October 13, 2004
JOHN KERRY'S SENSITIVE WAR ON TERROR
JOHN KERRY'S SENSITIVE WAR ON TERROR
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
If John Kerry is elected president, I expect him to issue the following order to the Department of Defense:
To keep my campaign promise of fighting a more sensitive war on terror, please make the following nomenclature adjustments to all orders, directives, memos, and press releases by your department. On the left are the old, insensitive terms you are no longer to use, followed by their approved substitutes:
Terrorists - Fuzzy Bunnies
US Army - Happy Campers
US Marines - Power Puff Girls
US Navy - Free Willies
US Air Force - Butterflies
Killed - Went to Disneyland
Wounded - Kissed on the forehead
Attacked - Hugged
War - Summit meeting
A sample press release might read: "The summit meeting in Iraq was quite eventful today. In a joint operation between the Happy Campers, Power Puff Girls, Free Willies, and Butterflies, a group of fuzzy bunnies were hugged. Dozens went to Disneyland, while hundreds more were kissed on the forehead."
Thank you for your cooperation, and have a pleasant day.
Personally, I say send 'em all to Disneyland.
Dead terrorists don't have feelings to hurt, which is plenty sensitive enough for me.
ยป The Alliance links with: Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Kerry's Sensitive War
Excerpt: Thank goodness for John Kerry. I really hope he gets elected, because I find it simply abhorrent that terrorist are getting their feelings hurt in Iraq. Fortunately, John Kerry HAS A PLAN for fighting a more sensitive war on terror.
Weblog: The Alliance
Tracked: October 13, 2004 09:59 PM
POWER PUFF GIRLS?!?!?! Harvey, do you have a death wish? I mean i can see the free willies (... ... there's no jokes here, keep moving) but caling Marines PowerPuff Girls is bad for your health.
You got Balls, man, Way to go.
tj
I'm ex-Navy. I'm entitled :-)
Fair enough. Forgot there for a minute.
:-D
When those thirteen buttons on the dress blue trousers are unbuttoned a sailor certainly does have a free willy.
As for that name for Marines, I remember the first time I got into some minor trouble, my Gunnery Sergeant (a veteran of the walk back from the Chosin Reservoir) and my First Sergeant (a veteran of Iwo Jima) when deciding to not send me to the Company Commander for an Article 15 decided to, as the Gunny put it, keep it just between us girls. I scrubbed every deck in the Company after normal work hours for a month but kept my record clean. I might have only had to scrub decks for two weeks except I couldn't help but laugh at these two fearsome Gods of War talking about 'us girls'. I eventually discovered that this was common.
I'd probably STILL be scrubbing decks if they'd said 'us power puff girls'.
I'm a HUGE Power Puff Girls fan, so now I know why!
I can see Buttercup as a Sergeant, Blossom as a Officer and Bubbles as a medic.
Damn Harvey that was good. And I do mean really good.
My first thought was the same as Tommy's, but then I remembered the ex-Navy thing and had to LOL.
Damn. That was funny.
Peter - don't remind me about those 13 buttons... the worst part is that you had to undo all 13 of 'em to piss. Cripes, John Holmes himself couldn't have weaseled his crank out the side :-)
Tammi - if it makes you feel any better, MY first thought was the same as Tommy's. But then I realized that Jarheads don't mind getting a ration of shit from one of their former cab drivers :-)
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