TOTALLY TRUE TIDBITS ABOUT THE AMERICAN FLAG

(semi-cross-posted from IMAO from 2005)

Since today is Flag Day, I thought it would be appropriate to take the time to educate the blog-reading public on some important facts about our nation's banner...

* Methods of provocation include poking it with a stick or being a filthy hippy.

* Each star on the American flag represents one of the 50 states, although McDonald's is eyeballing the naming rights to the one in the upper left corner

* When a patriotic American dies, the flag is lowered to half-staff. When Jane Fonda dies, expect to see a week of nationwide double-staffing.

* Monkeys have no flag, and must therefore be exterminated.

* Ditto terrorists.

* And the French.

* Yes, I know, TECHNICALLY they have a flag, but they only every really use the white part.

* Some people think it's unpatriotic to buy an American flag unless it's actually made in America. However it really doesn't matter where the flag is originally made, as long as it eventually flies over bullet-ridden terrorist corpses.

* Or live Frenchmen.

* Trust me, they're on the list.

* If an American Flag becomes worn or damaged, it must be disposed of respectfully by burning it in a solemn ceremony. The flag should be neatly folded, set on top of a commie, and set ablaze.

* If you don't have a commie handy, you can use a Kennedy, although these tend to be soggy and not burn well.

* It is disrespectful to wear the American flag as an article of clothing such as a shirt or a pair of pants. Thongs are ok, though.

* In a fight between an American flag and Aquaman, Aquaman would trip over his own damn feet, fall down, and smash his head open on a rock.

* Some people REALLY shouldn't try to fight on land.

* The best way to illuminate your American flag is to place a halogen light no more than 10 feet from the base of the flagpole and aim it toward the lower right corner of the blue field, although purists insist that you should use rockets' red glare.

* The original design for the American flag featured a coiled snake on a white background and the words "Don't F*ck With Me!", which was later modified due to pressure from the FCC.

* The best American Flags are made from the bark of the Tree of Liberty, the roots of which must be refreshed from time to time with the blood of patriots & tyrants.

* If Michael Moore were touched by an American flag, he would immediately burst into unholy flame.