QUESTIONABLE PARENTING

Nick of NickQueen.com questions Rosie's parenting skills and points to the princess/soldier slideshow video of the dark-circle-eyed little waif in her costumes.

My opinion?

I don't have anything against kids playing dress up.

But I do find it slightly disturbing when parents use their kids as props for a piece of political performance art.

There's a difference between playing with your kids and toying with them.

Democratic Candidates Beg Coulter for Abuse

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Washington (AP) - After John Edwards successfully transformed Ann Coulter's desire to see him killed by terrorists into a fund-raising bonanza, other Democratic candidates have begun vying for a spot on the conservative columnist's hit list.

"I don't understand why Ann hasn't taken a shot at me, yet," said former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, "I'm Hispanic for cryin' out loud! Everyone hates Mexicans right now! I'm such an easy target - Fish. Barrel. Bang!"

"So far, "Richardson continued, "I've gotten Carlos Mencia to call me a 'stupid beaner', but that's not exactly paying the bills. If I could only push Ann into calling me a 'dirty spic' or something, I might actually be a viable candidate."

"Hurt us, Ann, hurt us!"

Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich was equally frustrated, though less hopeful of receiving a caustic Coulter quote.

"I'm really upset about this," said Kucinich, "This is exactly the sort of inflammatory ad hominem attack that my Fairness Doctrine bill is designed to address. If this became law, then right-wing attack dogs like Ms. Coulter would be required to cast her bilious - yet lucrative - aspersions on all candidates equally."

"Sadly, though," lamented Kucinich, "I don't hold out much hope for a dose of her venom. I mean, how do you insult a straight, white guy? Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll call me 'an elf in a bad toupee".

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, however, was quite optimistic about his chances of laughing all the way to the bank courtesy of one of Coulter's uncomfortable-silence inducing "jokes".

"Honestly," said Obama, "how long do you think it'll be before that Nazi ankle-biter drops an n-bomb on me? KA-CHING!"

"But even if she doesn't go that far, I'm fairly confident I'll score at least a 'spear chucker' or 'jungle bunny' before the year is out. That woman's never been one to shy away from calling a spade a spade, if you know what I mean," chuckled Obama.

Frontrunner Hillary Clinton was abrupt and dismissive on matters Coulter.

"With the combined revenue from my books, Bill's books, and the occasional cattle futures investment, I really don't need her help," Clinton said.

"Besides," she added, "if I wanted to hear from a blond bitch, I'd just talk to the mirror."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In loving you, I find that I don't need to strike a balance between what I want and what I need, since you provide both in such delightfully overwhelming measure.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[Good Luck Bobbi (also large tear across top)]

Since she tried to open it up to see if there was money inside, I'm guessing Bobbi was a blond.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

I MUST DO THE RIGHT THING

Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views has gone off on vacation, leaving his blog unattended.

Which usually means a comment party.

However, he's left strict instructions that no comment parties take place in his absence.

Which is only right.

I mean, a comment party at Ogre's place would just degenerate into a bunch of bizarre llama references and Monty Python quotes and Reddi-Wip covered naked people diving into vats of pudding, and that's just WRONG.

So I'm not even going to give to link to the vulnerable top post.

I'm not going to do it.

No sir.

Not at all.

I'm not goin...

I'm not...

I...

I...

...

I'm SO weak...

*hangs head in shame*

CAN WE SPEED THIS UP?

Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance asks a good question:

Isn't it about time they invented a computer that you can turn on and start using immediately instead of having to wait several minutes while everything loads? I don't know much about the inner workings of computers but why can't they do that?

CAN there be such a thing as "instant start"?

I mean, is it theoretically possible to have a computer that doesn't waste time showing you system data & whatnot?

My desktop is running at 2 gig, but it still takes as long to boot up as my first 12 MHz system.

WTF?

lolterizt! Part 2

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Some housekeeping first.

It's been brought to my attention that there are "lolterrorists" pictures on the web that pre-date my first "lolterizt" post. I was not previously aware of these. If I had been, I would've given them links to credit them with being an inspiration. Nevertheless, I think the creators deserve a little applause for discovering a great idea on their own.

As for the ones *I* post, it'd be nice if you gave IMAO [or Bad Example, if that's where you're reading this] a little hat tip, but I'm not going to go all Disney-copyright-lawyer on your ass if you don't.

I like ego-stroking as much as the next blogger, but it's FAR more important to me to see murdering bastard terrorists being mocked, demeaned, and belittled as often as possible than it is to get credit for a particular picture.

So pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

Anyway, my current plan is to just post a small cluster every few days until I run out of pictures and get sick of Googling for new images. Not sure how long that'll be.

Meanwhile, here's the next round:

Oh, and that first one is a real pic of Crazy Rosie's kid. I only added the words [hat tip to Laura of Conservative, Dreadlocked, Bitch].

No, I *Didn't* Write This Headline for the Boston Globe

(cross-posted from IMAO)

"Elizabeth Edwards: 'Comfortable' with gay marriage"

Think she's referring to her marriage with John?

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Our love is not merely a connection, it is a fusion at the atomic level. The same power that sustains the sun itself, and its results are equally as warming and life-giving.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(rubber stamp: Track This Bill, www.wheresgeorge.com, also map showing Ames Iowa)]

This must be that "middle of nowhere" people keep talking about.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

No Amnesty For Illegal Liberal Radio!

At the end of the Liberal-Reagan Airwave War, the Limbaugh Treaty clearly established AM talk radio as being the sovereign territory of conservative shows & hosts. Since that time there have been legal procedures in place to allow liberals to appear on radio, but too often, these laws have been flouted. Before examining a real solution, it's important to understand the problem of illegal liberal talk radio immigration.

Stealing jobs - It's often said that liberals are just "doing the jobs conservative radio talk show hosts won't do". At first glance, this seems true, since most liberal talk shows suck and end up at the bottom of the ratings heap.

Conservatives wouldn't want to do that, right?

But the thing is, most of these are low-skill, entry-level positions and would be filled by people just entering the work force. Unlike liberals, conservatives would eventually get better and move up, making room for the next generation.

"I hate America, but I love strangling kittens!"

Crime - Some people claim that "liberals are people, too". Interesting theory, but studies have shown that whenever liberals get illegally involved in talk radio, the crime rate skyrockets. Writing bad checks, stealing from children's charities, strangling kittens... the list of their heinous misdeeds goes on and on.

Welfare abuse - Let's lay to rest the myth of "the hard-working liberal". Most liberals who come to our airwaves illegally waste no time getting on the public dole where they are content to receive fat checks from NPR which they squander on crack, tofu, and hemp-based clothing items.

Disgraceful!

These criminals are aided and abetted by their liberal buddies in congress who propose to "solve" this problem with the so-called "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act", currently being touted by Senator Kucinich (D - Mind Control Space Laserton). I'll spare you all the legalistic mumbo-jumbo. What it boils down to is that it's just amnesty for the liberals who are already on talk radio, plus it reduces the barriers to letting more of them in.

And how will this new crop of tree-hugging patchouli-ferrets get their jobs?

By stealing them from hard working conservatives, that's how!

If that happens, talk radio will once again become the barren wasteland of lunacy it was before conservatives made the ideological desert of the airwaves bloom with laughter, song, and coherant thought.

But don't despair. There's a better solution. We could have REAL reform in four simple steps.

1) Protect the borders. We need to immediately set up fences around our radio stations. Fences with pointy barbed wire, and dog runs between them filled with rabid German Shepherds. And a minefield. Maybe a moat. Moats are cool. And we could put rabbits in the moat. Big, vicious swamp rabbits. Liberals are afraid of rabbits.

2) Mass deportation. Any liberals who are on our airwaves illegally should immediately be deported to whichever liberal arts campus or community college they came from. There they can go back to earing their PhD in Tolkein Mythology Studies or whatever they were working on before they got really stoned one night and accidentally signed up for Broadcast Communications classes. Plus, I hear the McDonald's in the student commons is hiring.

3) Take corporate greed out of the equation. Companies like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting know they can get away with hiring desperate, talentless liberals for pennies a day. There should be harsh fines and penalties for this sort of exploitation.

4) A real path to radio citizenship: learning English. It's simply not fair to radio audiences for them to have to put up with incomprehensible liberal monkey-jabber phrases like "Bush lied" or "global warming" or "conservative media bias". NO one understands what that garbage means! If they can't even master simple English grammar like not using the word "but" after the phrase "I support the troops", they have no business in the communications industry.

Sane, sensible, simple.

And although the illegal liberal problem seems insurmountable, common sense airwave reform IS possible. Contact your Senators and congressmen now and tell them to vote NO on the "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act".

The kitten you save may be your own.

I WONDER IF APPLE'S AD AGENCY SAW THIS?

According to Scoot of Scootinger's Blog, the original "Mac vs. PC" wasn't a TV ad, it was an article in the September 1996 issue of MacAddict magazine.

And yes, the Mac was a smug, annoying little turd even back then.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Like Martin Luther, I nail my declarations of love to your heart's door. Heed the words thereon, for I shall not be dissuaded from the path of devotion I've chosen.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[Increase in the name of Jesus]

That's one way to do it. Personally, I go with Viagra.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

HAPPY HEADLINE OF THE DAY

"Insurgents killed while rigging truck with explosives"

Enjoy your 1008 virgins, assholes.

WTF?

Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite told me about this:

GenSpec, a Florida-based company, has begun selling new lines of multivitamins targeted at African-Americans, Caucasians, and Hispanics, touting them as "the first genetically specific nutritional supplements."

Here's the GenSpec products page and here's the Washington Post scratching their heads on the topic.

Two thoughts:

1) Does it matter which drinking fountain you use to wash these down?

2) Should Michael Jackson use African-American Male or Caucasian Female vitamins?

OO! SHINY!

Bloggranddaughter Irishpixie of Pixie Dust Productions, Inc. is now making and selling her own jewelry.

I know nothing about fashion, but I still thought they were very pretty.

You should at least go look at the pictures.

THE ILLUSTRATED GUIDE TO ANTIQUE WASHING MACHINE USE

This post by niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! (who is FINALLY blogging again) will, no doubt, inspire a new Fox TV quiz show called "Are You Smarter Than Your Grandmother?"

NO MORE TIRED HANDS

Pleasure yourself using Twitter via cutting edge teledildonics technology.

What does it say about me that I was familiar with the term "teledildonics" before blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City sent me this link?

ALMOST AS GOOD AS A PAT ON THE HEAD AND A COOKIE

Scott of Dangerously Irrelevant has come up with an idea for publicly recognizing excellent commenters - awarding them the Fantastic Commenter badge:

Of course, you can always just do what *I* do and make blogkids out of them, but that's a personal decision you'll have to make for yourself.

lolterizt!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

By now you're probably familiar with the lolcats phenomenon, where pictures of cats are captioned with a something best described as a cross between l33t-speak and Engrish.

Or perhaps you've seen the spinoffs: lolbird, loldog, and/or lolhamster.

Well, it just seems wrong to me to be making fun of innocent animals like that.

So I'll be making fun of guilty animals, i.e. terrorists.

Or terizts, as it were:

WE ARE AMUSED

By XKCD today.

Probably because I know so many people like the second speaker.

And in a similar vein, today's User Friendly.

(Go ahead & click the links. Work safe and less than a 30-second read.)

SO *THAT'S* WHERE GLOBAL WARMING COMES FROM

Gerard of American Digest points to SurfaceStations.org, which is surveying weather stations around the country, checking for irregularities.

Such as how having an air conditioner exhaust next to a thermometer might skew temperature readings so that people will look at them and shriek "GLOBAL WARMING!".

And how sensibly situated instruments don't have this problem.

And no, global climate models don't take this into account.

Interesting.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I've tried counting how many times you've made me happy, but I gave up, since the number increases faster than I can count.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

["Suck my balls" and drawing of spurting member]

Official White House Tour souvenir, circa 1996.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

COUPLE OF VIDEOS

Fauxmercial for Powerthirst energy drink - keep the kiddies out of earshot:

South Park Mac vs. PC - we'll call this one PG13

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* If John Edwards went to prison, even Fred Thompson wouldn't be powerful enough to quell the riots over who would get to be his bunkmate.

* When John Edwards's copy of Windows crashes, it displays a "Blue Screen of Hurt Feelings".

* Make up was invented in order to give women a fighting chance to defeat John Edwards in a beauty pageant.

* A recent survey of bunnies show that most of them own a pair of John Edwards slippers.

* If you play the song "I Feel Pretty" backwards and listen carefully, you can hear the sound of John Edwards preening.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You ask if I'm certain that I love you. I answer that the certainty of tomorrow's sunrise is a lottery ticket's gamble by comparison.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(rubber stamps: CURRENCY TRACKING STUDY LOG THIS BILL AT WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM and cartoon pig)]

And after I finish entering it at wheresgeorge, I'm donating it to CAIR.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Oddly, Running for Vice President in 2004 Wasn't On the List

(cross-posted from IMAO)

New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.

Intriguing stuff, to be sure.

Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal "lifestyle choice". From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:

* If you look at your hand and notice that there's another man's hand in it.

* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word "fabulous".

* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an "outfit".

* With the exception of "orange", if you've ever used a noun (for example, "eggshell") as a color name.

* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word "manicure" is ironic.

* If, when you use the phrase "don't ask, don't tell" to your friends, it's more often as a warning than a punchline.

* If you dance better backwards than forwards.

* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides "The Wizard of Oz".

* If you've marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn't March 17th.

* If you've ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don't remember the incident, your friends all swear it's true, but they're probably lying.

* If you're familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you've applied color to your face and you weren't on your way to a football game.

* If you own pink underwear that's the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I've been told that with faith, all things are possible, but there is not enough faith in the world for there to possibly be a man who loves you as much as I.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[D-Block Bitch]

Isn't that cute? Paris already has a nickname.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

THUS THE TAGLINE

[Hat tip: Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus]

Taking the Lefties to Humor School (Again)

Gabe & Max from HuffPo try to make fun of the "gay bomb" thing, but outside of "scoliosis toast", I think their whole bit was just off. Here's why:

Problem 1: Overusing the "invisible" reference - While a "running gag" is a time-honored comedic technique, it really only works when you have enough material between uses for your audience to forget about the gag. That way, when you hit the reference again, they go "Ha! I remember that!" instead of "Oh... THAT again". Using it four times in a ten item list is sleep-inducing, at best.

Problem 2: Brevity! - Unless you're in a permalink contest, the key to list humor is brevity, or at least economy of phrasing. Adding endless qualifying phrases is ok ONCE, as a change-up. Using the technique six times in a ten item list bogs down the pace and muddles the timing. It ends up reading like a third-grader's "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay.

Problem 3: Brevity! Brevity! Brevity! - Rather than resorting to the amateurish technique of explaining how the weapons work, try thinking like a professional. Use the NAME of the weapon to tell the joke.

Problem 4: END the piece - Don't just let your list peter out and then call it a day. Tack on a little bonus joke at the end to wrap it up in style.

Here's how a REAL web humorist does it:

* Lambada bullets

* Michael Moore super-weight-gainer bomb

* Hippie smell missile

* Ron Paul loony laser

* Can't get the chorus from "Hey, Jude" out of my head grenades

* Restless Leg Syndrome rockets

* Satellite-based wedgie weapon

* French courage gas

* Special Olympics mines

* Portable pit o' ravenous Rosies

* Paris Hilton work ethic ray

* Not-so-fresh feeling cluster bombs

And the most effective hi-tech terrorist-stopper of all:

(see extended entry)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

As the ocean kisses the beach, the waves of my love will wash gently and unceasingly against the shores of your heart.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: www.WHERESGEORGE.com BILL TRACKING PROJECT)]

Actually, that's Hillary's way of keeping track of her husband.

"George" is her code word for that... uh... "troublesome part" of his.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Michael Moore's "Sicko" - Propagantastic!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Michael Moore's new documentary, Sicko, is a brilliantly executed film work that approaches a difficult subject with an open mind, and delivers its facts with a surprising evenhandedness and absence of bias.

Fine. I lied. If he can do it, so can I.

Still, I have to admit that watching Sicko was an eye-opening experience. Here's just a few of the amazing things I learned:

* There is an acute shortage of human blood in US hospitals, because federal regulations require hospital administrators to drink it in celebration after every denial of treatment to the uninsured.

* Cuba has the best health care system in the world, since it provides a skilled physician from Spain to examine every Cuban President in the country.

* Unlike in America, you'll never see a long line of desperately ill people waiting at a health clinic, since in Britain it's called a "queue".

* Most pharmaceutical companies recycle by making their drugs out of people who died because they couldn't afford to buy the drugs.

* 50 million Americans are uninsured and are at severe risk of paying money in exchange for products and services.

* American health insurance premiums are determined by using a complex array of morbidity & mortality charts, combined with 20-sided dice-throws from a basement full of D&D nerds.

* Britain's health care system is modelled on Canada's. Their dental care system - Alabama's.

* The French not only provide free health care, they also provide free nannies for recovering patients with children. Still working on air conditioners for the elderly though.

* The ultimate proof of the superiority of Canada's health care system? Hospital gowns that completely cover your ass.

* The health care system in place at the Guantanamo detention facility is closer to France's system than America's, since it's full of angry, unassimilated Muslims.

* In order to get decent health care in the US, you first must get abused by a cynical, unshaven doctor with a limp and a Vicodin addiction.

* Unlike in America, a French hospital does not have to charge fifty dollars for a couple of lousy Tylenol, since their currency is the Euro.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I find it peculiar to hear other people claiming to be in love. When I think about the indescribable delight that you and I share, it's just so hard to imagine even the faintest duplication of it existing anywhere else.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(I Love you ADAM!)]

Graffiti of Eden

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BLOGGING TIPS: DO... UH... DON'T... NO, WAIT...

FIAR of Radioactive Liberty made me giggle with his post "12 Simple Rules Guaranteed to Improve Your Blogging", wherein he briefly yet passionately argues on both sides of six issues about which people commonly dispense blogging advice. It's only about a 2 minute read, so go read it now, because I'm about to spoil the effect by offering a serious weighing-in on the topics.

[2 minute pause]

1) Do/Don't proofread meticulously - if you're a strictly "for fun" blogger, just run it through a spell-checker once & toss it up there. Your family & friends won't care, and they probably won't even notice as long as the first and last letters are right. If you need a spell-checker, here's a nice little standalone program (very short download - 555k).

If you're a "practicing writer blogger" or just obsessive-compulsive, then go through your posts with a fine tooth comb. Personally, I find it helpful to read through them in a couple of different fonts. Another trick is to read it backwords - that way you're looking at the words instead of reading phrases. More proofreading tricks here.

2) Do/Don't have open comments - I vote open, of course. You can't feel the love without comments. The only good reason to not have comments is if you're getting hundreds of them on every post, and a good chunk of them are abusive. So basically everyone except Michelle Malkin should have comments enabled. And even Michelle is bringing them back, so what does THAT tell you?

3) Do/Don't respond to comments - In a perfect world, everyone would be like Ogre of Ogre's Politics & Views. He consistently responds to every comment he gets, and does so in the comments section of his posts. Very encouraging to his readers.

Other bloggers (like SarahK of Mountaineer Musings) regularly respond to comments via e-mail. Some people do varying degrees of either or both. Personally, I believe that acknowledging your commenters is a GOOD thing, and you should do it whenever possible, time permitting.

4) Do/Don't have a life - Do. Unless you have a contractual obligation to provide a certain number of posts by a particular deadline, and failure to do so will cost you money, don't hesitate to turn off the computer and even completely forego posting for days on end. Your readers will survive, and the people who actually LIVE with you will appreciate the attention. Besides, if you have open comments, your readers may even keep your blog entertaining for you.

NOTE: The fact that I personally haven't had a postless day in months does NOT invalidate the preceding advice. It just means I'm an addict who is currently dodging his 12-step meetings.

5) Do/Don't talk about yourself - Who cares? Just POST, dammit!

Truth is, it doesn't matter WHAT you write about. The people who enjoy reading THAT topic, in YOUR style WILL find you. The rest... don't really matter.

Small caveat - if you're a "topical" rather than a "personal" blogger, it's still a good idea to have an "about me" category to store posts of a personal nature so that newcomers can get a feel for your experiences & motivations. Having some background on a writer adds depth and richness to your readers' experience of your topical posts. If nothing else, at least have one post of basic biographical information that's linked in your sidebar.

6) Do/Don't use profanity - As a general rule, I say no. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy my 4-letter Anglo-Saxonisms as much as the next former Sailor, and I have great admiration for those who raise swearing to an art form. However, I find that avoiding curse words has two advantages:

First, it forces you to come up with clever metaphors to replace the obscenities, which makes you a better writer.

Second, you get more site traffic, because more people feel comfortable surfing to your site while they're at work.

Still, there are situations that DO call for judicious f-bombing, and I make no apologies for that, since I know my readers are adult enough to deal with it, and they understand.

Besides, it's not the swearing that keeps decent people away from my site, it's the smutty innuendo & dirty pictures.

No, wait... that's what keeps them coming back.

Nevermind.

Anyway, the important thing is consistency. If you're gonna swear, then swear. If you're not, then don't. But don't suddenly start posting Eddie Murphy routines on your Christian Mommy blog. It's a gross discourtesy to those readers you've lulled into believing that they can safely surf your site with their pre-teen kids watching over their shoulders.

In conclusion, I want to leave you with this:

It's your blog, so it's your rules. Do what you want, when you want, and have as much fun as possible while you do it. Don't let anyone tell you how you "should" blog.

Except me ;-)

LET ME TRANSLATE

Driving around last night, I was behind a freakishly huge SUV sporting the license plate:

1 BAD 4X4

Couldn't help thinking that it probably means:

1 TNY PNS

IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be "Madness"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

VIENNA (AP) — The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be "an act of madness," in indirect warnings to animal control agents.

IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery - the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei's bleeding to death.

"I only want this leg for peaceful purposes."

However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.

ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud's refusal to heed ElBaradei's demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.

Earlier, Mahmoud's savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei's extremities — the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.

Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers — which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei's calf — have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might "just shoot the damn dog" if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.

But ElBaradei described any use of force as "an act of madness ... (that) would not resolve the issue."

"The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations," he said, adding: "although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection."

ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud's head off, putting an end to the crisis.

Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a "bad dog" would have been just as effective.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I promise to love you forever, but I hope that you will forgive me if I break that promise by loving you a little longer.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(unmarked 100 Franc bill with image of topless woman)]

French Historical Fun Fact: In 1789, France invented the wardrobe malfuntion.

[Hat tip to Snopes and blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

2) When you use me, you're faking it

3) I usually sit on your lap to do the act

Answer in the comments tomorrow.

NON-SEQUITUR OF THE DAY

This is message not spam. You email has been taken from open sources.

Opening line from a recent spam unsolicited commercial e-mail.

HAS IT BEEN...

Four years already?

Huh... I guess it has.

Save Our Endangered Terrorists!
An Editorial By Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently, the Humane Society of the United States protested the 21st Annual Star Island Yacht Club Shark Tournament. The HSUS - a fanatical animal rights organization - was incensed that sharks - which have declined in population by over 80% in the last 50 years - were being festively slaughtered for sport.

Their point being, I suppose, that it's unconscionable to kill vicious, flesh-eating predators if you have fun while doing it.

I have a hard time disagreeing. I mean, why would you NOT want more bloodthirsty, savage, aquatic killing-machines patrolling our coastal waters? Would YOU want to live in a world where it's perfectly safe to swim, surf, and scuba dive near the shorelines of a heavily populated area? I know *I* wouldn't! If nothing else, it helps keep the riff-raff & trailer trash off the beaches. I get enough of those visual atrocities at Wal-Mart, thank you very much!

Yet it seems to me that the HSUS is being elitist, if not downright speciesist, when it comes to choosing which spillers of innocent blood they fight to protect. It's common knowledge that the most dangerous predator on Earth is MAN. Specifically Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson, but other humans have been known to pose a threat on occasion, too.

Lately, the biggest non-Chuck-non-Fred threat to human life has been Islamic terrorists. Why isn't the HSUS doing something to protect them? Not a day goes by that the headlines don't splash the horrific death toll of our precious dwindling terrorist resources. Granted, five or ten splattered Hadjis may not sound like a big loss, but that constant trickle of corpses adds up. Coddling Allah's Islamic Radicals (CAIR) estimates that over 100,000 terrorists have been lost since 9/11, and their remaining numbers keep spiraling downward.

I find this repugnant.

A species is a species and endangered is endangered. Sure, terrorists lack the grandeur of the elephant or the cuddly, photogenic appeal of a Panda bear. And yes, they smell bad, oppress women, and plot the global genocide of all non-Muslims. Hey, they can't ALL be baby Harp Seals! But if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can't it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children? At least it's a MAMMAL for cryin' out loud!

The fact is, if we don't stop the insane slaughter of our dangerously fanatical - yet charmingly quirky - Muslim brethren, soon there won't be a single terrorist left alive on earth! I can't imagine the shame of trying to explain to my grandchildren that - because I did nothing - he can only see filthy, butchering Jihadists in picture books or Guantanamo.

Well, if HSUS is going to drop the ball on this one, *I* certainly won't! It's time to get organized! Call your congressman! Call the President! Speak out in whatever forum is available to you! Worst case, start one of web-blob thingies! If you're a hot chick, post naked pictures of yourself on your MySpace page in protest. Or just send them directly to me. Whichever. It doesn't matter, as long as you make your voice heard!

If we don't do something now, there will soon come a day when crazed Islamofascists are just a faded memory, never again to grace our planet with their murderous majesty.

And I can't think of anything more tragic.

Can you?

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Red Lobster: Genocidal Hate Criminals" and "Nude Photography for Righteously Indignant Hot Chicks".

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I will whisper you words of love, I will shout love with my actions, and through it all, I will kiss you, kiss you, kiss you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(rubber stamp: Mockingbird Hill 'The Alternative' HWY 115 & 60)]

Just down the road from the old Munster place.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

STAR TREK (ORIGINAL SERIES) TRIVIA QUESTION

I don't know the answer to this one, which is why I'm asking:

In the episode "Catspaw", there's a black cat.

In the episode "Assignment: Earth", there's also a black cat.

Is it the same cat?

Fun Facts About John Edwards

(semi-cross-posted from IMAO)

In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said:

Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank's Fred Thompson fact!

Which is harder than it sounds

Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen

Sadly, this concept doesn't work in reverse.

When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes... well, NOTHING happen, it's just not as entertaining.

Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards:

* In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen's mirror answered "John Edwards".

* The reason John Edwards' haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.

* John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn't have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.

* John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.

* John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x's and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent's self-esteem.

* John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.

* John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.

* If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.

* A single drop of John Edwards' blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.

* During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.

* When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it's anatomically correct.

* The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it's the overflow from John Edwards' absence of manhood.

* The #1 Google return for a search for "John Edwards"? The Stayfree home page.

* John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.

* John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.

* John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.

* All his papers are signed "Mister John Edwards" so that he can dot the "i" with a heart.

* Teddy bears can't sleep at night unless they're cuddling John Edwards.

* Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Every time I look at a woman on a magazine cover, my mind boggles at the notion that they settled for such an inferior specimen when they could've had you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[83]

Answer to the ultimate question of life, the universe, and "What is the average number of factual errors in a typical New York Times article?"

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

NOPE, HAVEN'T LEARNED YET - UPDATED 2PM

Martial arts enthusiast Hapkido of Crunch Time foolishly announced that he's going on vacation until Wednesday.

Since he'll be in Texas, maybe we should decorate the place with some sort of cowboy theme?

Pitch in, if you've a mind...

NOTE: comment moderation is enabled, so we'll have to fly blind for a bit...

UPDATE 2pm - comment moderation is off - go for it.

Sexual Harrassment Must Run in the Family

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Would someone please nudge Hillary & tell her that Spielberg's eyes are about three feet higher than where she's looking?

IT'S ALMOST ENOUGH TO MAKE ME GIVE UP MY PARROT & EYEPATCH

Saw Pirates of the Carribean: At World's End last night, and want to make three observations:

1) I COMPLETELY understand this comic strip review of the movie now.

2) Despite being a scurvy and notorious pirate who has been either dead or at sea for the last 20 years, Jack Sparrow has clean, white teeth.

3) No matter what she did, where she went, or what was happening around her, Elizabeth Swann never, ever, EVER got so much as one tiny smudge of dirt on her perfectly made-up face.

EVER.

Side note: re-watch Pirates 2 before you see this. They don't re-cap at all, and throughout the entire movie, they never explain a plot point more than once. And it doesn't help that half of those plot points are mumbled in impenetrably thick accents.

Pay attention.

Oh, and have a penis. Otherwise you'll fall asleep during the final CGI-packed fight sequence.

Star Trek and the Holy Grail

If you like the original Trek and Monty Python, you'll love this:

[Hat tip: bloggranddaughter VW Bug of One Happy Dog Speaks]

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When I fell in love with you, I thought you were my ideal woman. But somehow you've taken my ideal and perfected it beyond my imagination. Bless you for knowing what I wanted even better than I did myself.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[St Jude pray for us]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Rejected Beatles Lyrics Dollars". Coming soon: "Lucy in the sky on acid", and "All you need is love and a sturdy condom".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

DRINK FOUR SIX-PACKS TO CELEBRATE? BRILLIANT! - UPDATED 1PM

Today is Matty O'Blackfive's 4th blogiversary, and I *was* going embarrass him by pointing out how lame his site used to be back in the day.

Unfortunately, he let his original Blogger domain go, and some one-post wonder scooped it up.

However, nothing on the internet ever really dies, so - thanks to the Internet Wayback Machine, here's a cached version of Matty's crappy Blogspot site.

Oh, and for those of you who've never believed me when I said Matt drinks his beers six at a time, here's a photo of him at a recent blogmeet:

Also, a few fun facts about the Paratrooper of Love:

* It wasn't St. Patrick that banished the snakes from Ireland. A snake once knocked over Matty's beer and he murdered the lot of them in retaliation.

* After his morning round of St. Patty's day green beer, Matty takes a leak in the Chicago River, thus turning it green for the rest of the day.

* Does Matty support the troops? Like an armor-plated jockstrap.

* Or a kevlar Wonderbra, if you're talkin' about the ladies.

* 25 years ago, Matty entered his first drinking contest. He didn't "win", because - technically - he's still playing.

Happy Blogiversary, Matt.

UPDATE 1PM: Matty does a little reminiscing about where he's been and what he's accomplished.

America's 2007 Corn Crop a "Failure", Top Democrats Tell Bush

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - Top US congressional Democrats bluntly told President George W. Bush Wednesday that American farmers' spring planting "surge" policy was a failure.

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid and House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi challenged the president over this year's corn crop by sending him a letter, ahead of a White House meeting later on Wednesday.

"As many had forseen [sic], the springtime planting of seed corn has failed to produce the intended results," the two leaders wrote.

"The increase in seeds in the ground has yet to produce a single edible ear of corn so far this year.

"This corn is a dismal failure. It's time to pull it out."

"Far from fulfilling its promise of putting steaming, buttery ears on every table, this crazy planting scheme has done nothing so far but cost this country's farmers most of last year's profits, as well as causing them to spend all their time coddling these high-maintenance vegetables.

"Clearing the land, plowing, weeding, fertilizing, irrigating, spreading pesticides and herbicides - not to mention the over 1000 farmers that have lost their lives in unnecessary tractor deaths so far this year - when will the madness end?

"And what do we have to show for it? It's already mid-June and not a single plant has borne fruit. In fact, if these trends continue, it's safe to predict a nation-wide corn famine that will bring this country to its knees."

The letter appeared to preview a fresh showdown over how to raise corn between ignorantly citified Democrats and the President, just a few weeks after Bush forced his foes to strip pre-autumn harvest timelines from a Department of Agriculture budget bill.

Pelosi and Reid told Bush in the letter that they planned to send him new legislation to "limit the attempted growth of corn in the US, begin the phased redeployment of US farmland, and bring the growing season to a responsible end."

The next critical point in the showdown between Bush and Congress over the 2007 corn crop is expected in September, when US Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns is due to report on progress in the strategy to let the corn grow until at least October before attempting to harvest it.

However, one senior Republican speaking on condition of anonymity said he expected the president will have little choice but to make adjustments in the harvest schedule, once the report is made public.

"I know Bush means well," he said, "but let's be realistic. Since the spring planting 'surge' began, not one single corn farmer has grown anything but leaves."

"I can't see how another four or five months of continuing to follow this failed policy will lead to anything but more of the same," he concluded.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When I look at you, I am stunned - as always - by how unchangingly beautiful you are. I can't move, or breathe, or think. I can only gaze reverently and vow to cherish you all the more, as I bless my good fortune at being the man you've chosen.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[1992 2810 2087]

[After choosing the $200 answer under the category "Significant Numbers" on Jeopardy]

"What are 'the number of tears cried by Nancy Pelosi, Harry Reid, and Ted Kennedy, respectively, over not being able to get a deadline for pulling out of Iraq?'"

[Hat tip to bloggranddaughter Sarah The Penguin of Because We Have Thumbs for finding this one for me]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

IT KEEPS GOING AND GOING AND...

Stealing this picture from John of Argghhh! because it's just damn cool - changes in the US Army uniform & weapons since the Revolution

Awe-inspiring to think this nation's made it this far.

I think that qualifies us as one of the oldest continuously-operated governments on Earth at this point. Most others have collapsed and had to re-form during that time.

Anyone know if there are any other pre-1776 governments left on the planet?

It All Makes Sense Now

(cross-posted from IMAO)

John Edwards has accused the Republican candidates of being too hawkish, saying he thinks "they want to be George Bush on steroids".

Personally, I think Edwards is Bush on steroids.

Which would explain the testicular shrinkage.

I DON'T KNOW... I KINDA LIKE IT

Shamus of Twenty Sided, and Steven of Chizumatic are both discussing how miserably annoying it is to get nitpicky comments about a post. The kind of off-topic one-upsmanship remarks that have nothing to do with what a post is about, but rather make hay from an irrelevant point. As Robert of Creative Destruction describes it:

Example of useful nitpickery: if the actual author of the linked post was Frank Johnson [and not Shamus Young], correcting my error would be material; non-useful nitpickery would be pointing out that nitpickery isn’t a word.

I've never been popular enough at Bad Example to get nitpickers in annoying quanitities.

However, I've gotten them on occasion at IMAO.

Mostly I just ignore it. I've got other things to do. And when that happens, I discover that other commenters tend to jump in and browbeat the nitpickers for me. I just sit back & watch the fun.

Nevertheless, I try not to take nitpickers personally. Part of the reason for nitpicking is that when you're reading a blog, there's an urge to make some sort of contact with the author. To let them know that you've read the post and are thinking about it. A nitpick is the quickest, easiest response outside of :-D or LOL!

Also, as a commenter - especially on a post that already has a lot of other comments - you want to say something that no one else already has. Nitpicks have this characteristic.

So what I'm saying is that - a lot of times - nitpickers are just trying to be friendly.

However, I'm NOT saying that Shamus & Steven are wrong for feeling annoyed. I mean, a big slobbery dog is also "just trying to be friendly" when he licks you, but that doesn't mean you have to pretend that you LIKE getting a faceful of warm dogspit just because he "means well". Bopping him with a rolled up newspaper (or deleting his comment, to apply the analogy) is a perfectly good response, too.

Then again, it's easy for me to be laid back about it. I mostly write goofy posts & try to make people laugh. You kind of expect a hefty dose of smart-assery in reply. If I were trying to write something thoughtful or serious every day, I'd probably get sick of people who leave 10 paragraph comments that miss the point, too.

Meanwhile, until that time comes, feel free to nitpick all you want on my posts. I won't delete you.

Although I *do* reserve the right to mock, demean, belittle, or impugn you, your ancestors, or your primary and/or secondary sexual characteristics at my discretion.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You know that blissful, contented feeling of having someone scratch that impossible-to-reach itchy spot between your shoulders? That's how you make me feel all the time.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[St. Lazurus! Anyone who receives this will win a lot of money if they re-write this on 10 bills]

Hmmm... wonder what would happen if I wrote this on 10 boobies?

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

OK, SO NOW YOU KNOW HOW NOT TO KISS *HER*

Kevin of Wizbang points to a post by Cassy of Cassy Fiano who complains that men don't know how to kiss and she lists several osculatory annoyances.

The problem I have with the list, though, is that I'm horrified at the thought of someone reading it and then crossing all those techniques off their list for the rest of their lives, never to try them again because they're "bad".

Apparently Cassy thinks they're bad. And some of her friends agree. But I can guarantee you that there ARE other women out there who find excessive saliva and intrusive tongue action to be pleasureable.

Fact is, one person's "EWWW!" is another person's "OHHH!". There aren't any universals, just individual preferences, and making assumptions based on one woman's opinions just might wind up costing you.

My point is that if you're not sure how your partner likes to be kissed, just ask. If she's not comfortable talking about it, ask her to SHOW you how she likes to be kissed. You might be surprised to find her doing something from the "forbidden" list.

Or maybe not.

Just be aware that it's better to get advice on intimate topics from your partner than from some stranger on the internet.

Which, I suppose, would technically include THIS post, but I'm not a stranger, I'm a friend. Just trust me on this one. Try talking. Communication is sexy.

Fred Thompson "On Board" With Edwards' "Marshall Corps"

(Cross-posted from IMAO)

RICHMOND (AP) - In response to John Edwards' plan to "create a 'Marshall Corps' modelled on the military Reserves, of up to 10,000 expert professionals who will help stabilize weak societies," presidential candidate-in-waiting Fred Thompson released a statement saying that he's "on board" with Edwards' vision.

Excited by the possibilities of the program, former Senator Thompson said that he'd like see the concept taken to the next level as soon as possible. The full statement was posted at the politician-turned-actor-turning-politician's blog, as follows:

"'Expanded' Marshall Corp volunteers reach out to at-risk Muslims"

"I am completely on board with John Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' idea of sending bankers, political scientists, and civil engineers into unstable countries to prevent terrorism from taking root. However, I don't think it goes far enough. It should be open to members of ALL civilian occupations, not just a few."

"Here's how I picture it - after joining, the courageous volunteers would shave their heads, spend a few months receiving combat & weapons training, then be deployed to unstable countries to reach out to those who are at risk of seduction by violent extremism. For maximum effectiveness, this reaching out should be done mostly with bullets, grenades, rockets, and other high-velocity/high-explosive projectiles."

"I would call this expanded version of Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' the 'Massively Armed Response to Islamic Nutjob Extremists' or 'MARINE' Corps."

"If this program proved successful - which I have no doubt that it would - it could be augmented with:

    * An off-shore outreach program: Nautical Assaults from Vengeful Yankees

    * A complementary land-based group: Annihilating Radical Muslims - Yippee!

    * And even a 'friendly skies' organization: Attacking Islamic Radicals by Firing Ordnance and Repeatedly Causing Extermination"

"I can guarantee that if these programs are implemented as I've discussed, the Western ideals of peace, democracy, and civilization will be joyously embraced throughout the world."

"And if they aren't... well, then let's just say there's plenty more outreach where that came from."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In the strictest, literal sense, it is true that my love for you is not "infinite". However, it is also true that my love for you has no boundaries, borders, or limits of which I am aware.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[GAY MONEY]

That's money I set aside specifically for renting Tom Cruise movies.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

ABOUT FUCKING TIME

And yes, that title is uncensored because long-lost blogson _Jon of We Swear (update your bookmarks) is back on line, and it just seemed appropriate.

Let's see...

Sucky first post - yup

Sucky second post that doesn't contain a single profanity - yup

Come on, _Jon, crank it up a notch.

And don't forget to hit the swear jar afterwards.

Enunciating Sunbats of the Iraqiwood Right

(cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the annoyance caused by the barking moonbats of the Hollywood left protesting the war (or even worse - doing their version of "supporting the troops"), I sometimes wonder if the terrorists have this problem.

I have this mental image of freshly-bathed, cleanly-shaven men dressed in business suits & shiny shoes, carrying neatly-lettered signs while standing out of the way of both automobile and pedestrian traffic. I can just imagine what slogans they would use to undermine terrorist morale...

* No blood for Sharia!

* We support our terrorists when they blow up their Imams!

* War is unhealthy for children and other living things that the Prophet Mohammed had sex with!

* Bush is a terrorist - and much better at it than you!

* What if they held a war and nobody came? The insurgency STILL wouldn't stand a chance, that's what!

* Cowardly tools of Iran! Why are you licking Ahmadinejad's boots? Tastes great, or less filling?

* Suicide bombing is stupid! Americans can make munitions faster than we can make babies!

* The insurgency's plan:
1) Set off IED's
2) ????
3) Caliphate!

* America sees more from a satellite than Allah can protect from Heaven!

* Peace now!
Stop the war!
Buy some whiskey!
And a whore!
I really hope the US wins,
'cause they let me have my sins!

* Better to live in Guantanamo than die in an airstrike!

* Either learn to say "I surrender!" in English or "I've been hit!" in Arabic!

* Car-bombing citizens to win popular support is like screwing for virginity!

* Iraq today: Bush's Vietnam
Iraq tomorrow: Bush's Hiroshima

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your love is an artist's hands, carving statuesque romance out of my heart's otherwise cold marble.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Did you know... This dollar as well as all others now days is not backed up by any silver or gold! This dollar exists because people believe in its validity. Do I see another depression in the future!?! Beware American $$$, invest in European $ or gold & silver]

Eh. I'm just going to invest in Nigerians.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BUSTED DOWN TO THE MINORS

Saw this on Wikipedia, regarding Fred Thompson's non-Hodgkin's lymphoma:

Thompson's cancer, though currently incurable, is reportedly indolent, the lowest of three grades of NHL

I didn't know Fred played hockey.

Popemobile Upgrades

(cross-posted from IMAO)

After a recent frightening incident wherein a deranged German man grabbed the back of the Popemobile, Vatican police officials plan to have the vehicle modified to provide greater protection for His Holiness.

In additioin to extra security features, the new Popemobile will also be provided with an array of other upgrades:

* Hands-free Popephone for use when Commissioner Gordon lights the Popesignal.

* New PA system will include "beatbox" setting.

* Feral Australian Kid to retrieve dropped shotgun shells.

* Can now transform into Popetimus Prime.

* Air conditioned glove compartment to keep spare Pope hat refreshingly cool.

* The big car makers are trying to keep this a secret, but it gets 100 mpg and runs on holy water!

* GPS system pre-programmed with locations of all the best pizza joints.

* Red Bull & Vodka - pre-mixed & on tap!

* SCMODS

* "This ride pimped by God" bumper sticker.

* Rebel-flag roof & "Dixie" horn.

* Won't start? No problem! It's got drop-down "Flintstone Floorboards" for emergency take-offs.

* "BNDCT16" vanity plates.

* Engine timing precision-adjusted to make "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang" sounds.

* Brass Bumpernuts

* Silver naked chick mud flaps.

* Rear window sticker of Calvin peeing on a mosque.

I'm thinking it might be worth it.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Sometimes at night I think I can almost hear the anguished, despairing wails of all the men who aren't lucky enough to be loved by you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: Cryn' Ryan (6x))]

Least manly thing in the world?

A weeping hockey player.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

DailyGames.com

(A paid review)

Via ReviewMe.com, I've been asked to review the site/services offered by DailyGames.com

Topics addressed in this review:
WHAT THEY DO
WHO THEY ARE
HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?
IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?
HANDY FEATURES
CAVEATS
IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE
WOULD I USE DAILYGAMES.COM?
CONCLUSION

WHAT THEY DO

DailyGames.com is a website that hosts over 3000 Flash, Shockwave, and Java games that can be played in your web browser.

WHO THEY ARE

From what I could dig up, it's an English-language offshoot of the Spanish game site JuegosDiarios.com. The site is registered from Spain, and its archives stretch back to 2002 (well, the very first game is dated 2002, but the next earliest date listed is 2004).

HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?

Essentially non-existent on the web. The only significant reference I found was a single ReviewMe.com-paid review (which was positive) that was posted on three different sites.

On the bright side, McAfee Site Advisor said "We tested this site and didn't find any significant problems", so you're not likely to pick up any adware, spyware, or malware from Dailygames.com. My own experiment with running Spybot before and after visiting the site seems to confirm this.

IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?

Quite.

First, unlike a lot of game sites, the layout is clean, orderly, and not befouled by dozens of annoying, blinking ads. The few ads on the page are from Google, and are contextually relevant. They're usually plain text, although there are occasional animated ones.

The search feature - which is prominently displayed above the fold - searches both title and description, giving you a better shot at finding what you're looking for.

All games posted in the last month were functional. I found a few broken ones while randomly poking around in the archives, but they seem to be few and far between. Even links from the very first page of the archives were all functional.

All game links open in a new window, and again, the new page only features the Google ads - usually text.

The main page has links to the three applications (Flash, Shockwave, and Java) that you might need to play the games, which is a convenience.

If you're using Internet Explorer, the game window is resizable. Sadly, this feature is currently unavailable in Firefox.

HANDY FEATURES

One of the best features on the site is the ability to add games to your "favorites list" (see right sidebar, above the fold) with a single click. Removing them is an equally convenient single click away.

The Top Games Section (above the fold, right sidebar) gives you the ability to have the top 15 and top 100 games listed by either player ratings or frequency of being played.

Games are listed in reverse-chronological order on the main page, with the newest ones on top. And when they say, "new games added daily", that's exactly true. I checked the last 30 days, and it's been pretty much three new games every day, with rare, sporadic bouts of two or four. Random archive spot checks show the same pattern.

If you're interested in adding links to the site's latest games in your sidebar, there's a page that gives you the code to do so. The image size, number of links, text color, and background color are all customizable, so it can be made to match any decor:

[full disclosure - scrollbars aren't customizable in the form. I had to do a simple code-tweak for that, i.e. set scrolling to "yes".]

They have a large and descriptive category listing, which should pretty much be all you need to figure out where to start browsing:

2 players
Ability
Action
Adventures
Animations
Bloody
Board games
Cards
Cars
Classics
Fight
Football
For girls
Infantile
Logic
Multiplayer
Platforms
Puzzle
Shooting
Sports
Starships
Strategy
War

Finally, in the rare event that a game doesn't work, you can click the handy link at the bottom of the main page and notify the webmaster. I did that Tuesday evening (June 12th), for the game Terminate (which worked for me in IE, but not Firefox) but haven't heard back yet. I'll update if/when I do.

CAVEATS

Games aren't always in English (for example, Operation Tomato is in Spanish; Red Fighter is in Japanese) but they're usually intuitive enough to play anyway.

Speaking of language issues, the game descriptions are obviously written by someone for whom English is a second language, as they are lightly sprinkled with typos and grammatical near-misses. Depending on how healthy your sense of humor is, this can be either slightly annoying or ironically hip & amusing, in an Lolcats kinda way. For example, this description of Othello:

Board game very ressembling to the ladies in which it wins the one that has more crads from the same color over its board.

However, this is merely a translation issue. The site is otherwise competently run, neatly organized, and well-designed.

IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE

There are no major usability or functionality issues with DailyGames.com. There's nothing about the site that would drive me away.

However, if the webmaster would like to polish this gem, I can suggest the following:

* At the bottom of the individual game pages, the phrase "¿Do you like DailyGames?" does not need to be prepended with an upside down question mark.

* On the individual game pages, in the box that pops up from clicking the "Recommend game" link, the "You forgot your password?" link opens up a dialog box that's in Spanish, not English.

* Consider adding a game window zoom control button that will return the window to it's original size. Also, it would be to your advantage to make the zoom controls functional in Firefox, as the browser is rapidly gaining in popularity.

* At the bottom of the main page, add a link that will either take the visitor back to the top of the page, or to the DailyGames.com home page. I know that DailyGames.com is linked at the bottom with "online games", but that's not obvious to the casual user.

* Make the top banner on the main page clickable, and linked to the home page. It'd be handy to be able to get back to the home page easily after multiple sessions of browsing categories or search terms.

* Consider having a full, alphabetical, linked listing of all games at the bottom of the front page, under everything else. Your competitor, OnlineGames.net, does it and it looks pretty handy. I also like that they list the number of games that are included in each category - something else you might want to try.

* Offer an opt-in mailing list for people who would like to be notified as to what new games have been posted.

* Currently, only the 11 most recent games are listed on the home page. Consider bumping this number up to 21 so that those who only browse on weekends don't have to click around to see what they missed. Remember, the more games you list on one page, the easier it is for visitors to find something they like and click on it.

* Include the "There is a Game that doesn’t work!" link on each individual game page. The easier that link is to find, the better chance you have of having your visitors help you keep all your links functional.

* Make obvious knock-off games easier to find with the site's search feature by including the similar and more popular game name in the description. For example, use the phrase "like Othello" in the description for the game 3-D Reversi.

* Consider adding a PayPal or Amazon donations box. Folks who find a great game at your site might be grateful enough to supplement your ad income. Doesn't hurt to ask.

* Host a discussion board for players to discuss strategy, hints, and tips.

WOULD I USE DAILYGAMES.COM?

Not only yes, but HELL yes!

They have a great selection of fun little time-wasters for those moments when I just don't feel like doing what I'm supposed to. For example:

Spaced Penguin - launch a penguin through space into his spaceship, taking changing gravity into account.

Pac-Xon - sorta like Qix.

Last Stand - kill zombies!

Electrocity - a PC, enviro-nut version of Sim City. Personally, I like to maximize pollution levels and scare all the hippies away.

Power pong - realistic-ish 3-D ping-pong game.

New Blackjack - pays 3 to 1 on Blackjack - Woo-hoo!

Clean your ass - an animation showing how to do the job in Sheryl Crow's "one square world" (warning, animation contains explicit cartoon poo)

The Hanged One - play Hangman while being heckled by a smart-ass Kangaroo.

Anyway, that's enough for starters. Best way to find more is click your favorite game category & just start browsing.

CONCLUSION

DailyGames.com is an excellent source of online games and a perfect way to waste otherwise unproductive time either at work or at home. Updated daily, so visit on a regular basis.

Definitely worth bookmarking.

RIGHTOSPHERE TEMPERATURE CHECK - LONG VERSION

John Hawkins of Right Wing News polled a bunch of right wing bloggers (including me) on various issues and has posted the not-too-surprising results. Here's the explanations for my choices:

1) Are you pleased that the Senate immigration bill did not pass?
Yes - The only immigration bill we need is a big-ass fence and a removal of perks for non-citizens.

2) Do you think Mel Martinez has been an effective RNC chairman?
No - Democrats don't wet themselves in fear at the mention of his name.

3) Do you believe that we should be willing to use the US military to stop the fighting in Sudan?
No - Not unless they have strategic resources like oil, or if it would be helpful to establish military bases there to prosecute the War on Terror.

4) Do you think that the Bush administration or CIA knew that 9/11 was coming and deliberately did nothing to stop it or alternately, helped execute the 9/11 attacks?
No - I've never seen any evidence to support either theory.

5) Do you believe that President Bush intends to merge the United States with Canada and Mexico in order to form a North American Union?
No - If anything, we're going in the opposite direction, since they're imposing passport requirements to visit those countries. Although personally, I wouldn't mind inviting Canada to become States 51-60. They're civilized and technologically advanced enough to fit in fairly well plus they speak English.

6) How would you rate the relationship of the Republican party with its conservative base right now?
Poor - Where's my tax cuts? Where's my cheap, stolen oil? Where's my piles of dead terrorists?

7) Which 2008 Republican presidential candidate do you think is most likely to win the Republican nomination. So, this is not your favorite candidate, it's the candidate you think will come out on top.
Rudy Giuliani - Not who I want to win, but pending any dirt or disgrace, he seems pretty solid. I currently have no reason to believe that Fred Thompson will overtake him, but then again, Fred hasn't officially announced, yet, so this may change.

POSSIBLE HATE CRIME

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Instapundit says that white roofs are better at saving energy.

Isn't he being a little racist?

Paris Hilton - Still Paris, Only More So

(cross-posted from IMAO)

HuffPo's Jennifer Kushell has written one of those quaint, bleeding-heart wish-pieces titled "Ten Good Things Paris Hilton Can Do In Prison".

How cute.

Sadly, though, we all know Paris isn't going to change, so I think it'd be more appropriate to speculate on the

TEN STUPID THINGS PARIS HILTON WILL DO AFTER SHE GETS OUT OF PRISON

1) Put her newly-perfected shank-wielding skills to good use during a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan.

2) Lose a fortune trying to sell her new line of designer orange jumpsuits.

3) Adopt a baby with her new "special friend" Joquanda "Fisty" Jackson.

4) Start bragging about the tunnel she made behind the Raquel Welch poster in her cell.

5) Get kicked out of Victoria's Secret for trying to pay for her purchases with cigarettes.

6) Embarrass herself at the Cabana Club by continually yelling "Shakin' the bush, boss!" from the ladies' room.

7) Launch a new perfume called "Cavity Search".

8) Get matching "P-A-R-I-S" tattooed across fingers of her right hand.

9) Reject slave name and finish process of legally becoming "Paris X".

10) Realize how many doors have become closed to her as an ex-con, say "screw it", and embark on a multi-state armed robbery spree that ends with her getting taken down in a hail of bullets on national TV.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The air I breathe is always sweeter when you're in the room breathing it with me.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[I owe GWC - and I strayed]

From "Great Moments in Black History", p79:

"George Washington Carver ran a tightly disciplined cattle ranch. Every cow that wandered away from the herd was required to pay a $1 fine and admit his guilt before being allowed back in the corral."

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

LAPTOP VS DESKTOP

Blogson-in-law Alex of Alex in Wonderland contemplates differences between laptops & desktops and asks:

So if you had a choice to use one or the other what would you decide?

If I had to choose, it'd be a desktop.

A lot of it is the keyboard. I like having the numberpad. Plus laptop keyboards just feel cramped & awkward. Part of that is that your wrists are on the same level as the keys.

Outside of that bit of personal preference, I think the small screen and the short-ish battery life are limitations that will never really be overcome.

Leaving aside, of course, the science-fictionish possibility of batteries that last for days and "screens" that project themselves in the air above the keyboard. That might make me change my tune.

Tuberculosis FAQ

(cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the slipshod, panicky press coverage about the Andrew Speaker's disease-riddled world travelling, there's been a lot of conflicting stories about what the health threat actually is & why you should care.

As a public service, I present the following:

Q. What is tuberculosis?
A. Tuberculosis or "TB" is a respiratory illness caused by a bacterium. It was originally developed by a now-defunct covert agency operating within the Polk administration in the late 1840's as a means of combatting the increasing threat from the Irish Menace.

Q. I thought TB had been eradicated?
A. Almost. Turns out the disease was susceptible to antibiotics and was nearly wiped out in the 1950's. This allowed the Irish Menace to return in the form of Kennedys, nearly destroying America.

Q. Why was TB not eradicated?
A. Because it's still useful. The Bush administration's top scientists developed a new strain of TB that can be used to combat the rising threat from the Mexican Menace. Current plans are to pave all Home Depot parking lots with it if Bush can't pass an Amnesty Immigration Bill to solve the problem.

Q. Can TB really help combat the Mexican Menace?
A. According to testing on illegal immigrants through the INS's "Catch (TB) & Release" program - Yes!

Q. What are the symptoms of TB?
A. Persistent cough, unexplained weight loss, fever, tiredness, and being a filthy little border-jumper.

Q. But Andrew Speaker was white! How did HE get TB?
A. Must have been the Irish strain. Unfortunately, this type is strongly drug-resistant, since Kennedys frequently overuse antibiotics to cure... um... other things.

Q. Should I get tested for TB?
A. Only if you hang out with coughing, skinny, sweaty, lazy brown people. Or Kennedys.

Q. How is TB diagnosed?
A. The only way to tell for sure is to get a chest x-ray, but I think "House" did an episode on it once. Watch that, and if your symptoms match the whiteboard, you've got TB.

Q. Why are poor people more vulnerable to TB?
A. Because poverty is a sign of moral weakness and God is punishing them.

Q. I'm not poor, Mexican, or Irish, but I have TB. Why?
A. Because God hates personal injury lawyers too, Mr. Edwards.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In a way, I almost dread hearing you say "I love you", because I know that I may have to wait dozens or even hundreds of seconds before I hear you say it again.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: McVoid)]

From "American McHistory: the 45th President", page 10:

In 2012, America elected Ronald McDonald president - partly to wash the bad taste of Hillary Clinton out of their figurative mouths, partly to punish the Republicans for running John McCain AGAIN.

Although no one expected much from his presidency, he surprised everyone with the shrewd wisdom of his policies - the most remarkable of which was the way he brought heretofore unknown levels of prosperity to the country by completely devaluing the dollar and making McDonald's gift certificates the new American currency.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Star Trek Question

Who was a bigger man-slut: Kirk or Riker?

Obama Warns of "Quiet Riot" Among Blacks

(cross-posted from IMAO)

HAMPTON, Va. (AP) -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said Tuesday that the Bush administration has done nothing to defuse a "Quiet Riot" among blacks that threatens to erupt just as riots in Los Angeles did 15 years ago.

The first-term Illinois senator said that with black people from New Orleans and the Gulf Coast still displaced 20 months after Hurricane Katrina, frustration and resentments are building explosively as they did before the 1992 riots, prompting Obama to give the following fiery speech:

"Those 'Quiet Riots' that take place every day are born from the same place as the destruction in New Orleans. We look around that once-fair city and see the rusted-out hulks of cars everywhere. The 'Metal Health' of New Orleans is in a sorry state. We are tempted to abandon you, New Orleans, yet we 'Don't Wanna Let You Go'."

"We love that city, but thanks to Bush's neglect, we've discovered that 'Love's a Bitch'. We are left 'Breathless' with sorrow, anger, and frustration at the unfairness of it all. Bush does nothing but drive through in his 'Slick Black Cadillac' for a cheap political photo-op with the downtrodden residents. People with no jobs, no homes, and nothing to comfort them except maybe a cheap bottle of 'Thunderbird'. People who had to 'Run for Cover' when Katrina made the city a 'Danger Zone'. And Bush did nothing for us. He ignored us because we remained silent."

"But no more! We must scream and shout and pound out our anger so that the very earth itself trembles, and we can say to Bush all the way in Washington, 'Cum On Feel the Noize'! We must rise up as one and become a veritable 'Battle Axe' of protest! The time for calm discussion has passed. Let's get our message out by any means necessary! 'Let's Get Crazy'!"

"This is your last chance, President Bush. We'd prefer peaceable means, but if we have to 'Bang Your Head', we will."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

With you, I'm surrounded by more warm, fuzzy love than a kid at a petting zoo with a handful of peanuts.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)