KERRY'S POST-WAR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

No matter what question you ask John Kerry, he'll somehow manage to mention his Viet Nam service in the answer.

"Where will you be campaigning this week Senator Kerry?"

"I'll be in Florida where President Bush has just finished misleading a hurricane into devastating the countryside, much like I devastated villages with my Zippo when I served in Viet Nam."

Personally, I don't understand that. I served in the Navy for 6 years. You don't hear ME referring to THAT every time I open my mouth:

"Don't you think the sky is a lovely shade of blue today, Harvey?"

"Yes, but not as blue as the shirt I wore during my 6 years in the Navy."

Just let it go, man.

Besides, it's not like Kerry doesn't have lots of post-war accomplishments to brag about, like... um... er... well...

Screw it. I'll just make stuff up:

When the Krypton Criminals invaded Earth and Superman had given up all his powers, John Kerry personally stopped General Zod by using his laser vision.

My cat was stuck in a tree last week. John Kerry stood under it and told war stories until Fluffy passed out from boredom and tumbled to the ground.

When terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001, Kerry said that people shouldn't do that. You'll notice that no one has attacked the WTC since then.

Kerry finally got that THING removed from his face, so he doesn't have to keep picking at it like he did during the Winter Soldier hearings.

He bravely married Teresa Heinz so that no one else had to get stuck with her billions.

He lets Secret Service Agents relieve pent up frustrations by pushing him down. Which is why the phrase is "going Postal" and not "going Secret Service".

Defying the predictions of all the political experts, Kerry found a way to out-dork Michael Dukakis's tank picture.

He stopped the Borg from assimilating Earth by inventing the warp drive.

He ended the argument over whether it's possible for a 60 year old man to look sexy in spandex by proving it's not.

He made Michael Moore stop peeing on the rug by whacking him with a rolled up newspaper.

He rescued important-looking hair from the fashion taboo list.

He made man-on-man public displays of affection socially acceptable outside of San Francisco.

He found Jimmy Buffet's lost shaker of salt.

He gave Bluto the ass-whuppin' he so richly deserved. Yay spinach!

He turned down that job as Viagra spokesman, thus saving the nation from the incaluculable psychic anguish that the mental picture would've caused.

My apologies for the psychic anguish caused by that last mental picture.

He restored America's pride by winning the "Waffle King" title back from the hated Belgians.

He walked across America barefoot with a metal pot on his head, planting apple seeds wherever he went.

He was brilliant as Captain Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Hmmm... I might have to re-Google those last two.

In the last three years, he once went a whole day without saying the words "Viet Nam". Which is more than you can say for the major media outlets.

And most important of all, he's accepted the Democratic party's nomination as "loser of the 2004 election" so that Hillary is free to get her ass kicked in 2008.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!