TERRORIST OLYMPICS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Since terrorists aren't invited to the Olympics this year (apparently SOMEBODY forgot to send their bribe to the IOC in time), it looks like the splodeydopes will have to sit around in the sandbox playing their very own assortment of special games:

Beard Braiding - little colored plastic beads are woven into lovely, intricate patterns in the men's facial locks, and the prettiest one wins! It's queer eye for the bomber guy!

Falafel Fling - With their bony little girl-arms being too spindly to lift anything heavier than a camel's tail, the shotput is out of the question. Instead, they'll be throwing spicy wads of deep-fried ground chick-peas as far away from themselves as possible. If you've ever had falafel, you'll agree that it's the only sensible thing to do.

Euphrates Swim - A simple contest. The goal is to make it all the way across the river as quickly as possible. Sounds easy, right? Of course, what they don't know is that Coalition forces will be dumping thousands of piranha into the river just upstream of the event. Hilarity will ensue!

Turban Toss - The winner of this event is the one who can most closely approximate the famous Mary Tyler Moore Show hat-toss freeze-frame pose.

Mecca Compass - Blindfold the jihadi, spin him around three times, and see if he can point to Mecca. Closest to the true direction wins. The rest are stoned as blasphemers.

Prayer Prattling - How many times can you say "Allah Akbar" in one minute? The current record is 117. Anyone who fails to beat it will be stoned as a blasphemer.

Burka Battle - 30 men dressed in burkas enter the ring and start hacking each other with scimitars. Last man standing is stoned as a blasphemer for wearing women's clothing.

Wheelbarrow Race - It's done with goats, and it's "pants-optional". You may not want to watch this one.

Koran Quoting - Contestants line up and are asked to recite verbatim from the Koran when given a chapter and verse number. One finger will be cut off for every error. And remember, "AIEEEE!" is NOT in the Koran. Last person still able to twiddle his thumbs is the winner.

Osama Hunt - Contestants hunt through Tora Bora to find their beloved leader. The person who finds any part of him big enough to take a DNA sample from, wins. In the event of a tie, the winner will be selected by the sample's weight, not volume. Although genetically indistinguishable, turning in goat parts will be grounds for stoning as a blasphemer.

Saddam Search - Scour every septic tank, and be the first to find the fearless leader of Iraq who vowed to fight to the death. (Note: the part of Saddam in this event will be played by a lame, one-eyed, castrated, impotent pig).

Checkpoint Charging - Contestants vie to get as close to a Coalition checkpoint as possible without getting killed. Remember, you can't get the gold if they give you the lead.

Closing Ceremonies - Survivors gather together in a circle to stone blasphemers

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!