EVIL GLENN'S NEW YEAR

(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2006... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about these 284 posts?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to cut down... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2006.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to post whatever I want at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you'll be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go, um... milk the cow.

[click]

I didn't know Evil Glenn had a farm...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

[hat tip to blogson _Jon of We Swear for this one]

Cold Feet
---------

Her feet are always so cold when she got into bed.
We play games using body parts to warm them up.
But some parts of her body are always hot.
Not just in bed.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)
[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(hat, mascara, postage stamp moustache)]

Presidential Fun Fact:
Alexander Hamilton once starred in a community theater production of the musical "Springtime for Hitler".

FOOTBALL TRIVIA QUESTION

While perusing the Football 101 page at About.com, I came across this summary of penalties, and the bottom one caught my eye:

Touchdown Awarded (Palpably Unfair Act)

1. When Referee determines a palpably unfair act deprived a team of a touchdown. (Example: Player comes off bench and tackles runner apparently en route to touchdown.)

Is anyone aware of this penalty ever actually having been handed out?

HOW TO FIND A SOLUTION TO A NON-SPECIFIC TROUBLING PROBLEM

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World is mired in mental confusion:

I don't know what I'm fussin' about. Honestly. I'm just mad at me. If I knew why I'd forgive myself and tell me to get over it. That's the problem. I don't know why.

Here's my suggestion:

Pen, notebook, quiet place.

At the top of the sheet of paper, write the question you want the answer to. Perhaps in this case "Why does my life feel unbalanced?"

Then just start writing whatever falls out of your head for about 15 minutes or so. Doesn't have to make sense. Doesn't even have to be legible. It's for your eyes only, so feel free to write ANYTHING, since no one else will ever see it. Feel free to throw it away when you're done.

Your problem is that your mind is currently a clogged sink. There's a wad a greasy muck in your mental pipes, but you can't get at it because your head is full of the standing water of muddled thoughts.

Writing down the muddle is like bailing out the sink. With the murky water out of the way, you can start to work on clearing the clog.

Which you can do by getting a fresh sheet of paper and topping it with a more direct problem-solving question, like "How can I get [thing that would make your life feel more balanced]?"

Of course, if you're not much for writing, there's always prayer. Try this one:

"God, if I asked you why my life felt unbalanced, what would you say?"

Then sit quietly and listen. I suspect you'll get an answer within 5 minutes, as God (just like everyone else) tends to be prompt when giving advice to someone who asks for it willingly.

Hope that helps.

TODAY'S EUPHEMISM FOR MALE MASTURBATION

"Milking the cow"

Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

GOING WITH THE TREND

Blogson Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative is doing it.

Blogdaughter Pam of Camp HappyBadFun is doing it.

I know Susie of Practical Penumbra did it. More than once.

Now it's my turn.

A picture of my parents, from back in the day:

(click to enlarge)

It's December 30th, 1942, and they've been married all of about 3 hours

Mom's 18. Dad's 26. The first of 8 children is still almost 2 years away.

Standing in a snowbank in Antigo, Wisconsin, but I'll bet neither one of them was feeling cold.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

To the best of my knowledge, I don't believe I've told you lately about the thrill I feel when our lips meet. Chills run down my spine, electricity fills the air, and I am paralyzed, for just an instant, while my heart catches up to the emotional overload my brain feels. Then comes the warmth, and the rush of passion fills the air while I see clouds explode into broadening, deafening sunlight. I then melt, deep into the arms of my love, my friend, my companion, my everything. You are my perfect angel. I love you so deeply...

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(lipstick lip imprint)]

Monica's first President.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How will Evil Glenn ring in the New Year? is due by 11pm EST Friday, December 30th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Blogger Inline Comments

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What children's book will Saddam be writing?

FLIRT VODKA

The official vodka of the Bad Example Family

(technically worksafe, but hard to explain)

[Hat tip: Blogson _Jon of We Swear]

UPDATE: Because of the popularity of the ad images, the home page for the company that makes the stuff is nearly impossible to find. It's made by the Bulgarian company Vinprom Peshtera, at whose site you can find some interesting commercials.

Those who've actually tasted the stuff say it's pretty good.

DROP A PENCIL IN IT

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice asks an interesting question:

"women hate it when men's pants are hanging THAT low that the upper part of their backside is fully exposed when they bend down.

I am sure there are exceptions, but overall, women think its gross.

So here is my question. Do men think this is unattractive for women to expose the same part?

Believe it or not, I'd have to say no on the butt crack.

The thing I like about the rear view of a woman is the curve of her hips and the round bottom of her butt cheeks.

If she's wearing low-rise jeans and she's squatting, I assume the curve of her hips is being cruelly cut into by her waistband and - regardless of how shapely she is - she'll be suffering the "muffin effect".

Not a good look for ANY woman.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Everything I do and everything I see
Is more beautiful and wonderful because of my love for you.
When you smile, your eyes of warmest brown,
Light up like a cool summer's night.
Sending shivers over my body much to my delight.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[200]

Number of Sony executives who deserve to have the living crap beat out of them for that root kit copy protection fiasco.

THINK HAPPY THOUGHTS

In a fit of holiday cheerfulness, Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite suggests that you should post about what you like best about yourself.

I pick up the gauntlet thusly:

My uncanny ability to quote something out of context and make it sound like a euphemism for something dirty.

It's a *gift*, people.

Your turn.

Yeah, you can use my comments section (or TNT's) if you want, but wouldn't you rather post it at your place? You're probably burned out from all your Christmas activities anyway, and this makes for a nice, low-effort entry.

HOW MANY .22 ROUNDS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A POSSUM IN YOUR GARAGE?

A-one...

A-Twoo-hoo...

Three.

Blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! has your critter-huntin' report available at her place.

FRITZFEST '06

Still time to add your name to the list of people attending the biggest, coldest, and firstest blogmeet of 2006:

I CAN'T BELIEVE SHE SAID THAT!

Bloggranddaughter Sissy of And What Next... has her interview posted at Basil's Blog.

Some out-of-context excerpts:

"her pelvic bone and I"

"in a pitcher"

"I’ve never felt"

"All I Wanna Do Is Make Love To You"

"can’t find the picture"

"I also have a couple of other people I know who I think would be good, but I’m still working on them"

"I thought by now I would have given it up"

"I could get into some good trouble with it"

Go see Basil to find out if Sissy's as naughty as she sounds.

WHEN BLOGKIDS BICKER...

Daddy's gotta step in.

And, as usual, I'm taking the girl's side, because Tammi's so delicate & helpless.

Here's the deal. Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review is holding some of blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World's pretty glassware hostage and is asking for ransom.

"Help! Help!" says Tammi.

Actually, it was "if I can just figure out a way to twist Contagion's demands and put 'em back on him........I wish I were more devious", but that's close enough.

How DOES one respond to a ransom demand?

Why, with blackmail, of course.

Hopefully Tammi can get a little leverage out of Contagion's darkest secret (see extended entry):

YAY! I'M A WINNER!

Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff was having a contest with a delightful prize assortment awarded to the person who referred her 250,000th visitor.

Since I'm da man, I get the fabled "bucket o' stuff".

I'm thinkin' the bucket will make a great shotglass.

Not sure what I'll use the shotglass for...

GUY TALK

On occasion, I get people asking about some of the comments left by Madfish Willie. They'll say something like, "What's up with him? How come you let him troll your comments like that?"

Troll?

Hell, that ain't trolling, that's male bonding.

#1 guy rule - if someone you like says something rude, it's meant as a compliment. It's a way of saying "I think you're tough enough to take a verbal punch, and I think you're clever enough to give better right back."

Women, however, play a completely different game. With them (all too often) if you say something that can be taken as either completely innocent or mean & hurtful, they'll assume it's the mean & hurtful one (See rule #29).

And oh MY can they be acrobatic about extracting the wrong meaning.

Probably a habit formed over a lifetime of talking with other women, since when one woman says something ambiguous to another woman, she's usually getting in a cleverly-disguised little dig.

It's simply too unladylike to be mean in an upfront fashion, ya know. Gotta be catty about it.

On the other hand, maybe my mind's been poisoned from watching "Desperate Housewives".

SLIGHTLY LESS PISSED

Gmail's back, so you can use that address again.

Would've been nice if they'd dropped me a line after they re-enabled access to my account instead of letting me guess.

Wouldn't mind knowing what the hell happened, too.

WELL... *THAT'S* A PISSER...

Tried to log into my Gmail account (which I didn't touch over the weekend) hoping to spend the day whittling down my insane backlog of communications, and got this message:

Our system indicates unusual usage of your account. In order to protect Gmail users from potentially harmful use of Gmail, this account has been disabled for up to 24 hours.

If you are using any third party software that interacts with your Gmail account, please disable it or adjust it so that its use complies with the Gmail Terms of Use. If you feel that you have been using your Gmail account according to the Terms of Use or otherwise normally, please contact us at gmail-lockdown@google.com to report this problem.

Still waiting on a response.

Meanwhile, use harvolson-at-charter.net for urgent communications.

The Truth About Iran

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The daylight faded into darkness and still he sat, waiting patiently for her to wake. He studied the line of her body as she lay sleeping, the curve of her hip and shoulder, the soft rounding of her back. She was such a tiny thing, just a little bit of flesh and bone beneath the coverings, the smallest spark of life. He marveled at the texture of her skin, at the coloring, the absence of flaws. She might have been molded by some great artist whose reflection and skill had created a once-and-only masterpiece...

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge images)

THE QUESTION:

[You're really hott What's your #?]

THE ANSWER:

[Not now]

[Not ever]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Emptiness is filled with richness and reward
Promises are kept as into forever we voyage
What was once storm-tossed now is serene
Love shared awakens new beginnings
Forever doesn't seem long enough
Vows are made, yearnings are fulfilled
Passion and tenderness envelops us
We feel the warmth of souls united
Forever doesn't seem long enough

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[UR #1]

No... I mean you smell like urine.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is a burning desire,
That makes your heart light on fire,
Love is being with you,
Someone saying I love you, too,
Love is your tender kiss,
Something you don't want to miss,
Love is you and me,
And that is all I see.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Josh]

George jots a quick note to remind himself not to always be so darn serious when chatting with foreign dignitaries.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What stupid thing will Iran say next? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, December 21st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Christmas

Friday Linky Stuff

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Dreams are wishes... wants... desires
From the deepest corners of your heart.
But how do we fulfill our needs?
Where's the best place to start?
Is there an age that we must be?
Must a lesson have been learned?
Can just anyone fulfill their dreams?
Or must our dreams be earned?
If I could have my heart's desire,
It could easily come true.
To make mine a world of happiness,
All I'll ever want is you.
My dream is but a simple one,
Yet sometimes hard to acquire.
Just someone to give me sweet, sweet love
And fill my soul with fire.
But dreams can also show themselves,
And take you by surprise.
Consume your world with happiness,
Promising no goodbyes.
It suddenly appears
My dreams have come to life.
I'm living in my dream world
With you for all my life.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Hamilton with red hair and beard)]

Looks like Mr. Hamilton was out earning his red wings, BIG time.

A LITTLE CHRISTMAS MUSIC

Guest Poster Tina of We Swear wants to re-title some Christmas songs.

Which reminds me of what I did to Holly Jolly Christmas last year. I was debating re-posting it, but it IS a holiday classic so what the hell...

Well, it seems that everybody's favorite chubby, squinty-eyed, folk-singer/snowman, Burl Ives, belted out one too many verses of "Holly Jolly Christmas" and the tenuous thread by which my sanity was hanging snapped like a beatnick's fingers.

Consequently, I was inspired to turn this cheerful little holiday ditty into something dark and twisted. I've placed it in the extended entry to protect those less Grinched-out than myself.

Here's a midi file if you want to sing along. Ignore the 5 second intro and quit after about 51 seconds, unless you want to repeat some verses.

WIN OR LOSE, EVERYONE WINS

Some thoughts on the recent Iraqi elections from blogson Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores:

All across the nation, people are committed to this process. Now, I’m not blind. I can see a couple different reasons for people voting, and not all of them are positive. Some Iraqis want to install a hard-line Islamic theocracy in the model of Iran. Some Iraqis are voting simply because they figure if the process works, then the Americans will leave. But most, I think, are voting because they actually give a damn what happens to their country and want a safe environment for their families and children. They want a say in how things run. And even the folks who are only voting as a means to the end of gettin’ us gone… well, that’s fine by me.

Because, you see, they can hate us or they can love us. But as long as they respect us, and love their kids more than they hate us… hell, I’ll call that a win.

Of course, the MSM still doesn't get it. According to Matty O'Blackfive, CNN's coverage includes year old film footage.

Hey, whatever it takes to make America look bad, right?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

O happy hours when I may once more encircle within these arms the dearest object of my love - when I shall again feel the pressure of that "aching head" which will delight to recline upon my bosom, when I may again press to my heart which palpitates with the purest affection that loved one who has so long shared its undivided attention.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Serial number 69696986]

"Okay, wait. If you guys are really us, what number are we thinking of?"

How Evil Glenn Stole The Christmas Assignment

(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The Beauty that beholds me when I look upon you,
is like a tidal wave crashing down upon me,
both mesmerizing and stunning.
Warm and enveloping it is,
it brings ecstasy to know that it is mine.
How I wish to hold it,
to hold you, forever.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Arnold Schwarzenegger goes back in time to free the slaves in:

"Terminator 4: Rise of the Republicans"

FRITZFEST '06

Still time to sign up for Illinois' premier blogmeet of 2006 (January 8th)

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom has a dedicated page set up to track things.

See who's going.

Decide what they're eating.

Insult the host...

Ok, do that last one at Drunken Wisdom.

Just One Little Tweak

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

All I need is my one star in the sky to wish for you every day.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)
[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[RUSH LIMBAUGH iS A BiG FAT iDiOT]

Although, ironically, not idiot enough to dot capital letter I's...

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What will Evil Glenn be doing for Christmas? due by 11pm EDT Friday, December 16th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Blogger's TrackBack Alternative, Part II

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Honing the Patriot Act

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What stupid thing will Iran say next?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I may not be totally perfect...
But parts of me are excellent!

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: PAID)]

Considering how Mary Todd had been acting lately, Abe figured that this was as close as he was going to get to "laid" for quite a while.

SO... WHAT HAPPENED TO TOOKIE *AFTER* THE EXECUTION

Josh of Quibbles & Bits takes a look at what the afterlife has in store for him.

(strong language alert)

DON'T READ THIS POST!

From Blogson _Jon of We Swear:

1. Finish the sentence: "I wish I ..."
- - Basically, pretend you had up to three wishes to change something about you. A restriction is that cannot wish to change someone else. For example, you can say; "I wish I weighed 30 pounds less." But this wish is not for this meme; "I wish my spouse weighed 30 pounds less."
2. If you are reading this, you are "tagged" with this meme.

It is not necessary to send me any notice.
I just wanna spread some wishes around.

I *told* you not to read this post! Do you people ALWAYS just skim right past blog entry titles?

Sheesh!

Anyway, I answer thusly:

I wish I had time to play Serious Sam 2 - I need more cartoon violence in my life.

I wish I could figure out how to use Photoshop worth a damn - it's the least intuitive piece of software I've ever seen.

I wish I could get "O Christmas Tree" out of my head. I blame the Charlie Brown Christmas Special.

I DON'T GET IT

How do you wear out a bra?

Is there THAT much friction going on in there?

Strikes me as odd, somehow...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is a burning desire,
That makes your heart light on fire,
Love is being with you,
Someone saying I love you, too,
Love is your tender kiss,
Something you don't want to miss,
Love is you and me,
And that is all I see.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Well, when grandma gets liquored up, she tends to run around the house naked, whacking everything in sight with her lucky bingo marker.

HMMM...

From a post by Paul of Snooze Button Dreams:

She pointed at me. "If you go to the liquor store dressed like that, I’ll do anything you want."

I looked down at myself. I was wearing Snoopy pajama bottoms. Goofy looking, sky blue, ankle length pajama bottoms. Snoopy was printed all over them, wearing a nightcap and carrying a candle. I hate peanuts and I hate Snoopy…the origin of the things are another story.

To compliment the bottoms, I was wearing a wife beater and a pair of sad old slippers. I’m a pretty big guy (not fat) and I looked like a real asshole.

"What do you mean you’ll do anything I want?"

"Whatever weird, perverted, sexual thing that you’ve ever wanted but were afraid to ask for, I’ll do it. All you need to do is go to the liquor store dressed like that. Exactly like that. You can’t take the slippers off."

So... would YOU have gone to the liquor store dressed like that?

And if you're feeling brave, you can list the "anything" that you'd ask for.

JUST BECAUSE IT'S A FILTHY LIE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT TRUE

Where does Evil Glenn go for shivering-hot penguin porn?

Why, Pajamas Mediocrity, of course.

Which - let's be brutally honest - has more entertainment and/or instructional value (not to mention a better URL) than the site it's parodying.

Congratulations on more mayhem, Phin.

FUN FACTS ABOUT FOOTBALL

As part of the bet on the Packers-Steelers game a few weeks back, I had to write a post on the topic of Nick Queen's choosing. And so I present these:

* The Heisman trophy is actually a midget running-back frozen in carbonite.

* By rule, an instant replay review may take no more than 90 seconds unless the referee is determining whether a cheerleader is Janet Jacksoning on the sideline.

* Most football players write their names on their teeth so that they can pick them out of the "Lost and Found" pile at the end of the game.

* They wear earrings for the same reason.

* There are 1696 pro football players in the NFL, which technically qualifies them for endangered specied status.

* In France, football is played with an inflatable white flag and is called "surrenderball".

* Although most people consider football players "cool", I've yet to see one emerge victorious from hand-to-hand combat with a space alien like Captain Kirk.

* Because football players burn so much energy during a game, they must subsist on a purely vegetarian diet.

* By which I mean they eat vegetarians.

* You know... like cows, pigs, and chickens.

* Referees are the only people allowed on the football field during play without protective pads and helmets, since their miraculous regenerative powers and Adamantium skeletons make them unnecessary.

* If you encounter a football player on the street, lie down and play dead to avoid being attacked.

* The NFL's motto is "Like Rugby on Prozac"

* In America, "football" refers to the game played by the rules of the NFL. In Europe, "football" refers to soccer. In Japan, it refers to a particularly effective karate attack.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I could stay awake, just to hear you breathing
Watch you smile while you are sleeping,
While you're far away and dreaming
I could spend my life in this sweet surrender
I could stay lost in this moment forever
Every moment I spend with you is a moment I treasure...

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(clockwise from bottom: "CHA-CHING" "I will tax you to death" "BUSH TAKING OVER FOR BIN LADEN" "Your life is worthless to me!" ("BUSH" and Satan horns on Lincoln's forehead) "Could you go kill for me? Oh and get me those oil fields while you're at it."]

When Howard Dean doodles...

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: If you were a US Congressman, what provisions would you add to the Patriot Act? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, December 14th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What will Evil Glenn be doing for Christmas?

Filthy Lie Round-up: The Wedding Crasher

Friday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: A Cloud For Your Silver Lining

YOU'VE BEEN WARNED

If one more southerner whines about "freezing" because it's 60 degrees out, I'll have forced to retaliate:

(click to enlarge)

Don't push me. I'm a man on the edge.

Evil Glenn Plans Wedding Crash!

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)

Get the whole bad example »

---

(click to enlarge)

Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.

Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.

UPDATE: Here's an actual post about the wedding.

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

ROFL!!!!! Nice photography! ;)

Susie exemplified on December 13, 2005 at 09:48 AM

agh! my eyes!

sarahk exemplified on December 13, 2005 at 03:20 PM

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

Posted by Harvey on December 12, 2005 at 08:00 AM | Permalink | 2 Comments | Filthy Lies | Trackback

Close Trackbacks

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Found this one at ErosBlog (if you're going there, exercise discretion, as explicit photos abound):

Holding your hands over your head while we make love is good.
Tying you to the bed while we make love is better.
Tying you to the bed, then teasing you till you beg is best.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(Rubber stamp: GUN OWNERS$]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Things You Won't See In The Democratic Party Dollars". Coming soon: "Tax Cuts" and "Appeals To Reason".

JUST SO YOU KNOW

Sally of Whimsy Capricioius & Alex of Alex in Wonderland were unaffected by the oil depot explosion & fire in London.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Heavenly Father full of grace,
Bless my wife's beautiful face,
Bless her hair that grows so straight,
And keep her away from the men I hate!

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(really beat up bill)]

If Ted Kennedy's liver were a dollar bill...

MEME RESPONDANTS

Matty O'Blackfive - Do you think it was just coincidence that he used the term "big pile" and "French" in the same sentence?

Susie of Practical Penumbra - Do you think it was just a coincidence that she lists a variety of white sauces that make her french fry eating experience complete?

I probably shouldn't try to read so much into these responses. Maybe Freud was right - sometimes a cigar really IS just a cigar...

MO.O HAS A PLAN!

MoveOn.org wants people to contact their congresscritters and say:

Dear (senator or representative),

Congress must insist that America have an exit strategy from Iraq. We need a timeline that starts now and gets us out of Iraq in 2006.

Maybe they should stick to photoshopping pants on British soldiers.

Anyway, I took the liberty of rewriting the petition so that it makes sense:

Dear (senator or representative),

Congress must insist that America have a victory strategy in Iraq. We need a timeline to kill so many terrorists that the rest of the Islamofascists will be too disheartened to continue fighting in 2006.

If you don't like THAT petition, you can always work Indepundit's plan, instead.

[Hat tip: Matty O'Blackfive]

I'M A LITTLE EMBARRASSED BY MY ANSWER TO THAT LAST QUESTION

You have a sexual IQ of 144 When it comes to sex, you are a super genius. You have had a lot of experience, and sex interests you so you know a lot about it. You pride yourself on being a source of information and guidance to all of your friends. Take this quiz at QuizUniverse.com

[Hat tip: Blogson Andrew of Custos Honor]

MAYBE IT'S JUST ME

But when I saw this list of Icelandic Christmas Elf names posted by bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom:

Stekkjarstaur - Gimpy
Giljagaur - Gully Imp
Stúfur - Itty Bitty
�vörusleikir - Pot Scraper Licker
Pottasleikir - Pot Licker
Askasleikir - Bowl Licker
Hurðaskellir - Door Slammer
Skyrgámur - Skyr Gobbler (Skyr, an Icelandic yoghurt-type)
Bjúgnakrækir - Sausage Snatcher
Gluggagægir - Window Peeper
Gáttaþefur - Doorway Sniffer
Ketkrókur - Meat Hooker
Kertasníkir - Candle Beggar

I immediately thought "midget-porn movie-star names".

I MUST'VE BEEN REALLY DRUNK, BECAUSE I DON'T REMEMBER THAT

I'm lifting a tagless meme from blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World:

"Remember the time we..."

Please post a comment with a completely fictional memory of you and me. It can be anything you want– good or bad, silly or stupid, believable or not – but it has to be fake. (Don’t worry - I’m highly inoffendable!)

When you’re finished, post this paragraph on your blog and be surprised (or mortified) about what people don’t actually remember about you.

Remember: offensive comments will be celebrated.

Maybe We're Better Off With The Silence

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If all those glittering monarchs that command the servile quarters of this earthly ball should tender in exchange their shares of land, I would not change my fortunes for them all. Their wealth is but a counter to my coin... the world is but theirs; but my beloved is mine.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

DOES CHRIS MUIR OF DAY BY DAY HAVE WEIRD HABITS?

Oh, yes he does.

The brilliantly talented creator of the Day by Day cartoon has answered my "5 Weird Habits" meme challenge thusly:

I daydream 1-2 hours every day.

I can't think of any others...

You cheated me, Chris!!!

*shakes fist*

I'll have to punish him by stealing one of his comic strips:

(click to enlarge)

If you need an explanation of the punchline, go here.

I *REALLY* DIDN'T NEED TO KNOW THAT THESE THINGS EXISTED

Blogstump Contagion of Miasmatic Review is threatening to wear a kilt to Drunken Wisdom's January 8th FritzFest blogmeet.

Sadly, this is not an empty threat.

Anyway, I don't know what he'll be wearing underneath it, but I'm REALLY hoping it ain't these. (Work safe, but hard to explain)

[Hatred and curses to blogson Madfish Willie for sending me that link]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What will Evil Glenn be doing during Frank J. & SarahK's wedding? due by 11pm EDT Friday, December 9th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Blogger's Trackback Alternative

Phin's Blog Tip: Displaying special characters

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: If you were a US Congressman, what provisions would you add to the Patriot Act?

*CHANGES WILL*

Blogdaughter Oddybobo of Boboblogger has tagged me with the "5 weird habits" meme.

*sigh*

1) Neck cracking - Some people crack their knuckles. I crack my neck. Been doing it so long, I don't even need to push on my chin any more. Just tilt my head left & right - POP! POP! POP!

2) Ice in my milk - I usually put 2 or 3 ice cubes in my milk. Why? I spent 4 years on the USS Enterprise, and while they fed us well, beverages tended to be served at room temperature (the mess decks were always busy -> high turnover rate for milk containers -> milk containers didn't get a chance to cool down before becoming empty). Room temp milk tastes fairly disgusting. I decided that cold & watery beat thick & warm.

3) Ice in my beer - Picked up this habit in the Philippines. Similar reason - the bars in port were so busy, the bottle they put in front of you was likely just placed in the cooler 5 minutes ago. Add in the tropical climate, and nothing stays cool very long anyway. Again, better cold & watery...

4) I carry a pen with me everywhere I go - Another Navy habit. I lived on the ship & never knew when I'd need to sign something or jot down a message, even if I was technically off-duty. The same issue presents itself in civilian life, albeit not as frequently. Working at the bank, I was always shocked by how many people came in wanting to make a transaction and did NOT have a pen with them. Boggling lack of foresight.

5) Checking the serial numbers on every dollar bill I get - Why? A cool serial number pattern makes the bill worth more than face value to a collector. Being frequently bored as a teller, I spent a lot of time searching for these. Found quite a few over the years and sold them all on eBay. Still have this one:

Outside of those few things, I'm perfectly normal.

...well... normal-ish...

Anyway, who to tag...:

Susie of Practical Penumbra - judging by the title, it seems she's already posted her first odd habit.

Matty O'Blackfive - with all his good work supporting the troops, he might enjoy the chance to loosen up for a post. Besides, it's an excuse for him to talk about himself... more ;-)

Chris Muir of Day By Day - Poor guy doesn't have a blog attached to his most excellent comic strip site, so I'll post his answer here if he's willing to embarrass himself in public... more ;-)

BeeBee of Angle of Vision - I really want her to post SOMETHING, and I'll bet she'll have a great answer for this, since she's not exactly shy.

Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious - She's from England. I hear they do REALLY weird stuff over there, like tying coconut husks to swallows.

Blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland - Also from England. Ya know, I hear that they drink HOT tea over there! Just freaky...

ABOUT THAT SUDDEN CHANGE IN ECOSYSTEM RANKING

NZ Bear of the Truth Laid Bear, revered keeper of the Ecosystem has been tirelessly tweaking his code lately to try to... well, I guess the short answer is to make it harder to artificially inflate your rank through the indiscriminate usage of open trackback listings.

Longer answer can be found at the Bear's "Unveiling" post and/or the updated Ecosystem FAQ.

The result is that a lot of people experienced sudden, massive shifts in Ecosystem rank. Including my own 150 position plunge and devolution back to Large Mammal. Essentially, it's a new game with a new playing field. You're starting over.

Fortunately, basic strategy remains the same. It's all about seeding good will and reaping the rewards of positive attention. The more you use links and comments to reward the good posts of other people, the more you'll grow.

The Ecosystem re-formatting was just a bump in the road. The journey continues. Just try to relax & enjoy the adventure.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note, not previously posted. Shamelessly stolen from bloggranddaughter TalulaZephyr of Love and Koolaid Stains]

LOVE STAINS

Savory eyes
your movement
to my motion
longing
gazing
gentle brush
lips shyly touch
calming tingle
fingers through hair
i long for you
and your magic stare

come to me now
find me here
all alone
welcoming arms
peaceful words
filling your heart
with what you deserve

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(Introduction)

[Ryan is sexy (x8)]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Lies About Ryan Dollars". Coming soon: "Ryan practices good personal hygiene" and "Ryan stopped collecting used panties years ago".

FREEDUMB

(click to enlarge & read that little sign on the bunny's chest)

What's it for? What's it against? What's it mean?

Hell if I know.

Except that it's completely unrelated to Ogre's Free Dome.

SCREWNY SONY

Backstory (and image) - blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities

Finalstrawstory - blogson _Jon of We Swear

and a little Google-bait:

Sony sucks.
Sony sucks.
Sony sucks.
Sony sucks.
Sony sucks.

*BOOKMARK*

Selected excerpts from blogdaughter Boudicca's post about the perfect bra:

"mouthed"

"over my clothes"

"spreadage"

"spillage out the front"

"voluptuous"

"flung the door open"

"we’re lesbians"

"the middle tie would come undone and I’d come apart"

"Forty bucks for some guy to spend 5 seconds"

"With that bra you don’t need padding under your sweater!"

CHRISTMAS AT TAMMI'S WORLD

Plus pictures of Tammi's beloved Tampa Bay Buttaneers (that's not an insult, that's a description of the picture).

Secret surveillance photos courtesy of Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I long for the simplest, yet most beautiful, things in life - the gentle touch of your hand, the tenderness of your skin tightly pressed against mine, the sweet taste of your lips, your angelic smile which melts my heart - those are things money could never buy and nothing could ever replace.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(rubber stamp: THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED)]

Hippy test: If you read what's written on this bill but think it says "I GREW HEMP", you're probably a hippy.

TIME TO BE NOSY

Bloggranddaughter Sissy of ...And What Next is getting ready to be interviewed up at Basil's Blog.

Questions due by 12-17-05.

E-mail basil.interviews-at-gmail.com with subject "Questions for Sissy of And What Next", or go to the interview page, scroll down, and click the handy link which automatically puts that into your e-mail for you.

Don't know what to ask her? Then check this post and request some clarification on some of those half-answered "about me" items.

She doesn't embarrass easily, so put some effort into it.

PC VS. JC

What if the Thought Police were on the spot in Bethlehem?

Tigerhawk envisions the scenario...

MORE PLEASE

Here's a headline you don't see often enough:

(click to enlarge)

Maybe they should double-check that, though. I hear there's a lot of quagmires in that part of the world. Maybe he got stuck in one and starved to death.

[Hat tip: Bloggrandson Babaganoosh, who's blogging over here while he works out some issues with Blogger]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

And indeed I felt happy with her, so perfectly happy, that the one desire of mine was that it should differ in nothing from hers, and already I wished for nothing beyond her smile, and to walk with her thus, hand in hand, along a sun-warmed, flower-bordered path.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[DON'T LEAVE ME. I LOVE YOU!]

Ironically, if she finds this message persuasive because you wrote it on a dollar bill, you're probably better off without her.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: 1) Find actual good news in the War on Terror and 2) put anti-war spin on it to make it sound like bad news due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, December 7th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What will Evil Glenn be doing during Frank J. & SarahK's wedding?

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn at the Airport

A Filthy Lie

Friday Linky Stuff

PROBABLY JUST TALKIN' OUT MY ASS ON THIS ONE

Bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks was talking about shovels, which made me think about Wisconsin weather. Poor Bug is "suffering" at 55 degrees, and she e-mailed me this observation:

most people get cold when you have a 25 or 30 degree change... from 10 to -20 would be cold to you I'm sure

Actually, I'm pretty good as long as the temp is mid-20's or better. Below that, anything about equally miserable.

My theory is that below 20-something, the water in exposed skin cells starts to freeze, thus creating the bitter tingling that Northerners are so familiar with.

Of course, I could be very wrong on that, but it seems like there's a big diffence in comfort level as the temp moves above freezing. Anyone with medical knowledge care to chime in?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

A Beautiful Marriage Vow

As I stand here today with the world as my witness,
I pledge to you my undying and everlasting love.
I will stand beside you as your partner,
I will stand before you as your protector,
And I will stand behind you as your solace.
Please spend and end your life with me.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[drug money]

I assume that this bill's previous owner also had a dresser drawer labeled "drug storage area" containing a box of needles labeled "for injecting heroin".

FRITZFEST '06

That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom announces as follows:

Sunday, January 8, 2006. Fritz's Wooden Nickel, Stillman Valley, Illinois. Normally closed on Sundays, I CAN GET THE BAR. Northern Illinois, Southern Wisconsin, Eastern Iowa, Western Indiana... doesn't matter where you're from, if you're interested, let me know, either in the comments, or by dropping me an email. I'll work up directions...

Time is probably going to be around noonish, unless I get too many suggestions to go later. Grub? Yes. Cost per person is going to be between 10 and 14 bucks. That's chow and gratuity. Drinks? Not included, but of course they'll be available. What's for chow? That is to be determined. Let me know what you like for meats, I'll talk to Fritz and set something up. Most likely, this is going to be just a buffet.

This project is now a go. Those of you who were holding off saying yes because you weren't sure if it was going to happen can now say yes.

So go say yes at Drunken Wisdom in either the original post or the follow up.

GO. BEARS.

As usual, Pack folds in the second half.

On the bright side, I bet TNT (who looks dead sexy as a redhead) a buck that Favre was gonna get picked instead of making the go-ahead score (made the bet during the penultimate Pack offensive drive).

Which nicely cancelled out the buck I owed her from having the Bears cover the spread.

Anyway, I bet logo display with Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks, so I'm just gonna plop down in my chair and wait for the Christmas re-match:

Glenn Reynolds at the Airport

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:

What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Turns out there was no connection at all.

Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:

The unruly mob?

They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The Angel That Stands By Me

Dreams of love, so beautiful,
Fairies dancing by the sea...
The moon shining in the heavens,
And an angel standing by me!

And when the morning sun breaks,
Butterflies flutter by...
Bees that kiss the blossoms,
Cottony clouds in the sky!

Oh, what a lovely scenario,
Lovelier, it could not be...
And all the more perfect,
With the angel that stands by me!

For you were always by my side,
For more I could never ask...
And long ago, Heaven sent you to me,
And in soft sunshine, I always bask!

For never could I ask for more,
Than the glories I always see...
All these wonderful gifts are mine,
With the angel that stands by me!

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(torn & dirty dollar bill)]

If the Packers 2005 season were a dollar bill...

WHY IS BEN ROETHLISBERGER SO COOL?

Is it because he has a blog?

Yeah, that too, but I think it's more the fact that his dog, Zeus, knows how to write his own name.

SO *THAT'S* WHAT IT'S LIKE BEING A MOM

Almost makes me wish I could bear children.

For those of you who already have children, go visit Pam of Pamibe.

Speaking of which, the Noggles have some news in that department.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I had wings...
I would walk with you.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

A Review of Cindy Sheehan's New Book

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Just freakin' CREEPY...

What could possibly go wrong?

Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?

Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:

Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...

Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.

UPDATE: more tracking of Amazon's review activities at IMAO and GOP and College.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When she shall die,
Take her and cut her into little stars,
And she will make the face of heaven so fine,
That all the world will be in love with night,
And pay no worship to the garish sun.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Pink smiley face)]

Once yellow and gainfully employed by Wal-Mart, Bob Smiley - now horribly disfigured by a tragic tattooing accident - tours the country warning kids that "Tats ain't where it's at!".

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport? due by 11pm EDT Friday, December 2nd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Phin's Blog Tip: Cascading Style Sheet Tutorial

A Filthy Lie

Basil's Blog Tip: Why Open Trackbacks?

Another Filthy Lie

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: 1) Find actual good news in the War on Terror and 2) put anti-war spin on it to make it sound like bad news

HOW TO EXERCISE FREE SPEECH

Blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland is contemplating the meaning of the phrase "freedom of speech". Although in America it's usually discussed as a legal matter, he also makes note that - in a broader view - it's possible to have your freedom curtailed by peer pressure, even if it doesn't amount to a rights violation, per se.

Which brings me to the topic of how to voice objectionable opinions.

We all have opinions that other people wouldn't like, and we usually know it before speaking them. Yet sometimes the information is interesting or important. So what do you do?

My suggestion: stay calm, stick to facts, and limit yourself to a short, conclusory paragraph at the end, instead of interspersing the facts with copioius ranting invective.

For example, let's say that I'm disgusted by some things that certain black people are doing. I need to make it clear that it's motivated by hatred of stupidity, and not hatred of blacks in toto. I'd probably write something like this:

Or the MSM needs to speak up.

Because I haven't heard much about:

Louis Farrakan, who recently said "FEMA is too White to represent us and so is the Red Cross."

Or Kamau Kambon, who gave a speech a while back and said "We have to exterminate white people off the face of the planet" (audio clip of speech here)

By the way, did anyone else know that some free blacks actually owned slaves? I don't mean just buying family members, I'm talking about a plantationful.

Wonder how the reparations crowd plans to handle that?

Oh, and there's a tendency for "people of color" not to get prosecuted under "hate crime" laws.

And does anyone remember when the Neo-Nazis marched in Toledo against "black gang violence"... at which point black gang members violently rioted in the streets? Pegged the irony meter, it did.

What's my point?

Just saying that white people don't have a monopoly on stupidity, that's all.

And then dump the steaming pile in the comments at IMAO... say in someone's Filthy Lie Assignment.

Of course, if I did that, then SarahK would rewrite the comment to make me look foolish, my message would be completely lost, and my exercise of free speech in this case would be futile.

So I agree with Alex - don't be afraid speak your mind. However, DO keep your audience in mind and make your controversial points simply, clearly, factually, and (if possible) with supportive linkage.

Remember, if a free speech falls in a forest and no one sticks around to hear it, it doesn't actually make a sound.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Kisses kept are wasted,
Love is meant to be tasted.

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(stick figure holding hand up behind Treasury seal)]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released this image of "Toht holding up the hand that was burned by the medallion" as the first in its new series of "Scenes From Raiders of the Lost Ark Dollars". Coming soon: "Rolling Boulder!" and "'Marion! Don't Look At It!'".