PAINLESS SELF-PROMOTION

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."

(click to enlarge)

The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.

Well, I was there and I know what happened.

It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...

SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.

ALL: YAY! FINALLY!

FRANK: Now before we go...

[assorted grumbling]

FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.

KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...

FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.

sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!

SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.

FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.

HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.

KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.

LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?

FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.

HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...

FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.

sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.

FRANK: DAMNATION!

sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!

FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.

sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!

SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?

FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?

[general murmurs of assent]

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]

LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]

KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?

HARV: What's in this for me again?

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?

HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.

SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...

HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.

SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!

HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.

SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.

HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"

SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!

HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!

SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!

HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".

SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.

HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]

[...next morning...]

[ring...ring]

HARV: KBBL's gonna give me something stupid!

SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.

HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?

SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...

HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...

HARV: YARRRRR!

SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.

HARV: I thought they used horses?

SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?

HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.

SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?

HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.

SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.

HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]

HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...

Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.

YARRRRR!