HE'S SO CUTE WHEN HE'S FROTHING

Scrawny-assed blogson _Jon of We Swear is pitching a fit over Michigan's newest super-retarded seat-belt law.

Go read it. It's for your own good.

While you're there, check out his explanation of why blowing terrorists into tiny pieces - all of which will go straight to hell - does NOT equate to "lowering ourselves to their level", even if by-standing civilians die in the process.

YAY! RIGHT WING HATE-MONGERY

Who says the Left is the only group that eats its own young? John Hawkins of Right Wing News points out that there's plenty of self-loathing on the right, too, with his list of "Least Favorite People On The Right" as selected by 45 right-wing bloggers (myself amongst them).

The top of the list looks pretty much the same as last year. My personal choice for top gutter-swine would be Michael Savage. However, I *will* admit I've only listened to his show in tiny snatches, mostly because it doesn't take long for his schtick to wear thin. Venom without wit is boring.

Al Franken, I hope you're paying attention.

New on the list this year is Michelle Malkin. I'm honestly not sure what's to hate about her. Maybe it's fact that she's a woman AND a minority. Maybe it's the fact that she publishes her hate mail uncensored and folks don't like reading words like "gook" & "cunt". Maybe it's the fact that she loves eating minced kitten brownies. I don't really know.

What I *do* know is that she at least allows trackbacks to her posts, even if she doesn't have open comments.

Unlike certain puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, penguin-fetishists who sit in their Memphis castles upon their thrones of blackest ice whilst continually tapping out the word "Indeed" with their blood-stained, age-yellowed, talon-like fingernails as they contemplate the destruction of lesser bloggers, and who - for reasons unknown - have never linked my blog.

Not that I hold a grudge.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What are Israel's top secret plans for winning their war against Lebanese terrorists? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, August 2nd. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn vs. The Brewery

New Filthy Lie Assignment: How will Evil Glenn be celebrating his 5th Blogiversary?

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 12

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

"Your smile makes my soul think it's eating chocolate cake and saying Yum Yum Yum"

[Hat tip to blogdaughter Pam of Camp HappyBadFun]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Beer Voucher]

Correct answer to the question, "What two words are written on every single bill in Matty O'Blackfive's wallet."

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What species are Chirpy Boy and Bart Jr.?

3) Who are the disc jockeys at Springfield radio station KBBL 102.5?

4) When Abe Simpson went to the original Woodstock, who did he want to see perform?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

STRAY THOUGHT

If the words "cheat" and "mistreat" didn't rhyme, would there even BE a Country music industry?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You are what happened when I wished upon a star.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM LOOK WHERE I'VE BEEN!!!]

Let's see... all capital letters, lots of exclamation points...

... could this possibly be the first installment of that $10 million I'm expecting from Nigeria?

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Who do Jimbo and Kearney usually hang around with?

3) Who won a lot of money in a lawsuit against Itchy & Scratchy studios?

4) Name the waiter Freddy Quimby is accused of attacking?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Brewmeister Glenn

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I was browsing Instapundit recently and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

[New note, not previously posted]

I asked for light, God gave me the sun;
I asked for water, God gave me rain;
I asked for happiness, God gave me you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[TIP]

No, that's not a gratuity, that's just how "Trixie, the Inexpensive Prostitute" stamps all her payments.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Which singer helps Barney with his snow plow company advertising?

3) In "Homer's Triple Bypass", what does Barney think Homer is in the hospital for?

4) In "Marge Vs. The Monorail", who does Quimby think Leonard Nimoy is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 11

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

I KNOW YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO LET KIDS DO THINGS FOR THEMSELVES, BUT...

Sometimes ya just gotta jump in and help.

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World is having a birthday. Probably 21st or something, so she's legal now (line forms to the right, guys).

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom tried to get her a present. He wanted to combine shoes, donuts & candles, but couldn't quite make it all in one.

That's where I come in.

(see extended entry)

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Being in love is like having a heart-on!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[("Ozzy 4 ever" on forehead, also sunglasses and cigarette)]

After all these years, I still feel a little embarrassed when I look at my high school yearbook picture.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What is Smithers' first name?

3) When Krusty fakes his death, what is the name of the plane he crashed?

4) Where do the Simpson's move to avoid Sideshow Bob?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What was the real reason that Evil Glenn went to visit the Brewerey? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, July 28th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: The Times, They Are A-Changin'

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What are Israel's top secret plans for winning their war against Lebanese terrorists?

Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.

SURELY *THESE* ARE ALL OVER THE PLACE?

More CENTCOM press releases:

MND-B SOLDIERS DETAIN TERRORISTS, FIND WEAPONS CACHES & ROADSIDE BOMBS IN BABIL

IRAQI FORCES DIVERT MISSION TO AID CITIZEN IN DISTRESS

MND-B PATROL CAPTURES 6 DETAINEES, UNEARTHS WEAPONS CACHE

IPs, MND-B SOLDIERS SEIZE WEAPONS, DETAIN SUSPECTS

IA, MND-B SOLDIERS CAPTURE WEAPONS, MUNITIONS, 5 DETAINEES

1ST BCT SOLDIERS SEIZE WEAPONS, MUNITIONS

COALITION FORCES CAPTURE TERRORIST AND ASSOCIATE NORTH OF TIKRIT

I relax in the knowlege that these headlines are above the fold in the latest editions of most newspapers around the world.

They ARE, aren't they?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I own your heart.
You own mine.
Within the beauty of our love
We are spirits entwined

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Streator, Illinois (also - moustache, beard, and a couple pointy things drawn on Washington)]

After a dozen different people asked him whether he was supposed to be a cat or a devil, George vowed to never again buy his Halloween costume in Streator, Illinois.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Who teaches Marge how to bowl?

3) What is the name of Marge's bowling ball?

4) Homer gets in trouble when a picture is circulated with him in which exotic dancer?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

POP QUIZ

I'm signed up for the CENTCOM newsletter, and I get the press releases, too.

Please let me know if you've heard any of these stories from the MSM:

CAMP FALLUJAH, Iraq – Marines from Regimental Combat Team 5’s, 1st Battalion, 25th Marine Regiment, and soldiers from 2nd and 4th Brigade, 1st Iraqi Army Division, rescued three Iraqi hostages in an intelligence-driven operation July 23.

BAGRAM AIRFIELD, Afghanistan – A Coalition patrol killed seven extremists on July 25 after they attacked Coalition forces in the Garmser District of Helmand Province.

There were no Coalition casualties in the fight. The Coalition unit received small arms, rocket-propelled grenade, machine gun and sniper fire from a group of extremists. The Coalition force returned fire, killing five insurgents

BALAD – Iraqi Army forces conducted a pre-dawn raid in Baghdad on July 25, capturing six targeted insurgents, all of whom are believed to be involved in ‘death squad’ activities.

Anyone?

FOR EVERY PERCEIVED FLAW ON A WOMAN'S BODY, THERE ARE MEN WHO ARE "REALLY INTO IT"

Bloggranddaughter ArmyWifeToddlerMom linked to a site called Shape of a Mother. It's mostly about women who are dealing (either positively or negatively) with the aftermath of what pregnancy does to a woman's body.

Since neither I nor Beloved Wife have borne children, I can't exactly relate, but - as a blogger - I do understand how talking about such things can make you feel better.

If you're a post-pregnant woman, you should probably check the site out, whether for curiosity, comparison, or healing.

Please note that some pictures are of the sort that - were they shown on TV - they'd have blurry areas.

Meanwhile, I found the "Stupid Girl" music video by Pink to be intriging. The tune is catchy, and it's one of the few videos I've seen where the images actually enhance the message of the lyrics (in most music videos I've seen, they're unrelated, at best).

For the record, Beloved Wife made the same choice as the little girl in the video.

My final thought relates to the title of this post. For every flaw, there is a fetish. Stretch marks are no exception. I quote:

Please tell Stripes, the woman with stretch marks who's looking for someone with a stretch-mark fetish, that we actually do exist. I'm afraid that Im happily married, but if I'm into stretch marks, someone else out there must be. I'm also into other minor scarring, as well.

No matter WHAT you look like, there's a guy who will think you're hot because of it.

You might already be married to him.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 10

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I am a sailor, you're my first mate
We signed on together, we coupled our fate
Hauled up the anchor, determined not to fail
For the heart's treasure, together we set sail
With no maps to guide us, we steered our own course
Rode out the storms when the winds were gale force
Sat out the doldrums in patience and hope
Working together, we learned how to cope.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(dollar colored in blue)]

After losing yet another presidential election in 2008, the states that went Democrat seceded and issued their own currency.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Who daydreams that Bart will someday become impaled on her Pulitzer Prize?

3) According to Apu, who designed Marge's hair?

4) What role does Homer get in the Springfield Bicentennial Parade?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

I PICKED THE WRONG MONTH TO CUT BACK ON MY BLOG READING

Brian J. Noggle

plus

Heather Noggle

equals

James Raymond Noggle

Yeah, I'm 3 weeks late on this. Now quit guilt-tripping me and go dump some unsolicited parenting advice on the happy couple.

THERE *IS* A SOLUTION

Pam of Pamibe is concerned that her daughter might find some nekkid pictures that are floating around her house, and worries that seeing her old man in the raw might scar her for life.

Yeah, that IS something to think about.

My suggestion is that - if you have nekkid photos - scan them, keep them on your computer, and burn the originals.

But what if your kids paw through your hard drive?

Just go into your anti-virus software folder, and create a new folder labelled "Virus Data File Quarantine". Keep the pictures there.

For added protection, name the pictures something like "Virus93876exe.jpg", just in case the kiddies do a hard drive search for "*.jpg".

QUICK TRAFFIC CHEAT

In theory, this should work.

Check Google Zeitgeist, find out what the most popular search terms are, then blog about them.

If you blog intelligently about these topics instead of just tossing the phrases in randomly, you might actually have people bookmark you as being hip & trendy.

Just like the all nude Avril Lavigne.

FOUND IT

While sorting through my archives, I realized 2 things:

1) Not all of my "Fun Facts About the 50 States" posts were in the "Fun Facts About the 50 States" category.

2) I never posted the Director's cut of "Fun Facts About Arizona".

Both those problems have been solved, although I took the liberty of backdating Arizona so that the category remains in alphabetical order.

Fun Facts About Nebraska

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let's get started...

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would've become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.

The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.

The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by travelling salesmen who would kick down people's doors and shout, "OH YEAH!!!"

The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.

The state motto of Nebraska is "Corn, college football, and... um... more corn".

40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.

Nebraska's Ogala aquifer is the world's largest underground water supply. It's estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water - about the same as Natalie Maines.

Nebraska is the only state in the US with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.

Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation's Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.

Nebraska's phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.

The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.

Nebraska's famous landmark "Chimney Rock" was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as "Viagra Point".

Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world's largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world's largest waitress.

Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don't be so sensitive.

Marlon Brando's mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.

The world's largest Wooly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.

The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company's corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the "Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor - [Your Name Here] Bowl".

The world's first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska's Bellvue University. Topics include "Barking Moonbats - When To Hang Up" and "Things Not To Take On A Plane".

Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word "nee-ba-sah", meaning "Are you SURE we're not still in Iowa?".

The world's largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Wooly Mammoth thong.

The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.

The University of Nebraska - Lincoln campus boasts America's largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.

Oops... Nevermind...

Nebraska's 1986 Governor's race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.

Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which - contrary to popular rumor - was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.

Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.

Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.

Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it - blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

---

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it's all about the drinkin', gamblin', and whorin', because we're off to Nevada.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some concrete solidify... WOO-HOO!!!

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Have you ever met a woman
That inspires you to love
Until your senses all feel with her?
You inhale her
You taste her
You see your unborn child in her eyes,
And you know that your heart
Has at last found its home
Your life begins with her
And without her it surely comes to an end...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[If you find this $ you will have good luck 4 7 yrs.]

DAMMIT! I ordered one of those "beat the urinalysis" kits, and they sent me this!

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) When Krusty got busted, what magazine called him "Krook Of The Year?"

3) Which author is sold at Books! Books! and Additional Books! by the pound?

4) When Homer thought he was dying, what was #10 on his things-to-do list?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What further changes can we expect to see at the New York Times? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, July 26th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn - Superlawyer

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What was the real reason that Evil Glenn went to visit the Brewerey?

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 9

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

I've never wished to be a superhero, but if YOU were one, I'd wish to be your tights.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Begin - Who ever has this bill buy a power ball and u will have the luck of a lepracon and you will foresure win but ya gotta give me a cut because you gotta help a brother out - end]

It worked! I won $10 million!

Here's your dollar back, brother. Consider it "your cut".

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Bart is pitted against who in a miniature golf tournament?

3) Bart says that nothing can upset him or Lisa, because they're part of what generation?

4) In "Homer the Vigliante", the guy who drives into a river is a parody of who?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New note - not previously posted]

You heat me up faster than a microwave.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Religion is something left over from the infancy of our intelligence. It will fade away as we adopt reason and science as our guidelines.]

Unable to get "In God We Trust" removed from U.S. currency, the ACLU settles for "equal time".

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Which breed of dog is Santa's Little Helper?

3) The Angel Skeleton was sent by who?

4) For what comic strip was Matt Groening known before he created the Simpsons?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

AND THE WINNER IS...

I've always thought it was a toss-up as to whether Berkeley, CA or Madison, WI had more deranged leftists.

I guess this settles it:

(click to enlarge)

I shouldn't be surprised, should I?

Glenn Reynolds - Legal Geniousness

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Oh never fear, beloved friend, for in the end it's worth the price, the fee, the cost, when all is lost but love has won.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(This one's really a visual... just click it)]

3 questions:

Who is James Fischer?

Why is he looking for someone who sucks click?

Why is he bragging about being a fussy eater?

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) In "Simpson's Bible Stories", who played Pharoh?

3) What is the name of the secret machine that truckers use to drive their rigs?

4) Who is Mr. Burns behind on the Most Popular Billionaire's List?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Meanwhile, if you don't know the answers, but you remember the episode, feel free to reminisce about other parts of it.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I love life because it gave you to me... I love you because you are my life...

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: MUTILATED)]

Psychiatrists say that anagram games work the same way as Rorschach tests, revealing hidden truths about a person's character.

I looked at this and got "ADULT ITEM"

Don't look at me like that. It means nothing. NOTHING AT ALL!

Stupid psychiatrists.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Where does Bart write, "Don't Tread On Me" in defiance of the Australians?

3) Who is the US Undersecretary of State to Australia for International Protocol?

4) Which old mob boss threatens to kill Homer and Krusty if they don't do a certain clown trick?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What were Evil Glenn's most noteworthy accomplishments as head of his own law firm? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, July 21st. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Geneva Convention - The Fine Print

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What further changes can we expect to see at the New York Times?

At Least It's Not For Testicular Cancer

(cross-posted from IMAO)

7-time Tour de France champion Lance Armstrong was recently quoted as saying about the French soccer team:

"All their players tested positive... for being arseholes."

Hold your applause...

When later asked if he regretted making the statement, he replied:

"No, I don't regret it."

NOW you can applaud.

While you're doing that, you can check this list of the top 10 other things the French have tested positive for:

9) Nazi complicity

8) Cheese

7) Snotty waiters

6) Wine

5) Whine

4) Black market Iraqi oil

3) Peculiar odors

2) The Holy Grail

And the #1 thing the French have tested positive for

1) Teenagers who are too lazy to work, but not too lazy to riot.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

With each glance into your beautiful eyes, I fall in love over and over again.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[The Juggalos will come for you! feminem fan.]

The Caucasian Rap, or "Crap", turf-wars heat up and threaten blood in the streets as Insane Clown Posse fans and Eminem fans face off across America's currency.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Homer commands a submarine when he joins what military organization?

3) When Jasper is frozen at the Kwik-E-Mart, what does Apu rename him?

4) Who is the former sanitation commissioner that Homer replaced?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

SURROUNDED BY ZOMBIE BLOGGERS

They're back from the great beyond, crawling out of their virtual graves, and mumbling something about "grains".

I guess death has turned them vegetarian.

Nick of NickQueen.com

Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!

The Wandering Gunslinger of Gunpowder Grotto

IT'S A BOY!

Blogdaughter Boudicca of Boudicca's Voice skipped one of her blogcontrol pills and ended up presenting the world with a new blogson:

Titan of Titan's Lair

Let's see what that gurgling noise is that's rising up from his virtual cradle:

Not that I disagree. I've got the same beef with the man when he goes off on his rants against marijuana smokers when he's in the studio sipping scotch and puffing an Arturo Fuente Opus X.

On the other hand, I still think Rush is one of the best extemporaneous speakers in America today. It's not easy to fill 3 hours of air time without repeating yourself ad nauseum (lookin' at you, Mark Belling).

A little something on the evils of hotel jacuzzis - I think he's just a little skeeved at the thought of the thousands of traveling salesmen who've given themselves jetjobs while sitting in that tub.

A golden shower - no, not the good kind (and by "good", I mean "voluntary").

Membership in the Bad Example Clan is also an option, if you're so inclined to jump through the requisite hoops, but is not mandatory.

Meanwhile you can look forward - with either anticipation or dread - to regular visits and comments from me.

Welcome home.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 7

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

President Bush's Top 10 Off-Mic Comments

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Like a schoolyard snitch breathlessly squealing to a teacher, CNN reported with wide, excited eyes that President Bush used "the S word" when he mistakenly thought he had a little privacy.

Oddly, it wasn't used to describe the quality of CNN's reporting.

Meanwhile, here are the top 10 other things that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:

10) "I think I may need a bathroom break. Is this possible?"

9) "Why yes, the presidential limo DOES have a hemi."

8) "Sure, I've nailed my share of interns, but at least they weren't rolling-roundies like that Stay-Puft Marshmallow Girl of Clinton's."

7) "Seriously, I've been ringside. There's nothing fake about WWE".

6) "Hey Tony, can you move your f***in' Dumbo ears out of the way so that I can get by?"

5) "'Nuc-u-lar' is TOO a word. It's in the dictionary right before 'potatoe'."

4) "My fellow Americans, I'm pleased to tell you today that I've signed legislation that will outlaw Iran forever. We begin bombing in five minutes.... OOPS! Forgot about the time difference... we began bombing five hours ago."

3) "Well, from what I understand, it's actually a soquid that you eat with a fpoon."

2) "So Laura... how 'bout we blow this joint & go home for a little game of 'heiress and the pool boy'?"

And the #1 thing that President Bush has said when he thought the microphone was off:

1) "Neither. I wear thongs."

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I devote my heart to you, if you would be so kind as to take it.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(purple-stained $10 bill)]

Designer Laurie Hickson-Smith turns this dull, drab 10-spot into festive parade of purple that you'll almost hate to spend! Next, on TLC's "Trading Currency".

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What is the name of the hockey team Bart is on?

3) In "The Springfield Connection", what kind of soup does Marge say is pretty exciting?

4) Bart says that after he dies, he wants to be reincarnated as what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Fun Facts About Montana

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, we'll be finding out what it's like to live 200 miles from your nearest neighbor as we visit Montana, so let's get started...

Montana became the 41st state on November 8th, 1889. It was originally settled by a herd of moose who eventually lost the territory to white settlers in a poker game.

Seems that moose always twitch their antlers when they're bluffing.

The first large-scale vigilante force was formed to police the lawless Montana Territory in 1884. That year, 35 head of cattle were executed for rustling themselves.

Montana's nickname is "The Nervous Sheep State".

It was legal to drink while driving in Montana until October 1, 2005, when the Kennedy Prevention Act was finally passed.

The Bitterroot is the state flower of Montana. The root is so bitter that eating it is actually forbidden by law, lest the person eating it turn into a Democrat.

After years of Montana having no speed limit on its highways, it was finally set at 65mph in 1999, effectively killing the state's antelope drag-racing industry.

In Butte, Montana, it's legal to shoot anyone who deliberately mispronounces the city's name and giggles.

Montana is believed to have the largest grizzly bear population in the US, although the number may include some of the local women who were counted by mistake.

The state song of Montana is "What's That Bear Doing In The Woods?"

Montana gets its name from the Spanish word for "moose chalupa".

The state tree of Montana is the Ponderosa Pine, which has a much better salad bar than the Bonanza Pine.

The state bird of Montana is the Meadowlark, which terroizes the skies above the state's human residents much as their prehistoric pteradactyl ancestors did.

The Montana Yogo Sapphire is the only North American gem included in the Crown Jewels of England, except for the Texas Yee Haw Diamond.

In 1888, Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world. In 1889, God sent a plague of elk to devour them all for their sinful ways.

The population density of Montana is 6 people per square mile. About the same as a Dixie Chicks concert.

The first bobsled track in North America was built at Lolo Pass, Montana in 1965 in the hopes that it would enable the American Olympic team to finally defeat those feisty Jamaicans.

Combination, Comet, Keystone, and Pony are some of the quaintly-named Montana ghost towns from which the Brady Bunch have successfully escaped.

Virginia City, Montana was founded in 1863 and has remained completely unchanged for the last 100 years, much like the Democratic Party.

The highest point in Montana is Granite Peak, which stands 12,799 feet tall, give or take a mountain goat.

The world's largest glacier is in Montana's Glacier National Park, where it has been carefully preserved inside the world's largest glass of Scotch.

Glacier National Park also boasts the world's most elaborate security system, which was specifically designed to keep Ted Kennedy out.

The mountains of Montana have yielded a treasure trove of prehistoric artifacts over the years, including dinosaur eggs, and a speech by Howard Dean from his sane period.

The Battle of Little Bighorn National Monument is located just south of Billings, Montana, and marks the spot where General Custer and his men were slaughtered by Plains Indians for not tipping their waitresses at the casino.

The "Going to the Sun Road" in Glacier Park, Montana, is considered one of the most scenic drives in America, second only to New Jersey's "Toxic Waste Trail".

The state motto of Montana is "Oro y Plata" - meaning "gold and silver" - which was selected in 1890 by then-governor Yukon Cornelius.

In Montana, the elk, deer, and antelope populations outnumber the humans, but they are not allowed to vote because of Apartheid.

To this day, Nelson Mandelka remains a political prisoner in Billings.

The Roe River near Great Falls, Montana, is the world's shortest river. At 58 feet, it's 10 feet shorter than the drool-trail left typically left by Michael Moore while entering a McDonald's.

Motorcyle daredevil Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana. Despite his many legendary stunts, he never did manage to make it across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.

---

That wraps up the Montana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll likely be murdered by feral Corn-Children as we visit Nebraska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a Moose Chalupa.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Just one night in your dreams would be like spending eternity staring at the face of an angel.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Good Luck]

I staple these to black cats as a defensive measure.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Principal Skinner has a picture of what hanging opposite his desk in his office?

3) What is the name of Fat Tony's establishment?

4) Who are Fat Tony's two main henchmen?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

IF ANYONE NEEDS ME, I'LL BE IN THE ICE-FILLED BATHTUB

Please note the "feels like" number, as well as the humidity.

P.S. Shut up, AJ.

MORE PROGRESS IN IRAQ

(click to enlarge)

Iraq's Olympic "Synchronized Squatting" Team gets ready for Beijing.

[Hat tip to CENTCOM for the pic]

SIX MORE WEEKS OF SUMMER?

Blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland popped up from his burrow, saw his shadow, left a post, and disappeared again.

For your cross-pond update, see the man.

Oh, and bring a movie.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What little-known rights are terrorists entitled to under the Geneva Convention? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, July 19th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Hate Mail

A Filthy Lie

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What were Evil Glenn's most noteworthy accomplishments as head of his own law firm?

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 6

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

The Insta-Mailbag

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:

Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

Or Gilligan.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
[New Love Note - not previously posted]

Dear, before you go to sleep, I wanted to let you know that you'll be in my last thoughts before I fall asleep. I know I'll have pleasant dreams and wish the same for you. Sweet dreams.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(mint condition 1934B $100 bill)]

Sen. Robert C. Byrd keeps his first bribe on his office wall, right next to his emergency white robe and pointy hat.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What is Reverend Lovejoy's first name?

3) At what restaurant does Homer have a beef eating contet with Red Barclay?

4) After she gets her new Canyonero, Marge develops a serious case of what?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Silly woman... it's not "fat. It's curves. Now shut up while I kiss you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(thin moustache drawn on Washington]

Presidential Fun Fact: The Whipple Administration is best remembered for its introduction of "squeezably soft" currency.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Who is the Cat Burglar?

3) According to the sign at Springfield Airport, it is the birthplace of what?

4) Homer and Mr. Burns get trapped in a snowbound cabin on what mountain?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

R.I.P. JEFF BRAZILL OF PONYTAILED CONSERVATIVE

I got an e-mail from Jeff's business partner informing me that my blogson Jeff of Ponytailed Conservative has died.

A message from Jeff's mother:

"...pass along this information to Jeff's fellow bloggers. He derived a great sense of community from you all and them, as well as deep friendships, both of which he needed.."

Obituary in the Lynchburg, VA News & Advance:

Michael Jeffrey (Jeff) Brazill, 43, of Lynchburg, died Thursday, July 6, 2006 at his home.

Born September 20, 1962, in Idaho Falls, Idaho, he was the son of Margaret Williams Brazill of Lynchburg and the late George James Brazill. Jeff was a self-employed computer programmer and was of Episcopal faith.

In addition to his mother, Jeff is survived by one son, Joshua Michael Brazill; two brothers, Brian Brazill of Lynchburg and Eric Brazill and his wife, Taylor of San Diego, Calif. and his stepmother, Carolyn Brazill of Amherst.

A memorial service, to be announced, will be held at a later date.

To send a condolence to the family, please visit www.whittenfuneralhome.com.

Whitten Funeral Homes & Cremation Services, Park Avenue Chapel is serving the family.

Published in The News & Advance from 7/8/2006 - 7/9/2006.

Right now I'm just passing the news. I'm not in a place where I can really compose any sort of eulogy. You can read Phily Phil's post for more information. Permalinks don't seem to work, so just look for the post titled "Rest my friend..."

THERE'S A COMIC STRIP CALLING ME

Chris Muir, who writes the "Hey, it's no Ziggy, but it's still really good" comic strip "Day by Day" announces that you can now get his daily dose of goodness on your cellphone via SmashPhone

SmashPhone even quoted him in their press release:

Chris Muir’s Day by Day comic strip is based on each day’s political events. How's that for topical? This shoot-from-the-hip toon follows four characters and their reactions to news and thoughts of the day. Day by Day garnered 12,000 loyal daily readers by encouraging websites to embed the daily comic strip freely. "Comic strips have to be on mobile," says Muir. "It’s adapt
or die! All the market growth is on phones, especially with kids and comic trips." Muir said he chose SmashPhone because they can reach more phones than anyone else (over 1.2B phones).

Although I'm sad to see that Chris has stooped to issuing death threats to other comic strip writers ("adapt or die!") in order to get attention, I still support his right to spread his comedy and insights through any means necessary.

Which, hopefully, will include the Hoffa-esque disappearing of Marmaduke and Garfield.

Congrats, Chris.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is sitting together in the middle of a bench when there is plenty of room on either side.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[no planes no gas no smoking 1-800-ORANGEL]

After the Green Party blew their entire campaign war chest on hammering out the details of their 2004 party platform, they realized that they couldn't afford the 1-800-GOGREEN toll-free phone number they wanted. Embarrassed, but desperate, they settled for one of the few numbers that hadn't been taken yet, later claiming in their literature that the selection was deliberate because "making the right choice between Democrat or Green is like making the right choice between devil OR ANGEL".

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Who is Lisa's teacher?

3) What was the title of the only "Adventures Of Ned Flanders" short ever aired?

4) What unusual feature do Marge's feet have?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 5

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Speak Softly Love by Andy Williams

"Speak softly love and hold me warm against your heart
I feel your words, the tender trembling moments start
We're in a world, our very own
Sharing a love that only few have ever know

*Wine coloured days warmed by the sun
Deep velvet nights when we are one

Speak softly love so no one hears us but the sky
The vows of love we make will live unitil we die
My life is yours and all because
You came into my world with love, so softly love"

[Stolen from blogson Andrew of Custos Honor]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[PRINCESS & BABY 4 EVA... BABY & PRINCESS 4 EVA]

I don't know either one of them, but if I had to guess where those nicknames come from, I'd guess that she's high maintenance, and he finds wearing adult diapers to be sexually stimulating.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What is the "Latin" slogan on Mayor Quimby's mayoral seal?

3) What car did Patty and Selma drive after high school?

4) What is Patty and Selma's apartment number?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: What kind of hate mail does Evil Glenn get? due by 11:59pm EDT Friday, July 14th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: North Korea Needs a Hug

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: What little-known rights are terrorists entitled to under the Geneva Convention?

The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

She walks in beauty, like the night
Of cloudless climes and starry skies
And all that's best of dark and bright
Meets in her aspect and her eyes

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Shave That Thing]

Answer under the Jeopardy category "Marital Relations". The correct question is "What's a guy got to do to get a blowjob around here?"

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

3) In "And Maggie Makes Three", Marge says which TV character sets a bad example?

4) What isn't allowed at the vacation spot Smithers goes to?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 4

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If you meet someone in whose presence you feel a desire to achieve, such a person is worthy of your love, and is awakening love in your heart.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[LAS VEGAS]

Sadly, among graduates of public schools, this is the most common answer to the question, "What is the location of the US Treasury building pictured on the back of this $10 bill?"

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) In "Lisa the Greek", what perfume is in a bottle shaped like The Oscar?

3) In "Bart the Lover", what were the names of the two fish Bart killed?

4) What song displaces "We're Sending Our Love Down the Well" from the #1 spot?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Fun Facts About Missouri

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time throw empty Bud cans at those pathetic Royals, because we're headed to Missouri, so let's get started...

Missouri became the 24th state on August 10th, 1821. It was originally admitted to the Union as a "slave" state, but eventually exchanged slavery for the slightly-less-evil institution of Country music.

The state bird of Missouri is the Bluebird, which - unlike its cousin, the Swallow - CAN fly while grasping a coconut by the husk.

Missouri has the second best educational system in the U.S. It WOULD be first, but for the fact that they fail to teach their kids that there's no "r" in "wash".

Missouri was named after the Missouri indian tribe, whose name means "seriously, there's no 'ah' at the end... idiots..."

Missouri's nickname is "The Pronouncing Invisible Letters State".

The state flag of Missouri originally only featured two bears on it. A third, smaller bear was later added to make the flag "juuuuuust right".

Missouri's license plates contain the motto "Show Me". They should not be confused with Louisiana's license plates, which say "Show Me Your Boobs".

Baseball coach Yogi Berra was born in St. Louis, Missouri, and is famous for his quaint, mixed-metaphor sayings, like "It ain't over till the clip's empty".

The state insect of Missouri is the honeybee, which is usually served deep-fried and sprinkled on waffles.

The crinoid became Missouri's state fossil after a group of students at Lee's Summit high school conducted an experiment to see how much is costs to bribe a state legislature.

Ten thousand dollars, a case of whiskey, and a dozen hookers, if you're curious.

The capitol building in Jefferson City, Missouri burned to the ground in 1911 after being struck by lightning during an attempt to make a DeLorean travel through time.

Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards than Paris, but fewer German armies have marched down them.

The Gateway Arch is located in St. Louis, Missouri, and was originally the symbol for the now-defunct NcDonald's restaurant chain.

Aunt Jemima Pancake Flour was invented in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the first commercially successful self-rising flour. It was followed by the less-well-received "Uncle Tom Cake Mix" and "Jungle Bunny Pie Crust".

Springfield, Missouri, was founded by a group of tourists who got lost on the way to Branson.

Carthage, Missouri, is home to the Precious Moments Chapel, a museum filled with adorable porcelain bisque figurines of big-eyed children, featuring such titles as "Mommy's Been Drinking Again" and "Please, Daddy, Not The Belt!"

Weldon Springs, Missouri, is the site of the Nuclear Waste Adventure Trail and Museum. While there, be sure to try the Paint Chip Nachos.

The "Elvis is Alive Museum" can be found in Wright City, Missouri. It's conveniently located between the "Al Gore Won" and "Michael Moore Would Recognize Truth If It Jumped Up And Bit Him In the Ass" Museums.

Black inventor George Washington Carver was born in Diamond Grove, Missouri, and is proof that black people used to be able to become famous for something other than sports and political activism.

President Harry S Truman was born in Lamar, Missouri. The "S" stands for "so let's nuke the Japs".

Rush Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where he got his start in radio by beating up liberal talk show hosts and stealing their lunch money.

Author Mark Twain was born in Florida, Missouri, where the rumors of his death are no longer greatly exaggerated.

Outlaw Jesse James was born in Centerville, Missouri, and was known as "the most dangerous man in America". At least until Rush Limbaugh got his first radio job.

Iced tea was invented at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904 as a method of frightening away the stuffy and annoying British tourists.

Seriously... what's the point of hot tea, anyway? It's like drinking boiled Kool-Aid.

The ice cream cone was also invented at the 1904 World's Fair, after an ice cream vendor discovered that all of his paper cups had been destroyed by a mysterious virus.

Probably of British origin.

Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis, Missouri, is the world's largest brewery. In 1872, they patented their secret formula for "Alco-swill", which was later re-named "Budweiser" for marketing reasons.

Robert Wadlow - who was the world's tallest man at 8 feet 11 inches - was born in St. Louis, Missouri. His "Where's Wadlow" line of children's books was a dismal failure.

"Wild Kingdom" host Marlin Perkins was born in Carthage, Missouri. He gained fame documenting his travels around the world as he searched for new and exotic toppings for Imo's Pizza.

---

That wraps up the Missouri edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be redlining down 7,000 miles of copless interstates as we tour Montana.

Hey... it's after 5pm somewhere...

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'd rather have one breath of her air, one touch of her hand, one kiss of her lips, than an eternity without.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(drawing on Washington's face)]

Ya wanna know the REAL reason I'll never vote for Al Sharpton? It's that I never, EVER want to take the chance of peeking into my wallet and seeing this.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What hangs on the wall directly to the right of the refrigerator in the Simpson's kitchen?

3) Who helps Troy McClure in many of his educational films?

4) Charlie, who works at the power plant, has a sister with what sort of handicap?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 3

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: What other bizarre cries for attention should we expect from North Korea? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, July 12th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

The IMAO 4th Blogiversary Roast of Frank J. (and Filthy Lie Round-up) is up at IMAO.

New Filthy Lie Assignment: What kind of hate mail does Evil Glenn get?

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The smile on your face brings a smile to my heart.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[REMEMBER - you suck!]

Although there's nothing inherently wrong with buying yourself a stupid hooker in order to save a little money, you still might want to take the precaution of reminding her not to take "blowjob" literally.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

1) (T/F) Moe calls a garage a "car hole"

2) Because he's late for school on the day P.E. classes are picked, what class does Bart have to take?

3) What is the title of Apu's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

4) What is the title of Barney's entry into the Springfield Film Festival?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

THAT 1 GUY'S BIRTHDAY PRESENT

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom turned 39 today. I thought of the perfect gift for him, but then I realized he probably already had one.

Then it occurred to me that some things are just so damn useful that you should have one in every room in the house.

To that end, I'll just offer up his tenth copy of this handy instruction manual:

Happy Birthday, T1G.

WEB DESIGN PIE CHART

For those who design web pages, I think you'll be amused by this breakdown of how you spend your time.

[via Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your love is as a kaleidoscope... with each turn of each new day, your love brings new visions of hope, desire, passions, and love never ending.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[St. Lazerth - Anyone who Receives this bill will be Blessed with a Lot of Money if They Write this saying on 10 other Bills]

Next time try using St. Amway, the patron saint of marginally successful pyramid schemes.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) In "A Fish Called Selma," Troy starts dating Selma to cover up his fetish for what?

3) What brand of beer do they drink in Shelbyville?

4) Who does Mother Simpson's false I.D. from Tennessee say she is?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

IMAO: BEHIND THE BLOG

(A Filthy Lie)

IMAO is celebrating its 4th blogiversary this Sunday and I thought this would be a good time to post an insider's perspective.

When they hear that I blog at IMAO, most people say "Oh! How wonderful to work for a man like Frank J., who oozes funny as effortlessly as Michael Moore's belly-rolls ooze sweat!"

Well, the oozing IS great, but there are... other aspects... to the position that are somewhat less glamorous. For example:

* When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!"

* Once a year, all the team members have to make a pilgrimmage to Florida to pee on his cat's head for luck.

* If you write a post that gets less than 10 comments, he makes you eat a live scorpion while he watches on a webcam.

* About once a month, Frank sends out an e-mail with the subject "I've got a GREAT idea!!!". Also about once a month, the balance in the "IMAO Bail Money Fund" drops to zero.

* When Frank J. cuts the IMAO paychecks, he writes "money for funny" on the memo line. Unfortunately, his crappy handwriting makes it look like "money for fellatio". I get the oddest looks at the bank.

In gratitude, I bought him this little gift, which I hope he finds useful:

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

True love is, when everything in the world is going wrong, all you have to do is look at that special person and, suddenly, everything in the world is right again.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[who ever get this dollar will be bless]

Apparently, mastery of English grammar is not among the blessings one may expect to receive.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What's the name of the country-western comedy show that guest-starred Lurleen Lumpkin?

3) Where was Lurleen Lumpkin working when Homer discovered her?

4) How did Selma permanently lose her senses of taste and smell?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Meanwhile in Iraq

(cross-posted from IMAO)

(click to enlarge)

Security was ramped up as a precaution after New York Times reporters were sighted in the area. Unfortunately, the German Shepherd was actually Bill Keller in a dog suit.

[Pic via CENTCOM]

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 2

Over at Drunken Wisdom.

EVERY SOAP NEEDS...

Just thinking about soap operas, and it occurred to me that there are certain general story lines that must necessarily be going on at all times, and if one character stops being the subject of one of these lines, then another character must take their place:

Someone's battling a "fatal" disease.

Someone's having an affair.

Someone has amnesia.

Someone doesn't know who the baby's real father is.

And love triangles are a given, so you don't have to mention that.

I REMEMBER

7-7-05

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I love you.
I love every little thing about you
Your sexy smile, the sound of your voice,
The magic in your eyes.
I love your gentle touch
And the warmth I feel at your side.
I love dreaming about you.
I love discovering you and letting go with you.
I love each and every
Once-in-a-lifetime moment I share with you...
Today... tomorrow... forever!

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[I Love Brandon! 12-18-02]

Brandon was quite the ladies' man in high school. Not only could he get the girls to put their declarations of love in writing, he was pretty good at getting their locker combinations, too.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Where does Homer like to buy his donuts?

3) Who said, "I'm going to do what Bart should have told me to do a long time ago"?

4) What is school cafeteria gravy made out of?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

I'LL BET WE'LL ACTUALLY SEE SOME OF THESE IN 2008

You may have heard that a group of lefty wackos has gone on a hunger strike to "bring the troops home".

You may not have heard that said hunger strike doesn't necessarily exclude food.

WTF?

Blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! has a list of other "creative" protests that I found particularly amusing. I'll give you one, and you can go get the rest on your own:

In emulation of the United States Founding Fathers, they will be re-enacting their own version of the Boston Tea Party by pouring out -onto President Bush's Crawford Ranch driveway- nearly an ounce, each, of their Starbucks Mocha-Latte-Half Milk, Half Cream-Pinch of Cinnamon-Extra Whipped Cream-Grande Cappuccinos.

Half-Assed Protests

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.

GROUCHY NOW

I know I shouldn't let this get to me, but it's gotten.

I went to Wal-Mart in search of a legal pad. You know... yellow, 8 1/2 by 14 sheets of paper?

They don't sell them. Legal pads now only come in letter size.

So I simply assumed that Wal-Mart was just being totally gay, and that any reputable office supply store would carry them.

Yeah... but only in a f*cking 12-PACK!

No, you can't buy just one.

What... did someone kill all the lawyers and not tell me? What the f*ck is going on here?

Fine... I'll make do with notebook paper. Now all I need is a pen to write with. A nice fine-point, black ink, retractable pen. One with a plastic button on the top that I can nibble on contemplatively between jottings. Since I'm in the office supply store, I'll just check the 300 square feet of wall space devoted to our friend the pen. Surely they'll have SOMETHING that fits my needs?

Black, fine... stick... no good.

Black, fine, retractable... metal button... no good.

Gel... go f*ck yourself... that isn't ink, that's slime. Moving right along.

Black, retractable, plastic... medium point...

10,000 pens on the wall, and I can't find the one I want.

Did I run over some office supply manager's kid while I was drunk, and now I'm being devoured by cosmic karmic revenge?

I really don't understand this. Would someone PLEASE explain to me what happened to all the legal pads and black, plastic, retractable, fine-point pens?

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Filthy Lie Assignment reminder: Tell a Filthy Lie about Frank J. for his 4th Blogiversary Roast due by 11:59pm EDT Saturday, July 8th. Late entries must be accompanied by profuse begging and apologies.

Wednesday Linky Stuff

Precision Guided Humor Round-up: Stupid Protester Tricks

New Precision Guided Humor Assignment: North Korea Needs a Hug

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'll sweep you off your feet, and make God regret he left an angel behind.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[37]

The answer to the ultimate question of Life, The Universe, and A Couple of Things.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What's the slogan for Fire Safety Day at Springfield Elementary?

3) According to Smithers, how many little jobs does he do for Mr. Burns?

4) Which U.S. President did Burns' mother have an affair with?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

UPDATE: Comments busted. OTC answers in the extended entry

Fun Facts About Mississippi

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

This week, it's time get stinkin' drunk, float down the Big Muddy, and wash up on a sandbar with a hangover, because we're headed to Mississippi, so let's get started...

Mississippi became the 20th state on December 10th 1817. Although the new state's entry faced violent opposition, it managed to get admitted to the Union since people with lisps did not yet have the right to vote.

Mississippi has 82 counties, all of which have at least one town named "Bubbaville".

The state flag of Mississippi is best described as a combination of the Confederate and French flags. Don't count on them to win any wars for you.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. The world's largest couch was built there in her honor, just in case Tom Cruise stops by.

Chitlins were first served in Shuqulah, Mississippi, which - I assume - is home to a disproportionate population of the hopelessly insane.

Mississippi gets its name from the Chippewa Indian word "mici-zibi", which means "River's flooding again... WHY do these stupid white people keep rebuilding here?"

Mississippi has a population of 3 million people and 6 million teeth.

Singer Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Does anyone else find it ironic that he once had a hit song about shoes?

In a fight between Aquaman & someone from Mississippi, the Mississippian would lose, but he'd write a great blues song about the fight that would make millions.

Most people from Mississippi have several Confederate flag sticker on their cars. This doesn't make them racist, it just means that they're too poor to afford enough duct tape to hold their cars together.

If you're in Mississippi and someone tries to mug you, just yell, "Look! Snow!". The mugger will become paralyzed with confusion and you can make your escape.

Although Mississippi is frequently the 50th ranked state in quality of education, it IS ranked #1 in the category of "boosting self-esteem for students in the other 49 states".

The world's largest Bible-binding plant is in Greenwood, Mississippi, and uses only genuine atheist-skin leather.

...And people wonder why I've never been to Mississippi...

The Stetson hat was invented in Dunn's Falls, Mississippi, which is constantly being attacked by Texas Crusaders seeking to recapture their holy city.

Football player Walter "Sweetness" Payton was born in Columbia, Mississippi, and was the first athlete to appear simultaneously on boxes of "Wheaties", "Gritties", and "Chitlinies" cereals.

Petal, Mississippi is home to the International Checkers Hall of Fame. Requirements for induction include winning a tournament on a 5-jump, double-king combo move, and appearing on a "Chitlinies" box.

The Vicksburg National Cemetary is the largest national cemetary in America. Some people say that the Arlington National Cemetary is larger, but it's stuffed with all them damn Yankees, so it doesn't really count.

Legendary Football quarterback Brett Favre was born in Kiln, Mississippi. He's reputed to be able to throw a football hard enough to break a receiver's fingers, but he only does that if the guy's late with his protection money payment.

Singer Jimmy Buffett was born in Pascagoula, Mississippi, but was banished after all the town's salt-shakers mysteriously disappeared.

It was his own damn fault.

Mississippi is the only state in America that doesn't offer personalized license plates. The state's DMV figures it's not worth it, since no one can read those big ol' 6-letter words, anyway.

The fried peanut butter and banana sandwich was invented in Tupelo, Mississippi by Elvis Presley in 1945. He never patented his invention, and died in bankrupt obscurity in 1977.

It is NOT true that the Governor of Mississippi is chosen as a result of being the victor in a greased-pig-catching contest. They don't actually grease the pig.

Actor James Earl Jones was born in Arkabutla, Mississippi, but soon moved to Coruscant to complete his Sith training.

Mississippi has the lowest percentage of high school graduates in America, since the graduation exam requires students to spell the state's name without using the words "crooked-letter" or "humpback".

During a hunting expedition to Mississippi in 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. This act resulted in the creation of the world-famous stuffed animal, the "Stupid Yankee Bear".

In 1807, Aaron Burr was arraigned for treason in Washington, Mississippi, beneath the Burr Oaks. Optimists in the city have since planted a grove of Jane Fonda Oaks, just in case.

---

That wraps up the Mississippi edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll get tricked into whitewashing fences by Tom Sawyer when we visit Missouri.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pour me a big ol' bowl of Chitlinies for breakfast.

Things I Learned While I Was on Liberty in San Francisco, California, and Really, Really Drunk - Part 1

Over at Drunken Wisdom

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

With you my love, I want to start a dream that never ends.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Aaron - this is for finally cleaning your damned tool box 1/7/02 Highlander]

Aaron received a little gift from the "Tool Box Fairy", who is conceptually similar to the Tooth Fairy, except that he thinks he's an immortal Scottish swordsman.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) Homer is amazed to see that there's a character named after him on what TV show?

3) According to Apu, what Valentine's Day drink should get you "pretty darned hammered"?

4) What company builds a cellular phone antenna site in Lisa's bedroom?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Love is the binding that holds you to your dreams. Love does not come over you, rather you choose to love. Only when you choose to love one forever and you stand by that dedication of love will you truly love for life and live happily every after.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[The Lucky One!]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Obscure Silent Films Dollars". Coming soon: "Countess Bloggie", and "The Fable of the Girl Who Took Notes and Got Wise and Then Fell Down".

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What sits next to the basement door in the Simpson's house?

3) What is the sea captain's name?

4) What is the Springfield Judge's name?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

MEANWHILE AT ALLIANCE HQ

Precision Guided Humor Assignment reminder: In addition to "fasts" that don't exclude food, what other half-hearted, watered-down protest techniques will hip-and-trendy anti-war protesters be using this summer? due by 11:59pm EDT Wednesday, July 5th. Late entries must be accompanied by a lame excuse.

Monday Linky Stuff

Filthy Lie Round-up: Evil Glenn's Independence Day

New Filthy Lie Assignment: Roasting Frank J. (IMAO 4th Blogiversary)

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)
(New Love Note - not previously posted)

Two hearts, one soul, dancing in the night, dancing in the day, never skips a note, never skips a beat, just goes on and on forever.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(coin from Finland featuring a bear)]

Embittered by his inability to rise above third place in the Ecosystem, Daily Kos vents his wrath on N.Z. Bear by encasing him in carbonite and having him flown to Jabba the Hut's headquarters in Finland.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) While Apu and his mother are staying at Homer's house, where does Homer stay?

3) What does the Australian government want to give Bart?

4) What airline flies the Simpsons to Australia?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

Just Captioning...

[Hat tip: John of Argghhh!]
(cross-posted from IMAO)

(click to enlarge)

"Soldiers disappointedly sample a local Iraqi delicacy - the 'sandmelon'"

OR

"Green on the outside, red on the inside... it's like eating a hippy!"

POSTING, VISITING, & COMMENTING MAY BE SPARSE...ER...

July finds me working on a writing project with a couple of guys from IMAO. Something's gotta give to make time for it, and it's probably gonna be blog-related items that'll get sacrificed.

Then again, you may not notice anything. Hard to predict.

But just in case it IS noticable, it's because I'm busy, not because I'm indifferent.

TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I can't stand next to you without wanting to hold you. I can't, I can't look into your eyes without feeling that, that longing you only read about in trashy romance novels. I can't talk to you without wanting to express my love for everything you are.

[Hat tip: Blogson Andrew of Custos Honor]

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[KATHRINE IS A CUTIE!!]

Romantic: Writing a flattering note on a dollar bill.

Creepy: Using your own blood for ink.

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) In "Principal Charming", who does Skinner fall in love with?

3) Homer's half-brother Herb was CEO of what company?

4) Who is the instructor at the canine college Santa's Little Helper attends?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.

HELP AN AUSTRALIAN IMMIGRATE

Amanda of Aussie Wife wants to immigrate to MuNu, but she needs some YAY's from other Munuvians.

Why should you YAY?

Because she knows the secrets of image compression.

She knows mushy stuff

And she knows more Simpson trivia than you do.

Please go YAY.

EVIL GLENN'S INDEPENDENCE DAY

(A FILTHY LIE holiday classic)

I was strolling through the park recently when I came across a familiar socks-and-sandals-clad figure doing... something... Curious, I inquired...

Harv: Hey Glenn, whatcha doin'

Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that. Don't you ever knock?

Harv: Ok [KNOCK!]

Evil Glenn: Ow! My head!

Harv: Happy now?

Evil Glenn [rubbing rapidly swelling knot on his forehead]: It's a start. Anyway, if you MUST know, I'm setting up my Independence Day fireworks celebration by wiring bricks of C-4 to this helpless family of adorable fuzzy little bunny rabbits.

Harv: That's evil!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Yeah, but this is beyond lawyer evil. It's practically French.

Evil Glenn: Like defending Saddam Hussein against war crimes charges?

Harv: Exactly

Evil Glenn: Well, I was turned down for that gig because I blend puppies.

Harv: Ah, I see, you were too evil.

Evil Glenn: Not evil enough. Jacques Verges uses an industrial paper shredder.

Harv: No wonder he's defending Saddam. Anyway, I'm going to have to stop you from harming those cute little animals

Evil Glenn: It's ok, I'm making them wear eye protection. The won't be harmed, just exploded.

Harv: Well, as long as you're taking precautions, I guess it's ok. Have fun.

Too bad Glenn's a little fuzzy on the concept of "minimum safe distance", because, when I heard the explosion, I turned around and took a picture. This is what I saw:

(see extended entry for exciting conclusion):

Get the whole bad example »

---

(click to enlarge)

Hope those bunnies are ok.

INSTAPUNO DELENDA EST!

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

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TODAY'S LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Speak softly my love, hold me close against your heart... because my life is yours

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber Stamp: I GREW HEMP)]

Washington's admission of his youthful indiscretion almost cost him the Presidency, until he explained, "... but I didn't harvest."

TODAY'S SIMPSON TRIVIA

(Introduction)

2) What is the name of the Springfield football team?

3) What do the Simpsons briefly change their last name to?

4) What is the name of Kent Brockman's news-magazine show?

Official Trivia Card answers in the comments tomorrow.