JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards's Indian name is "Hands Like Squaw".

John Edwards uses an entire roll of toilet paper at once, since those perforations were obviously designed for Superman to tear.

John Edwards doesn't eat oatmeal for the same reason he doesn't eat marshmallows - too darn spicy!

John Edwards once caused an entire Gay Pride Parade to stop in its tracks because everyone had to pause to silence the "pegged high" alarms on their gaydars when they went by him.

If John Edwards mistakenly walks into a women's locker room, nobody will say anything. Except maybe to offer him a fresh tampon.

In high school, John Edwards was regularly beaten up and had his lunch money stolen by Napoleon Dynamite.

John Edwards started life as an orphan who was raised by wolves - pansy-ass, effeminate wolves.

BONUS FACTS:

From WSMS (lifted from the comments to this post because it tickled me so, and I wanted to share):
John Edwards is so delicate he has his wife crush up his Midol and feed it to him with a speculum.

From Richard:
The Powerpuff Girls were originally the John Edwards Girls, until John's lawyer sued for defamation of character, claiming John would never be that violent.

From John:
Angelina Jolie denies that she endorsed John Edwards for president, saying she would never support somebody prettier than she is.

From Chris:
For John Edwards, the phrase 'haircut' has two meanings. One costs him hundreds at a salon. The other results in a trip to the ER to get stitches after touching a puppy that wasn't fluffy enough.

John Edwards failed his audition for the Little Rascals because his perfect, pretty hair just didn't look "rascally" enough. Said the director, "If we ever make 'Little Faggots', we'll call ya."

John Edwards' favorite Glade Scented Candle is 'Plain'. The other ones make him dizzy from the fumes.

John Edwards is so soft because Fred Thompson 'tenderized' him.

Toilet paper engineers are working 'round the clock to create a product that is John Edwards soft.

John Edwards is taking notes from How Stella Got Her Groove Back for another run at office.

That famous Kim Carnes song was originally titled "Johnny Edwards Eyes".

When John Edwards gets that sad, puppy dog look, even Fred Thompson starts getting a little misty.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards was breastfed... till he was 7.

John Edwards has to "go commando" when he wears white slacks, because his mom taught him that panty lines are undignified.

From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's high-school classmates used to throw him fully-clothed into the shower in the boys' locker room, until they found out that he enjoyed it.

The only person who lifts the toilet seat at John Edwards's house is the maid.

John Edwards is really disappointed that there won't be an official Halloween party in San Francisco's Castro District this year, because it means he'll have to think up another excuse to hang out there.