TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I breathe a little faster, it is because I am thinking of you with every breath I breathe, and I only want reason to think of you more.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[0160 Pepsi]

In an effort to cut the budget deficit, the US government is now accepting corporate sponsorship for nuclear missile launch codes.

IT'S A GIRL!

Bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks has brought a bouncing baby blogdaughter into the world.

In accordance with recent Bad Example Family Tree Trunk tradition, her daughter is actually her sister.

Tink of Tink's Tribulations

Cue the banjo music.

Anyway, let's see what's in the bassinet:

Teenage thong underwear blogging? Glad I'm not HER daughter.

See that face? The kid probably knows he's being blogged about.

Auto-pyromaniacal tendencies? - check.

Wow... and I thought *I* had a horse-dog...

Pic of Mama Bug having a bad make-up day. On the bright side, even without lipstick, eyeshadow, or blush, she's still DAMN hot.

The cast of characters - The folks Tink plans to blog about. For the record, sweetie, you need to either A) link that post somewhere near the top of your sidebar for easy reference or B) put the list itself in the sidebar. Your readers will thank you, because that's a HELL of a list. Either that or learn about the ACRONYM tag.

On the pain of saying goodbye.

Does Excedrin come in IV form? Maybe with an automatic timer on the drip, like a coffee-maker?

Good question - "Now explain to me how you can get an F in art?"

How did Tink wear out her batteries? *I'm* not telling...

Chicken recipe - I'll never try it, but only because it doesn't involve microwaving something in a cardboard tray.

Next on Fox - "When Trees Attack!"

So Bug's hubby is now "Bug Brains"... does this make anyone else think of those gigantic, maggoty-looking things in "Starship Troopers"?

Some Memorial Day thoughts, with pics of her military boys. Say, is that an EM3 patch on Nuke's shoulder?

Pointing out other good Memorial Day posts.

Kid blogging. If I had a paternal bone in my body, I'd probably say something like "AWWWW! Cute!"

A little game of "hide the hairbrush", anyone?

Which only SOUNDS dirty.

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops, but is not mandatory.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: In addition to lying about his Ranger service and war atrocities, what else has Jesse MacBeth been lying about? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 31st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn gets dressed

New Filthy Lie Assignment: How will Evil Glenn be celebrating 6-6-6 Day?

THE HARD PART IS GETTING STARTED

Bloggranddaughter Rave of Quid Nunc is wondering how to start her exercise program so she can finish attaining her weight goal.

My suggestion - a two-minute workout.

Seriously.

Why?

Because:

1) It's not much, but it's still better than the nothing you're doing now.

2) "It's only 2 minutes" is a fairly convincing argument if you find yourself "not in the mood".

3) The hardest part of any exercise program is getting the habit. Once you have the habit, then it's easier to convince yourself to do more.

Doesn't matter what you do for those two minutes. Even walking in place. Just something vaguely exercise-related. You can fine-tune it later. The important thing is that your self-concept changes to "I'm a person who exercises".

Make that switch, and you win.

*GIGGLE*

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has apparently had his amazing talent for song parody since he was 12.

If you're familiar with the theme song from the Spiderman cartoon, check out SpiderBill.

Let's Make Fun of the Idiots

(Cross-posted from IMAO)

Withered old hippy Neil Young has penned hisself a 21st century protest song, "Let's Impeach The President". Lyrics as follows:

Let’s impeach the president for lying
And leading our country into war
Abusing all the power that we gave him
And shipping all our money out the door

He’s the man who hired all the criminals
The White House shadows who hide behind closed doors
And bend the facts to fit with their new stories
Of why we have to send our men to war

Let’s impeach the president for spying
On citizens inside their own homes
Breaking every law in the country
By tapping our computers and telephones

What if Al Qaeda blew up the levees
Would New Orleans have been safer that way
Sheltered by our government’s protection
Or was someone just not home that day?

Let’s impeach the president
For hijacking our religion and using it to get elected
Dividing our country into colors
And still leaving black people neglected

Thank god he’s cracking down on steroids
Since he sold his old baseball team
There’s lot of people looking at big trouble
But of course the president is clean

Thank God

Inspired by his complete inabilty to master the art of meter & rhyme after 40 years of penning pompous squeals of indignation, I've decided to write my own counter-protest song. I just hope it's clumsy and unsingable enough to become a hit with the tie-dyed intellectuals.

Let's make fun of the idiots who're lying
Trying to make our country lose the war
Abusing all the freedom of speech they have
And shipping the truth right out the door

They're the men who cheer on the terrorists
The murderers plotting behind closed doors
Leaving out facts to fit their agendas
Forgetting who struck first to start the war.

Let's make fun of the idiots who say it's spying
To listen to terrorists because they're calling from home
To other terrorists outside the country
I guess it's their right to plan killings over the phone.

They think that George Bush blew up the levees
Poor construction wouldn't make them fail that way
Don't point fingers at Ray Nagin's government
Because he couldn't find any bus drivers that day

Let's make fun of the idiots
For smearing Bush just to try to get elected
Campaigning on the politics of color
Yet still leaving black people neglected

It's sad to see these people stuck on stupid
In this war they're rooting for the enemy's team
The New York Times prints state secrets on the front page.
But they say their consciences are still clean

It's sad.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Never felt this way before, never looked at a woman and thought - if civilization fails, if the world ends, I now know what God meant, as long as I'm with her.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(a lot of drawing on Hamilton's face)]

Would someone PLEASE tell Michael Jackson that the plastic surgery isn't helping anymore?

BECAUSE I DON'T BLOG ENOUGH PLACES ALREADY

I've always thought you could make a fairly decent blog just by posting forwarded e-mails.

Thus the experiment:

Forward This Email

So far the only hits have been from people who accidentally ended up there from clicking the "Next Blog" button on someone's Blogger site, but it'll be interesting to see what happens once it starts turning up in Google searches.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY MACHELLE!

DAMN!

I left myself a reminder on the 26th to get her something nice, then forgot about it until this morning.

Nevertheless, I think my little Quality Weenie will enjoy her (first) 39th b-day present:

(click to enlarge)

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I miss you even more than I could have believed; and I was prepared to miss you a good deal. So this letter is just really a squeal of pain. It is incredible how essential to me you have become. I suppose you are accustomed to people saying these things. Damn you, spoilt creature; I shan't make you love me any more by giving myself away like this - But oh my dear, I can't be clever and stand-offish with you: I love you too much for that.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: US-RARECOINS.COM)]

November 2, 2009: One year after Hillary lost the Presidential race in the first unanimous electoral college vote since George Washington was elected (due in part to her now-infamous "Of COURSE I'm a lesbian" speech), and 6 months after the bitter divorce proceedings ended, Bill Clinton, once the most powerful man in the world, was reduced to rubber-stamping currency for piece-rate wages.

Oddly, no one felt his pain.

MEMORIAL DAY

I got a link to this video slideshow via Mensa Barbie. According to the comments at the video hosting site, a lot of people liked it. I didn't. The music sounded like a rejected "Survivor" theme, and there were too many pictures of live soldiers.

Today isn't about the living. That's Veteran's Day.

Today is about the ones who didn't come home.

I don't believe in the afterlife, so I won't waste my breath saying "thank you" to the unhearing dead.

But I will say "thank you" to those who lost loved ones in America's wars.

It's not easy loving someone who's deployed. Trying to keep a family together, trying to keep your spirits up, and always, ALWAYS the fear and uncertainty.

And for some, the crushing pain - the worst possible loss.

And then the coping. The moving on. The living again. Somehow finding a way to be happy and enjoying a life of freedom in the greatest nation in the world.

Which is why they fought.

The best way to honor the memory of the dead and the sacrifices of the living is to do something you enjoy.

So go.

Do.

Enjoy.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There is nothing that means more to me
Than the joys of life you've helped me see
With your openness and honesty
You will always have me
...and my love.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[2 Reg 1 Diet]

Evil Glenn brand Puppy Shakes - on sale at Wal-Mart: 3 for $1

Now available in new low-calorie formula, too. Mix and match, limit 3 per customer.

OH YEAH? NAME ONE

I got this forwarded e-mail listing various unrealistic events found in popular movies (posted below in the extended entry).

The challenge - name one specific movie where this actually happened. Not a TV show (although movies made from TV shows are ok), and not a movie that's obviously farcical and makes zero effort to apply real-world physics, like "Airplane" or "Naked Gun".

I'm gonna need some help with this. The cliches all SEEM familiar, yet I have very few clear memories that associate a given event with a specific movie title. They just kind of blur together. I swear I've seen them all, I just can't remember where.

THEY ALL GIVE IN EVENTUALLY... MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Life-partner (don't ask) Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks has cracked, and - after playing hard-to-get for years - is now requesting a nomination to MuNu.

Go thither and give a YAY!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Oh guide me, guide me that I may prove worthy of one so good and true, if she may be mine.

[Quote stolen and slightly modified from Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Laundry]

Obviously, the woman who wrote this is still single, because when you ask a woman to name a room in her house where she performs an unpleasant chore and which contains a large, noisy, smelly vibrating machine, the married ones usually answer "bedroom".

REAL MEN USE NUCLEAR GRADE DUCT TAPE

Ah... THAT'S why the duct tape I used in the Navy was so much better than the crap I buy in the store.

Like indulging in a bottle of fine wine, I think everyone should try nuclear-grade duct tape at least once.

Stopping Iran's Nuke Program

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.

NOT FOR PEOPLE WHO FEAR PC

20 minutes of Carlos Mencia during his stand-up days, back before he got his own show.

If you're stuck on dial-up and can't do streaming video, try going to KeepVid, selecting "YouTube" from the drop-down menu, and downloading it while you do something else, like sleep or vacation.

RAISE YOUR HAND IF YOU GOT THAT JOB YOU WERE AFTER

You... in the back... blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World.

Congratulations.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I were to tell you all the tenderness of my heart, I should do nothing but write to you.

[Quote stolen from Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[March 16 '72 49 million WSB G Taylor]

The other $48,999,999 is buried under the Big W.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: How does Evil Glenn dress for work? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, May 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Speeding Up Your Blog (Revisited)

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Stopping Iran's Nukes

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: In addition to lying about his Ranger service and war atrocities, what else has Jesse MacBeth been lying about?

MAYBE YOU SHOULD START DRIVING YOUR KIDS TO SCHOOL

Because school bus drivers have no qualms about letting adult male muslims climb aboard.

Blogson _Jon of We Swear thinks that this might be a dry run for a series of school bus hijackings.

Which is a better explanation than the ones the couple of "not terrorists" gave.

DID "INNER NEIGHBORHOOD SERVICES" SCARE AWAY ILLEGAL IMMIGRANT CONSTRUCTION WORKERS?

Snopes is vague, but doubtful.

My blogless brother Roy forwarded the e-mail to me, which is why I mention it.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Oh, how I adore you! I am perfectly sure that you are the greatest, most wonderful, most loveable woman who ever lived. I am not expressing an opinion, I am simply stating a self-evident fact.

[Quote stolen & slightly modified from Jen of Jennifer's History & Stuff]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Sept 21 2002 Happy B-day From Jorvell Do not spend it]

"Well," thought Bill Clinton, "depending on what the meaning of the word 'spending' is, I don't think stuffing this into a stripper's g-string would violate the rule."

QUOTE OF THE DAY

When asked to describe a Beauty Academy, bloggreatgranddaughter Zephyr of Zephyr's Place said:

"imagine high school, then take out all of the guys"

Which just made me giggle for some reason.

FOR YOU SCAT FANS

Natalie Maines has apparently decided to rub shit all over herself and drink urine in the new Dixie Chicks video "Not Ready to Make Nice".

At least, that's what it looks like to me. I don't like her, her band, her music, or her political opinions, so that may be biasing my observations.

Lyrics to the song can be found here, in case you can't quite make out what Mumbles is singing.

Oh, and blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities describes what a two-faced, back-stabbing, money-grubbing whore Maines is.

Teresa doesn't actually use the word "whore", though, and - out of respect for the profession - I probably shouldn't either.

ELEVATOR MAN'S NEW RIDE

Am I imagining things, or did Quality Weenie just post a picture of Johnny-Oh driving to work?

UNLOADING YOUR BAGS

Bloggranddaughter Rave of Quid Nunc read Tammi's post on 'personal baggage' and pondered the way bloggers deal with personal issues:

Usually we pick one or two special friends, ones we know won’t let our secret out, and test our thoughts on them. If that goes well, we might blog about it. But not a truthful post. Only enough of a post to get the idea out there, without giving away too much, without tipping over the suitcase and the fear pouring out, and then we wait and gauge the reactions of others. The responses we get determine how we proceed.

Silly, isn’t it? Am I alone in thinking this is how bloggers do things?

No, Rave, you're not alone.

Not at all.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love make the world seem brighter and more beautiful. Everything is touched with magic... and that magic is you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(random scribblings)]

I have no idea what this is, but I'm sure that somewhere a Muslim extremist is offended by it.

BLOGS FACES & THE CLAN - UPDATE

There weren't a lot of volunteers to appear in Clan Row at Blogs With A Face, so Thomsen took the liberty of drafting the Clan blogs and putting them in Clan Row.

If the thought of being associated as such mortifies you, you can request to be moved elsewhere at BWAF or removed entirely.

Also, you might want to check to see if you like the picture he used to link your blog. Drop him a line if you have another preference.

Meanwhile, BWAF is still accepting all other participants, so go join the mob before it stops being hip & trendy.

THIEF STEALS DATA ON 26 MILLION MILITARY VETERANS

As a veteran, I have to say that this sucks:

The Department of Veterans Affairs reported Monday that a laptop computer containing the names, dates of birth and Social Security numbers of over 26,000,000 veterans was stolen from the home of an employee who had taken the data home without authorization.

A copy of the letter being sent to affected veterans is available at the link.

[alerted via an e-mail from One Happy Dog Speaks]

MEANWHILE ACROSS THE POND

Just a general update on Blogdaughter Sally of Whimsy Capricious and Blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland, both of whom have been missing from the blogging scene for the last couple months.

They (and their daughter Tara) are alive and well and still living in England. They've bought a new house, the decorating of which is eating a lot of their time.

As you can imagine the house, whilst being brand spanking new, still needs a lot of work doing to it to bring it from just being a house into being a home.... almost all the spare time and effort we have is going into getting the living room right at the moment - my nice bonus I got for project completion just went on a new sofa, paint, cushions and curtains. We are having new flooring laid next week in that room in an effort to have at least one room done in the way that we want. On top of all of that I have my family threatening to come down and see the house so we have to get something sorted sooner rather than later in that respect too.

The downside, of course, is that there will be no more Munchkin stories.

Meanwhile Alex is ungodly busy with his business, so while he has the URGE to write, he hasn't got the time.

On the bright side, I found one of his recent clients to be particularly fascinating.

I wonder when this will hit the States?

BEING CHILDLESS, I CAN'T ANSWER THIS QUESTION

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice says:

"I want my child to be content in life, to have good relationships and to be law abiding functioning and contributing person in our society."

Parents - I'm curious... what do you want for your children?

FEMININE HYGIENE PRODUCTS - IT'S ALL IN THE BRANDING

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice says that FemHyg Products have unattractive packaging:

So this feminine hygiene product in pink and blue? Why not red? Red would be perfect because… you know. Red.

Or Black? We all feel like complete crap, even me. Why not black boxes? It’s fitting for the mood. Trust me. A big black box with Red Letters. Nothing quite says, ‘I’ll kick your ass and not give a crap about your name’ like a big black box with red letters full of tampons. Heh.

Or Green? Just because. I like green. A dark green box. I like it.

Good idea.

I'll start my own brand of FemHyg Products with their own fancy packaging:

GRUMPY PUSSY™ BRAND PADS & TAMPONS

"I'm dripping wet and irritated... don't f*ck with me!"

I think chicks would buy them, don't you?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your voice makes me tremble inside and your smile is an invitation for my imagination to go wild.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: some foreign words, and something about the Bat Nha Temple)]

The monks of the Bat Nha Temple recently announced that enlightenment can now be purchased using Super Happy Lucky Fun Buddha Dollars.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What would it take to make Iran give up its nuclear program? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Liars CAN get an Instalanche

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn and the NSA

New Filthy Lie Assignment: How does Evil Glenn dress for work?

YOU! IMPRESS ME, DAMMIT!

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks is having a mid-life crisis and YOU get to help him.

He's turning 35 on May 29th, but he's not quite sure how to react, so he's taking suggestions. Guidelines & restrictions can be found at the above link.

I get to be one of the judges for this "best crisis activity" contest, so I should probably mention that I'm eminently bribable.

Meanwhile, here's what I'm thinkin'... a good mid-life crisis helps you throw off that burdensome sense of adult responsibility and allows your to recapture the excitement of your misspent youth. Psychologically, it's about becoming younger so that death doesn't seem so near.

Ironically, it usually involves doing stupid, irresponsible things that might get you killed.

Anyway, how about:

Innovate with facial hair - Soul patch, mutton chops, and a Rollie Fingers combo, perhaps?

Bad toupee and/or hair-in-a-can cover-up.

Purchasing and working out with some crappy piece of cheap-ass, ineffective infomercial exercise equipment, like the Ab Force Ab Roller.

Anyway, the winning entry will win "a real and tangiable prize", so in order to make sure Grau gets your entry, you should probably leave it in HIS comments instead of mine, although you can also do both, or just post about it on your own blog and send a trackback to the old bastard.

If your trackback doesn't work, leave a link in his comments.

Or just email it to him.

Or crayon it onto a piece of paper, tie it around a rock, and throw it through his window.

Whichever.

SURE... *NOW* THEY WANT TO HELP US...

Calimus of Technography points out that Microsoft is working on making Word more blogger-friendly.

Too little, too late, but good on 'em, I suppose.

I stopped using Word a couple years ago. My Bad Money blog is littered with "?" from their &*%$ing proprietary quotes, apostrophes, & ellipses.

I curse them all and their illegitimate progeny.

I'm strictly a NoteTab Light kinda guy now. And on the rare occasions when I *do* compose in something else, I copy & paste it into NTL, which cleans all the crap out of it and gives me nice, plain, unformatted text.

Mostly I don't bother with spell-check since most of my typos are homonyms and skipped words, which wouldn't get spotted anyway. On the rare occasions that I don't know how to spell a word, I just Google it with my best guess. If I get the [definition] link on the top-right of the page, I know I spelled it right.

Meanwhile, if I weren't such a cheap bastard, I'd shell out the $10 to upgrade to NoteTab Standard, which includes a spellcheck feature, but I'm not wasting good beer money on something I'll hardly ever use.

NEEDS MORE COWBELL

Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus mentioned the David Hasselhoff video of "Hooked on a Feeling".

Disturbing.

But not quite as disturbing as imagining the thought process of the songwriter for Blue Swede - the first band to insert the infamous "ooga chakka" chant into the song.

"Hmmm... I've got this catchy little BJ Thomas ditty... now what can I do to make it better..."

"I know! I'll have some guys chant 'ooga chakka' during the intro!"

Seriously, dude, what the F*CK???

Anyway, that's evolved into an inside joke between me & TNT. If she asks me if I like a song, I tell her "it's not bad, but it really needs more ooga chakkas".

Oh, and here's someone's theory on Blue Swede's insanity:

"Ooga Chacka!" Playing "Indians and cowboys" is, for some unknown reason, very popular among Swedish kids. Or at least was, before Nintendo polluted their minds. (Sorry for the political incorrectness, but it was just never called "Native Americans and cowboys"). Anyway, after a tribe catches a cowboy, in Swedish kids' minds, they tie him to the totem pole and do a tribal dance around him singing "Ooga chacka". Björn Schiffs, being a very funny and childish person - in Sweden likely as known for his comedy acting as his music - probably remembered his childhood as he wrote the intro.
- Dennis, Cebu, Philippines(nat. Swedish, Other

Finally, here's a link for those who don't get the title of this post.

GENDER CHECK

Denny of Grouchy Old Cripple posted his Saturday Boobage with a group shot featuring a variety of shapes & sizes [NC17 on that link].

However, upon closer inspection, I'm thinking that "bottom row, second from the left" is (or used to be) a guy. Note the large hand and the chiseled features.

Might be a couple other trannies in there, too (e.g. top row, fifth from the right).

Can't be sure without a package check, of course, but bad wigs and fake boobs always get my Sailor Sense tingling.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Sometimes we make love with our eyes.
Sometimes we make love with our hands.
Sometimes we make love with our bodies.
Always we make love with our hearts.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[CUBS]

Actually, it's an acronym for Chicago's Underachieving Baseball Schmucks.

NSA Monitors Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

...always watching...

HILTON HOTELS SUCK

And Matty O'Blackfive has a suggestion for how to make them realize that there's a price to pay for screwing over Fran O'Brien's.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Thinking of your lips
Warm, soft, the taste of your tongue
Sweet with chocolate

[via Jennifer's History & Stuff]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

THE BLOGIVERSARY CODE

So you have a buttload of favorite blogs, and you'd LIKE to celebrate their blogiversaries every year, but you just can't keep track of all those dates.

Jim of bRight & Early has a solution - The Blogiversary Database.

Just fill out the painfully easy form, confirm your submission, and you're in. Encourage your friends to do likewise, and you'll always be able to remember their special day.

For convenience, there's even a tiny piece of javascript you can put in your sidebar to display Blogiversaries (yesterday's, today's & tomorrow's). Once it's in your template, it updates by itself, so no extra work for you. Check my left sidebar below the Reader Quotes section to see how it looks.

Now go sign up so that I can keep track of you.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[NEVER WORK AGAIN PREPACKAGEDFUSION.COM]

Now, when you say "never work again", do you mean as in "won the lottery", or as in "Michael Jackson unsupervised around children"?

ON REGULAR ITEMS

Since two people commented on the lack of regularity of Graffiti Currency & Love Notes (which - statistically extrapolated - means 200 other people have the same concern), I should probably make up a lame excuse to cover myself.

You would think it would be easier to be regular, since it's just copy & paste, but for some reason it's actually been harder. Seems I'll spend the first part of the day writing regular blog posts, with the intention of putting up TGC & TLN afterwards, but then I get distracted by a shiny object - usually the one I'm married to - and not get back to my computer until the next day.

I blame a shiny object attack for missing the Love Note on Friday.

Anyway, in the future, I'll make more of an effort to get those two items posted somewhere between midnight & midnight on any given day, even if it means they follow consecutively, which I've been trying to avoid.

Meanwhile, you, the reader, are responsible for positively reinforcing my behavior by leaving comments telling me what a wonderful human being I am.

Or impugning my ancestry, sexual preference, and/or manhood.

Whichever.

NOT THE RED ONE! DON'T *EVER* PUSH THE RED ONE!

Blogson Wandering Gunslinger of Gunpowder Grotto posted his "A" paper "How to win the war on drugs and still get to burn things"

I'm not sure I agree with his statement that "the government’s current method of curbing the drug market has only succeeded in increasing its size", but I would agree that it's created the violent crime associated with the drug trade. By making it illegal, they've effectively forbidden civilized dispute resolution within the court system, so people are left to sort things out with gunplay.

I say legalize drugs and then let the lawyers destroy all the drug-producers with class-action lawsuits.

Even if you have no interest in an economic analysis of the drug trade (even one with plenty of amusing, tongue-in-cheek commentary), DO be sure to click over and at least check out the author's end-note at the bottom.

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[*People Kill People* *NOT Guns*]

Except for Ted Kennedy, who kills both.

Donald Rumsfeld's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied

Any other guesses?

MAN ON FIRE

Blogson _Jon of We Swear has seen United 93, and had a reaction.

I haven't seen him this agitated in a LONG time.

It's nice to see him swearing again.

Anyway, I may try to talk Beloved Wife TNT into seeing the movie now. I was going to give it a miss, since I still remember what happened on 9/11, but after reading _Jon's post, I get the feeling that maybe it would do me good to remember it a little more clearly.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What suspicious activities will an NSA analysis of Evil Glenn's phone records show? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, May 19th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Checking Your Blog's Appearance

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Rummy's Blog

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What would it take to make Iran give up its nuclear program?

CROTCHFEST '06

Bloggranddaughter Sarah the Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs wants you to post a picture featuring a crotch and then send her a link so that she can do a round up.

Sort of a "Carnival of the Crotch", except that - God willing - it won't become a weekly event.

Anyway, my contribution's in the extended entry...

NAILED IT

I usually find Victor Davis Hanson's essays to be long-winded and boring, but this one is so abjectly spot-on, I feel morally obligated to acknowledge it:

"Imagine if we’d reported and opined on WWII the way we do now."

[via Wizbang]

TORN BETWEEN TWO LAPTOPS

Blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City is trying to make a decision on a computer purchase, and asks:

a) AMD or Intel Core Duo ?
b) Password or Biometric security?
c) Fast Ethernet vs Ethernet, IEEE 802.11a, IEEE 802.11b, IEEE 802.11g, Gigabit Ethernet
d) Open Slots: 1 Memory, 1 PC Card vs. 1 Memory SO DIMM 200-pin, 1 CardBus Type I/II, 1 ExpressCard 34mm/54mm.
e) DDR SDRAM or DDR II SDRAM-667 MHz

Personally, I would flip a coin, but if you have better advice, please offer it.

She also wonders:

I'm doing research into setting up a home wireless network, any suggestions or tips on things I should look out for or include?

Um... flip a LOT of coins?

Again - better advice is welcome.

SQUIRRELS ARE YOUR FRIENDS

Or at least your test subjects.

I'm hoping this post will cheer up bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom, since she's currently suffering from Post Traumatic Squirrel Disorder.

GEE, I GUESS MY PENIS REALLY *IS* TINY

Gaze into the Total Perspective Vortex and despair.

*TPV explained

[via Pajamas Media]

KISS! KISS! KISS!

I'm just trying to see if the word "kiss" in a post title attracts spammers, because this post keeps sucking 'em in like they were caught in Jupiter's gravity well. I've probably deleted about 100 of 'em so far and just had another one today.

MAYBE IT'S BECAUSE I'M NOT A BITTER LITTLE MAN CONSUMED WITH ENVY

Democrats are complaining because the latest Bush tax cut will only provide an average of $20 to Joe-six-packs like me, but $42,000 to those making $1 million plus.

the American people are beginning to understand that when they talk about tax cuts, they're not talking about helping middle-class people. They're talking about helping the wealthiest corporations and individuals among us," said Sen. Charles Schumer, D-N.Y.

Ya know something Schumer? F*ck you.

That's still 20 bucks more than I would've had if idiots like YOU were in charge, and my soul is not so black and shriveled that I can't be grateful for the small things I *do* get, even though I'd have been happier with more. For example:

My health club has a machine that rents movies for $1 a night. Now I'll be able to watch 20 more movies than I would've.

Or buy 3 more bags of my favorite Kenya AA coffee.

Or take my wife out to dinner at a Chinese buffet place, and still have enough change left over to buy her a bottle of that White Zinfandel wine she likes.

True, these are only small pleasures, but they are pleasures nonetheless, and who the hell is Charles "6-figure-salary" Schumer to begrude ME these small pleasures simply because he hates people who make 7 figures?

What a tiny, wretched, bastard of a man.

$20 isn't nothing to me, Mr. Schumer.

But you are.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If you think my eyes are beautiful, it's because they're looking at you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(dollar with orange and yellow spots)]

A person's answers to the Rorschach test can often be helpful in detecting mental disorders such as unhealthy obsessions. For example, my answer to this one was "boobies."

Dick Cheney's Rejected War On Terror Strategies

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Lacking any real news, the New York Times is reporting that Dick Cheney suggested warrantless wire-taps of purely domestic phone calls. Apparently the Bush administration is now guilty of things it DIDN'T do, too.

Here are some of the other Cheney suggestions that got shot down:

* Guess what would have formed Mohammed's mouth?

* If this one ever does pass, I'm already compliant.

* No one allowed on a plane without an official "NOT A TERRORIST" hand stamp.

* Bush should use his connections with God to cause a plague of locusts to descend on terrorist training camps.

* And San Francisco.

* No one who owns a red light saber will be allowed to learn the ways of the Force.

* No left-handed sword-fighting unless you are, indeed, left-handed.

* Anyone who can make that "ULULULULULULU!" sound will be relocated to a highly flammable building in Waco.

* Random pop-culture quizzes with questions like "Who won the World Series?", "How many licks does it take to get to the center of a Tootsie Pop?", and "What celestial body does Frank J. advocate nuking?"

* Arrest anyone wearing any form of turban, especially hot, naked women just stepping out of the shower.

FILL IN THE BLANK

"I had wild _______"

[Hint: the answer begins with the letter "s"]

(explanation in the comments)

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love and electricity are one in the same, my dear... if you do not feel the jolt in your soul every time a kiss is shared, a whisper is spoken, a touch is felt, then you're not really in love at all.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(penny with a heart-shaped hole)]

A diamond is forever. THIS is just long enough to say, "I think we should see other people."

IT'S NOT THE SIZE, IT'S THE FREQUENCY

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities brings up the topic of feeling a little hurt when your friends don't visit your blog & comment, even though they've been commenting elsewhere.

Being a guy, I'm less susceptable to this whole "feeling" thing, but not completely immune. And for those on my blogroll who may wonder where I've been & why I never stop by, I'll explain it like this.

I've got a HUGE list of regular reads (Annoying Neighbors & Bloggers I've Met), and there came a point where I simply couldn't make the rounds every day any more. I'm currently on a 7-day cycle - I usually start at the top of Annoying Neighbors on Monday, and finish the last of the Bloggers I've Met on the weekend. How fast I go in the middle depends on the vagaries of random mood swings & real-life time-demands.

Now, I'm pre-disposed to comment when I stop by. If your post inspires even a short, smartass remark, I'll likely leave it. However, sometimes I'm tired or just uninspired, and I've got nothing to say, so instead of forcing it, I'll just move on and hope that I get noticed in the referer logs. It's not personal, it's just that sometimes Bosco's out carousin', and the pointy-stick-o-inspiration is nowhere to be found.

Anyway, just wanted you to know that if you're on my list, you DO get read at least weekly. Sometimes more often, if I'm following a link from somewhere else, but always once somewhere in that 7-day period.

DOES THIS MEAN I'M COOL NOW? (REVISED 3:30PM)

I'm on Blogs With A Face!

I'll be the Bad Example Clan banner. By special arrangement with the host, if you're a member of the Bad Example Clan, mention it when you send in your picture, and Thomsen (the brilliant and talented host of the site) will put you in my row (or somewhere to my right, at least, depending on your screen resolution).

[Hat tip: American Digest]

THE HARD-CORE ANTI-WAR LEFT IN A NUTSHELL

Trendy young girl with web tattoo on shoulder listens intently on her cell-phone to a friend and then complains that their numbers may be recorded by the NSA. Crosses the street unconsciously confident that no car within ten thousand miles will explode. Resenting the reasons why.

[American Digest]

IT'S EVEN *MORE* FUN WHEN YOU HAVE SIX BROTHERS

See bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks for a damned amusing video of two brothers trying to do something nice for Mother's Day.

Yeah, I can relate to this one.

CRACKING UNDER PRESSURE

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice has relented to my nagging and agreed to put up a "Reader Quotes" section in her sidebar.

Now all she needs is some quotes.

If you have something interesting, witty, or even sufficiently silly to say about Bou or her blog, go drop it in her comments.

For example:

"Like Erma Bombeck, except with more funny. AND more sword-wielding vengeance."

or

"Smart like The Professor. Hot like Mary Ann. Unpredictably violent like a Kupa-Ki headhunter."

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment: If Donald Rumsfeld had a blog, what would it be like?

Is due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 17th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Mother's Day

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What suspicious activities will an NSA analysis of Evil Glenn's phone records show?

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Moussaoui's Punishment

WILL DEAN CAIN STAR IN A DELIVERANCE REMAKE?

Shimauma says:

He's REALLY hot though when he wears black...and just look at those beautiful soul searching eyes...yep, HOT.

I say:

He's shore got a perty mouf...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The moment I can't feel you under my fingertips, I miss you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[You will be blessed with lots of money if you write this on ten other bills]

Beset by financial woes, Air America desperately attempts to raise working capital.

GREAT MOMENTS IN CROSS-CULTURAL COMMUNICATION

(cross-posted from IMAO)

(click to enlarge)

In their "Celebrating American Diversity" class, Iraqi children learn how to flash a variety of popular gang signs.

[pic via CENTCOM - real story here]

SCIENCE LABS = CRAP

Back in high school, I had the crotchetiest old Chemistry teacher you've ever seen. Sorta like Ben Stein, except taller, less energetic, and thoroughly jaded by 30+ years of teaching teenagers.

One of his "charming quirks" was how your lab work figured into your grade. Instead of giving you a score that figured into your final grade, he graded your lab reports Sat/Unsat, and if you had more than 1 Unsat lab report, he dropped your final grade by half a letter (e.g. C to C-).

After struggling for 3 hours with my first report only to have it returned to me covered in an ocean's worth of red ink (my spirit snapped like a dry twig somewhere around the third inch-high-and-underlined "NO!!!") I decided that I'd save a couple dozen working hours of fruitless struggle, not turn in another damn lab report at all, and just eat the downgrade.

Which worked out more or less fine.

Why am I telling you this?

Because it's the memory that was conjured after reading this frustrated student's lab report.

It's probably just an Onion-esque urban legend, but I still found it delightful.

And I'm DEFINITELY sympathetic.

[Hat tip to old-high-school-buddy Zaui of This-N-That]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

OH!... I just remembered how my hands fit the curve of your waist and how your smiles fit the curve of my mind.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[48]

Some 40 years later, Bob Dylan learned that he'd been mistaken, and the answer was actually written on a dollar bill.

NO, REALLY, IT'S *JUST* A COMMERCIAL

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Via Right Wing Nation, I found an offended feminist complaining about this Carl's Jr. commercial wherein Dr. 90210 recommends breast augmentation... the punchline being that he's talking to a chicken, and chicken sandwiches are what's being advertised. But yon offended feminist claims that it's not "just a commercial"

It's not "just" anything. It's an ideological piece of propaganda designed to justify two things: the annihilation of chicken's lives and the annihilation of the human female's self esteem.

Gotta disagree.

Here's what the commercial is designed to do:

Sell chicken sandwiches.

But what the hell does a cosmetic surgeon have to do with food?

Here's the deal - prior to about 1950 or so, advertisements took the direct approach. They told people why a product was good and asked them to buy it. Maybe they threw in a jingle to help folks remember the product's name.

But somewhere in the early 50's, marketing researchers discovered that listing the features and asking for the sale wasn't necessary. Just the jingle. Because people don't choose which products to buy for logical reasons, they buy them for emotional ones, and make up the logical ones afterwards to justify it.

Ultimately resulting in marketers designing ad campaigns that went straight for the emotions.

The way they do this is to spend the bulk of the commercial using sensory stimuli designed to put you into a particular emotional state - usually a positive one - and then telling you what they want you to buy in the hopes that the product will become associated in your mind with the positive state.

Does this mean that every time you pass a Carl's Jr., you'll slam on the brakes and zombie-shuffle into the store to buy a chicken sandwich?

No.

But if you're hungry and you're driving around and you see a Carl's Jr. sign, when you ask yourself "should I stop here?", a quick mental Googling of your inner database will turn up a response of "I've heard of Carl's Jr. and my general feelings toward it are more or less positive".

You may stop at Carl's Jr., you may not. But the commercial upped the odds somewhat.

But why would Carl's Jr. advocate murdering chickens and demeaning women in an attempt to make people feel good?

They. Didn't.

It was a joke. It was funny. Here's why:

In order for something to be funny, it needs both truth and exaggeration. If it's only exaggeration, it's just a lie. If it has only truth, it's a physics textbook. You need both.

However, if you don't have any truth handy, a popularly accepted stereotype will work almost as well, since a stereotype is something that's true for a significant portion - but not all - of a given group of people.

In this case, the stereotype is that women are insecure about their physical appearance, and some will seek to correct that through breast augmentation. The exaggeration is that this would apply to a chicken.

Throw in a pun on the word "breast" and you have humor. Which is designed to make you laugh so that you feel good so that you'll associate Carl's Jr. with that good feeling and stop into one of their restaurants to spend your money which they'll spend on more funny commercials.

Thus completing the Circle of Corporate Life.

The next logical "offended feminist" question is, "But doesn't it say something about the corporation that they chose to joke about women's breasts instead of, say, professional football, like in those nice Creepy-the-King burger commercials?"

Probably not. It's more likely that it's just what came off the top of the ad agency's head that morning.

As a self-described humor writer, I know how the creative process works, and it's something like this: you pick a topic, you free-associate some facts & stereotypes, and when you find one that takes you off on an unexpected tangent, you make a punch line out of it.

In this case, Mr. Ad Man had to make a chicken joke; thought about feathers, beaks, eggs, farms, and roosters before the idea of breasts; then - knowing "sex sells" - connected it to human female breasts, and eventually decided to use breast augmentation surgery as the segue between the two.

A joke was made, people laughed, a commercial was produced, and chicken sandwiches were sold by the ton.

Except to offended feminists, who will never go to Carl's Jr. ever again, on the assinine assumption that Mr. Ad Man's first thought was "How can I demean women today?" and not "How can I make a joke about chicken?"

But that's how it goes with humor. When you use stereotypes instead of truth, the joke will fail for the people to whom the stereotype does not apply. One man's funny is another feminist's annihilation propaganda. So when you write, the best you can do is aim for the bulk of your target audience, ignore the offended, and hope that next time you have to write a joke, the truth or stereotype you base your humor on is more universal.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go assuage my hunger with a Carl's Jr. chicken breast sandwich.

Heh. I said "breast"

*snicker*

NAPOLEON DYNAMITE? SERIOUSLY... WHAT THE F*UCK?

Just finished watching Napoleon Dynamite.

Don't get it.

Just don't get it.

The pacing was miserably slow, the dialog wasn't even remotely clever, the plot was noticable only by its absence, and I felt absolutely nothing for any of the characters.

Am I missing something?

What's the attraction?

Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure

(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

THE KING IS DEAD! LONG LIVE THE MAN!

Hadn't seen this commercial before, but thanks to Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance, I've found an advertisement that speaks to my soul:

Burger King - Eat Like a Man - The Texas Double Whopper

In my heart, this is only second to the Vault Scarecrow commercial.

And yes, I *did* buy Vault soda JUST because I love that commercial so.

UPDATE: Lynn's got something to say to a vegetarian feminist who was offended by the commercial

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The most horrible thing that can happen to you in life is to be without love... toilet paper coming in a close second.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Elizabeth, Rueann, Patrick, Julia, Cody, Andrea, Raymond, Leah Powers]

When the Powers crime family makes you an offer you can't refuse, you wake up next to a president's head.

Crack Suicide Squad...ATTACK!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Looks like the Al-Qaida Crack Suicide Squad is at it again:

BAGHDAD, Iraq – An explosion occurred in a building within the Sheik Abdel Kader mosque compound at approximately 6 p.m. May 7 in Rusafa, a neighborhood of east Baghdad.
[snip]
Initial reports indicate that two terrorists were wounded and another one was killed in the blast.

The Coalition of the Willing congratulates the disassembled airborne parts of these psychotic Islamofacsists on successfully chlorinating the Arab gene pool, and wishes them many similar successes in the future.

Meanwhile, the Al-Qaida threat level in Iraq has been downgraded from "nuisance" to "annoyance", despite the Al-Qaida leadership's evaluation of the Iraq contingent as "without any organized military capabilities", which is actually a step up from last year's grade of "inept clods clumsily overcompensating for their inadequate genitalia".

Totally True Tidbits About Australia

(cross-posted from IMAO)

As Frank J. briefly mentioned, Australia was actually Britain's first attempt at a penal colony. What he didn't mention was that they stopped using it once they discovered that it was a lot cheaper to ship people off to Ireland and just steal their potatoes until they got so depressed that they emigrated to America and became crooked cops. Frank also forgot to mention these other:

* Australia was originally a British penal colony for exiled thieves and murderers. It is not to be confused with France, which was originally a British penal colony for the cowardly and annoying.

* Australia eventually outgrew its shady past and evolved into a modern civilized nation. France has yet to make that particular leap.

* The basic unit of Australian currency is giant cans of beer, which explains why Australian men have gargantuan arm muscles.

* Australia is known for its vast, wooly herds of opals.

* It's also known for its many sheep mining operations.

* The kangaroo is a pouched marsupial native to Australia. Most women own them for storage purposes, since purses are illegal in Australia.

* Rabbits are considered a pest in Australia. Although somewhat cute and fuzzy, they tend to wander the country in packs, destroying everything in sight, and pooping everywhere with no respect for property rights, much like American hippies.

* The central portion of Australia is a dry, barren wasteland containing nothing of interest. Think of it as the real-world equivalent of an "Air America" broadcast day.

* The Prime Minister of Australia is John Howard, and not, as most Americans assume, Steve Irwin. The confusion IS understandable, since Howard keeps a pair of crocodiles chained to the throne of terrorist skulls upon which he sits.

* Contrary to a popular American stereotype, most Australians do NOT wear hats decorated with crocodile teeth or sell Subarus. That was just a phase Paul Hogan went through before he found Goth.

* Dingoes are wild dogs native to Australia, and shouldn't be confused with Ding-Dongs, which have less hair, and more cream filling.

* Koala bears, also native to Australia, may look cute and cuddly, but they are actually very dangerous. If you see one, don't make any sudden moves - just give him your wallet and hope he doesn't hurt you.

* Australians are strong, loyal, trustworthy, and fierce fighters. If for some unimaginable reason you don't own a gun, consider carrying an Australian in your holster instead.

* A platypus is an odd-looking creature that appears to be a cross between a duck and a beaver. They live primarily in water and to confuse biologists.

* Ayers' Rock is an incredibly huge rock that... well... it... um... that is... er... uh... anyway, it's really big, so don't make it angry.

* But the best thing about Australians is that they have a great sense of humor. Even if some stupid American comes along and pokes a little good-natured fun at them they'll just laugh and [WHACK!] OW! MY NOSE!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Once in a while, right in the middle of an ordinary life, love gives us a fairy tale.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: I GREW HEMP)]

Introducing the North Dakota commemorative $20 bill.

A Better Sentence for Moussaoui

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

IS IT FUNNY, CUTE, OR JUST PLAIN WRONG

I can't tell, so check out the pictures at Battlestar Galacticsimpsons and you tell me.

[via Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

GEEKWISE, I'M OUT OF MY DEPTH

Bloggreatgranddaughter Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity is having a Blogger template issue that only appears in Firefox, and I'm stumped as to the solution.

Something to do with how she coded her banner to get it centered makes all the entry text centered, too. I poked at it some on one of my test blogs, but got no satisfaction.

Anyone with Blogger, IE, Firefox, and a clue is invited to offer a solution.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If a star fell from the sky every time that I thought of you, there would be none left in the heavens.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[[John 3:16 Beleave!]

Harv 3:16 - Spell Check!

MMMM... PISTOL PORN

See Blogson Shakey Pete

WHITEST. DANCERS. EVER.

So the general consensus is that the guy who did the Evolution of Dance is a 1 on the White Men Can't Dance scale.

These guys are a 10.

The Numa Numa Remake (via American Digest)

If you're not familiar with Numa Numa, go torture yourself here.

Meanwhile in Afghanistan

"Um, guys... when I said that I could really use a big, wet hummer..."

[Hat tip: CENTCOM.]

THIS GUY *CAN'T* BE AS WHITE AS HE LOOKS

The Evolution of Dance

[via Blogson DeathKnyte of Bad Catholicism]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What punishment should terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui have gotten instead of life in prison? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 10th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glennigration

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What will Evil Glenn be doing for Mother's Day?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When I am with you, I really wish time had broken wings.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(uh... it's a visual... just click to enlarge))

Somewhere a portrait of Michael Jackson is growing younger and better looking with each passing year.

Thousands Riot Over Che Cartoons

(cross-posted from IMAO)

[pic via American Digest]

Reacting to a cartoon portraying Ernesto "Che" Guevera which was published on an American web site recently, thousands of angry Mexican took to the streets in violent protest.

Angry Mexicans - who apparently don't work for a living - flooded the streets in protest Monday

"Muslims have forced Americans not to show cartoons of Allah's prophet Mohammed," said one protester whose name was probably Pedro, "As socialist thugs, we worship Fidel Castro - the oldest Communist dictator who has not been killed and eaten by the Americans. Che is like Castro's prophet, in the sense that he murdered people in Castro's name. Therefore we forbid displaying images of him, and cruelly punish those who do."

According to the Communist religion, the punishment for depicting Che is impalement, and several instances were caught on film:

Lucky it was only a glancing blow, this supporter of free speech had a wooden pole shoved into his right forearm.
[via Michelle Malkin]

This girl was not so lucky - a stake in the head.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Not even bronze statues were immune to Mexican vengeance.
[via WorldNetDaily]

Fortunately, not everyone was intimidated, as a few brave counter-protesters were on the scene

American of Mexican descent, whose name was probably Jose, proudly exercises his freedom of speech while giving the "victory" sign to let the Mexifascists know that he won't be intimidated.

Lesson learned:

Be like Jose
Display your Che

Or the Mexiterrorists win.

More blasphemous Che depictions in the extended entry...

Get the whole bad example »

---

[via WILLisms]

[via The People's Cube]

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

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Picnic 2006-05-10
Excerpt: Today's picnic basket of items from my blogroll. ...
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Tracked: May 10, 2006 07:13 AM

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TECHNORATI TAG: SNAGGLETOOTH THE FERAL CAT

Blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice deigns to explain her long absence from posting.

Best. Lame. Excuse. Ever.

LIKE SHIELDS & YARNELL ON ACID

If Straight White Eric had gotten married in the 70's, I imagine his wedding video probably would've looked a lot like this.

[via Leslie's Omnibus]

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment Reminder: What is Evil Glenn's position on illegal immigration? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, May 5th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Basil's Blog Tip: Blogger In-Line Comments With Haloscan

A Filthy Lie

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Danny's Blog

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What punishment should terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui have gotten instead of life in prison?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is like gold - rare and treasured. Yet there is not just one piece of gold, but one that is unique to each person. Once you find yours, treasure it, and do not let it go.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Paula I Love You Paula I Love You)

WHAT PAULA SAID: "Thank you! That's so sweet!"

WHAT PAULA THOUGHT: "It's gonna take at least 49 more of these before YOU see any action."

Dan Rather's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now Wi^th Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda

Any other possibilities?

SIMPLE QUESTION

Betty or Wilma?

If you want to complicate it by explaining why, go right ahead, but it's not required.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If every word I said
Could make you laugh
I'd talk forever
I asked the sky
Just what we had
It showed forever
If the song I sing to you
Could fill your heart with joy
I'd sing forever

[Hat tip to bloggranddaughter Sissy of And What Next... for this one]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(half-stained dollar bill))

Half of this bill (which is made of a special litmus paper) was dipped in Perrier - which tested strongly positive for both benzene and cowardice.

SOMEONE CHECK BOSCO FOR A PULSE

My idea-lemur appears comatose, so I'll just send you off to play with some bubble-wrap while I break out the smelling salts and the defibrillator.

NOTE TO SELF FOR FUTURE MARITAL DISAGREEMENTS

Apparently whining will render my wife compliant.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If laughing makes you live longer, you would make me live forever.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Mark 8311)

From "Little Known Facts About the Bible", page 25:

After some debate, the Council of Nicea voted to drop the last 67 of Mark's original 83 chapters, as by the time they were finished, Mark had grown quite senile and was writing things like "I like onions" and "Hey you kids! Get off of my lawn!"

ILLEGAL IMMIGRATION SOLUTION?

When it comes to illegal immigration, I'm old school. I say just annex the rest of Mexico. I mean, it worked out pretty good for the Mexicans living in California in 1848.

Except for the infusion of hippies in the '60's... so we need to work on that part.

However, for those who fear the hippy menace too much to take a chance on letting that happen again, Kevin of Eckernet provides a serious look at the issues involved and lays out the principles involved in solving the problem as he outlines some possible solutions

1) Reduce Demand - Fines for employers will make hiring illegals financially unfeasible
2) Reduce Supply - Stopping the flow of more illegals
3) Reward good behavior - Streamlining and improving legal immigration
4) Punishing bad behavior - Blacklisting illegal immigrants from the country

Should provoke some lively discussion.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: If Dan Rather had a blog, what would he blog about? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, May 3rd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Podcast

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What is Evil Glenn's position on illegal immigration?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your lips speak soft sweetness,
Your touch a cool caress,
I am lost in your magic,
My heart beats within your chest.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Zero I Fling Poo))

If Ted Rall were doing cartoons in the 1790's.

The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".