April 28, 2006
Wrong Tony
(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)
I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:
Tony Hawk - Need to dodge a tough question? Just jump the skateboard onto the podium and do a Figure 4 Calf Wrap Flamingo Pretzel Plant Brain Surgeon with a Mute Grab 900 into the press pit. Reporters will be too dazzled, distracted, and/or wounded to ask a follow-up.
Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"
Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".
Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!
Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.
Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."
Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.
Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.
Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"
Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"
It'd also be cool to have Anthony Hopkins eat the reporters' livers, but he's not technically a "Tony".
Any Tonys I missed?
Tony Curtis.
And since you included Tony The Tiger, I would have to nominate Tony Bologna, one of Pee Wee Herman's (Pee Wee's Playhouse), ventriloquism dolls.
And yes, Harvey, beyond having a vast knowledge of stuff that earns me no income whatsoever, I have no life.
Now that was a damn funny post Harv.
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