chauffeur and I killed the pig."

or

Hitler asked his astrologer on what day he would die.

"On a Jewish holiday," the astrologer replied.

"But which holiday?"

"Any day you die will be a Jewish holiday."

or

There are two kinds of Aryans: non-Aryans and barb-Aryans

or

A fatally wounded German soldier asked his chaplain to grant one final wish. "Place a picture of Hitler on one side of me, and a picture of Goering on the other side. That way I can die like Jesus, between two thieves."

or

Goebbels was touring German schools. At one, he asked the students to call out patriotic slogans.

"Heil Hitler," shouted one child.

"Very good," said Goebbels.

"Deutschland Uber alles," another called out.

"Excellent. How about a stronger slogan?"

A hand shot up, and Goebbels nodded.

"Our people shall live forever," the little boy said.

"Wonderful," exclaimed Goebbels. "What is your name, young man?"

"Israel Goldberg."

or

"What is the difference between an Nazi and a dog? A Nazi lifts his arm."

or

A German father instructing his son on how to say grace.

"From now on you must thank God and Hitler when you pray," says dad.

"But what happens if Hitler dies?" the boy asks.

"Then you just thank God."

The consequences would be dire.

But in America, it was an industry.

Warner Brothers studios put out several classics cartoons mocking this failed house-painter and part-time goose-stepper, including: Herr Meets Hare, The Ducktators, Daffy - The Commando, and Scrap Happy Daffy.

Disney got into the act with Der Fuehrer's Face and Education for Death.

Popeye took a whack with Seein' Red, White & Blue and Spinach Fer Britain.

And did you think that Dr. Seuss just wrote quaint little children's books? You might be surprised to learn that he did a large number of political cartoons during the war. Like the one at the top of this entry.

Here are some more of my favorites. I like them because they show Hitler as a weak, sweaty, nothing of a man.

And let's not forget about Jack Benny in "To Be Or Not To Be".

Or Charlie Chaplin in "The Great Dictator".

And if you're in a singin' mood, there's always Spike Jones' rendition of "Der Fuehrer's Face" (full mp3 available free here).

Now, I'm not saying that a few cartoons and a sprightly war ditty made all the difference on the beaches of Normandy, but I would feel safe in saying that when you've been mocking that "paper hanging son-of-a-bitch" instead of fearing him, it makes finally taking that piss in the Rhine river all the sweeter.

Of course, things are a little different today. The major Hollywood studios don't want to hurt anybody's feelings, so they're out of the precision guided humor business.

Fortunately for us, however, there are those who have not forgotten the lesson, and spare no effort in reminding the public that even though we may have to fight our enemies seriously, we don't have to waste time taking them seriously.