September 22, 2004
NEW MEMOS
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
At great risk to life and limb, I wiretapped a certain Kinko's fax machine in Abilene, so I know all about the new memos that CBS has gotten in. Over the next week or so, you can probably expect to hear the following unquestionable truths about George W. Bush, since the new memos will clearly show that:
Bush once received preferential treatment after giving an apple to his third grade teacher.
Which also raises questions about whether W. is secretly in the pocket of Big Fruit.
Bob Dole was obviously in league with Big Pineapple, and he was ALSO a Republican, which raises questions about whether America is actually controlled by a three-pronged Fruit-Pepsi-Viagra cabal.
George W Bush used to be an oil-man. Vaseline is a petroleum-baseed product. This implies yet another possible Viagra connection.
For national security reasons, immediately after 9/11, Bush was replaced for all public appearances with a particularly bright, mostly housebroken, shaved chimp named Bobo.
The OLD memos were written by W. himself, as proven by the fact that they included the words "nucular" and "misunderestimated".
Bush once rampaged through a synagogue, flogging moneychangers.
In college, Bush once neglected to tip a pizza delivery guy, thus causing him to miss a mortgage payment and become homeless.
The homeless pizza guy was later murdered by Glenn Reynolds.
Bush receives twice-monthly Botox injections to keep his ears sticking out so far.
The real reason we invaded Iraq is that Bush beat Rumsfeld at a game of rock-paper-scissors.
If Rumsfeld had chosen scissors, we would've just nuked Baghdad.
I wish Rumsfeld would've chosen scissors.
ยป The Alliance links with: Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Secrets of the New Memos
Excerpt: Piles and reams and sheafs and stacks Of memos typed by pajama'd hacks Grace the Alliance page today Unimpeachable sources - take it away: Innocent Civilian Greyhawk of the Mudville Gazette has a stunner. I had no idea you could
Weblog: The Alliance
Tracked: September 22, 2004 08:42 PM
Aye, but then we'd only have 10,665 nukes and that is not NEARLY as cool as 10,666. I mean, come on, it has 666 in the number. I'm just sayin'.
LOL :-D
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