JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* It's not that John Edwards *isn't* afraid of the dark, it's just that he's even MORE afraid of night lights.

* John Edwards ninja-like dexterity allows him to knit, crochet, and needlepoint simultaneously.

* John Edwards envies the way Rosie O'Donnell simply oozes machismo.

* John Edwards does not fear the Mafia, because he knows that if they ever put a hit out on him, he can just cry his way out of it.

* John Edwards once tried to take candy from a baby. He spent the next month wearing oversized sunglasses and telling people he "walked into a door".

* During a recent bike ride with Lance Armstrong, John Edwards said, "the biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?".

Man, if I had a nickel for every time he's said that...

[Hat tip to Shimauma of Moonbunny's Comics for the link]

Bonus fact from Frank J.:
At Democratic debates, John Edwards always complains about Hillary leaving the toilet seat up.

Bonus fact via American Digest and Esquire magazine, John Edwards is:

Fabulous Fact Bonus Reader Challenge:
John Edwards - ballet... make the connection in the comments.

Democrat Calls Republicans "Jihadists", Muslims Offended

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - During remarks about how Republicans may cause a government shutdown by sustaining President Bush's vetoes of Democrat-sponsored spending bills, John W. Olver, (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Transportation-HUD Appropriations Subcommittee, referred to Republicans as "Jihadists". Muslim groups responded with outrage at the comparison.

Muslims thrilled at having something new to bitch about.

"Jihadists are noble warriors in a just cause," said CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper, "while Republicans are nothing but money-grubbing, Jew-loving kafirs! Well, maybe not Jew-loving, since no on ACTUALLY loves the Jews, but they're unquestionably Jew-likers, and that's bad enough."

"When Allah's faithful seek to fund a war," Hooper continued, "they don't snivel over 'spending bills'. They just hit up their oil-rich neighbors for some greenbacks. If the Republicans were true Jihadists, they'd be getting money from Saudi Arabia or Halliburton."

Republicans were also quick to take umbrage at the name-calling.

"I can't believe," said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, "that jackass Olver had the gall to compare us to murderous thugs who kill people with explosive vests. We're Republicans, for crying out loud! We'd use guns."

Responding to the controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a rare public apology of behalf of the Democratic Party.

"I regret that Congressman Olver's remarks may have been misinterpreted. The Democratic Party has nothing but admiration and respect for ALL races, creeds, and explosive preferences. We mean no insult to the loving and peaceful religion of Islam or its courageous and holy soldiers."

"After all," she continued, "we're both on the same side in this war. We're both committed to the goal of removing American troops from Iraq as soon as possible. No sense in bickering over a little thing like whether 'dead' or 'alive' would be preferable."

"Now that I've offered this humble apology on behalf of the Democratic Party," concluded Pelosi, "I hope the brave and honorable Muslim warriors of the world will seriously consider killing us last."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In loving each other, there are no locked doors to hold us back because together we create the key to realizing all our dreams.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Ezekiel Reeves stars in "The Matrix: Re-Amished".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Chee-had!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently, the Transportation Security Administration announced that a cell phone charger taped to a block of cheese was found at an airport in someone's checked bag.

As a result of this discovery, the TSA has issued a warning to be on the lookout for suspicious combinations of food and non-food-related devices. Here's a partial list of things to become alarmed about:

Victim of cheese-related terror.

* iPhone stuffed in a haggis.

* Fig Newtons in a Van De Graaff generator

* Palm Pilot perched upon a pepperoni pineapple pizza.

* Giant pumpkin concealing a Borg Queen

* Hungry Man frozen dinner with a Hemi

* Universal remote control covered in a suspicious - yet delicately flavored - saffron-honey glaze

* Bacon, lettuce, and Nintendo cartridge sandwich

* Wii controller tucked inside a Twinkie

* BlackBerry pie

* Blackened Cajun DVD player

* "Chunky" Peanut Butter that's actually creamy peanut butter with tiny diodes.

* Det cord and meatballs

THIS IS YOUR BRAIN ON DRUGS

I've long amused myself by giving my cats catnip, so I really appreciated the July 30th PVP comic strip.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

With you, there is no overlooking. Only looking over.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[RUSH LIMBAUGH iS A BiG FAT iDiOT]

Yet he still manages to beat Al Franken in both book sales and radio show ratings. I guess it's better to be an idiot than a talentless, lefty hack.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

LOOKS LIKE THE ANSWER IS YES

Apparently this hotel has free high-speed wireless.

I'm aiming for posting as usual, although probably later in the day.

MAYBE, MAYBE NOT

I'm going out of town this week. Posting will either be normal or non-existent, depending on whether I can find internet access.

Soccer Celebrations Provoke Insurgent Attacks in Iraq

(cross-posted from IMAO)

BAGHDAD (AP) - Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq's victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.

Iraqi soccer players succumb to drowsiness during a recent inaction-packed game.

Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, "soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says 'kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'"

"Even if it were not strictly forbidden," al-Muhajir continued, "the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn't also forbid ice."

Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq's soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. "Where is the hating? Where is the killing?" asked al-Muhajir incredulously. "Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This 'sport' is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah."

Congressional Democrats held a similar view. "The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Iraq's team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail 'just wait until next year' like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I'd hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate."

President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. "Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players' feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl's game."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Is my breathing noticeably faster? You must be nearby.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: PAID)]

Some of the "fiscal transparency" provisions of McCain-Feingold apply retroactively.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

THE BEST DEFENSE IS A FESTIVE OFFENCE

Did anyone else know that Silly String has military applications?

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Guessing your age is simple - you have the wisdom and self-confidence of a woman 10 years older, and the beauty of a woman 10 years younger. All I have to do is pick the number in the middle. But if anyone asks, I'll tell them your beauty-age.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Huh... somehow the Great Red Spot isn't as interesting as they made it sound on the Discovery Channel.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

MRSAT.COM - UPDATE

Well, I have to give MrSat.com SOME credit. He ditched the blink tags, the endless sound loop, the crappy tagline, and the lame pastel color scheme.

He also fixed the broken links in his "About" page, and added some links to his previously linkless essays.

On the downside, the crappy, unprofessional privacy policy still applies, the new color scheme looks like 1970's kitchen appliances, and his new tagline is "the satellitest place on earth".

Anyway, all he needs now is useful information and frequently updated content, and his site will finally be worth more than a puddle of warm spit.

AND YOU THOUGHT THEY ONLY MADE CHEAP VCRS

Japanese nose puppetry:

On the Bright Side - No Cubicles

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Why have dozens of Iraqis stopped working in low-level positions for Al Qaeda? Is it because they don't want their faces cut off with piano wire, or is there something more? After dilligent research, I've discovered there are actually a variety of reasons:

* Tired of asking customers, "you want IED's with that?".

* Insanely high co-pay for doctor visits involving bullet removal.

* Annoying woman at corner desk constantly ululating to herself.

* Sick of being reminded about the damn TPS report cover sheets.

* When hired, they were lied to about the 401(k) including a 73rd virgin.

* Every five minutes, have to stop working to shake sand out of the keyboard.

* Cards in Windows Solitaire not in Arabic.

* Soda machine constantly out of Mecca Cola.

* Only management is allowed to drive company camels.

* Stray goats keep wandering in off the street and eating the timecards.

* Have to provide own beheading knife.

* Not allowed to take a personal day to stand in line for new Harry Potter book.

* Office secretary no longer falling for the old "my 43rd wife doesn't understand me" line.

* Stray, timecard-eating goats protected by company sexual harrassment policy.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

It's inaccurate to say that you've won my heart, because that implies that you could somehow lose it - which is just plain foolishness.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(clockwise from bottom: "CHA-CHING" "I will tax you to death" "BUSH TAKING OVER FOR BIN LADEN" "Your life is worthless to me!" ("BUSH" and Satan horns on Lincoln's forehead) "Could you go kill for me? Oh and get me those oil fields while you're at it.")]

Proposed currency re-design from Michael Moore.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

CARFAX VS. AUTOCHECK

Has anyone ever used either Carfax or AutoCheck to check their vehicle history?

If so, was it worth it?

UPDATE: Or does Carfax just suck?

ACTUALLY, I DON'T KNOW OF ANY "PREVIEW" FEATURE THIS DOESN'T APPLY TO

Today's User Friendly tickled me to no end.

lolterizt! Part 8

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Samuel:

From Gordon:

From Chris:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

From Tyrant Rex:

From Erik Wit:

Two from Sir Andrew of GOPedia:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

THERE'S A REASON FOR THAT

At a recent Cindy Sheehan-led "impeach Bush" rally in Washington, DC, I noticed a news story picture showing the counter-protestors (sorry, didn't bookmark it & now I can't find it). There were only 5 in the picture & no one was holding an American flag, which I thought was odd.

However, I found a broader view of the same area on Flickr. Looks like there WERE a couple flags there.

I couldn't help noticing the caption:

Pictured above are some of the dozen or so Free Republic counter-protesters who buzzed ineffectually against the march from across the street.

And, as always, my response:

You know why there were only a dozen Bush supporters on the scene?

Because Bush supporters actually have jobs.(see top left picture)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Things I appreciate, from least to most important: ice cream, oxygen, you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: GUN OWNERS$)]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Things Barack Obama Won't Get Dollars". Coming soon: "An Endorsement From the Cato Institute" and "Elected President".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

America Can't Win the "War on Steam"
An Editorial by Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

During New York's Wednesday rush hour, a steam pipe exploded, killing one person and injuring 44.

Incidents such as this make it obvious that the only sensible course of action is to withdraw from America's insane War on Steam.

President Bush's Hitler-like scheme of rounding up steam and putting it in concentration camps - or "pipes", as he euphemistically calls them - is a dismal failure. It does nothing but anger the steam and cause it to lash out uncontrollably, as it did in New York, spewing a "dirty bomb" of carcinogenic asbestos into the air. We don't have to ask "why does steam hate us?". The answer is obvious - because America is a brutal, oppressive country with no rights, whose only goal is to prevent steam from living free.

The Bush Steam Doctrine of "contain, concentrate, condense" is absurd and unnecessary. When left unmolested, steam lives up to its name as "the vapor of peace", seeking only to be left alone to expand or contract inversely proportional to its pressure in accordance with the sacred texts of the Prophet Boyle.

It's only Bush's fascist policy of trying to maintain complete control over steam's movement that has brought this current horror upon us. To be truthful, we deserve it. Who are we to judge the rightness of wrongness of our moist and gaseous fellow-travelers on Spaceship Earth? Should we consider ourselves "superior" to warm, dissipated moisture?

Hardly.

The time has come to admit our failures, both military and moral, and stop treating innocent steam with an automatic assumption of guilt. We must release the steam from the "pipes" we've confined it to and let it roam freely.

The only sensible course of action is to bring our plumbers home, and end our government's policy of cruelty. It's time to withdraw from the War on Steam.

America must stop trying to be the world's teakettle.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Boiling Mad: Stihad in America" and "Hot & Wet: A Pictoral History of Steamy Love Scenes".

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* You can always count on John Edwards for sympathy and advice if you have that "not so fresh" feeling.

* John Edwards never uses the missionary position because he hates being on the bottom.

* John Edwards is hung like a horse... fly.

* During a debate, you will never see John Edwards pound the podium to emphasize a point lest he break a nail.

* Before attending law school, John Edwards briefly considered becoming a gynecologist so that he could do self-exams.

* Since watching "Mrs. Doubtfire", John Edwards can't stop thinking about getting himself a "woman suit".

* Let's hope he never watches "Silence of the Lambs".

* John Edwards wishes he were Superman - mostly for the tights.

* Despite his constant undermining of the war effort, John Edwards secretly wants the US to win the War on Terror because he thinks he's look awful in a burka.

* When John Edwards plays golf, he wonders why his buddies always tee off from WAAAAAY back there.

Bonus facts from reader Matt:
* John Edwards understands the Pet Shop Boys on a level that nobody else ever will.

* John Edwards is banned from the First Response Home Pregnancy Test factory because his mere presence turns all of the test sticks pink. Although it could be because Fred Thompson's mere presence actually impregnates the women.

* John Edwards believes in global warming because "Whew, is it getting hot in here or what? You boys wanna take them shirts off?"

* John Edwards uses the "No More Tears" shampoo but cries anyway. Not because it stings, but because he gets wistful at the thought of his hair losing its perfect form while he washes it.

* John Edwards fears Boy George really wants to hurt him.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You seem surprised that - of all the women in the world - I chose you. That's not surprising. Surprising would be if I'd chosen anyone else.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(really beat up bill)]

Sequel to "The Picture of Dorian Gray" - The Dollar Bill of Lindsay Lohan.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

A POST TITLE WOULD BE SUPERFLUOUS

[Hat tip: funlol]

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Guess what number I'm thinking of... That's right! Congratulations - you've just won a kiss. Want to play again?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Ryan is sexy (8x)]

As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Lies About Ryan Dollars". Coming soon: "Ryan's credit score is a positive number" and "Ryan's genital warts aren't contagious".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

It only takes one good trick to be a magician. Mine shall be turning you into a happy woman. I hope you don't mind if I rehearse it several times a day.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(rubber stamp: THE RIGHT OF THE PEOPLE TO KEEP AND BEAR ARMS SHALL NOT BE INFRINGED)]

Waving these around is the fastest way I know of to pick up chicks at a shooting range.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Just When You Thought They'd Hit Bottom, Out Come the Shovels

(cross-posted from IMAO)

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Congress's approval rating has sunk to a historic low of 14%.

In order to help put that into perspective, here are a list of things that - as of this week - are now more popular than Congress:

* Fungus

* Boils

* Burnt toast

* Drunk drivers

* Drunk dialers

* DMV employees

* Personal injury lawyers

* Hangnails

* Hangovers

* Spammers

* Yipping Yorkies

* Simpsons Trivia

* Gas Prices

* Geico (among cavemen)

* Susan B. Anthony dollars

* Retaining water

* Boy Shakira

* Stepping in poo

* Blue Screen of Death

* Power outages

* Voldemort

* Nose hair

* Soap scum

* Earwigs

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Nothing beats watching the awed expressions on men's faces when you walk into a room. Except perhaps their looks of disappointment when you sit next to me. Yeah, I'm a little smug about it, but it's only because I realize just how lucky I am.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[DON'T LEAVE ME. I LOVE YOU!]

Ironically, if she finds this message persuasive because you wrote it on a dollar bill, you're probably better off without her.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

MAYBE I'VE FINALLY COMBINED MY FETISHES?

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World wants to know:

Just what in the HELL is he surfing for on the net that he found Foot Thongs?

Well, it could be that I was looking for a good "hemp jewelry" link for my recent Graffiti Currency post, noticed the barefoot sandals on this page, and naturally thought about Tammi, since she's forever goin' on and on about barefoot this & barefoot that.

Or maybe I was just doing my normal Googling for toe porn, thongs, and bondage, and just clicked a bad link.

You guys can just go ahead & wonder.

10 GOOD QUESTIONS FOR ANTHROPOCENTRIC GLOBAL WARMING ENTHUSIASTS

From Kobayashi Maru:

2 Will this forecasted change cause more harm than good?

3 Are we certain that this trend is a long-term one and that it will continue?

4 Can non-human causes be entirely or substantially ruled out?

5 Do we have the means to alter planetary climate?

6 Can we do so significantly, precisely and predictably with current approaches?

7 Will the proposed resources (and opportunity costs) devoted to reducing carbon emissions save more lives than if applied to other problems (e.g., malaria reduction)?

8 Are we certain that investment in research (application of human ingenuity) will not yield more cost-effective means of addressing the problem in the future? (i.e., rather than attempting to tackle it with currently available knowledge and solutions)

9 Should a collectivist solution be preferred over one that relies on free market forces?

10 Should some nations or groups be exempt from contributing to fixing a global problem?

Iraq's 18 Benchmarks Reviewed

(cross-posted from IMAO)

You may have heard about the "18 benchmarks" that are being used to judge progress in Iraq, and how only 8 of them have been met.

Here's the official scorecard:

Goal: Reconciliation with former Baathists
Unsatisfactory - When choosing sides for company soccer games, Baathists still being chosen last.

Goal: Reducing the level of sectarian violence and eliminating militia control of local security
Unsatisfactory - Still a lot of fighting between those who believe Allah "tastes great" and those who believe he is "less filling".

Goal: Provide Iraqi commanders with authority to go after insurgents and militia, whether Sunni or Shia, without political intervention
Unsatisfactory - Although Shias are getting the Sunnis and Sunnis are getting the Shias, nobody is doing a damn thing about the mimes.

Goal: Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently
Unsatisfactory - Everyone just stands along the wall, staring at their feet, unless US soldiers start dragging people onto the dance floor.

Goal: Disarming militias
Too soon to judge - They're trying, but it's kinda hard when every Tom, Dick, and Mohammed has more weaponry than Keanu Reeves in the lobby scene.

Goal: Raising Iraqi brigades to support operations in Baghdad
Satisfactory - Although the only "combat experience" some brigades have is selling Burka Scout cookies.

Goal: Establishing joint US-Iraq security stations in neighbourhoods across Baghdad
Satisfactory - Thirty-six such stations have been fully established and 32 other Dunkin' Donuts shops are under construction.

Goal: Amnesty for insurgents
Too soon to judge - Still trying to settle debate on whether "amnesty" should mean "immunity from prosecution" or "a bullet to the head".

Goal: Election reform
Usatisfactory - Too many provinces are still relying on "butterfly ballots". 47 elected offices now officially held by Pat Buchanan.

Goal: Political support for Baghdad security plan
Satisfactory - The Iraqi government has appointed teams of scantily clad cheerleaders to root for both US and Iraqi soldiers.

Goal: To deny Baghdad as a safe haven for Al-Qaeda and insurgents regardless of religion
Satisfactory - Al-Qaeda cleared out. Still some minor canvassing by Jehovah's Witnesses.

Goal: Ensuring that the Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law
Unsatisfactory - Women are still able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

Goal: Fairly allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction
Satisfactory - Every home in Iraq now has one of those wooden "Grandma bent over in the garden" things.

Goal: Introducing laws that would allow autonomous regions
Satisfactory - Iraqis are now permitted to build a treehouse and enforce a "no girls allowed" policy.

Goal: Constitutional review and reform
Satisfactory - Recent amendment provided for binding dispute-resolution between Baghdad and regional authorities via Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Goal: Protect minority political rights in the Iraqi legislature
Satisfactory - Iraqi legislature now rates a solid "9" on the "Tiger Woods Family Reunion Diversity Scale".

Goal: Passing an oil law
Unsatisfactory - There is no oil left in Iraq to distribute, since it's all been stolen by Bush, Halliburton, and JOOOOOS!

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You can never force a man to change. However, it IS possible - as you do - to inspire him to want to be the better man that he thinks you deserve.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[drug money]

New! From the makers of "hemp jewelry"...

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

CURSE YOUR SEXY CLEAVAGE!

Although I may have occasionally said "Your cleavage is distracting me every time I look in my mirror and I can't concentrate!", I was NOT, in fact, the person who said it this time.

Although, if the cleavage in question looked anything like this:

I can certainly see the concern.

lolterizt! Part 7

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

Reference link for that last one

From Trinity:

From FormerHostage:

From Tyrant Rex:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Two from Erik Wit:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Some people hate waiting in lines, but not me. It gives me time to think about you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(torn & dirty dollar bill)]

If the Democrats' support for the troops were a dollar bill.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

New Jersey Petition Proposes Toy Cigar Ban for Politicians

(cross-posted from IMAO)

TRENTON (AP) - After a New Jersey senator proposed a bill making it illegal to give or sell a toy gun to a minor, New Jersey citizens began circulating a petition to ban the ownership of realistic-looking toy cigars by politicians.

"The margin between a politician's stupid mistake and a tragic ending is far too thin," said Scott Bach, who's spearheading the petition drive, "only 22 votes in the Senate, as I recall."

Just too darn dangerous for politicians!

Bach started the petition in late June and hopes to pressure the New Jersey legislature to pass a law this fall. He said the movement stems from an incident in Washington, D.C., where a highly-placed elected federal official was impeached after playing "hide the Cohiba" with an intern.

"A politician once used a real cigar to precipitate a constitutional crisis that very nearly brought this country to its knees - the part that wasn't already in that position, I mean," said Bach.

"We need to stress to our politicians that cigars are not sex toys, but an adult recreational indulgence which should always be enjoyed with extreme caution and handled without lascivious intent," Bach said. "Restricting access to imitation cigars will help drive that point home."

Adultery rights advocates in the legislature plan to fight.

"It misses the mark because it demonizes toys instead of criminal behavior," said Senator Nicholas Scutari, who serves as chairman of the New Jersey Association of Dirty Old Elected Men (DO 'EM).

If the measure is enacted, New Jersey would join several other states that have restricted access to realistic toy cigars for politicians.

New York, for instance, got Wal-Mart in 2003 to stop selling toy cigars not imprinted with the words "for external use only". The retailer has also agreed to stop selling toy cigars in skin-toned colors such as black, tan, and peach and paid $200,000 in civil penalties.

Bach's proposal would make it illegal to sell or give to any elected official an imitation cigar, which is defined as anything "reasonably capable of diddling a chubby intern."

Bach said the move would help police and independent counsels figure out whether a cigar is either fake or real, but Scutari said it would be an intrusion upon cheap plastic novelty retailers and consenting adults.

"This bill seeks to intimidate retailers of even crappy carnival consolation prize-like items rather than to address the bad acts of politicians who use imitation cigars in furtherance of sexual adventure," Scutari said. "An intern who gives a politician a toy cigar would be guilty under this legislation."

"Sometimes a toy cigar," said Scutari, "is just a toy cigar, even if it DOES make a great marital aid."

GAY MAN SEEKS BOYFRIEND - ONLY ERICS NEED APPLY

I have nothing to say about the story in particular, rather I was considering the broader applications of this endeavor.

Specifically, for those stupid enough to get someone's name tattooed on themselves, it's cheaper than laser-removal.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If every action has an equal and opposite reaction, then somewhere in the universe I've caused some man to really, really, REALLY hate a woman.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: Pink smiley face)]

Embarrassing celebrity relatives: Billy Carter, Roger Clinton, Al Gore III, and the Wal-Mart smiley's flamboyantly gay brother, Pierre.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

DOING A FAVOR, AND HAVING FUN WITH IT

Pam of Pamibe - a VERY sweet lady who designed most of my site graphics - is trying to win a contest:

Leanne is holding a Contest for people sending the most commenters over and I want to win! There are three different prizes to choose from, but I know what I want: the custom 8×8 monochromatic oil painting. I want a little portrait of my beautiful girl Tess, painted by Leanne.

Now here’s what I’m gonna need you to do: [sorry, Tammi!]

Go to THIS POST specifically and comment: REFERRED BY PAM OF PAMIBE.COM.

I did my part:

REFERRED BY PAM OF PAMIBE.COM

Because she promised to post a video of herself doing a pole dance if she wins ;-)

So yeah, head on over and leave your mark for Pam, as well as "what she promised you" for helping her out.

Who knows? She might even show her gratitude by giving it to you. So dream big.

A REMINDER TO THE LADIES

From Jessica of Indexed:

Seriously, models have pores, blemishes and wrinkles, just like you - it's only their pictures that don't, thanks to a LOT of help.

Ditto for the guys.

UPDATE: Video - from drab girl to billboard beauty in 60 seconds.

UPDATE 2: And let's not forget the 3-minute miracle weight loss program:

WOULD YOU HAVE SURVIVED IN THE MIDDLE AGES?

Shamus of Twenty-Sided asks:

How long would you have lived in the middle ages? Ignore all the general risks - like typhoid or the plague or cholera - that everyone would have faced in general. Let’s assume you were lucky and missed those. (Unless by some chance you actually DID face one of them in your life.) Also ignore the fact that your deadly injury might have been caused by modern technology, like an auto accident. Just pretend you were trampled by a horse or something. So, given the injuries and illness you’ve faced in your life so far: Did you make it? Would you have survived to your current age?

Probably.

The only time I've been under the knife was for hernia surgery, and it wasn't a particularly bad one. Probably something I could've lived with, although I imagine eventually it would've strangulated and killed me.

Although I've benefitted from antibiotics, I'm pretty sure they've only shortened my suffering, not saved my life.

So I'm thinking I'd be alive, but looking like I was 70 instead of 40.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Where do they hold 12-step program meetings for "Loving You Anonymous"? I need to know so that I can make sure I never go near one, even by accident. Some addictions ARE healthy, you know.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

MrSat.com

(A paid review)

Via ReviewMe.com, I've been asked to review the site/services offered by MrSat.com

Topics addressed in this review:
WHAT THEY DO
WHO THEY ARE
HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?
IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?
HANDY FEATURES
IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE
WOULD I USE MRSAT.COM?
CONCLUSION

WHAT THEY DO

MrSat.com is a website that contains links to:

DirecTV.com
AllSat.com, which is a DishNetwork retailer
ShopSirius.com, portal for Sirius Satellite Radio

It also contains links to several generalized text essays on the topic of satellite TV, as well as GPS systems

WHO THEY ARE

I have no freakin' clue. Here's the "About" page in its entirety:

Mr. Sat, now on the World Wide Web at www.mrsat.com, officially launched on July 9, 2007. Our mission is to provide you with top-notch reviews of consumer satellite services. Whether you're interested in learning more about satellite television, satellite radio, or GPS systems, we have you covered.

If you go there, please note that all three links are broken.

HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?

Bad to non-existent. Outside of commercial links, the only Google reference I found was a single paid review on No Sheep that leads off with the words "MrSat.com is terrible." A sentiment with which I wholeheartedly concur for reasons I will soon explain.

IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?

Oh dear, sweet God NO.

Let's begin with the front page, but DON'T click the link until after you're finished reading this, because you need to know what you're getting into.

In Firefox 2.0, the first thing I notice is a large swatch of blinking text.

That's right, blinking.

What. The. F***?

Even crappy porn sites don't use blink tags any more. The only time I've seen them in the last 4 years is by someone trying to be annoying on purpose as a joke. This goes beyond unprofessional to idiotically juvenile.

Blink tags are Satan. There's no reason to use them. Ever.

Visiting in IE6, I didn't get the blink, but I got something even WORSE:

An endless sound loop file.

With no option to turn the sound off.

It just keeps playing, and playing, and playing...

If blink tags are Satan, then unstoppable sound loops are Satan's erect penis, mercilessly plunging into your rectum, while sporting a barbed-wire condom.

For heaven's sake, don't use self-starting sound files on your site, and if you do anyway, have a "stop" option. Anything else is inexcusable.

Now, let's look at other reasons to hate this site. Keep in mind that the site's owner wants to use this thing to make money.

Moving off the front page, their is the egregious insult to web surfers everywhere that is his privacy policy. I quote it in its entirety:

Mr. Sat makes no reassurances whatsoever about visitor privacy. Mr. Sat collects information any way he can, and this may include cookies or server logs. Mr. Sat may rent or sell any and all visitor information. Let's be honest, Mr. Sat is in this for the money. :) This policy is subject to change at any time, and such changes will not be announced. Thanks! – Mr. Sat

Yeah. Thanks for one more reason to avoid Mr. Sat like a rabid skunk.

Here's an item that's just humorous - in his request for my review, Mr. Sat mentioned this:

After working on it for 7 months we have finally launched MrSat.com!

It took him 7 months to get this holocaust off the ground, and he's BRAGGING about that fact.

I'm simply stunned that in 7 months he couldn't surf around just a LITTLE bit to see what *quality* web sites were doing, and maybe borrow a clue.

Also, I want to say something about his tagline,

"Mr. Sat, that's my name. That name again is Mr. Sat".

You folks KNOW I enjoy a Simpsons reference as much as the next guy (and probably a lot more), but the Simpsons franchise guards its copyrights almost as jealously as Disney. Using a line from the show as the whole basis for your commercial enterprise is just begging for fire-breathing lawyers to descend upon you like so many flying monkeys. What he's done tempts fate only slightly less than tagging his site as "the satellitest place on earth".

Which leads to the question, "what is the product or service from which Mr. Sat hopes to generate revenue?"

Well, in THEORY, his attraction is supposed to be useful information - a comparison between satellite TV services.

In practice, he has only 5 bullet points each for DirecTV and DishNetwork. Which are neither aligned in a handy chart nor discussing comparable features.

Might as well flip a coin for all the help you're going to get here.

As for the the linkless text essays on topics satellite and GPS, the information they contain is only marginally informative, at best. How Stuff Works explains it better. Or just Google it. Whichever.

HANDY FEATURES

Your browser's "close window" button.

IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE

I honestly don't think this site is redeemable, but I'll strap on my optimist's hat and offer some obvious suggestions:

* Get rid of the blinking text. It's just annoying.

* Get rid of the sound loop. It's just annoying.

* Get a new tagline.

* Take the money you're spending on buying reviews and spend it on a professionally designed site. The current design is clumsy, amateurish, and does nothing to make you look serious.

* Give people a reason to visit. Offer something they can't get somewhere else. True stories by real people telling why they decided to go with one satellite service over another would be a good start. Have some helpful decision-making information on the site.

At the very least, a point-by-point comparison chart would be a good start.

* If you know anything about the satellite industry, consider attaching a blog and updating it daily.

WOULD I USE MRSAT.COM?

No.

There's nothing on the site that makes it of value to the end user. If you're interested in satellite TV, just go directly to the DirecTV or DishNetwork sites. There's nothing to be gained by stopping at MrSat.com first. There's nothing valuable, informative, or entertaining there.

If you're trying to decide between DirecTV and DishNetwork, Google is your friend.

On the other hand, MrSat.com DOES make an excellent cautionary tale on how NOT to design a for-profit web site, so you might be able to get some use out of it in that capacity.

CONCLUSION

MrSat.com

Don't.

UPDATE 7-27-07:

Well, I have to give MrSat.com SOME credit. He ditched the blink tags, the endless sound loop, the crappy tagline, and the lame pastel color scheme.

He also fixed the broken links in his "About" page, and added some links to his previously linkless essays.

On the downside, the crappy, unprofessional privacy policy still applies, the new color scheme looks like 1970's kitchen appliances, and his new tagline is "the satellitest place on earth".

Anyway, all he needs now is useful information and frequently updated content, and his site will finally be worth more than a puddle of warm spit.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* Before entering politics, John was known as Edwards Spice.

* Until they met John Edwards, the Klingons had no word for "manicure".

* The phrase "useful as a screen door on a submarine" will eventually be replaced by "useful as John Edwards in a presidential race".

* John Edwards was kicked off "The Price is Right" for screaming at the merchandise models, "That's not how to gesture towards a prize! Do it like THIS, you graceless cow!".

* You can always count on John Edwards for sympathy and advice if you have that "not so fresh" feeling.

* John Edwards will not use cotton balls because they give him carpet burns.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]

* John Edwards was the original model for the international "women's restroom" symbol.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]

BONUS FACTS:

from Matt:
You know that antiperspirant that's strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman? It gave John Edwards second degree burns.

from Chris:
John Edwards gets erotic nightmares about Nintendo's Kirby.

from Silicon Valley Jim:
* The inventor of the My Little Pony toys got the idea after seeing John Edwards in a courtroom.

* The $1,250 bill isn't just for John Edwards's haircut. It also includes his Brazilian wax.

* When John Edwards was in high school, he would stay home and cry for a week every time he had a pimple.

Bonus bonus fact from me:

* He still does.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

There are many contenders for "The 8th Wonder of the World". I nominate the smile you give me after I kiss you good-morning.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[Pick Me, #27E, Please, Happy Birthday Eric, call me]

Eric would like to thank everyone for their entries in his "what to use when hunting black widow spiders" contest. And the winner of the random drawing is...

27E! - The Estwing 27oz. Deadblow Hammer!

(NOTE: Eric's birthday isn't until October 14th, but the bonus suck-uppage obviously didn't hurt.)

[Hat tip: blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

They always told me that love was a fickle, mysterious, incomprehensible thing. They were wrong. Love is tangible, understandable, and knowable. Love is you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Lincoln with red & black moustache and glasses)]

From The Gallery of Low-Budget Batman Villains: "Two Tone".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

I'M TEMPTED TO DO THIS MYSELF

Yeah, it's mean, but sometimes you can't resist screwing with people who are overly devoted to their TV shows.

President Killed Non-Violently; Wished Into Cornfield

(cross-posted from IMAO)

DALLAS (AP) - In a keynote speech at the International Women's Peace Conference, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Betty Williams told the crowd of 1000 people, "Right now, I could kill George Bush...[applause]... No, I don't mean that. How could you nonviolently kill somebody? I would love to be able to do that."

President Bush, shortly after being non-violently killed by peace activist.

Through some unknown means - possibly a combination of vigorous applause and fairy dust - Williams's wish was apparently granted, as the President died through non-violent means shortly afterwards. Specifically, by being turned into some sort of spring-loaded children's toy.

When informed of this, Williams appeared embarrassed and quickly wished the late president into a cornfield near Peaksville, Ohio. The audience appeared to approve of her decision, as many of them were heard to say "It's GOOD that Betty killed the president", "Yes, it's a REAL good thing that Betty did", and "Oh GOD! Please don't kill us, Betty!"

Ms. Williams appeared to recover rapidly, though, testing out her newfound powers by non-Constitutionally impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was immediately sworn in as president, with her hand, non-believably, failing to burst into flame when she placed it on the Bible to take her oath of office.

Visibly drunk with power, Williams proceeded to non-thievingly rob a bank, non-fatteningly eat 3000 Twinkies, and non-sexual-relationally 'Lewinsky' Bill Clinton.

She concluded her speech by saying "now that I've fulfilled my every wish on Earth, I will non-rocketly fly to the moon," which she did to a standing ovation from the delighted crowd.

The moon itself was, non-surprisingly, nuked shortly afterwards by blogging tycoon Frank J. of IMAO, who had been non-sanely threatening to do so for some time.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'd like to earn a Ph.D. in loving you. How do I enroll?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(lipstick on portrait)]

"When I said 'wrap your lips around the head', that's not exactly what I meant."

[Hat tip to Susie of Practical Penumbra for finding this one for me]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

A FEW WORDS ABOUT OG FEST

Short version: I had a great time.

Slightly longer version - for me, it wasn't about the events so much as it was about spending time having interesting conversations with intelligent people, which is something I don't get enough of, living in my geographic bit of nowhere. Sadly, these sorts of free-fire wit-fests don't translate well into the printed word, because there's no way to accurately translate that atmosphere into text.

Still, I'd like to give friendly nods to the attendees and, where possible, point you to their summaries of events, which you can choose to believe or not at your own discretion.

Not that bloggers would ever embellish a tale.

Shoe, lately of Chou Chope - Shame she's blog-retired. I felt like I found a kindred spirit who really understands the joy and - ironically - sanity that blogging provides.

Teresa of Technicalities - Sadly, barely got to talk to her at dinner, but I was impressed that she remembered to give me a message from Shakey Pete. She's such a thoughtful girl. No wonder she's daddy's favorite.

Oddybobo of Bobo Blogger - Thanks to her keen eyesight (and knowing me all too well), I got a cool new T-shirt... which I wore for about 5 minutes before spraying it with Guinness. Strange, but true.

Zonker of Thunder And Roses - While I actually got a good amount of talk time with him, what really sticks out in my mind was how much fun it was just watching him verbally sparring with Redneck ("wanna rassle?"). The guy's a hoot.

Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus - What a sweetie! One of the best huggers in the crew. Plus she toted my sorry ass back & forth to Kaus's.

Redneck of RedNeck Ramblings - That boy just cracks me up. Just kept tossing out verbal red meat for the lions to pounce on all night long. Not sure where he found that NASCARney character.

Graumagus of Frizzen Sparks - Who else do you know that can kill a charging vacuum cleaner from 75 yards with a .44 revolver? 'Nuff said.

Contagion of Miasmatic Review - Still shy. Didn't hear a peep out of him all weekend.

Ktreva of The Reality Ranch - Slightly less shy. Especially when drinking coffee-flavored beer. Makes her screamy.

Tammi of Tammi's World - Completely lost count of how many good things she made happen at this event. Once again, she was the rock upon which a quality blogmeet rested.

Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite - My fashion consultant and emotional lifeline when things got overwhelming. As always, I don't know what I'd do without her.

BloodSpite of Technography - I didn't recognize him at first (which broke his heart). He says it's because I'm a thoughtless jerk, but I *still* suspect he must've gotten a face transplant some time in the last year. On a personal note, I covet his .40... well, the one WITHOUT the 200-pound trigger pull, at any rate.

_Jon of We Swear - For just five minutes, I would LOVE to borrow this man's brain. I have never met anyone with his lightning-like talent for cracking off great one-liners. I swear the guy's a freakin' cyborg or something. He's fun to hang out with. Or he's fun out with which to hang, if you want to be picky about it.

Biloxi of The Republic of Biloxi - I didn't know he was coming, so I met him for the first time at dinner. Sadly, I wasn't at my social best, because I was obsessing about my walk-on role in T1G's roast. I did notice that he managed to get off a few good lines during dinner, so I'm looking forward to getting to know him through his blog in the coming weeks.

That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom - Nice guy... for a hippie.

And it's killin' me that he's movin' away.

Sadly, there's no photos of the Plinking Pit - a huge, deep, dirt pit filled with cast-away objects (like volley balls, barrels, cans, boxes, toys, vacuum cleaners, and puddles of water) where you shoot as much as you want, as fast as you want. Full-auto weapons welcome. $25 to play all day, but it's Bring Your Own Ammo).

Here's a shot of the tables at the Pit though. Yes, that really is an inch-think carpet of expended casings on the ground. Adds to the atmosphere.

Also:

In observance of your birthday, we will give you a free day of shooting on your birthday or the day before or the day after. ID will be checked for verification.

Re: Klas's
1) I don't like liver, but the liver dumpling soup was excellent.

2) The staff is friendly and amazingly tolerant of blogger antics.

3) I never thought I'd hear the Czech version of "I Will Survive":

but there it was, playing quietly on the restaurant's speakers. Don't know if anyone noticed it besides me & TNT.

STAR TREK, SEASON FOUR

Thought I'd pass this along to the folks who like original series Trek and wish it wouldn't have been cancelled.

Star Trek: New Voyages' producers/crew feel that Kirk, Spock, McCoy and the rest should be treated as "classic" characters like Willy Loman from Death of a Salesman, Gandalf from Lord of the Rings or even Hamlet, Othello or Romeo. Many actors have and can play the roles, each offering a different interpretation of said character. Though the character is the same, the interpretation of the actor is what's in question. We feel that the crew of the Enterprise has more to teach us about life and each other than has been explored to date. We also feel the new actors can add to the legend in a believable and contemporary way. Yes, some may have a problem separating Shatner from Kirk - all we ask is that you give it a try and see whether Kirk and the crew still have something to say to you.

This isn't just your normal crappy fan fiction webcast. They've actually got some of the original series cast members to play along.

Worthwhile to download if you have hi-speed.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Falling in love with you isn't something I planned, just something I've always dreamt of.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Yet another surpise in "Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows" - Harry goes through an experimental neo-hippy phase.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ARMY WIFE!

Bloggranddaughter Army Wife of ArmyWifeToddlerMom turns... um... I think it's 21... today.

In celebration, blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World is celebrating with a "bring a dish"... um... ok, "bring a recipe"... link fest.

In the 4+ years I've been blogging, I've only posted one recipe, so I'll bring that one out of the dank recesses of my archives, since it's pretty darn tasty:

(AUTHOR'S NOTE: Besides being a real recipe, there's actual entertainment value in the preparation section, so don't just skip over this)

Several months ago, Goldie of Drama Queen posted about this yummy looking cheesecake, so I asked her for the recipe. She gave it to me, I printed it out, and it sat on my desk for months. Mostly because the measurements were metric, and some of the ingredients were Australian, and I was too lazy to translate. But after a little Googling, I was able to convert everything.

I made it a few weeks back, and it was fantastic, so I thought I'd share my version of it:

12 oz chocolate graham crackers
5 1/2 oz butter (melted)
5 Tablespoons caramel ice cream topping.
2 oz. milk chocolate, chopped finely
3 teaspoons unflavored gelatine
1/4 cup water
3 8oz packets cream cheese, softened
1/2 cup "superfine" sugar
3 full-sized Milky Way bars, chopped

1. For the crust, crush the graham crackers. You can use a blender or food processor. I stuffed them in a Ziploc baggie & smashed them with a rolling pin. Except I didn't have a rolliing pin, so I used a half-empty bottle of Captain Morgan Spiced Rum, which worked fine. Add butter, mix together until just combined, then press the mess evenly over the base & sides of springform cheesecake pan. Refrigerate or freeze for half an hour or until firm. I stuffed it in the freezer, where it got rock hard. Which is a good thing, since it made it easier to pour the filling in.

2. Melt the 2 oz of chocolate and add 2 Tablespoons of cream. Realize that the cream you bought 3 weeks ago is now cheese. Throw away and dash to the store for more cream. Re-melt the chocolate & add cream.

3. Heat the water and sprinkle the gelatine over it. Stir until dissolved. Be disgusted by the fact that the mixture smells like a dead horse.

4. Beat the cheese & sugar with an electric mixer until smooth. Beat remaining cream with an electric mixer until soft peaks form. Realize that you wouldn't recognize a "soft peak" if it jumped up and bit you in the ass. Keep beating the cream anyway, praying that you don't accidentally make butter in the process. Stir slightly warm gelatine mixture into the the cheese mixture with the Milky Way bars. Fold in cream. Worry that maybe "folding" isn't really another term for "mixing" and push down the rising panic as you pray that you haven't completely screwed this thing up.

5. Pour half the cheese mixture into the springform pan. Wonder if you're anywhere near "half" since you just eyeballed it. Drizzle half the caramel & chocolate sauces. Realize that the chocolate hardened again during all that mixing. Microwave in nervous, 10-second increments until runny enough to pour. Worry some more about how important this "half" thing is. Pull skewer back and forth to create a marbled effect. Realize that you don't have a skewer. Use a knife instead, and notice that it doesn't look "marbled" so much as "messy". Thank God that you're not doing this for a cooking class, so you won't be graded on appearance. Repeat process with remaining cheese mixture and sauces. Cover, refrigerate for about 3 hours, or until set. Try not to trip over the dog on your way to the fridge. Serves 8. Or in my case, 1 husband, and 1 sneaky, nibbling mouse of a wife - for several days.

Substitution notes:

Oreo cookies might make an acceptable base, as would plain graham crackers.

I used Milky Ways because I *love* Milky Ways, and I didn't want crunchy things disturbing the creamy texture. Realistically, since there's no baking involved, you can use just about any candy bar that can be cut into pieces. Mars, Snickers, 3 Musketeers, Kit Kat, M&Ms (which you probably wouldn't have to cut, especially if you used the minis), etc, depending on personal preference.

You can make your own caramel sauce using 2 Tablespoons of brown sugar, 2 Tablespoons of cream and 2/3 oz of butter.

Chef's note: Except for the cream debacle and the fact that the chocolate kept hardening on me, this recipe was quite easy to make. The toughest part was probably getting the pan EVENLY coated with the crumbs. Turns out not to be all that critically important anyway. The only change I'd make next time is that I might cut the candy bars into larger pieces.

That and figuring out what the hell a soft peak looks like.

(click to enlarge)

lolterizt! Part 6

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Serr8d:

From Tyrant King:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

From Former Hostage:

Two from Erik Wit:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I had a nickel for every time you've made me unhappy, I'd be flat broke.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

So when I heard the rumors that Obama had a secret love child with a Chihuahua, I thought, "that's just crazy talk", but after I saw the picture, I thought "mmmmmaybe...".

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Al Qaeda's Response?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri says the group is reparing a "precise response" to Britain's decision to bestow a knighthood on author Salman Rushdie.

Unfortunately, he neglected to say what Al Qaeda's response might actually be, which means we'll have to settle for wild speculation:

* Naming all their goats "Elizabeth".

* A ceaseless campaign of stealing cars and parking them in tow-away zones.

* Infecting Britain's water supply with Mad Crumpet Disease.

* Refusing to address Sir Paul McCartney as anything other than "the Ivory guy from that one Stevie Wonder song".

* Calling Prime Minister Gordon Brown up every day and asking if Hugh Jass is there.

* Flushing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" DVDs down the toilet.

* Waiting until Prince Charles is asleep and then putting his hand in a bowl of warm water.

* Making another James Bond movie with Timothy Dalton.

* Organizing a Spice Girls Reunion tour.

* Leaving duffle bags in the London Underground containing open copies of "The Big Book of British Smiles".

* Continuing to savagely attack the tendons of Glasgow cabbies with their balls.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

My favorite thing about you? Your voice. Because you use it to say, "I love you".

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[(two peace signs)]

Ironically, I used this one to pay a homeless guy to beat up a hippie at an anti-war protest.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

lolterizt! Part 5

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Erik Wit:

From Tyrant Rex:

From Jason:

From cadetwithchips2:

From D:

From SondraK via Beth:

From Beth:

From FormerHostage:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You're so pretty that flowers give each other bouquets of your picture.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(brown stained dollar)]

See, this is why you should always spend the extra money for QUALITY adult protective undergarments.

And trust me, you DON'T want to see the wallet.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* Sesame Street's Ernie traded in his rubber duckie for a squeaky plastic John Edwards.

* Silk was invented to allow women to feel as soft and smooth as John Edwards.

* John Edwards has never understood what that stupid zipper on the front of his pants is for.

* WARNING: To avoid being attacked by John Edwards, do not wear Tag Body Spray.

* The holy grail of botany is to develop a rose whose petals have the dewy softness of John Edwards.

* Every year for Lent, John Edwards forgos the pleasures of a woman's touch, with the obvious exception of when he bathes himself.

* Some politicians inspire bi-partisanship. John Edwards inspires bi-curiosity.

* It's not true that John Edwards wouldn't hurt a fly, it's just that he couldn't.

Bonus facts from reader Chris:
* You know that thing that gorgeous women do in movies where they walk towards a diving board, drop the robe to show off a bikini, dive in, swim to the other side, then come out of the water and shake their hair - all in slow motion? Not to ruin it for you, but John Edwards invented that move.

* John Edwards was once treated in the emergency room after receiving a large gash in his hand from a jet puffed marshmallow.

Bush Responds to Al Qaeda Video with "OO! I'm So Scared!" Video

WASHINGTON (AP) - In response to the video from Al-Qaeda's #2 - Ayman al-Zawahri - calling on Muslims to unite in Jihad, President Bush today released a video of himself pretending to be frightened by the threat.

Bush begins the video by standing in front of the desk in the Oval Office, saying, "Oh no! I've angered the crazy Muslims and now they're going to jihad me!" in a voice almost Shatneresque in its degree of melodramatic overacting.

"Help me! I'm terrified! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"OO!" continues the President, making cartoonish nail-biting gestures, "I'm SO scared! Whatever shall I do?"

Bush then dashes around the room, flapping his arms like a little girl or John Edwards, while trying and ultimately rejecting various hiding places, such as under the desk and behind the curtains. In one scene, he retrieves a hand towel from the Executive Washroom, places it over his head and declares "Please don't hurt me! I'll be a good girl and wear my burka!" in a high-pitched voice.

"Look at me! I'm a Muslim now! I've got a hostage!" the President continues, chasing his dog Barney around the room with a letter opener while making exaggerated stabbing motions and shouting "Allah Snakbar!" "Hollah Hacksaw!", "Cheese-a Crakar!", and "Walla Walla Washington!"

Bush then flops into his office chair, giggling hysterically.

"Please don't threaten me anymore! The terror is just too terrifying!" he says between snorts of laughter. The President then does a Macaulay Culkin "Home Alone" imitation, screaming "AAAAAAAAH!" while holding his hands to his face before falling to the floor, guffawing helplessly, as the camera fades to black.

The video ends with Bush saying over the black screen "Oh man, I think I wet myself... better have Mitt Romney come in and hose me off," which trails off into more laughter as the clip finishes.

Separated at Birth?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Can you tell the difference between Al Gore & the Unabomber based on quotes from each?

I scored 33%, if that tells you anything.

[Hat tip: American Digest]

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

The seasons change every three flips of the calendar page. My love for you - never.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[[arrow], WWW.WHERESGEORGE.COM, [arrow], [question mark]]

Prop from the movie National Treasure: Bill of Confusion.

[Hat tip: blogson _Jon of We Swear]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

I'M OFF LIKE A PROM DRESS

Headed out to OgFest. Don't expect to be posting anything new while I'm gone, but if I do, it'll appear below.

I trust that you'll refrain from any comment mischief in the meantime.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When a problem comes between us, it simply means that we have the problem surrounded, and it will soon be defeated. Because when it comes right down to it, I'm ALWAYS on your side.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Don't worry, I'm not crazy, I'm just in love with you. Although - if I'm doing it right - there really isn't that much difference.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'm normally a cautious, thoughtful man, but I love you madly. I want to take your hand and plunge recklessly and headlong into our beautiful future together.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

REMEMBER

7-7-05

INDEPENDENCE DAY

Fun!

Ok, slightly longer version:

Richmond of One for the Road - phenomenal job of keeping everyone fed & beveraged. Hostess-wise, she makes Martha Stewart look like Roseanne Barr.

WxMan - aka Mr. Richmond, who was kind enough to let me light some fireworks AND kind enough to send me this link (caution: contains naked boobs).

Blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review - still shy. Wouldn't say a word. Just sat there trying to hide under his new Packers beret (a gift from my Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite). Well, he did mumble something about how he wished people would start leaving comments on his beer review posts so that he wouldn't feel like he was doing all that drunk blogging for nothing.

Bloggranddaughter Ktreva of The Reality Ranch - besides flaunting her stunning red hair, did a lot of dramatic eye-rolling whenever Contagion said anything dumb. She had very tired eyes at the end of the night.

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World - besides flaunting her stunning mocha hair, forgot to wear her chocolate-proof dress.

Roses of Ack! Thbbbt! - I love this woman. She knows who the Purple Pandas are.

(currently) blogless Nancy - too smart & charming to be blogless. Someone send her a link.

Akshun J of Underground Media: Reloaded - taught me the meaning of Netflix cheating. Wonder if you can do that with Blockbuster? Also, I owe him a COHERENT explanation of the concept of "The Bad Example Family". That'll be up in a few days, after I dig up all the relevant links.

Mrs. J - despite the fact that I used her name in a horrible pun shortly after meeting her, was still very nice to me, and upgraded my knowledge of Central American geography. Oh, and she needs a blog.

and the rest - who I won't list by name, since Richmond doesn't, and I don't want to blow anyone's cover. But they know who they are and I enjoyed meeting them.

Fun people. Food. Alcohol. Things that blow up.

Score 10/10.

Aren't There Better Uses for That?

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama set a new fundraising record in the second quarter by pulling in $32.5 million, bringing his total for the year to $58 million.

Since Democrats are forever gloating about all the lefty goodies they could've bought with the money spent on the War on Terror, I think it's only fair to remind them of all the things they could've bought with those Obama campaign donations:

Is Obama REALLY worth not having this?

* 116,000 kevlar helmets for baby seals

* 3,411,000 metal spikes to put in trees for wrecking lumberjack chainsaws

* 10,000 new roofs for Palestinian ambulances with perfectly circular holes from Israeli rocket attacks.

* 252,000 giant paper-maché Bush puppets for burning at protests.

* 19,000,000 gallons of gas for Harry Reid's SUV so he doesn't have to walk across the street.

* 29,000 sensitivity training classes to help cure blacks of their homophobia.

* 210,000 shopping carts for the homeless.

* 2,857,000 inner tubes for illegal aliens.

* 145,000 haircuts for John Edwards.

* 400 if you include the cost of hair spray.

* 4500 face lifts for ugly feminists.

* 18,770,000 jars of urine for NEA art projects.

* 263,000 wedding cakes with two grooms on top.

* 1,300,000 bongs (strictly for medicinal purposes, of course)

* 116 TV commercials to promote a concert that'll raise $10 million dollars for AIDS research.

* 830,000 acoustic guitars for playing "Kumbaya" while setting fire to giant paper-maché Bush puppets.

* Enough carbon offsets to cancel out 3 days worth of Al Gore jetting around the country to discuss the perils of Global Warming.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Like the plastic tip of a shoelace, you keep me from fraying so that I can make it through the tight spots in my life's journey.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(drawing of Cap'n Crunch hat on Washington)]

So, in "Pirates of the Caribbean 4: Milking of the Cash Cow", Jean LaFoote has Calypso binds Cap'n Crunch's soul to a one dollar bill and then he takes command of the Flying Dutchman while Calypso, Will Turner, and Elizabeth Swann are having a threesome on the Black Pearl.

Yeah, it's even more confusing that "At World's End", but it's got better special effects and Keira Knightley in positions that would make Larry Flynt blush, so it's worth the money.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

lolterizt! Part 4

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Erik Wit:

From Andrew:

From Pupster:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy:

From Chris:

From FormerHostage:

It's Even Worse When Your Dog Weighs 120 Pounds

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to PeTA ringleader Ingrid Newkirk:

* wind
* weather
* speed
* vulnerability
* isolation
* extreme stress
* torture

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to dog owner Harvey:

* drinking out of the toilet
* eating out of the garbage can
* picking "tootsie rolls" out of the cat's litter box

Anyway, I wonder what all these angry, "animal loving" people would be saying if Seamus had been inside the car with Mitt, his wife, and his five pre-teen sons when he started having "bowel issues"?

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I were your waiter, the only tip I'd want would be the privilege of continuing to serve at your pleasure.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

Cover for the new Prince album, Purple Hair.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)