KERRY TWINS

In recent months, John Kerry's freakishly inhuman appearance has been compared to many people and/or monsters. Now, of course this does NOT mean that his personality in any way resembles these... things. It's purely physical coincidence.

On the other hand, it made me think: What if - purely for the sake of argument - we took George Bush out of the race, and had Kerry running against his look alikes. How would I vote?

Kerry vs. Lurch: I'm taking Lurch on this one. I think I'd prefer his friendly, helpful "You rang?" attitude to Kerry's pissy "That son of a bitch pushed me!"

Kerry vs. Herman Munster: Gotta be Herman. I mean, when choosing between two conglomerations of re-animated corpse-parts, size matters. Why settle for the Metro when you can have the Explorer?

Kerry vs. Droopy Dog: Droopy in a landslide. At least he's not afraid to point weapons at bad guys when required.

Kerry vs. Goofy: I'm going with Goofy. Being the inoffensive and highly agreeable sort, it'll be easy for the Republican-controlled House and Senate to pile his desk high with all kinds of tax breaks for the obscenely rich, which he'll sign with a cheerful "Gorsh!"

Kerry vs. Gomer Pyle: This one kinda depends. Gomer's a Marine, which makes me lean his way, but he's also a partially retarded inbred hillbilly from Mayberry, and I can just see him accidentally declaring martial law through misapplication of the line item veto - "Gawwwwww-leee! I think I done just suspended me the Bill of Rights! Sha-ZAM!". But I suppose if Sgt. Carter were his running mate, he could keep him in line with a judiciously bellowed "PY-uhl!".

Kerry vs. Treebeard: "Wood is good", I always say. And even though Treebeard was a namby-pamby dithering pacifist who dicked around with the foresty version of the UN until thousands had been slaughtered, at least he eventually opened up a can of woody whup-ass on the piece of shit that killed his friends. Something I wouldn't trust Kerry to do.

Kerry vs. Harry Bentley (from "The Jeffersons" - lower left of picture): Let's see, Bentley worked for the UN and begged people to walk all over him. Guess it doesn't matter much.

Kerry vs. Keith Richards: I'm going with Richards. First, he plays a mean guitar, and second - since he's British - pissing off the French comes naturally to him. When he's not too busy being drunk or strung out on heroin, that is.

Kerry vs. the severed head from "Re-Animator": I'm leaning toward the severed head on this one. Sure he's completely evil, but - being a severed head - he pretty much has to be evil in one spot. Kerry can jump on Air Force one and spread his flip-floppiness around the entire world like some wafflified version of SARS.

Kerry vs. Jane Fonda: [hums theme to M*A*S*H while hunting for cyanide tablets]

WHUF! That last one was a little rough. I'm going to my happy place for a while and have some happy thoughts... Hmmm... what if that Secret Service agent had pushed Kerry into a tree instead of a snowbank. Mheh.