August 31, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I guess there's no rational explanation for why I love you like I do. But if this is madness, then it's of a happy sort.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[Good Charlotte]
As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Non-descript, Post-grunge, Corporate-tool, Faux-alternative Rock Bands With No Street Cred Dollars" Coming soon: "Blink-182" and "Third Eye Blind".
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) Sometimes, I've got a ball
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 30, 2007
Arizona School Suspends Student for Drawing "A Really Crappy Gun"
(cross-posted from IMAO and as seen on Google News)
MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.
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Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."
"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."
"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."
School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."
The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."
"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I've always said that I don't believe in miracles. Then you came into my life. I'm man enough to admit when I'm wrong
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(red splotch)]
Although it did well in focus groups, the "raspberry jelly center dollar" proved unpopular with the public at large.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) You need rest after you've had a long one
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 29, 2007
BUNCH O' LINKS
The reason why I don't blog more.
Just one argument - Tom Petty isn't underappreciated. He's OVERAPPRECIATED. And overplayed. He can go away any time now. The only good thing he ever wrote we're those two inexplicable lines of disco/slap-funk in the middle of "American Girl".
The Female Orgasm Sound Board [NC17... or maybe just plain old X]
Restroom Signs from around the world [via Lynn of Violins & Starships]
The Generator Blog - blog that collects all those cool word/name/image generator widgets:
A-Team Episode Generator
Absolut Bottle Sign Generator
Academy Awards Acceptance Speech Generator
Acronym Generator
Acronym Liar Generator
Action Figure Generator
Ad Generator
Adventure Generator
Advertising Slogan Generator
Advice Generator
AIEEE Generator
Air Guitar Stage Name Generator
Airline Sign Generator
Ajax Loading Gif Generator
Alanis Morissette Random Lyric Generator
Alchemist Name Generator
Alcohol Abuse-Excuse Generator
Alien Limerick Generator
Alphabet Soup Word Generator
Ambigram Generator
Anagram Generator
Anarchy Cookbook Generator
Angry Tom Image Generator
Animated Neon Sign Generator
Animated Wave Generator
Apathetic Online Journal Entry Generator
Apocalyptic Event Generator
Apology Note Generator
Apple Rumor Generator
Archaeological Buzz-Word Generator
Aristocratic Title Generator
ASCII Generator
Associate Degrees of Kevin Bacon Generator
Astronomical Brainabetizer Generator
Atari 2600 Label Generator
Automated Film Plot Idea Generator
Automatic Poetry Generator
Avatar Generator
Yeah, that's just the freakin A's... [via Lynn of Violins & Starships]
Kipkay Videos - short (most under 2 minutes) videos that give handy tips. I've actually used "How to Chill a Coke in 2 minutes). You can spend all day here.
If business meetings went like blog comment threads.
New boob assistance technology - implantable bra. [via I Hate My Cubicle!!!]
If you're a mom, you will laugh your ass off at this. Heck, if you were a kid who ever got yelled at by a mom, you'll get a kick out of it, too.:
[via Neatorama]
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
It amazes me that some people long for "the good old days", because with you, I know my life will only get better. I long for "the good new days" to come.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(chewed-up quarter)]
From "Moonraker" - official "Jaws" brand chewing gum.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I am a four letter word that starts with F
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 28, 2007
JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS
(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)
John Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.
John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.
John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".
John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.
John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.
BONUS FACTS:
From Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.
A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.
From Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.
John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.
If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.
From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.
John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.
John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.
Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.
Tony Snow - Trying to Make Ends Meet
(cross-posted from IMAO)
White House Press Secretary Tony Snow says he'll be stepping down from his position due to 'financial considerations' - i.e., his $168,000 salary wasn't enough to live on.
As a professional blogger, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of trying to make ends meet on a measly 6-figure paycheck.
Still, the more I read about the story, the sorrier I feel for Snow, because apparently he's not let pride stand in his way when it comes to taking odd jobs (and worse) to help supplement his income. Things like:
 |
* Returning Ted Kennedy's empties for the deposit.
* Mowing the White House lawn in a Speedo at Laura Bush's request.
* Which is nothing compared to the "favors" he's been doing for Pelosi, who responded to queries about the deal with "Hey... there are some... things... that Paul simply will not do. And a woman has certain... needs".
* Following Bill around and e-mailing "bimbo reports" to Hillary.
* Covertly collecting new entries to be published in "Bushisms, Vol. 6".
* Browbeating YouTube into taking down all those "Drunken Jenna" videos.
* Placing personals ads on SodomiteConnections.com for John Edwards.
* Murdering hobos to keep a fresh supply of human hearts ready for Dick Cheney, just in case.
* Although rumor has it he sub-contracted that one out to Glenn Reynolds.
* Doing a little time in the "subservient chicken" outfit.
* Being Marion Barry's third-shift crack-mule.
* Drop-shipping pit bulls to a mysterious buyer in Virginia known only as M. V. Ick.
Rumor has it that he's also mugged girl scouts for their cookie money, but hey, who hasn't?
See better examples »
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I wouldn't compare our love to a garden, because they're so small. Our love is an entire rainforest, encompassing continents.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[BOMB SADDAM]
And the #1 cool thing America did in 2003...
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I'm stuck between your cheeks
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 27, 2007
SWEET!
Something else I can cross off my list:
(click to enlarge)
A fake news story I wrote for IMAO was picked up by Google News.
I'm just gonna sit here & giggle for a while.
[Hat tip to Alice of Mona Lisa's Eyebrows for bringing this to my attention]
See better examples »QUOTE OF THE DAY
Obviously, everyone’s definition of lazy is, "people who use more time-saving devices than I do."
Shamus of Twenty-Sided.
Reminds me of the definition of an alcoholic: "someone who drinks more than I do".
Obama Vows to Ease Cuban Embargo
(cross-posted from IMAO)
MIAMI (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush's Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.
In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.
Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.
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"I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones," said Obama. "In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops."
"Let's face it," Obama said, "it's just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in '61, and it's WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take."
"Now, I have a firm 'no nukes' policy," clarified Obama, "but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There's a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain't it, I don't know what is."
"Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine," Obama concluded, "there would be no further need for Bush's failed embargo policy."
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Why does our love last? Because even though we don't always agree, we DO always cooperate.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(rubber stamp: GAY MONEY)]
After this incident, they had to change the policy to "Don't Ask. Don't Tell. Don't Spend".
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) If you're single, there's a chance you could catch it
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 26, 2007
SERIOUS QUESTION
Asked by blogdaughter Machelle of Quality Weenie in the comments to this post:
Why is it that teenage/early adult males can not handle a gay man being around them?Do they fear "catching" it?
Does it make them feel less of a male?
Does it make them feel that uncomfortable that they just don't want to deal with it?
I've mulled this over, and I'm not really sure myself. About the only thing I can think of is "they're insecure about their manhood".
Which sounds like a cliche, but this is what I mean - teen males know that they're expected to act "manly", but they don't yet understand what all that would entail (they're probably a little fuzzy on the honesty, integrity & discipline aspects of manhood at that point - hopefully they'll figure out that those are the REAL keys). What they DO understand about manhood at this point is the concept of penile-vaginal copulation. That's the one aspect of manhood they're certain about. So, when placed in a situation of uncertainty, they fall back on what they can count on to demonstrate their manhood - defending their love of vagina.
That's my theory. Others are welcome in the comments.
lolterizt! Part 11
(cross-posted from IMAO)
Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Reader submissions:
From Alan ABQ:
From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts"
From Five-Pillars:
From FormerHostage:
From Hazel:
From Erik Wit:
From Starfox5253:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
You know, I've always been easily distracted by the presence of a pretty woman, and... uh... what was I saying?
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Orange shapes by Washington's head)]
Ok, so his toupee is the color of a traffic cone and it's shaped like a wig that Bozo rejected. It's STILL more natural-looking than Donald Trump's combover.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) If I expose the bulge under my coat, you're in trouble
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 25, 2007
John Edwards Contines to Fight War on Poverty
(cross-posted from IMAO)
WASHINGTON (AP) - Reacting to Barack Obama's tougher stance in the War On Terror, presidential candidate John Edwards has declared that, if elected to the nation's highest office, he will launch a new offensive in the War on Poverty. Specifically, he vows to target people who have defaulted on their high risk mortgages.
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"There is a greater terror than insurgents with roadside bombs," said Edwards, "and that's low-lifes who don't make their mortgage payments on time. If elected president, I will fight against those who betray the trust of the subprime lenders by hitting them where they live - literally - and foreclosing on their houses."
"Unlike naive and inexperience candidates who talk tough on fighting foreign wars, yet have never left Iowa, or Indiana, or Idaho, or whatever stupid 'I' state they come from *cough*Senator Obama*cough*, I have significant experience fighting this particular war. I've made almost half a million dollars working for a company that specialized on getting deadbeats out of houses and back on the streets where they belong. I don't just TALK tough on poverty, I knock the shiftless bastards around, too."
However, some critics question his credibility on this issue. The company doing the foreclosing (Green Tree Servicing) was only a small subsidiary of the company Edwards worked for (Fortress Investment Group), implying that Edwards's involvement in the actual foreclosure process was merely indirect at best.
Edwards challenged that assertion.
"I don't like to brag, but I personally dragged a 67-year-old Katrina victim out of her house by the hair, flung her down into the mud, kicked her a few times & told her to start paying her damn bills on time before we had to get REALLY rough with her," said Edwards with an air of great accomplishment. "That 'I was in a hurricane' crap may get sympathy on the evening news, but I've got a hair stylist to pay. I want my damn money. I can't buy haircuts with excuses."
Not to be outdone, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton outlined her own "War on Poverty" agenda over the weekend. "When I'm elected President," said Clinton, "I plan to organize a new Cabinet-level 'Department of Collections' which will draw from some of the most prominent members of the Italian-American Legitimate Businessmen's community. They will 'help' those who might have 'accidents' if they don't pay their creditors by the end of the week. America's poor have some nice families, and it would be a shame if anything were to 'happen' to them."
[Hat tip to IMAO reader Cathy for that first link]
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Whenever I hear footsteps, I turn around, hoping that it's you. Even if I already know that it couldn't be, I still can't help feeling a little disappointed if it isn't.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[St. Jude Pray for us]
St. Jude sighed. Would these Cubs fans NEVER leave him alone?
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) You can rent my box for a price
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 24, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Since you've come into my life, every piece of furniture in the house has become a loveseat.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[THE FIRST TIP]
Just a little souvenier from the days when I used to dance as "Handyman Harvey", wearing nothing but a toolbelt and a smile.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) When I come, I can be white or yellow
(see extended entry for more clues)
Get the whole bad example » See better examples »
August 23, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Shhhhh... hear that? That's the sound of me adoring you.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(dollar that's dark on the left side and light on the right)]
Pessimists see the bill as being "half dark".
Optimists see the bill as being "half light".
Bad Example readers see the bill as being "half dirty".
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) If you see me in bed, you whack me off
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 22, 2007
Petraeus Says He Will Propose Cutting Troops
(cross-posted from IMAO)
BAGHDAD (AP) - The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress.
"The fact is," said Gen. David Petraeus, "there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic."
"Look at all the troops there," he said, "Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon."
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"My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or - if need be - even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn't matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President."
When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.
After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views.
"You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We've spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you've got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?"
"You don't win wars by running away," explained Petraeus, "you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!"
"Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out."
After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks.
"So... no."
JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS
(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)
John Edwards doesn't play jumprope, since there's no rope thin enough for him to jump over without tripping.
John Edwards is actually a lesbian trapped in a lesbian's body.
Halloween was invented by John Edwards so that he wouldn't ALWAYS have to wear something over his fairy princess costume.
Sequined fur coat, candelabra, Liberace CD's blaring - just another football Sunday at John Edwards's house.
John Edwards just can't stop thinking about what it'd be like to lick the sweat off of Bruce Willis's head.
John Edwards was once possessed by a demon and kept uncontrollably vomiting unicorns & rainbows.
John Edwards SWEARS that there's no such thing as a "twist-off" bottlecap.
There isn't a hooker in the world who wouldn't sell her soul to have John Edwards's perfect, round little ass.
Bonus Fact: Estimated street value of John Edwards's perfect, round little ass: $10,000.
Bonus Bonus Fact: 10 cartons of cigarettes in Attica.
BONUS FACTS:
From Lethbridge & Stewart:
John Edwards sulked in a darkened room for three days when he heard Reese Witherspoon was the new face of Avon.
From Jim:
It takes John Edwards three times as long to shave as the average man. This isn't because his beard is heavier but because he has to also "hit the pits" and those areas around the knees and ankles can be so gosh darn tricky.
From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards believes that there are two Americas: one where there are Islamofascists, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush, and another one populated by fluffy bunnies, cuddly kittens, and darling lambs.
John Edwards sued his high school because he wasn't permitted to perform "The Good Ship Lollipop" in the annual talent show, although really he was just pissed that he wouldn't be able to wear his Shirley Temple costume.
John Edwards Fabulous Facts - Too Adult For IMAO
Nude photos of John Edwards show he was never circumcised, as his clitoris is clearly visible.
Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards cannot say the word "penis" without giggling.
GOTTA GO OUT SHOOTIN' WITH HIM SOMETIME
Blogson Shakey Pete of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack has posted a fine beginner's tutorial on shooting.
If you've ever fired a gun, or wanted to, this is something you'll enjoy reading.
RIGHTOSPHERE TEMPERATURE CHECK
Now posted at Right Wing News.
Some explanations for my answers:
1) Should we re-institute the draft?
Not only no, but HELL no. If a government can't get a sufficient all-volunteer force to fight its wars, then either the war isn't worth fighting or the government needs to offer more pay & bennies to entice people to sign up.
The draft is a form of slavery. You don't do that to free men.
2) Would you like to overturn the "don't ask, don't tell" policy in the military in order to allow gays to serve openly?
No. Straight teenage soldiers are still teenagers and operate under a teenager's code of machismo. I think it's too much to ask them to curb their animosity towards homosexuality. I saw what it did to morale when someone on my ship was accidentally outed. It does NOT make for unit cohesion.
3) Would you favor replacing our current tax system with the Fair Tax, a flat tax, or a national sales tax?
No. Eliminate it, replace it with nothing, and cut social(ist) spending programs. Income tax is NOT the only source of Federal income, and if the Feds only did their Constitutionally authorized activities (such as national defense), the budget wouldn't need income tax revenue to pay the bills.
4) Would you like to see Gitmo closed down?
No. I want it filled to the brim with terrorists. Who should be tortured until they give up all their useful information, and then executed.
5) Would you like to see the Patriot Act repealed?
No. Despite a LOT of bitching from the left, I've yet to hear of any court case challenging the constitutionality of any provision of the Patriot Act. Until I hear of it being used as an excuse for unconstitutional actions, I support it as an essential tool for fighting the War on Terror.
6) How would you say the national economy is doing?
A) Good or excellent shape
B) Fair shape
C) Poor or terrible shape
A - I've got a good job and my stock purchases are gaining in value. Speaking as a microcosm of the national economy, things are great.
7) Karl Rove is planning to retire this month. Overall do you think that Rove has been
A) an enormous benefit to Republicans and his loss will definitely hurt the GOP.
B) so-so as a political strategist.
C) completely overrated and bad for the GOP overall.
A - He makes liberals wet themselves with fear and/or anger. What's not to love?
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Even when you're just in the next room, sometimes I still miss you, because you're not right by my side.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(red spots on Washington's head)]
George, I *told* you that popping them would only make them look worse...
August 21, 2007
HOW FAR CAN A DEER SWIM?
At least five miles, although he didn't appear to have saved anything for the swim back.
Deer shouldn't watch 'Gattaca'.
Bush Spends Weekend "Messin' With Froggy's Head"
(cross-posted from IMAO)
KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (Reuters) - President Bush appeared invigorated after inviting the recently-elected French President Nicolas Sarkozy to his Kennebunkport vacation home where he spent the weekend playing spiteful practical jokes on and cruelly taunting France's leader as revenge for French political activities during the run-up to the Iraq War.
"Well, that swishy little girl Chirac never had the guts to face me in person, so I figured I could get a little payback outta Sarkozy," said President Bush. "I sweet-talked him into coming up to my house and just started messin' with Froggy's head."
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"First thing I did was hand him a hamburger, waited until he bit the edge, then told him, 'Whoa, there, Pierre! That's not how we eat a burger in America! Ya take the top bun off, then start lickin' the meat.' Would you believe that idiot actually started DOING it? I'm totally putting that one up on YouTube!"
Bush then took a verbal swipe at the visiting dignitary. "Just like eatin' an Oreo, ain't it? You DO have Oreos in France, right? Oh... wait... the only black & white things you have over there are the burnt out shells of cars after Muslim riots".
Sarkozy, embarrassed, said nothing.
Bush continued to goad. "Come on Sarky, it's not THAT bad. At least you smelly grape-stompers still got your national health care, right? Say... does that include air-conditioners now, or are you guys planning on roasting a few thousand more old people this year?"
After nightfall, Bush stopped the verbal barbs in favor of some old reliable frat-house pranks. "It was sorta like those 'Messin With Sasquatch' commercials," said Bush, "except hairier and smellier."
"In one night," bragged the President, "I pulled the shaving cream in the hand trick, dipped his other hand in warm water, and woke him up with a bag of flaming dog poo."
"I ain't had this much fun since I tricked Putin into wearing a dress," grinned Bush. "That picture's EVERYWHERE now."
"It was a great time," concluded the President. "I may have lost Blair as my poodle, but now I've definitely made Sarkozy my bitch."
Whaddya Mean "Just"?
(cross-posted from IMAO)
I'm kinda irked that Obama said that our troops are "just air-raiding villages and killing civilians" in Afghanistan.
Like it's not important or something. I mean it's not like the terrorists are going to pick up the slack if we don't do it.
But the fact is, the US military has got a lot on its plate over there in the 'stan. Here are some of the jobs our boys are expected to do every day:
* Target journalists
* Throw candy at kids and not laugh when it bounces off their foreheads & makes 'em yip & go cross-eyed.
* Nod, smile, and make polite listening noises while natives blather on and on about their pointless, unimportant lives. Thank God we've got married men over there.
* Participate in a game of Buzkashi with the locals because - ever since Rambo III - the natives think ALL Americans love playing dead-goat-polo. Damn you Sylvester Stallone!
* Scour the poppy fields for lions, dogs, little girls, scarecrows, and some guy who looks like Jet Jaguar.
* Take turns leading Osama Bin Laden around on a leash in his secret prison cell.
* Oh HELL yeah. We've had him in custody since 2001. Anyone who thinks otherwise probably thought Paul was dead back in '66, too.
* Keep "accidentally" lobbing shells across the border into Iran, just to keep Ahmadinejad twitchy.
* Learn enough Pashto to say "I am not Rambo". Damn you again, Sylvester Stallone!
* Throw terrorists into leftover Russian minefields and see how far they bounce. Sorta like live-action Kitten Cannon.
* Hack into the Taliban's web site and change the front page to something like:
Of course, if Obama were President, they'd be air-raiding villages & bombing civilians in Pakistan, which is completely different.
Jackass.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Generally, I'm not concerned with other people's opinions. But you're not just another person. You're the woman I love, and your every thought matters to me.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(creatively folded dollar bill)]
Crazed Bush-haters across America were thrilled to discover proof that - according to conspiracy theory bill-folding techniques - an American President named George was a dick.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) Trump has a long one
(see extended entry for more clues)
Get the whole bad example » See better examples »August 20, 2007
DENIAL
Don't believe a word from niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!
I was a perfect gentleman during the entirety of my visit.
lolterizt! Part 10
(cross-posted from IMAO)
Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Reader submissions:
From FormerHostage:
From Sir Andrew of GOPedia:
From HandsomeBill:
Two from Erik Wit:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I'm NOT absentminded, I'm just thinking about other things a lot. Like the way you look when you step out of the shower, for example.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Rubber stamp: I GREW HEMP)]
And milked it like a cow!
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I can whip a big pussy
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 19, 2007
OUTTA TOWN THIS WEEKEND
Heading out to visit niece/blogdaughter Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!
I'm not likely to post anything between now & Monday.
While I'm gone, I expect you people to behave.
And yes, "badly" is acceptable.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
If I were a spider, I'd spin "I love you" into my web. When you saw it, you'd be awed and delighted. Then you'd smash me with a rolled up newspaper, because you hate spiders. But it'd be worth it.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
August 18, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
It's the little things about you that I cherish. Like watching you browse, poke, and consider your way through your closet for so long to find that just-right pair of shoes to complement your outfit. You adorable little perfectionist, you.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
August 17, 2007
NEW JOB
So, I quit my pizza delivery gig, and am now working as a Vault Teller for a company that services ATM's.
Basically, I hand huge piles of money to armored car drivers in the morning, put away the stuff they brought in from the night before, get the new huge piles of money ready to go out the next morning, and check in the returning drivers' slightly-less-huge piles of cash when they return from their routes.
Good news: my work space is air-conditioned, I get to play with (literally) millions of dollars, there are VERY few dull moments, and it pays about 15% better than that asshole bank that fired me a couple years back.
Bad news: 45 minute commute each way, and I'm currently pulling 10-11 hour days once I get there.
Silver lining: lots of overtime pay, and weekends off.
Dark cloud: not a lot of time for the blogging I want to do here at Bad Example, since I spend a good chunk of what little free time I have fulfilling my contractual obligations over at IMAO.
However, so far I'm still managing to juggle everything. We'll see how long I can keep it up before something gives.
Oh, and if you see someone driving down I-90 trying to scribble blog-post ideas into a notebook at 65 mph, give a wave, because it's probably me.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Whoever coined the phrase "a fine figure of a woman" was probably thinking about you when he did so.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(I [heart] U)]
Quiz: How well do you know women?
It's Valentine's Day and you only have $3 to your name. Which of the following gives you the best shot at getting a little:
A) Spend all $3 on a Hallmark card full of pastel colors & poetry for your girlfriend?
B) Scrawl a clumsy - but heart-felt - note on one of the dollars and buy her an 8-oz Hershey Bar with the rest.
C) Go to the bar, spend the money on beer, and see if you can sweet-talk a parking-lot-quickie out of the drunk chick in the corner?
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I'm a horny stallion
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 16, 2007
Here's Your Answer
(cross-posted from IMAO)
In a terribly off-topic comment to a John Edwards post, anonymous commenter with no contact information Yak asks:
Exactly why is the U.S. deployed in Iraq, according to you?
Fine.
Let's stop mincing words.
We're in Iraq because Muslims have stated over and over and over that their only goal is to kill all non-Muslims.
After 9/11, we started taking them at their word, and since we didn't want to be killed, our only choice was to start killing Muslims before they killed us.
Iraq had Muslims in it, so it was as good a place to start as any. In fact, better than most, because it was in the heart of Muslim country, and having troops there gives us a credible force-projection threat throughout the entire putrid, corrupt, murderous Muslim region. It's easier to kill Muslims in other countries from Iraq than it is from Kuwait.
And now Muslims have two choices:
They can reform their vicious, degenerate religion so that it allows for peaceful co-existence with other religions and - after embracing this enlightened, live-and-let-live philosophy whole-heartedly - they can become productive members of the civilized world, much like post-WWII Germany and Japan.
OR
They can be exterminated like vermin.
All the rest of this crap about WMD's, and mass graves, and liberation, and oil fields, and insurgents is just so much political window-dressing. America is fighting for its life against an insidious, deadly ideology. The people who cling to that sick, 7th-century belief system must either change their minds or be killed.
I wish with all my heart that we had enough manpower to conquer every damn last Muslim nation on earth and root this virus out once and for all, but we don't. So we'll start in Iraq, dragging these barbarians kicking and screaming into the 21st century. After that, hopefully the rest of the Muslim world will get the point. If not, there will be further examples, nation by nation, until they do.
Then, when the Muslim world is either civilized or dead, the war will be over.
I hope that answers your question.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I wanted to send smoke signals from a mountaintop to declare my love for you to the world. But I think I'd need nuclear weapons to make them with enough emphasis.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Treasury seal and serial number printed on top of Del Monte fruit sticker)]
Ok, this corporate sponsorship crap is just getting WAY out of hand...
[Hat tip to bloggreatgranddaughter Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity]
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I can put a bun in your oven
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 15, 2007
JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS
(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)
John Edwards's Indian name is "Hands Like Squaw".
John Edwards uses an entire roll of toilet paper at once, since those perforations were obviously designed for Superman to tear.
John Edwards doesn't eat oatmeal for the same reason he doesn't eat marshmallows - too darn spicy!
John Edwards once caused an entire Gay Pride Parade to stop in its tracks because everyone had to pause to silence the "pegged high" alarms on their gaydars when they went by him.
If John Edwards mistakenly walks into a women's locker room, nobody will say anything. Except maybe to offer him a fresh tampon.
In high school, John Edwards was regularly beaten up and had his lunch money stolen by Napoleon Dynamite.
John Edwards started life as an orphan who was raised by wolves - pansy-ass, effeminate wolves.
BONUS FACTS:
From WSMS (lifted from the comments to this post because it tickled me so, and I wanted to share):
John Edwards is so delicate he has his wife crush up his Midol and feed it to him with a speculum.
From Richard:
The Powerpuff Girls were originally the John Edwards Girls, until John's lawyer sued for defamation of character, claiming John would never be that violent.
From John:
Angelina Jolie denies that she endorsed John Edwards for president, saying she would never support somebody prettier than she is.
From Chris:
For John Edwards, the phrase 'haircut' has two meanings. One costs him hundreds at a salon. The other results in a trip to the ER to get stitches after touching a puppy that wasn't fluffy enough.
John Edwards failed his audition for the Little Rascals because his perfect, pretty hair just didn't look "rascally" enough. Said the director, "If we ever make 'Little Faggots', we'll call ya."
John Edwards' favorite Glade Scented Candle is 'Plain'. The other ones make him dizzy from the fumes.
John Edwards is so soft because Fred Thompson 'tenderized' him.
Toilet paper engineers are working 'round the clock to create a product that is John Edwards soft.
John Edwards is taking notes from How Stella Got Her Groove Back for another run at office.
That famous Kim Carnes song was originally titled "Johnny Edwards Eyes".
When John Edwards gets that sad, puppy dog look, even Fred Thompson starts getting a little misty.
From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards was breastfed... till he was 7.
John Edwards has to "go commando" when he wears white slacks, because his mom taught him that panty lines are undignified.
From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's high-school classmates used to throw him fully-clothed into the shower in the boys' locker room, until they found out that he enjoyed it.
The only person who lifts the toilet seat at John Edwards's house is the maid.
John Edwards is really disappointed that there won't be an official Halloween party in San Francisco's Castro District this year, because it means he'll have to think up another excuse to hang out there.
Just Something I've Noticed
(cross-posted from IMAO)
There are certain words that are dead giveaways for liberal propaganda organizations:
"people"
"community"
"movement"
"empowerment"
"world"
"global"
"ecosystem"
"organic"
"tomorrow"
"natural"
But the biggest red flag?
"Voices"
Liberals are always VERY concerned with making sure all "voices" are heard.
You'll note that Conservatives NEVER use the word "voices". They'll say "opinions".
Other people concerned about hearing voices:
* Bag ladies
* Lunatics
* Serial killers
Not saying there's a connection, just noting the similarity.
Although it wouldn't hurt to cross the street if approached by a journalist, just to be on the safe side.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Some people have all the luck. Given that you're in my life, I must be one of the some.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Rubber stamp: BLESSED)]
Wow! If you thought the ACLU had a fit over "In God We Trust", just wait till they see the NEW design!
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I dreamed of grabbing a big, white Dick
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 14, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
In our time together, I've sometimes stumbled, sometimes fell, but you've never left me behind. You've always been there to help me get back on my feet when I've needed you. You never give up.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(lower left "1" colored blue)]
Because the eye is drawn to the spot of color, viewers will typically not notice that Washington is completely nude in this portrait.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I can fit up to 12 members in my box
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 13, 2007
Bloggers Unite!
(cross-posted from IMAO)
You've probably heard of Lefty bloggers rumbling about forming a blogger's union.
One brave right-wing soul, Shakey Pete of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack, gave it a try.
StylinDoggies.com
(An unpaid review)
Having nothing to do with ReviewMe.com, I've NOT been asked to review the site/services offered by blogdaughter Machelle of Quality Weenie on her canine clothing site StylinDoggies.com, but I'm doing it anyway as a public service.
Topics addressed in this review:
WHAT THEY DO
WHO THEY ARE
HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?
IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?
ABOUT THE PRODUCTS
IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE
WOULD I USE STYLINDOGGIES.COM?
CONCLUSION
WHAT THEY DO
StylinDoggies.com is a site that sells fashionable attire and accessories for dogs.
WHO THEY ARE
The site is run by fashionista puppies Lance and Maggie, with Machelle locked in her attic sweatshop, sewing together the various items for some pathetic piece-rate wage.
HOW'S THEIR REPUTATION?
Not much out there on Google yet, but the site's only been up about a week. Pamibe says she likes the look of the necklaces & bandanas.
IS THE SITE USER FRIENDLY?
Yes.
StylinDoggies.com has a simple, uncluttered, two-column design with an easy-on-the eyes pawprint background. It has large, easy-to-read text throughout the pages, and intuitive categories listed in the sidebar. Each category page contains a large, clear picture of the item type being modelled by either Lance or Maggie or both. The navigation sidebar appears on all pages.
All items feature color/pattern swatches so you can see what you're getting, and clear instructions for ordering.
All payments are made through PayPal, so you can use either a credit card or funds from your PayPal account.
ABOUT THE PRODUCTS
First I should mention that I'm not personally a "dress your dog" enthusiast, since my dogs have thick arctic coats and clothing would be superfluous. However, for folks who think that doggie dress-up is a GOOD thing, I have to admit that Stylin' Doggies DOES offer styles, colors, and patterns that you won't see elsewhere, and does so at prices that seem reasonable, especially considering these items are made to order.
I also like the fact that she warns on every page that ALL doggie fashion accessories can be a potential choke hazard and should only be worn under supervision. It's an excellent point that doggie dressers everywhere should keep in mind.
The best feature of the doggie tops is that they're designed to be boy-dog potty-proof, and have been extensively field-tested in this area.
Now, even if you're not a doggie-dresser, there's more than just clothing items to be had, so every dog owner should at least take a look at StylinDoggies.com.
Here's a list of the categories:
I'd never heard of Snuggle Sacks before, but they seem perfect for small dogs who like cozy places.
IMPROVEMENTS I'D LIKE TO SEE
There are a few more items I'd like to see in the sidebar:
* A link to a "Contact" page, or just have an active mailto link. There's a mailto link on the home page, but you never know what page a customer will be on when the urge to e-mail will strike, so it would be good to have that always handy.
* A link to an "About Stylin' Doggies" page.
* A link to the return policy.
* A link to an FAQ page. Of course, the site's too new to have any ACTUAL questions that have been asked a lot, but try to imagine yourself as a curious & confused customer who's not familiar with the products, and make up a list.
Also, it might be helpful to alphabetize the categories to make browsing even easier.
For the Bedding page - is there an extra charge for certain large sizes?
T-shirts - should mention that customers need to specify the appliquee in the comments section of the order form.
Fancy collars - I'm a bit confused over which color is for the ribbon & which is for the collar. My suggestion would be to have either the ribbon or collar color on top for every picture, and mention something about that on the page. Since the "Princess" one is the only one with words, I'd suggest using that ribbon/collar orientation for all the items, and just flip the rest of the images that are currently "upside down".
Finally, after some happy customer e-mails start coming in, consider posting some "what people say about Stylin Doggies" comments either in the sidebar or on their own page with a link in the sidebar.
WOULD I USE STYLINDOGGIES.COM?
If I were the kind of person who dresses dogs, I would. Some of those patterns are quite eye-catching, if not downright attractive.
CONCLUSION
StylinDoggies.com is an excellent place to browse and shop for doggie clothing and accessories. With vibrant colors and practical designs, it's the kind of place your dogs would shop for themselves if they had opposable thumbs and a credit card.
See better examples »BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Experts agree - you are the most beautiful woman in the world. Anyone who disagrees OBVIOUSLY can't be considered an "expert".
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[Save a tree. Kill yourself]
As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Fun Things To Say To Piss Off Hippies Dollars". Coming soon: "You're a Feminist? That's so CUTE!", and "Al Gore? Wasn't he that 70's R&B singer?".
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) You've got to get off before I can get it up
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 12, 2007
NORMALLY I WOULDN'T POST A CLEAN JOKE HERE, BUT I FOUND THIS ONE AMUSING
A Million Times Forwarded E-mail, sent to me by Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite:
Jesus and Satan were having an on-going argument about who was better on the computer. They had been going at it for days, and frankly God was tired of hearing all the bickering. Finally fed up, God said, "THAT'S IT! I have had enough. I am going to set up a test that will run for two hours, and from those results, I will judge who does the better job."
So Satan and Jesus sat down at the keyboards and typed away.
They moused.
They faxed.
They e-mailed.
They e-mailed with attachments.
They downloaded.
They did spreadsheets!
They wrote reports.
They created labels and cards.
They created charts and graphs.
They did some genealogy reports
They did every job known to man.
Jesus worked with heavenly efficiency and Satan was faster than hell. Then, ten minutes before their time was up, lightning suddenly flashed across the sky, thunder rolled, rain poured, and, of course, the power went off. Satan stared at his blank screen and screamed every curse word known in the underworld. Jesus just sighed.
Finally the electricity came back on, and each of them restarted their computers. Satan started searching frantically, screaming:
"It's gone! It's all GONE! "I lost everything when the power went out!"
Meanwhile, Jesus quietly started printing out all of his files from the past two hours of work.
Satan observed this and became irate.
"Wait!" he screamed. "That's not fair! He cheated!
How come he has all his work and I don't have any?"
God just shrugged and said,
"JESUS SAVES"
See better examples »
Oh, to Be a Fly on the Wall During This One
Although technically still at war - since they only have a cease-fire & not a peace treaty - South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun and the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il are now scheduled to begin a 3-day summit meeting on August 28th in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang.
If we could bug the place - which I'm sure 'lil Kim will do anyway - here's a few choice phrases I'd suspect we'd hear:
* "I'm going to shoot the next person who quotes from Team America!"
* "Who ordered the Dachshund, lettuce, & tomato sandwich?... oh... well... then who DIDN'T order one?"
* "Love your hair! Who's your poofer?"
* "Look, why don't we just settle this thing with a game of 'DMZ Frisbee'?"
* "You rook ronery...[BANG!... *thud*]"
* "You want to buy nukie for cheap?... No, I mean the atomic weapon..."
* "Hey Kimmie! Tootsie called... she wants her glasses back!"
* "Beer bong! Chug! Chug! Chug!"
* "Please, Roh, don't tell the Americans that we've discovered oil here."
* "Don't sweat it, Kim, it's not like Americans could find North Korea on a map, anyway."
* "So... how's your Dong working these days?"
Or maybe they'll just sit around discussing how worthress Arec Barrwin is.
[BANG!]
[*thud*]
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Lying on my back in the grass, staring up at the clouds - I see you in every one of them. Which is - if not perfectly normal - at least not surprising.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Red stain in flame-like pattern)]
As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released "Painted Flames" as the first in its new series of "Redneck Truck Accessories Dollars". Coming soon: "Rebel Flag", and "Duct-Taped Bumper".
See better examples »
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) You come in my tunnel
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 11, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I don't know if it's possible to overdose on kisses, but I think I'd like to try with you.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(big red spot on Washington's face)]
As punishment for chopping down the cherry tree, George's father buried him in cherries up to his eyeballs. His skin was stained red for weeks. However, he learned his lesson and never picked up a hatchet again. Except when he was hacking up British soldiers.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) When you're bleeding, I cover your gash
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 10, 2007
SINCE IT'S ACTUALLY TODAY, I'LL POST ON IT
For Blogdaughter Machelle of Quality Weenie:
[Image courtesy of Image Chef - where you can make your own cake with numbers & a message]
lolterizt! Part 9
Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.
Reader submissions:
From Josh:
From Starfox5253:
From Lethbridge and Stewart:
From Sir Andrew of GOPedia:
From AlanABQ:
Two from Erik Wit:
PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.
Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
That does it. I'm calling the police and having you arrested for being too damn gorgeous.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(hat, eye liner, postage stamp moustache)]
Rocky Hitler Dollar Show
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I come on shore in the dark
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 09, 2007
CATEGORICAL DENIAL
I was nowhere near Green Bay at the time.
As far as anyone can prove.
100 MONTH ANNIVERSARY
Married 8 years & 4 months today.
Usually Beloved Wife TNT of Smiling Dynamite just gets a single rose on the 9th of every month, but there was a little extra this time:
(click to enlarge)
That's Quite An Impressive List!
Interesting headline at Yahoo News: "Congress recesses amid Democratic achievements".
And you thought they were a do-nothing Congress.
Let's take a look at what they've accomplished:
* Supported the troops in Iraq... well, the ones fighting for Al Qaeda, anyway.
* Promoted alternative energy programs, like Iranian nuke plants.
* Fought global warming by jetting around the country in private planes, talking about what a menace SUV's are.
* Set a record for Congressional approval ratings. It may be a record low, but it's still a record. Don't be so judgmental!
* Made Grandmotherly cleavage fashionable again.
* Making the rich pay their fair share by raising the minimum wage high enough to price low-skilled teenagers out of the job market.
* Yeah, I'm not really sure how that one works, either.
* Suckered a lot of gullible Americans into believing that the phrase "we can't win" is more applicable to Iraq than Democrats.
* Kept Republicans from making criminals out of people who break immigration laws.
* Created the most ethical Congress in history by requiring that all illicit funds kept in home freezers be labeled "meatloaf" instead of "bribes", thus thwarting investigators... unless they like meatloaf.
* Drank Ted Kennedy under the table (Ted Kennedy only).
Hopefully when they get back in a month, they'll start working on what America REALLY wants:
More tax cuts & dead terrorists.
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
It's not that I don't remember my life before you, it's just that it seems so drab by comparison to my life WITH you that I don't see any reason to waste time thinking about it.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(lipstick lip imprint)]
Rocky Horror Dollar Show.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I can make your slice
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 08, 2007
JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS
(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)
* John Edwards was rejected for the lead role in The Wizard of Oz for "not being butch enough to play a convincing Dorothy".
* Those plants with the white, fuzzy nubs on the stems used to be called "Edwardswillows".
* John Edwards became a complete gym rat after buying a membership at Curves.
* John Edwards does not brush his teeth because he knows that the plaque will just wrestle the toothbrush away from him and beat him up with it.
* Best part about becoming President for John Edwards? Writing "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue" on his Cosmo subscription renewal card.
* After John Edwards dies, Elton John will write a special version of "Candle in the Wind" for him.
* In John Edwards's hands, a satchel full of explosives would, technically, be called a "purse charge".
* When John Edwards asks you to pour him a double, it means he wants you to put TWO little umbrellas in it.
Bonus facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
* Now playing on John Edwards's video iPod - "I Enjoy Being a Girl".
* After John Edwards graduated from law school in 1977, he was undecided as to his career path. He eventually chose to become a trial lawyer after he failed in his audition with the Village People.
New York Times Addresses Budget Issues
(cross-posted from IMAO)
In a cost-cutting move, the New York Times will be reducing the width of its pages to 12 inches from 13.5 inches. Rumor has it that this is only the first in a planned series of cost-reducing and revenue-enhancing steps the paper plans to take. Other rumored changes include:
* Stock employee break room fridge with generic tofu insted of the expensive name-brand stuff
* Run weekly positive article about the mob to reduce protection money expenses.
* Stop using ink-intensive word "insurgents", switch to more economical "dudes".
* Papers will be delivered at no cost by Jehovah's Witnesses, since they're stopping by your house anyway.
* More front page naked PeTA protester stories.
* Reporters will now be paid with bags of Purina Journalist Chow.
* Online edition to sell animated "Cheap Viagra! - Click Now!" ads.
* Subtle product placement in headlines, like "Iraq War Miserable Failure, Unlike Pepsi in Latest Taste Test".
* Start a blog - those things are a gold mine!
* Train handicapped employees' helper-monkeys to steal office supplies from the Wall Street Journal.
* Ditto for the ones on the typewriters randomly cranking out the editorials.
* Board of Directors must light cigars with 50's instead of 100's.
* Study Master Pimp revenue collection techniques for use on paper boys who skim.
* Daily change sweeps of the Times Building lobby couch cushions
Or they could do the sensible thing and just sell the damn rag to Murdoch.
See better examples »
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
It may seem peculiar at times, how madly I love you. But given how wonderful you are, to do otherwise would be a tragic character flaw on my part.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[200]
Surprisingly, most cashiers can't tell the difference between this and a genuine $200 bill.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I like to stick it in my honey
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 07, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
The delight of you is that you always strike the perfect balance between mysterious adventure and comfortable routine. If our love is not always exciting, it is also never dull.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge images)
THE QUESTION:
[You're really hott, What's your #?]
THE ANSWER:
[Not now]
[Not ever]
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I can have a little cavity
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 06, 2007
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
I hold you close. I feel you respond. It is my simplest and most cherished joy.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[UR #1]
As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Things Cubs Fans Won't Hear This Century Dollars". Coming soon "Record-breaking Win Streak" and "Domed Stadium".
See better examples »TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) I only can last a short time
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 05, 2007
A SPRING CLEANING FOR YOUR CONSCIENCE
I did not write this.
This is something I found while I was poking around in the deepest, darkest depths of my hard drive. Sadly, I neglected to note the source.
Anyway, it's good stuff.
Figured I'd share
*** THE TOP 10 STEPS TO GUILT-FREE LIVING ***
----------------------------------------------------
Too many people live in a state of constant guilt. They feel guilty if they spend a cent on themselves. They feel guilty if they are not constantly at the beck and call of someone else. They feel guilty if anything goes wrong in the life of any of their loved ones, because, somehow, they should have prevented it. Sometimes it seems as though they feel guilt just because they exist! Others feel guilty because their behavior and their values are frequently at odds. Here are some reassurances and ways to plan ahead so as to not feel guilty.
1. If you don't want others to know about something you are about to do, then that is a signal that you are ashamed of it. Solution - don't do it.
2. Understand that you are as worthy of care and attention as anyone else, and it is not wrong to nurture yourself. Whether it is taking time for yourself, spending money on yourself, or eating good chocolate as you take a bubble bath, you are entitled, and you do not need to feel guilty. The edict from the Bible says "Love your neighbor AS yourself, not MORE THAN yourself."
3. Examine your motives. Why are you contemplating a particular action? If you will eventually need to explain to anyone else why you did it, will you be willing to be honest about it? If not - don't do it.
4. Set your own values according to what you believe. When we are very young and do not know right from wrong we need to learn values from someone. As we grow older, we need to develop our own values, according to our beliefs. It may be that those values will be the same as the ones were given when young. Or not. What is important is that we have examined them, and made our own choices.
5. Identify and dismiss your judges. Most people who suffer from unnecessary guilt do so because there is a little judge sitting (metaphorically) on their shoulders. It may be the voice of an angry parent, a judgmental teacher, a mocking older sister, or someone else who judged you when you were young and not old enough to have developed your own values and conscience. Understand that you are now old enough to make your own decisions, to decide on your own values. When your behavior is based on your own decisions and you hear the judge whispering guilt into your ear, smile, turn your head, whisper "Goodbye," and gently blow the judge off your shoulder. This ritual will help you to become aware that the judge's values are not necessarily your values.
6. Understand that you have done the best you could with the tools that you thought you had. You could do no more. If you now realize that it was not enough, reach out to get some more tools, tools to help you become more of who you really want to be, to help you do what is right. The only way to make right the past is to make right the future.
7. Integrate yourself, do not live different lives, or be different people, in different settings. A person who is one person at work and lives according to completely different values at home, or who splits life up in other ways, lives in fear of being found out and cannot always live according to his/her true values. We need to find our own deep foundation, and use this to support all aspects of our lives.
8. Imagine that the entire world hangs in the balance between good and evil, and that your action will swing the balance in one direction or the other.
9. If you are still in doubt, talk with someone you trust, NOT with someone who will advise you to do what they think you want to do.
10. Ask yourself if this is the behavior you would want your grandchildren to know you by. If you still have any doubts about whether or not it is right to do something, ask yourself this question. The answer will be your guide.
If anyone knows where this came from, drop a comment.
See better examples »
Al Qaeda's "Big Surprise" Video: A Review
(cross-posted from IMAO)
Well, that's 54 seconds of my life completely wasted.
Points to consider, terrorist dudes:
If you're trying to scare Americans, shouldn't the threats be written in English?
Also, if you're trying to impress Americans with your technological craftiness, shouldn't your CGI be at least as good at that found in, say, Tron?
Why does the video threaten America with rockets? Is that supposed to be a credible threat? You losers couldn't even bring your own planes to 9/11.
Nice footage of ground explosions. And by nice, I mean "lame". American kids get bigger blasts with Mentos & Diet Coke.
About the "word + word = other word" formula... not working. Americans are only frightened by complete sentences.
What's with all the question marks? Are you trying to terrorize me or tell me how to get free government money?
OO! Scary terrorist leaders!... yeah, whatever... Heck, George Burns was more menacing.
Look! A picture of a flaming American! And it's not John Edwards!... Personally I think this "burning man" picture is WAY better:
This one's cool, too:
As for the whole "Soon... God willing" theme... eh... it's nothing new. Americans say that every Friday about 4:45.
By the way, that background music... the Arabic version of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit", maybe?
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
No pirates' gold was ever as dear as the treasure I have in you.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[Josh]
As a follow-up to its popular State Quarters program, the Treasury released the first in its new series of "Books of the Bible Nickname Dollars". Coming soon: "Zeke" and "Singin' Sol".
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) You can put me on your weiner
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 04, 2007
Obama: "Kill 'Em All!"
(cross-posted from IMAO)
WASHINGTON (AP) - In a shocking reversal of his previous anti-war rhetoric, presidential candidate Barack Obama told his audience at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars that his revised foreign policy will be to kill all terrorists, regardless of where they're located.
 |
"It was weird," said Obama, "I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice's seizure - Holy crap! Terrorists are trying to kill us! Suddenly I understood what I fool I've been for so long. Well, no more. No more diplomacy, no more chit-chat, no more Edwardsfooting around. From now on, all I can say is 'kill 'em all & let Allah sort 'em out'"!
"Why are we playing little 'pretend co-operation games' with terrorist safe-havens like Pakistan, Iran, and Saudi Arabia," said the Senator, his eyes blazing with genocidal fire, "when we've got 30,000 nukes just itching to turn these homicidal maniacs into radioactive shadows on rubble?"
"If elected," he continued, "I will finish the job that President Bush so timidly started. We won't give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say 'Allah Akbar!"
"The President of the United States has the authority AND the responsibility to protect this nation," cried Obama, his voice rising with passionate determination. "There is only one means at our disposal that will fulfill this mandate. I will rain fire and death upon our enemies! None who oppose us shall survive! All shall perish in the cleansing atomic holocaust of flame! The seas will boil! The skies will be filled with Islamic blood! The time of judgment is nigh! All hail the coming Barackalypse!"
At the conclusion of his bold statements, a pin was heard hitting the floor in the back of the room before cheers suddenly erupted from the assembled multitude, as from a single, powerful throat.
One attendee - who would only identify himself by the obviously false name of "Frank J." - remarked, "Wow! And I thought *I* was a lunatic for suggesting that we nuke the moon to consolidate the world's fear of the United States! This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!"
"Screw Fred Thompson," said Mr. 'J', "Obama's got MY vote!"
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
If ever I see tears on your cheek, I will replace them with kisses.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Hamilton with red hair and beard)]
Carrot Top's great-grandfather, Tomato Top, was also a bad prop comic.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) Riding me too hard can make the floor creak
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 03, 2007
POSTING SMUGLY
I am smarter than 99.20% of the rest of the world.
Find out how smart you are.
25/25. Don't think too hard about them.
[Hat tip: Lynn of A Sweet, Familiar Dissonance]
Sending 19,000 Additional UN Troops to Dafur "Best Idea Ever"
(cross-posted from IMAO)
NEW YORK (AP) - In a stroke of strategic brilliance, the UN has authorized the deployment of 19,000 new peacekeeping troops to the troubled Darfur region of Western Sudan, nearly quadrupling the current multinational force of 7,000 already on station.
 |
"The decision to send additional armed forces into a war-torn area" said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, "is a move that's utterly unprecedented in the history of modern warfare. Only a sophisticated military genius such as myself could have thought of it."
French UN Ambassador Jean-Marc de la Sablière hailed it as "the best idea ever for putting a stop to civil unrest", saying that "it's too bad nobody else ever considered a similar option, because - even though I'm not a gambling man - I'd gladly bet my bloated government stipend that this decision is a sure winner."
Britain's Ambassador, Sir Emyr Jones Parry, was in complete awe of the plan. "it's almost as though the troops will be 'surging' into the area," noted Parry enthusiastically, "shooting the bad guys and protecting the innocent. You'd have to be either ignorant, dishonest, or some sort of subversive traitor to pretend this isn't the intelligent way to go."
Although completely unconnected to the decision, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called a press conference to lavish praise on this startlingly original plan.
"I'm not usually in favor of anything even remotely war-like," said Pelosi," but... DAMN!... how can you NOT love this? Freakin' BRILLIANT!"
"It's a crying shame," she concluded glumly, "that none of America's war strategists were imaginative enough to dream up something like this. We could've actually had a shot at winning this war. Pity our only way out now is to cut our losses, slink home, and lick our wounds."
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Our love is not made of bricks and mortar, but of honor and trust - making it an eternal edifice of mutual happiness.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
(click to enlarge)
[(Serial number 69696986)]
Well, it's sorta like 69, except it requires a third person. Preferably a contortionist.
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) My balls can come in many colors
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 02, 2007
MY FAMILY'S OK
Just so you know, my blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! - despite having not posted for a while AND living in Minnesota - was unaffected by the collapse of the bridge in Minneapolis. Ditto for her husband, son, friends, and family.
For those not so fortunate... prayers.
FOR THE LADIES: SEXY OR DISTURBING?
Yet another reduced-clothing fund-raising calendar:
My question: Are none of these men virile enough to grow chest hair, or are they just a bunch of pec-waxing metrosexuals?
[Hat tip: ErosBlog (sidebars contain adult content)]
He Said THAT?
(cross-posted from IMAO)
The Top 10 Gordon Brown quotes from the Bush-Brown summit:
 |
10) "Um... no, I can't help you get Harry Potter's autograph."
9) "Let me check... yes, yes I *do* have some Grey Poupon."
8) "Do you have any that ISN'T made by Lipton?"
7) "YOU think they smell bad? Try living across the Channel from them sometime!"
6) "Don't tell anyone, but the Queen actually died years ago. We replaced her with a Queen-shaped robot manned by Kenny Baker."
5) "Got any blasphemers against Allah you want knighted?"
4) "Please stop introducing me to people and saying 'what can Brown do for you?'"
3) "You can play Yakkity Sax if you want, but I'm not going to get up and chase you around the room."
2) "Tell me more about this 'reverse cowgirl'."
And the #1 top Gordon Brown quote from the Bush-Brown summit (see extended entry):
BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
Thoughts of you forever penetrate my mind. There's no escaping them. Which makes me exceedingly glad.
(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)
TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY
[new bill - not previously posted]
(click to enlarge)
[(COPA hair tax (on $1 bill from the Bahamas, featuring a band of trumpeters))]
As with nearly every event in the Bahamas, even tax collection is a festive occasion marked by music and colorful costumes.
[Hat tip: Bloggreatgranddaughter Sticks of From Chaos to Serendipity]
TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ
Here's how it goes.
The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.
The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.
I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.
Good luck.
1) Today almost everyone has relations
(see extended entry for more clues)
August 01, 2007
NOTE TO SELF: DON'T PISS HIM OFF
Hapkido of Crunch Time got his 2nd degree black belt.
Plus there's a video of him breaking bricks.
Congratulations, sir.
HARD TO NARROW THIS ONE DOWN, BUT...
Bloggreatgranddaughter Tink of Tink's Tribulations muses over the following question:
What advice would you give to your younger self?
"Do your homework."
If I'd followed that bit of wisdom, I could have easily graduated near the top of my high school class.
If I'd also handed myself a copy of "The Lively Art of Writing", (preferably somewhere in the 4th grade) I would've been AT the top. As it was, I didn't run across it until my Senior year. It was the book from which I first learned how to write essays, and it completely changed my life. Until then, I'd had now idea that there were actually learnable techniques to writing, and the bastards in charge of my public education never told me any different.
I'm still bitter about that.
Hey, Third Eye Blind used to actually be pretty good!
Joey exemplified on August 31, 2007 at 10:29 AM