PANTS BY MC ESCHER

[Building on a post from The Man of GOP and the City, which you should read (it's short & mostly visual) to get the full effect.]

MoveOn.org has a new ad out, which includes a shot of "American troops stuck in Iraq".

Trouble is, they used a picture of British troops in the video, one of whom is wearing shorts (which are not part of the American uniform).

Normally I'd just say "buncha dumbasses" and ignore it, but as we all know, it's not the lie, it's the cover-up that'll bring you down.

In the sidebar picture, they show Mr. Shorts wearing pants.

But not just ANY pants - the same exact pants as the guy standing next to him.

This presents some problems, since they're not standing at the same angle, but they hoped no one would notice.

Sorry guys, it's just not your day.

Links to some VERY big pictures follow, so it might take a while on dial-up, but I wanted you to have the full effect.

First, a screenshot of the MO.O site, so you can see the pictures side-by-side (and as proof that it actually happened, in case they take it down - remember: ALWAYS GET A SCREENSHOT).

Second, greatly enlarged side-by-side comparison of the fake pic (left) and the real pic (right). In the fake pic, notice that the camoflage pattern - right down to the wrinkles and reflection of the sunlight - is EXACTLY the same on both pairs (with allowances for distortion due to photoshopping).

Yet if you look at their feet, you'll see that they're standing at different angles. Which makes for a VERY strange effect for the left soldier: although his right foot is slightly behind him, and you should see the butt-crack of his pants (as you do in the shorts pic), you actually see the front of his pants, which made me think of Escher's "Belvedere" and thus the title of this post.

Anyway, I suggest that MO.O remove the ad, apologize for misleading the American people, and fire the guy who came up with the idea for posting the fake picture.

UPDATE: Tiny thumbnails of very large pictures:

First:

Second:

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When a man says it's a silly, childish game, it's probably something his wife can beat him at!

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Lincoln with two-tone moustache & glasses)]

"Fine! The truth is I was sniffing red & black magic markers when my meth lab exploded! Now can we PLEASE talk about something else?"

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I only wish to be the fountain of love from which you drink, every drop promising eternal passion.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)
[new note, not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(lipstick on portrait)]

Meanwhile, George is thinking, "...lower..."

[Hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one for me]

COLD REMEDY?

Blogson Andrew of Custos Honor wants to know how to make a cold remedy using one or more of the following ingredients:

I've got a bottle of Chivas Regal, a new bottle of Jack, a bottle of Captain Morgan, and a bottle of the captain's private stock.

Suggestions?

ON MOURNING

Pam of Pamibe lost her mother recently. She turned off comments on her post, but I suppose you can leave some words here, if you'd like.

Being an adoptee, Pam asks an interesting question about whether being adopted has an effect on the depth of her mourning:

"I feel disloyal, wondering how a birthchild would feel in my place. Would the connection be broader, sharper, as a branch of the family tree is snapped off? The pain more deeply felt, the sadness a seemingly endless well?"

Short answer, no.

My father went after a lingering illness, and since I knew it was coming, I got a good deal of my mourning finished before his body quit.

You'll feel the loss in stabbing bits and pieces, as you stumble over moments when you think "Mom would like this" before remembering that she's gone. It won't be a constant thing. It'll catch you off guard when you least expect it, but each time it bleeds a little less, until the wound is healed and all that's left is the scar of loving memory, where the flesh is bright and strong.

No more pain. Just the reminder.

Cherish the memories and tell her stories so that her light will still shine.

SIMILE OF THE DAY

From Susie of Practical Penumbra:

Sunday passed like an octogenarian in a Mercury Grand Marquis.

ODDY...WHO?

Now you can find out all those things you ever wanted to know about Oddybobo of Boboblogger, because her interview is up at Basil's Blog.

Some favorite quotes:

"Nothing says White Trash like food still in its tin foil bag!"

"my sister was dating both of his roommates, at the same time"

Don't forget to check the schedule to see if there's someone upcoming upon whom you'd like to pick.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: Write a review of Cindy Sheehan's new book. due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, November 30th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Filthy Lie Round-up: It's Evil Glenn's Fault

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Friday Linky Stuff

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I never understood it when people said "Love is all you need." This is probably because they didn't say "The love of a beautiful, passionate, compassionate, skillful, intelligent, loving, and all-around perfect woman is all you need."

[to which I added]

...YOUR love is all I need :-)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released this portrait of Frank Zappa as the first in its new series of "Artists You've Heard Of But Never Listened To Dollars". Coming soon: "Marilyn Manson" and "Garth Brooks".

INTERVIEW: MATTY O'BLACKFIVE

Matty O'Blackfive found time between drinking and name-dropping to do an interview for Milblogging.com.

My favorite line:

JP: How much longer do you think the MSM will be around?

MATT: Forever. Much like the world's oldest profession.

If you ever get a chance to meet him in person, take it.

Speaking of which, you might have one if you decide to go to Fritz's on January 8th. Let That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom know by December 4th if you're interested.

But do it in HIS comments, since he never reads my crappy blog ;-)

The Cruelty of Glenn Reynolds

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"

So what else could I do but answer him?...

...With a song...

My dog was blended by this man
He whizzed into my garbage can
Ate my goldfish, smashed my table
Told Time-Warner that I stole cable

Made off with my credit card
Burned his name into my yard
Ate my cookies, cracked my eggs,
Tattooed peace signs on my legs.

Put pop cans in my microwave
Spit upon my grandpa's grave
Buried hobos in my cellar
Told bad jokes 'bout Helen Keller

Wrapped my car around a tree
Gave me clap - it hurts to pee!
Made my new computer crash
Put borax in my cocaine stash

Drained my laptop battery
Robot-danced on my TV
Ate my Twinkies, greased my slide
Shaved my kitten's underside

Didn't link my funny post
Sprinkled dandruff on my toast
Punched Frank J. and made him cry
(No, wait... that makes me like the guy)

Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
Made me lose my otherwise impeccable talent for meter and rhyme
"Love thy neighbor"? Surely you jest!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

Are you a bad load of laundry? You make my pants feel two sizes too small.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HOW TO SUPPORT THE TROOPS

An interesting comment in this post:

You are planning to volunteer for the military, right? I mean, "support the troops" is more than just an empty slogan for you, right?

The fact that I spent 4 years on a floating nuclear missile target (aka aircraft carrier) during the Cold War aside, I think the author of that question has an exceedingly narrow view of what "support" means.

You don't need to be firing a gun in theater to "support the troops". In addition to men, a successful military campaign also needs supplies and good morale - the will to stay in the battle until victory.

The most you can do to "support the troops" from the homefront is to actively provide material or morale. Send them armor, send them cookies, send them a postcard. It all helps.

The least you can do to "support the troops" is stay out of the way while they get the job done. You don't even have to so much as say "hi" to a soldier on the street. Just live your life as a productive citizen leading a normal life. Believe it or not, it DOES help troop morale just to know that the country they're fighting for is safe and comfortable - to know that there's a land of sanity to return to when the job is done.

What DOESN'T support the troops is denigrating the mission. Arm-chair quarterbacking that the troops aren't doing a good job, or that they're doing the wrong job. It's corrosive and eats away at morale.

Now, to the commenter's credit, he's not following the third option. He's merely evaluating some events in Iraq in a more pessimistic light. I won't hold that against him.

But I wonder if he's thought through the full logic of his chicken-hawk argument. If the only people who can be considered as "supporting the troops" are those who're in combat, then aren't the only people with the right to criticize the war the people working for the Department of Defense who have full access to ALL the relevant information about conditions in the field?

If I have to pick up a rifle or shut up, they have to get a job at the Pentagon or shut up.

THIS MEANS NOTHING! IT'S STILL A QUAGMIRE, I TELLS YA!

Several insurgents groups have contacted President Jalal Talabani's office in the past few days, with some saying they are ready to lay down their arms and join the political process.

Enemies surrendering... wonder if this'll make any front pages?

Probably not, since it doesn't make Bush look bad.

[Hat tip: The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler]

BAD IDEA

Over at Ogre's place, I found out about a conservative student being harrassed by a liberal professor.

The good news is that the dickhead professor resigned, saving the board the trouble of firing his worthless ass.

The bad news is:

School President William Austin said that he will incorporate tolerance seminars for professors during the next faculty in-service day

Bullshit.

"Tolerance seminar" is just a euphemism for state-sponsored brainwashing. I oppose these things when they're used to indoctrinate impressionable youths to the cult of diversity, and I see no reason to support their use now just because I agree with their message.

The professor is gone. That's enough of a lesson.

Leave the re-education camps for dictators and tyrants. They have no place in America.

I GOT *SUCH* A FIZULWAM FROM THAT!

Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance posted:

The anti-spam verification word on a blog where I tried to leave a comment a few minutes ago was "fizulwam". Cool! That should be a real word. Readers are enouraged to suggest possible definitions.

It sounds a bit like "fuzzy warm", so I'll say that it describes the feeling you get when a blogger unexpectedly posts something sweet, thoughtful and flattering about you:

Like Virtue of Rantings of an Indentured Servant

Or Roger of Class Mishaps

Or Pet of Florida Life... Or Whatever

Fizulwams - the best thing about blogging.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

You want to know how great my love is?
Count the waves.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

Oh, so you think it's FUNNY to feed jalapenos to my Chihuahua?

BALLOONS!

Blogdaughter Michele, posting from her photoblog Postcards From NYC, has a bunch of photos from the staging area of Macy's Thanksgiving parade.

To save you a few clicks, I'm going to link her November archive page and tell you to just scroll down.

But before you do that, go to this picture and see if you can figure out who that is. I had to stare at it for a while before I figured it out.

MAIL ORDER COFFEE EXOTICA

Or erotica, depending on the depth of your passion for coffee.

AJ of Random Firing of Neurons passed this link along to me, and I thought I should share:

The Coffee Fool

The prices are in line with what I pay at my local super-size grocery store (the one with half an aisle of nothing but bean dispensers), and shipping costs aren't too outrageous, either:

Our two US delivery choices are Standard (US Priority Mail) for a flat $3.85 (2-3 day delivery), or Overnight (DHL Next Day) for a flat $13.75 for any order up to 4lb. We know, sounds crazy, but we get a great shipping rate up to this weight because it's the typical size of our daily coffee orders to restaurants, offices, and those fellow Coffee Fools crazy enough to drink around a gallon of coffee a day.

If you're into decaf, that's also an option on some (but not all) of the varieties.

THANKSGIVING ODDITIES

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom has a history of Thanksgiving that doesn't quite mesh with what I was taught in school.

And blogson Madfish Willie reviews Thanksgiving at the Bad Example house over at the Cyber Saloon. Eerily accurate, that one.

WILL THE REAL OPEN SOURCE MEDIA PLEASE STAND UP?

This one has the name.

This one has the practice.

If you check the left sidebar under "other", you'll see a login link. ANYONE can register, login, and post. So far the posts range from thought-provoking to simply bizarre.

Another fine piece of mockery from Basil.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What misfortunes have Evil Glenn's actions brought about in your life? due by 11pm EDT Friday, November 25th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Thanksgiving Day Blog Tip

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Spin! Spin! Spin!

New PGH: Write a review of Cindy Sheehan's new book

Basil's blog tip: More on trackbacks (this one is a must-read).

ALARM CLOCK MEME FOLLOW-UP

Let's see what my taggees did:

Blogson _Jon of We Swear"

if you are ever motivated to copulate with a small animal, take the time to wrap it in duct tape so it doesn't come apart.

Apparently his mind wandered a bit while composing his post.

AJ of Random Firing of Neurons:

Does Harvey have a beard to:

A) hide his prison bitch face?
B) hide the stretch marks from his days in the Navy?
C) keep his face warm during Wisconsin winters?
D) keep his face warm during Wisconsin summers?
E) all of the above?

ANOTHER wandering mind. I'm sensing a trend.

Anyway, he says he hates memes, so if you don't know who to tag, tag AJ.

Bloggranddaughter Sarah the Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs:

...has completely ignored me. But she DOES have an interesting question for you:

What is your favorite monopoly piece?

Blogdaughter Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger:

"shift me into the bedroom to begin my morning rituals"

Love to, sweetie, but I don't think Beloved Wife TNT would approve.

Speaking of TNT of Smiling Dynamite:

... also ignored me, but has posted a picture of a VERY excited turkey, along with the phrase:

MAY YOUR STUFFING BE TASTY, MAY YOUR TURKEY BE PLUMP

which is probably a euphemism for something.

Bloggrandson Babaganoosh is still having issues with Blogger, so I'll suggest that maybe it's time for a MuNu blog. Let me know.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

I've grown to you as a leaf on a plant.
You provide my structure and sustinance, I provide you the energy to grow and thrive.
Much as the leaf is constantly renewed each spring, you readily provide me with a renewal of life and purpose with your ever-flowing love.
And as the rings within a tree show the years of growth and strength, the love I see when I look into your eyes shows years of togetherness and bonding.
Both require one to look inside to see the depth of history.
Both require more than just a quick glance to fully appreciate.
May the depth of your loving gaze grow deeper with each year that we renew our love.

[Penned by blogson _Jon of We Swear, and too damn good to let sit hidden in the comments]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(two peace signs)]

If you let a chicken use your "Dance Dance Revolution" dance pad, make sure she wipes her feet first.

Maybe They're NOT Crazy... Oh, Wait... Yes They Are

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.

But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.

Maybe they're crazy.

But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...

* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.

* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.

* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.

* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.

* Of course, that might have been the gin.

* Or the Scotch

* Possibly the Sterno

* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.

* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?

* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.

* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".

* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.

Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

Outside are gray skies.
Inside, my wife sits with me
No gray, just sunshine.

[Inspired by this post from Straight White Guy]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

"This watch was on you daddy's wrist when he was shot down over Hanoi. He was captured and put in a Vietnamese prison camp. He knew that if the gooks ever saw the watch, they'd confiscate it--take it away. The way your dad looked at it, this watch was your birthright. He'd be damned if any slope's gonna put their greasy yellow hands on his boy's birthright. So, he hid it, in one place he knew he could hide something: his ass. Five long years he wore this watch . . . up his ass. Then, he died of dysentery, he give me the watch. I hid this uncomfortable hunk of metal up my ass two years. Then, after seven years, I was sent home to my family. And now, little man, I give the watch to you."

"Oh, and he told me to give you this dollar, too."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

From Sir George Turner of The Anti-Idiotarian Rottweiler:

However, let me revisit Murtha’s idea of an immediate and complete US withdrawal from Iraq. From the standpoint of defeating the insurgency, Murtha’s plan is worse than what I call plan S - the mass suicide of all US soldiers currently in theater. Note that if our soldiers all shot themselves in the head tomorrow, the Iraqi security forces would immediately gain enough modern rifles and uniforms to equip another 158,000 Iraqi security troops. If we just up and left, the Iraqis would gain less than that.

Only Democrats could come up with a war plan that’s tactically less effective than mass suicide.

WINTER BEER RECOMMENDATIONS NEEDED

Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views has needs:

Come wintertime, I turn the temperature up a bit on the fridge. I still like the beer cold, but perhaps more just chilled and not ice cold. But finding a good beer for winter drinking is tough.

Yes, Guinness works well. I also like Ruination IPA and Ruddles County, but those are REAL hard to find. I don't really like the chocolate ales all that much and bitter's not my style, but "hoppy" is.

So, does anyone have any suggestions about any good wintertime beers that are best served cool, not ice cold?

Anyone? Anyone?... Bueller?

SHOOTING SPREES

What happens when good citizens don't carry defensive firearms:

...man accused of wounding six people - one critically - when he opened fire inside a shopping mall...

What happens when they do:

...The owner said the victim returned armed and when he refused to drop his weapon, the owner shot the man twice...

GRATUITOUS LINKAGE TO...

Kevin of Eckernet, who provides the names of the 3 bastards who voted to have us pull out of Iraq immediately.

Seriously, McKinney, Serrano, & Wexler, why hand your opponents a campaign commercial just for the satisfaction of publicly rooting for the wrong side in this war?

JUST OUT OF CURIOSITY

I know what a seam-ripper is, I've used one, and I own one.

Is that a good thing or a bad thing?

No real reason for bringing it up, I just saw the phrase here and it sparked a memory of how shocked my sister was when she found out I had one.

YEAH, THEY CASHED THAT OLD CHECK, AND THERE'S NOTHING YOU CAN DO ABOUT IT

Tiffany of Blown Fuse is having a bank-related issue:

Isn't there a sort of "deadline" on how long a person has to cash a check? I've been wondering, because a $5 check I wrote almost five months ago just got cashed this week.

Technically it's considered "stale dated" after 6 months. However, each individual bank has its own policy on cashing stale-dated checks - usually "we won't cash it if the teller notices that it's over 6 months old".

However, tellers have no legal obligation to check the date on every check that comes in, and are not liable for cashing stale-dated checks.

Why is this so?

I quote a discussion of the Uniform Commercial Code:

Many of the "tweaks" found in the most recent version of the UCC are intended to accommodate the evolution of bank processes, specifically the fact that most checks paid by automated means do not get a sight inspection. They will be paid without regard to the date.

So, if a check is taking way too long to clear, your best bet is to contact the payee & say "cash my check, bitch!". Or - after six months - you can hope some dim bulb bank teller just *happens* to pick that day to notice the date on your check AND feels anal enough to refuse to cash it.

As for stop payment orders... my bank charged $20, and it was only good for 6 months - although the sorting machine WOULD catch the check during that time. After that, though it was back to praying for an observant teller.

Which is rather like using a leaky condom for birth control.

I wish there were happier options, but - realistically speaking - that's it, and they all suck.

LIGHT BLOGGING AT INSTAPUNDIT EXPLAINED

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows...

2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.

3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.

4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.

5) Immediately withdraw US troops.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Life is an ocean and love is a boat
In troubled waters it keeps us afloat
When we started the voyage there was just me and you
Now gathered 'round us we have our own crew

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(drawing of Cap'n Crunch hat on Washington)]

Johnny Depp stars in "Cap'n Crunch: Curse of the Black Crunchberry"

Fun Facts About Louisiana: The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (#18 - October 31) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...

Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"

Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.

The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.

The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.

Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.

The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"

The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.

The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].

Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"

The official soil of Louisiana is silt.

Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.

The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".

The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".

HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!

The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.

Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.

Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.

Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".

The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.

The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.

St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.

The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.

The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.

The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.

At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.

They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.

Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.

When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.

Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".

INTERVIEW POSTED

My interview is now posted at Basil's Blog. I'd like to thank and/or curse (as appropriate) everyone who submitted questions.

While you're there, check out the list of future interviewees to see if there's someone you'd like to pester. Questions can be submitted at any time, so don't wait until the last minute.

Although if you ARE the last-minute type, Oddybobo's questions close out tonight. Submit them to basil.interviews-at-gmail.com with subject "Questions for Oddybobo".

QUAGMIRE DEEPENS IN IRAQ

Yeah, lets pull out immediately, because we're obviously bogged down in the horrors of:

(click to enlarge)

Shahama School in Diwaniyah Province holds a ribbon cutting to open expanded school for 400 children.

School construction

and

(click to enlarge)

Now, the water carried home is so pure many do not bother to treat it prior to use. The U.S. Army Corps of Engineers (USACE) is providing oversight for a number of water projects for 34 villages surrounding northern Iraq’s largest city, Mosul.

Clean water

You can learn about other war-related "tragedies" by checking the CentCom home page and/or subscribing to the free CentCom weekly newsletter.

FILL OUT COMMENT FORMS FAST

Do you have favorite blogs that don't remember your information in the comment section from one visit to the next?

Do you use Firefox as your browser?

If you answered "yes" to both of these, here's a handy solution:

The "Signature" extension for Firefox.

Now frequently-used snippets of text are just a right-click away.

[Hat tip: _Jon of We Swear, who also points out these other extensions]

NOTE: [If you've found this post useful enough to blog about, send a trackback or e-mail the permalink to me at harvolson-at-gmail.com and I'll add you to my Bad Example Groupies blogroll. See this post for details]

DAMMIT! MEMED AGAIN! - UPDATED 11-19-05 6:40pm

Stacy of Dorannes.com passed the Alarm Clock Meme my way:

Yes. Generally whatever digital clock-radio alarm with snooze is selling for under $10 at Wal-Mart.

2. What time do you set it for?

Monday - Friday 6 am. Actually 5:45, since I like having my bedside clock run 15 minutes fast. Haven't figured out exactly why I do this. All my other clocks run within a minute or two of Network Television Time. This might make a good topic for a psychology paper.

3. Do you hit the snooze button? If so how many times?

Oh HELL yeah. Generally 3, but I've been known to play the snooze game for hours at a time on weekends. Drives Beloved Wife nuts.

4. Have you ever abused an alarm clock?

Only after it failed to wake me up. Alarm clocks that don't do their job are terminated with extreme prejudice, which is why I spend less than $10 on them.

5. It’s time to spread some “It’s Blogcess� linky love.

Oh, and what is blogcest? That's intellectual intercourse between blogs sharing a common ancestor, sometimes resulting in the creation of a new blogger.

Rules of the game, as far as I can figure them:

First: Copy and paste #1 - #5
(Make sure to link to: “It’s Blogcess�, which is the link in #5. Because it’s always polite to link to the one who started the linky love.)

Second: Link to my site (because it’s polite to link to the site that tagged you).

Third: Go and tag up to five other blogs, or more if ya like.

Fourth: Email the owner of, or post on the blogs that you have tagged, to inform them that you’ve tagged them.

Meme victims:

Speaking of blogcest, might as well pick on some of the family:

1) TNT of Smiling Dynamite: give her a chance to tell her side of the bed story.

2) The Babaganoosh: been too quiet lately.

3) Oddybobo of Boboblogger: she won't shut up. Might as well help her channel the energy.

4) Sarah the Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs: I don't pick on her enough.

5) _Jon of We Swear: I want to see how many times he can use the work f*** in this otherwise innocent meme.

UPDATE 11-19-05 6:40pm: Seems AJ is a little sad at being left out. So...:

6) AJ of Random Firing of Neurons.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is:
Running into her arms,
Colliding with her heart,
And exploding into her soul.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Charlie & the Chocolate Factory: The Director's Cut - Bonus Material: See Ringo Starr's screen test as he tries out for the part of Violet Beauregarde.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I love that you get cold when it's seventy degrees out. I love that it takes you an hour and a half to order a sandwich. I love that you get a little crinkle above your nose when you're looking at me like I'm nuts. I love that after I spend a day with you I can still smell your perfume on my clothes. And I love that you are the last person I want to talk to before I go to sleep at night.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill, not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(unmarked 100 Franc bill with image of topless woman)]

French Historical Fun Fact: In 1789, France invented the wardrobe malfuntion.

[Hat tip to Snopes and blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I could do without many things with no hardship.

You are not one of them!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

GRAFITTI CURRENCY?

(click to enlarge)

After working as a teller for a couple years, I actually started paying attention to all the paper that my fingers were flailing over. At first, my eyes were only caught by the out-of-the-ordinary bills, ones with blue or red Treasury seals, or interesting patterns to the serial numbers. I imagine most people get hooked on collecting paper money that way.

But the idea of trying to get "one of everything" didn't interest me. In the meantime, though, I became fascinated with the bills that were REALLY different. What I call graffiti currency.

These are bills that have been written on, drawn on, rubber-stamped, or otherwise imbued with the mark of one of their temporary owners. My collection also includes bills that are mangled, degraded, or mutilated, whether deliberately or through the vagaries of circulation.

In short, my collection is an attempt to answer the question that no one ever asks: "What's the worst looking bill anyone's ever brought into your bank?"

I posted that about 30 months ago as part of my very first blog entry. And it's taken a while, but I've made it through the entire collection. Since I'm no longer working for the bank, I'm not likely to be adding anything new except on rare occasions, although reader submissions are always welcome.

Meanwhile, since I doubt anyone has viewed the entire Graffiti Currency archives, it's probably safe to start recycling the pictures - possibly the captions, too, depending on the vagaries of my muse.

I QUESTION THEIR PATRIOTISM!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.

Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.

But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.

Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.

On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!

For example:

Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?

Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.

Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.

It's A Pundit - Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.

Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.

ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.

"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"

Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:

* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I'll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American

We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.

Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.

Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You will only find one true love in your life
And if you're lucky
You'll get to spend the rest of your life with her.

[to which I added]

LUCKY HARV!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

GLAD SHE DIDN'T USE *MY* CREDIT CARD

When ArmyWife goes boot shopping, she doesn't f*** around:

(click to enlarge)

I THOUGHT THIS ONE WAS FAIRLY OBVIOUS

After having "automotive issues", blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice sums it up thusly:

"Men and their cars. I don’t get it."

Why do men love things that run smoothly for the longest time, then sputter for no reason?

Why do men love things become suddenly non-functional with no warning?

Why do men love things that respond with an indifferent clicking noise in the morning, just because you forgot one little wrist-flick to the ignition the night before?

Why do men love things that set off frightening alarms and warning lights when - in truth - the thing that's being warned of is NOT the actual cause?

Why do men love things that are temperamental and tricky to operate, requiring awkward maneuvers to keep running - maneuvers they never taught you in school, that you had to discover through trial and error, and that are never the same from one love object to the next?

I have no freakin' clue.

But I imagine that it's the same reason men love women.

PASTOR OF MUPPETS?

That sound you hear is Jim Henson rolling over in his grave.

VERY quickly.

Heavy metal & muppetry were NEVER meant to go together.

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks, you WILL burn in hell for this abomination.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories, that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only. Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[Mockingbird Hill 'The Alternative' HWY 115 & 60]

Just down the road from the old Munster place.

*FLIPS COIN*

Bush lied.

Bush didn't lie.

Compare, contrast, decide.

Meanwhile, I can't help noticing that the "Bush Lied" bit doesn't cite sources.

[Hat tip to blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities for that second link. As an odd coincidence to the NPR reference she made in the title of her post, Wisconsin Public Radio JUST had the author of the "Bush Lied" thing on for an hour on Friday.]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are my heart, my soul, and all that I am. I love you more with every breath I take and my love renews every time I think about you. I am glad to have the honor of being yours.

You are my friend, my love, my queen, and the woman I cherish with all the energy that I can draw from my heart.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

Notice of Class Action Lawsuit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Just got a letter in the mail today:

Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.

Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.

Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:

This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:

* Fear of looking up at the night sky
* Attacking Iraq to steal its oil
* Uncontrollable urges to blow stuff up in order to keep other countries in line.

If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.

And MONEY!

[signed]
Glenn Reynolds

Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.

VETERANS' DAY 2005

To those who served: Thank you.

To those currently serving: Thank you.

To the civilians circa 1985-1991: You're welcome.

My suggestion for the best way to thank the troops?

1) Enjoy life in a free country. A gift ain't a gift unless it's enjoyed. Do something fun.

2) Be the kind of American who's worth fighting for.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Basil's Blog Tip: Haloscan trackbacks but not comments, part 2

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: Who or what will Evil Glenn be bringing a class action lawsuit against? due by 11pm EDT Friday, November 11th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Paris is Burning

New Precision Guided Humor Assigment: Is the Mainstream Media patriotic? Why or why not?

SPAM E-MAIL SUBJECT LINE OF THE DAY

"Wanna be hung like a Pringles can?"

Now THAT'S intriguing imagery...

GRUDGINGLY ADMITTING THE USEFULNESS OF INSTAPUNDIT

Yeah, I mock him for his puppy-blending habit, but today Glenn Reynolds posted something worthwhile:

STEVEN DEN BESTE IS BACK BLOGGING, over at RedState.

Ironically, Steven has yet to post anything of "Den Bestian" length, and his first few posts exhibit the tentative rustiness of someone who's been out of the game for a while.

However, his most recent post on how the French will likely defeat the rioters begins to exhibit the insightful polish which first addicted me to USS Clueless.

I expect he'll be back in top form by the end of the month at the latest.

Meanwhile, go ahead and bookmark him now to avoid the rush.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[new note, not previously posted]

You are to me - as pen, ink, and a Muse to the poet - the very breath and substance of my existence.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[83]

Answer to the question: "What is the average number of factual errors in a typical New York Times article?"

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[new note, not previously posted]

That's a stunningly sexy teddy you're wearing. Why don't we see how it looks crumpled up in a ball on the floor?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[St Jude pray for us]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Rejected Beatles Lyrics Dollars". Coming soon: "Lucy in the sky on acid", and "All you need is love and a sturdy condom".

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Basil's Blog Tip: Haloscan trackbacks but not comments

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder: What are the root causes of all the rioting in France? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, November 9th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Who or what will Evil Glenn be bringing a class action lawsuit against?

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn - The Musical

Friday Linky Stuff

PUNKIN' CHUNKIN'!!!

... and HOW

Back in my "Fun Facts About Delaware" post, I mentioned this:

Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.

Now the thing is, that first sentence is actually true, and Tina - a friend of this year's 2nd place team - e-mailed me a link to the official Punkin' Chunkin' page, which tells the tale thusly:

November 6, 2005 - The last three throws turned out to be the most wild ending for the 20th World Championships.

First, PumpkinHammer wowed the crowd when they came within one foot of hitting a Spotter truck.

Next, Yankee Siege broke the world record throwing an unbelievable 1,702 feet.

Last, King Arthur put a 1,000 foot shot straight up into the air, landing in the crowd. Fortunately, no one was injured, but the crowd went wild!!!

Videos available at the link.

Thanks, Tina!

THE MYSTERIES OF A CATHOLIC WEDDING

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Over at Mountaineer Musings, SarahK says that her sister was a little... unclear... on Catholic wedding traditions:

she was very confused. she said that at first, she thought maybe it was a Catholic thing, having the groom’s name on his own goblet and his mother’s name on the bride’s goblet. she’s not known many Catholics so she thought it might be one of their traditions.

Having attended several Catholic weddings myself, I have to say that Sizzle - and probably SarahK, too - are BOTH in for a few surprises.

Since weddings are stressful enough, here's a list of little-known (although actually quite common) Catholic wedding rituals:

* Doritoes Xtreme Nacho Communion wafers

* Bride & groom both drag heavy, wooden crosses up the aisle. More Passion of the Christ means more Passion of the Couple.

* Bride slips the priest a $20 to skip the "if anyone here objects to this marriage" bit.

* Groom slips the priest a $100 to put it back in.

* Bride & groom gargle with holy water so that if they give their vows with a false heart, their tongues shall burst into flame.

* Bride & groom are encouraged to have a Best Fireman, and Extinguisher of Honor, respectively - just in case.

* Bibles in pews replaced by "Uncle John's Bathroom Reader", since these Catholic ceremonies tend to drag on a bit.

* After the words "man and wife" are pronounced, attendees charge the choir area for moshing and crowd-surfing.

* Please note that - since Catholic churches are considered "holy ground" - the beheading of fellow immortals is strictly prohibited during the ceremony.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

True love is the greatest thing in the world…
Except for cough drops…
Everyone knows that.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HOW TO FIND A TRACKBACK URL WHEN THE SERVER'S DOWN

(Inspired by a question from currently blogless nephew Mike, who actually did a guest post at That's Not Very Nice!)

In order to find the trackback URL for a post, you typically have to click a link to make the trackback URL show up in a pop-up window.

An increasingly common problem with MuNu blogs is that the trackback server returns an error screen. It's only a temporary glitch, and always clears up eventually, but you want to ping the post NOW!

What can you do?

Well, the trackback URL *is* buried in the page's source code. Here's how to find it:

Now, at the top of your browser, go the the "View" menu and choose "Page Source" (if using IE, it's "View"->"Source".

Somewhere in that alphabet soup is the trackback URL you're looking for. The way to find it is to search for the following string of text (you can probably just hit "CTRL+F" to make the "find text" dialog box pop up):

trackback:ping

this will be followed by the trackback URL in quotes. Usually something like:

http://blog.mu.nu/cgi/mt-tb.cgi/xxxxxx

It'll definitely have the letters "tb" in it, so you'll know you're looking at the trackback URL.

NOTE: [If you've found this post useful enough to blog about, send a trackback or e-mail the permalink to me at harvolson-at-gmail.com and I'll add you to my Bad Example Groupies blogroll. See this post for details]

THE BLOGGER DECK OF CARDS

Aaron of Aaron's CC is taking your nominations for bloggers who should appear on his official Blogger Deck of Cards.

I found out about this via Gullyborg of Resistance is Futile, who wants to be the Jack of Spades.

I'll second that one. Gullyborg runs the Carnival of Cordite, which had a LOT to do with me getting blogson Peter of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack pushed out of the womb into a blog of his own, so I owe him a debt of thanks on that one.

...now let's talk about me.

Look, Aaron has this ostensibly sensible plan that Hearts should be reserved for women bloggers.

Fair enough - his blog, his rules... whatever.

But considering that I've posted well over 400 Love Notes in the last couple years, all for celebrating the bond between myself and Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite, I think I damn well deserve the 2 of Hearts.

"But Harv," you say, "why not the Ace or King or Jack of Hearts? You know... something with prestige?"

Because I'm not about to post my picture, so the face card would have to feature my stupid little cartoon head - and that's just a waste.

As well as an insult to the pretty women who ought to grace those cards.

So I want to aim low, bend the rules, and get what I think I truly deserve:

VOTE BAD EXAMPLE FOR 2 OF HEARTS!

MORE BLOGMEET BS - AND PICTURES, TOO!

BS from Matty O'Blackfive.

Pictures from Beth Who Will Be Obeyed.

By the way, Chatty O'Blackfive finally posted a link to his FoxNews interview. Seems they left out the best parts.

OPERATION ENDURING SERVICE

Hurricanes are evil and cause problems.

Gov't response can be... sub-par.

Phin of Phin's Blog reports that someone is trying to be part of the solution:

Beauchamp Tower Corporation has created Operation Enduring Service which will utilize obsolete military ships to provide emergency relief and disaster response at no cost to the taxpayers and a savings to the government of at least $100 million.

The catch is that, being gov't property, there needs to be gov't authorization to make this happen, and Phin lists a few constipated leglislators who need to get enemas from their constituents on this issue. If you own one of these Congresscritters, please irrigate them.

Without this legislation the Corporate Donors will withdraw, the ships will no longer be available and the emergency relief program will collapse; thus leaving the disaster response efforts to be further mishandled by FEMA.

...and NOBODY wants that.

INTERVIEW APPROACHING

My how time flies. I almost forgot about this.

Basil of Basil's Blog is doing blogger interviews. If you've got any nosy questions for me, they're due by Friday, November 11th.

See this post for details.

Also, blogdaughter Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger has her interview coming up shortly after mine. Her questions close out the 19th.

Sadly, the questions are NOT anonymous, however I *expect* you folks to have exactly zero restraint or taste, so don't worry about offending me.

BROADWAY GLENN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard Reynolds produced a new Broadway musical, loosely based on T.S. Eliot's book of poems, "Old Hobo's Book of Puréed Puppies" or something... (see extended entry)

GOOD QUESTION

"Why do Kentucky girls have dirty heels?"

Someone claims that that's the set-up line to some tawdry joke, but they don't know the punchline.

Apparently, neither does Google.

Any ideas?

CRAP. I GIVE UP.

No more betting on the Pack for me. Playing at home against Charlie Freakin' Third-String Batch and they couldn't even make it a one-score game.

At this point, I'll be content with 4-12 at the end of the season.

Meanwhile, here's part of Nick's pound-o-flesh:

More to come...

FUN FACTS ABOUT KENTUCKY: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#17 - October 19) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...

Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.

The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".

In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.

Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.

The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.

While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.

They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.

The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".

When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".

The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.

The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."

This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".

There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.

Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.

Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.

Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.

Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.

The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.

Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"

The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.

Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.

Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.

Or Auntie Mom.

The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.

The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.

Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"

Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.

Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.

The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".

The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.

The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I love you
Because the Earth turns
Round the sun
Because the North wind
Blows North sometimes
Because the Pope is Catholic
And most Rabbis Jewish
Because winters flow into springs
And the air clears after a storm
Because only my love for you
Despite the charms of gravity
Keeps me from falling off this Earth
Into another dimension

I love you
Because it is the natural order of things

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

VALOUR-IT FUNDRAISER

Matty O'Blackfive says it so well that I'm pretty much stealing his post, except I fixed the typos where he talked about supporting the Army team.

Valour-IT's online fundraising competition begins today! Let's see who can raise the most money to help reconnect our wounded warriors with the world!

WHAT: Friendly fundraising competition for Valour-IT.
WHEN: November 2nd through Veterans Day (the 11th).
WHERE: Based in the blogosphere, spreading everywhere else.
WHY: Because giving wounded warriors with hand and arm injuries access to a computer supports their healing and puts them back in touch with the world.
HOW: Blogger teams will be divided along military branches, with civilians "up for grabs."

The lines are drawn by service rivalry:

Jarheads (Marines) will be led by Holly Aho
Zoomies (Air Force) will be led by Mrs. Greyhawk
Squids (Navy) will be led by Mrs. Smash.
Doggies (Army) led by Blackfive

Non-military bloggers should choose a branch the Army the Navy to support.

Additional information: every donor during this time will receive a Soldiers' Angels Coin.

What Valour-IT Needs From You:

• Blog and email regularly about Valour-IT and the competition
• Tell your friends, family and neighbors about Valour-IT
• Put up these flyers around your community (I put one up at my local Starbucks).

So all you bloggers sign up with your choice of service and get the word out.  Donate NOW!!!

It's a tax-deductible donation and eligible for
matching funds from companies who do that sort of
thing (see:
http://soldiersangels.org/valour/irsinfo.html for
proof for the cautious)

The snail mail address for those who'd rather
donate that way (scroll down at:
http://soldiersangels.org/valour/donate.html).

Let's be a part of something big.

CELEBRITY LOOK-ALIKE BLOGGERS

In the comments to this post, there's a debate going on about which famous person Princess Cat of A Swift Kick and a Band-Aid most resembles.

Which got me wondering... have you ever been told that you resemble someone famous?

With me, it's:

Michael Gross

Christopher Lloyd (as Rev. Jim from Taxi)

Abraham Lincoln

If you've got lookalikes, spout off in the comments. A link to a pic of your doppleganger would be nice if you can drop one in there.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I cannot exist without you
I am forgetful of everything but seeing you again
My life seems to stop there
I see no further.
You have absorbed me.
I have a sensation at the present moment as though I were dissolving
I have been astonished that men could die martyrs for religion
I have shuddered at it
I shudder no more
I could be martyred for my religion
Love is my religion
I could die for that
I could die for you
My creed is love, and you are its only tenet
You have ravished me away by a power I cannot resist.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

MY GIRL JUST LIKES BREAKIN' HEARTS

My cat Amber has responded to the romantic advances of her stalker.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I swore to myself
It wouldn’t happen again
I vowed to myself
That this was the end.
The end of this longing,
This yearning so strong.
I said I was over you,
But oh, I was wrong.
Now here it is again,
Quite a while later.
And my love for you
Is now even greater.
I spend all my time
Thinking of you,
I’m in love with you again
And there’s nothing I can do.

NOTE: I first started dating the woman who would one day become my Beloved Wife shortly after I joined the Navy in 1986. In the 12 years that followed, we broke up & got back together at least half a dozen times. Our love continually oscillated between ember and inferno. Eventually, however, we realized how much we meant to each other, and after one particularly romantic evening in 1998, we caught fire in a way that would shame the sun. We were married less than a year later, and have been blazing ever since.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[1992 2810 2087]

[After choosing the $200 answer under the category "Significant Numbers" on Jeopardy]

"What are 'the number of tears cried by Nancy Pelosi, Ted Kennedy, and Howard Dean, respectively, over not being able to get an indictment against Karl Rove?'"

[Hat tip to bloggranddaughter Sarah The Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs for finding this one for me]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What will Evil Glenn's Broadway musical be about? due by 11pm EDT Friday, November 4th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: U.N.Happy Birthday

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What are the root causes of all the rioting in France?

Phin's blogging tip: How to display HTML code

IN TENNESSEE DID STRAIGHT WHITE GUY A STATELY PLEASURE DOME DECREE

Short version: Me & Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite went to Tennessee over the weekend to attend a blogmeet at Straight White Eric's house. Eat, drink, talk, laugh, sleep, repeat until it's time to go to the airport.

Long version in the extended entry:...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Alone I dare not climb.
With you I reach new heights.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

MMMM... SHOOTIN' PR0N

Courtesy of blogson Peter of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack, who could really use one of these:

ATTENTION CLOSET MASOCHISTS

Anyone who would like to be verbally abused (in the fun way) should go visit my niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!

Bonus points for using the phrase "do you have the hots for..."

I'M PROBABLY GONNA REGRET THIS

But, as I've said before, "Things get... odd... when Favre gets involved."

So, yeah, Nick, I'll take the Packers against the Steelers this week.

Stakes are team logos and a post to be named later.

ROLLIN', ROLLIN', ROLLIN'

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities is having issues with her bank:

I had taken some coins in to the bank to get them changed... They don't have a coin counter!!! UN-FRIGGIN-BELIEVABLE! She told me I'd have to put them into coin wrappers and bring them back!

Coin handling policies & equipment vary wildly from one financial institution to the next and there's no rhyme or reason to it.

So instead of wasting your time rolling coins, it's probably better to waste the time making phone calls to any nearby bank or credit union, and ask 2 questions:

1) do you have a coin counter?
2) is there a charge to use it if you're not a customer?

I'd bet it wouldn't take long to get "yes, no".

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Through all the shadows of doubt, there is one thing I know for certain: I can't live without you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HAVE A CHEAP AND SLUTTY HALLOWEEN!

My blogless friend Corey made the following observation in a recent e-mail:

I forgot to mention the interesting trend in celebrating Halloween that is going on here at the college. Several of my female students remarked that they were going to parties dressed as "slutty farmgirls" or "wicked fairies." Is this holiday shifting from a focus on candy for kids to dishinhibition for adults? Also, I can't believe how many people now decorate for Halloween with lights and all kinds of yard ornaments.

I think Halloween has always had a slutty adult theme for folks who aren't tied down by family values. I seem to recall that when I went to Halloween parties at bars, there was usually a large assortment of corsetted wenches, diaphonous harem girls, and short-skirted cheerleaders.

Maybe he's just noticing it more now because he's becoming a crotchety old man :-)

As for the lights & ornaments, that IS something that's been growing recently. I suspect that it's because China has been expanding its manufacturing base, and impressive-looking, holiday-themed, outdoor ornamentation (on sale now at your local Wal-Mart: "Always tacky crap - Always") has become cheaper to produce to the point that it now fits well within most people's "it's only $xx" budget segment.

IT'S SAFE TO COME OUT NOW - HE'S PASSED OUT ON THE FLOOR

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks no longer has stress in his life after mastering "Yoga Projection Therapy" and "Art Appreciation 101".

If you've had a bad day yourself, you might want to give these (or one of his other suggestions) a try.

YET ANOTHER REASON NOT TO POST A PICTURE TITLED "SHAVED PUSSY"

Looks like Amber's got her first stalker...

BUSTED!

Look, I was just trying to show the damn Packers running backs how to move the ball down the field.

Hope they were taking notes. There's going to be a quiz next week.

THINGS KIDS SHOULDN'T TRY AT HOME

Answering e-mail from Nigerians.

Giving credit card numbers to telemarketers.

Taking candy from strangers.

Answering the telephone with "My parents aren't home right now. I'm here by myself".

Opening executable files attached to e-mails.

Posting pictures of themselves in their underwear on the internet.

Writing their first and last name on a dollar bill and spending it.

(see first comment at the link)

(see also this blog's tagline)

MILBLOGGING: CENTRALIZED FOR YOUR CONVENIENCE

The tagline says it all:

Welcome to Milblogging.com, a daily snapshot of the top milblogs, milblogs by country, and other cool stuff in the military blogosphere.

Check it out.

JEWEL STAITE... *DROOL*

Real live picture of her at DragonCon (complete with cleavage and navel) courtesy of Sandor at the Zoo (scroll down to the 5th pic).

The stormtrooper medic is pretty cool, too, although I don't know why they need one, since they always seem to die after you shoot them.

Worst. Armor. Ever.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder:

Your Precision Guided Humor Assignment:
How should the UN's 60th birthday be celebrated? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, November 2nd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What will Evil Glenn's Broadway musical be about?

Basil's Blog Tip: Making your Blogger blogroll show up on the archive pages.

Also, he has some important questions about your choice of blogging software:

What do you dislike about Blogger? If you used to have a Blogger blog and moved, why? If you looked at several options and rejected Blogger, why? If you are currently on Blogger and want to move, why?

Spout off in the comments at the link above.

Filthy Round-Up: Yay! We're Nazis

A couple of Filthy Lies that got missed in the round-up

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Together we’re in this relationship
We built it with care to last the whole trip
Our true destination’s not marked on any chart
We’re navigating the shores of the heart.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(click to enlarge)

[St. Lazurus! Anyone who receives this will win a lot of money if they re-write this on 10 bills]

Hmmm... wonder what would happen if I wrote this on 10 boobies?

ALL RIGHT... WHICH ONE OF YOU BASTARDS SHAVED MY PUSSY?

Turn my back for 3 short days, and I come home to this:

(click to enlarge)

Now all of you... OUT!!!

...and next time, would someone PLEASE bring Depends for Madfish Willie?...