October 06, 2004
AL SADR'S ADVICE TO KERRY
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
The following is from a secret memo that Muqtada al-Sadr faxed to the Kerry campaign from Abilene Baghdad:
My Dearest Sahib John F'n Kerry,
It has come to my attention that you are doing poorly in the polls. This disappoints me greatly. I need you to get elected if I want to live to see the end of Ramadan this year.
For both our sakes, please implement the following suggestions:
You did well to sneak your secret pen-gun into the debates last time. Next time, remember to take the bullet out of your shirt pocket before trying to shoot Bush, OK there, Deputy Fife?
Try rigging an improvised explosive device in Bush's podium. These are very simple to construct, and I know you have a can of Clairol Ultra-Important Hair Spray somewhere that you can attach a fuse to.
Set it to go off when he says "nu-cu-lar".
If you can't eliminate Bush during the debates, you'll have to out-campaign him. Have your people offer a "negative campaign ad cease fire". After he accepts, saturate the airwaves with claims that he's a drunken, AWOL coke-head.
Be sure to mention that he also looks like a chimp.
If Bush accuses you of flip-flopping, fire a gun into the air and scream "ULULULULULULU!"
When the campaign donation from Yassir Arafat arrives, don't spend it. His checks have been bouncing lately.
If you get more than 5% behind in the polls, try blowing up a police station.
Finally please make that girly-man Edwards wear a burkha so that the faithful aren't tempted by his soft, pouty lips.
Your Avid Fan,
Muqtada
P.S. Don't let the pajamhadeen get ahold of this memo, or it'll be SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! for both of us.
ยป The Alliance links with: Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Terrorist Campaign Advice
Excerpt: John Kerry is still struggling in the polls, and he's in desperate need of advice. According to unimpeachable sources, he's been getting plenty of it from the people who want him to win the most - filthy Islamic terrorist bastard
Weblog: The Alliance
Tracked: October 6, 2004 08:27 PM
The Edwards thing made me scare the kitty! ;)
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