TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your love was worth waiting for, now I am complete.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: QUEER $)]

Of *course* I'll take his money!

I may be an intolerant, right-wing homophobe, but I'm a GREEDY intolerant, right-wing homophobe.

ODE TO... EWWWWWW!

I think that I shall never see

A poem about either plumber's crack or a toilet brush.

But I'd be wrong, because niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! has both.

DIGITAL CAMERAS

Blogson Johnny-Oh of Closet Extremist laments:

I really need to invest in a good digital camera

Or maybe just get a half-good digital camera for $55 bucks?

Seriously, decent digitals are getting so cheap they're practically disposable. As long as it's over 1 Megapixel and has an LCD preview display, it's fine for casual photography.

Personally, I use a 1.3 Megapixel Canon A10 for all the photos I post on the web. They're all sharp & clear, even when I maximize them on my 21-inch monitor. If you're just looking to share photos, you don't need to spend much.

Of course, most stores don't carry much below a $100 digital camera with 2 more Megapixels than you really need, but that's what they make eBay for. Just look for a reputable brand name and a seller with decent feedback. You'll be taking pictures in no time.

Anyway, if anyone knows anywhere else to pick up a 1.3 Mpx camera for under $50, please pipe up. I'm kinda surprised at how hard it is to find "low end" models, even on clearance.

NOTE: Arguably, a 4 Mpx camera will give you the same quality as off-the-shelf 35mm film for 4x6 prints, so anything over that is just gravy. From my personal observations, a 1.3 Mpx camera makes prints every bit as good as anything I've shot with a point-and-shoot 35mm camera. But if you want "looking out the window" clarity, you're certainly free to take out a second mortgage to buy a 16 Mpx Digital SLR.

YOU WANT A BAD SIMILIE? I'VE GOT YOUR BAD SIMILIE RIGHT HERE!

Nick Queen thinks this is horrible:

The ground underneath felt hard like the percussion of a steady drum.

And challenges all comers to compose something worse.

Here's mine:

Her smile lit up her face like an Arab setting fire to a Danish flag.

Feel free to pile on.

ANYONE SPEAK ITALIAN?

I'm not sure if this is just pure spam, or if someone wants me to blog on some specific topic:

Al documento per l’Occidente di Marcello Pera si è risposto, a Sinistra, con significativi silenzi e incredibili ingiurie. Si è arrivati, da parte del quotidiano di Rifondazione comunista, a linkare il documento con il Manifesto fascista in difesa della razza. Terra del mattino propone una “interpretazione di sinistra� dell’Occidente e un sondaggio da tener d’occhio.
Saluti.

Don't how he got the impression that I understand Italian.

And Google's translator doesn't help:

To the document for the West of Marcello Pear it has been answered, on the left, with meant silenzi and incredible ingiurie to you. One is arrives to you, from part of the daily paper of communist Rifondazione, to linkare the document with fascist The Manifest in defense of the race. Earth of the mattino proposes one "left interpretation of" of the West and a survey to hold of eye.
Salutes.

The site that was linked in the e-mail doesn't tell me much, either. No pictures.

Anyone got a clue I can borrow?

CELEBRITY FIT CLUB 4?

Probably be the only place you'll see Britney Spears, if blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland is making an accurate assessment.

she will need a drill sergeant to get her back into any kind of shape to appeal to that market ever again

Like this one?

[off-topic - Celebrity blogging probably falls into the "critters that mess up carpets" category]

And in real-world news, Alex is looking to improve his employment prospects.

I'M THE EVILEST BLOG IN THE UNIVERSE!

Unlike mere mortals, I don't get banned for minor trespasses like "Adult content". No, this is how completely void of redeeming characteristics MY blog is:

(click to enlarge)

It's GOOD to be the king!

Many thanks to Zonker of Thunder and Roses for proclaiming my degeneracy.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What underutilized resources could we apply towards winning the War on Terror? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, March 1st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn Myths

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What suspicious items would a search of Evil Glenn's house turn up?

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Hallmark's War on Terror.

SPAM IRONY

Got this one today, and found the opening lines intriguing:

Lots of you guys and gals have heard about blogging. Basically it's an online journal with pictures that you can post to and no one knows it's you unless you tell them.

They're gaining in popularity throughout the US ever since the news blogs broke the story about prisoner treatment in Iraq.

Anyway, this line: "blogs broke the story about prisoner treatment in Iraq", just makes the bile rise into my throat. Correct me if I'm wrong, but it was the Army releasing its Abu Ghraib report that broke the story - to be picked up by the MSM 5 months later.

Whatever.

They advertised a "blogging service" at www.smartpunters.com, which I looked at.

Very little information about the service, and no links to any member blogs. Offhand I suspect that it's a scam to get your personal information.

Googling did nothing to allay my suspicions, since the domain used to be a "Singapore investment strategy and information hub for Asian investors".

I also have to wonder if the owners realize that - in America - "punter" is slang for "someone who watches pornographic movies or who frequents strip clubs".

In short, while the subject line DID get me to open the e-mail, the clumsy inappropriateness of the intro inspired me to post a negative review instead of surrendering my personal data.

I'm only giving it 1.5 stars.

UNLESS YOU'RE AN OWL, IT'S NOT THREE

Bloggranddaughter Rave of Quid Nunc asks:

How many licks does it take to get to the center of a tootsie roll pop?

Google was quick with the answer:

* A group of engineering students from Purdue University recorded that their licking machine, modeled after a human tongue, took an average of 364 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop. They tried the same licking test on 20 volunteers and found that the average licks to the center were 252 licks.

* A chemical engineering doctorate student from the University of Michigan recorded that his licking machine required an average of 411 licks per Tootsie Pop.

* A group of students at Swathmore School used human lickers in a scientific experiment and determined it took an average of 144 licks to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop.

Giving a meta-average of 269.

And now you know.

IS IT THE BOTTOM OF THE BARREL, OR JUST THAT LAYER OF SLIMY STUFF THAT GROWS ON TOP OF IT?

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice said

What has this blog come to that I’m carpet blogging? I am sure it is truly the most pathetic blogging around...

Most people put cat-blogging at the bottom.

Which makes me wonder... what IS the "quality blogging" hierarchy?

I'll take a stab at it. From highest to lowest:

1) Original news - breaking a story before the MSM
2) Competing news - covering stories that the MSM is ignoring
3) Original opinion - finding an angle on a news story that no one else has
4) Helpful advice - posting a piece containing a solution to a problem
5) Essay blogging - sharing a common opinion, but doing so in uncommonly good style
6) Story blogging - well-written original fiction
7) Life blogging - well-written true-life stories
8) Original humor - just making stuff up to make people laugh
9) Forwarded humor - re-posting something funny you found elsewhere
10) Hey! Look at this! - linking something interesting you found elsewhere
11) Memes
12) Quizzes
13) 24
14) American Idol
15) Carpets
16) Kids/Cats/Dogs/Hamsters/Ferrets and other critters that mess up carpets
17) WTF! OMG! RU serious? - Live Journal teen angst diary-posting heavily laced with IM abbreviations and/or dark, introspective poems about how painful life is.

Which is not to say that any of these are - by definition - not interesting. I'm just talking about perceptions of status.

You may bicker & second-guess in the comments.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There is nothing nobler or more admirable than when two people who see eye to eye keep house as man and wife, confounding their enemies and delighting their friends.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: CRAIG HELDT)]

A secret agent under cover so deep that not even Google knows who the hell he is.

Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...

Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.

The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.

The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkerboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."

The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.

The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".

Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.

Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.

The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.

Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.

Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.

Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".

Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.

National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.

The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.

The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.

Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.

The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.

The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.

Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.

Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?

The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.

In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.

The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."

The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I know the freedom that comes from sharing my heart with someone that
I can confide in openly and trust completely.
I know the delight that comes from sharing moments with someone
Whose presence can turn ordinary experiences into extraordinary joys.
I know the overflowing blessings that come through a common bond of faith
That is found in the rich soil of our all-embracing love.
I know all of these wonderful things, and so much more...
All because of you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[("20" written over the 1's in all 4 corners of the bill)]

It's not enough just to buy "Counterfeiting For Dummies", you actually have to follow the instructions, too.

THE TAINT OF EVIL?

Just pondering a bit on the concept of "evil by association".

What would you do with Hitler's Bible?

Destroy it, because it was owned by the epitome of human evil?

Honor it because it's the Bible?

Sell it on eBay as a collector's item?

Something else?

IT'S A BOY!

This one's been a long time coming, but my real-world blogless brother Tom has finally taken the plunge into the blogging world, mostly as a result of being pissed off at Wisconsin's socialist rag newspapers, frustrated by stupid people in general, and only having occasional visits with me during which to vent his frustrations.

A caution - his spelling & grammar aren't exactly according to Strunk & White, but he gets his point across, and he has a habit of popping off some nice one-liners, so focus on those.

Let's take a look at what we have so far at NoWhere News:

Shame on Blogless Brother for breaking tradition.

Heh. He forgot a title - but I love this line:

If I didn't have better thing's to do like rearrangeing my sock drawer I'd be fire bombing YOUR Embassy and pissing on a picture of mohammad but, since I don't want to offend my piss I won't.

Obviously my brother does not respect the beliefs of violently-rioting terrorists. How insensitive.

MONKEY JABBER PART 1 - AGAIN with the insensitivity... for shame... Anyway, since you probably don't know what "Haneek rabbak" means and he failed to link to the translation, you can check this (extremely not safe for work) list of Arabic curse words.

Yeah, I told him about the importance of expository hyperlinking, but since he's my older brother (by 2 years), he was too busy giving me wedgies to listen.

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops, but is not mandatory.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

BLOGSON NOT MIA

Blogson Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative has dropped me a line to let me know that his reason for only posting once in the last month is because of a death in the family, which required his presence out of state in a remote and internetless section of the country.

Meanwhile, he HAS posted again, this time to point out that Hillary Clinton has her head firmly up her ass with her comments on the issue of the London-based company Peninsular & Oriental Steam Navigation Co. selling its control of several U.S. ports to United Arab Emirates-based Dubai Ports World.

HOWL ON THE PROWL

I'm not a good person to ask about the blogmeet portion of the event, since Beloved Wife TNT & I didn't arrive until noon on Saturday (would've been 11, but we forgot that Indiana is on Eastern Time right now), and wimped out of the Lafayette Brewing Co. long before midnight - a little sleepy from the long drive, fighting to stay warm, and the yummy food & beer, both at TC's Restaurant and the LBC.

As for the Wolf Park experience itself, well, I've been there before, and all I can say is that it was even better the second time around. I already knew some of the names & history of the 4-legged residents, so there was a certain level of comfort upon returning. Not unlike visiting relatives for the holidays.

And I mean the GOOD relatives, not drunken Uncle Bob whose always trying to get you to invest in pyramid schemes.

Wes of Bodhran (Drum) Roll, Please! pointed out one of the biggest virtues of Wolf Park as a venue for observing wolves when he said, "there was no Disneyfication about wolves". All the romanticizing and mythology is stripped away. You see the wolves as they are. Although their environment is enclosed, there is no sense that the wolves feel confined. This is not a zoo. The wolves are free to be who they are and interact with each other as they see fit.

"But," I hear you ask, "can't you get all that from just watching a good nature documentary?"

Sort of, but - while things like the Dutcher's story, "Living With Wolves" would make good prep for a Wolf Park visit - it's just not the same. A documentary is heavily edited and only makes the points that its creators want to get across. At Wolf Park, the wolves show you how they live, in their own way, in their own time, and with no point to make other than "this is who we are".

What fascinated me about the visit is that 99% of wolf behavior happens for a reason. No matter if they're standing, sniffing, rolling in something, pawing at someone, or even laying in the grass, you can ask your tour guide "why?" and get yet another insight into the mind of these animals as they struggle to find a balance between amusing themselves individually and fulfilling their roles as pack members. Sometimes they vie for status. Sometimes they seek to reinforce the position they already hold. Sometimes they just want to roll in the grass because it tickles.

When approached with a philosophical mind, you may find yourself discovering parallels to your own life.

But even if you don't want to get THAT deep, there's also a distinct pleasure in the experience for dog owners. If you've had your dog for years, observing his behavior day after day, you'll tend to think of it in terms of how he's "just like a person". A trip to Wolf Park brings insight for how his behavior is "just like a wolf". You'll gain understanding as to which of your dog's actions result from domestication, and which are left over from the wild. At times you'll exclaim "my dog does that too!", and other times you'll be relieved that your dog has left his wild brethren's habits behind him. But in either case, you'll come away with a deeper knowledge of the "little wolf" in your house.

Best of all, Wolf Park also helps you comprehend these insights by providing a friendly, knowledgable staff that is positively giddy to answer any questions you have. Like anyone else who knows what they're talking about, they love to discuss any and all aspects of wolves, Wolf Park, wolf society, foxes, bison, habits, environments, and - of course - how you can get a chance to meet a wolf up close & personal.

Speaking of the staff, when Gale hands you a heavy, oddly-shaped object and asks you to guess what it is... well, I won't give it away, but I can at least tell you that you're holding it upside down. Hold it with the pointy things aimed towards the floor.

Also, be sure to ask Gale about the "skeletons in her closet". She's got a LOT of them, and isn't shy about sharing if you express an interest.

Oh, and I heard a rumor that she's got an intriguing exhibition planned for later this year. Still in the planning stages, but I hope it's up & running the next time I go to Wolf Park.

Now, as for the blogmeet portion of the experience, I'll make an observation that I've found holds true for every blogmeet I've been to. It was too damn short, and there wasn't enough time to chat with each person as I would've liked. In this case especially, because we were all either trying to stay warm, or sitting around a HUGE table, so mingling was restricted. So although I had a lot of fun at Wolf Park, I regret not arriving early enough to get in on some of the more free-form socialization at Blake's house the night before.

With those restrictions in mind, I'll say a few words about the bloggers I met for the first time:

Machelle of Quality Weenie - I'd always gotten the impression from her blog that she was quite outgoing. And this may be true when she's not freezing. But the sense that I got when I met her is that she's more of a listener than a talker. Unfortunately, so am I, so we didn't get to be as chatty with each other as we might under warmer and more mobile circumstances. Still, it was a pleasure to finally meet one of my oldest (blog-time-wise) and dearest blogdaughters in person.

Mrs. Wes - I never even got the chance to introduce myself, but I *did* notice that she asked a lot of insightful questions during the Wolf Park tour, so I know that she's thoughtful, bright, and engaging. When I finally get to meet her again, I know it'll be a good time. I suspect Wes is just being selfish and trying to keep her all to himself.

Oddybobo of Bobobloggger - No surprise at all. If you've ever read her blog or had her playing around in your comments, she's every bit as sweet, laughing and adorable in person as she is in writing.

BloodSpite of Technography - Like I've said, I'm a better listener than talker, so I was right in my element with BloodSpite, because he can tell you tales all night long and keep you entertained the whole time. For the record, he's neither as bloody nor as spiteful as his name implies :-)

BloodSpouse - After hearing what a wildman BloodSpite was in his youth, I wondered how he survived. Turns out that BloodSpouse had been a civilizing influence on him. She didn't get to talk a whole lot, since BloodSpite isn't the sort to leave a lot of dead air in a conversation. Nevertheless, from her patient smiles as he told stories that she'd probably heard a thousand times, I was left with the impression of a kind and supportive woman, and one VERY lucky man, who I hope realizes what a good deal he got :-)

J. Wiley of Back Home Again - He was a surprise. A lurker who popped in at the Lafayette Brewing Company to meet the crazy blog crew he'd been reading about for so long. Sadly, I only got to pass a dozen or so words with him while getting a beer from the bar (remember, big table, not much mingling - he was at the other end), but I was flattered and honored that he took the time to see us. I just wish I'd have known he was coming so that I could've read his blog & gotten to know him better. Ah, well, he's on the "Bloggers I've Met" roll, now, so I'll make up for it.

Also, if you're the sort who does, please include J's father in your prayers.

For further Howl on the Prowl reviews, see:

Contagion of Miasmatic Review
BloodSpite of Technography
That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom
Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger
Machelle of Quality Weenie (also some photos here)
Tammi of Tammi's World
Ktreva of The Reality Ranch (part 1 and part 2)
Wes of Bodhran (Drum) Roll, Please!
Blake of The Laughing Wolf

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Let there be such oneness between us,
that when one cries, the other tastes salt.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: Support the Seperation of Church and State www.godoffmoney.com]

Or support the separation of idiots and rubber stamps at www.useyourdamnspellchecker.com

IN HIS HOUSE AT R'LYEH, DEAD CTHULHU WAITS DANCING

Need a gyrating representation of an Elder God to make your sing-along experience complete?

Dancing Karaoke Cthulhu

Song list:
1999
Always On My Mind
American Woman
Aquarius
Bad Moon Rising
Betty Davis Eyes
Another One Bites the Dust
Bizarre Love Triange
Bohemian Rapsody
California Dreaming
I Think I'm a Clone Now
Come Together
Don't Stand So Close To Me
Eat It
Every Breath You Take
Eye of the Tiger
Fever
Funkytown
Hotel California
I Shot the Sheriff
Johnny B. Good
Knockin On Heaven's Door
La Bamba
Love Me Tender
My Way
Love Potion #9
Puff the Magic Dragon
Purple Haze
Radio Ga Ga
Respect
Riders on the Storm
Satisfaction
Smoke Gets In Your Eyes
Stairway to Heaven
Take On Me
Time Warp
With or Without you
Waltzing Matilda
White Wedding
YMCA
Yellow Brick Road
Zombie

IRONICALLY, AFTER ORDERING, YOU *WILL* EXPECT THE SPANISH INQUISITION

One of my blogless friends from high school passed this along to me:

Talking Spanish Inquisitor Plush Doll

Manufactured by ToyVault - who has an extensive "Holy Grail" line, as well - and available at fine on-line stores everywhere (Google "Talking Spanish Inquisitor" to comparison shop).

Warehouse 23 has the best description of the item, but they're currently out of stock.

Mythbusters Does Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?

Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?

First, test puppy A:

Wow! That's one ugly puppy!

After thorough blending:

The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J.:

Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...

Next, test puppy B:

Blend! Blend! Blend:

What does F.J. think about this one?

And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"

Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

War On Terror Greeting Card

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

To me, fair friend, you never can be old
For as you were when first your eye I eyed,
Such seems your beauty still.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Happy Birthday Granny - Love Pie Face]

Yes, Granny loved Pie Face, and wished that she could cherish his gift forever...

But Granny also needed a beer, and tappers were a buck a piece at the VFW...

WHITHER ACCENTS?

In the comments to this entry about Hugh Laurie's marvelous American accent posted by Jim of Parkway Rest Stop, commenter Sluggo chimes in:

Why do Americans sound so phoney when they try to put on an English accent, but the gotammed Brits can sound like they just rolled in from Lincoln, Nebraska whenever they want?

If I had to guess, I'd say that it's because the "accentless" cornbelt dialect is quite popular in movies & TV, and fairly consistent between speakers. If you can tell the difference between someone from Ohio, Indiana, Illinois, Iowa, and Nebraska, I'd be flabbergasted. So of the thousands of famous people who speak "Normal American", you can pick any one of them to emulate & pass yourself off as a Yank.

Famous British accents, however, are numerous and conflicting in style. If you're in-country and travel 20 miles down the road (or even across town in London), it's going to be noticably different. It's just harder for an American to pick one and find enough examples of it to master it properly. Who should I pick? Mick Jagger? Pierce Brosnan? Benny Hill? John Cleese? Tony Blair?

So my short answer is: because Hollywood is a district of Los Angeles, not London.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What urban legends about Evil Glenn should the Mythbusters team investigate? due by 11pm EST Friday, February 24th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Alternatives To Blogger Part 3: Blogsome - Short answer - like Wordpress.com except with more template control.

Basil's Blog Tip: How to display Day By Day vertically in your sidebar. - Can't believe how painless that was! - copy, paste, rebuild, done.

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What underutilized resources could we apply towards winning the War on Terror?

Filthy Truths

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

All I need is my one star in the sky, to wish for you every day.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Davis 12x2=24]

From "Victor Davis Hanson: The Unauthorized Biography", p 17:

"Although today the strength of his writing is legendary, Victor was a poor student as a youth, sometimes resorting to the use of 'crib notes' when answering questions like 'What is 12 times 2?' and 'Name?'"

THOSE OF YOU LOOKING FOR A JOB

Here's some advice from a guy who does job interviews.

Also, Jim of Snooze Button Dreams is a sweetie, so if you have more questions about what interviewers are looking for, leave him a comment or drop him a line.

Personally, I'd like to hear more of what he has to say on this topic, since articles from an interviewer's perspective aren't as common as I wish they were.

TELL ME A STORY!

Got kids that need a nighty-night fairy-tale?

Try "A Dragon’s Tear" by Josh of Quibbles & Bits.

WHY COULDN'T THE PROFESSOR FIX THE MINNOW?

Bloggranddaughter Carmen of I'll Do What I Wanna Do...Gosh! asks about the age-old mystery:

If the professor on Gilligan’s Island can make a radio out of a coconut, why can't he fix a hole in a boat?

As far as I know, they never address the question on the show, but I'd like to take offer up some plausible reasons.

* No nails.

* Simply can't make waterproof tar/glue/sealant out of the local plants.

* The propellor, shaft, and/or other engine parts were damaged when the boat hit the beach.

* No gas to run the engine.

Did I miss anything?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There's no finer caress than a love letter, because it makes the world very small, and the writer and reader, the only rulers.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[IF YOU SAVE THIS DOLLAR AND PUT THIS MESSAGE ON 10 1 dollar bills YOU WILL BE BLESSED W/MORE $]

Bah! You kids today... you have it SO easy, with your spam-pyramids and your state lotteries... Back in MY day, we had to make up our own ineffectual money-for-nothing schemes, and by golly, we LIKED it that way!

*MOMENT OF SILENCE*

I've never owned a ferret, but I've played with a few. They're funny and adorable.

Blogson GEBIV lost his ferret, Slinky.

I mourn with him.

I also noticed that he was feeling down in general, possibly for non-Slinky related reasons:

But sometimes it's hard to see where I've really done any good by being around.

I'm reminded of a quote, and I'm paraphrasing: "I'll make about as much of a hole in life as your finger does when you pull it out of a bucket of water."

I know what he's TRYING to get at with the quote - that when your finger leaves the water, the water closes up like your finger was never there. But the FIRST thing I thought of was that the quote was referring to taking your finger out of a hole in the BUCKET, and all the water would drain out.

I believe the second one is closer to the truth.

Truth is, I would be a very dry bucket without GEBIV. I owe him a LOT. Mostly in regards to the Alliance of Free Blogs.

Because he's one of the few people who actually GETS why I post assignments twice a week.

It's not because I think it's important, it's because there's satisfaction in meeting the challenge of trying to be silly on a specific topic twice a week. It helps you develop a little self-discipline as a writer, and it also gives you a chance to experiment with new styles & techniques of humor. Some work, some don't, but at least you TRY, and you broaden your horizons by doing so.

The fact that he's been one of the few people who consistently completed assignments with me is greatly appreciated. Sometimes that game got pretty darn lonely.

He's also one of the few people I'd trust to do justice to the round-ups, and I'm VERY grateful that he took those over for me. He gives me the chance to spend more time with my wife, friends, & blogkids. You ALL owe him one for that.

Whether that "one" is a debt of gratitude or a punch in the head, I leave to your discretion, but still...

Anyway, GEBIV, you're a good writer with a great sense of humor, and your absence would leave me with a broken bucket and a puddle on the floor, so leave your finger where it is.

...Which only SOUNDS dirty.

12 THINGS MEME

I've been tag-team memed by bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom and blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities.

With sparkling dialogue, and a plot that clips along rapidly, rarely pausing to gaze at it's own navel. The only time cinematographic hue makes a difference is the rare occasion in black and white movies where the color of something is a plot point. "What a lovely red dress!"... um... it's gray... so that part of the scene just fell flat.

2: What is the one single subject that bores you to near-death?

Generally, very little, since I tend to hang around with excellent story-tellers. Most of the bloggers I know could write an intriguing essay on floor-sweeping techniques.

Outside of that, the process of color-co-ordination involved in decorating a room, and picking out non-functional items that complement the decorating scheme.

When I die and go to hell, I will be forced to shop for such items, accompanied by a dull-witted woman who uses the word "cute" WAAAAAY too much.

3: MP3s, CDs, Tapes or Records: what is your favorite medium for prerecorded music?

CD's - mostly because - having grown up with vinyl records and tapes - I was tickled pink by a format that let me skip directly to the beginning of the next song without either having to guess where it started, or risking putting a damaging scratch in the medium.

On the other hand, I'm quite partial to tapes, too, since most of my music collection is pre-MP3 legacy, and I appreciate how durable cassettes are. None of that "OO! Be gentle! Don't scratch it!" crap. Sit on it, step on it, drop it in the mud. It'll play fine.

4: You are handed one first class trip plane ticket to anywhere in the world and ten million dollars cash. All of this is yours provided that you leave and not tell anyone where you are going ... Ever. This includes family, friends, everyone. Would you take the money and ticket and run?

Immediate response - HELL no! Beloved Wife TNT is irreplaceable!

But assuming that WEREN'T an issue... that's a LOT of money... would being a rich bachelor be SO bad?...

Well, no...

But it's the "can't tell anyone" part that would kill me. I'd have to quit blogging, because - regardless of pseudonym - SOMEONE would recognize me eventually. So I'd be forced to settle for whatever friends I could bump into randomly in the meat-world, without the efficient screening process of blogs.

Not a process I'd care to engage in again.

5: Seriously, what do you consider the world's most pressing issue now?

People who want to use the government to "help" me. I'd settle for being left alone. Really.

6: How would you rectify the world's most pressing issue?

Blog.

Seriously.

The only way to make changes in the world is to float good products out into the marketplace of ideas, and blogging is the best way for an individual to do that. There are no guarantees, but you never know who might be listening and how far your voice can reach.

Beats yelling at the TV.

7: You are given the chance to go back and change one thing in your life; what would that be?

I would've changed jobs before I got fired.

8: You are given the chance to go back and change one event in world history, what would that be?

I would make sure the 16th Amendment never got passed.

9: A night at the opera, or a night at the Grand Ole' Opry --Which do you choose?

Opera - I assume there's SOMETHING good out there, and I don't like country music.

10: What is the one great unsolved crime of all time you'd like to solve?

The murder of Fidel Castro.

What? He's not dead yet?

Oh, wait... it's still the 21st, isn't it? Nevermind...

11: One famous author can come to dinner with you. Who would that be, and what would you serve for the meal?

P.J. O'Rourke - One of the few people who can make me laugh out loud with their writing.

Dinner would consist of a bottle of 18 year old Glenmorangie and some Hoyo de Monterreys.

12: You discover that John Lennon was right, that there is no hell below us, and above us there is only sky -- what's the first immoral thing you might do to celebrate this fact?

Well, I'm already in agreement with John Lennon on that point, so I'd consult my list of daily immoralities and do whichever one was next. Probably either cursing or fornication.

Lynn of a Sweet, Familiar Dissonance - because she LOVES memes. (Hey, at least this one has an opera question)

Kevin of Eckernet - so he'll take a break from posting disturbing pictures like this one.

RedNeck of RedNeck Ramblings - he needs a break from doing all that laundry.

Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."

Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:

Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.

I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment Reminder: What greeting cards should Hallmark make to be given to (or from) terrorists, terrorist supporters, and/or terrorist appeasers? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, February 22nd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn Outtakes

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What urban legends about Evil Glenn should the Mythbusters team investigate?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There may be many flowers in a man's life, but there is only one rose.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

LET ME 'SPLAIN... NO, THERE IS TOO MUCH. LET ME SUM UP

Gonna be gone until Sunday sometime.

Leave a movie quote in the comments or the ROUS will bite you.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

My heart longs for you, my soul dies for you, my eyes cry for you, my empty arms reach out for you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".

AT LAST, I'VE FOUND MYSELF

The Crossover Poster. This weblogger isn't satisfied with just talking about THEIR stupid moronic opinions, they have to crosspost with someone ELSE's stupid moronic opinions, link to THEIR weblog and then create a weblog entry that regurgitates the other person's post, then expands on their personal feelings about the original post, what it means to them in the deepest most fluffy happy pathetic useless f*cked-up places of their hearts. Not _only_ can these dipshits not come up with something useful to post in their own weblogs, they feel the need to post something so badly, that they steal someone else's content to feed their insatiable need to beg the universe for attention. These people need to be set on fire and put out with a switchblade.

The whole, long essay, complete with more F-bombs than a bar full of sailors, can be found here.

[Hat tip: John of Argghhh!]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What happened during the part(s) of Evil Glenn's interview that did CNN *not* air? due by 11pm EST Friday, February 17th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What greeting cards should Hallmark make to be given to (or from) terrorists, terrorist supporters, and/or terrorist appeasers?

Basil's Blog Tip: Alternatives To Blogger Part 2: WordPress.com - The good news: it's free & has trackbacks. The bad news - you can't mess with the template. More good & bad at the link.

Basil's Follow-ups: Correction - Wordpress.com actually usable by Alliance members; detailed instructions for fulfilling Alliance requirements while using a Worpress.com blog.

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: The Nobel Stache Prize

MEASURE TWICE, CUT ONCE

(click to enlarge)

"Look, Achmed, I don't care WHAT you tell your wife. I'm telling you that that is NOT ten inches!"

Or it might be Americans teaching carpentry skills to Afghan Army engineers. You'll have to check with CENTCOM to find out which.

BABY'S FIRST WORD

While peering through Straight White Guy's most ancient archives as I researched this post, I noticed something:

The first word he ever blogged was "damn..."

So... what I want you to do is go to the archives of your first blog, and tell me the first word in the body (not the title) of the first post you ever made. And feel free to leave a link to the post in the comments, or post about it at your own blog, if you're so inclined.

My first word was "After".

...I know, I know... you were expecting "boobies". Sorry to disappoint.

QUICK! BURN AN EMBASSY!

He's making fun of Jesus!

Seriously, though, no Christian would be upset by this, because Christianity isn't about an image, or even Jesus. It's about an idea. The idea that Jesus embodied. The idea that a person can examine his life, discover his faults, repent his mistakes, and choose new behaviors at ANY point in time in order to live his life more in tune with his professed moral code.

Juvenile mockery bounces off that like a pebble off a stone wall.

I hope that Islam embraces a similar idea someday, so that it its adherants may join the ranks of the civilized world.

[Hat tip: Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

IT'S A BLOGIVERSARY!

On Feb. 15th, 2004, bloggranddaughter Sissy of And What Next... cursed the effects of hot dogs on canine colonic expulsions.

Her posting has gotten slightly less unsavory since then.

Except for this part:

I have witnessed the births and even some of the conceptions of many Bad Example Family members!

Seriously, folks, you REALLY don't want to have to witness Bad Example Family conceptions. They make "Caligula" look like a trip to Mr. Rogers Neighborhood.

My sympathies to Sissy for having to live through the trauma.

And my best wishes in her second year.

TIME TO BURN DOWN THE IRISH EMBASSY

Because Matty O'Blackfive has posted the Abu Ghraib pictures that the Mainstream Media doesn't have the guts to publish.

The ones from the Abu Ghraib hospital.

Did anyone know that Abu Ghraib even HAD a hospital?

I sure as hell didn't.

Thanks, Matty.

SINCE SHE'S BEGGING FOR ABUSE

I think we should oblige bloggranddaughter Sarah the Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs, who said:

Sorry about the slow blog (again).

Let's all make fun of my slowness in the comment section.

Fine...

* You're so slow, if you were in a two-man fifty yard dash with a pregnant woman, you’d come in third
* You’re so slow, you have to speed up to stop
* You’re so slow it takes you an hour to cook minute rice
* You’re slower than a herd of turtles stampeding through peanut butter
* You're so slow, I saw you on an escalator yesterday and a step passed you

You get the idea

Go over there and pile on.

LITTLE RED HEN SHRUGGED

Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views adds a few sharply-pointed paragraphs to the classic folk tale, just in case you're not sure how it applies to modern life.

Irate Re-breadening Soldiers...Heh.

IS IT *EVER* OK TO USE RACIAL SLURS? - UPDATED 2-16-06 9:30AM

Kevin of Eckernet is a little pissed at Ann Coulter for using the term "raghead", citing this quote (I can't find a transcript - search "ann coulter cpac" on Google News for more info):

"Maybe they do [have nuclear weapons], maybe they don't, but they're certainly acting like they do. ... If you don't want to get shot by the police, don't point a gun at them. Or as I think our motto should be, post 9/11," Coulter said, "'Raghead talks tough, raghead faces consequences.'"

I'm not sure I agree with him.

Now, I'm not usually a fan of racial slurs. Using them bespeaks a lack of imagination on the user's part. After all, there are SO many creative ways to be insulting, why settle for the easy target?

On the other hand, there may be times...

A thought experiment - if a black man murdered my wife, I wouldn't refer to him as "an African-American gentleman". I'd feel free to trot out a stream of the most hateful race-based epithets I could conjure, and I wouldn't feel bad about it.

I think in that case, it'd be ok, because it's personal between me & him. I don't mean to insult his race as a whole. I'm just trying to find the cruelest, most hurtful thing to throw at him, personally.

On the other hand, if I were to look at a black man looting stuff during Hurricane Katrina and I were to say something like "Ain't that just like a Negro to steal anything that ain't nailed down?", then that's NOT personal - that's just blanket bigotry. I'm insulting all black people in general.

Ann's case is somewhere in between. We're at war with a lot of Middle-Eastern Muslims. I'm a big fan of disrespecting my nation's enemies. Anything that pisses them off or makes their lives miserable is a GOOD thing in my book.

On the other hand, there are plenty of Middle-Eastern Muslims I would be proud to call "friend". Specifically, the ones who are working to help transform Iraq into a civilized nation in the face of a long, uphill struggle.

So if Ann were to say something like "I wish I could go to Iraq and personally shoot every last raghead I saw," then I'd say "Ann, you ignorant slut. Sit down and shut the f*ck up."

(Notice how "ignorant slut" is personal to Ann - I'm not insulting EVERY woman who's intellectually-challenged and vaginally-generous)

But upon examining her quote, she appears to be directing the "raghead" label only at Middle Eastern Muslims who actually threaten the security of American interests, rather than just haphazardly toward anyone who's wearing a turban. She's specifically aiming at terrorists, who - in general - suck. This isn't strictly personal, but I think it's nearer to that end of the spectrum than it is to bigotry.

So I'm leaning towards not having a problem with what she said.

Feel free to persuade me otherwise, if you're so inclined.

UPDATE 2-16-06 9:15 am: Perhaps the question should be, "is it simply wrong to insult a man based on ANY unchangeable physical characteristics?" For example, if my hypothetical murderer were bald, missing an eye, and had a club foot, would it be inappropriate for me to call him a "butchering, chrome-domed, popeyed, monopod"?

Not a rhetorical question. I'm honestly trying to examine where lines should be drawn on this issue. I know it's a sensitive topic, and I appreciate that so far the discussion has remained rational.

UPDATE 2-16-06 9:30 AM: Would calling him a "bastard" be considered a slur against people born out of wedlock? Would the appropriateness of the insult be affected by whether or not his parents were married when he was born, i.e. if he actually WERE a bastard?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

[new note - not previously posted]

(Introduction)

It's the day after Valentine's Day.

I'm still sore & exhausted.

This is a GOOD thing.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

WOMEN'S SHOES FOLLOW-UP

After considering the comments left on my previous post about women's shoes, I'll amend my statement.

The only time men will notice a woman's shoes is when she's wearing a skirt or dress, because we'll be checking out her legs.

So if you're having a "bad shoe day", wear pants.

WORD OF THE DAY

Ass-apple

Try saying it a few times... it's got such a happy ring to it.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(George Washington missing face)]

Face/Off 2: Dead Presidents - John Travolta returns as Sean Archer, who must disguise himself as a dollar bill to infiltrate a counterfeiting ring in this woefully underbudgeted sequel.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

[new note - not previously posted]

(Introduction)

Valentine's Day... just another "Hallmark Holiday".

Which is fine.

Because we have a Hallmark kind of love.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

REALITY CHECK

To: Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice

From: Your Dirty Old Man Blogfather

Re: Women's Shoes

Outside of a few fetishists that you really don't want any attention from anyway, NO MAN WILL EVER NOTICE YOUR SHOES***.

Please feel free to shop accordingly.

(***Boots are a different story, being a more mainstream fetish. See the Pizza Hut Jessica Simpson Cheesy Bites commercial for details.)

ON STARTING BLOGGING - EVERYONE SUCKS AT FIRST

Blogdaughter Boudicca's real-life sister Morrigan gives a reason that she can't blog:

As far as blogging goes, I am just not a writer. I wish I were, I really do because I have ridiculous things happen to me. I did meet some great people in Tennessee and hopefully I'll tag along again. I will continue my skulking about the blogosphere envious of all the talented writers.

She just strung four coherant sentences together into a paragraph, and - in the process - effortlessly incorporated two metaphors: "tag along" and "skulking about the blogosphere".

I've written plenty of posts where I didn't even manage that.

Mo... seriously... if you can leave a comment, you can blog. I hate to drag out the big guns, but here it goes:

My first month as a blogger.

Notice how most of my posts are basically just comments on other people's posts. Nary an original thought to be found. Just proving my point: if you can leave a comment, you can blog.

"But my writing sucks!"... Well, EVERYONE sucks when they start out.

Everyone.

Here's Instapundit's first post:

Well, it looks like the Department of Justice is finally going after the music industry for antitrust violations. Expect more of this kind of thing in the future, and not just with regard to the music sector, but with regard to all entertainment industries. Here's how it shakes out from the Bush Administration's viewpoint: First, the entertainment industry genuinely breaks the law: there's lots of payola and other anticompetitive practices, as extensively documented in Salon over the past several months. Second, it's unpopular with two groups of voters Bush needs: old people, who don't like its products, and young people, who don't like the industry because of its stands over things like Napster, DVDs, and so on. Third, it gives lots of money to Democrats, and its leaders spend a lot of time bashing Bush.

The question is, how sophisticated will the Bush administration's assault be? With care, the administration could launch an assault that would split artists from studios and labels, further dividing and demoralizing a major source of Democratic support -- and maybe even splitting off some people who will decide they like the Republicans after all. Is Bush that smart? Is Ashcroft? Is Karl Rove? Stay tuned.

Boringest thing I ever read in my life. That's how HE started. Now he's on top of the world.

Then there's Frank J. of IMAO, who writes DAMN funny original content, now that he has about 3000 posts under his belt. But look at this post from his first day of blogging:

The U.S. Army is now making computer games for free download. The military was always the only part of the federal government I didn't mind my tax money going to because they kill evil foreigners, but now I get video games out of the deal. Kick ass!

Two sentences of commentary on a news story. That's it. Now he gets 8000 hits a day and he's got two books in the works.

Oh, and the great Straight White Eric? Here's his day one (his blog sucked so bad the permalinks didn't even work. You have to scroll to the bottom of the page for this):

ok..ok...ok.....so, I set up a brand spanking new blog, and the FIRST thing the wife says is..."that is crap, you need a new title for it..".....SHEEESH!!....some people just CAN'T be satisfied....oh well..the debate is still out...maybe she's right...but do you think that I'D admit she is?...hmmm...just have to wait and see, I suppose....anyway, I'm off in search of a great Robert Service poem to post on here...stay tuned...for those of you who don't know of Mr. Service's work, lets just say this...he was in the Yukon WAY before Goretex was invented...enough said...

There isn't even a LINK in that post.

So here's the truth about blogging - everyone's got 10 sucky posts inside of them. Underneath them are brilliant shiny diamonds of breathtaking literature. But the ONLY way to get at the diamonds is to start shoveling out the suck. You HAVE to be willing to be really bad before you can be any good.

Put the pride aside, play the fool for a bit, and let yourself become something more beautiful than you can currently imagine. Every rose that one day turns its face to the sunshine started as a seed laying face down in the dirt.

Let yourself blossom.

SEND YOUR LOVE ACROSS THE POND

Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious explains what she's been doing lately - taking care of a daughter who had a near-fatal episode that required hospitalization.

Please go send a prayer, or whatever it is that you do in these situations.

Comments would be fine, too.

Now if only we could get her husband Alex to come out of hiding...

TRYING TO CONCEIVE

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice points out that her real-life sister Morrigan had a birthday recently (Happy Birthday, Mo), and, in the comments, Pam of Pamibe said what everyone is thinking:

Let me get this straight... her life is blog fodder 24/7 but she has NO BLOG? Why not?

I don't like to be negative, so I'll look at reasons why you, Morrigan, SHOULD have a blog:

1) You already have a cool pseudonym, so you just need to add an "'s" then pick a noun, and there's your blog name. I'm not up enough on Celtic mythology to know what that noun should be, but I'll bet that either you or Boudicca are.

2) If you read this post and decide to start blogging because of it, then I'll be your blogfather. Which means that your sister Bou will also be your blogsister. How cool would THAT be? Cooler than having her for your blogmother, THAT'S for sure.

3) Blogger is free - www.blogger.com - you can be posting stuff in 5 minutes. Decorating your site to make it pretty and/or functional takes a little longer, but you can do that as you go along. I've known people who had their "edit me" links on their sidebars for WEEKS. Believe me, your blogroll is the least important thing about your site.

4) "I don't have anything to blog about!"... You send e-mails, right? Pretty much anything you would e-mail to someone "because it's really cool" would make a good blog post. Then you'd be able to just post it and have people come read it instead of trying to find everyone's e-mail address.

5) "Who would want to read my boring crap?"... Definitely everyone who met you in Tennessee. Probably some of your family. Possibly a few of your friends. None of your co-workers. Strange but true. Your readership will NOT consist of who you think it will. But that doesn't matter, because the people who will visit your site will be cool people who really like you that you'd NEVER get to know otherwise. There's an audience for EVERY writer. I think it's time you let yours find you.

Drop me a line at harvolson-at-gmail.com.

We'll talk.

LETS SEE IF T1G CAN DO BETTER THAN MY 50%

Via I Hate My Cubicle, comes this little quiz:

Homeless or Jesus?

Since Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom is occasionally confused with deity progeny, I was surprised to see that his picture was NOT one of the ten.

WOULD NEVER HAVE GUESSED

What do these three movies have in common?

Shawshank Redemption
Starship Troopers
Highlander

If you said Clancy Brown, you're right.

Good lord. I've seen all of these movies more than once, and I never even thought the guy looked familiar.

By the way, Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review points out that he's also the voice of Mr. Krabs from Spongbob Squarepants.

Which puts me in mind of something Beloved Wife TNT mentioned to me the other day.

Alien Nation
Princess Bride
Criminal Minds (TV show)

That's right, Mandy Patinkin. (Sam Francisco, Inigo Montoya, and Jason Gideon, respectively).

I never made the connection.

And I *certainly* never guessed that Mandy had a Broadway musical career.

Geez, I gotta get out of my little cave more often.

THIS WEBSITE'S A KEEPER

Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite found the Automatic Flatterer, which told me:

Harvey you are fabulous !!!

... and we appreciate you for who you are.

Obviously it reads my blog.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

[new note - not previously posted]

(Introduction)

"Scratch my back", she said
And so I did,
because it's probably in the vows somewhere.
But even if it's not
I won't complain.
I like the happy noises she makes
While my nails rake - firm, yet gentle - across her skin.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[1st customer 7-20-00 Porter County Fair]

7 more customers received commemorative bills. Customers 9 & 10 got nothing, since the carny at the gate had lost two fingers in a Ferris Wheel accident the year before.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: Why should John Bolton win the Nobel Peace Prize? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, February 15th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

A Filthy Lie

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Fatwa

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What happened during the part(s) of Evil Glenn's interview that did CNN *not* air?

THE MILLER FROGS

(click to enlarge)

[hat tip to blogson Madfish Willie for the original frog pic]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

[new note - not previously posted]

(Introduction)

As the surface of the sphere surrounds its center in geometric perfection, so too does the perfection of your love embrace my soul.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(burned $5 bill]

Stacy of Dorannes wants her bribe money for saying I'm funny. I'll just give her this $5 I got from that idiot Johnny Storm, who bet on the Seahawks.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

[new note - not previously posted]

(Introduction)

My soul is blank parchment upon which you've written love's truest sonnet.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

SOTU-safe T-shirt

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

Instapundit Issues Fatwa

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:

"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."

Imam Glenn al-Reynolds

The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.

Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.

"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"

THE MONTH IN A NUTSHELL

As described by Linus of Pepper of the Earth:

February, that’s the cruelest month. Even in soft winters like this one, when the sun is apt to creep out and toss us an eight-ball of 60° weather when we aren’t watching for it, there’s something about the early dark and the trickling cold that never relents, that slips needy fangs in and keeps the flesh pinned to pale colors. The thin washed light, the hard chill, the way the covers on the bed just don’t want leaving. February.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

It's good to have someone like you in my life...
Someone with whom I can share so much of me.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Keep America clean - Eat a pigeon]

From page 26 of "Muppet Rage: Bert's Dark Journey":

"But what could make such a quiet, well-beloved, pigeon-fancier become the apotheosis of evil? No one knows for sure, but one theory - based on this bill found next to Ernie's mutilated corpse - suggests that Bert's long-time roommate may have triggered the rampage by one too many episodes of pigeon-bashing."

SMOKE 'EM IF YA GOT 'EM

If you find yourself stuck in Madison, WI - which has banned smoking in all bars & restaurants - and you're looking for smoker-friendly establishments (either outside the city limits, or with "smoking patios"), MadSmokers.com is a resource you'll want to bookmark.

[Hat tip: Boots & Sabers]

Out-of-Control US Troops Collecting 'Protection Money' From Local African Tribe

"That's a real nice school we just built for ya... be a shame if anything... you know... happened to it."

CENTCOM has the details

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What would you have to do to make Evil Glenn issue a fatwa against you? due by 11pm EST Friday, February 10th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: Why should John Bolton win the Nobel Peace Prize?

Basil's Blog Tips - Alternatives To Blogger, Part 1 - This post is worth your attention. He's seeking input on what's wrong (or right) with Blogger as blogging software, and also looking for suggestions for alternative free platforms.

This should be an intriguing series.

WHY OFFEND MUSLIMS?

Russell of Mean Mr. Mustard says it best:

Precisely because they can be counted on, for whatever reason, to riot psychotically with every minute percieved slight, we need to offend them. Not doing so would be a capitulation to the dangerous double standard that liberal-minded folks in the West see as magnanimous sensitivity and tolerance, but which is percieved (perfectly rationally, I might add) by Muslims as simply weakness and a complete lack of any faith in our own society.

Once Muslims show themselves capable of not killing people and burning down buildings because of an editorial cartoon, then you'll find me on the side of those who want to be conscientious and polite and not offend. And I will then happily be just as mindful of Muslim sensibilities as I am to those of Christians, Jews, Hindus, Buddhists, et al.

HOW MANY CAR CRASHES DOES IT TAKE TO MAKE A BLUES BROTHERS MOVIE?

Lynn of A Sweet Familiar Dissonance wants to know how many cars were wrecked in "The Blues Brothers".

After poking around a bit, I have to say - that is ONE tough bit of Googling.

Rumors & lies abound, and nobody seems certain. The most definitive statement I found was this:

According to John Landis (I asked him) the number was closer to 30 cars totalled. They kept using the same cars over and over so it seems like a lot more.

Interesting and probably true. which means that there are actually two questions:

How many cars were wrecked during the making of The Blues Brothers?

How many car crashes are shown in The Blues Brothers?

If you know the answer to either question, drop it in the comments. Please cite your source, if possible.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When I first saw you, I saw love. And the first time you touched me, I felt love. And after all this time, you're still the one I love.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Kill Osama]

May I recommend Death By Bulunga?

HAVE YOU CHERISHED YOUR WIFE THIS WEEK?

In the comments to this post on relationships, Richmond of One For The Road made this suggestion:

a date -- a real honest-to-God date once in a while would be nice

Yes, but HOW once in a while? Once a week? Every other Wednesday? Any day that ends in a 0 or 5?

Guys can happily follow instructions, if they're SPECIFIC instructions.

Of course, once orders are issued, then the lady feels like her man's only doing it because he HAS to, and it spoils the effect.

I suppose fellas should just ask themselves "have I gone out of my way to make my wife feel loved in the last 7 days?"

If the answer is "no", get hopping.

And keep track of it on a secret calendar so that the wife doesn't find out that you have a schedule - which would destroy the illusion of sponteneity and undo all your hard work.

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT'S IMPORTANT, LET THE REST GO

Blogson Deathknyte of Bad Catholicism is contemplating a relationship issue:

Once you are in love with someone it makes you.... blind, to their faults. Or, perhaps, you just don't want to see those faults.

Personally, I believe that a good relationships involves overlooking a LOT of faults. What matters is overlooking the little ones, and being wide awake on the important stuff.

For me, the short list is:

Fidelity - I'm the only one in her bed.
Trustworthiness - Even tiny promises like "I'll be home by 8" are consistently kept.
Financial Responsibilty - Habitually spends less than she earns.

Pretty much everything else is negotiable after that. I can put up with clothes on the floor or dried toothpaste in the sink.

Then there's the "nice to have" stuff, like intelligence, sense of humor, taste in music, etc. which comes in varying degrees, and I'll just enjoy whatever supply is there to enjoy.

Anyway... figure out what's on your short list, and don't compromise on it. If she's got any deal-breakers, you're better off without her.

All the frosting in the world won't make you happy if there's no cake underneath.

HEROES IN OUR MIDST

Every once in a while, I take a chance on a piece of spam. I got this one recently:

Here's a musical tribute to the courageous men and women of the American Military: http://www.allrightrecords.com/id88.html.

Ok, the topic intrigued me, and their weren't any typos or grammatical errors, so what the heck.

Turns out to be the first non-country patriotic song I've ever heard. Pleasant, catchy, upbeat, cheerful, and full of genuine admiration for those who serve. Musically, the clean, simple melody reminds me a little of Barenaked Ladies, except that it doesn't suck.

Anyway, Dick Eastman is mostly a songwriter by trade, but he picks up a guitar and sings, too, for this one.

MP3 is free to download and the site encourages you to burn and share. Go check it out.

Here's the first verse, so you can get a feel for the theme:

As Johnny’s marching off to war
All these talking heads keep score
Thinkin’ they know so much more than he does
While they pretend to play hardball
Johnny’s watched his brothers fall
This ain’t no game to him at all, red white & blue
Are more than colors in the distant view
A flag that stands for freedom proud and true
Is counting on you

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You took my hand and lead me to a staircase to the stars.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Dear "God" I Want $27,000]

HELPFUL HINT: For best results when asking an omnipotent supreme deity for a favor, try omitting the sneer quotes around his name.

NOW *THIS* IS WORTH SETTING SOMETHING ON FIRE FOR

Blake of Laughing Wolf has a point about being an American and celebrating your freedom of speech by posting things that would get censored in sucky, third-world nations. He's chosen one of the infamous 12 Mohammed cartoons.

Which is all fine and good, but it's just... lame.

If you're going to draw a cartoon, it should have SOME element of humor in it.

So how about this one: What if Muhammed were alive today and decided to embrace American culture instead of blowing it up? I'm thinking... (see extended entry)

YAY! FREE MUSIC! - UPDATED 7:15 AM

RSM of When the Smoke Clears pointed me to The Music Genome Project.

It's sorta like Yahoo's LaunchCast, in that the more you rate the songs, the more likely their next selection will be to your liking.

However, unlike LaunchCast, MGP actually WORKS with Firefox.

Which is a BIG plus for me.

Anyway, go there, enter the name of your favorite artist, and it'll branch out from there.

Word of caution: you ARE limited on how many songs you can skip per hour, so try to limit skipping to songs that actually suck, and just turn the volume down a bit on the ones that are only so-so.

UPDATE 7:15 AM: I got an e-mail from MGP's founder Tim Westergren. Obviously a form letter, but still, it's the thought that counts:

WHAT A COINCIDENCE

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus posted about a Chicago Trib columnist (Amy Dickinson) who bashed blogs in a recent column. (Go here for a free Bug Me Not login if you're not registered with the Trib)

Ironically enough, I *just* got a letter from a concerned reader with her OWN tale of woe that shares some striking parallels with the Dickinson missive (you may want to read the Trib column first so that you can see the similarities).

I've posted it below, along with my response.

This woman provided details about conversations with "anonymous sources", details about secret National Security Agency programs, insensitive cartoons about wounded soldiers -- even exploitable details about the vulnerabilities of America's transportation infrastructure -- things that I am sure people never expected posted on the Web. I worry that, since chicagotribune.com has no conscience, they will sell my personal information to porn-spammers. What do you think of this?

Signed,
Tribulated

********

Dear Tribulated,

For people who don't know, chicagotribune.com is an online "newspaper" of other people's photos and life stories, where "journalists", build "readerships" and write "columns" to while away their sad and empty days. (A "newspaper" is large sheets of paper covered with words -- sort of like a CNN transcript.) According to one recent estimate, there are more than 70 million newspapers being printed around the world.

As your letter points out, the virtues of life at a newspaper are also its deficits. People can easily meet and develop working relationships, but the problem with developing relationships with strangers is that strangers have no reason to respect your privacy -- they have no qualms about exposing you for misquoting or even completely making up sources. Your story is yet another reason why life as a columnist has become not only messy but also so boring. People who live a journalist's life don't have actual experiences. Their stories tend to reflect that.

I can't understand why people are so hungry to share their every waking thought with the rest of the world -- and I certainly don't understand why people are interested in reading these musings, personal details and outright lies.

Maybe you should try reading blogs, instead.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder:What T-shirt is cool enough to keep you from getting kicked out of the State of the Union Address for wearing it? due by 9pm EDT Wednesday, February 8th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lies

Help an attempt to raise money for charity by posting a simple link: V7ndotcom elursrebmem

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Gloogle

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What would you have to do to make Evil Glenn issue a fatwa against you?

IT'S A GIRL!

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice has blessed me with another bouncing baby bloggranddaughter:

Rave of Quid Nunc

Ok, first things first: how the HELL do you pronounce that?

Now let's have a peek under the little pink blankie...

Artsy photo of herself - You'd think that living in Oklahoma she'd be getting a little more sun and be able to lose that unhealthy gray complexion.

Swim practice - Ya know, back in MY day, we had to ride our bikes two miles, uphill, both ways when we wanted to go to the swimming pool.

Hey, now HERE'S a sucky post! I'll have to teach her about the Bonfire of the Vanities.

Ass wax... just be grateful for the lack of pictures.

So THAT's what happened to Ben! Great guy. Haven't seen him in years.

Plum Pleasure Nubs - yes, it's about what you think it's about. Although she doesn't explain whether "plum" is the size or the color.

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops, but is not mandatory.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

BLOGSON CUSTODY BATTLE

Ok, Blogson Deathknyte of Bad Catholicism technically isn't just mine.

The Humble Devildog of Random Firings of Neurons and Beth of Yeah, Right, Whatever are looking to get him on weekends & holidays.

Now it IS true that HD & Beth got him primed, but they'd been priming him for like a year with no results. I actually persuaded him to crawl out of the birth canal.

However, I suppose I should do the honorable thing and update the Bad Example Family Tree post to note their contributions.

Anything to avoid child support payments.

Besides, that way I can blame Deathknyte's questionable behaviors on faulty genetics.

THE ONION SAW IT COMING

Did you see the ads for Gillette's new Fusion 5-blade razor?

That's old news to The Onion.

(strong language alert)

And if you have the patience to wait for the page to load, go ahead & have Cassandra the Fusion spokes-hussy talk dirty to you.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

A kiss is a lovely trick designed by nature to stop speech when words become superfluous.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[St. Lazarus anyone who receives this bill will be blessed with lots of money if they write this on 10 other bills.]

Maybe you'd have better luck praying to "Saint Stop-Drinking-And-Start-Working"?.

Separated at Birth?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Am I the only one who thinks Cindy Sheehan

looks like that sleepy bloodhound from Hee Haw - Beauregard the Wonderdog?

BROKEBACK TO THE FUTURE

The other gay cowboy movie.

The signs were always there... I just never picked up on 'em.

[Hat tip: Blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only!]

I DON'T WANT MY DAUGHTER TO GROW UP FEELING UGLY

Interestingly, Dove and their Campaign for Real Beauty are doing something about it.

Too many girls develop low self-esteem from hang-ups about looks and, consequently, fail to reach their full potential in later life. So, we've created the Dove Self-Esteem Fund as an agent of change to educate and inspire girls on a wider definition of beauty

Here's some more stuff from the site:

Feature Interactive Article
Owning Your Own Smile
Sometimes, you can spend so much time trying to look good and trying to fit in, you forget to feed your inner self. Find out how to flip the script!

Feature Quiz
How Do You Really Feel About Yourself?
Do you have your life 'on track'? Do you need a little push in that direction?

So, if you're a woman with body image issues (which, according to ArmyWifeToddlerMom, is pretty much EVERY woman), go see Dove.

Especially if you've got a daughter to worry about.

Slow Down! Slow Down!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Plagued by ruthless efficiency in recent re-building efforts, this Mosul road project was forced to import lazy-ass Teamsters from Jersey to maintain its featherbedding quota.

See CentCom for the complete story.

IT'S A GIRL!

Blogdaughter Tammi, has followed solidly in my footsteps my transforming her niece into her blogdaughter.

I swear, this family tree is more recursive than a Moebius strip.

Nevertheless, it's a pleasure to introduce Carmen of I'll Do What I Wanna Do...Gosh!.

Let's peer into the bassinet:

Stuff about her - My word! I'll bet most of the folks she's met in the meat-world don't know all this.

Issues with alarm clocks

Text anxiety - all that missing is the dream that she's taking the test in her underwear.

Oh, wait... that's MY dream... nevermind...

Is this a scene from The Shawshank Redemption?

Weatherblogging!... can cats be far behind?

Brags about how wet she is. I *like* that in a woman.

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

MATTY O'BLACKFIVE VS CNN

Item of interest - CNN spent 15 minutes talking about how brave these reporters in the field were before starting Matty O'Blackfive's segment ("Now here's a whackjob who thinks we're wrong")

Item that self-parodies - Just when Matt is about to specifically cite the good news from Iraq that isn't being covered... the CNN folks vehemently change to subject. Under the guise of "I want to expand on a point you just made, first, then we'll go back...", they go to the audience and chat idly about whether there was too much focus on the wounded reporters - getting one nervous guy with a military haircut to stumble through a long 'yes', and one Albanian to give a thickly-accented 'fair & balanced'. When they get back to Matt, it's NOT to list the overlooked good news.

Nice dodge, CNN.

Item that gives Matty a notch on his sniper rifle - After conceding CNN's point that human interest stories like those wounded reporters play better than stories about new buildings, Matt brings up - by NAME - several individuals who engaged in dramatic battlefield heroics, along with the phrase "Medal of Honor", and wonders aloud why THOSE stories haven't been covered.

Since no one in the audience has ever seen stories on any of the names Matt mentioned, and CNN has NO response to Matt's point - simply wrapping up the segment without rebuttal - I'm awarding a clean killshot to Matt.

So, CNN... why ARE wounded reporters more important than Medal of Honor winners?

Nice job, Matt.

Nice shirt, too.

ILLOOGLE

(A Filthy Lie)

Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.

Like this one, for example:

Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:

ILLOOGLE!™

A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.

With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:

Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.

Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.

Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.

Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.

Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!

Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.

CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.

Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!

Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)

Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:

ILLOOGLE!™

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Three words... Two people... One soul

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

HAPPY BIRTHDAY JOSH!

Josh, of Quibbles & Bits is turning... uh... some mysterious number or another today.

He's got a birthday wish list which includes getting an Instalanche.

Wonder if he'll settle for an Examplanche?

Anyway, here's a nice short story from his archives - some light reading for your weekend: The Mailbox.

SET YOUR VISUAL MEDIA RECORDING DEVICE

Matty O'Blackfive, CNN, 6pm Central, Saturday February 4th

Seriously.

Matty O'Blackfive backstage prep from Technography & Drunken Wisdom.

Not so seriously.

CONUNDRUM

Some days - due to time constraints - I have to make the choice between writing my blog posts and reading other people's blog posts.

No matter which I choose, I always feel like I should've chosen the other :-(

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The power of a glance has been so much abused in love stories that it has come to be disbelieved in. Few people dare now say that two beings have fallen in love because they have looked at each other. Yet it is in this way that love begins, and in this way only... Nothing is more real than these great shocks which two souls give each other in exchanging this spark.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Bruiser.com]

Not to be confused with wife-beaters.com, purveyors of fine cotton undergarments.

HONEY? CAN I GO OUT WITH THE BOYS TONIGHT?

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World posed an interesting question that she heard on a radio talk show:

"How many times a week should a man be allowed to go out with his friends?"

This question was based on the woman caller's assertion that "her husband was going out three nights a week with his friends and leaving her home alone. He and his friends even bought season tickets for some sporting team that didn't include any of the wives."

I don't know the woman, so this is just my speculation, but I'd be willing to bet that the issue the woman on the radio show was REALLY having probably wasn't that he was going out with the boys 3 times a week. More likely the REAL issue was that he wasn't going out with HER on any of the other 4 nights of the week.

In fact, I'd be willing to bet that if he would commit to making just one day a week a rock-solid, unbreakable "date-night" with the Mrs., she wouldn't be so concerned with his guy-time.

So the original question is just wrong-headed. Here's a better one that should be directed at the woman caller:

"If your man wants to go out with the boys 3 nights a week, what would he have to do on the other 4 nights of the week in order to make sure that you still feel loved?"

Ladies?

Hamas: The First 100 Days

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The happiest part of my body is my heart, because it always thinks of you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Happy Mother's Day 5-9-99]

Normally I only tip strippers with one dollar bills, but I felt sorry for Mom because she had to work on a holiday.

PEOPLE CALLED ROMANES THEY GO THE HOUSE

Sean of Sean Gleeson pointed out to me that the Latin I used in the Bad Example Clan motto does NOT actually say "It only sounds dirty".

Is it all wrong on purpose? Is that part of the "Bad Example" joke?

("SANUS" is not even a verb. It's an adjective. It means 'sound,' but only in the sense of 'healthy,' like in "sound of mind and body" kind of thing.)

"ID TANTUM SONATUR IMMUNDUM" would be correct

My excuse is that I used a free online English-Latin translator and just took the first result that came back.

Unfortunately, the translator didn't make adjustments for context or grammar, translated each word separately, and I was too clueless to know which meaning of "sound" it chose to translate.

Oops.

Unfortunately, the tartan & badges would have to be re-done from scratch, plus all Clan members would have to upload new images & tweak their templates AGAIN. I don't want to put people to that much bother, since the Clan is basically an exercise in silliness anyway.

So, I'll just engage one of the Bad Example Family Values and laugh at myself for having had a Life of Brian moment.

Anyway, if anyone is too terribly embarrassed about having a bad Latin motto on their site, you might consider as your solution having your fake Harvey quote say something like:

Harvey says: "Wait... I *meant* 'ID TANTUM SONATUR IMMUNDUM'! Geez... NEVER trust your Latin grammar to a free translator web page!"

I apologize for the error.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What joint project will Evil Glenn and Google be co-operating on? is due by 11pm EST Friday, February 3rd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Hamas - the first 100 days

Basil's Blog Tip: Posting Images on Blogger

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Haloscan Inline Trackbacks

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What T-shirt is cool enough to keep you from getting kicked out of the State of the Union Address for wearing it?

ARE YOU A WOMAN WITH BODY IMAGE ISSUES?

Think you're alone?

Can't find anyone who understands that all the "you're so pretty" in the world won't drown out the "you're so FAT!" demon that's always shrieking inside your head?

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World understands.

Go visit.

Her e-mail is in her sidebar under BIO STUFF if you want to talk about it, but aren't ready to leave a public comment.

I VOUCH FOR THE CHARACTER OF

Virtue of Rantings of an Indentured Servant, because she's a silver-tongued flatterer. Check it:

"Harvey is to blogging what Sean Connery is to the Film Industry.... he adds that certain amount of class through his distinguished air"

What's not to love?

UPDATE: Holy crap! I've gone vouch-happy!

She's Family so she doesn't need vouching. Nevermind.

(note to self: no more sniffing glue before posting....)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Swastika on either side of Washington, who's sporting a postage-stamp moustache)]

Drawn by a Neo-Nazi? Or perhaps just someone who likes Charlie Chaplin & pinwheels?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Ah, the dead of night, when you can lie awake pondering the wonders of the universe, the simplicity of life, or the beauty of the person you live for. Each can satisfy you, but only one will fulfill you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

[Like the Love Notes? Get the e-book]

I VOUCH FOR THE CHARACTER OF

Shadoglare of Refractional Darkness, because he's not afraid to speak truth to power.

"Soylent Green is bloggers!"

NOT JUST FOR SERIAL KILLER VICTIMS?

Og of Neanderpundit mentioned The Devil's Rejects, and noted that it seemed to feature a lot of people who ran out of gas.

Which got me thinking... who the heck runs out of gas?

I mean, your car has a gas gauge, and if that's not working, you fill it up after a conservative number of odometer turns, right?

I've had plenty of cars overheat, forcing me to pull over. But run out of gas? Never.

Am I alone on this?

*SO* CLOSE

Congratulations to Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple for rolling over the 1,000,000 visitor mark.

Ah, the power of boobies.

AT LEAST IT'S NOT A BANJO

Wes of Bodhran (Drum) Roll, Please! has a list of Bodhran jokes that I found amusing, mostly because I've heard Wes play.

If you don't know what a Bodhran is, get educated here so that you can appreciate the humor.

Oh, and Wes...

Here's THREE dollars...

(The rest of you will have to read the jokes to understand that last line.)