KERRY'S CABINET

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

God forbid Kerry ever gets elected, but if he does, who might he appoint to his Cabinet? I shall speculate thusly:

Agriculture - Kevin Kostner who, in Field of Dreams, plowed under his cash crop in the middle of the growing season to build a baseball diamond in the middle of nowhere, because he heard voices in his head. Since this makes about as much sense as the average Federal farm program, he'd be a good fit.

Commerce - Hillary Clinton. Anyone who can make $100,000 off cattle futures in 6 months must be pretty smart when it comes to buying and selling.

Defense - Ellie Mae Clampett. With that slingshot of hers, she could easily kill terrorists with spitballs.

Education - Mrs. Krabappel. She'll fix America's schools if she has to sleep with every single principal to do it.

Energy - Richard Simmons. He always seems perky.

Healthy & Human Services - Heidi Fleiss. She knows ALL about servicing.

Homeland Security - Barney Fife. With our French allies keeping us safe from terrorists, surely we need no more to protect this country than one man carrying a bullet in his shirt pocket.

Housing and Urban Development - Jimmy Carter. When he's not busy chumming it up with commies, he swings a mean hammer and could get a lot of houses built.

Interior - Monica Lewinsky. The experiences of her interior are well documented.

Labor - Bobbi McCaughey.

State - Michael Moore. Based on Matty O'Blackfive's recommendation (see Hollywood Hijinks section, second to last paragraph).

Transportation - That guy who invented the stretch Hummer.

Treasury - Me. I think I could bring honor to his administration.

Veterans Affairs - Lyndie England. She has experience with both.

Attorney General - Johnny Cochran. For his unparalleled ability to bust a rhyme.

Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency - Ralph Nader. Mostly just to shut him up for '08.

Director, Office of Management and Budget - Arthur Andersen. Say good-bye to embarrassing budget deficits with the world's most creative accountant.

Director, National Drug Control Policy - Ricky Williams. Now THERE'S a man who could single-handedly eliminate the nation's illegal drug supply.

U.S. Trade Representative - George W. Bush. He knows how to trade blood for oil.

And if Kerry ever elevates the Surgeon General to Cabinet status, he can always appoint his wife, Scary Terry Kerry, for her ability to cure arthritis with fruit & booze.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!