GAME OVER

Nathan Fillion is on Desperate Housewives now.

Guess this means this is their last season.

(see also: Firefly, Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Drive)

I'VE HAD IT UP TO HERE WITH MIDGETS

Blogson Peter of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack has an observation that makes perfect sense and I hadn't thought of it before - about what a bad idea it is to have stumpy guys and women as street cops:

There is a certain calming effect when one looks straight out and there is a badge at eye level.

There's a reason that bouncers tend to be over 6' and 200 pounds.

WONDER WHAT DAY CONTAGION'S ON?

THE LEGO BEER SONG

A little music to drunk-blog by:

[Hat tip: Joey of Cheap Shot Entertainment]

DEPENDS ON YOUR POINT OF VIEW

So for the last couple days, I've pimped Contagion of Miasmastic Review's blogcrawl, encouraging people to get really drunk last night, then run around leaving comments.

Turns out I only managed to get half that task done myself.

Although Fritz's Wooden Nickel in Stillman Valley, IL is a great place to hang out & have a few beers, it lacked two things last night:

1) Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom, who is stuck in California right now, seething with anger and unable to find a hippy to take it out on.

2) Wireless internet

Which meant that I got the drinking part of the night done, but had to do the blogging part at home.

And by the time I finished my hour on the road, all my energy was gone, I came in the front door, left one half-hearted post, zero comments, and just fell into bed.

So basically, I did the "crawl" without the "blog", which is NOT what I encouraged others to do.

Which makes me a "hypocrite".

OR

I can notice that those who DID participate fully had a LOT of fun, which I DID encourage others to do.

Which makes me a "pleasure facilitator".

I can live with that.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE
(Introduction)

I imagine it's possible for two people to be closer than you and I. Assuming that they're Siamese twins.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

LIKE A HOLE TO CHINA

Most people would suspect that when you get a bunch of bloggers together with booze & mischief on their minds, the topics of conversation would be fairly shallow and superficial.

Not true.

They're "deeper" than that.

Much "deeper".

You have no idea.

Just ask Tammi.

BLOGCRAWL 2007 - LOGOS

3 logos for the upcoming Blogcrawl:

Pre-event pimping:

Post-event remembrance:

Something for sober participants:

Logos courtesy of Pam of Pamibe, who never disappoints with her graphics work. She designed pretty much all the graphics & logos on this site, ya know.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You ought to be bottled and sold as an aphrodisiac.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

BLOGCRAWL 2007!

What's a Blogcrawl?

That's where you get drunk and start leaving comments on every blog on the Bad Example & Frizzen Sparks Family blogrolls (Which can be found in my sidebar, assuming Blogrolling is working properly).

Last one was June of 2005.

And it's happening again this Saturday (9-29) because 1) it's been a while and 2) it's Contagion of Miasmatic Review's birthday, and this is how he wants to celebrate.

Here are this year's rules:

2) Drink as much as you comfortably feel you should. This is for fun, I don’t want to have blog fodder stories involving charcoal slurries and ER visits. Be responsible, especially if you have to drive. I’m saying right now that if you do something stupid and hurt yourself I will make fun of you. I am neither legally, morally nor ethically responsible for anything you do either in the real world or on the Internet. You are all adults and responsible for your own actions.

D) Please attempt to limit the Blog Crawl comments to the hours of 7:00PM September 29 and 7:00 AM CST September 30th. Just so it’s easier to track and the time zone differences for all the participants. Not that I’m going to link to every single post that has a comment on it, I just don’t want to search for them Sunday to see what everyone said. Oh, and a drunken post on your own blog is perfectly acceptable and encouraged. Same with day after posts.

4) Try to leave a comment on every blog in the Bad Example and Frizzen Sparks family. You may use my side bar as a reference if you don’t know who they are. Do not feel limited to these blogs only, go ahead and hit any other blog you would like as well. Oh, and a drunken post on your own blog is perfectly acceptable and encouraged.

"I am going to head down to Fritz’s Wooden Nickel in Stillman Valley to get my drunk on, I probably will not get home until after midnight. I’m planning on hitting Fritz’s between 3:30 and 4:30 PM and drinking the night away. Hey, it’s my birthday and my liver, don’t you judge me! Any and all of you that want to come and meet me there for the celebration would be great. However, if you could let me know if you plan on being there in advance I would appreciate it. That way I can give Fritz a head’s up on how many to expect. If someone does set up a chat channel this year, it’s all good. Just don’t expect me to be on there until well after midnight and even then I may not be all that active as I’m trying to make drunken comments.

Before I go to Fritz’s I’m planning on heading down to the Buffalo Range in Ottowa, Illinois. It even looks like they are having a Pig Roast on that day. See even they are getting into the Blogcrawl! There is a $25.00 range fee for shooting."

Personally, I'm really looking forward to this.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Crazy weatherman... he said it was going to be cloudy today, but all I can see is sunshine. Possibly because I'm with you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

CLARIFICATION ABOUT MY MID-BLOG CRISIS

When I said I wanted to do more writing, I meant here at Bad Example. I'm not working on writing a book or anything.

I have to say, even writing this crappy little throw-away post is more enjoyable to me than posting the same Graffiti Currency with the same caption for the third or fourth time.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Believe it or not, you actually made it onto my top ten list of favorite things. In fact, all ten items are you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

WORK WAS WORTH IT TODAY

Because I got to say this:

Coworker: It all depends on whether you see the glass as half-full or half-empty.

Harvey: The glass is chipped and I cut my lip on it.

JUST COOL

Before I even started blogging, I used to read IMAO and think, "DAMN! That's hilarious! I wish I could write like that!"

Apparently I can (follow the link and read the answer to the question about "favorite IMAO post").

I've come a long way, baby.

A LITTLE MORE ABOUT MY MID-BLOG CRISIS

I'm used to the 12-hour days. I'm not tired at work, and I'm not bored. It's challenging - but not overly so - to my organizational and communication skills.

The thing is, I only have so much time outside the job, and I can either spend it copying, pasting, and cross-posting, OR I can spend it WRITING.

I've chosen the former three out of habit for a long time.

Now I'm choosing the latter.

JUST A REMINDER

Don't let well-intentioned friends steal your dreams.

Let your ferret fly.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If loving you were a crime, a jury would have me convicted after about ten seconds of deliberation. Which is fair enough, since the evidence against me IS overwhelming.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

BEFORE I BURN OUT COMPLETELY

So, I've been working about 12 hour days for the last few weeks, plus toss in about 45 minutes (each way) commute time.

I'm exhausted all week, and it takes me half the weekend to feel human enough to even start doing any blogging, and by then, it's Sunday, and it's time to get ready for work on Monday.

I need a break.

So for starters, I'm cutting out the recycling, the copycatting, and the cross-posting at Bad Example.

No more Graffiti Currency - it's all in the archives anyway.

No more Dirty Minds Quiz - that's just typing somebody else's words from a page, which feels tedious.

No more cross-posting from IMAO - you want political humor, you know where to go. And I've heard that some load-time issues got fixed, so you don't have to wait an entire day for the front page to show up.

I *am* keeping the Daily Love Notes (for now) because I still have 3 more months worth written. Don't know if I'm continuing it next year or not.

The rest will be... whatever I'm in the mood to write.

Or not, as the case may be.

We'll see what happens.

PS Not saying I'll NEVER post in the above categories again, just saying they won't be daily features any more, because doing them daily has become not-fun.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Why do I hit the snooze button half a dozen times every morning? Because I love waking up next to you, and it's like getting a week's worth of wake-ups in one day.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

FOR TEACHERS

If you've ever taught professionally, or if training subordinates is part of your job, I recommend HapKiDo's essay that he wrote for his 2nd degree black belt, wherein he outlines his philosophy of teaching.

It's about 15 minutes if you read it straight through, but it'll probably take you longer, as it will spark you to think about how it applies to your own teaching experiences.

Good brain food, this.

BREVITY, PEOPLE

(cross-posted from IMAO)

So the Victory Caucus has this "Stand by the American Mission in Iraq" petition that says:

We, the undersigned, call on our national leaders and fellow citizens to resist calls for a premature withdrawal from Iraq and to support America's troops under the new commander, Gen. David Petraeus, as they implement a bold new strategy designed to bring a successful completion to their mission.

Which is nice, and you can go over and sign it if you want.

But I think it's WAY too wordy. Here's how I'd write it.

W,

Kill terrorists.
Stop when they're all dead.

America

Now go out and do something fun with all the time you saved by reading the short version.

Like killing a terrorist.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Most things that are delicious aren't good for you. Luckily, you're an exception to the rule.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[("20" written over the 1's in all 4 corners of the bill)]

Answer to: "What can you give a blonde stripper that'll make her really happy until one of her brunette friends explains it to her?"

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I thought loving you the way you deserve would always be so easy. Sometimes... perhaps not. But still, the effort is ALWAYS worth it just to see you smile.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Rubber stamp: Support the Seperation of Church and State www.godoffmoney.com)]

Or support the separation of idiots and rubber stamps at www.useyourdamnspellchecker.com

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

The documentary about John's presidential campaign will be titled "Edwards Sissyhands".

John Edwards loves his teddy bears, which is why - if you ask him "Ginger or Mary Ann?" - he'll answer "Skipper".

John Edwards taught Monica that cigar trick.

John Edwards created the youth organization "Edwards Scouts" for boys who like to wear skirts and sell cookies.

Grunting, sweating, heavy breathing, rapid up & down motions - just John Edwards trying unsuccessfully to operate a click-top pen.

The most common word in the English language is "the". For John Edwards, it's "pedicure".

Bonus Facts:

From Silicon Valley Jim:
The first argument in John and Elizabeth Edwards's marriage occurred when Elizabeth used John's rouge before he was done with it. He'd already done his cheeks, but hadn't done his nipples.

From Jim:
John Edwards has every one of Michael Jackson's singles. Every. Single. One!

The constant characterization of him as an effete snob makes John Edwards so angry that he wants to scream and stamp his foot.

John Edwards does not mind being called a Metrosexual. He prefers that to what he used to be called: "pantywaist".

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You know what really annoys me? Blinking - because it wastes a perfectly good tenth of a second that I could be spending gazing upon your beauty.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)



[Happy Birthday Granny - Love Pie Face]

Yes, Granny loved Pie Face, and wished that she could cherish his gift forever...

But Granny also needed a beer, and tappers were a buck a piece at the VFW...

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

If Amazon Sold Ideology

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Mind-boggling:

"Let me be clear: There is no military solution in Iraq, and there never was. The best way to protect our security and to pressure Iraq's leaders to resolve their civil war is to immediately begin to remove our combat troops," Obama said in his speech. "Not in six months or one year -- now."

Or - to put is succinctly - "The best way to protect America from terrorist attacks is to prove to the psychopathic Muslims that we'll quit fighting if they just hold out long enough".

Dumbest damn thing I ever heard.

Still, there are people who'll lap it up like a cat going after a saucer of fish guts.

Which puts me in mind of Amazon.com's helpful feature "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought".

So... "People Who Believe This Also Believe":

* Animals have rights because they feel pain, unless they're screaming fetuses.

* Being murdered by a gun leaves you more dead than being murdered by a knife, baseball bat, or socialized medicine.

* SUV's destroy the planet. That's why liberals ride in limousines.

* Patchouli is an acceptable substitute for soap.

* People should give a damn whether you're offended by something.

* Nothing's worth fighting for, except metaphorically.

* Oral sex isn't, really.

* Anything you can do in the privacy of your own bedroom you should be able to flaunt in public, except prayer.

* Free speech means that you can say whatever you want and no one is allowed to tell you what a galactic fudgepile you are for saying it.

* Despite being a socialist trough-hog with little-to-no understanding of what makes America better than other countries, Barack Obama is eminently electable, and, indeed, is the best choice among the entire current field of viable candidates.

* Besides, skin color should be taken into consideration when choosing the leader of the free world, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a filthy racist.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

No matter how quietly I actually say "I love you", know that it always comes out of my soul as a joyous shout.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[PAT - I DIDN'T HAVE A QUARTER. I HAVE A CREDIT OF III FLUSHES]

I'm getting old. I remember when flushes were only a nickel and came with free scented toilet paper.

[Hat tip: Susie of Practical Penumbra]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Noose at University of Maryland is Disgraceful!
An Editorial by Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

On the University of Maryland campus, a small noose was found hanging from a tree near a cultural center that houses the black faculty association and a black newspaper. I, for one, am absolutely outraged by this travesty!

Look at that pathetic thing! You call that a noose? The damn thing's so small, you couldn't even hang a Democrat's sense of decency with it! It took 'em two weeks before anyone even noticed it was there.

And don't even get me started on the knot at the end. Hell my mother gets closer to a Hangman's Knot when she's knitting. It's supposed to have 13 coils.

THIRTEEN, people!

How can you send a man to hell if you don't have thirteen coils?

Heck, even that turd Saddam got seven.

This miserable twist of emo-goth neck-deco didn't even have three.

Look, I understand that colleges these days mostly only teach PC BS like bi-lesbian tree-dancing and whatnot, but you'd think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101. What are these poor kids gonna do if someone steals their horse someday? You don't put a horse thief in time out! Ya hoist 'im up like a bird feeder & let the vultures do the rest.

Yeah, I know people don't ride horses anymore, but we've still got plenty of Congressmen & journalists whose necks are too short, so I think my point remains valid.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Executioning: A Career Guide For Teenagers" and "Rope: Not Just For Kinky Sex Anymore".

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Your instincts for love are so finely honed... you always seem to know exactly what I need.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)



[Davis 12x2=24]

If there were enough Bette Davis clones to fill a jury box, how many Bette Davis Eyes would you have?

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Need To Get This Off My Chest

(cross-posted from IMAO)

One important fact overlooked by Obama's persistent nattering about how we never should've gone into Iraq.

Uday and Qusay are dead.

Saddam may or may not ever started dealing wholesale with terrorists, but you can bet his boys - in their effort to outshine their father's brutal and stupid legacy - would've ramped up the anti-American rhetoric and followed it with action, whether covert or overt.

The war was worth it, if for no other reason than removing the region from the shadow of an insufferable Hussein dynasty.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Maybe it's just a trick of the light, but I swear you look younger and lovelier now than when we first met.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)


[IF YOU SAVE THIS DOLLAR AND PUT THIS MESSAGE ON 10 1 dollar bills YOU WILL BE BLESSED W/MORE $]

Yeah, and if you put this dollar in a stripper's g-string, you'll get boobies in your face.

A *much* better investment.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Top Ten Democratic Complaints About Petraeus's Iraq Report

(cross-posted from IMAO)

10) Low energy, bad lip-synching, and looks flabby in a two-piece.

9) Kept interrupting speech to hand out new contracts to Halliburton

8) Secretly replaced Ted Kennedy's gin with water, leading to an unsightly episode of DT's.

7) Repeatedly dropped second and third syllables of Bushitler.

6) Didn't demonstrate bipartisan objectivity by surrendering microphone to Code Pink protesters.

5) Forgot to acknowledge Democrats' hard work in supporting the troops.

4) Wore medals on chest instead of throwing them over a fence.

3) Tested microphone by saying "I have a plan for Iraq" in mocking, high-pitched John Kerry voice.

2) Careless omission of the words, "failure", "quagmire", and "Vietnam".

And the #1 Democratic complaint about Petraeus's Iraq report (see extended entry):

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

In my darker moments I feel as though my hopes and dreams have been scattered to the four winds. Fortunately, you're always there to help me gather them back together.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(George Washington missing face)]

Face/Off 2: Dead Presidents - John Travolta returns as Sean Archer, who must disguise himself as a dollar bill to infiltrate a counterfeiting ring in this woefully underbudgeted sequel.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

lolterizt! Part 14

(cross-posted from 9/11 on IMAO)

On this 6th anniversary of 9/11, a thought for terrorists:

We're not terrorized.

We're laughing at you.

From Tom in Knoxvegas:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

WHY I LIKE CHRIS MUIR

Because unlike other cartoonists who drew unflattering pictures of Mohammed JUST to make a point, Chris's Day by Day comic actually has a punchline, too:

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Sunsets used to make me sad - the dying of the day. Now I enjoy them since it means the start of another night with you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[1st customer 7-20-00 Porter County Fair]

Why didn't the 2nd customer get his bill marked?

Carnies can't count that high.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BEFORE MORGAN FREEMAN WAS GOD...

Roses of ACK! THBBBT! wants Electric Company ditties for her birthday.

I oblige thusly:

Tom Lehrer singing about "Silent e"

Morgan Freeman's Easy Reader

Spiderman!

Poison:

Spaghetti With a Spoon:

The Menu Song:

And my personal favorite - Tom Lehrer singing about "ly"

Happy Birthday, Roses.

BAD EXAMPLE'S BLOGGER BOOBIE BIRTHDAY BASH BONANZA - UPDATED 9-16-07

(click to enlarge)

Just wanted to show off some of my presents.

First, those who gave me exactly what I wanted:

Richmond of One for the Road who actually brought me a voluminous set of boobs covered in frosting, which I enjoyed nibbling on. It's the GOOD frosting too. The kind with so much sugar it makes your head buzz. I *love* that stuff.

Lynn of Violins & Starships who gave me something artistic AND indecent.

Pam of Pamibe whose motto is apparently "go big or go home".

Bloggranddaughter Ktreva of The Reality Ranch found a picture of that bra I designed.

Bloggranddaughter Mrs. Who of House of Zathras does a little 80's retro.

Blogstump Contagion of Miasmatic Review offers flashing footballs and a football fan.

Bloggranddaughter VW bug of One Happy Dog Speaks went dress shopping.

Bloggreatgranddaughter Tink of Tink's Tribulations combines Polish women, water, and a glass shower stall. Now THAT'S a recipe for fun [Hat tip to Pan].

Speaking of showers, Leslie of Leslie's Omnibus has a faucet upgrade.

Rachel of Pereiraville shows off some body paint. Hope it's edible.
Oh, and a cheery little birthday ditty, too.

Blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities has a picture that makes me wonder how to spell that sound I make when I shove my face between a pair of boobs and shake my head back and forth rapidly.

Blogdaughter Machelle of Quality Weenie has a shot of a woman who may shop for shoes, but never gets to enjoy them afterwards.

Blogdaughter Oddybobo has a shot of the woman who did more in the 90's to revive leather fetishism than any other human being.

Bloggreatgrandson Spurs of Pull My Finger apparently thinks I smell bad, because he left me some cologne.

Blogdaughter Michele of Letters From New York City offers boobs for a cause.

Roses of ACK! THBBBT! has a couple... um... what was I talking about?

Blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only! was too shy to post an interesting video on the virtues of Nissan's vehicle construction. Fortunately, shyness is not one of my vices.

Sandor (formerly of The Zoo and creator of the Blogosphere Political Compass Project) bought me a Great Scotch (per the Amazon donation list) and asked me to spend it on beer. Guess that means I should buy Guinness with it.

Blogdaughter/niece Sarah of That's Not Very Nice! is a little "fuzzy" on the concept of how to properly fill a bra.

Susie of Practial Penumbra - who I understand a lot better, now that I'm working 12-hour days.

Frank J of IMAO who - in a very un-Stan-Lee-like moment, revealed my secret identity.

My co-worker Yvonne - who doesn't know about this blog - had the bad timing to ask me when my birthday was on Thursday. It was a direct question, so I couldn't lie. Anyway, she bought me this Homer Simpson birthday balloon, even though she's only known me for about 2 weeks:

Blogdaughter Skippy of Boudicca's Voice.

The apparently blogless Temujin.

Blogdaughter Tammi of Tammi's World who was boob-blocked by her work computer.

The apparently blogless Fast Eddie - same story.

Blogson Peter of Shakey Pete's Shootin' Shack, who foolishly assumed that boobs have an expiration date.

Phelps of The Everlasting Phelps mocked my age, but I think he's just bitter because I told him to get off my lawn.

Blogson That 1 Guy of Drunken Wisdom, who somehow thought that Faith No More had something to do with breasts.

Jerry of Back Home Again.

Supergurl

_Jon of We Swear:

"ass"

KT Cat of The Scratching Post:

"On this day, we celebrate wildly for without your birth our lives would be as cold, dead ashes in a gutter filled with rotting leaves and some other gunky stuff that has worms swimming in it if you look at it under a microscope.

With you, there's not so many of those wormy doodads."

And finally finally, this cartoon has nothing to do with my birthday, but it kinda describes what it was like putting this post together.

Just wanted to thank everyone who participated. This is what makes getting older worth it.

NOTE: If I missed your contribution or there's a typo or screwed up permalink, just give a holler in the comments.

UPDATE 1:15 PM - Blogson Mike the Marine of From the Halls to the Shores threw a Guinness & ran away.

UPDATE 9 PM - T1G tries again, does better.

UPDATE 9-16-07 - Joan of Primordial Slack offers the firmest boobs I've ever seen.

WHEN DID THE WHITE HOUSE TAKE DOWN THE "NO IRISH" SIGN?

Matty O'Blackfive met the President.

George W. Bush is a lucky man.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

What's your secret? How DO you cram all that lovely into such a slender yet curvaceous package?

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

HAPPY 41ST BIRTHDAY TO ME!

If my life could be summed up in a single video:

[Hat tip #1: blogdaughter Teresa of Technicalities]

[Hat tip #2: Erica's Blog]

Leave appropriate gifts in the comments.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

True love is not for the timid. Fortunately, you are as courageous as you are beautiful.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(burned $5 bill)]

So... at what point in a drinker's night does setting fire to money seem like a good idea? I mean, does it come before or after "I'm gonna pick a fight with the bouncer"?

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

PRE-BIRTHDAY GIFT - GO VOTE FOR MY POST - UPDATED 9-13-07 6:30PM

Seems my upskirt shot of Kyla Ebbert has been nominated for some sort of mysterious award, and you can vote for it in the "MRQ of the Week" sidebar poll (right side, just under the Contributors List) at Real Debate Wisconsin.

UPDATE 9-13-07 6:30PM: Vote for "As long as she remembers her panties."

So far I've got 2 of the 7 votes cast. Two more and I'm in the lead.

Let's see if we can make this a blowout of Reagan vs. Carter proportions.

Thanks in advance.

PS My birthday is still Friday, and I'm still looking for boobalicious presents. See this post for details.

PARIS HILTON APPARENTLY LOVES SCREWING BY THE POOL

Or so one would gather from this picture.

[Hat tip to "She Who Needs Plausible Deniability On Sending Me The Link"]

Edwards's Bold New Plan: Fight Terrorism With Gossip!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Last Friday, presidential candidate John Edwards proposed a new international organization that would fight terror by talking about it a whole lot.

"Well *I* heard that not only can't Osama hold a job, he's hung like an acorn, too."

According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would "allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations".

"Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something," said Edwards, "beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I'm talking about."

Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. "It occurred to me," mused the Democratic candidate, "that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I'm WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There's absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn't have the same exact effect on terrorists."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. "As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he... ok, well, that wasn't a good example, but you get the idea."

President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards's plan. "We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony's crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it's going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit - except without the bucket - just like every other idea that queefing little pansy's ever had."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Sometimes I want quiet nights. Sometimes I long for adventure. I love you because you're always ready for either at a moment's notice.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Keep America clean - Eat a pigeon]

From page 26 of "Muppet Rage: Bert's Dark Journey":

"But what could make such a quiet, well-beloved, pigeon-fancier become the apotheosis of evil? No one knows for sure, but one theory - based on this bill found next to Ernie's mutilated corpse - suggests that Bert's long-time roommate may have triggered the rampage by one too many episodes of pigeon-bashing."

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

IS IT YOUR BIRTHDAY YET?

Not yet.

Friday the 14th

Instructions for celebration are in this post.

YOU HAVE THE ATTENTION OF THE OXFORD ENGLISH DICTIONARY PUBLISHERS

Nodwick just amused me.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards thinks it's weird that all his buddies' shirts button from the right.

John Edwards invented the "Eek! It's a spider!" dance.

Still on John Edwards's "unsolved mysteries" list - why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men's restroom?

John Edwards believes that "NFL" stands for "Nightly Fix of Lifetime".

John Edwards once dislocated his shoulder trying to pull apart string cheese.

When John Edwards uses a laptop, his feet fall asleep and start to turn blue.

John Edwards taught Senator Craig the "wide stance".

In college, John Edwards went through a cross-dressing phase and was once caught by his roommate while trying on a pair of men's underwear.

When he got married, John Edwards suprised his parents by keeping his last name.

John Edwards's haircuts cost $400 because he has to buy enough carbon offsets to cancel out trucking in a sufficient supply of hairspray.
[collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]

During a Celebrity Boxing match, John Edwards got his ass handed to him by a marshmallow peep.

John Edwards doesn't wear flannel shirts often, but when he does, they're usually knotted at the midriff.

Bonus Facts:

From Jim:
In an attempt to change the impression that he is effeminate, John Edwards has taken to ordering his Shirley Temple WITHOUT the cherry!

From AlanABQ:
John Edwards really does read Playboy for the articles - but ONLY for the articles.

Once long ago, a Monarch butterfly landed on John Edwards' arm & gave him such a severe sub-dermal hematoma, that for years he couldn't go frolicking through the daisies without being mortified by the sight of ANY butterfly.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.

From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn't get what's funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

For a million dollars, I'd walk a little faster. For you, I'd run.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[(glasses drawn on Lincoln)]

"You wouldn't shoot a guy with glasses, would you?"

[Caption & picture courtesy of blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only!]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

1000 OR SO WORDS ON 9/11

(reposted from 9/11/04)

Higher, please.

(click to enlarge)

The following text appears at the first link:

The following letter was written by Quent Cordair on Friday, September, 14, 2001, to our mailing list:

Dear friends, family and associates,

As a former U.S. Marine, I once carried a rifle in our defense. I've two younger brothers in the military who now stand ready to cover that end of things. The firemen, doctors, rescue personnel, blood donors, the brave New Yorkers and others on the scene are giving what they have to give to the effort. Philosophers are fighting with the pen. The artists' tools are uniquely valuable as well.

As a gallery owner, I offer what I have -- a single image to inspire, to counter the endless images of the destruction which we've all endured over the past days. This image stands in lucid contrast, in defiance of those who would destroy. It is a re-affirmation of who we are, of what we've created, of what we've built, of what we will rebuild and build higher yet, with unthwarted and unconquered determination. Those who would destroy us have not touched our essence.

My thanks to the artist, Bryan Larsen, who during the months in which others were plotting to destroy the World Trade Center, was busy creating, featuring the towers in an artwork which identifies and celebrates in theme all the towers stood for. The creation of this painting while others were targeting the painting's subject for destruction was no coincidence; there is no irony in the timing. Each side identified the WTC as a vital symbol of America in these times; one side sought to destroy that value, the other to celebrate it and build on it. In retrospect, the artwork stands in memorial. The World Trade Center was not fully appreciated, by many, until it was gone.

May this image serve as inspiration as we recover and look to the future. Please feel welcome to share it with all, to remind ourselves, and the world, of who we are, undaunted and unbeaten. God bless America, those who built it, those who will build again, and higher.

Quent Cordair

Again, I say...

Higher, please.

PORN FOR WOMEN

Fantasy + Imagery = Pornography

More highlights from the book can be found at Al Lowe's Humor Site

[Hat tip: Wizbang]

Top Ten Bush Quotes From His Visit To Australia

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Bush stopped by Australia this week to say "Howdy" to one of the few world leaders still in full possession of a spine, John Howard. Here are some quotable excerpts from his trip:

The Australian flag celebrates one of their proudest traditions.

9) "What's the deal with that big ass rock in the middle of nowhere?"

8) "Didgeridoo? Sounds more like a damn washing machine with a bad motor!"

7) "Ever notice how kangaroos look a lot like big, hairy, jumping armadillos?"

6) "Yeah, we have containers of beer this size in Texas, too, except we call them 'shot glasses'."

5) "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Howard. By the way, I thought you really got screwed over when you didn't win the Best Director Oscar for Apollo 13."

4) "Is disparaging The Boot still a Bootable offense?"

3) "Love what you've done with the country. Not bad for a bunch of exiled thieves & murderers."

2) "Yeah, I was sad to see Steve Irwin died, too. On the other hand, I had him in the TBIFOC Dead Pool, so it was actually kind of a wash.

And the #1 Bush quote from his trip to Australia (see extended entry)...

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Christmas presents, candy bars, you - things I like to unwrap.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

[new bill - not previously posted]

(click to enlarge)

[500,000]

Oddly enough, you CAN actually get five hundred grand for this.

[Hat tip: blogson GEBIV of There's One, Only!]

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

A MORE TRADITIONAL BIRTHDAY REQUEST THIS YEAR

My birthday is September 14th. I'll be turning 41.

On Friday, I will have a post up that you can link to to help me celebrate.

This year's theme... Boobs.

Specifically adult human female breasts.

Pictures, videos, discussions, jokes, games, anecdotes... whatever.

Post something, then leave a link in the comments (or e-mail it to me at harvolson-at-gmail.com) and I'll post a big round-up of your thoughtful gifts on Saturday.

QUOTE OF THE DAY

From blogson Contagion of Miasmatic Review:

Want to know why Americans are fat? It’s because "healthy", "good for you" foods are almost twice as expensive as regular food. Think I’m kidding; go shopping for "healthy" lunch meats and breads. The other reason is that the amount of time it takes to turn something "healthy" into something palatable takes forever and it still doesn’t taste as good as a bacon cheeseburger and fries that only take 15 minutes to cook.

Amen.

President Bush Visits Iraq to Protest War

(cross-posted from IMAO)

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Reuters) - In a surprise move, President George W. Bush made an unannounced trip to Iraq on Monday in order to spread his message of "peace in the Middle East NOW!".

"Give peace a chance or we'll shoot your sorry asses"

"I decided to take a page from those filthy hippies I see all over D.C.," said Bush, "marching around, undermining homefront morale, and generally stinkin' up the place. I thought 'if these sponge-brained mudpuppies really want the war to end, they should probably stop squatting where the bullets aren't flying and start talking to the screwball Koran-thumpers that are doin' the shooting'. Figured I'd start with the man in the mirror, and so here I am."

Wearing an Alanis Morissette wig and festooned with various peacenik paraphrenalia, the President marched amiably through various Baghdad neighborhoods, speaking of peace, love, and the hopelessness of the Islamist cause. He also carried a variety of signs during the day, which bore demoralizing slogans such as "War is unhealthy for children and other living things like stupid terrorists", "If you keep fighting, you'll be dead and America will STILL steal your oil", and "While you're out here fighting, your Imam is home nailing your wife".

Although locals were displeased with Bush's crude, tasteless, and unpleasantly patchouli-drenched display, they did - in an uncharacteristic display of civility - allow him to conduct his protest unmolested.

"While I certainly don't care for either his message or his aroma," said one local Al Qaeda member, "there's not much I can do about it. After all we DO have freedom of speech in Iraq. Or 160,000 well-armed American troops, which is pretty much the same thing."

When asked whether Bush's antics would dissuade him from further belligerence, the insurgent responded, "Absolutely not! I have a deep-seated belief in Allah, unshakable faith in the rightness of Jihad, and nothing will steer me away from my goal of earning my 72 virgins!".

"Except maybe a set of Girls Gone Wild DVD's. Hint, hint."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

When all pretense has been stripped away, there remains only the core of me, full of love for you.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Kill Osama]

May I recommend Death By Bulunga?

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

REVELATIONS

Kyla Ebbert nearly got kicked off a Southwest Airlines flight for wearing an outfit that was "too provocative", but they let her stay on after she adjusted her clothing to be "less revealing".

Kyla later appeared on the "Today" show to demostrate how revealing her outfit wasn't.

I thought she proved her point fairly well, as seen in the video.

Until she sat down:

Yeah... not revealing at all.

As long as she remembers her panties.

WARNING: CREEPY ZOMBIE GIRL GETS HER FACE RIGHT UP IN THE CAMERA & SCREAMS

You've been warned.

And for God's sake, turn the volume down.

GHOST CAUGHT ON TAPE VIDEO

[Hat tip: Sarah of That's Not Very Nice!]

But What Should We Call It?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Rumor has it that Osama is releasing another "taunt America" video in the next few days. Pretty impressive work for a guy who's been a crimson stain on a Tora Bora cave wall since 2001. But regardless of which malnourished wino they slap the fake beard on this time around, the fact remains that this flick needs a catchy title. I suggest one of the following:

* Osamablanca

* Osama's List

* It's an Osamaful Life

* One Flew Over Osama's Nest

* The Maltese Osama

* Osama Like it Hot

* O.T. The Osama-Terrestrial

* Dr. Osamalove

* Osamalypse Now

* Osama Side Story

* A Streetcar Named Osama

* Snowsama White and the Seven Dwarves

* A Clockwork Osama

* The Sound of Osama

* Osama Without a Cause

* Raiders of the Lost Osama

* Vertigosama

* Close Encounters of the Osama Kind

* The Silence of the Osamas

* Osama Gump

* Dances With Osamas

* Mutiny on the Osama

* Osama Rider

* My Fair Osama

* Osamafellas

* Osama Fiction

* Guess Osama's Coming to Dinner?

* Osama Doodle Dandy

* Osamadeus

BLOGCRAWL 2007

Getting drunk & blogging & commenting?

Oh HELL yeah!

September 29th. The last Saturday in September, and Contagion's Birthday.

More details, actual name of the event, and official logo to be announced.

Stay tuned.

THE ONE TIME THE PHRASE "FOR THE CHILDREN" DOESN'T MAKE ME VOMIT

From Rachel of Pereiraville:

Please go visit my ten-year-old brother’s month-old blog and my almost eleven-year-old step-daughter’s often abandoned blog. Please. Don’t just click over there, leave them a comment or two. And maybe consider checking in on them once in a while. Don’t tell them, but blogging is a great way to get them to practice their writing skills. And how great is it for them to have random strangers offering them feedback and encouragement?

Now I support children improving their writing skills, so I'm going to encourage you to go to Rachel's post and click the kids' links from there.

I'm not including the links here, because I don't want them following their refers back here.

Bad Example is NOT an appropriate place for pre-teens.

Nevertheless, I *do* want to look at Cal's Sept. 5th post, "Blah Blah Stuff", where we find the question, "Why in school they teach us all this boring stuff that you downright don't need[?]"

Well, here's the short answer:

Truth is, after you graduate, you will forget 90% of the stuff you learn in school, and it will not hurt you at all.

However, 10% of the stuff you learn will be vital to your ability to live and thrive as a successful, independent adult.

The trouble is, until you actually graduate and choose a career, it's IMPOSSIBLE to know which 10% is the stuff you'll need and which is just useless garbage.

Therefore, unless you learn it ALL, you run the risk of losing out BIG TIME in the future.

To use a video game analogy: the first time you play a game, you don't know what items or power ups you'll need to defeat the final level, so you grab everything you can when you have the chance, lest you end up without what you need at a critical moment.

Education is exactly the same.

lolterizt! Part 13

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Denver Greg:

From TomG:

From FormerHostage:

From AlanABQ:

From Handsome Bill

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Barrels of monkeys come to you for lessons in fun.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Dear "God" I Want $27,000]

And God, realizing that it was his fault for not properly filling her bra in the first place, readily agreed to spring for the implants.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

FOR A WHILE THERE, I DIDN'T THINK I'D GET MY 50 HOURS IN THIS WEEK - UPDATED 11PM

That's right. 50 freakin' hours at work during this 4-day week.

Looks like the trend may continue for a while, so weekends will probably be the only times I can keep in touch.

If you don't hear from me Monday thru Friday, don't take it personally.

UPDATE 11PM - I'd like to clarify that I'm not complaining. The fact is, my supervisor puts in at least an hour more per day than I do, and sometimes more.

Not only does he have the same 45 minute (one way) commute time I do, and he has a wife like I do, he also has a kid like I don't.

Makes it really hard to feel sorry for myself when I'm watching the guy work his guts out like that.

If he's not gonna whine about it, I'm not gonna either.

IRON PENIS

I would NOT mess with these Kung Fu artists.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Every year with you it's the same old thing - more smiles, fewer tears, and better love. I hope the monotony isn't driving you TOO crazy.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[St. Lazarus anyone who receives this bill will be blessed with lots of money if they write this on 10 other bills.]

Can't believe anyone was dumb enough to try this. Everyone knows that REAL wealth only comes from hard work and helping Nigerians.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

You + me = greatest love in history (some assembly required).

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Bruiser.com]

Not to be confused with wife-beaters.com, purveyors of fine cotton undergarments.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I'm sorry. I didn't mean to stare. It's just that you're beautiful and I'm not blind.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Happy Mother's Day 5-9-99]

Normally I only tip strippers with one dollar bills, but I felt sorry for Mom because she had to work on a holiday.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

It's Either This, or Take Up Needlepoint

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Now that Alberto Gonzales has resigned, he'll have a lot of time on his hands. How will he fill it? I speculate thusly:

* Be seen in the same room as Speedy Gonzales to finally quell the rumors about them being the same person.

* Make midnight prank calls to those jackass prosecutors who got so snippy about being fired.

* Team up with Rumsfeld & Rove to form a Rush tribute band.

* No, I meant the rock group.

* Start a grassroots organization dedicated to bringing back the IMAO podcast.

* Keep playing Minesweeper 8 hours a day, just like when he worked for Bush. That game is like CRACK, I tell you!

* Accept the role of the hilariously mis-matched Hispanic sidekick in the remake of "Dirty Harry".

* Hang out in the Home Depot parking lot with the rest of his family.

* Write his obligatory insider tell-all book, tentatively titled "Hasta la Vista, Bushy!"

* Subtitled "Pendejo Estupido"

* See if Fred Thompson is interested in making an Affirmative Action hire.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Every time we say goodbye, I start counting the seconds until we say hello again.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[(Swastika on either side of Washington, who's sporting a postage-stamp moustache)]

Before Hitler, the worst people could say about a president was that he was a little wuss who's prone to nosebleeds & liked pinwheels.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Pay no attention to what the bathroom scale says. A gem like you should have her weight given in carats, not pounds.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[IN ALMIGHTY GOD THERE'S ALWAYS LOVE]

Much better than Allah's motto - "Slaughtering the innocent since 622 A.D."

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

Bush Declares "We'll Help Iran Get Nuclear Weapons"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran's right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.

"Every nation," said the President, "whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran's President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons."

Free nuclear weapons for Iran (some re-assembly required)

"Specifically," Bush clarified, "in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts' content. Assuming their hearts haven't been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout."

Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran's nuclear program would be an international effort. "Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I've invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn't mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch."

In a Tehran news conference, Iran's President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that "even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out."

Bush responded calmly to the defiance. "I suppose Amedinejad - or 'Amy' as I like to call him - is right. Americans certainly don't seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That's why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead."

A still-defiant 'Amy' then mocked America's lack of determination in Iraq. "The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," he said. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap."

A completely unimpressed Bush replied, "Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first."

Math and Reading SAT Scores Drop, Democrats Rejoice

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America's teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party's barely-suppressed giddiness. "The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it's the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be's can barely think at all!"

Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. "If current stupidity trends continue - and, like global warming, there's no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data - the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word 'vote' is longer and more difficult than 'cat' or 'dog'."

However, some people objected to being called "mega-tard-tastic" just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:

Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

If I could design the perfect woman, she'd have your looks, your intelligence, your sense of humor, your personality... Hmmm... I guess your parents beat me to it.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[I [heart] MY MOMMA]

Coincidentally, lovin' your momma only cost ME a dollar, too.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

lolterizt! Part 12

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Handsome Bill:

From Ron Rockstar:

From George K (with a hat tip to Sondra K)

From Doug (via Steve):

From Chris:

From AlanABQ:

From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts":

From Hazel:

From FormerHostage:

From Bob in Feenicks:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

I've judged your book by its cover, and I can't wait to get my hands on your pages.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[SHELBY, we were friends before we were lovers. FRIENDS. Tell me what I need to hear.]

Fine.

"Although currently troubled by certain 'issues', Michael Jackson is a talented musician and dancer who truly deserved the nickname 'King of Pop'."

There.

Satisfied?

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)

I DON'T WANT FAIR & BALANCED, I WANT WELL-WRITTEN & ACCURATE

Blake of Laughing Wolf is going to be an embedded blogger in Iraq.

I've met the man on several occasions, and I've been reading him for a long time.

He's a class act, an excellent writer, and the good guys could stand to have his pen sticking up for them.

So I dropped a little ching in the bucket of Public Multimedia Inc. (PMI), who's footing his bills over there.

You're encouraged to do likewise.

Obama Vows to Rebuild "Chocolate City"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - In a speech Sunday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama promised to make re-building New Orleans his top priority, saying that he would restore the promise of America's "Chocolate City".

Obama stands in front of a scale model of the Chocolate Waterfall that will become a centerpiece of the new New Orleans.

"It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans," said Obama, "and President Bush has done nothing to restore this city to its former glory. I will change all that. In order to cut through the red tape of re-building, I will eliminate the cumbersome bidding process and instead award the construction contracts to whichever company finds the lucky 'Golden Tickets' hidden under the wrappers of Chocolate City Candy Bars."

"To further speed up the process," continued Obama, "we will eliminate all requirements for expensive union labor. Instead, my plan calls for the importation of the entire Oopma Loompa tribe. These small but energetic workers will get the job done in half the time of worthless Teamsters or lazy Mexicans."

"Finally, Lake Pontchartrain will be filled with delicious, creamy cocoa, while the levees will be re-inforced with millions of Snickers Bars," said Obama, drooling slightly with hunger. "I believe this will give America the Chocolate City of its dreams. A city where delicious sweets - whether red, yellow, brown, blue, or orange - will be able to live together in harmony, regardless of the color of their candy shell."

BAD EXAMPLE'S DAILY LOVE NOTE

(Introduction)

Frazzled by the storms of life's frantic obligations, I can always seek refuge in you, the ever-calm eye of my hurricane.

(CAUTION: Romantics beware - comments may contain naughtiness)

TODAY'S GRAFFITI CURRENCY

(Introduction)

(click to enlarge)

[Smile :-) God granted you another day.]

Spend part of it in church, and maybe you'll get to have tomorrow, too.

TODAY'S DIRTY MINDS QUIZ

(Introduction)

Here's how it goes.

The answer is a (more or less) completely innocent word.

The hints, however, are designed to make you think of something... not so innocent.

I'll put the first hint in the main post, and the other two in the extended entry.

Good luck.

(see extended entry for more clues)