NO MISCHIEF ALLOWED!

Going out of town for a couple days. Internet access not expected. Probably start posting again Tuesday.

In order to enforce my usual strict decency code in the comments, I'll be using my stealthy watch-cat Amber to guard the premises.

Remember, Amber could be anywhere.

And she's watching...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your breasts remind me of Mount Rushmore... my face should be among them.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HMMM... NEEDS MORE NAZI...

(A Filthy Lie of sorts cross-posted from IMAO)

Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:

and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:

dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.

Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.

In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):

Whaddya think?

THE QUOTABLE SADDAM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript:

Jaafar Moussawi (chief prosecuting attorney): I think I'm entitled to them.

Saddam: You want answers?

Moussawi: I want the truth!

Saddam: "You can't handle the truth!...Son, we live in a world that has Kurds, and those Kurds have to be killed by men with mustard gas. Who's gonna do it?... You?... Some Jew named Weinberg?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the Kurds and you curse the Baath Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that gassing those Kurds to death, while tragic, probably put me in the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps President Bush OUT of the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to gas Kurds... you need me to gas Kurds.

I use words like mass murder, slaughter, genocide. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing people. You use them as a criminal charge.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who will make a fortune selling the movie rights to the story of this trial and then questions the manner in which I killed the Kurds that made this trial possible! I would rather you just said "Allah Akbar!" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some mustard gas and kill some Kurds. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: (quietly) I did what I needed to do to get ahead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

True is the word of your eyes
Beauty is the beating of your heart
Love is the smile on your face
Desire is the touch of your hand

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: Why does the Alliance logo resemble a Nazi symbol?

Is due by 11pm EDT Friday, October 28th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Saddam Quotes

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: How should the UN's 60th birthday be celebrated?

Friday Linky Stuff

DRINKING GAME NO ONE WILL SURVIVE

Watch "The Amazing Race"

Anytime someone says the word "go", take a drink.

If that's not enough, then also drink if someone says "hurry".

KICK HIM WHILE HE'S DOWN

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks is having the kind of bad day that makes you go "Shit... maybe my leprosy isn't all THAT bad", thus causing him to whine & moan in a most unmanly fashion.

And you know what THAT means...

HE NEEDS MORE ENEMIES!

Go antagonize him.

And if he hasn't enabled comments on first post I linked, just leave 'em at this whiny entry. He'll get 'em.

EARN MONEY AT HOME!

Blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! has a stuck-at-home-mom question:

The point of this is that I need something to do until Shorty goes to school full time, and I am willing to do just about anything to pass the time and make a buck. Things I am good at are:

Cooking and baking
Quilting
Braided rag rugs
err...collecting aluminum cans
Finding and reselling antiques

Are there any ideas that anyone else has of things that I could do with my son tagging along, or stuff I could make at home that would sell well? It is kind of hard to find something that has almost no overhead, that will pay anything at all.

Outside of eBay, I'm a little light on ideas. The only reason eBay worked for me is that my product was extremely lightweight (VERY cheap shipping), and I always got it at cost (I sold currency to collectors - one of the perqs of being a bank teller).

Normally I'd suggest hitting Google, but "work at home" as a search term brings up results that are 98% shady schemes.

So, I'll let you guys pipe up.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your voice makes me tremble inside
And your smile is an invitation
For my imagination to go wild

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[GAY MONEY]

That's money I set aside specifically for renting Tom Cruise movies.

SCOTT ADAMS: THOUGHTS ON BLOGGING

Scott Adams, author of the Dilbert Comic strip, has been publishing a semi-occasional e-mail newsletter for several years, and I've been a loyal reader of its rare appearances. Here's a lovely quote from the latest edition:

People who are trying to decide whether to create a blog or not go through a thought process much like this:

1. The world sure needs more of ME.
2. Maybe I’ll shout more often so that people nearby can experience the joy of knowing my thoughts.
3. No, wait, shouting looks too crazy.
4. I know – I’ll write down my daily thoughts and badger people to read them.
5. If only there was a description for this process that doesn’t involve the words egomaniac or unnecessary.
6. What? It’s called a blog? I’m there!

The blogger’s philosophy goes something like this:

Everything that I think about is more fascinating than the crap in your head.

Which pretty much nails it.

And yes, he has a blog now.

Oddly, comments are enabled.

Sadly, trackbacks are not.

Regardless, this still puts him way ahead of commentless pseudo-bloggers like Glenn Reynolds, James Lileks, and Michele Malkin.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love comes quietly…
But you know when it is there
Because suddenly…
You are not alone anymore…
And there is no sadness in you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

PARTY LIKE IT'S 1799

I do believe Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks turns 2 today, and I can't decide what to get him...

Something decorative?

or something practical?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Each night when the day is through,
I don't ask much, I just want you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Did you know... This dollar as well as all others now days is not backed up by any silver or gold! This dollar exists because people believe in its validity. Do I see another depression in the future!?! Beware American $$$, invest in European $ or gold & silver]

Eh. I'm just going to invest in Nigerians.

YEAH, A REAL F***ING QUAGMIRE

Now I'm sure you've already seen these numbers in the mainstream media, so you probably don't need to read them here.

But on the off change that news coverage in your area was... skimpy... I'll post these figures (courtesy of CentCom)

Registered voters:
Jan 30th - 14.3 million voters registered
Oct 15th - 15.6 million voters registered

Numbers of polling centers:
Jan 30th - 5,677 polling centers
Oct 15th - 5,852 polling centers, with most of the new centers going to Sunni regions.

Al Anbar polling centers:
Jan 30th - 33
Oct 15th - 171 (indications are that more than 200,000 additional people voted in Anbar)

Ninewah polling centers:
Jan 30th - 88
Oct 15th - 230 (nearly 400,000 more voted this time)

Poll worker applications:
Jan 30th - 110,000
Oct 15th - 450,000

Total poll workers:
Jan 30th - 108,000
Oct 15th - 171,000

* Early projections are that more than 60 percent voted (of registered)

Voting Rights Changes Since January:

* Iraqi Security Forces guarding polling stations outside their provinces were allowed to vote.

* U.S. held detainees that had not been convicted of a crime were allowed to vote.

ELECTION SECURITY

Total attacks in Iraq:
Jan 30th - 299 attacks
Oct 15th - 89 attacks

Total polling place attacks:
Jan 30th - 108 attacks
Oct 15th - 19 Attacks

Total number of Civilians killed:
Jan 30th - 30 Deaths (34 overall)
Oct 15th - 3 Deaths (10 overall)

Total number of suicide bombers:
Jan 30th - 7
Oct 15th - 0

Security Forces:
Jan 30th - 79,116 Ministry of Interior Forces
Oct 15th - 106,112 Ministry of Interior Forces

Jan 30th - 56, 949 Ministry of Defense Forces
Oct 15th - 93, 959 Ministry of Defense Forces

Logistics:
Jan 30th - MNF-I moved most of the materials
Oct 15th - Iraqi contractors conducted most of the movement and logistics

* Voting supplies were moved into warehouses three days earlier than in January with no shortages of supplies reported (per IECI press conference)

SO... WHAT'S IT LIKE TO CLEAN UP AFTER A HURRICANE?

Blogson GA Mongrel knows. He went to Pascagoula, MS to clean out Katrina's litter box and has posted a full report.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Alien

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Why does the Alliance logo resemble a Nazi symbol?

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder: What will be the most memorable quotes to emerge from the trial of Saddam Hussein?

Is due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, October 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

To love a person is to learn the song
That is in their heart,
And to sing it to them
When they have forgotten.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[I GREW HEMP]

Helzberg Entrepreneurial Mentoring Program, that is.

FUN FACTS ABOUT KANSAS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#16 - Oct 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.

Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.

At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".

The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"

The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".

Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.

The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.

Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.

The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".

There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.

Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.

WWII WASN'T ALL HAM & PLAQUES, YOU KNOW

Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple gives a general curse to the Hollywood left and the MSM.

I'm old enough to remember when Hollywood was on our side and most of the movie stars were also. If the current Hollywood buttheads were around in WWII, they would have been on Hitler's side. The Lamestream Media would have been also.

He's righter than he knows.

After browsing through some of Dr. Seuss's old War Cartoons, I found this one:

(click to enlarge)

and checked out those names - McCormick & Patterson.

Here's a Wikipedia snippet:

Along with her brother at the New York Daily News and her cousin at the Chicago Tribune, Patterson was an ardent isolationist and opponent of the administration of Franklin D. Roosevelt. In 1942, after the Battle of Midway, the Times-Herald ran a Tribune story that revealed American intelligence was reading the Japanese naval code. Roosevelt, furious, had the Tribune and the Times-Herald indicted for espionage but backed down because of the publicity, charges he was persecuting his enemies, and the likelihood of an acquittal (since the Navy's own censors had twice cleared the story before it was published). During World War II, she and her brother were accused by their enemies of being Nazi sympathizers. Representative Elmer Holland of Pennsylvania on the floor of the United States House of Representatives said Cissy and Joseph Patterson "would welcome the victory of Hitler."

So, there's nothing new these days.

Just more of it.

MAN, I THINK I JUST WRECKED *THAT* PLAN

The Commissar of The Politburo Diktat is attempting to make a blogospheric Family Tree.

Bloggers, please leave a comment noting:

1. your blogfather, or blogmother, as the case may be. Just one please - the one blog that, more than any other, inspired you to start blogging - even if he/she was a general influence. Please don’t name Instapundit, unless you are on his blogchildren list.
2. Include your blog-birth-month, the month that you started blogging, if you can.
3. If you are reasonably certain that you have spawned any blog-children, mention them, too.

Which would've been quite simple, I'm sure, until Teresa of Technicalities (who gets a link because she's daddy's favorite) named me as her blogfather.

Now that I'm on the Commissar's radar, he's got to try to sort out my assorted incestuous spawnings, adoptions, and man-on-man blog-love-children.

What a mess.

Anyway, if you're one of my multi-parented offspring, you might make it easier on him if you stop by his place and name your favorite blog-parent. Go ahead & be honest. I know I wasn't ALWAYS the one pushing hardest to get you started. My feelings won't be hurt.

Of course, I may cut your allowance and force you to get a job, but that would be completely unrelated.

_JON OF WE SWEAR IS AN ASSHOLE

Because he proved that that retarded "7 things" meme can actually be done in an interesting fashion.

F*cking show-off.

RIC ROMERO'S BLOG - THE SCREENSHOT

Kevin of Wizbang points out that a reporter from KABC-TV in Los Angeles discovered blogs in August of 2005 and did a story about it in the gushing tones of a boy receiving his first female handjob.

Which I don't hold against him. After all, I had a similarly moist reaction when I got MY first blog.

And sure he's late to the party, but even "old-timers" like me are wet behind the ears compared to the mega-neander-old-school bloggers who've been doing it since the 20th century.

Yet people are making fun of him. He's got his own cruel-but-accurate thread on FARK.

Which is freakin' hilarious and worth a peek.

Three things from that thread. First, the only defense of Ric's actions:

Network news anymore plays to an older demographic, so it makes sense that phenomena that have finally become mainstream enough that said older folks would have heard of it, like blogging, get reported on at what is, to us, a rediculously late point.

Second, an interesting question: WHY is this news?:

It's of course great that you can post your thoughts and opinions on the internet for all to read, but what I don't get is why its such a big deal to the news media?

Could it be they are shocked that people actually have opinions? Could it be they are surprised that ANYONE can put their opinion on a device that anyone in the world can read at anytime? Which, prior to the internet, was something only they could do.

Third, the most accurate description of why his news story sucked:

Anyone else think this read like a Jr. High history report where you know the teacher already knows what you are supposed to say, so you are just trying to hit all the money phrases?

But what FARK doesn't have is a screenshot of Ric's really crappy blog, which has been taken down. Sadly, Google cache doesn't offer working links to the picture he posted or the comments, but at least you can get an idea of how sad this thing is.

(click to enlarge)

I mean, I always say that your first post is supposed to suck, but your next post is supposed to be an improvement.

Sorry, Ric. You failed.

Oh, and pink... NOT your color.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of being and ideal grace.
I love thee to the level of every day’s
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from praise.
I love thee with the passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood’s faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints- I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! - and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOU!

Blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! is asking for birthday presents to help him celebrate turning 32 on the 23rd.

I think this is probably appropriate:

MODIFIED FOR YOUR PROTECTION

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom is playing with this meme

It's simple... all you do is Google "(your name) needs", and see what you come up with.

I'm going to change it up a little, to "Harvey says", and - unlike That 1 Guy's discoveries - I think my words are self-explanatory.

...his porn industry connection has never seriously hampered his charity work

...the key is selling contraceptives, rather than giving them away

..."I felt down in the dumps. I felt like she was rejecting me

..."I could go to work in my pajamas,

...he pushed for a trial because he was sure that he would clear his name.

...he pulls back and takes more time

...the timing was a coincidence.

...at this size, a few rules are necessary

..."Would I have done some of the things he's done in public? No.

...he experienced a feeling of satisfaction, control and power.

...he needs it more than anyone

..."We can drink later."

...That customer probably never knew what hit her

..."I have one at home, I used it for a toilet paper holder."

...and a surprisingly large number of them were gay.

...experts in the video discuss the disturbing push

..."OK, really quickly.

...he spent 20 years conscientiously helping people get sicker.

...the display includes interactive and hands-on aspects

..."The harder they come, the harder they fall"

..."You're right. I don't have any money, but if I show you something you haven't seen before, will you give me a drink?"

...it is time to take a second look at the diaphragm

...in horny excitement

...his 1700 clients are of different age groups

...investigators think the fire started in the bedroom

...he is looking forward to the new challenges the position will bring

..."This will differentiate this technique from others

...that the liquid-based coating method could be applied to unusual shapes, including tubes.

HOW DESPERATE *CAN* YOU GET?

Bloggreatgranddaughter Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity confesses to how far she'll go for a chocolate fix:

So, being in the chocolate state of mind, I picked the itty bitty chocolate chips out of the sherbet. It couldn't have added up to one bite of a hersheys bar. But, I got my fix.

Damn. That's pretty pathetic.

My question is... COULD it get any worse? What IS the most desperate act imaginable for satisfying a chocolate craving?

My imagination only extends as far as eating baking chocolate and chasing it with a spoonful of sugar.

EVIL GLENN'S ALIEN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"

Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.

It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.

So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.

With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.

The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...

Aren't you glad you didn't click?

On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: Why does Evil Glenn have an alien at his house?

Is due by 11pm EDT Friday, October 21st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Al Qaeda's New Plan

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What will be the most memorable quotes to emerge from the trial of Saddam Hussein?

Friday Linky Stuff

EIGHT LEGS OF DEATH

Dax of the Dax Files says he likes spiders, but hates the webs.

I'll agree to that.

Anything that kills bugs in my house is fine by me.

Back in my Navy days, I lived off-base (the Enterprise was in the yards for refueling, and officially uninhabitable) in a decent-looking, but roach infested apartment. One day I caught a jumping spider, stuck it in an old mayonnaise jar, and used it as my personal Roman Colisseum of exoskelatal carnage.

Scampering roach + pouncing spider = happy Harv

Besides, it was cheaper than renting a movie.

So, I *do* like spiders.

Except when they start getting a little TOO ambitious.

Like this unidentified arachnid

who built a web across the back doorway of my garage:
(click to enlarge)

I guess I'm tastier-looking than I thought.

Well, I had to knock that one down, but the plucky little bastard was smart enough to find an even BETTER location - right underneath the 300 Watt halogen light that's right next to the back door of the garage.

First night I saw him there, I rewarded his determination by turning on the light. Within 5 minutes, a small moth clumsily fluttered into the web, not one inch from where Mr. Spider was sitting.

Yeah, that was over with pretty quick.

I hope he develops a taste for Asian Beetles next. If he does, I may let blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! borrow him for a while.

ARE YOU GROWING A BEARD, OR DID YOU JUST STOP SHAVING?

Jim of Parkway Rest Stop is musing about the how & why of beard-growing.

As a Facial-Hair-Enhanced-American, I can relate.

I've had my crumb-catcher since about 30-seconds after I was discharged from the Navy, so some people might suspect that I grew it simply because I could.

Mostly true.

However, the other part of my justification is that I have a long, thin face. Combined with a hairline that's been abnormally high since I was a kid (and is slowly but surely receding), there was simply too much skin showing. I desperately needed to bring some balance to my visage.

Now, as to Jim's observation on upkeep:

In most cases, one has to regularly trim that sucker, which involves not only a razor, but also scissors and a fair amount of time. To me, that sounds like more of a pain in the ass than a daily three-minute zip, zip zip with a Mach III.

Yeah, not doing a full-face shave WAS part of the attraction. At the rate my whiskers grow, 24 hours does NOT allow enough stubble to grow for my razor to get a good grip on the tiny hairs. Result - a patchy-looking shave and plenty of irritated skin.

Now, I *do* shave my throat and take out any strays along the edges (see Little Joe's quote in the right sidebar), but I only do so every 48 hours, which lets me whack the shadow right down to the follicle every time without irritation. I can live with that. No one accuses me of "not shaving", because - Hey! I have a beard!

As for trimming the beard itself, that's only a little scissoring every couple weeks, and a 15-minute run-through with the electric beard-trimmer about once a month. Timewise, I think I come out ahead.

However, I admit that beards aren't for everyone. If yours is thin & patchy, then you're better off riding the razor-pony. But if you've got the caveman genetics to pull it off, then it's a pretty good deal.

Not to mention the fact that some women find beards VERY attractive. I've had plenty of women who were complete strangers give in to the temptation to touch it.

You naked-faced guys will never know the pleasure.

YOU CALL THAT A PLAN?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'm no Fred Flintstone, but I can make your Bed rock!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Rubber stamp: Cryn' Ryan (6x)]

Apparently Chargers fans don't like to forgive & forget.

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?

Look at the picture posted by Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple.

See any problems?

I noticed:

* No spike collar on the dog.
* Bride's hair too small.
* Groom has neither cigarette nor tattoos.

Obviously a botched photoshop job.

BURNED AND INSULTED

If I remember my Geneva Convention correctly, it's ok to burn terrorist corpses as long as it's part of a weenie and/or marshmallow roast.

Let me Google that and I'll get back to you.

NAME THAT DRINK

Bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom suggests vodka & Midol as the cure for what ails you.

What WOULD you name that drink?

Absolut PMS?
Cramping Potato?
Kotextini?

MEME SE7EN

I've been assaulted by SarahK of Mountaineer Musings, so here are the answers:

7 things I want to do before I die:

1) Get an Instalanche
2) Vote Condi Rice for President
3) Have 7 figures in my retirement fund
4) Watch Season 2 of Firefly
5) Play Duke Nukem Forever (or Doom 10, whichever comes out first)
6) Pay off the mortgage
7) Sleep next to Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite about 22,000 more times.

7 things I can do:

1) Crack my neck
2) Touch type
3) Whistle with my fingers in my mouth (ear-splittingly loud, that)
4) Lift horse-dog Jake
5) Blow smoke rings
6) Kill flies without a flyswatter
7) Be amused by comment trolls instead of insulted

7 things I cannot do:

1) Say anything nice about the Carter presidency
2) Play guitar
3) Play Doom 3 without cheating
4) Sing without making someone wince at least once
5) Say "no" to kids selling stuff
6) Stop making fun of Donald Trump's haircut
7) Stop loving my wife

7 things I say a lot:

1) "Anyway"
2) "How so?"
3) "F***!"
4) "Yes, dear"
5) "Giggidy, giggidy, giggidy!"
6) "Doh!"
7) "Wait... did that sound dirty?... Nevermind"

7 things I find attractive in a female:

1) Brains! Brains! Brains!
2) Ability to quote Monty Python
3) A penchant for wandering around the house nude
4) Long, dark hair
5) Generous hips
6) A large vocabulary
7) Lush, pouty lips

7 celebrity crushes:

1) Claudia Christian
2) Sandra Bullock
3) Halle Berry
4) Raquel Welch (back in the day)
5) Linda Carter (also back in the day)
6) Jewel Staite
7) Pierce Brosnan - you know... only if I ever HAD to be someone's prison bitch...

7 people I feel like bugging:

The following people desperately need something to blog about:

1) Little Joe of Little Joe's Soapbox
2) Sally of Whimsy Capricious
3) Alex of Alex in Wonderland
4) Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores
5) _Jon of We Swear
6) Spear Shaker of Shaking Spears
7) BeeBee of Angle of Vision

LADIES' NIGHT AT CONSERVATHINK

Damian G of Conservathink apparently likes to listen to women gossip.

So much so that he's posting a "women only" carnival:

RULE #1: Only female bloggers may use the comments (except for yours truly). No men, boys, gay men, gun molesters, puppy blenders or hermaphrodites allowed. Liberals are okay so long as they are women (or at least what passes for women in the world of the Left).

RULE #2: Comments must be kept PG-13. Yes, the booze may go to your heads, but that doesn't mean you should go off on a tirade of f-bombs. So in other words, if you simply must swear, do it cleverly, please.

RULE #3: You must submit a post for the event. It is a Carnival. The topic will be any sort of gossip of your choosing, whether heard through the grapevine, or just plain satirical, about a public figure, preferably a political one. All submissions must be sent through the Conservative Cat Carnival Submit Form.

11pm EST Thursday (that's today) deadline.

Hurry up & submit.

Wait... did that sound dirty?

Nevermind.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

To wish is to wish for you
To sleep is to dream of you
To live is to wait for you
To smile is to think of you

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[I owe GWC - and I strayed]

George Washington Carver ran a tightly disciplined cattle ranch. Every cow that wandered away from the heard was required to pay a $1 fine and admit his guilt before being allowed back in the corral.

MUSIC VIDEO FOR THE 21ST CENTURY

I was around when MTV first started, and thought it was an excellent idea, but was shocked at how poorly executed it was.

When I listen to music, it usually evokes some images in my head. I figured that most music videos would be little movies which would show the images that were floating around in the band's head - images that would concretize and illustrate the lyrics of the songs.

Yeah. I was disappointed. Most videos were just shots of the band playing the song, interspersed with snippets of images that had little or nothing to do with the words being sung at the time.

Bleh.

However, I'm pleased to report that I *have* found a video wherein words, music, and images all mesh perfectly in support of each other. A little love story for the new millenium:

She Freakin' Blocked Me.

The images are work-safe, but a few of the lyrics might raise the boss's eyebrow if overheard.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There is an ease between us as we maneuver around each other. Neither needs to speak, both of us working individually, yet together to get a task accomplished.

[Stolen out of context from blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[McVoid]

From "American McHistory: the 45th President", page 10:

In 2012, America elected Ronald McDonald president - partly to wash the bad taste of Hillary Clinton out of their figurative mouths, partly to punish the Republicans for running John McCain AGAIN.

Although no one expected much from his presidency, he surprised everyone with the shrewd wisdom of his policies - the most remarkable of which was the way he brought heretofore unknown levels of prosperity to the country by completely devaluing the dollar and making McDonald's gift certificates the new American currency.

DUDE! WHERE'S MY *?

I just checked the Blogrolling.com forum. Apparently they had some problems while performing an update on their server & a lot of update pings weren't going through, so some people weren't getting their "*", even though they'd posted recently.

Blogrolling is aware of the problem and they're working on it.

A QUICK NOTE ON GOOD COFFEE

Found Steep & Brew Kenya AA in the coffee aisle of my local way-too-big supermarket.

It's as good as I remember.

Just a warning - before you open the bag of beans, wear earplugs, because that aroma just screams "I... AM... COFFEE!!!"

And I mean "screams" in the toe-tingling, soul-satisfying, Roger-Daltrey-"Won't-Get-Fooled-Again" sense of the word.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I spent last night dreaming of your eyes,
But your hair kept getting in the way.
Your lips dropped in to tell me how you’d been,
But when I tried to kiss them,
My pillow told me I’d missed them.
Your voice dropped by and sang a lullaby,
And it was then I knew just what to do.
I’d fall asleep and then,
I’d dream of you again.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Acts 9:5 Acts 9:3]

"Kick against the pricks"?

No wonder churches don't use the King James Version any more.

HERE'S THEIR SIGN

David of Third World County wants to know what sign should be put in front of the ACLU building.

I'm going to be polite about it.

Unión Civil Americana De las Libertades

¡Ahora abra las fronteras!

Español hablado aquí

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your eyes were closed,
Your lips were sweet
And one soft kiss
Meant joy complete.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[I GREW HEMP]

And used it to make Happy Brownies!

[Hat tip to Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance for the link]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder:Devise a "better" strategic plan for Al-Qaeda.

Is due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, October 19th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Why does Evil Glenn have an alien at his house?

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Voices

Friday Linky Stuff

TIME TO BICKER LIKE BLUE-NOSED COFFEE SNOBS

AJ of Random Firing of Neurons just wrote the ultimate coffee-maker's guide, and I'm going to say right off - he's exactly right about the whole thing, top to bottom.

Best coffee I ever had in my life was that Kenya AA that got put through Pizza Pit's filthy 12-cup drip coffee-maker - because we followed the master-brewer's secret.

Less water.

Remove grounds.

Go. Read. Learn. Try it yourself. Report back.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

Stealing this from bloggranddaughter Virtue of Rantings of an Indentured Servant, because it's just that good...

I have missed your company more than the blossom misses the sun when the shadow of the storm cloud passes overhead. Being without you is comparable to being one shoe alone in the lost and found of life. I am hopeful that your return will bring the sun out from behind the clouds. Oh, where are you other shoe?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

I THINK STRAIGHT WHITE ERIC'S GETTING OLD

Last year he mentioned a "birthday week".

This year, his "birthday post" only refers to a single day.

Next year I'm guessing he'll be blogging about his "birth hour".

It's just sad watching him wither like this. Maybe I should get him a book on how to feel young into his golden years...

Better yet, why don't I find someone to locate the book for him?

"Why, I do believe that book's Dewey Decimal Number is 069.69"

Happy Birthday, Eric.

INSTAVOICES

INSTAVOICES
(A Filthy Lie)

Just saw this at Instapundit, and thought I'd share:

Hey, nobody's perfect.

Whether it's "slaughter a hobo for Satan" or "dip yourself in honey and roll around in penguin feathers", I've learned to listen to the still, small voice within.

So, when I heard the words "I want you to attack Iraq", who was I to question?

It wasn't until after I'd reduced half the countryside to a smoking crater...:

Iraq attack as photographed by my good friend Al Feldstein

...that I got a follow-up message on my head-voice-mail. Turned out the "attack Iraq" thing was intended for President Bush. Apparently the Angel in charge of routing God's messages was a little... distracted that week:

Heh. Indeed.

NO, SERIOUSLY

From the official Louisville, Kentucky home page listing of the Top 10 questions people ask Louisville Metro, here are the first five:

1. When is my junk collection?
2. How do I dispose of.......?
3. What can I put out for junk pickup?
4. What can I put out for garbage pickup?
5. What can I recycle and how?

Screenshot here, in case it changes.

SMURF WAR SCANDAL!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Oh, you can bet the MSM is gonna have a field day with this one:

Look, we were just trying to soften him up so that he'd tell us where the Weapons of Smurfy Destruction were hidden. It's a standard interrogation practice. Let's not over-react.

SAY, HOW'S THAT PAKISTAN EARTHQUAKE RELIEF PROJECT GOING?

You know... the one the MSM isn't talking about because it would make the US look good?

CentCom has pictures.

Anyway, why are you hearing this from me? Subscribe to the CentCom e-mail newsletter.

FUN FACTS ABOUT IOWA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

(Since the new podcast is finally up, I guess it's safe to post the Fun Facts from the previous podcast.)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#15 - Sept 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to fire up the ol' combine, because we're headed out to Iowa, so let's get started...

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from "Corntopia".

The state flag of Iowa consists of three vertical stripes of blue, white, and red, much like the French flag. To prevent confusion, the white section of Iowa's flag contains the international symbol for "No Surrender Monkeys".

The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.

Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary "lost 100th county" is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.

Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.

Iowa was nicknamed the "Hawkeye State" after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state's taverns.

The 31st president of the US - Herbert Hoover - was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.

The state song of Iowa is "Corn! Corn! Corn!", which consists entirely of people singing the word "corn" for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monthy Python's "Spam" sketch.

The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because... well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn't grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.

Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.

Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world's largest strawberry. It's 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.

The world's smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.

And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?

Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.

Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.

You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They're all from Iowa.

Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world's largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.

Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world's largest breakfast cereal company - Quaker Oats - which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o's.

In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.

Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would've prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.

Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.

Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin' nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.

The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN' NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin' nose... ow...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I have had a really bad day and it always makes me feel better to see a pretty girl smile. So, would you smile for me?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: Smiley Face]

Eventually even Viagra stopped working, and the Hardee's star lost his job.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What do the voices in Evil Glenn's head tell him to do?

Is due by 11pm EDT Friday, October 14th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Ramadan Helper

Basil's Blog Tip: Sort-of Open-Trackbacks for Blogger.

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Devise a "better" strategic plan for Al-Qaeda.

Phin's Blog Tip: Using the "hidden display" option on your blog.

THINGS NOT TO ASK YOUR HUSBAND

1) Does this dress make me look fat?

2) Have you noticed anything different about my face lately?

Niece/Blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! made mistake #2 recently.

By the way, nephew Mike, if you ever hear either of those questions again, the correct response is to...

FLEE FOR YOUR VERY LIFE!!!

CATBLOGGING GONE HORRIBLY WRONG

Yeah, I pile crap on my cat & take pictures because I think it's funny:

(click to enlarge)

If you're a fellow sadist, you'll probably get a kick out of:

StuffOnMyCat.com

[Hat tip: Musings From Brian J. Noggle]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Oh! I just remembered how my hands fit the curve of your waist and how your smiles fit the curve of my mind.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[I GREW HEMP for food, feed, and fiber]

I probably don't need to explain about the Visine.

REMEMBER BALI

10-12-02

INTERVIEW WITH THE BUGMEISTRESS

Bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks now has her interview posted at Basil's Blog.

Go read, if only to discover how she'd refer to a theoretical third child on her blog, i.e. Tater, Tot, and...

JUSTIFICATION FOR WAR

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Some people are outraged that the US decided to attack the Smurfs:

However, as outlined in President Bush's 2003 State of the Union Address, the US had good cause for the invasion and bombing of the Smurf Village:

Ruthless dictator Saddam Smurfsein.

Embezzled "Oil for Smurfs" money squandered on lavish palaces.

Chemical Ali Smurf cooking up Weapons of Smurfy Destruction in mobile laboratory.

Political prisoners smurfed into filthy dungeons without trial.

Less fortunate Smurfs simply "disappear".

And of course, the MOST important reason to attack the Smurfs... (see extended entry)

RAMADAN GIFT FOR TERRORISTS

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Here's a present for all those Islamofascist bastards who spend their time blowing up civilians during their Holy Month:

"Pieg Heil!"

Judging from the hat, I think it's a beardless Osama.

Happy Ramadan, MotherF***ers.

HELPING THE TERRORISTS TO CELEBRATE RAMADAN

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!
(see extended entry)

TRANSLATION NEEDED

Bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom just bought herself a new dress that looks great and was (or so I gather) relatively inexpensive.

She's just giddy.

So are all the women who left comments.

Of course, me & my Y chromosome just don't get it.

Thus I ask: What's the male equivalent of finding the perfect dress for $35?

A $.50/bottle closeout sale on Guinness, maybe?

EVER WONDER WHAT THE FIREFLY CHARACTERS ARE SAYING WHEN THEY SPEAK CHINESE? - UPDATED 10-12-05 8:15PM

Now you can find out:

Full scripts of all 15 Firefly episodes, complete with translations of the Chinese parts.

[Hat tip: Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

UPDATE 10-12-05 8:15pm: Commenter Tommy of The School of Comparative Irrelevance mentions that you can discover the Chinese phrases directly by going to Firefly-Serenity Chinese Pinyinary

CUPCAKES

After reading this haiku, I think I understand the obsession.

Cupcake ladies know
frosting and cleavage do go
the more the better

Ok, the picture had a lot to do with it, too.

FUN TRIVIA CHALLENGE

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Two of these statements were taken from Al Jazeera.

One was from USA Today.

Can you tell which is which without clicking the links?

B) More US soldiers have died in Iraq since George Bush declared an end to the war on 1 May 2003 prompting the question: Will Iraq turn into a new Vietnam eventually bringing the US to its senses ... or perhaps to its knees?

C) US and British occupation of Iraq is regarded as the re-emergence of the old colonialist practices of the western empires in some quarters.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note. Not previously posted]

Love me with all of your womanly charms
But please don't beat me with those scary-big arms... OW!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[VOID]

Due to new Treasury Department rules, "all debts, public and private" no longer applies to stuffing g-strings.

ATTEMPTED EARTHQUAKE COVER-UP

First Bush attacks Pakistan with an earthquake, then he sends in tons of relief supplies to try to make himself look good:

FIRST U.S. HUMANITARIAN AIRLIFT REACHES ISLAMABAD

ISLAMABAD, Pakistan - A United States Air Force C-17 delivered the first relief supplies here within 48 hours of the devastating earthquake that has left thousands dead and thousands more injured and displaced.

The aircraft and its crew from the 7th Airlift Squadron, McChord Air Force
Base, Wash., delivered 12 pallets -- weighing almost 90,000 pounds -- of
food, water, medicine and blankets from Bagram Air Field, Afghanistan.

With only a few hours notice, Airmen and soldiers at Bagram, successfully
worked to palletize the humanitarian relief supplies and prepare them for
the flight. Three aerial port specialists were also on the flight to coordinate and manage the cargo once it arrived at Islamabad.

Can no one stop this evil maniac?

Where's Underdog when you really need him?

IT'S A GIRL!

Teresa of Technicalities has presented me with a bouncing baby bloggranddaughter:

MathCogIdiocy of MathCog Idiocy

Might have to start calling her MCI.

Possibly Micki.

Let's take a peek under the pretty pink blanket:

Spring semester class list - be sure to ask about her research project.

Starts slinging Drambuie around like a drunken sailor. How rude! Alcoholic beverages should be treated with kindness, respect, and a thirst beyond reason. Try to work on those first two.

Explains the difference between Mathematics and Arithmetic. She'll be relieved to know that the only arithmetic she needs to know to be part of the Bad Example Family is that 6 + 9 = 69.

Looks like she spilled some of that Drambuie. Possily several hundred thousand gallons.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

POLL CLOSED - "BAD EXAMPLE FAMILY FRESH" NOW MEANS...

Having a new post up within the last 6 hours.

Thanks for the input.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment: How can we help the terrorists celebrate Ramadan?

Is due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, October 12th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

As the rain falls from the sky
So have I fallen for you.
As the thunder longs to be heard,
So I long to be loved by you.
As the lightning bolts across the sky,
So my heart bolts for you.
As the sun shines beautifully and brightly,
So does my smile because of you.
For without rain, there is no growth.
Without thunder, there is no sound.
Without lightning, there is no brightness.
Without sun, there is no warmth.
And without you, there is no love!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[I Poohdy give Louie this dollar for 1 nipple rub :-)]

Sure, gas prices are outrageous, but at least the cost of nipple-rubs is coming down.

[Hat tip to blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! for finding this one]

HOW RECENT IS RECENT?

I tweaked the Bad Example Family Blogroll recently and changed it to put an asterisk by any blog that's been updated within the last 24 hours.

It used to be within the last 2 hours.

I've already gotten "expressions of discontentment" with both settings, so I'm going to have a poll and see if I can get a consensus:

This post will stay on top for a few days or until I get sick of looking at it.

BURNINATE!

Jim of Snooze Button Dreams is posting about dragons, which naturally made me think of...

TROGDOR!

But what's really cool is I found out that Trogdor is now a game.

Go stomp some peasants and burninate the thatched-roof cottages, while trying not to get sworded.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(Lincoln with make-up and long tongue)]

Presidential Fun Fact:

Although he was one of the original founding members of KISS, Lincoln was eventually forced to quit because his tongue kept getting caught in his beard.

[Hat tip to blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! for finding this one]

<SMUG>

I told you so...

</SMUG>

YAY! I'M EVIL!

Got this in an e-mail from an old high-school buddy:

I haven't seen your blog entry - seems it's not work friendly because of language or something:

>>>>>Reason for restriction: Forbidden Category "Adult/Mature Content"

You can now boast - "BANNED IN UTAH"

MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

IT'S A GIRL!

And my naughty blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World has been hiding her for almost a month.

BAD Tammi!

Let's peek into the cradle of TalulaZephyr of Love and Koolaid Stains...

Wait... TZ? Should I start calling her Tease?

Teez?
Teze?

I'm sure I'll figure it out eventually...

Anyway...

Some thoughts on forgiving mistakes.

Prayers for train-derailment victims.

The agony of trying to find medication for your child that does more good than harm.

Begging for mercy on the computer front:

Share with me some crazy things spreadsheets might be used for. I know not all of us can understand the beauty of spreadsheets but maybe if we somehow relate it to alcohol or sex... i dunno just a thought.

Sex? Well... "spread"... "sheets"...
It's self-explanatory, right?

I wish this described MY mom.

An excerpt from The Mommy Manual.

And all kinds of short but powerful poetry:
Naked Me
Praying Mantis
Flower Pot
Grow
Most Beautiful Rose
Run
Fallen
Koolaid Stained Counters

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are my heart - personified.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(Grant w/sunglasses & smoking)]

"It's 106 miles to Chicago, we've got a full tank of gas, half a pack of cigarettes, it's dark and we're wearing sunglasses."

[Hat tip to blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! for finding this one]

IT'S A GIRL!

And I sit here chortling with smug, "I told you so" glee.

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities took a LOT of persuading to trade her comment-ghosting gig for a blog of her own, and now she's gone and conned someone else into starting a blog, thus birthing a blogdaughter of her own.

I'm just gonna smirk for a while...

... Ok, let's have a look at Irishpixie of Pixie Dust Productions, Inc.:

A tiny little bit about her.

Airline news - due to new airline luggage weight limitations, you'd best not pack that feather-duster unless you REALLY need it. Every ounce counts, people.

One of the few non-standard uses for mayonnaise that I haven't tried.

Hits us with a hippy-music earworm. Unless she's talking about Rancid's version of the song.

Mushy stuff.

A few reasons not to make a 17-hour plane trip.

Mmmm... bacon sandwich...

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn Cruises

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What do the voices in Evil Glenn's head tell him to do?

Alliance member blogging tip on finding trackback URL's

MY EVIL PLOT TO CONQUER THE WORLD

According to GBFan of Spotted Horse, it involves hot, juicy meat and a big "hammer".

He knows too much. I'll have to have him... taken care of...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Long after moments of closeness have passed, a part of you remains with me and warms the places your hands have touched and hastens my heart for your return.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[RondaS]

So... you're saying it's pronounced like Roh-en-DAHZ?

Ya know, I miss the good old days when football players had normal names like "Walter"...

EVIL GLENN'S CRUISE LINE

(A Filthy Lie)

After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.

Or TRIED to.

Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!

Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.

Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?

Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...

As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...

Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?

Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."

Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.

Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?

Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.

Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...

Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.

Harv: What "list of movies"?

Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...

Harv: That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...

Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.

Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...

Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!

Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...

Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.

Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?

Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!

Evil Glenn:...

Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.

Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...

Harv: Leaving now!

Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Evil Glenn's Cruise Line

(A Filthy Lie)

After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.

Or TRIED to.

Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!

Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.

Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?

Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...

As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...

Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?

Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."

Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.

Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?

Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.

Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...

Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.

Harv: What "list of movies"?

Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...

Harv: That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...

Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.

Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...

Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!

Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...

Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.

Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?

Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!

Evil Glenn:...

Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.

Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...

Harv: Leaving now!

Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Friday Linky Stuff

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: How can we help the terrorists celebrate Ramadan?

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Counter-Protest Equipment

Basil's Blog Tip: When to trackback when linking a comment.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

WAS THAT SUPPOSED TO BE AN INSULT?

Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff asks an interesting question:

Can someone (like say an older white Christian male) who uses the phrase "Jew him down" still be considered a generally decent person? Or should we assume he knows darn well that what he's saying is anti-Semitic?

I'd assume it was a matter of habit & social isolation.

Back in my Navy days, an otherwise charming Southern boy was discussing some improvisational repairs to an automobile and described it as being "nigger-rigged".

While chatting with a group that was predominantly black.

One of the gentlemen of color asked him incredulously to repeat what he just said.

And he said it again, with an innocent and puzzled look on his face, perhaps a little surprised that his friends weren't familiar with what he considered a common colloquialism.

One of the black guys defused the situation by suggesting that perhaps he meant "jury-rigged".

Right about then, the light dawned on this poor kid, who blushed and apologized profusely. Everyone accepted and the conversation moved on. Apparently, he always just thought of the phrase as its meaning and never contemplated the implied racial slur.

Sometimes people use words like that.

Anyway, is "Jew him down" really that offensive? I've always assumed it meant "to negotiate an exceptionally good price" - a compliment to the statistical propensity Jews have for business success.

Apparently some people think it means something else. Damned if I know what.

And at the extreme end, some people see racism and discrimination in even the most innocent sentences, the PC equivalent of Guatemalans seeing the Virgin Mary in every tortilla.

Personally, I say give him the benefit of the doubt. Until and unless he displays a pattern of overt racist behavior, just assume that it's a figure of speech and don't take it personally.

And ain't it just mighty white of me to be so open-minded?

HOW BLOGGING BEGINS

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom is asking 2 questions:

Who were some of the first blogs that you ever read?

Do you still read the one's who were there at the beginning?

The first blog I read regularly was Sgt. Stryker's Daily Briefing. Don't remember how I got there in the first place - probably from Daypop - but I recall being attracted by the tone of common-sense support for the military's mission - quite a change from reading the MSM news sites.

Then I started surfing off his blogroll, which led me to MORE talented, common-sense writers. By the time I was ready to start a blog of my own, I had 13 bloggers bookmarked.

Which I know because I was on Blogspot for a grand total of 8 days before moving to Radio, so I still have my original blogroll. Of the 13 listed, I still read 6 of them regularly.

# Cox & Fokum
# IMAO (which I'm now part of - blogging version of the American Dream)
# The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler
# Mean Mr. Mustard (now on v2.0)
# PhotoDude (aka The Daily Whim)
# Little Tiny Lies (now Hog on Ice)

Oh, and T1G - here's your C note :-)

COUNTER-PROTEST EQUIPMENT

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

Small

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.

Large

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).

Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.

STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your words are my food, your breath my wine. You are everything to me.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[www.tweak3D.net]

I wanted by porn site domain to be www.tweakher38DDs.com, but that was already taken.

A PRIZE!

Blogdaughter Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger is nearing the 20,000 visitor mark.

She's promising an unspecified "prize" if you can give screenshot proof of your 20,000ness.

Personally, I'm running low on Reddi-Wip, so I'll be hitting "refresh" for a while so I can get her to buy me a case.

Or she can just post more pictures like this.

Either one would be fine.

WELL... *THIS* IS INTERESTING...

"Not now, my children, not now." The False Messiah Deliberate Brutal Love Master (DBLMm) People believe in you, and then you send them to hell. Behold, the False Messiah. You're usually a very kind person, and conscientious, too. Socially, you're a leader, and your friends and associates look up to you. In intimate relationships, you're a capable, responsive, and experienced lover. Outside the box, however, you run into trouble. Your exact opposite: The Pool Boy Random Gentle Sex Dreamer Girls fall hard for you, but you're much more ambivalent about them. The beginnings of your relationships are unusually intense, making it all the rougher on her when they end. At first, using all your accumulated tricks of the trade, you ladle on the affection. But once she's all covered in soup, you withhold the true napkins of commitment. What's that all about? We should've called you the False Waiter. You're looking for Love. But history tells us you struggle to settle down and accept it. There's a deep streak of carnality within you. And while you'll never be a predator, you'll always fight the urge to roam free. You like to plan things out, so plan this: find someone who can indulge your selfish side, has a healthy sexual appetite, and doesn't mind uncertainty. FLEE: The Sonnet, The Window Shopper PURSUE: The Stiletto, The Peach, The Nymph Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

Of course, that covers my entire lifetime of youthful indiscretions, too. Just for fun, I re-took it and answered it for the man I became after April 9th, 1999 (see extended entry)...

Get the whole bad example »

---

The Gentleman Deliberate Gentle Love Master (DGLMm) Steady & mature. You are The Gentleman. For anyone looking for an even-keeled, considerate lover, you're their man. You're sophisticated. You know what you want both in a relationship and outside of it. You have a substantial romantic side, and you're experienced enough sexually to handle yourself in that arena, too. Your future relationships will be long-lasting; you're classic "marrying material," a prize in the eyes of many. It's possible that behind it all, you're a bit of a male slut. Your best friends know that in relationships you're fundamentally sex-driven. You're a safe, reliable guy, who does get laid. In a lot of ways, you're like a well-worn, comfortable pair of socks. Did you ever jack off into one of those? All the time. Your exact opposite: The Last Man on Earth Random Brutal Sex Dreamer Your ideal mate is NOT a nut-job. She is giving and loving, like you, but also experienced. Avoid the The Battleaxe at all fucking costs. CONSIDER: The Maid of Honor, someone just like you. Link: The 32-Type Dating Test by OkCupid - Free Online Dating.

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

Does TNT know you are wandering the online dating sites?
Harvey's gonna get beat real good....*quietly chanting*

Sarah exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 10:34 AM

I can't read that post in either IE or Mozilla--the right sidebar floats over most of it, even in the archive version....

Susie exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 10:37 AM

Woo Woo... A test that doesn't paint me as a vile evil denizen that escaped from the bowels of hell only to be sent forth as a scurge upon humanity.

I scored the Gentleman... based on my entire life. Maybe there is some good left in me.

Contagion exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 12:07 PM

I'm The Loverboy? What's up with that? I can't play the guitar...

Ogre exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 12:41 PM

I got The Sonnet. I'm supposed to avoid you and my ideal mate is The Loverboy.

I have to say... it was creepy taking that while being married! Yick.

Bou exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 04:13 PM

"Always a Bridesmaid" Guess that's why I'm divorced. I shouldn't have tried to be the bride.

Sticks exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 04:50 PM

I took this test while I am makin bacon....here at Casa De dust. I got Random Brutal Love Master....

That sounds very dangerous.

ArmyWifeToddlerMom exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 05:28 PM

The Window Shopper
Random Gentle Love Dreamer (RGLDf)

Which is funnier than I can blog about!

Tammi exemplified on October 06, 2005 at 06:29 PM

I got The Sonnet, too....Ogre, you busy later? ;)

Susie exemplified on October 07, 2005 at 09:48 AM

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

Posted by Harvey on October 6, 2005 at 10:08 AM | Permalink | 9 Comments | Trackback

Close Trackbacks

VICTORIA'S SECRET SUCKS!

Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review says that Victoria's Secret is a miserable place for a man to be.

This may come as a surprise to my readers, but I have to agree with him.

Why?

Let's think about this for a minute... everywhere you look, nothing but thousands and thousands of bras, panties, teddies, thongs, stockings, camisoles, bikinis, and frilly-fancy-silky-satiny unmentionables.

AND THEY'RE ALL EMPTY!

Victoria's Secret IS Hell.

COOKIE CULT NOW CANDY CULT

Niece/Blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! mentions that Girl Scouts are now selling candy.

Am I always the last person to know about these things?

Anyway, the point of her post is to discuss which method youth organizations should rely on to raise money - charity, fundraisers, or door-to-door sales.

Any preferences?

Also, she needs a good recipe for spiced apple cider.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

My love for you is a journey; starting at forever, and ending at never...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

[(Pink around the All-Seeing Eye on the back)]

A gynecologist's view.

[Hat tip to blogson Madfish Willie for finding this one]

WARM... WET... BLOWING

Must be Tammi.

OOPS!

I mean Tammy.

Sorry about the typo.

DISPLAY PROBLEM FIXED (I HOPE)

I've had a couple complaints about my right sidebar covering up the main column, and - after driving Phin of Phin's Blog crazy trying to solve the problem (big thanks to my favorite goldfish for his efforts) - I finally figured out what the problem was.

And it was all my own fault.

I had Blogrolling set up to put "***updated***" in front of recently updated blogs in the Bad Example Family blogroll. Which probably wouldn't have been a problem, except that when ArmyWifeToddlerMom updated, the combined text was too wide for the sidebar.

No problem for Firefox - just let the text run off the side & widen the screen with a horizontal scrollbar.

BIG problem for IE - whose solution was to widen the right sidebar into the main column, thus covering up the text in the posts..

So I changed it to make recently updated blogs have just a single asterisk in front, which will probably confuse people, but at least is won't screw up the display any more.

ATTACK OF THE INTERNET

While discussing computers and movies, blogson GA Mongrel mentioned the movie "The Net", which I don't remember.

However, it DID remind me that I have a page from an old TV guide (1996) that advertised the TV movie "Deadly Web" with the tagline "On the Internet, there's no place to hide."

Here's a closer look at the fine print at the bottom of the ad,

Yes, it really says "Check out NBC on the Internet! http:www.nbc.com"

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Amid the gloom and travail of existence suddenly to behold a beautiful being... and as instantaneously to feel an overwhelming conviction, that with that fair form, our destinies must be entwined... this is love.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(black horizontal line]

With his swordsmanship waning in his later years, Zorro eventually gave up and just changed his name to "Line-o".

[Hat tip to blogson Madfish Willie for finding this one]

QUOTE OF THE DAY

From Matty O'Blackfive:

Mr. Laphroaig might seem nice at first, but he's a very, very bad man.

After the aspirin kicks in, it looks like Matty will be editing a book of Milblogger stories.

Damn cool, that.

STILL NOT GIVING UP HOPE

Monday Night Football... I wrote an "L" on the schedule after the start of the 4th quarter.

And yet... even though the Packers lost 5 or 6 key players in that game, they made an AMAZING 4th quarter rally.

It's been quite a while since I've seen that much fire in Favre's eyes. Even though he had nothing to work with, he took whatever he could get and made some nice drives.

The thing that impressed me most was that - I've seen Favre in this "desperately trying to come from behind" position more times than I care to remember, and almost every time he ends up throwing an interception.

Not this time.

The last 3 games have been VERY close. I think the Packers may make a season out of this yet.

LIPSTICK & NAILPOLISH

Heather of Angelweave is taking a poll, fellas, and wants to know how you feel about lipstick & nailpolish

Long, blood-red nails are nice.

Lipstick? Never been a fan. Most women pick the wrong color, and kissing a woman with it on is like eating a crayon.

ARTISTIC NITPICKING

Since I poked Serenity in the eye over a couple small technical details (minor spoilers at the link), I thought I'd share some of my other common complaints about TV & movie unrealism (which are not directed specifically at Firefly):

Control panels full of randomly blinking lights - 99% of these lights should be either on or off to tell you their status. As a general design rule, blinking is usually reserved for an abnormal status. The only exceptions I know for this are hard drive or modem activity.

Control panels should also have their buttons, switches, & lights LABELED - When was the last time you saw an unlabeled button on ANY electronic device? Your radio, your VCR, and even your remote control have crap written all over them... yet you're just supposed to GUESS which button to push on a nuclear reactor?

Factories or basements with leaky steam pipes - When you have a steam leak, you call the mechanic and FIX it (having worked in a ship's engine room for 4 years, I speak from experience).

Pipes ALSO have labels.

Super-fast computers that display new lines of text on their screens s-l-o-w-l-y, one letter at a time in green monochrome with a DOS caret at the front of the line - Have these writers even TOUCHED a computer built within the last 20 years?

And don't even get me started on the big blinking "ACCESS DENIED" warning. (Swordfish was especially bad with this one).

Yes, I know it's just an exercise of artistic license to make a plot point and that I should try to relax.

I'm just saying that I notice it.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Do you believe in love at first sight or do I need to walk by again?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[***MIKE***]

Try as he might, Michael Moore just couldn't break his habit of using presidents named George to draw attention to himself.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Basil's Blog Tip: Yes, you CAN blog if you're on AOL.

And remember - feel free to hit the Alliance Blog gurus up for advice, even if you're not an Alliance member. Phin & Basil are a couple of drama queens and THRIVE on attention. Just leave a comment on any of their blog-tips posts, or e-mail them at the addresses listed on the sidebar at HQ.

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What should you bring with you to protest an anti-war rally? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, October 5th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What would a vacation be like on Evil Glenn's Cruise Line?

Filthy Lie Round-up: Instapundette

Friday Linky Stuff

KARNIVAL OF THE KIDZ - RETURN OF THE BAD UNCLE

I don't have any children myself, but I *do* have brothers & sisters with kids, which makes me an uncle.

A bad uncle.

Yeah, I'm the one that teaches the kids important life skills that they can use to drive their parents crazy.

Serves 'em right for letting me babysit.

I thought people would've learned their lesson by now, but - once again - a crowd of grubby crumb-crunchers is jumping on my furniture & scaring the cats, so the least I can do is to make sure they go away a little more creative than when they arrived...

"Seriously! Cats can swim! Toss this one off the bridge if you don't believe me."

Equuschick of The Common Room probably knows what it means when a man's feet are really big, but her kid has a theory on what it means when they're two different sizes.

"Squeeze all the ketchup into one end of the packet, then slam your fist down on it. With a little practice, you'll be able to hit targets clear across the room."

ArmyWife of ArmyWifeToddlerMom posted a picture. See if you can spot 3 things wrong with it.

"When your sister's sleeping, put shaving cream in her hand, then tickle her nose EVER so gently."

Sweetney of Sweetney.com actually discovered a way to make the movie "March of the Penguins" interesting.

"HAH! The lady in front of me now has SIX pieces of popcorn stuck in her hair and hasn't noticed yet. Beat that!"

On behalf of human pet Bruce, Ferdinand of Conservative Cat explains why third chair trumpet in an orchestra is better than first chair in a band.

"Anyone can squeeze their hands together to make fart sounds, but did you know that you can play entire SONGS that way?"

Speaking of music, Amy of Prochein Amy has a kid who insists that there's only one way to master the art of finger-snapping. Guess I'll have to find something else to do with MY fingers :-(

"You can make your mommy's favorite sound by blowing on a blade of grass using this special technique. Use it to wake her up in the morning to show her how much you love her."

VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks has a young son with a pickle problem.

"Writing your name in the snow is easy. Dotting the i's & crossing the t's... THAT'S an accomplishment"

Based on two reports from Jody of Iowa Geek, I suspect we may have to fight the Revolutionary War again, as Monarchist forces appear to have invaded our fair shores.

"Need a light saber to go with that Jedi costume? Check in the back of that drawer in mommy's nightstand."

Headmistress/Zookeeper of The Common Room demonstrates the futility of using literature as a somnolescent.

"If you expect to get enough height to touch the bedroom ceiling, you need to pop your legs straight just as the bed starts springing you back upwards."

Susie of Practical Penumbra wonders what the baby in this picture is thinking. My guess is "OO! I love Pampered Chef parties!"

"If you sprinkle pepper on a red hot electric stove burner, it makes pretty sparkles!"

GA Mongrel is dealing with some enunciation issues. I tell ya, kids & music just don't mix.

"No, 'ass' isn't a bad word. It means "donkey". Here... just type it into Google Image search and see for yourself... uh... ok, maybe it IS a bad word..."

Looks like ArmyWife of ArmyWifeToddlerMom found out the hard way that she shouldn't slice onions while taking pictures of her kids.

"Onions taste great raw, too. You can eat 'em just like an apple. Here... take a big ol' bite."

Despite the best efforts of Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity, she couldn't talk Gilette into using her kids in their commercials.

"It's ok to write on the walls with shaving cream because it's basically just soap anyway."

And finally, a tragic tale of hardship from my own misspent youth:

(click to enlarge)

"Back when I was a kid, we didn't HAVE fancy digital cameras! We had to use PlaySkool Cameras made out of WOOD, and by gum, that's the way we LIKED it!"

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go try to get this popcorn out of my hair.

UNLESS... if someone would like to volunteer to be the new moderator, please contact VW, and she will set you up with passwords, links, and mailing lists.

Duties include:

Sending out reminder e-mails
Putting a reminder post on your own site a couple days before the entry deadline
Updating the Karnival of the Kids home page
Getting volunteers for each week's round-up
Hosting the round-up yourself if you can't find a volunteer
Linking the Karnival after it's been posted

Anyone interested in taking on a big sack of responsibilities can e-mail VW at onehappydog-at-gmail.com

THERE GOES BLOGGING AGAIN

Last time it was Doom 3

This time... Serious Sam II: The Demo.

Lord help me when the full game comes out.

A FLAW IN SERENITY?

It's a very minor plot element, but since I believe that ANY detail about Serenity is at least a tiny spoiler, I'm putting this in the extended entry. Please don't read this unless you've already seen the movie, or you're less sensitive to having movie details revealed than I am...

IT'S NOT LIKE THE CRUSADES ARE HAPPENING AGAIN... OH... WAIT...

(cross-posted from IMAO)

I love getting the CENTCOM newsletter via e-mail every week. Helps me keep up on what's happening with the War on Terror, minus the liberal spin from the MSM.

First there's the good news

* More than 50 staff members from the Ministry of Agriculture complete training course on how to install and maintain the irrigations systems.

* Center for troubled teenagers began outreach operations in northern Iraq.

Plus - just in case you've forgotten what kind of bastards we're fighting, they have the "What Extremists Are Saying" section.

However, in the "what were they thinking?" department, we have this:

which was captioned, "Designed by the British, this new Border Fort on the Iraq/Iran border has a medieval flair to it."

Can't help but wonder how they missed the obvious PR implications on this one.

Instapundette

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.

Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.

Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.

First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".

Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.

Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).

Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.

But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.

Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.

Mao-worshipping? - Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.

Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!

Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.

Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.

Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.

Other than that, probably the only change to the Instapundit site would be a barely-noticable tweaking of the background tint:

Think there'd be any other differences?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I long to touch your soul,
To taste the sacredness of you,
A love so pure, sublime, serene…
A dream contemptuous of time.
Come to me, Love, and wrap me up
In endless dreams, caresses sweet
With gentleness and joy.
My aching heart, filled with desire,
Would gladly soar through time and space
Just to dissolve in your embrace once more…
And melt in your soul’s sweet fire.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Good Charlotte]

Better: Charlotte AND her sister

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

"You have gripped my soul with a ferocity reserved for a castaway clinging to a raft in the middle of the ocean. If my soul is the raft, it is your hold that keeps me afloat. Don't ever let go. I love you."

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[(I Grew Hemp)]

And made candy!

A PRESENT FOR THE BLOGSTUMP

Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review just turned thirty-mumble.

Here's hoping Brett Favre can put one in the W column on Monday to help him celebrate.

Meanwhile here's a present for him:

A pretty flower.

Wait... sorry... that's NOT a pretty flower.

DARWIN IN A NUTSHELL

Nick of NickQueen.com wants to get in on the fun of an evolutionary discussion, so I'll toss this out to get things moving:

The big debate in Darwin's time was whether the minor variations between parent & child could accumulate to such a degree that 2 different descendents of the same species of animal could become so biologically different that they could no longer mate successfully, and thus one of them would have to be classified as a distinct species.

Darwin said yes.

Some of his peers said no - that, outside of a defect like sterility, the variations between parent & child - while certainly noticable - were minor and always within set limits. That they never involved anything so radical as an animal's fundamental ability to reproduce within its species. There were limits to how much variation could take place, and no matter HOW many generations passed, a pigeon would always be a pigeon.

Of course, Darwin then proceeded to take his theory even further and suggested that these accumulated variations - over tens of thousands (millions? billions?) of generations - could even explain differences in genus, family, order, class, and phylum (see chapter 10 and this diagram).

To me, one of the more amazing aspects of Origin of Species is that Darwin had NO idea about genetics, or DNA. When Origin was published in 1859, Mendel's first research paper on heredity hadn't even been published.

Oh, and here's a brief primer on taxonomy (how organisms are classified), a passing familiarity with which is immensely helpful in discussing this topic.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are more beautiful than music.

Your face is like a poem

And your eyes... heaven.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]