REAGAN'S WAR ON TERROR

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

I didn't vote for W., but after 9/11, I'm glad he won. I tremble in horror to consider the alternative. But while I'm thinking of things that didn't happen, how about how the War on Terror would go down if the 1980 version of Ronald Reagan would've been elected in 2000? We might have seen things like:

No Abu Ghraib scandal - you can't humiliate a dead terrorist

But if some of them actually lived, they would be humiliated by being dressed in harem-girl costumes and forced to do the "dance of 1000 jelly beans"

When asked to apologize, Reagan would say, "Ok, I'm sorry we let them live long enough to capture them alive. It'll never happen again."

However, being a sensitive kind of guy, Reagan would issue orders that terrorists are only to be killed with "very understanding hails of bullets"

Or "missiles of caring"

Or "napalm of love"

Upon receipt of terrorist threats, Reagan would just chuckle, order an airstrike, and quip, "Well, there you blow up again."

Some notable quotes:

"I've always thought of America as "a shining city on a hill". Now I think of it as "a shining city on a hill that rains well-deserved death down upon murdering terrorist camel-humpers."

"Mr. Chirac - go find your balls!"

"Terrorism isn't the solution to the problem. Terrorism IS the problem. The solution is more dead terrorists."

"[N]o arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. Of course the arsenals of the US Armed Forces run a close second, and unless you terrorists lay down your arms and take up knitting, you're gonna get a whole LOT of formidable right up your ass!"

"It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of history.... [It is] the march of freedom and democracy which will leave Marxism- Leninism on the ash heap of history as it has left other tyrannies which stifle the freedom and muzzle the self-expression of the people. And speaking of ash heaps, that's about all that's gonna be left of you terrorist bastards!"

"History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. History also teaches that wars end when all the goat-molesting piece-of-shit terrorists are dead. Stand by for a pop quiz, you Islamist assgremlins!"

"[G]overnment's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. My view of terrorists is equally brief: If it moves, bomb it. If it keeps moving, shoot it. And if it stops moving, empty the clip into it, just to be sure".

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'". The eight most terrifying are "I'm a Marine, and you're a dead terrorist."

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. And victory is when the rivers of Iraq run red with the blood of terrorists."

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!