NEW YEAR'S EVE PARTY!

Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious is throwing a New Year's Eve Party at the Marie Antoinette Suite of the London Ritz Carlton (aka her comments).

Come on down & celebrate!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

...How did I ever end up with you? I think fate must have gambled with destiny and I won. I didn't have to question my love when we first met, my heart already knew. I think that I must have lived an entire lifetime in the moments that I was waiting for you. I do not know what the future holds for us, but I trust you to take me where you want it to go. Wherever you lead, I'll follow. I don't regret one thing that has happened in my past. Every road I went down was one I had to take to get me to you...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

EVIL GLENN'S NEW YEAR

(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2005... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about Wednesday night's post?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! It was only ONE little blog entry... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2005.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to guest post at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go...

[click]

Well, I don't know what was so important that Glenn couldn't hang around...

But I have noticed a lot of hits for "penguin latex furry handcuffs" in my referer logs lately...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

HEADS UP! - UPDATED

For the sake of my beloved readers who would like to be "First!", I'm going to mention that I plan to have another guest post up at IMAO tomorrow morning.

Target time: 7:30am Central Standard Time

Synchronize your watches.

UPDATE: Fun Facts About Hospitals is now up.

I DON'T CARE ABOUT BASEBALL, BUT THIS VIDEO MADE ME LAUGH

Red Sox - Priceless.

(via Matty O'Blackfive)

(I don't know where Matty works, but I'd hesitate to clear this one as completely work safe. Definitely a Drink Alert, though)

HMMM... THAT'S A TOUGHY

Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious is having a Google failure:

I read an article about a year ago, describing a small town in the U.S, which I think may be called "Paradise". I'm not sure, but I believe it to be in the North-East. Anyway, the citizens of this town have to comply with hundreds of regulations in order to keep it perfect. Right down to the length of their lawn. I'm pretty sure that cars are banned also. For some strange reason, I want to read more about it, but I don't remember enough to search for it!

Can anyone out there please enlighten me?

Not ringing any bells for me.

Anyone? Anyone?

Bueller?

UPDATE: Try Googling "homeowners association" without quotes for a start.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe I've told you lately about the thrill I feel when our lips meet. Chills run down my spine, electricity fills the air, and I am paralyzed, for just an instant, while my heart catches up to the emotional overload my brain feels. Then comes the warmth, and the rush of passion fills the air while I see clouds explode into broadening, deafening sunlight. I then melt, deep into the arms of my love, my friend, my companion, my everything. You are my perfect angel. I love you so deeply...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Booker T., Big Show, Gold Dust, Big Pappa Pump, Ric Flair]

As a follow up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury recently released the first in its new series of "Washed Up Talentless Hack Wrestler Dollars". Coming soon: "Hulk Hogan", and "Jesse The Body/Mind/Spleen Ventura"

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: How will Evil Glenn ring in the New Year?

Is due by 8pm CST Friday, December 31st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Al Franken In Iraq

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What can Osama Bin Laden do to make his next video tape more entertaining?

NOT A SMOOTH TALKER, BUT YOU SHOULD'VE SEEN HIM TOSS ASIDE OFFENSIVE LINEMEN (UPDATED 11PM 12-29-04)

Kevin of Wizbang is taking the New York Times to task for dredging up some of the late Reggie White's less-than-shining moments, and he makes some good points.

Me, I just want to say that I never understood the outrage over some of Reggie's comments.

Regarding homosexuality, he said:

"We've allowed this sin [homosexuality] to run rampant in our nation, and because it has run rampant in our nation, our nation is in the condition it's in today."

The Bible DOES condemn homosexuality as a sin, so I'd EXPECT a Bible-believer to condemn it. Give him credit for not being a hypocrite.

In regards to race, he said:

Why did God create us differently? Why did God make me black and you white? Why did God make the next guy Korean and the next guy Asian and the other guy Hispanic? Why did God create the Indians?

Well, it's interesting to me to know why now. When you look at the black race, black people are very gifted in what we call worship and celebration. A lot of us like to dance, and if you go to black churches, you see people jumping up and down, because they really get into it.

White people were blessed with the gift of structure and organization. You guys do a good job of building businesses and things of that nature and you know how to tap into money pretty much better than a lot of people do around the world.

Hispanics are gifted in family structure. You can see a Hispanic person and they can put 20 or 30 people in one home. They were gifted in the family structure.

When you look at the Asians, the Asian is very gifted in creation, creativity and inventions. If you go to Japan or any Asian country, they can turn a television into a watch. They're very creative. And you look at the Indians, they have been very gifted in the spirituality.

When you put all of that together, guess what it makes. It forms a complete image of God.

His metaphors for the different races had at least SOME truth to them, and were at least marginally complimentary, even if they were incomplete, and I thought it was a nice (if somewhat clumsy) way to say that all races are the children of God.

As for defending Jimmy the Greek...

Retiring Green Bay Packer Reggie White in 1998 declared that Jimmy "The Greek" was correct, that "bigger slaves were pretty much used as studs,"

well... I admit to not knowing my pre-Civil-War history very well. Did slave owners NOT breed slaves for strength? Jimmy & Reggie say they did. The opposition doesn't deny it, they merely say that it's not polite to voice such opinions aloud.

Personally, I'm just going to remember Reggie for being one of the biggest reasons the Packers won Super Bowl 31 and brought glory back to Titletown.

And I'll continue to miss him as I have since the day he retired from the Packers.

Oh, and if you're bias-checking, I'm a white, atheist, Packers fan. Which facts may or may not influence my point of view. I'll let you decide that for yourself.

UPDATE 11PM 12-29-04: The full text of Reggie White's speech to the Wisconsin Legislature, link courtesy of Chris Lynch, sports guy of American Digest.

AL FRANKEN IN IRAQ

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Al Franken - annoying, unfunny leftist and cornerstone of the surprisingly undead Air America network - is in Iraq with the USO, ostensibly to entertain the troops. Personally, I suspect he's there for other reasons, which I speculate about thusly:

Looking for Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows.

Searching out John Kerry's missing Ohio votes.

House hunting for Alec Baldwin.

Expanding his horizons by being unfunny in Farsi

Negotiating with Aljazeera to get them to carry Air America's programming.

Which would bring their total number of affilliates up to... what? Five?

Needed to go to the Arabian desert because there isn't enough sand in America to make those impossibly thick eyeglass lenses of his.

Crappy American comedians simply do better overseas. See also: Jerry Lewis - France.

Because there's no Farsi word for "sucky".

However, there IS one for "Rat bastard giving aid and comfort to the enemies of Iraqi freedom! You die now!", which he will no doubt discover in due course.

Well, whatever he's doing over there, let's just hope he takes his sweet time coming back.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

VARIATION ON A THEME

But I'm running with it over at IMAO.

Figure it's about time Susie got a link from there, anyway.

Go. Be First.

RACISM, SLAVERY, CONFEDERACY

Owen of Boots & Sabers has an intriguing post on what the Confederate flag actually means, and he brings up some good points. However, I'm going to go off on a couple tangents.

First, to take light exception to this statement:

1. Slavery was an abomination of humanity and the South was wrong to fight to defend the practice.

Actually, slavery was a tradition passed down from the dawn of civilization, and was spoken of approvingly in the Bible. Back in the day, you had to be a real extremist wacko to be an abolitionist.

Other than that, I agree with the statement.

Now, in the comments to the post, Jib of Jiblog says this:

Southern racism is the way it is because Southern bigoted whites interact with minorities everyday. Wisconsin racism is the way it is because white bigots do not interact with minorities.

Mostly true. I grew up in an all white town, and spoke to exactly one black man before I joined the Navy. My feelings towards blacks were entirely shaped by what I saw on television: Gordon & Susan from Sesame Street; Sanford & Son; Flip Wilson; The Jeffersons; Good Times; Bill Cosby (the Saturday morning cartoon, not the sitcom); Sammy Davis, Jr.; Kareem Abdul-Jabbar, etc.

Notice that these folks were generally either well-mannered or at least funny/curmudgeonly. Nobody was bitter, or hateful, or cursing, or even irresponsible.

Good thing I stopped watching television in the early 80's.

Given the stereotypes Wisconsin's pasty white small-town Scandahoovians are picking up from cable these days (not that network is any better at providing role models of color), it's a wonder all the little snow-honkys don't run away screaming every time they see a real live black man.

Pure ignorance plus bad stereotypes about gansta rappers equals Wisconsin Brand Racism.

All true.

And I don't have any solutions to offer.

Except maybe don't let you kids watch anything but Nick at Nite until they join the Navy.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Lost
In the depths of her eyes
The soft curve of her lips
Reflecting an inner beauty
Blindingly bright

Walking a tightrope
Of words
A web
Of possibilities
Exhilarated by the height
Yet
There is no fear
Of falling

A delicate dance
On the slickest ice
As easy
And natural
As breathing
As though practiced
To perfection

There is no fear
Daring me
To walk with her
So high
Over the abyss
I return the challenge
As worlds collide
And are lost
In the depths of her eyes

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

FOURTH OCCASIONAL JERKY AWARDS

A while back I started the Little Right Wing Circle Jerk, which is founded on two principles:

1) Information found on blogs is at least as accurate as information found in the mainstream media

2) It's morally wrong to hijack someone else's blog.

The second one is fairly easy to agree with, but the first one requires a little nerve to assert.

In my recent surfing, however, I've come across a post in praise of the excellent job the blogosphere does of getting its facts straight. In honor of which, I present:

THE FOURTH OCCASIONAL JERKY AWARDS

The Little Right Wing Circle Jerk Award of Merit (or "Jerky") is given to those who defend the honor of blogger credibility vs. the so-called "journalistic integrity" of the mainstream media. I hereby award Jerkies to the following fine folks:

Greyhawk of The Mudville Gazette (post found via blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival). Here's a sample quote:

But those in the media, previously the sole source for reporting on events and their impacts on the troops in a combat zone, should take note: there are other voices everywhere now. Your ignoring (or worse, twisting) of the scenes like this one will not make them vanish down the "memory hole".

In the same post, Greyhawk points out a man who, while deserving of a Jerky, does not yet have a blog, much to the sadness of people everywhere:

Donald Rumsfeld:

And the Internet is helping. More and more people are seeing things that are taking the conventional wisdom and critiquing it and arguing it and debating it. And that's a good thing.

As long as they promise not to hijack any blogs, the above-linked people are cordially invited to display either the Jerky Award image or the Little Right Wing Circle Jerk logo, or both.

Get a blog, Rummy!

[Credit: Jerky Award and LRWCJ logos created by Pam of Pamibe, the queen of graphic design - she's the one to see for all your blog-related image needs]

I HAVE A SUGGESTION

Matty O'Blackfive is a little pissed.

By which I don't mean he's drunk (although...)

No, it's about the Legacy Media's lack of balance:

The one thing that came up time and again in our discussions was about how the media (or "damn" media) doesn't cover all any of the good things that occur in Iraq. Steve's been there for over three months and he's on fire about the lack of fair media coverage.

Which leads to a question:

So what would it take to get the Main Stream Media to change it's spots?

There are some good suggestions in his comments, but this one by (currently blogless) Cheryl caught my eye:

What's the answer to MSM? You and all of the other blogs that are getting out the truth. They are being pressured -- Dan Rather was just the beginning, but look at what happened? A "well-respected anchor" was forced to retire -- regardless of how it's spun. It will take a bit more time, but it's happening.

You just keep on keepin on -- as we use to say in the 70's -- it will happen or they won't have any advertising revenue....., it's eye-balls, as they say - and if the eye-balls aren't watching MSM news, but reading it, well many blogs have already been approached for advertising space.....

That's right, Matty... YOU are the answer. You, your MilBlog friends, your sources in the military and the media... YOU are the best damn thing to happen since FOX news.

But you piss me off.

Because you won't let anybody support you except through advertising. And I hate your ads. I don't want to play Texas f***ing Hold'em. I don't want to buy any crap from Amazon.

I want to buy you a f***ing beer.

Matty, get a f***ing tipjar.

Amazon, PayPal, I don't care which.

I also don't care whether you actually spend the money on beer or give it to one of the dozens of worthy Military charities you support & talk about. Money's fungible, so it can come in as beer money and go out as money for body armor.

It's time you faced the facts, Matty... YOU are the New Media. YOU are the Chosen One. Deal with it.

Now will you PLEASE let me (and the rest of the world) buy you a f***ing beer to say thanks?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

A SIGN FOR SUSIE

Susie of Practical Penumbra is having problems (again) with parents leaving their children in the lobby of her theater - unsupervised - for hours at a time.

I suggested the following sign:

"Any children not picked up within 30 minutes of the end of their movie will be arrested for vagrancy."

Tuning Spork of Blather Review suggests:

"Any Children not picked up within 30 minutes of the end of the picture will become the property of this theater and will be sold to the major Studio of our choice."

Prompting Susie to suggest:

Unclaimed children will be sold to gypsies...
Unclaimed children will be served as chili...

Your turn.

ABOUT THAT TIDAL WAVE

A dark, cynical part of me wonders how long it will be before someone blames this on either George W. Bush or global warming.

Meanwhile, Michele A Small Victory lists ways to help.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

After much soul-sucking drudgery on my part, the Glenn Reynolds Fake Quote Round-up is available for viewing. Make sure I included yours.

Precision Guided Humor Reminder: Why is Al Franken in Iraq?
Is due by 8pm Wednesday, December 29th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Two Filthy Lies. Be sure to check out Abinadi of Rant Fever's version of "A Visit From St. Nicholas". It's a hoot!

KING... UM... *QUEEN* OF THE BLOGS RESULTS POSTED

King of the Blogs results are in, and it looks like Cyn's Sim is now the Queen of the Blogs.

Which means the blogosphere will soon be infested with girl-cooties.

The reviews are here, and, in addition to the fact that this week's contest was actually determined by the reader-poll results, you can also discover such things as:

Songstress7's cowbell fetish rudely breaking through the placid surface of her psyche.

Pietro committing hate speech against Blogger.

Psssst! Pietro! All Blogspot blogs now come with a Google search feature at the very top of the page.

Although AggPro's "black text on dark blue background" makes it easy to miss.

Oh, and the answer to your curiosity is "10".

GO! QUICKLY!

New guest post at IMAO:

Fun Facts About Flying.

Be first.

IT DOESN'T HAVE TO BE BORING

Blogson Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist has a couple holiday laments, both of which I can fix.

First the lack of a secular winter holiday:

The main thing that I wanna say is (of course) Merry Christmas! (Sure I'm an athiest, but that doesn't mean that I can't use the ages-old expression of well wishes during the Holiday Season. Get off my back already!)

Well, Happy Agnostica:

"An agnostic?" I asked him, "So what's up with that?"
"Belief in ourselves!" he said, "Pure logic and fact!
"But what about us who have no religion?
"Who celebrate science? Don't we get a smidgen?"
"Yes! We'll celebrate science, not some `god' in the sky!
"And declare that Jesus was just a nice guy."
# "The person of the century as declared by Time
"Is a person on SCIENCE- Albert Einstein!"
King Luca continued, "So why not revere
"This new white haired-man at this time each year?
"For Einstein! For Rutherford! For Bohr, Planck and Fermi!
"For Heisenberg, Schrodinger, for Roentgen and Curie!
"For all of those Nukees who've ever known scorn,
"The secular holiday AGNOSTICA is born!"

Second, the blandness of cash as a Christmas gift.

Most times a nice little trinket that goes along with someone's interest's is more appreciated than something as impersonal as cash, but I had to do something.

Actually, if you're going to give cash, it doesn't have to be dull. Liven it up with oddball stuff, like $2 bills, Sacagewea Dollars, Susan B. Anthony dollars, or Kennedy halves. Most banks have some of these laying around gathering dust in their vaults. You just have to ask.

But even if you can't FIND anything exotic, you can always MAKE something...

Money Origami.

After that, just duct tape them inside a paper bag, and you'll have created the bestest gift they ever got.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping, the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a once-and-only masterpiece...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

KING OF THE BLOGS: JUDGMENT DAY 2

One man sits on the throne, and a mixed double of challengers eye it hungrily.

Could this finally be the week when a warrior hottie claims SOLE possession of The Big Chair?

Let's find out.

If you are crowned King, what King from history or popular culture would you emulate and why?

Warren of View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Suave segue neatly disguises the fact that this is a mandatory assignment and NOT a typical, voluntary post. Future competitors should learn from the master and avoid bland, factual introductions. MAKE UP ANOTHER REASON FOR YOUR POST. It's much more entertaining that way.
BAD POINTS: "immitate his reign"... "surrounds himelf"... "ANd this way"... didn't I warn you about stealing other people's typo schtick last week? You keep this up, and I'll be forced to vote on considering discussing a resolution - and maybe even eventually PASSING it!
SCORE: 5

T.A.P of The Aggressive Progressive
GOOD POINTS: Great off-the-wall angle on the King question. Bonus for pushing my nostalgia button by mentioning Quisp.
BAD POINTS: The Pat Robertson reference seemed a little forced & awkward. Probably could've been improved by referencing an intolerant bigot who held ACTUAL political power. Hitler, Stalin, or even the Pope maybe.
SCORE: 4

Cyn of Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: Not one, but TWO pictures of big-eyed, long-haired brunettes. Either she's been reading my blog, or she's a lucky guesser. Either way - BONUS! Other great things - the mental image of the Blog War Dance just made me giggle; I liked the over-the-edge choice of RuPaul for "Queen"; finally, she gives explicit credit to BOTH of her image sources. VERY classy.
BAD POINTS: None visible
SCORE: 5

View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Extremely well-constructed piece on how Christians ought to be taking their message to those who need it most, whether they want to or not. I enjoyed how the tagline was woven throughout the essay to give it unity.
BAD POINTS: Perpetuates unfair stereotypes against Samarians as smelly sinners. VERY insensitive.
SCORE: 5

The Aggressive Progressive
GOOD POINTS: One of the most self-absorbed posts I've ever read - ME! ME! ME! Narcissism is a necessary trait in an effective monarch, so bonus on that.
BAD POINTS: Squanders bonus by failing to give link to the post he's complaining about. If you don't want to drive traffic to someone you don't like that's fine, but in that case, at least have the courtesy to quote the post extensively so that your readers know what you're talking about. A Fisking may have been more appropriate here.
SCORE: 3.5

Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: The phrase "from the dirty but not stinky pile" just rocks. Also cool is the fact that - even wearing her dirty-but-not-stinkies, and having a head full of sleep and/or oil, she STILL can't look as skank as Britney.
BAD POINTS: She made me look at skanky ol' Britney. I'm sending her the bill for my retinal reconstructive surgery.
SCORE: 5

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

View From The Pew:
GOOD POINTS: Nothing but. All his techs are in order, plus he actually took my corrective advice from last week. Color me flattered.
BAD POINTS: One more suggestion, but I won't subtract for it. The link to the "About Me" post should probably go right above the contact e-mail address. Currently, it's right under the Creative Commons License stuff. The CCL is one of those things that just shouts "IGNORE ME!", and it's zone of invisibility may tend to obscure the "About Me" link with it's psychological halo.

SCORE: 5

The Aggressive Progressive:
GOOD POINTS: Excellent non-annoying use of the color yellow in the sidebar - normally to be avoided at all costs, but T.A.P. makes it work. I also really like this template's use of thin lines to keep the title, post body, and footer-information separated. Easy on the eyes, easy to use.

BAD POINTS: A little skimpy with the contact info - this is nominally a group blog, yet only one of the listed authors has a contact e-mail in their profile. I guess it's a good thing that T.A.P. is pretty much the only one posting. Another irritation is that gender is not obvious with either T.A.P. or The Almighty. I'm a little uncomfortable writing about a blogger if I don't know which pronoun to use. I'm going with "male" though, because "mike" is part of T.A.P's e-mail address.

SCORE: 3.5

Cyn's Sim
GOOD POINTS: Technically flawless. She's got everything I like to see in a blog. Bonus for the quite fetching picture of herself displayed prominently above the fold. Bonus bonus for the KotB haiku. Other bonus for having blogged since pre-9/11. Talk about longevity! WOW! I hope *I* live that long!

BAD POINTS: Just a few minor things that raised an eyebrow. First... what is Cyn short for? Cynamyn? Cynara? Cyndee? Cyndi? Cyndy? Cyneria? Cynethia? Cynithia? Cynna? Cynth? Cynthea? Cynthia? Cynthiana? Cynthiann? Cynthie? Cynthria? Cynthy? Cynthya? Cyntreia?
...just curious.

Second, Cyn's blogroll is listed by the blogger's first name instead of the blog's name. There's nothing inherently wrong with that - her blog, her call - and it's functional if you're just surfing off it. However, Cyn, you might consider that your blogroll also serves as advertising for the people on it, and listing their blog names is more likely to get them random surfer traffic than listing their real names. Just something to think about.

Finally, the post title font is the same size as the post text font. For asthetic purposes, you might consider making the title font a few points larger to give it a little more emphasis - more of a "headline" feel.

SCORE: 4.5

View From The Pew: 15
The Aggressive Progressive: 11
Cyn's Sim: 14.5

FOOTBALL QUESTION

Beloved Wife asked me this, and it had me scratching my head.

Are there any black punters or kickers in the NFL?

Seems to me it's the exclusive purview of stubby little white boys.

GREASE SEQUEL

So says the rumor from Kevin at Wizbang, and - in the comments - people are stumbling all over themselves with enthusiasm.

Me, I never understood the attraction.

Of Grease
Of John
Of Olivia
Of 50's music.

And I remember the 80's - where this sequel might be set.

Worst decade ever. Bad music, bad hairstyles, bad clothing.

I'm already having nightmares about this movie.

FUN FACTS ABOUT NEW YEAR'S

FUN FACTS ABOUT NEW YEARS

My latest guest post is up at IMAO.

Go. Be first.

HOLY CRAP! LION TOURS! MY BLOGDAUGHTER IS FAMOUS!

Machelle of Quality Weenie got quoted extensively in USA Today.

Excuse me while I take a moment to smirk at the memory of her reluctance to start blogging.

[moment]

Ok, now go congratulate her.

By the way, my favorite part would be this:

She is frustrated by experts who say over-the-counter products provide as much pain relief.

"Every time I hear that, I want to go hit that person," [Machelle] says. "They have never been in the kind of pain I'm in. Taking aspirin is like popping M&Ms."

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

...AND THUS, THE TITLE OF THIS BLOG

I've gotten into the Christmas spirit again.

Welllll... it's SORTA like the Christmas spirit, except slightly more evil and depraved.

By which I mean I've debased yet another fine Christmas carol in the extended entry - "Here Comes Santa Claus".

The pure of heart will probably want to pretend this one never happened.

Either way, here's a midi so you can sing along (courtesy of HamieNet.com)

(Oh, and good luck finding pictures for THIS one, Ogre)

WHILE FRANK'S AWAY, THE GUESTS WILL PLAY

Frank J. of IMAO is away on holiday hiatus.

Guest poster Harvey of Bad Example, is NOT.

Fun Facts About Love is now up.

Go. Be first.

SOON TO BE VENGEFULLY DE-LINKED

I've been reading Boots & Sabers for... well... damn near EVER. I have a lot of love & respect for Owen, and he's a daily read.

Well, he WAS.

All that's over now.

Some crimes are just TOO heinous to be forgiven.

After what he did to his wife Wendy...

My GOD Owen! Do your marriage vows mean NOTHING to you? Did you even THINK about what effect this might have on your CHILDREN?

Shameful. Simply shameful.

Don't know how he can look at himself in the mirror to shave in the morning.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I PROMISE YOU
To be with you each night
watching it slip into each new day
the sun brings the promise
of my devotion in every way.

To watch the years
blend into years
being the keeper of your dreams
the conqueror of your fears.

To have you feel the passion
only hearts in love can feel
from this moment on
proving my love is real.

I will give my love freely
in everything we do
spending the rest of my lifetime
whispering words of love to you

No more broken hearts
or unhappy memories
never any fallen tears
where smiles should be...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

ON EVOLUTION

I've seen a couple of posts on the topic of evolution recently, both of which led to... enthusiastic... discussion in the comments of said posts.

Which leads me ask to the following question:

Has anyone actually READ Darwin's "On the Origin of Species by Means of Natural Selection"?

I mean, it's available, unabridged, on the web for free, so cost can't be a factor.

The obvious stumbling block is that it's written in that prepositional-phrase-laden, nigh-impenetrable prose so common to 19th century authors, but it's certainly no more challenging than wading through the Bible.

I bogged down around Chapter 9, myself, but have good intentions about finishing it eventually, and carry an e-book version around on my PDA for which I paid a mere couple bucks or so.

What I *did* read was quite persuasive. Darwin supports his theory by examining mind-bogglingly huge stacks of observed natural phenomena. What I liked about it is that he cites examples from biologists who spent decades in their field of study. These aren't offhanded remarks from laymen, these are the condensed records from people who know whereof they speak.

Darwin does not (so far as I've read), postulate that evolution is the means by which life arose from non-life. He merely proposes evolution as the mechanism by which new species branch from a common ancestor. Speculation on the origin of life itself is not dealt with, nor do I wish to deal with it here.

All I'm saying is that those who wish to denigrate Darwin's theory should invest some time to learn exactly what it is they're dismissing.

ON GIFT WRAPPING

Blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival has problems doing it right.

I can do it, but I don't enjoy it. Seems like a pointless waste of time, since it's just going to get shredded anyway.

However, I found a way to get around half of the misery.

I call it "Guy Wrapping".

Very simple. If you're giving a present to an adult male, just take a brown paper grocery bag, stuff the present inside, fold the top down, then go around it a couple times with duct tape.

Technically, it meets the definition of "gift wrapping", since there's a gift inside and the outer wrapper completely conceals the contents.

Guys will smile.

Women will roll their eyes.

A good time will be had by all.

NOT A LOVE NOTE

For those poor guys who've been burned by the fairer sex, this little video may offer some comfort.

(hat tip to Physics Geek)

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How will Evil Glenn ring in the New Year?

Is due by 8pm CST Friday, December 31st (that's 9 days away). Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse. Meanwhile, the Fake Glenn Reynolds Quote Round-up will be posted this Friday, the 24th.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Presents For The Troops

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Why is Al Franken in Iraq?

2 Filthy Lies

FRANKLY, *ALL* CHRISTMAS MUSIC SOUNDS LIKE THIS TO ME

Didja ever notice that when some pop artist re-makes a classic Christmas song, they feel compelled to inject it with an inhuman degree of passion in order to "make it their own"? With absolutely zero regard for tradition, much less rhythm or melody?

I notice it 8 hours a day, as I've mentioned before.

Well, I say that if you're going to sound like an American Idol "into the pit of death with you" reject, you might as well give it your all.

As in this version of Oh, Holy Night.

The challenge being to make it through the whole thing with a straight face.

Before you ask, that's not me. It was passed along to me by one of my blogless (and non-annoying) co-workers.

It's technically safe for work, but you'll probably lose your Christmassy-spirited friends if you play it at any significant volume.

GIFTS FOR THE TROOPS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It's almost Christmas, and it's time to start thinking of all the lonely soldiers stuck in the sandbox for the holidays. I'm thinking some of the following items might cheer them up:

Non-goat-related porn

Toilet paper featuring Michael Moore's face.

Bottles of French wine - with the wine poured out and replaced with something less turpentiney

More armor. Maybe we could cut up one of John Kerry's SUV's

Sorry, one of his family's SUV's.

Nike Air Terr-O-Stomper brand combat boots.

Hardee's Monster Thickburger - hold the camel.

Desert camo foam dome.

Decorative brass balls for their Humvees.

A toilet that flushes with sand instead of water.

Reindeer horns for their tanks & APC's

12,000 Whos who will SING! SING! SING! SING! until the insurgents are driven quite thoroughly mad.

Oh, and of course, this little reminder of just what exactly they're fighting for:

(click to enlarge)

(hat tip to I Hate My Cubicle!!! for the pic)

Merry Christmas, boys.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

UPDATE: One serious gift for the troops, courtesy of Matty O'Blackfive:

Kevlar blankets.

Go find out how you can help give the gift of bullet-resistance.

If you're undecided, think of it this way:

If the soldier were here, you'd buy him a drink without thinking twice.

Take the drink money & buy him some Kevlar now, so you CAN buy him that drink later.

'SPLAIN THIS

I get a lot of Google hits for "Wicked Weasel" because I linked the infamous bikini manufacturer in the last Carnival of the Pajamas.

What I don't understand is this:

WickedWeasel.com is the #1 hit for the search "Wicked Weasel".

I'm somewhere in the 30-40 range.

The question being, then, why the HELL are people going 4 pages deep into Google to find MY page, when the MUCH more picturey Wicked Weasel home page is RIGHT AT THE TOP OF PAGE ONE?

Unless I'm the first page that will make it through their anti-pr0n work-firewalls?...

SERIOUS REQUEST FOR HELP

Bloggrandaughter Lee Ann of Lee Ann's View is looking for information from anyone who knows anything about the adoption process.

If you are such an anyone, PLEASE tell her what you can.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

So... I'll bet you're wondering what the #3 Google Images hit for "wife" (without quotes) is (moderate safe search enabled), right?

I'll give you a hint.

Long hair, gray tank top, faded blue jeans.

And I'm married to her.

Some guys have all the luck.

"Some guys" being me.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

THE ONLY GOOD RAT IS A DEAD RAT

Jim of Snooze Button Dreams is telling a rodent-in-a-van story - because it's trendy, I guess - and I saw this line about a female rat-reaction:

[Lovely Wife's "reacting poorly"] doesn't mean jumping and screaming. It does however include elements of the "wake Jim up as soon as rodent evidence becomes apparent" and the "no killing the beastie" varieties.

Ok, ladies, explain the whole "don't kill it" thing. I'm at a loss.

The way I see it, yonder critter chose poorly by entering my domain and making a spectacle of himself so as to attract my attention. I feel a moral obligation to snuff this moron less he pass his stupidity on to further offspring.

I am the hand of Darwin. I am the chlorine in the gene pool.

Yet the ladies plea for mercy on behalf of such plague vectors.

I say NO! This critter has come into MY house, COMPLETELY uninvited, and is eating the stale breadcrumbs off MY floor, thus LITERALLY stealing food out of my vacuum cleaner's mouth.

I wil NOT countenance such assaults against the well-being of my household appliances.

"Eat of my crumbs, die 'cuz you're dumb", that's MY motto.

BUILD IT BIGGER, BUILD IT BETTER, BUILD IT BECAUSE YOU CAN

Blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival took a little quiz, and came out a "True Chicagoan".

I don't need a quiz to know who I am.

Although I'm required - by virtue of being born in Wisconsin - to hate Illinois and everything in it, I love Chicago with a deep and abiding passion.

I love big cities in general. There's just something awe-inspiring about being in a place where - for decades or even hundreds of years - men have looked at what nature had to offer, found it wanting, and built a world in the shape of their visions.

I have a weakness for the higher end of civilization - possibly from my Naval travels to some seriously run-down, third-world hell-holes - and I adore wallowing in the hyper-modernity of America's population centers.

San Francisco, for example, makes me positively GIDDY with civilization-love. That city is, from the ground up, PURE insanity. It's nothing but hills. And when you have hills, you build roads AROUND them. It's the only sensible thing to do.

The streets in San Francisco are - almost without exception - a grid of squares, the purity of their angles such as to make Pythagoras aroused from beyond the grave. Topology be damned. The roads shall be straight and true, as men desire. The hills over which they shall be laid are but the merest of obstacles to be overcome.

It's a sign of the same wonderful, audacious madness that made men believe they could walk on the moon.

That "because it can be done" madness that makes me glad to be an American.

Because here, that blessed madness is normal.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

EVIL GLENN'S SECRET IDENTITY

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was over at blogdaughter Sally's site, Whimsy Capricious, where she pointed out that Sir Peter Maxwell has denied being Glenn Reynolds.

Indeed.

Let's take a closer look at this "denial":

It has come to my attention that a group by the name of ‘Alliance Of Free Blogs’ have become somewhat interested in the Maxwellian philosophy and have written a few bizarre articles claiming that I am a chap called ‘Evil Glenn’. My infamy is spreading by the day and I must say that there seems to be an almost cult like worship starting to develop around me.

Please notice that AT NO POINT DOES HE ACTUALLY DENY BEING GLENN REYNOLDS!

In fact, this further confirms that they ARE the same person. Notice the seemingly innocent injection of this phrase:

cult like worship

Now, if you'll recall, the original Maxwell-Reynolds connection was drawn based on Maxwell's lust for hobo-murder:

If you accidentally kill a homeless person it does not matter, they are not legally recognised citizens and you are doing society a favour anyway.

Oddly, this doesn't mention the reason that Reynolds gives for murdering hobos:

"You're right; I can't worship Satan... until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!" Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.

However, "Maxwell" NOW mentions "worship"... mere coincidence, or a craftily embedded clue?

And in THIS thread from his forums, he mentions "pornography"

The peasants are not responsible enough to enjoy pornography, peasants should not get ideas about climbing the ladder of wealth.

The Great Chain of Being prohibits this, and it is God's will.

True, he doesn't mention "penguins", but - as with the hobo post - he's probably separating the key words to maintain plausible deniability.

However, please note that both "peasants" and "penguins" begin with "pe" - a sly hint, perhaps?

You want more? I've got it.

This post on homosexuality... he uses the phrase:

prance and mince

Which are words that describe effeminate, dance-like motions... DANCING!

And what KIND of dancing does Evil Glenn do?:

He then started doing the robot dance[...]

This time, "Maxwell" doesn't even hesitate to give away the game:

...he was a mere robot following my orders...

We've got you dead to rights, Reynolds/Maxwell. You might as well just come out and tell the world:

Sir Peter Maxwell IS Glenn Reynolds!

The. Mask. Is. Off.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

OBLIGATORY LINKAGE POST

Carnival of the Cats is up at Sharp As A Marble. If you like pictures of adorable kitties, go gander.

Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views took my R-rated version of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and put... um... "appropriate"... pictures of it into a flash video, complete with music. Not safe for work OR delicate sensibilities, but I still give it a 9.5 on the Drink Alert scale, even though it's somewhat out of sync.

Anyone got a suggestion for getting it back IN sync? (Please, no boy-band puns... I'm looking for honest geek advice here).

KING OF THE BLOGS WINNER ANNOUNCED

In a brutally lopsided victory, View From The Pew kicked the crap out of his competitors by 8.5 and 11.5 points, respectively, resulting in 2 fewer empty cells in the Royal Dungeon.

Be sure to check the reviews so you don't miss such goodies as:

Pietro of Smarter Cop apparently only uses a diminutive, non-lead-filled nightstick for subduing serial misspellers, although he threatens to whip out "Big Jim" for a second offense.

Songstress7 of News From The Great Beyond mocks a contestant's small... um... creative ability... as it were.

and yes, once again folks, the importance of an "About Me" post can NOT be overstressed.

In other KotB news, this week's pair of pretenders has been selected.

Also, Nick has posted a 5-question interview with yours truly. Go forth, and be amused.

Don't forget you can actually gamble on the KotB tourney and win a free blog-ad at Patriot Paradox. See the top of the KotB page for details.

I'm trying to talk Nick into having the losers of the Pick 'Em drawn & quartered, but he's currently being pretty mule-headed about the whole thing. Maybe you should play while it's still safe.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder: What should we get the troops for Christmas? due by 8pm CDT Wednesday, December 22nd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse. Remember, humor is optional on this one.

Monday Linky Stuff

Help an Alliance Member find a fake Glenn Reynolds quote. Win (dubiously) valuable prizes!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

JUST IN CASE I FORGET WHERE I LIVE

(click to enlarge)

... I can always check the satellite map.

[hat tip to Gerard of American Digest]

DOES IT MATTER?

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks is mulling over his hits/links discrepancy:

Take me for example, I have "Large Mammal" status. That's pretty far up the food chain. Makes it appear that if I'm not a big dog, at least I'm not a toy poodle either.

I get a whopping 75-100 hits a day. Less lately now that I've been in Depress-O-Angst mode about my job and other shit.

Blog Daughter Boudicca gets that or more, and in spurts gets 200+ hits a day, and she's stuck at Marauding Marsupial level. I see her surpassing my hits count before summer (I'm a proud papa! heheh).I think she deserves a higher ranking than me.

If I wasn't crosslinked to so many people because of belonging to The Alliance of Free Blogs, and Blogs for Bush, we'd be swapping pouch grooming tips. If they had three or four more large blogging groups for me to join, I could probably end up somewhere near Higher Being status without getting more than half my hits from personal friends. (NOT why I joined either the Alliance or Blogs for Bush, by the way)

There's a temptation to say that "those links don't count" somehow. But in a way, they do. They show that you're at least participating out in the larger blogosphere, and not just typing at yourself. It means that, at some point, you made yourself worthy of that link, even if it's not currently driving traffic.

If nothing else, consider it as sort of a reward for seniority. You've been blogging for a long time, so the links accumulate.

Or you can think of it THIS way - yeah, you suck, but not so bad that you're being DE-linked.

Those old links are like battle-scars or tattoos. No, they're not fresh & bleeding anymore, but at one time they WERE.

You've EARNED them. Wear them proudly.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

(Found this at my old Bad Money site, and thought it was worth re-posting since it still amused me)

Upon accusing me of a minor crime based on misinterpreted circumstancial evidence and then finding out I was innocent, Beloved Wife backpedalled with the following statement:

"Two plus two equals four, they were just the wrong twos"

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

PUTTING THE TORCH TO MY PILE OF GOOD KARMA

I mentioned previously that I'm just a wee bit tired of Christmas music at the bank.

Well, it seems that everybody's favorite chubby, squinty-eyed, folk-singer/snowman, Burl Ives, belted out one too many verses of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and the tenuous thread by which my sanity was hanging snapped like a beatnick's fingers.

Consequently, I was inspired to turn this cheerful little holiday ditty into something dark and twisted. I've placed it in the extended entry to protect those less Grinched-out than myself.

Here's a midi file if you want to sing along. Ignore the 5 second intro and quit after about 51 seconds, unless you want to repeat some verses.

OO! SHINY ARMOR!

(A BLOGGING FAIRY TALE)

A long time ago in a faraway blogkingdom, Princess Machelle of Quality Weenie, blogdaughter of King Harvey of Castle Example, was having some template-decorating issues and cried for help.

"HELP! HELP!", she cried.

Along came a brave Ogre in shining armor (hmmm... sorta like Shrek) to help Machelle.

"HELP! HELP!", she cried.

"Pipe down, lady!", said Ogre, "I'm workin' on it!"

And work on it he did, cranking out line after line of helpful code.

But the evil Haloscan dragon kept interpreting the code so that nothing would show up in the comments.

"RARRRR!" roared Haloscan.

"HELP! HELP!", cried Machelle.

"WTF?", growled Ogre.

Finally, the gallant Ogre used the pointy and magical caret key to slay the evil Haloscan dragon.

"Yippie-ki-yay, mother-f***er!" shouted Ogre triumphantly.

"ERK! ACK! *whump!*", said Haloscan, falling over, dead and defeated at last.

"YAY!", cried Machelle, "My hero!"

When news of the Ogre's brave, unselfish deed reached Castle Example, the King rubbed his beard thoughtfully. "Pretty good work for a smelly green swamp-dweller. I will give him my beloved blogdaughter's hand in marriage as a reward."

However, after discussing matters with the shotgun that Machelle's husband had aimed at his testicles, the King decided that blogrolling Ogre would be sufficient.

And they all lived happily ever after.

KING OF THE BLOGS: JUDGMENT DAY

So we've got these three guys who think they have what it takes to be King of the Blogs.

And this is me telling two of them they're more full of crap than Michael Moore is full of Twinkies.

If you were to become king over another planet what 3 laws would you pass, what ridiculous thing would you make your subjects do to humor you, and what would your title be?

Steve of I Hate My Cubicle!!!
GOOD POINTS: Manages to legitimately work an obscenity into his answer, thus confounding Nick's request for wholesomeness. A good monarch knows how to thumb his nose at those claiming some right of "authority". Fight the power!
BAD POINTS: When asked for 3 laws, gives 6. Maybe Steve should be applying for a position with the Federal Government.
SCORE: 3

Owen of Illogicology
GOOD POINTS: Has two typos in his post. A good monarch knows when to break with trite conventions, and as King, a word is spelled the way you DECREE that it's spelled, and Mme. Guillotine awaits non-conformists. Also, bonus for mocking AOL.
BAD POINTS: Makes known his passion for Star Trek TOS, yet COMPLETELY blows the chance to use the line: "A question... Since before your sun burned hot in space, and before your race was born, I have awaited a question." Damned slipshod of you, your Royal Sarcasticness.
SCORE: 3.5

Warren of View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Weaves all three answers seamlessly into a single coherant post, thus avoiding the drab drollery of step-by-step listing. Bonus for providing explanatory linkage on the more obscure terms like "Brockian Ultra-Cricket".
BAD POINTS: AAAAAAH! Hacker-speak! "j00 R0><0r5" *shudder*
SCORE: 5

I Hate My Cubicle!!!
GOOD POINTS: Truly makes the reader feel his pain as he recounts a recent customer service disaster with Fry's Electronics.
BAD POINTS: Language, Mister! There's a PG-13 requirement on submitted posts. Although colorful metaphors don't bother this old sailor personally, you have to THINK OF THE CHILDREN^TM
SCORE: 3

Illogicology
GOOD POINTS: Continues blithely on with typo theme while making me hungry with his delicious bagel recipe. Owen should consider submitting this to the Carnival of the Recipes, if for no other reason than yonder round-up could use a little comic relief.
BAD POINTS: Fails to explain the difference between a bread knife and a butter knife for uncouth slobs like myself who think that a spoon handle makes a servicable substitute for either.
SCORE: 3.5

View From The Pew
GOOD POINTS: Makes a credible analogy between theology and software. Even being religiously "none-of-the-above" as I am, I found the piece intriguing.
BAD POINTS: Those "patches" he mentioned would've been more understandable to me if he'd given links to examples. I had no idea if he was referring to actual creeds, or just groin-kicking straw men. Also, he plagiarizes Owen's "typo" schtick with this line: "Go is waiting for YOU to act..." without crediting his source. BAD Owen!
SCORE: 4.5

Here are some technical things I like to see on a blog:

King of the Blogs javascript thingy in the sidebar
Comments enabled
Permalinks working
E-mail contact info available
Blogger's name/pseudonym prominently displayed
Site search feature enabled
Link to an "About Me" post on the sidebar
Blogger's gender is easily discernable
Blogroll
Readable font style & size
Readable color scheme (for example, NOT bright red type on bright green
background)
Divisions between posts clearly marked
Paragraphing in entries (NOT just writing one fat block of text)

Aside from the tech stuff, I also like to see a blogger's personality shining through, to
remind us of the person behind the words.

With that in mind...

I Hate My Cubicle!!!
No KotB javascript thingy. That's BAD. Come on Steve... you're Paris Hiltoning yourself out to every blog-pimping organization known to man, yet you won't give this contest a little back-alley quickie in your sidebar? I feel snubbed, so I'm snubbing back on the score, which by rights should be 0.

However, I *do* enjoy the fact that Steve has a "work-safe" version of his blog available. That's a right handy feature, so I'm giving a consolation point. Don't get me wrong Steve, it's a great site, and I'm blogrolling it because I like scantily-clad women, but you're just not a good fit for KotB.

SCORE: 1

Illogicology
Very welcoming. Owen's got his picture and profile right up near the top of the sidebar. A more detailed "About Me" post would be a nice touch, but I won't ding him for that.

Owen's big problem is the complete lack of a blogroll. Indeed, a complete lack of linkage in any post. Seems the young man has problems with html and needs to Google up a basic tutorial somewhere.

Meanwhile, Owen, look in your template for this line:

!-- Begin #sidebar --

and post links to your favorite blogs under it like this (substitute < and > for [ and ]):

[A HREF="http://badexample.mu.nu/"]Bad Example[/A]

Now, even though Owen's blog isn't particularly attractive or fancy, I give him personality points for a couple things...

First, he spent some extra time blogging about KotB (here and here, for example) and the display of enthusiasm is wonderful.

Second, he's capable of some stunning writing - like this poem.

I don't think he's quite ready to grab the KotB crown yet, but I see a LOT of potential in this young blogger. After he learns a bit of code & spruces things up a bit, I'd like to see him try again, assuming he doesn't win this time.

Two parting gifts for Owen:

1 - Haloscan will auto-install their far-better-than-native-Blogger comments AND trackback features, as I explain here.

2 - Some tips on getting more attention to your blog, which I think you deserve.

SCORE: 3

View From The Pew
The Bible-search feature is pretty spiffy, and more or less makes up for the lack of an "About Me" post. Warren should really consider one so his readers can get to know him a little better. He seems worth knowing. Outside of that, the only real complaint I have is that the permalink at the bottom of each post is a little too close to the title of the next post. He might consider either adding some white space under the permalink link, or perhaps slipping in a horizontal line to make the division clearer.

I'd also recommend putting the comment & trackback links at the BOTTOM of each post, because that's where your reader is going to be when he finishes the entry, so you want to have those links ON THE SCREEN when he's ready to talk back to you. More convenience equals more comments.

SCORE: 4.5

I Hate My Cubicle!!!: 7
Illogicology: 10
View From The Pew: 14

HOW TO TELL YOU BLOG TOO MUCH

If, while visiting Straight White Eric, you read the following:

... I just mixed up a batch of Chocotinis for the Wife... she's in the den watching Bonfire of the Vanities...

...and you stop dead in your tracks for a few seconds while trying to imagine why Eric used the word "watching" to describe reading a collection of the worst posts in the blogosphere.

Yup. That's the first sign.

Any others?

A DAY IN THE LIFE OF AN IDIOT

Where do idiots go after they stop by my teller window trying to cash an out-of-state check sans account or ID?

They visit blogson Jeff of Au Fait (which may explain why his site is loading so VERY slowly) and try to get themselves one of them there web site thingies:

Client: I want a website.
Me: Cool! I can do that! What would you like?
Client: Oh, you know, a website.
Me: Uh, OK, any particular color?
Client: Something pleasant, but not too pleasant.
Me: Right. So will you be needing any database services?
Client: Oh, no! Just a page or two. No database stuff.
Me: Is it a blog? A photo album you want for family? A business? What is it?
Client: A website! I thought you were one of those pros!
Me: OK, send me some stuff by email, and I'll try to get started.
Client: Should I send the stuff about my mailing list?
Me: Mailing list? We'll have to create a database for that.
Client: Didn't I just finish saying I don't want any databases?
Me: Uhhh...

Where do they go after that?

Why don't YOU tell me in the comments.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

But to see her was to love her, love but her, and love her forever.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Friday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Christmas

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Evil Glenn's New Year - Due in two weeks.

Coming next Friday to Alliance HQ, the Fake Glenn Reynolds Quote Round-up.

HOW EVIL GLENN STOLE THE CHRISTMAS ASSIGNMENT

(A FILTHY LIE ASSIGNMENT)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

Every blogger
In the blogosphere
Liked the Alliance a lot...

But Evil Glenn,
Who lived atop the Ecosystem,
Did NOT!

Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
And their stupid assignments
With the funny rejoinders and their witty refinements.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His shoes or his willy,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, just hating them silly,
Staring down from his castle with a sour, Evil Glenn frown
As humorous posts on their sites did abound.
For he knew every blogger in the Alliance below
Was busy now, writing, so their humor would show.

"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
"About "Evil Glenn's Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Glenn fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this assignment from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the bloggers would rise
Out of bed bright and early. Then they'd write Filthy Lies!
And then! Oh, the lies! Oh, the lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
That's one thing he hated! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!

Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post!
And they'd POST! POST! POST! POST!
They'd challenge his standing as the man who blogged most
Which meant Instapundit couldn't sit back and coast.

And THEN
They'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Would link to each other, OH! The links they'd be flinging
They'd turn on their trackbacks. And then they'd start pinging!

They'd ping! And they'd ping!
AND they'd PING! PING! PING! PING!
And the more Evil Glenn thought of the Alliance-Blog-Ping
The more Evil Glenn thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over a year I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop this assignment from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Evil Glenn
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Frank J. katana and Colt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick to play!
"With this sword and this gun, I'll look just like Frank J.!"

"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Evil Glenn looked around.
But since hot babes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn...?
No! Evil Glenn simply said,
"If I can't find a T-shirt babe, I'll make one instead!"
So he grabbed his dog Max. Who he'd blended that morn'
And covered his corpse with some photoshopped porn.

THEN
He logged on his blog
With a flick of his wrist
If the Alliance found out
They would surely be pissed.

Then Evil Glenn started posting
Spreading word all around
Instapundit was quitting
And his blog he'd shut down.

His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
The Alliance could stop whacking Glenn with their screeds
And turn off their Instapundit RSS feeds.
"I'll not be number one," old Evil Glenn hissed
"The Alliance can take me off of their enemies list."

Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
But if the Alliance could do it, then so could Evil Glenn.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But kept typing onward until he was through.
He'd trick the Alliance, they never would know.
"In a blog war," he grinned, "truth is the first thing to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
To Alliance HQ, then he clicked every link!
Cornpone! Physics Geek! Frizzen Sparks! Zoo!
Drama Queen! Brain Shavings! There's One, Only!, too!
And he stuffed all their comments with a link to his post.
With hopes that they'd soon tell the Alliance's host!

Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Disguising the source of the message he sends!
So the word soon got out just as quick as a flash.
Why, the Alliance had finally kicked Evil Glenn's ass!

Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn, "There will be no more lies!"

Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
When he saw a new comment - much smarter than most.
He clicked the comment link and discovered just who!
Sexy Susie-Lou Who, and her boobs, One and Two.

Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
Upon his sly plans she had just thrown cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn and said, "Frank J, why,
"Why are YOU shutting down Instapundit? WHY?"

But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little siren," the fake Frank J. lied,
"Evil Glenn is good now, he's come to our side.
"So I'm taking his blog down, but I'll bring it back funny.
"The Alliance will rule all, and we'll have bags of money!"

And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
And he got her a fireman and he sent her to bed.
And when Susie-Lou Who went to bed with her man,
Like a cowardly Frenchman, Evil Glenn turned and ran!

Then the last thing he hacked
Was the referer log.
Then he put up his feet, as he blended a dog.
Sure that confusion would spread through the Alliance like fog.

And then with an Instalanche
He crashed all their servers
And kicked back with the latest "Penguins for Perverts".

Then
He did the same thing
To every last blog.

Leaving bandwith
So thin that
It couldn't NOT clog!

It was quarter past dawn...
Servers crashing pell-mell
All the bloggers, still un-logged-on
When he packed up his Dell,
Packed it up with their links! And their traffic! And pings!
With their hot-buttered porn stars in leathery things!

With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
He Robot-Danced happily in Satan's church!
"Pooh-pooh to the bloggers!" he was Glenn-ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no assignment is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bloggers in the Alliance will all blog BOO-HOO!"

"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
"That I simply must read!"
He chuckled as he turned on his computer... "Indeed!"
And he did see some posts on the blogs he had thrashed.
On the ones that he THOUGHT he had thoroughly trashed...

But these postings weren't sad!
Why, they sounded quite merry!
It couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY!

He stared down at the blogs!
Evil Glenn popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Was posting their assignment! They were NOT fooled at all!
He HADN'T stopped the assignment from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be thus?
It came without linkage! It came without posts!
"It came without DSL! Dial-up! Or hosts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe assignments aren't just a way to link-whore.
"Maybe if *I* did an assignment, I could even the score!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in the Alliance they say
With Enzyte, Glenn's small wang
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he decided to share some of his links,
And declared that the Alliance wasn't just lying finks
He brought back the traffic! And he proved himself best
When he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Evil Glenn... said

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

IT *CAN* BE DONE

I actually finished all 40 levels:

Actually, it was only about 2 hours. I spent 3 hours of quality guy time with Blogless Brother Tom between levels 39 and 40.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

All I need is my one star in the sky to wish for you every day.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

NEVER TRUST A FELINE

(click to enlarge)

Damn kittens shaved my head while I was passed out drunk.

Little bastards.

CHRISTMAS CARDS!

Goldie of Drama Queen is sending out summer Santa Christmas cards from kangaroo country.

All she needs is your mailing address.

I'm doing it just because I want to find out if Australian stamps really DO have pictures of giant beer cans on them.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I may not be totally perfect...
But parts of me are excellent!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS

(An IMAO Guest Post Sequel That I'm Keeping For Myself)

After Googling my fingers to the bone, I've discovered that there's more to learn about this "Christmas" thing than I originally thought. Since I'm sure everyone else is as eager to further their education as I am, I present:

MORE FUN FACTS ABOUT CHRISTMAS

"Hot cockles" was a popular game at Christmas in medieval times. It was a game in which the other players took turns striking the blindfolded player, who had to guess the name of the person delivering each blow. I play a slightly modified version of this with my wife every Wednesday.

A traditional Christmas dinner in early England was the head of a pig prepared with mustard. Every day is Christmas at Michael Moore's house.

The Irish celebrate Christmas by drinking heavily and brawling. Which gives them something in common with Michael Moore.

Child singer Jimmy Boyd was 12 years and 11 months old when he sang the Christmas favorite, "I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus". He was 34 when his therapist finally pronounced him cured.

Animal Crackers are not really crackers, but cookies that were imported to the United States from England in the late 1800s. Barnum's circus-like boxes were designed with a string handle so that they could be hung on a Christmas tree. As were several of his sideshow midgets.

Christmas trees are edible. Many parts of pines, spruces, and firs can be eaten. Don't get carried away and eat the tinsel and ornaments, though.

Are you listening to me, Michael Moore?... Michael?... Michael!... STOP THAT!

Oh well. Maybe Charlie Brown will buy that one.

During the Christmas buying season, Visa cards alone are used an average of 5,340 times every minute in the United States. Mostly by my wife.

Electric Christmas tree lights were first used in 1895. The tree was immediately destoyed by angry, pitchfork-wielding villagers who claimed it was "the work of the Devil."

In 1997, the most popular Christmas gift was the Princess Di Memorial Beanie Baby Bear. Where the hell were the angry villagers when we NEEDED them?

For every real Christmas tree harvested, 2 to 3 seedlings are planted in its place, making them a more world-threatening menace than liberals and terrorists combined.

[grabs pitchfork]

Franklin Pierce was the first United States' president to decorate an official White House Christmas tree. Bill Clinton was the first US President to screw an intern underneath one.

The popular Christmas song "Jingle Bells" was composed in 1857 by James Pierpont, and was originally called, "I'm Freezing My Balls Off Out Here!"

Greeks do not use Christmas trees or give presents at Christmas. Instead, they pair up and argue loudly about the correct pronunciation of "gyro".

In 1907, Oklahoma became the last US state to declare Christmas a legal holiday. The law would've passed in 1906, but the state's Capitol building was torched by pitchfork-wielding villagers before the voting was completed.

In Armenia, the traditional Christmas Eve meal consists of fried fish, lettuce, and spinach. The meal is traditionally eaten after the Christmas Eve service, in commemoration of the supper eaten by Mary on the evening before Christ's birth just before she beat the crap out of Bluto the Innkeeper.

It was in 1863 that a Thomas Nast cartoon first depicted Santa Claus with a sleigh and reindeer, delivering Christmas gifts to soldiers fighting in the U.S. Civil War. In a journalistic tradition that remains to this day, it was titled "Santa Was Misled Into Supporting Bush's Evil War For Southern Oil"

Dickens's "A Christmas Carol" was - in its first draft - originally a propaganda piece about the evils of liquor, tentatively titled "Absinthe Madness".

The important lesson to draw from "How the Grinch Stole Christmas"? If Cindy Lou Who catches you stealing a Christmas tree, snap the little bitch's neck and bury her in a shallow grave. Blood on your hands will help steel your resolve to dump all those presents off the top of Mount Crumpet.

The Puritans forbade the singing of Christmas carols. In 2008, I'm voting straight Puritan ticket.

Ya know, even after all this research, I still don't get Christmas. Maybe I'll celebrate that Jewish holiday, Hanukkah, or that Black one, Kwanzaa, or maybe I'll just celebrate Kwanzukkah, like Sammy Davis Jr.

COMMENT PARTY!

Not here.

Ambient Irony.

Seems that Pixy Misa - beloved host of MuNu blogs everywhere - actually REQUESTED a comment party to be thrown at his place.

Time to teach the man from Down Under to be careful what he wishes for...

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What will Evil Glenn be doing for Christmas?

Is due by 8pm CST Friday, December 17th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Terrorist Christmas Presents

New PGH Assignment: What should we get the troops for Christmas?

This week, the "humor" part is optional. You can just say "thanks" if you want.

TERRORIST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Good boys & girls get toys.

Bad boys & girls get coal.

I got handcuffs. I have no idea what that means.

But the TRULY rotten folks - like, say, terrorists - can expect something else. Like maybe...

A nice, cuddly puppy dog, since Muslims worship dogs as holy.

Or is that Hindus with cows?... Whatever.

A box of bullets clearly labeled "For Internal Use Only" and delivered from the rifles of happy Marines wearing Santa hats.

A crate of dreidels.

A 55-gallon drum of pickled pig's feet. MMMMM! Pork-o-licious!

Inflatable camels that explode upon penetration.

New tents. With big red bullseyes on top and GPS beacons in the tentpoles.

A container marked "beard conditioner" containing pubic lice.

Send them to go play an addictive flash game like the perfectly safe for work Warthog Launch. Forget terrorist activity, they won't even leave their chairs to go take a crap.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pop some purple floaty alien things...

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

[Hat tip to Stupid Evil Bastard - be sure to check the amusing comments]

HUH. IMAGINE THAT. SOMETHING I *WON'T* BE GOING TO HELL FOR

When I started blogging I just wanted to get the ego-boost of seeing my words in print and perhaps have someone leave a comment like "you don't suck TOO bad."

Along the line, I would occasionally get commenters with obvious writing skills. I felt guilty hogging all that good reading to myself, so I'd say "DUDE! Get a blog!"

And some people listened. Mostly because it was what they wanted to do anyway, and all they needed was a little nudge.

Thus blogchildren.

Then I discovered that sometimes encouraging people to continue to blog is as important as getting them to begin. Sometimes a blogger's virtual car stalls on the highway & needs a jumpstart. I found out that some people really appreciated those "you don't suck TOO bad" comments that I'd leave.

Thus adoptees.

And thus a childless man of 38 has numerous "children" who are older than he is. Which makes for some cute inside jokes.

But then things got weird. The blogkids started getting in touch with each other. Perfect strangers. No blood relationship. In a normal world, they would never have heard of each other, never met on purpose, and never even blinked if they passed each other on the street. Never would've thought in passing "this is someone I'd like to know".

Which leaves me marvelling at the happy unintended consequences of my choice to blog in the first place. I swear I never meant to do anything good.

But who am I to argue with destiny? ;-)

GEEK HELP REQUEST

Blogdaughter Machelle of Quality Weenie needs a hand:

Ok Blogspotters, how do I:

1 - Get the underlined links in the blog posts to be different color. I couldn't figure out which line in the template is for the linked ones.

2 - Where and how can I put a picture up in the Top area instead of just the words Quality Weenie?

Anyone with a clue, please help.

And for the record, Machelle, the new color scheme is pretty :-)

NEW LOOK FOR HEATHER

Heather of Angelweave has radically redecorated her blog. Instead of the normal solid purple color, she's added some semi-regular-patterned splashes of black & white.

A little odd looking, but it kinda grows on you. Anyway, he's what part of the pattern looks like:

Things I've Discovered While Not Blogging

1) Everyone else keeps blogging. People, don't you know the world's supposed to stop for me?

2) News keeps occurring. See #1.

3) It isn't wise to eat too many of your test cookies, as your waist might expand. Give them to your husband instead.

That's part of it, but you should probably check it out to get that "big picture" effect.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

WHEN BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO BAD OFFICERS

Matty O'Blackfive has an interesting post about whether enlisted men make better officers than the pure Academy types. Interesting discussion ensues in the comments.

But no matter how a guy manages to make officer, it's important that he treat his men well if he wants to win their loyalty.

If he's a complete jag who treats them like crap... let's just say that being outranked isn't the same as being helpless.

4 years of my Naval service were aboard the USS Enterprise in the Reactor Department. I served from 1987-1991. Recently I came across a discussion board full of the reminiscings of various Reactor & Engineering Department members. One of their tales [no permalink, so CTRL+F "A Sad True Story" - about 1/4 the way down the page] seems particularly appropriate to the discussion. Here's the meat of it [I've added comments in brackets for non-Navy folk]:

Lt. R. was impossible to work for and was hated by just about everyone (officer and enlisted, alike).

[...]

The insanity campaign actually began serendipitously with a simple phone call to 4 EOS [Enclosed Operating Station - the Engineering Control Room - think of it as the place where Scotty always answered Kirk's pages from]. Lt. R. never allowed his LRPT [Log Recorder/Phone Talker - think of him as the Watch Officer's secretary] to answer the phone (as was the LRPT’s job) and always answered the EOS desk phone himself (so that he could scream at whoever dared to call the plant if the call wasn’t for official business). Whoever phoned 4 EOS that day knew Lt. R. answered and just didn’t want to deal with him and so hung up. Lt. R. slammed the phone down and the two ROs [Reactor Operators - the guys who monitor reactor temperature & pressure, and shut the reactor down if readings are too far out of spec] turned around and stared at him (and gave him their usual, "you’re such a retard" look). Lt. R. then said something like, "What? You didn’t hear the phone ring?" They both said no (even though they had). Then Lt. R. asked the throttleman if he heard the phone ring and the trottleman said that he didn’t (even though he had). The LRPT also told the watch officer that he didn’t hear the phone ring.

Everyone in EOS knew that Lt. R. was troubled since the phone really did ring. An evil plan was then launched on the spot. One of the ROs was on headphones with Control Equipment [CE monitors current & voltage readings for the electricity that runs all heavy equipment in the engineering spaces](he and the CR operator were doing trip and cals [basically making sure breakers tripped at the right points - routine scheduled maintenance]) and the CR operator [forget the actual name of the watchstation, but basically the guy sitting in the Control Equipment room] was quietly instructed to call 4 EOS and hang up. Everyone in EOS looked straight ahead until Lt. R actually picked up the phone and then they all gave him a sad look, like they felt sorry for him for thinking that the phone was actually ringing. The phone rang again a few minutes later and the same thing happened. This continued until the end of the watch. Then it began all over again the very next watch. And then again the next. Lt. R. was convinced that his phone was ringing (because it was) and placed dozens of trouble calls to the aft IC shack [forget what that stands for, but IC basically did repairs on small electrical equipment] to look into the matter. At least once during each watch an IC guy would be forced to come down to 4 EOS and checkout the phone circuit. (And every time the phone was found to be working properly.)

The boys in 4 plant just couldn’t be satisfied with ringing the EOS phone after a while. They soon got really creative and began synchronizing phones, alarms, buzzers, growlers and just about anything else that could make a noise in EOS. Pretty soon the EOS sounded like a clock shop at noon (Ring-bzzzt-grrrrr-wrrrr-ding-weeeet, etc.). While all this commotion was going on the ROs, throttleman and LRPT just sat there straight faced while Lt. R. ran around EOS trying to answer all the things that were buzzing, growling and ringing. The saddest part of the story really was that pretty soon everyone in Reactor Dept knew that this was going on and everyone, including other watch officers, wanted to be in on it. So towards the end (before Lt. R. actually went insane) just about everyone felt the need to call 4 EOS or R's stateroom and hang up on him.

If an officer wants respect, he has to earn it. If he doesn't earn it...

His men can make him wish he had.

Quality Control isn't always top-down.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[T]

When I said you should invest in T-bills, that's NOT what I meant!

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Monday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What should we get the terrorists for Christmas?
due by 8pm CST Wednesday, December 15th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

A Filthy Lie.

Rockynoggin of Cornpone to become new blogospheric overlord! Vows free links for everyone!

AND SO IT BEGINS...

The King of the Blogs tournament is underway.

Amongst their assignmenterry are such diverse challenges as:

If you were to become king over another planet what 3 laws would you pass, what ridiculous thing would you make your subjects do to humor you, and what would your title be?

As for you, dear Bad Example reader, you may participate by:

1) Pinging the above-linked post by tracking back from a post of your own that declares support for one of the contestants. Even if you don't have trackback enabled on your blog, you can use the Wizbang Standalone Trackback Pinger.

2) Putting in your predictions for winner - you can win a free blog ad at Patriot Paradox - look for the screaming headline on the KotB main page.

3) Voting in the KotB poll that appears on the KotB main page left sidebar.

4) Sending me pictures of naked women in compromising positions.

Actually, #4 would be an available option whether KotB was running or not.

Anyway, get clickin' & participatin'.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Found this one at ErosBlog (if you're going there, exercise discretion, as explicit photos abound):

Holding your hands over your head while we make love is good.
Tying you to the bed while we make love is better.
Tying you to the bed, then teasing you till you beg is best.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

GIRLS ARE COOL

I got my Christmas card from Jen.

Ya know what I like about girls?

Yeah, that... and those... and that, too... but ya know what else?

The handwriting.

90% of women have that neat, large, curvy, flowing script. Not that nasty, cramped, scribbly crap that guys have.

I just like it.

Thanks, Jen. Merry Christmas to you, too :-)

[checks Jen's site to look for link to Christmas card post and finds...]

Holy make me blush like a tomato, Batman! Check this out - I won a Windy!:

The Sunshine Award is happily given to Harvey, for always making me smile with his comments and innuendo.

You'll excuse me while I wipe this bit of stray dust out of my eye...

CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #10 - LATE ENTRIES (UPDATED 12-12-04 11:20PM)

Missed a few:

Joe of Joe Huffman has his spiffy T-shirt. Please note the gun-oriented logo on the chest. Also note whose blog is showing on the computer. Bonus for Joe!

Sally of Whimsy Capricious is too shy to actually post this picture (which I'll bet is actually her), so I'll do it for her, since she sent me the link:

(already full size, don't bother clicking)

What I wouldn't give to be her elf.

UPDATE: 12-12-04 11:20pm

David of Third World Country shows off the manliest bit of manliness I've ever seen. I feel inadequate. I'm gonna go grab some Enzyte now.

Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views was too shy to post a picture of himself indulging his pirate fetish. Good thing I'm not:

(already full size, don't bother clicking)

WELL, *THAT* WAS EASY

Found that used car I was looking for. 1991 Honda 4-door, 160,000 miles, pw, pw, ps, cruise, tilt.

Everything works, and the interior is shockingly clean. Quite a cut above from the usual broken-down piggy cars I tend to buy.

My theory being that I'm better off buying five $2000 cars from private parties than I am buying one $10,000 car from a dealership, since people who sell their cars themselves usually don't know what they're worth, and aren't skilled negotiators. And, unlike dealerships, there's no overhead to boost the price.

The only catch with buying from a private party is that you have to know how to spot problems. Over the course of being burned on a few items, I made a list of things to look for:

UNDER THE HOOD:
FLUID LEVELS: COOLANT, TRANNY, BRAKE, OIL
UNDERSIDE: RUST, OIL, T-FLUID
AIR CLEANER, OIL FILTER
BATTERY CABLES, BATTERY FLUID,
HOSES, BELTS, SPARK PLUGS
FRONT SUSPENSION MOUNTS
EXTERIOR:
EXHAUST SYSTEM
JACKING POINTS
STRUTS/SPRINGS/SHOCKS
CV JOINT BOOTS
FRONT/REAR WIPERS/WINDSHIELD
DOOR/WINDOW GASKETS
SPARE TIRE
JACK/LUG WRENCH
ALL LOCKS
INTERIOR:
TURN SIGNALS/4-WAYS/HEADLIGHTS
BRIGHT SWITCH
FRONT/REAR WIPERS/WASHERS
SEAT ADJUSTMENT
HORN
SEAT ANCHORS
FLOORBOARDS
WINDOW CRANKS/LATCHES
HATCH/TRUNK RELEASE
GLOVE COMPARTMENT
FUSE BOX
REARVIEW MIRRORS/ADJUSTMENT
SUNROOF (LEAKS?)/WATER DAMAGE
CASSETTE PLAYER
TEST DRIVE:
PARKING BRAKE
HEATER
A/C
DEFROSTER
FINAL:
CARDBOARD UNDER CAR AFTER TEST DRIVE
REQUIRED TOOLS: CARDBOARD, RAG, CASSETTE, FLASHLIGHT

And some questions to ask before you even show up for the test drive:

BACKGROUND:
MAKE, MODEL, YEAR
FWD/RWD
AUTO/STICK
MILES
TIRES
PROBLEMS
ACCIDENTS
MPG
TIMING BELT
WHY SELLING
RECENT REPAIRS/REPLACEMENTS
OUTSTANDING LEINS
WATER PUMP/FUEL PUMP
ALTERNATOR/VOLTAGE REGULATOR
FRONT END ALIGNMENT
WHOSE NAME IS IT UNDER
HOW LONG WITH THAT OWNER

Yeah, I once bought a car that still had a lein on it. Fortunately for me, the guy payed off his bank after I paid him. He could've defaulted on the loan and I would've been on the hook. That was a near miss.

The other thing to know is - are you talking with the guy whose name is on the title? It puts you in a weak negotiating position if you name a price & he gets to say "I have to check with my friend/brother/cousin".

Anyway, I paid $1650 for the car, and kbb.com has it for $1755-$2185 depending on whether the condition is "fair" or "good". I'm pretty happy.

A REMINDER TO COUNT YOUR BLESSINGS

Blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City has returned from a lengthy hiatus with some thoughts on her personal gratitude to the soldiers who helped her recover emotionally from her losses on 9/11:

Without knowing it, these letters became my bridge back to life. Through them I found a way to grieve without being overwhelmed by the deep and profound loss of my close friends. To these incredible men and women I will be eternally grateful, for without knowing it, they helped me rise out of the ashes of this disaster and empowered me, through their quiet and resilient strength, to overcome this tragedy.

May God bless each and every one of them.

The best thanks you can give them, Michele, is to continue being an American worth fighting for.

Just keep doing what you're doing.

And welcome back to the blogosphere. You were missed.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

[hat tip to blogson _Jon of We Swear for this one]

Cold Feet
---------

Her feet are always so cold when she got into bed.
We play games using body parts to warm them up.
But some parts of her body are always hot.
Not just in bed.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

LAME EXCUSE

Sorry it took so long to get the CotP posted. I had to spend a good chunk of my day used-car shopping, which ate heavily into my blogging time.

Worst part is that said shopping came up empty, so this is going to be an ongoing issue for a while.

CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #10: THE FINAL CHAPTER

It's with a heavy heart that I close out the Carnival of the Pajamas series, but when it gets to the point where even Dan Rather dons pajamas in a useless attempt to rescue his sunken career, you're looking at an ex-meme.

However, let's have one last round of dead-horse whackin' before we call the glue factory. The following folks have appeared for your amusement in their blogging finery:

VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks maxed out her credit card so she could be the best-dressed blogger in the 'sphere. I'm not answering the door for a while, just in case it's her husband coming to axe-murder me.

Margi of Margilowry.com shows off an outfit that REALLY is too small for her. Looks cozy, though.

Teresa of Technicalities sure is dressing light for a woman living in the frozen north. Not that I'm complaining, mind you. And - pure speculation, here - I'm betting she's not wearing any underwear in that shot.

Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice sports a little something that only a Florida girl can get away with wearing this time of year. I'm just wondering how she keeps the sand out of her keyboard. Bou also has another link to something that I'm sure every woman would like to wear, just not in front of their husbands.

Tammi of Road Warrior Survival... gubba... hubba... heeba... um... it's a visual.

That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom goes for the Milblogger look. If you're into sweaty guys in uniform, you'll LOVE this one.

I (Harvey of Bad Example) will now show you what to wear for your Halloween blogging:

(click to enlarge)

I'm on the right. My evil twin on the left is Brian O., one of my best Navy buddies for the first two years of my enlistment. I lost track of him after that because we got assigned to different ships. This was taken in October of '86 during our stint at Naval Nuclear Power School in Orlando.

See? I wasn't ALWAYS the bad boy ;-)

Well, that does it for the Carnival of the Pajamas. Time to give this meme a decent burial and move on to something more tasteful.

Like bathroom blogging.

Oh, and finally, I'd like to thank Wicked Weasel Bikinis for being the best blogging apparel I've ever seen.

(click to enlarge)

Wicked Weasel, for when you don't - technically - want to run around naked.

And if I missed your entry, give a holler in the comments or to harvolson-at-charter.net

GO! QUICKLY!

New guest post at IMAO:

"You Might Be An IMAO Fan..."

Be first!

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

1997 (138 minutes, Rated R) - John Travolta and Nicolas Cage, directed by John Woo...

QUICKIE GUEST POST AT IMAO

Go be first.

REMEMBER WHEN "KNIFE CONTROL" WAS A PUNCHLINE?

In London, the following was said with a straight face:

"We've got a big problem with knives," he said. "We've driven down gun crime but I think there has been a move over to knives.

"If people are carrying a knife for the wrong reasons, i.e. to inflict personal damage, then I think they should receive a mandatory sentence of two if not three years."

This man needs stabbing.

[hat tip to USS Neverdock]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Heavenly Father full of grace,
Bless my wife's beautiful face,
Bless her hair that grows so straight,
And keep her away from the men I hate!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Friday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn - Network Anchor?

A Filthy Lie

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Evil Glenn's Christmas

DAN RATHER REPLACED BY INSTAPUNDIT?

(A FILTHY LIE)

With Dan Rather leaving the CBS Evening News, there's been some chatter around the blogosphere that Glenn Reynolds would make a good replacement.

I guess good is a relative term, depending on good for whom and for what. Let's take a look at some of the probable changes and see...

Somewhere along the line, you can probably expect a penguin to have a Janet Jackson moment during one of Glenn's broadcasts. I'd call this a bad thing for everyone, except, perhaps for Straight White Eric's wife.

The DNC will continue to be made to look like ineffectual fools. That's good.

CBS news will now be on 120 times a day, 15 seconds at a time. Also expect 360 daily programming interruptions for updates. VERY bad. Especially for Survivor fans.

Moving CBS headquarters to Memphis will help pull in viewers from the coveted hillbilly demographic. This will mean more beer commercials featuring scantily-clad women. VERY good.

My odds of getting an Instalanche will remain at zero. Probably good for me to stay under his radar, considering what I've been saying about him.

Admit it. You've always wanted to see a hobo murdered live on national TV. Good thing.

CBS News will FINALLY be the number one Google hit for something. Probably "penguin porn". Bad for me, since that's MY bragging point.

All things considered, put me down in the... [flips coin]... "against" column for this Reynolds-replacing-Rather notion.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

DIRTY ELMO

Blogson Jeff of Jeff's Nuggets has a visual for you (work safe).

UPDATE: I'm having trouble with the direct link - not sure if it's a me thing or a Blogspot thing. If it's a you thing, too, try the main page 12-9-04 "It's Coming".

SO *THAT'S* WHAT THAT MEANS

Russell of Mean Mr. Mustard looks at the fancy-sounding excuse that a deserter uses to justify his actions, and translates it into plain English for the rest of us:

"I'm the kind of asshole who uses lame rhetorical devices to obscure very simple ethical issues. Such as the fact that I say I 'never wanted to fight,' and neither does any other soldier. In my case that phrase happens to mean 'will absolutely refuse to do so, even when duty-bound,' whereas for other soldiers less cowardly than I, it tends overwhelmingly to refer to the fact that they are not actively lusting for blood and gore, but will gladly do what they are ordered to do, including fighting, because following orders from a military commander is the means by which they chose to serve their country."

Go read the whole thing.

LAST CALL: CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #10

Last last call ever. Don't miss this one or you'll regret it for the rest of your life.

I'll make sure of that.

[cracks knuckles]

Post a picture of yourself (or a professional model whose picture you copied off some web page - like I'd know the difference anyway) in your favorite blogging attire. Leave a permalink in the comments to this post, send a trackback, or e-mail the link directly to me at harvolson@charter.net.

Entries due by 12pm CST, Saturday, December 11th, and I'll post the round-up Saturday afternoonish.

See the CotP category for previous round-ups.

IT'S UP

I just posted at IMAO

Fun Facts About Christmas

Go be first.

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Frank J is out of town.

I have guest privileges at IMAO.

Hence the title...

I'll keep you posted.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If all those glittering monarchs that command the servile quarters of this earthly ball should tender in exchange their shares of land, I would not change my fortunes for them all. Their wealth is but a counter to my coin... the world is but theirs; but my beloved is mine.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

1 PM EST, DECEMBER 15TH - HAVE 'EM PLAY "AMERICAN SOLDIER" BY TOBY KEITH

Matty O'Blackfive sent me an e-mail today requesting that I pass the word about an e-mail he recently received.

Can do:

Specialist David Mahlenbrock was killed by an IED on December 3rd in Kirkuk, Iraq.

I received this email. It's from David's Squad in Bravo, 65th Engineers in Iraq and they are forwarding a request from David. It appears that David had a special letter sent to his squad in the event of his death. He wanted Toby Keith's "American Soldier" played at his funeral:

------------------------------
Dear 1st Squad,

If you're reading this, then I've died for our country. I just hope it wasn't for nothing.

After the IED went off yesterday, I wanted to write this in case something happens to me. There are a few more letters that I'd like you to give my wife and family.

I'd like to have a military funeral, but, if you can work please make sure that Toby Keith's "American Soldier" is played at the ceremony in addition to the bagpipes. If they won't let it happen, that's ok, thanks for trying...

I know that all the belongings I have here will go to Melissa, but there are a few more things I'd like for you guys to make sure she gets. I have a dog tag w/ our picture on it along w/ some pictures and an American flag in my left breast pocket. There is also a can that says "Son" on it that Melissa's parents gave me that I'd like for them to have, and that angel stone should go to her grandma and grandpa Snow.

Now if I died w/ blue eyes (one blew that way and one blew the other way) and there's nothing really left of me, that's ok, I know you meant well.

Alright, enough with the dead guy's last request, there's a lot of thank you's I wanna say to you fellas...

-------------------------------------

David will be laid to rest in Arlington on Wednesday, December 15th at 10AM EST.

David's family and friends are trying to get help mobilizing radio stations to play the song "American Soldier", dedicated to David, on Wednesday December 15th at 1PM EST.

I would appreciate it if you could encourage your readers to call and email radio stations to play Toby Keith's "American Soldier" - dedicated to Specialist David Mahlenbrock - at 1PM EST on Wednesday, December 15th.

By the way, Matty lists more ways to help in the effort in his post, so don't be shy about clicking this link.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[YE OLDE TRADING POST INC, 1125 1/2 S. STATE ST., WESTERVILLE IL 51883, CARY K. SPICER CORP PRES]

Come for the famous "stable-o-hookers", but beware the "counterfeite currencie".

SEMPERNIVERSARY

Blogson Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores had his blogiversary last Friday, and forgot to tell anyone.

Including himself.

Probably afraid I'd throw a comment party at his place or something.

Regardless, it's been a GOOD year - if a bit skimpy at times. Yet Mike has a point in that everything he REALLY needed to say he said right out of the gate. Here's a cut from that long-ago post:

And so we find ourselves here, two years after our second “day of infamy,” looking back at the first one, and making comparisons. Why did we get hit on September 11th, 2001? For the same reasons that we got hit on December 7th, 1941. We were not respected. Our enemies are long on anger and short on memory. And not a one of them is half as intelligent as Yamamoto or deserves the respect accorded Yamamoto. But their fates will be the same as Yamamoto. They still think they have a chance to win. They still are under the delusion that victory is attainable. They don’t know about karma.

We do not quit. We do not stop. We squabble amongst ourselves, and at times fight like brothers. But just let somebody outside the family try to hurt my brother…… then stand the hell back. Osama and Saddam are the present day Tojo and Hitler: long on rhetoric and cruelty, but short on brainpower. They don’t know about us. They didn’t get it. They didn’t crack open a history book and flip to the page that said “December 7, 1941: the day America became leader of the world.” And so, they are doomed to repeat the course of history, and to learn the same lesson.

More like that, please.

KING OF THE BLOGS - NEARLY READY

Nick of Patriot Paradox has the rules for the King of the Blogs Tournament posted, so you can see for yourselves what sort of insanity I'll be letting myself in for.

Meanwhile, remember that, despite his good works, Nick is my sworn enemy in the Wizbang 2004 Weblog Awards under the category of "Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs". At least until December 12.

Please help me smite this cur by charging forth and voting for me.

SMITE! SMITE! SMITE!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are more beautiful than music.
Your face is like a poem
And your eyes... heaven

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

NOW THIS IS *MY* KIND OF ADVENT CALENDAR!

A present from Linus of Pepper of the Earth.

Pretty much not work safe due to excessive boob jigglage, but DO try to show up early in the day, as the hosts occasionally exceed their bandwidth. If that happens, just try again another time.

I wonder if Susie's #8? They look about the right size & perkiness...

HAPPY HANUKKAH!

Heh. Spelled it right this time :-)

Last year I had this to say:

I'm "none of the above", religion-wise, but people still wish me a "Merry Christmas" now and again. It doesn't offend me, because I look at the meaning behind the words instead of the form of their expression. Someone is saying that Christmas makes them very happy, and they wish a similar happiness to me. It's not a big deal, it's just a thoughtful courteous gesture.

But I hate being wished "Happy Holidays". The message there is "I don't want to offend you", not "I wish you joy". Which, frankly, I find offensive, because I'm not at all thin-skinned, and I resent the assumption that I am.

All that aside, I do have one Christmas wish that's never been fulfilled. I would like for a practicing Jew to wish me Happy Hannukah. Not because he thinks I'm Jewish, but because the holiday makes him happy, and he wishes a similar happiness for me.

In that spirit, I'd like to wish all my family, friends, readers, and confused passers-by a Happy Snowy-Cold-Day-Off-From-Work!

Although I did finally get my wish last year, I have the same wish again this year, and I'll even broaden it. Please leave the holiday greeting appropriate to your personal beliefs in the comments.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Vote in the Alliance Anthem poll! (see the right sidebar at Alliance HQ)

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What are the pros and/or cons of having Evil Glenn replace Dan Rather as the anchor of the CBS Evening News? due by 8pm CST Friday, December 10th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Dan Rather's New Job

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Terrorist Christmas Presents

DAN RATHER'S NEW JOB

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

All good things must come to an end. Fortunately all bad things do similarly, including 20+ years of Dan Rather's smug liberal puss leering out from behind the CBS Evening News anchor chair.

Hounded out under the shadow of scandal, he'll have to find some other way to draw a paycheck in his sunset years. I speculate thusly:

Enron's new CEO

Should Hillary run in '08, he can be in charge of quelling Bill's "bimbo eruptions".

Helping OJ find "the real killers".

Saddam's prison bitch.

DNC fundraiser dunk-tank clown

Pajama salesman

Michael Moore's back up Twinkie-fetcher

Frozen flagpole tongue-tester

Empire State Building lightning rod holder.

Crash test dummy.

Barnyard animal masturbator

Pamplona's post-Bull-Run street sweeper

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

No, wait... that's Bart Simpson's gig.

San Francisco bath house glory hole sanitizer

Realistically speaking, though, I'm pretty sure Rather's next job will revolve around the words, "Fries with that?"

On the other hand, I see there's a Kinko's in Texas that's hiring (I bolded some items that make this an especially good fit):

RESUMES MUST BE SUBMITTED AS A WORD DOCUMENT TO BE CONSIDERED
****MULTIPLE POSITIONS AVAILABLE******

Minimum Qualifications and Requirements:
High school diploma or equivalent.
3-5 years applicable work experience.
Excellent verbal and written communication skills.
Working knowledge of PC-based business applications as needed.
Ability to multi-task.

General Duties and Responsibilities:
This is a representative list of the general duties the position may be asked to perform and is not intended to be all-inclusive. Work requires a combination of routine and diversified duties with standard instructions and procedures as guides. Duties are standardized and require making minor decisions within pre-established guidelines and procedures. Requires general supervision, with work being checked on a weekly or semi-monthly basis.

Decision making authority is limited.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

REMINDER: CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #10 - THE FINAL CURTAIN

This Saturday's Carnival of the Pajamas will be the last one ever, so if you ever needed an excuse to post a compromising picture of yourself, you'll never get a better one.

Post a picture of yourself (or a professional model whose picture you copied off some web page - like I'd know the difference anyway) in your favorite blogging attire. Leave a permalink in the comments to this post, send a trackback, or e-mail the link directly to me at harvolson@charter.net.

Entries due by 12pm CST, Saturday, December 11th, and I'll post the round-up Saturday afternoonish.

See the CotP category for previous round-ups.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I long for the simplest, yet most beautiful, things in life - the gentle touch of your hand, the tenderness of your skin tightly pressed against mine, the sweet taste of your lips, your angelic smile which melts my heart - those are things money could never buy and nothing could ever replace.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

PRODIGAL BLOGSON RETURNS

A long time ago I adopted a blogson named Jeff, who - with his associate Tom - ran Bigstick.US.

Which changed its name to Hillarity Ensues.

Which has since disappeared.

Jeff stopped blogging completely, so I adopted another Jeff to replace him.

However, it's come to my attention that the original Jeff has picked up the virtual glass pipe again and resumed smoking blogcrack at Jeff's Nuggets, so now I'll have 2 blogkids with the same name.

Now I know how George Foreman feels.

What to say about Jeff...

Well, like any good Bad Example family member, he has... issues:

Hopefully this year I'll be less of a burden, as I'm now classified as an "Upperclassman". Maybe that means I won't drink all the beer in the house and drunkenly wrestle my stepmother?

Issues which also include arguing with AOL Santa-chatbots, producing conversations such as:

WTF Kop: Enough games, Santa. Who's your supplier?
SantaClaus: Well, good question. I could ask you the same thing.

WTF Kop: I know how it all works, Claus. Just give up. We know the elves are mexican Sandinista cocaine farmers, sent up north to run your distribution efforts. We know all about the candy-cane heroin sticks, the lump of coal hashish, and the gumdrop ecstacy. See? We know everything, just give up and make it easier on yourself.
SantaClaus: Now, now... That's simply just too much for elves and me to understand in one go. Could you try asking something a little shorter?

But mostly he does mad, impetuous things for cash, like - seriously - joining Air Force ROTC:

If'n you're interested, yesterday I officially sold my soul to Uncle Sam.

Pending acceptance, which is almost guaranteed, I will now be known as:
Cadet Third Class Jeffrey E. H*** , USAF ROTC

And on his non-blog-related site, he plays electric flugelhorn (or whatever the hell that thing is) with the Boston Lampshadamonic Orchestra. I won't even pretend to understand what THAT'S all about.

Anyway, stop by Jeff's place and welcome him back to the Bad Example Family. Jeff, you can pick your badge of honor/shame from this post.

Meanwhile, I guess _Jon & Tammi have a little graphic artistry to work on.

CHRISTMAS PRESENT FOR PINKFIVE

Back in August, Matty O'Blackfive had a beautiful baby daughter, and I never got him anything.

With Christmas just around the corner, I was thinking this might make a nice gift:

(already full size, don't bother clicking)

[pic from Martin Higgins, found via Shaking Spears]

OO! THE STAKES JUST GOT HIGHER

Nick of Patriot Paradox has accepted my wager on the Wizbang 2004 Weblog Awards under the category of "Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs".

Here's what's at stake:

If I win, Nick has to do an Alliance Assignment.

If Nick wins, I have to do an entry suitable for the Christian Carnival.

I just HAVE to win, since I'm apt to be repeatedly lightning-struck if I have to pay up.

JUST THINKIN'...

George Jetson was tall, lanky, and had a big nose.

Elroy Jeston was short, chunky, and had a tiny nose.

Mr. Spacely was also short, chunky, and had a tiny nose.

Mr. Spacely never fired George permanently, despite his constant displays of ineptitude.

Anyone else see a connection, or am I just reading too much into it?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

And indeed I felt happy with her, so perfectly happy, that the one desire of mine was that it should differ in nothing from hers, and already I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Vote your choice for the Alliance Anthem in the left sidebar at Alliance HQ!

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder: What will Dan Rather's new job be after he leaves CBS? due by 8pm CDT Wednesday, December 8th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

A Filthy Lie

Alliance of Free Blogs Supports Spirit of America. That's a relief. I was having a hard time deciding which group to throw in with.

In the long run, I suppose it doesn't matter. As long as SoA gets some money.

SHOW YOUR PRIDE

Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious asked:

Can we get a little "I Voted" graphic that we can copy and paste? That would be cool.

Sure would.

And with a little help from Pam of Pamibe - image goddess to the stars - your dreams have come true:

All you have to do to earn the right to display this little beauty is to vote for me in Wizbang's 2004 Weblog Awards under the category of "Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs"

Preferrably Chicago-style - early & often.

WHAT'S THE LARGEST DEFICIT OVERCOME IN THE SECOND HALF SINCE THE MERGER?

So... did anyone else weep like a November 3rd liberal while watching the Packer game?

TRY DRINKING HEAVILY

Nick of Patriot Paradox (who I will be crushing like a bug (no offense, VW) in the Weblog Awards in the "Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs" category. If it's been more than 24 hours since the last time you voted for me, please vote for me again. And don't forget to use your spouse's computer, too. And that one at work isn't doing anything. And how about your co-workers? I'll be they don't have a voting cookie on THEIR machines) has a question:

How does one "learn" time management, and teach oneself to study?

Ok, so maybe the title of this post isn't the best answer. It's actually Matty O'Blackfive's all-purpose advice. Works better for paratrooping-related activities, I guess.

Anyway, my serious advice is as follows. I've read this in several self-help books. It was supposed to have been something that one of the old robber barons (either Andrew Carnegie or Henry Ford, depending on who tells the story) paid a consultant $25,000 for:

1) Make a list of the 6 most important things you have to do today.
2) Prioritize the list
3) Start with #1 and work your way down the list. If you don't finish all 6, don't worry about it. If you can't finish them this way, you couldn't have finished them any other way.

Simple, yet effective.

Other thoughts on studying based on my personal experiences: I found that the most important thing was being familiar with the notes I took in class, since all the test answers were in there somewhere. Since I was delivering pizza at the time, I put all those "behind the wheel" hours to good use. I read my notes into a tape recorder, verbatim, then played the tape over and over while I delivered pizzas.

If you don't have a lot of drive time, this still might help. Just play your note-tape in the background while you blog (or whatever else you're doing). You still get SOME exposure, even if it's not as good as concentrated studying.

And a couple of little get-going tricks:

First, I understand the urge to procrastinate. But if you're going to do it, at least do it in a way that will allow you the best shot at NOT procrastinating. For example, if you have to read a chapter for a boring class, open your book, put it in your lap, then ignore it and start blogging. If you decide to stop screwing around, at least you'll be able to jump right in to what you're supposed to be doing.

Second - Reverse procrastinate. Tell yourself that you'll get around to the fun thing really soon, but just not quite yet. Get a kitchen timer. Set it for 5 minutes. Promise yourself that you'll set the stupid, boring book down and do that fun thing if you'll just read your chapter for 5 tiny minutes first. Five minutes is usually enough to get yourself warmed to the task of what you're supposed to be doing. But if you're still not in the mood after 5 minutes, DO NOT HESITATE to close your book and go enjoy yourself. You kept your promise, and that's enough.

That's about all I've got. I'm thinking blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival probably has a few tricks up her own sleeve. Barring winter driving conditions, she usually manages to get a lot of stuff done.

PLEASE PUT THE SILENT BACK IN SILENT NIGHT

Blogdaughter Tammi of Road Warrior Survival is in agreement with Alan of You Can Call Me Al that militant atheists & other wet blankets should just shut up and let the people who WANT to celebrate Christmas have their good time and not be so damn Grinchy about the whole thing:

Christmas is not a government mandated celebration. No one makes you take those days off and get presents from people. If you don't wish to participate, fine.

While I agree with the sentiment, I still have to register the following complaint.

People who love Christmas obviously don't work in jobs that pipe Christmas music into the workplace 8 hours a day.

How do I know this?

Because I have to hear 5 different versions of White Christmas EVERY SINGLE DAY, sometimes within an hour of each other, and I'm THIS FREAKIN' CLOSE to grabbing one of John of Argghhh!'s toys and using it as a screwdriver.

By which I mean using it to remove those speakers installed in the ceiling.

Look, I know it's for the benefit of the customers, and it's probably really nice for them. They walk in, hear one cute song, and they can go back to their happy little lives.

Me, I'm stuck in the bank listening to some lisping little snot whine about his two front teeth.

Hey kid, why don't I just knock the rest of 'em out for you and you won't have to worry about dental issues any more?

Ok, fine, I'm a little tense. You can go ahead and put up your lights and I really don't even care if you put a huge nativity scene in front of the county courthouse.

All I ask is that you gag the singing Santa.

LIFE IS GOOD

BeeBee of Angle of Vision shows the kind of gratitude I love to see people share:

Sometimes I’m simply overwhelmed that I have so much. People who care about me and who I care about, a nice safe home that is kind and respectful to everyone who is in it, enough money for my needs, food on the table, and clothes in my closet that I’m not ashamed to wear.

The really crazy part, that completely astounds me, is those are just the basics of my life.

Every single day I have more; more love, more affection, more anything I want.

I'm familiar with the feeling. I often feel like my life is filled to overflowing with blessings.

I credit this in part to the fact that I spent 4 years living on a ship and being forced to cram all my worldly possessions into 8 cubic feet or so of storage space. The good thing about that experience is that it forced me to consider the true value of every item I owned. "Comfort shopping" was an alien concept. Any item I acquired had to bring me more pleasure than the thing I had to throw away to make room for it.

It taught me a lot about how to let go of material possessions. The key is that, quite often, it's not the THING that's valuable, it's the memories associated with it. I learned to make do with small touchstones and icons. A letter, a picture, a keychain, a book, a CD - and these still kept as warm as the larger things I had to forgo.

I have a house of my own now, with comparative acres of storage space, but I'm still pretty good at throwing things away.

Drives Beloved Wife crazy sometimes.

Yet I still keep enough little things - important things - to remind me of just how good I have it.

VERY good, indeed.

BUT HE *DOES*

Lynn of Reflections in D Minor doesn't think it's appropriate to say that "Beethoven rocks".

I guess I really shouldn't say "Ludwig is the shizznit," then.

But I think that - in the comments to that post - JohnL of TexasBestGrok is exactly right about Beethoven "rocking" in the metalhead sense of the word.

Beethoven's music, like hard rock, frequently evokes a stong sense of power. Beethoven contains it, guides it, channels it and makes it do awe-striking things. Not the naked, chaotic power of a nuclear explosion, but rather the controlled force that makes a 90,000 ton nuclear-powered aircraft carrier speed effortlessly across the ocean.

Although he does so more elegantly than AC/DC, I declare that Beethoven DOES rock, in the finest sense of the word.

NOT FORGOTTEN THIS TIME

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth and, indeed, ALL Viet Nam veterans, were invaluable in keeping Kerry out of the White House. Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice e-mailed me this poem, and I thought it was perfect (although I think the use of the term "whore" does a disservice to honest prostitutes everywhere ;-)

I'm dedicating this to blogless Viet Nam vet Peter who went above and beyond with his service this year in getting his story out.

The Last Battle of Vietnam

It never occurred to me, ever before,
That our Navy would win the Vietnam War.
When they took to their boats in this year of elections,
With the mission of making some major corrections
I shared their belief, John should not be elected,
And their view overdue, truth should be resurrected.
Yet I questioned the course they'd set themselves for,
Knowing how John was loved by the media whore.

Ignored and dismissed by the media queens
Being shrewd, savvy sailors they still found the means
To reach out to the people, to open their eyes
To a phony John Kerry and his war story lies.
With their very first ad, they torpedoed his boat,
A Cambodian Christmas would no longer float.
His heroics unraveled, his stories fell flat,
Especially that one 'bout his magical hat.

John called on his lawyers and media whores,
And threatened the Swiftees with vile legal wars.
But these warriors kept charging back into the fire,
And made the folks wonder, "Is Kerry a Liar?"
Till the question of whether he's telling the truth
Was still in their minds in the election day booth.
So the brave Swiftees gave us what we'd not had before,
They gave us our victory in the Vietnam War.

Those brave, stalwart sailors, falsely labeled as liars,
Stood firm and stood tall, kept directing their fires,
Steadfast, unrelenting, they served once again,
And defeated John Kerry, these honorable men.
All Vets can take pride, yes all, not just some,
That we won the last battle of Vietnam.
It took far too long to bring an end to our war
But we did, November Second, Two Thousand Four.

To our Brothers, forever, on that long black Wall,
You've been vindicated now, one and all.

Russ Vaughn
2d Bn, 327th Parachute Infantry Regiment
101st Airborne Division
Vietnam 65-66

Russ Vaughn is the Poet Laureate of The American Thinker

BECAUSE THEY'RE BETTER - UPDATED 5-24-05

Pam of Pamibe has a complaint about Blogger's native comment system:

No, I don’t blog there anymore; I’m tired of waiting. In this age of DSL instant on, it’s killing me. I just waited a full 3 minutes to leave a comment at Boudicca’s place, and it’s STILL trying to load, as I type this.

Amen, sister.

I've noticed it, too. The delay on Blogger comments just keeps getting longer and longer. It's time to do something about it.

That something would be Haloscan.

"But html code is evil and scary and it frightens me!" I hear you say.

I understand completely.

However, Haloscan now has an auto-install feature (after you sign up & sign in, it's under the "instructions/code" section). All you have to do is click a few buttons, and everything is done for you. I gave it a run on a test blog and it worked fine on the first try. Other people in the support forum said they had to do it 2 or 3 times but it DID take.

Two caveats.

First, as with any global blog change, save a copy of your original template to your favorite text editor in case something goes wrong or you change your mind. During the autoinstall process, they also offer you the choice to save your template. I recommend it. To find it afterwards, just go through the auto-install process again.

Second, it's not currently possible to import old Blogger comments into Haloscan, so the old Blogger comments will disappear. They'll still exist within your old template, so you can bring them back.

On the other hand, how often do you go back through your old comments, anyway?

One possible workaround is to start a new Blogger site, call it "My Old Blogger Comments" or something, and put your old template into it, complete with the old comments. That way you can look back if you need to.

In the end, it's your call. But if you want more comments on your site, it helps to have a faster and more user-friendly comment service.

UPDATE 5-24-05: [If you've found this post useful enough to blog about, send a trackback or e-mail the permalink to me at harvolson-at-gmail.com and I'll add you to my Bad Example Groupies blogroll. See this post for details]

CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #10

Dear Dr. Dee,

I have a closet full of clothes, but feel like I have nothing to wear. I go shopping and buy cute stuff, but end up wearing it only once or twice. How can I shop more efficiently?

Signed,

Clothes Horse

Dear Clothes Horse,

You need to clear out your closet, get organized, and follow a few simple rules.

1. If you haven't worn an item in 3 years, give it away.

2. Organize your closet so that all the jackets hang together in one section; all the skirts in another, and all the tops in a third section, all the dresses in another section, etc.

3. If you buy a new item, it must coordinate with at least three other items. For example, a top must go with a skirt, pants, and cardigan.

4. Don't take price tags off until you've actually about to wear the item. Keep the receipt attached to the item or in its pocket if it has one.

5. If you've bought a new item and haven't worn it in 2 weeks, take it back.

If you follow these rules, you'll have a closet full of clothes that you'll want to wear.

Your other option, of course, is to just wear all those cute outfits, have your picture taken in them, and post it on your blog so that you can enter the Carnival of the Pajamas, which is what I suspect happened to the following people:

Owen of Boots & Sabers has a picture of the perfect blogging outfit, even though (thankfully) it's not him wearing it (or so he claims) - a glow-in-the-dark, battery-operated thong (picture moderately NSFW). Looks to me like someone's been giving her Mach3Turbo a good workout. Wish *I* could get a shave that close...

Another entrant in the cross-dressing section, Physics Geek appears to favor this saucy little number, modeled by Julia Roberts. I think someone needs to turn the air conditioning down a bit.

Having a Victor/Victoria moment of her own, VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks claims to want to wear this manly item. Probably referring more to the contents than the covering, I'd wager.

Goldie of Drama Queen likes to show a little Christmas spirit when she blogs, as evidenced by this eye-popper of a blogskin. Ah, the advantages of having Christmas in summer.

Ok, you're in North Carolina, it's hot, and the air conditioner just broke down. Yet you still have scads of blogging to do. What DO you wear? I don't know either, but I'll bet whatever it is contains more material than this scanty item pointed out by Tiffany of Blown Fuse.

Teresa of Technicalities - living a little further north than Tiffany - thinks the most important thing is staying warm. After getting a peek at this robe, I have to agree that it DOES *ahem* seem a little warm in here.

Not so much WHAT to wear as WHERE to wear it. Bill of INDC Journal takes a poke at the "in a bathroom with a modem" meme. Flush twice, it's a long way to CBS.

I (Harvey of Bad Example) tend to agree with Teresa on the importance of maintaining a certain base level of average random kinetic energy in one's body, especially around the extremities:

(click to enlarge)

Yeah, they're Beloved Wife's slippers. I just didn't want Owen, PG, & Bug to feel awkward about displaying their... repressed inclinations.

IMPORTANT ANNOUNCEMENT:

Kind of a good news/bad news thing. I'm closing down the Carnival of the Pajamas. Partly it's because the "pajama" meme has become less hip & trendy with the defeat of the Blue Falcon on November 2nd. The other part is that I'll be judging in the ressurrected King of the Blogs Tournament - which should start up shortly after Nick completes his finals - and I'll need my Saturdays free to work on that.

Also, participation is down a bit due to the upcoming Kwanzaa holiday, and I don't want people to have to face the guilt of choosing between posting sexy pictures and shopping for their loved ones.

The GOOD news is that there WILL be a COTP #10 next Saturday. One last hurrah to give the project a fond farewell. If you've ever thought about posting a picture of yourself that you'll probably regret later, this gives you the perfect excuse.

I'm thinking something like this would be fine:

(already full size, don't bother clicking)

For the final Carnival of the Pajamas, the same rules apply:

Post a picture of yourself (or a professional model whose picture you copied off some web page - like I'd know the difference anyway) in your favorite blogging attire. Leave a permalink in the comments to this post, send a trackback, or e-mail the link directly to me at harvolson-at-charter.net.

Entries due by 12pm CDT, Saturday, December 11th, and I'll post the round-up Saturday afternoonish.

And if I missed your entry, give a holler in the comments or to harvolson-at-charter.net

NO, SERIOUSLY, I JUST *HAVE* TO DO BETTER THAN LAST YEAR

I'm in the running for Wizbang's 2004 Weblog Awards under the category of "Best of the Top 100 - 250 Blogs"

For the love of God, PLEASE don't let me come in last.

Go here and vote for me. Limit of once per 24 hour period per computer.

By the way, Nick of Patriot Paradox, shall we put a little side action on the outcome?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I had wings...
I would walk with you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

:)

As a follow-up to the popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the "Smiley", the first in the new series of "Emoticon Dollars". Coming soon:

"Steaming Mad" ~:-(

and

"Propeller Beanie" %(|:-)

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Friday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Alliance Anthem

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What are the pros and/or cons of having Evil Glenn replace Dan Rather as the anchor of the CBS Evening News?

THE ALLIANCE ANTHEM

(A FILTHY LIE)

The blog world once was peaceful, every blogger would play fair
With hits and links for everyone, so nicely would they share
Then Instapundit came along and climbed atop the charts
His status long unchallenged, his dark evil ruled these parts.

Until Frank J. rose up in rage and said "I'll stop him cold!"
"About Glenn Reynolds filthy lies will forever more be told!"
"He blends small puppies into shakes and drinks them by the hour!"
"He murders hobos at black mass and worships Satan's power!"

"He praises filthy commies then he does the robot dance!"
"He punched me in the head one time, I never stood a chance!"
And so Frank J the Alliance formed to spread these filthy lies,
In hopes that Instapundit would have to listen to our cries.

The days passed by, but even though Glenn tightened up his grip.
More lies were told and more free blogs would through his fingers slip.
"Evil Glenn's a vampire!", "He wears sandals with his socks!"
"He likes to watch nude penguins as they run around in flocks!"

With every passing week a new assignment would come out.
On yet another topic for more lies to be about.
His favorite song, his part-time job, his Evil Christmas, too
And just what he was doing down in Memphis at the zoo.

And still today our fight goes on, resisting Reynolds' reach
We hope to land the blogosphere some day on freedom's beach
So join the Alliance of Free Blogs, it really is the best.
And sing with us our freedom cry - INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS: LAST CALL

Post a picture of yourself (or a professional model whose picture you copied off some web page - like I'd know the difference anyway) in your favorite blogging attire. Leave a permalink in the comments to this post, send a trackback, or e-mail the link directly to me at harvolson@charter.net.

Entries due by 12pm CST, Saturday, December 4th, and I'll post the round-up Saturday afternoonish.

See the CotP category for previous round-ups.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

From blogson Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores:

Don't believe that whole "give peace a chance" line of bullshit. Don't believe the fantasyland hippie burnouts that spout it. Don't believe that crap about how Iraq and the GWOT are not the same fight. And don't you DARE believe that if we ditty-bop on out of Iraq now that everything is going to be puppy dogs and ice cream. I don't give a rat's ass about what Bush should have done, what was wrong, what was right, or how much you hate America, you snivelling little worms. Welcome to the PRESENT. We don't have a time machine, and until we do, you're not changing anything by looking back. Step into the NOW. We have an obligation to finish the job, and that entails killing a whole lot of people who look forward to their own deaths. How convenient.

Just makes me all giddy inside when he talks like that.

Do be sure to hit the link to see why he's particularly pissed today.

But don't have anything breakable in your hand when you do it. Whatever's there will probably be crushed with rage.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When she shall die,
Take her and cut her into little stars,
And she will make the face of heaven so fine,
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

REALLY, IT'S NOT THEIR FAULT

Lynn of Reflections in D Minor expresses a common irritation toward the retail help-staff folk:

You can't go into any place and order food without being offered several more items which you do not want.

But she tries to be sympathetic:

In most cases though, the poor sap behind the counter is not to blame.[...] They are required to try to sell you something else and if a manager observes an employee waiting on a customer and not trying to talk them into adding something to the order he could be reprimanded

This is mostly true. However, there is a flip side to this: having worked the pizza game for several years, I've found a good share of people who are GLAD you suggested something. Ordering a pizza is not an everyday occurrence for most callers, and outside of their topping choices, they might not be aware of their environments. Is there pop in the fridge? OOPS! Good thing the pizza guy said something, or I'd have had to drink water!

Breadsticks? Ya know, now that you mention it, those sound pretty damn tasty. I'd LOVE some!

You get the picture.

But there's also another reason - besides manager-enforced revenue mongering - for doing the "suggestive sell": customers are forgetful, and there's nothing more annoying to an order-taker than to finish ringing up the total and then have a customer say, "oh, yeah, I also need...". This isn't a BAD thing, it's just that once you hit the last button when ringing up the order, there's complicated hoops to be jumped through in order to go back & modify it. It's just the way cash registers & order terminals are designed.

The other option - ringing up the order separately - requires more work than just having another item on the list. It also creates more opportunity for the order to be screwed up, since the order-taker and the entire cooking staff all have to remember that these two things are for the same person.

And you know how happy you are when you only get half your order.

Although I was never much of a salesman, pre-empting this sort of inattentive customer behavior was a big incentive for me to practice suggestive sell, even if it was only in the form of asking "anything else?" at the end of the order.

So if you're tired of hearing "fries with that?", then blame stupid people who don't know what they want for the fact that you get peppered with stupid questions when you shop.

Oh, and is there anything else I should write about in this post?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Kisses kept are wasted,
Love is meant to be tasted.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[LXIII]

Add another "VI" and this would be my favorite dollar.

AT LEAST I DIDN'T SAY "BEER"

Nick of Patriot Paradox wants to know what you had for breakfast.

I had lasagna.

This does NOT make me weird.

Nor does it make me Garfield, although I HAVE been known to have chubby orange cats as companions.

I once ate normal, eggy, pancakey, cereal-type breakfast foods like everyone else, but that was before I went to law school.

While living in Madison, the only place I could afford was a tiny efficiency apartment. It was, in fact, SO efficient that it didn't even have a stove.

Which didn't bother me, since that's why God created microwave ovens.

They say that when the only tool you have is a hammer, everything looks like a nail. Well, when the only cooking apparatus you have is a microwave, every meal looks like a TV dinner.

Fortunately, frozen entree technology has advanced considerably from the days of greasy drumsticks and chalky mashed potatoes gracelessly thrown together in an aluminum tray. Thanks to the miracle of Budget Gourmet and similar cardboard-encased microwavable delicacies, I was able to survive those lean years conveniently, if not comfortably.

The side effect of this, though, was that I completely disassociated myself from normal breakfast fare in favor of various easily prepared - and surprisingly cheap - meat/vegetable/pasta/sauce combinations. A habit I've continued to this day.

So, come the dawn, I now root around in the fridge and warm up last night's cold unfinisheds.

Which today was lasagna.

Told you I wasn't weird.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: Write an anthem for the Alliance of Free Blogs is due by 8pm CDT Friday, December 3rd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Legacy Media Distortions

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What will Dan Rather's new job be after he leaves CBS?

COMPLETELY UNBIASED LEGACY MEDIA STORIES

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the presidential elections over, you'd think the mainstream media would finally shut up.

Or at LEAST have gotten a front-end alignment to nudge over that nasty leftward pull.

But you'd be wrong.

Here are my predictions for what the old media will be spouting off about as 2004 winds down:

A girl in Alaska arranged to have her mother murdered, and then blogged about it on her LiveJournal site. Expect the Legacy Media to demand "blog control" legislation and call for the banning of "assault blogs", i.e. any web site that has more than 10 entries on the front page, can be converted to fully automatic posting, or which can be fitted with a pistol grip.

Angsty college students, pony-tailed hippies, and bored trust-fund babies celebrated "Buy Nothing Day" on November 27th to protest "consumerism". Millions of people rushed out to not buy the New York Times or Washington Post, which, oddly, didn't make these newspapers happy.

After it was revealed that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's son was siphoning off Oil-for-Food program money faster than Michael Moore sucks the creme filling out of Twinkies, the Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing such an obvious scandal. President Bush responded by invading the UN and stealing its oil.

Pakistan recently banned the November 22nd issue of Newsweek magazine for showing "bias against Islam". The Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing this blatant attempt at censorship. President Bush responded by invading Pakistan, stealing its oil, and forcing Pakistanis to read the offending issue of Newsweek while stacked in naked pyramids and being pointed at by Lyndie England.

A paralyzed woman was able to walk after receiving stem cell therapy. Despite the fact that this didn't even happen in America, the Legacy Media was quick to accuse Bush of declaring a genocidal war on the world's disabled population. The New York Times editorialized: "Today, there is one less person in a wheelchair, thus reducing the size of the global handicapped differently-abled community. Only someone as evil as President Bush would be pleased by the threat of slow destruction that's currently being posed to the world's wheelchair-enhanced peoples."

Legacy Media resoundingly backs Howard Dean for the new chairman of the DNC. Republicans try not to giggle while pretending to look scared.

Matthew Shepard's murderers reveal new information about what happened that night. According to brutal murderer Russell Henderson, George W. Bush was the wheelman that fateful evening. Poorly photoshopped pictures recently faxed to CBS appear to corroborate the story.

Iraqi elections planned for January 30th may be postponed as Ralph Nader sues for ballot access. Nader was widely quoted as saying "it's not like I'll do any WORSE over there. Besides, at least I don't have to worry about Bush stealing THAT election, too." President Bush responded by invading Nader's campaign headquarters and stealing its oil.

Which turned out to be mostly patchouli-based.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

REMINDER: CARNIVAL OF THE PAJAMAS #9

Post a picture of yourself (or a professional model whose picture you copied off some web page - like I'd know the difference anyway) in your favorite blogging attire. Leave a permalink in the comments to this post, send a trackback, or e-mail the link directly to me at harvolson@charter.net.

Entries due by 12pm CST, Saturday, December 4th, and I'll post the round-up Saturday afternoonish.

See the CotP category for previous round-ups.