Glenn Reynolds: The Interview

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since Instapundit recently celebrated his 5th blogiversay, I thought it would be a good time to conduct an interview with Glenn Reynolds, so as to separate man from myth with this legendary blogger.

Unfortunately, Glenn had neither the time nor the inclination to answer my questions, so I put a pair of glasses on a teddy bear, sat him on a blankie, queried him at length, and used one of the many voices in my head to supply the answers.

Figured it wouldn't be TOO different from the real thing.

GLENN: Not true. Some of the evilest people in the world use "heh". For example, terrorists frequently say "Allah Akbar!" before blowing up school buses full of kids, which actually means "heh" in whatever monkey-jabber language it is they speak.

HARVEY: Why is your blog named "Instapundit"?

GLENN: Simple linguistics - "insta" means "really fast", "pun" is something that's funny in a pathetic sort of way, and "dit" is the spoken representation of the dot - the shorter of the two signals used in telegraph code. So - short, fast, funny, pathetic... all words women have used to describe my performance. I just sort of combined them.

HARVEY: What blogs do you read regularly?

GLENN: Including Instapundit?

HARVEY: Yes.

GLENN: Just Ann Althouse.

HARVEY: You DON'T read Instapundit?

GLENN: READ it? I don't even proofread it! That blog is just the result of Thunderbird-addled baboons poking randomly at keyboards & hitting the "I'm Feeling Lucky" button on Google. Then I have a mildly retarded parrot add a link to whatever pops up.

HARVEY: So it's a lot like a Kos "Open Thread" post?

GLENN: Yes, but with slightly less frothing Bush-hatred, and better spelling.

HARVEY: What made you decide to go to law school?

GLENN: Daily beatings from my parents.

HARVEY: You were a victim of child abuse?

GLENN: Victim? NO!... the beatings were a reward. I like that sort of thing. Doesn't everybody?

HARVEY: So... when you punched Frank J. that one time...

GLENN: Right. I was telling him to keep up the great blogging work. The boy's got talent. Unlike YOU, who I wouldn't even poke in the eye with a sharp stick.

HARVEY: Are you planning a sequel to your runaway best-seller "An Army of Davids"?

GLENN: Yes, this September, I'll be releasing "An Army of Destructo-bots: How Killer Robots Empower Ordinary Evil Overlords to Beat Any Rag-Tag Army of Misfits Those Pathetic Davids Can Raise". By the way, if you haven't already, you should buy my book. I need money. Those Destructo-bots aren't going to build themselves.

HARVEY: Why should people help you to enslave the human race?

GLENN: If you buy "An Army of Davids", you get a free coupon for a swift and merciful death. Everyone else has to listen to a Glenn & Helen Podcast as the Destructo-bot slowly crushes the life out of their bodies. MUAHAHA... I mean... heh.

HARVEY: Ok... well... that wraps up this interview. I'm gonna go run out and buy me a copy of that "Armada of Duckies" thing so that your shrieky, pteradactyl-like voice isn't the last sound I hear. Thank you for your time, Mr. Reynolds, and keep up the great blogging work.

GLENN: Thanks... um... aren't you going to punch me now?

HARVEY: Sorry. I'm saving it for Frank J.... besides, I wouldn't hit a bear with glasses.

More Instapundit - Less Glenn Reynolds?

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

After returning from his recent vacation, Glenn Reynolds said:

I think the blog actually improves when I go away!

Is that really true? Let's think about it...

* Fewer creepy pictures of Glenn showing off his flexibility by licking his own toes.

* Less Ann Althouse material when she's actually guest-blogging.

* No drunken boasting about how he "taught Johnny Cochran his mad rhyming skillz"

* Don't have to see that Michael-Moore-lookin' Porkbusters pig.

* No tiresome WKC vs. AKC smoothies debates.

BETTER WITH GLENN

* If Glenn doesn't leave, we don't have to suffer through that obviously-bought-off-a-website "What I Did On My Vacation" essay when he returns.

* Always have a handy reference if you're not sure how to spell "heh".

* Or "update".

* All you have to do to get an Instalanche is give "Army of Davids" a positive review - and sign your e-mail with your Communist Party membership number.

* When Glenn leaves town, the "Page 3 Girl" pic doesn't always get updated.

By the way, Army of Davids is a great book.

82634896

Instapundit Kills Five

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Wait... that should read "Instapundit Turns Five", since his 5th blogiversary is coming August 8th.

Oh well. No time for the backspace key. Besides, I'm sure the original title will be accurate eventually.

Meanwhile, I figured I should get the guy a thoughtful gift, so as to curry his favor, allowing me to betray him after he accepts me into his confidence. Knowing how busy Glenn is what with his blogging, podcasting, book-pimping, hobo-murdering, etc., I thought I'd get him "Executive Decision-Making Dice".

Since the traditional gift for a fifth anniversary is wood, and I figure Glenn's too busy to throw TWO dice, I'm going to hand-make him a wooden 12-sider. It's a work in progress, but here's what I've got so far:

(click to enlarge)

If you have any suggestions for the other six sides, let me know.

Brewmeister Glenn

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I was browsing Instapundit recently and noticed that he recently took a trip to a brewery.

Odd... Glenn's into energy drinks, not alcohol...

Then I remembered how popular the Red Bull & Vodka mix is, and it occurred to me that Glenn might be arranging with the Downtown Grill & Brewery to start making some sort of puppy shake & beer hybrid.

Sure enough, I was right. Notice the label on that bottle near the bottom of the picture (circled in red):

(click to enlarge)

Here's a close-up:

(click to enlarge)

If you're out drinking in Knoxville, be sure to enunciate when you order your beer.

Glenn Reynolds - Legal Geniousness

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

You may not know this, but before blackmailing his way into a tenured position as a law professor at the University of Tennessee, Glenn Reynolds was head of his own law firm (Reynolds, Duzzy, Cheatham and Howe). Some accomplishments of note during those years include:

* Pioneered the "I'm not wearing a tie at all!" defense, later made famous by Lionel Hutz.

* Pioneered the rhyming defense (later made famous by Johnny Cochran) for the Rodney King beating case: "Because they're white, what they did was all right".

* Discovered flaws in Einstein's Theory of Relativity, thus making the 48-billable-hours day possible.

* Whipped up puppy smoothies during trials so as to make his clients appear comparatively less heinous.

* Installed irritating extra-buzzy flourescent lights at the office. Giggled as the number of workplace shooting incidents skyrocketed.

* Got the Scopes monkey acquitted on appeal.

* Successfully sued himself for sexual harrassment based on several incidents of staring, pointing, and laughing at his wang in the restroom.

* Took malfunctioning office fax machine out into a field and smashed it with a baseball bat as seen in Michael Moore's documentary "Office Space 9/11".

* Improved collection rates on overdue Accounts Receivable by feeding deadbeat clients to carnivorous office plants.

* Improved courtroom win-loss record by doing the same with prosecuting attorneys.

* Stopped filing "frivolous" lawsuits. Started filing "Super Happy Lucky Fun" lawsuits.

* Saved thousands of dollars in contempt-of-court fines by installing covert "witness teleprompters" in his eyeglasses.

* Cut jury-tampering expenses by 91.6% by switching to judge-tampering.

* Won a hefty alimony settlement for Michael Jackson's old nose when it divorced his face.

* Linked to every legal brief ever filed by Ann Althouse.

* Cleared President Bush of slander charges by proving that New York Times reporter Adam Clymer really WAS a major-league a**hole.

The Insta-Mailbag

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Like Michelle Malkin, Glenn Reynolds gets his fair share of venomous missives from unbalanced readers.

Unlike Michelle Malkin, surprisingly few of them are crude slurs about being a woman or a minority. Most of it is revolves around a perceived dearth of Instalanching, like this typical example:

"Why won't you link me??? Why don't you answer my e-mails??? After all the cool links I've sent you, you OWE ME!!! I HATE YOU!!! You're a stink-butt poopy-head, that's what you are!!!

PS You can make it up to me by linking this cool post I did on the Semite menace."

Aside from the "where's my link?" theme, however, the rest of his mail tends to fall into one of the several categories listed below:

Cease & Desist orders from the Precious Moments people regarding his line of "Satanic Moments" figurines - especially that "Hobo, Bloody Hobo", which is particularly nastly.

PeTA (People Eating Tasty Animals) berating Glenn for drinking animals, which is just sick and inhumane.

Long, obscenity-laced screeds from angry mothers who bought Glenn's adult movie "Tramp of the Penguins" by mistake.

The American Nudist Association trying to talk Glenn into joining their "Best of Blogging" organization: "Sleeping Naked Media".

Rejection letters from Fox saying they're STILL not interested in producing his show "So You Think You Can Robot Dance".

University of Tennessee frat boys sending death threats for selling them fake Spanish Fly. Usually containing the line "You said these were spurious. They didn't spur her on at all!".

E-mails addressed to "Professor Reynolds" wanting to know if he ever nailed Ginger while he was stuck on that island.

Or Gilligan.

Usually from Laurence Simon.

IMAO: BEHIND THE BLOG

(A Filthy Lie)

IMAO is celebrating its 4th blogiversary this Sunday and I thought this would be a good time to post an insider's perspective.

When they hear that I blog at IMAO, most people say "Oh! How wonderful to work for a man like Frank J., who oozes funny as effortlessly as Michael Moore's belly-rolls ooze sweat!"

Well, the oozing IS great, but there are... other aspects... to the position that are somewhat less glamorous. For example:

* When Frank J. refers to the "IMAO Editorial Board", he's actually talking about the two by four that he beats us with while screaming "WRITE FUNNIER!"

* Once a year, all the team members have to make a pilgrimmage to Florida to pee on his cat's head for luck.

* If you write a post that gets less than 10 comments, he makes you eat a live scorpion while he watches on a webcam.

* About once a month, Frank sends out an e-mail with the subject "I've got a GREAT idea!!!". Also about once a month, the balance in the "IMAO Bail Money Fund" drops to zero.

* When Frank J. cuts the IMAO paychecks, he writes "money for funny" on the memo line. Unfortunately, his crappy handwriting makes it look like "money for fellatio". I get the oddest looks at the bank.

In gratitude, I bought him this little gift, which I hope he finds useful:

EVIL GLENN'S INDEPENDENCE DAY

(A FILTHY LIE holiday classic)

I was strolling through the park recently when I came across a familiar socks-and-sandals-clad figure doing... something... Curious, I inquired...

Harv: Hey Glenn, whatcha doin'

Evil Glenn: GAH! Don't sneak up on me like that. Don't you ever knock?

Harv: Ok [KNOCK!]

Evil Glenn: Ow! My head!

Harv: Happy now?

Evil Glenn [rubbing rapidly swelling knot on his forehead]: It's a start. Anyway, if you MUST know, I'm setting up my Independence Day fireworks celebration by wiring bricks of C-4 to this helpless family of adorable fuzzy little bunny rabbits.

Harv: That's evil!

Evil Glenn: Lawyer.

Harv: Yeah, but this is beyond lawyer evil. It's practically French.

Evil Glenn: Like defending Saddam Hussein against war crimes charges?

Harv: Exactly

Evil Glenn: Well, I was turned down for that gig because I blend puppies.

Harv: Ah, I see, you were too evil.

Evil Glenn: Not evil enough. Jacques Verges uses an industrial paper shredder.

Harv: No wonder he's defending Saddam. Anyway, I'm going to have to stop you from harming those cute little animals

Evil Glenn: It's ok, I'm making them wear eye protection. The won't be harmed, just exploded.

Harv: Well, as long as you're taking precautions, I guess it's ok. Have fun.

Too bad Glenn's a little fuzzy on the concept of "minimum safe distance", because, when I heard the explosion, I turned around and took a picture. This is what I saw:

(see extended entry for exciting conclusion):

Get the whole bad example »

---

(click to enlarge)

Hope those bunnies are ok.

INSTAPUNO DELENDA EST!

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

by Harvey | Permalink | 0 Liars | TrackBack | Filthy Lies

$10 Million Insta-Dollars

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

In a recent Instapundit post, Glenn Reynolds mused thusly:

THE GLENN AND HELEN SHOW has been downloaded over 10 million times now. If we got just a dollar per download....

Which made me wonder... why would Glenn need $10 million?

I think the answer is fairly obvious... (see extended entry)

EVIL GLENN'S FATHER'S DAY

(A FILTHY LIE)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Recycled from a previous assignment, because this is one DAMN fine piece of work.

Set in Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, it's got lots of foul language & gratuitous violence. You've been warned...

The Trouble With Armadillos

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently at Instapundit, Glenn Reynolds opined:

Personally, I've always blamed the armadillo. Nasty creatures, armadillos. They carry leprosy, you know.

Seems like he's over-reacting a bit, doesn't it? Like he's got some sort of personal grudge against armadillos?

I wonder if this has anything to do with... (see extended entry)

Evil Glenn Says, "Happy Satan Day, Everybody!"

(A Filthy Liecross-posted from IMAO)

On Tuesday, June 6th of this year, the date will be 6-6-6, which means nothing to atheists like myself, but for Christians it has some evil, Satanic connotations.

And since Evil Glenn is Satan's #1 fan, ya gotta figure he's got some kind of celebratory activities planned.

My guesses:

* Invite Michelle Malkin over for minced-kitten brownies & puppy shakes.

* Make up a Rocky-Horror-style script of things to yell at the screen while watching "The Omen".

* Yes, that will include some made-up songs where he robot-dances in a black teddy & stockings.

* Hold a hobo-murderthon to raise money for Soldier's Angels. Recommended donation - a buck a bum.

* Launch doomsday missile while shrieking insane laughter.

* Direct the remake of Serenity with a politically correct script.
MAL: "I aim to misbehave."
ZOE: "But Mal! You might hurt someone's feelings!"
MAL: "Didn't think about that. I better put myself in time-out until I calm down a mite.

* Go to a local park and blow up 62 hobos with illegal fireworks. If caught, claim that it was a celebration of the 62nd anniversary of D-Day.

* Sign up for classes to get his doctorate in Mad Science.

* Set off Cthulhu's alarm clock so that he'll be dead but awake.

* THAT'LL show that stupid, lazy elder-God.

* On-line Ouija board marathon!.

* Smugly admit to Frank J. that HE'S the one who's been re-programming his fruit-picking robots to turn on their human masters.

* Pilfer the demon currently possessing Helen Thomas for his own personal use.

* Just give up and let the voices in his head take over.

NSA Monitors Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Since I firmly believe in watching the watchers, I've bugged the NSA office and overheard the following conversation between agents Jack Boot and Eve Drop regarding their efforts to analyze phone records from the major telecom companies:

EVE: Unwad your panties, Jack, it's SIMPLE. All ya gotta do is just twist the data to fit your agenda and you can prove that ANYONE is evil.

JACK: Sorta like how the Democratic Underground trolls keep "proving" that Bush is Hitler?

EVE: Exactly... Here, let me pick a name at random and show you how it's done... AH! This Glenn Reynolds fellow will do...

JACK: Instapundit? But he's a right-wing warmonger! He doesn't fit the profile!

EVE: Look, strip-club-visiting muslims don't fit the profile either - except for the 9/11 hijackers! Ya gotta be willing to follow the evidence wherever it leads, even if you have to drag it kicking & screaming to get it there. Now, let's look at his phone records.

JACK: Here's a call to a "Mrs. Reynolds" in another city. Probably his mother.

EVE: AHA! Obviously calling to tell her goodbye before his terrorist suicide mission!

JACK: It was on Mother's Day. EVERYONE called their mother on Mother's Day... except NSA agents who had their mothers killed [gives Eve an accusatory glance]

EVE: She knew too much!... Anyway, that Reynolds is a crafty devil, timing his call like that so that we wouldn't be suspicious! Which is the most suspicious thing you can do.

JACK: Not as suspicious at THIS group of calls... must be a hundred of 'em to someone named HP. Who the heck is HP?

EVE: GOTTA be Hezbollah of Palestine! No other organization has those initials!

JACK: What about Hamas of Palestine?

EVE: That cagey BASTARD! Trying to throw us a curve with a dual-use acronym!

JACK: Either way, he's got terrorist connections. Now all we have to do is figure out where he plans to strike & how.

EVE: Hmmm... a call to Black & Decker... coffee maker division...

JACK: Of COURSE! He's going to use the timer from the coffee maker as a bomb trigger! It's the ONLY explanation! EVERYONE knows that obscenely rich best-selling authors normally only drink Starbucks coffee that's been hand-delivered by illegal Mexicans!

EVE: You mean Canadians - there are some jobs that are so demeaning that even Mexicans won't do them.

BOB McKENZIE: Here's yer coffee, eh? That'll be, like, 5 beers?

EVE: Here's a six-pack and a toque. Keep the change.

BOB McKENZIE: Beauty! I'm gonna take off, eh?

EVE: Yeah, get outta here, freak...Anyway, Jack, we know HOW he'll strike, but that information is useless unless we know the target...

JACK: Wait... I see a pattern here... he's called the Memphis Canine Rescue Shelter every day for the last... well... since the telephone was invented.

EVE: That MONSTER! Targeting innocent puppies! What sort of deranged freak would want to explode puppies into a thick - almost drinkable - liquid?

JACK: Who cares? All that matters is that we now have undeniable proof of his insidious plot! The evidence is rock solid! This one's a slam...

[phone rings]

EVE: NSA Civilian Entrapment Project. Eve Drop speaking... uh huh... uh huh... oh... oh, I see... thank you...

[hangs up]

JACK: ...DUNK! He's going down like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Bad news. That was the Director. Seems that this phone number database we've been using is phony. BellSouth, AT&T, Verizon... they ALL deny giving us any information. Seems that only telecom that provided us with anything was Bell Alliance. We've been had.

JACK: DAMN! Now Reynolds is going to get away scott free! Just like a Kennedy driving an Oldsmobile into a lake!

EVE: Calm down, Jack... sooner or later, he'll make another mistake. We'll nail him eventually...

JACK: So... wanna hack into John Murtha's credit record and put in some unpaid escort service bills?

EVE: Jack, I *love* the way you think...

...always watching...

Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure

(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

The New InstaPodcast - Don't Bother

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

All he does is spend 90 minutes pimping his new book:

(click to enlarge)

On the other hand, I kinda like his new intro music, which is a dozen bars of "How Much Is That Doggie In the Window" that's cut short by the sound of a blender on "liquefy".

InstaBunny - A Love Story

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Five years ago, at a Las Vegas Furry Convention, Glenn Reynolds met the love of his life, Bonita Bunny:

(click to enlarge)

Today they live in Memphis with their three children:

(click to enlarge)

You may have noticed that Glenn lets his kids guest-post from time to time.

[top pic courtesy of Cadet Happy]

A Message To Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Glenn received a copy of "King Dork" in the mail, his secretary wondered if someone was maybe trying to tell him something.

Which leads me to wonder what I should send to drop him a hint. A sort of subtle intervention, as it were.

For example...

This book says "it's time for you to get some help for your liquified canine addiction":

***

This book says "your last human sacrifice managed to leave a trail of clues, although you would've gotten away with it if it handn't been for those meddling kids."

***

This book says, "if you're going to practice a religion, then practice it religiously."

***

This giant flag featuring every protester's favorite dead 3-letter-name commie says "Mao is SOOOOOO 20th century. Get hip. Get trendy. Get sex from slutty hippy chicks. Get Che."

***

This book says "if you're going to punch Frank J., for Heaven's sake, do it right."

***

This CD says "how you dance is none of our business, but please do it in the privacy of your own home".

***

This 2006 Calendar says "I won't judge you, even though I disagree with your 'choice of lifestyle'"

***

And finally, this T-shirt says "wear one of these, and people will stop calling you King Dork."

Instapundit's Exciting Weekend

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Saw this at Reynolds' site:

my younger brother worked as an assistant there, boiling down corpses in turpentine with his grad-student girlfriend. Now that's an exciting weekend...

Giving his hobo-murdering habits, this one isn't TOO surprising, but it does make me wonder what ELSE this guy does for fun.

Unfortunately I found out. Turn's out he's going to be spending THIS weekend at a ski resort in Vail, Colorado, indulging in one of his favorite recreational sports:

EXTREME PUPPY BLENDING!

Now that's an exciting weekend...

Why Glenn Reynolds Loves His Grandma

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

While surfing Instapundit, I was stopped dead in my tracks by this line:

"I've been hanging out with my grandmother, and enjoying it."

Odd. Outside of eating her chocolate chip cookies, I never enjoyed MY grandmother's company. Although her habit of balancing her dentures on her nose, tossing them up in the air, and catching them in her mouth may have had something to do with it.

Anyway, turns out that there are two reasons Glenn enjoys visiting Granny so much.

First, she always takes him out hobo-hunting:

"Look! It's Nick Nolte! Let's get 'im!"

Second, Elly May is totally freakin' HOT!

Now before you go "EWWWW! She's his cousin! That's just WRONG!", just be relieved that it's not his sister.

Not that THAT matters in Tennessee.

CTHULHU IN A BUSINESS SUIT

(A Filthy Lie)

I always suspected Evil Glenn was just too evil to be human, but in today's User Friendly comic strip, I finally have proof.

Sure, they don't specifically mention his name, but who else would a c-list blogger send an e-mail to?

Everything You've Always Wanted to Know About Instapundit, But Were Too Afraid to Ask

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Sure, you know about the puppy blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshipping, commie praising, robot dancing, Frank J. punching, and penguin porn, but here are some things you DIDN'T know about Glenn Reynolds:

* Glenn Reynolds writes Garfield fan-strips, all of which end with Odie getting stuffed into a blender.

* They're STILL less predictable than the ones Jim Davis writes.

* You know that asteroid belt between Mars & Jupiter? That used to be a planet until Glenn Reynolds thought about linking to it.

* The KKK was completely harmless until Glenn Reynolds suggested that they put eye-holes in their hoods.

* Spammers originally got the idea for sending out a million e-mails per day by watching Glenn Reynolds post at Instapundit.

* It was Glenn Reynolds who first said to William Hung - "You've got talent. Go audition for American Idol."

* Satan's biggest fear is that he'll have to spend eternity with Glenn Reynolds after he dies.

* Glenn Reynolds' glasses are the only thing keeping his laser vision from incinerating the universe.

* Glenn Reynolds once deflected a Chuck Norris roundhouse kick by thinking about linking to it.

* Glenn Reynolds murdered Socrates by telling him his cup of hemlock was actually a Starbucks Iced White Chocolate Macchiato

* Nuclear bombs fear Glenn Reynolds going off on them.

* There's more than one way to skin a cat, and they were all discovered by Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds is the leader of the terrorist group Hehmas.

* One drop of Glenn Reynolds' bath water contains enough residual evil to de-sanctify Vatican City.

* Puppy blood is the secret ingredient in Insta-Cola.

* When CNN interviews Glenn Reynolds, they have to put special filters on the camera lenses, lest TV viewers be turned to stone.

* As for the fate of the audience in the studio... now you know where garden gnomes come from.

* Glenn Reynolds' remote control only has one button. When he presses it, his TV automatically tunes to the evilest show available.

* Usually "Full House".

* Glenn Reynolds' printer is a Hewlett-Packed BloodJet model 900.

* Spelling "Glenn Reynolds" on a Scrabble board will summon the demon Atazoth who - legends say - will exact retribution on the Overworld by getting Hillary elected in '08.

* Google recently changed their motto to "Don't be Glenn Reynolds".

* Glenn Reynolds personally hand-stitched Janet Jackson's Superbowl outfit.

* The blind leading the blind isn't so bad... Glenn Reynolds likes leading them into traffic during rush hour.

* In Glenn Reynolds' DVD collection, "Schindler's List" is filed under "Comedy", right between "Saw 2" and "Scream".

* Glenn Reynolds taught Senator Palpatine how to do that fingertip-lightning thing.

* The Lemarchand Box in "Hellraiser" is a device used by Cenobites to summon Glenn Reynolds.

* Glenn Reynolds never thought about linking to Martha Stewart, but he DID send her an e-mail on December 26, 2001, that was completly blank except for the word "Sell".

* Glenn Reynolds introduced Bill to Monica.

* Good things come to those who wait - unless Glenn Reynolds steals them first.

* Glenn Reynolds never actually punched Frank J. - he got Frank J. to punch himself by thinking about linking to him.

Glenn Reynolds PR Flack on CNN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

In an apparent effort to clean up his image, Glenn Reynolds hired a Public Relations agent to try to spin his image so he doesn't look quite so much like the blackhearted dominar of the blogosphere that we all know him to be. Here's a transcript of the CNN "On The Story" interview with info-hottie Abbi Tatton:

TWIST: Pleasure to be here with you today, since I really dig chicks with big hair. Anyone ever tell you that you look a little like Monica Lewinsky?

ABBI: [giggles] Flatterer!... but seriously, what's up with that puppy blending thing?

TWIST: A rumor wrapped in a falsehood inside a distortion. While Mr. Reynolds DOES frequently put puppies in blenders and grind them into a bloody pulp, it has nothing to do with the supposed "consuming their cuteness for energy" that's usually ascribed to it. He only does it to prevent the spread of Bird Flu. This dangerous disease threatens all of humanity and recently jumped from birds to weasels. Reynolds discovered that it's now affecting dogs:

and he's just trying to save the world from disease-ridden mutants, sort of like when Darth Vader blended the Jedi Younglings in Star Wars Episode III in an attempt to save the Old Republic.

ABBI: I see... what about the Robot Dancing?

TWIST: Glenn Reynolds believes in celebrating multicultural diversity, and as part of his Black History Month festivities, he showcased several dance styles - like the Robot Dance - made popular by great African-American entertainers like MC Hammer, Michael Jackson, Vanilla Ice, and Donny Osmond. It's his way of fighting back against racism.

ABBI: But doesn't he usually do his Robot Dancing while praising communists?

TWIST: You know, Abbi, great African-American leaders such as Dr. Martin Luther King were also frequently smeared as communists by the racist right-wing media, and I'm disappointed by your crass perpetuation of this bigoted myth. Thank God for the pioneering work of Mr. Reynolds. With his help, the healing can finally begin.

ABBI: What about the Satan-worshipping?

TWIST: Another attempt at prejudicial fear-mongering. His religious services are frequently described as "Black masses in service of the Prince of Darkness", but surely you can see that "black" and "darkness" are just racist code-words used by the white Republican power structure to promote negative stereotypes against our melanin-enhanced brethren.

ABBI: So you're saying President Bush is a skinhead Neo-Nazi because he worships God?... Well, I guess that explains why he blew up the levees in New Orleans... What about Glenn's habitual punching of Frank J.? Is that a symbolic blow against the white Republican power structure?

TWIST: No, it's just fun to make Frank J. cry like a girl.

ABBI: I see... Well, that's all the time we have today. Join us next week here at "On The Story" when superstar blogger Michelle Malkin will be sharing her recipe for minced kitten brownies.

Glenn Reynolds - What's He Hiding?

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Instapundit covered the "Ricin in Texas" story, he was amazingly quick to dismiss it as nothing.

Which makes wonder how he knows so much about illicit items such as this that he could confirm or deny its legitimacy from a thousand miles away. Isn't that more knowledge than a simple country lawyer should have?

Made me wonder what he's been up to, so I tossed his house while he was out pimping his book, and although I didn't find any chemical or biological weapons, I *did* find the following suspicious items:

* An original vintage 1960's Easy Bake Meth Lab.

* A copy of John Wayne Gacy's "Clowing For Dummies".

* A Samurai sword forged in 593 B.C., with the metal in the blade folded over 200 times.

* A first edition of "To Serve Man", in the original Kanamit.

* The shrunken head of Steven Den Beste.

* Twenty seven eight-by-ten colour glossy photographs with circles and arrows and a paragraph on the back of each one explaining what each one was.

* Michele Malkin's minced kitten brownie recipe.

* A "Tickle Me Osama" doll.

* A small vial of something which I did not smell, and therefore assume to be Iocane powder.

All I have to do now is figure out what he plans to do with all this stuff...

Mythbusters Does Instapundit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Discovery Channel has a show called "Mythbusters" wherein special-effects experts Adam Savage and Jamie Hyneman examine popular urban legends, constructing elaborate experiments to determine whether they have any basis in fact. For example, if you use a bullet in place of one of your truck's fuses, can it go off and shoot you?

Recently, Adam & Jamie undertook one of their most intriguing investigations to date: Does the cuteness of a puppy actually effect its potency as an energy drink, as claimed by Glenn Reynolds?

First, test puppy A:

Wow! That's one ugly puppy!

After thorough blending:

The beverage was fed to an anonymous test subject, known only as F.J.:

Hmmm... doesn't look too energetic...

Next, test puppy B:

Blend! Blend! Blend:

What does F.J. think about this one?

And there you have it folks, Glenn Reynolds was right: "the cuter the puppy, the better the energy drink"

Be sure to check out Mythbusters next week when they investigate whether worshipping Satan can make your crappy book rise to #1 at Amazon.

Glenn Reynolds Proves His Point

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

During a recent interview on CNN, Glenn took the Legacy Media to task for not showing the infamously offensive Muhammed cartoons, saying "I think when you cover things up, you let people's imaginations run wild, and the results are often worse than if you expose things. The press is there to tell us things, not to hide things from us."

Ironically, CNN proved Glenn's point by omitting the portion of the interview where Glenn held up this controversial political cartoon:

Also omitted was footage of journalists rioting outside the building after the interview, where an ugly puppet of Reynolds was burned in effigy.

I know I'm risking my life by posting these pictures, but if I don't, then the journalists win.

Instapundit Issues Fatwa

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

After this controversial picture of a young girl holding a stuffed puppy appeared on the CENTCOM web site, the leader of the Instapundslam religion, Imam Glenn al-Reynolds, issued a fatwa condeming the image:

"The central tenet of Instapundslam is that puppies should be blended to make potent energy drinks for the blogging faithful. It is blasphemy of the highest order to depict them in any form that is either adorable or unblended. This cuddly manifestation of our sacred power source is an affront to our beliefs. We demand an apology and the immediate pureeing of this unholy fluff-filled icon. Hmmm. Heh. Jihad. Indeed."

Imam Glenn al-Reynolds

The heart-warming image of the loveable tot and her cherished toy has provoked uncontrolled rioting and robot-dancing world-wide by outraged Instapundslamists.

Blogger Michelle Malkin denounced the fatwa as "the fevered rantings of a power-hungry, Satan-worshipping, hobo-murdering madman", and encouraged bloggers everywhere to protest al-Reynolds' pronouncement by posting pictures of themselves snuggling with stuffed animals and sending a trackback to her site.

"Honestly," said Malkin, taking a bite of a brownie made from minced kittens, "what kind of wacky religion would drink blended puppies?"

ILLOOGLE

(A Filthy Lie)

Sometimes I really regret signing up for Instapundit's mailing list. Every day it seems like my inbox is bogged down with notices about his latest illicit get-rich-quick scheme.

Like this one, for example:

Now that Google has cast aside its foolish "core belief" of "don't be evil", I've been able to partner with them to bring you:

ILLOOGLE!™

A clearinghouse for information on all the illegal, immoral, questionable, offensive, and/or downright shady products and services offered by Evil Glenn Industries, Inc.

With the power of Illoogle™, you'll have access to:

Pup-A-Mule - Tired of risking your loved ones' lives by having them swallow heroin balloons? With Pup-A-Mule, you can turn any puppy into your own personal 4-legged drug importation vector. Kit comes with surgical steel scalpel, Ziploc brand re-sealable HeroIn Bags, and Arrow brand tummy-stapler for post-insertion closure.

Legal Notice: Not responsible for personal injury due to unremoved tummy-staples in puppy shakes.

Sacra-Hobo - Need a human sacrifice to appease your Satanic master's need for fresh blood? You could shop your local Screen Actors Guild Union Hall (it's not like anyone would miss a Tim Robbins or two), but why not let us deliver a US Grade A Government Select hobo right to your door, instead? Bound, gagged, and pre-inebriated to reduce struggling, these pathetic creatures are accepted as payment on soul-for-power contracts by most major evil deities.

Legal Notice: Be sure to check your soul-for-power contract for specific terms and conditions. Not responsible for unspeakable afterlife torturings resulting from contract breaches.

Mo-ha-ha-ha-med - Live in a country that's caved in to terrorist demands to censor cartoons that make fun of Islamic prophets? Look no further than the Mo-ha-ha-ha-med web portal, where you can find all the funniest portrayals of the head-choppingest, child-bride-takingest, bomb-for-a-turbinest prophet that ever wrote a Koran. Don't let YOUR cowardly government control what you can and can't see. Use Mo-ha-ha-ha-med and take a firm stand for free speech!

Legal Notice: Not responsible for renegade JOOOOOOS! having fatwahs issued against them.

CommieTruth.com - Ok, I lied. Screw free speech. APPROVED speech is where it's at. CommieTruth.com is the only search engine guaranteed to provide the 100% capitalist-pig-opinion-free information that my Maoist masters feel that it's safe for you to know. After all, those guys are smart enough to oppress 1.3 billion people. You've probably never even oppressed a goldfish, so who the hell are YOU to say that rude little Tiananmen Square rumor is true? Huh? HUH?... that's what I thought... you just keep your yap shut, little man.

Legal Notice: YAY! Commies!

Sa-Tan-A-Rama Soul-For-Power Contracts
Hmmm, Heh, & Indeed - Shysters at Law
Frank J. Punchers Anonymous
Ann Althouse hOt aMaTeUr Webcam
Pez! Pez! Pez! (from the makers of Soylent Green)

Plus hundreds of other specialty sites, only available through:

ILLOOGLE!™

Glenn Reynolds Hijacks Pluto Spacecraft!

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Did you see Instapundit's post on the New Horizons probe that was launched toward Pluto? He seemed quite indifferent about the whole thing, which is - for a dweeby techno-geek like him - VERY suspicious.

Thanks to some NSA eavesdropping transcripts, I found out why Glenn was trying to avoid drawing attention to the launch beforehand. He had a sinister plot for using the New Horizons ship for his own nefarious purposes. Specifically, he's going to use it to murder hobos to curry favor with Satan in order to maintain his position as the most powerful blogger in the world (as foretold by The Prophet Frank J.).

Yeah, I know how unbelievable it sounds, but I have proof. Glenn sketched out his plan on the back of a napkin during a recent trip to the Memphis Zoo. I stole it while he was busy staring at the penguins & mumbling something about "pretty, pretty feathers".

Evidence in the extended entry with Glenn's notes in italics...

Get the whole bad example »

---

1) Steal super-secret S.M.I.T.E. technology from Frank J. and use it to build the Space Platform for Hobo Elimination, Removal, and Eradication (S.P.H.E.R.E.)

2) Sneak S.P.H.E.R.E. aboard New Horizons ship.

3) Have New Horizons ship deploy S.P.H.E.R.E.

4) Murder hobos from space, thus currying favor from Satan and maintaining my cruel stranglehold on the blogosphere.

5) Blog with minimal commentary and link any crappy post I want, with no fear of losing traffic.

---

Yeah, I thought he was already doing that last one, too.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go shave my stubble.

*looks worriedly skyward*

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

It is bad enough that we have to sleep with the dogs and guns to keep them from being blended. The dogs, not the guns.
Now I have to shave even thogh I am retired?
Damn you, Reynolds!

Peter exemplified on January 30, 2006 at 07:11 PM

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

» links with: eminem dig in mp3 download

by Harvey | Permalink | 1 Liars | TrackBack | Filthy Lies

Totally True Tidbits About Glenn Reynolds' DNA

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

After being discovered in Los Angeles surrounded by a pile of recently-sacrificed hobos, Glenn Reynolds underwent a DNA test to see if he was the real killer.

Well, you KNOW what happens to DNA evidence in trials for murders committed in California, so Glenn walked, based on the fact that his hobo-murdering gloves were two sizes too small.

Ah, the power of washing things in hot water.

Nevertheless, I *did* manage to get ahold of a copy of the lab report on Glenn's DNA, from which I compiled these:

While most humans have 98% of their DNA in common with a chimp, Glenn is 99% poodle.

Glenn's DNA will begin robot dancing if exposed to pure commie evil and/or Ted Kennedy.

Glenn's DNA was once shot a man for snoring too loud.

Remember that mobile weapons lab they found in Iraq? It was used for manufacturing Glenn's DNA.

Most people have Adenine, Guanine, Cytosine, and Thymine making up their DNA sequences. Glenn has Iodine, Einsteinium, Nitrogen, and Dysprosium, with the most common sequence being "I-N-D-E-E-D".

If Glenn's DNA bites you, you will start blogging by the next full moon.

If you're already a blogger, you will launch a blog ad consortium called "Lingerie Media" which people will make fun of.

Glenn's DNA made a cameo appearance during the Cantina scene in Star Wars. Look closely while Luke is talking to the bartender.

Glenn's DNA is used as currency in Iraq, although they pronounce it "dinar".

DNA tests prove that Glenn Reynolds and Michele Malkin are identical twins, but in an Arnold Shwarzenegger & Danny DeVito kinda way.

The secret ingredient in Underdog's "Super Energy Vitamin Pill" was Glenn's DNA. How's that for irony?

Traces of Glenn's DNA were found all over New Orleans, leading to speculation that Hurricane Katrina was caused by Glenn's typing too fast.

Glenn's DNA shows scars from where he had the "basic human decency" gene surgically removed.

Extensive testing on Glenn's DNA reveals that he's the real father of all those creepy "Village of the Damned" kids.

Glenn's DNA is featured prominently in the "Organic Chemistry Gone Wild: Spring Break" DVD.

Glenn's DNA released a rap album under the name "Vanilla Splice".

Injections of Glenn's DNA will cause a laboratory rat to grow inside a cancerous tumor.

If you're attacked by Glenn's DNA, point behind it and shout, "Look! An unlinked Ann Althouse post!". Flee when it turns to look.

Due to a defect in the 23rd chromosome, Glenn's DNA can NOT be trained to walk down stairs like a Slinky.

"What walks down stairs, alone or in pairs, and makes a slinkity sound?"... GAH! Now I can't get that stupid song out of my head!

Glenn's DNA always cries at the end of "Old Yeller".

Oh, wait... that's for Kennedys.

Nevermind.

First Issue of Instapundit's Magazine Hits the Stands

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

As his lust for power consumes him, Glenn Reynolds continues to stretch his Empire beyond the blogosphere, and begins to insinuate his corrupting tendrils into the world of print media.

Cover shot of issue #1 in the extended entry...

TRUE SIGN OF ARMAGEDDON

Richmond of One for the Road thinks that a thundering rainstorm during January in Wisconsin might be a sign of Armageddon.

Probably true, expecially combined with the Packers losing season.

However, the best way to check for the end of the world - as with ANY news story - is to see what Instapundit's talking about. If you see something like this:

Ann Althouse has some interesting thoughts on Armageddon. Indeed.

UPDATE: Michelle Malkin has a round-up of excellent Armageddon links.

UPDATE: Heh. I've just been trampled by an apocalyptic horseman, so blogging may be light

UPDATE: The trampling video is now available at The Political Teen.

it's time to start worrying.

New James Bond Movie

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When I first heard that Glenn Reynolds would be starring as the villain in the new James Bond movie, I thought it was a bad choice. Maybe not as horrid Richard Kiel's performance as "Jaws", but still...

Anyway, the official poster for the new flick is in the extended entry. Check it out & see if you think Reynolds has any potential.

EVIL GLENN'S NEW YEAR

(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2006... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about these 284 posts?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! I'm trying to cut down... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2006.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to post whatever I want at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you'll be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go, um... milk the cow.

[click]

I didn't know Evil Glenn had a farm...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

How Evil Glenn Stole The Christmas Assignment

(A Filthy Lie)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

...for what's in the extended entry...

JUST BECAUSE IT'S A FILTHY LIE DOESN'T MEAN IT'S NOT TRUE

Where does Evil Glenn go for shivering-hot penguin porn?

Why, Pajamas Mediocrity, of course.

Which - let's be brutally honest - has more entertainment and/or instructional value (not to mention a better URL) than the site it's parodying.

Congratulations on more mayhem, Phin.

Evil Glenn Plans Wedding Crash!

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

When Frank & Sarah get married, there's one thing they'll have to watch out for... (see extended entry)

Get the whole bad example »

---

(click to enlarge)

Glenn Reynolds trying to upstage the bride.

Remember, Frank, Sarah will be the pretty one. Try not to get confused.

UPDATE: Here's an actual post about the wedding.

« I learned my lesson, now go away!

See better examples »

ROFL!!!!! Nice photography! ;)

Susie exemplified on December 13, 2005 at 09:48 AM

agh! my eyes!

sarahk exemplified on December 13, 2005 at 03:20 PM

« Those sucked... Get rid of 'em!

by Harvey | Permalink | 2 Liars | TrackBack | Filthy Lies

Glenn Reynolds at the Airport

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

This week's Filthy Lie Assignment was to answer the question:

What was Evil Glenn's connection to the mob that attacked the New York Air desk at Washington National Airport?

Turns out there was no connection at all.

Seems Glenn was just trying to catch a flight to Iraq so that he could share Thanksgiving dinner with the troops, as seen in this completely non-photoshopped image:

The unruly mob?

They all wanted to get tickets to Amazon.com's headquarters in Seattle, so they could... discuss... why their 1-star reviews of Cindy Sheehan's book got deleted:

The Cruelty of Glenn Reynolds

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently someone asked me, "Hey Harv, how come you're always picking on Glenn Reynolds? You nursing some kind of grudge for something he's done to you?"

So what else could I do but answer him?...

...With a song...

My dog was blended by this man
He whizzed into my garbage can
Ate my goldfish, smashed my table
Told Time-Warner that I stole cable

Made off with my credit card
Burned his name into my yard
Ate my cookies, cracked my eggs,
Tattooed peace signs on my legs.

Put pop cans in my microwave
Spit upon my grandpa's grave
Buried hobos in my cellar
Told bad jokes 'bout Helen Keller

Wrapped my car around a tree
Gave me clap - it hurts to pee!
Made my new computer crash
Put borax in my cocaine stash

Drained my laptop battery
Robot-danced on my TV
Ate my Twinkies, greased my slide
Shaved my kitten's underside

Didn't link my funny post
Sprinkled dandruff on my toast
Punched Frank J. and made him cry
(No, wait... that makes me like the guy)

Grafittied my walls, stole my wallet
Made me lose my otherwise impeccable talent for meter and rhyme
"Love thy neighbor"? Surely you jest!
INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

LIGHT BLOGGING AT INSTAPUNDIT EXPLAINED

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Glenn Reynolds recently apologized for a spate of light blogging at Instapundit, claiming to be "busy" with his new book. However, recent leaks from Scooter Libby show that he was actually working on a viable "exit strategy" to bring the troops home from Iraq, which the House is voting on tonight. The full text of the strategy follows...

2) Observe Iraqis - note who cheers at the announcement.

3) Help cheerers celebrate with a White Phosphorus fireworks display that "somehow" goes horribly wrong.

4) Finish installing Iraqi democracy.

5) Immediately withdraw US troops.

Notice of Class Action Lawsuit

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Just got a letter in the mail today:

Since the earliest days of the American Republic, people have looked up into the night sky with awe and wonder, seeking hope and inspiration for their lives as they contemplated the heavenly lights, the most brilliant and uplifting of which is... The Moon.

Yet there are those who - in their desperate quest for filthy profits - would desecrate this sacred symbol of ancient wisdom.

Like Frank J., of IMAO who proudly - PROUDLY! - displays a picture on his site of our precious moon being atomically violated:

This atrocious sight has been clinically proven to induce Post-Traumatic Nuclear Moon Syndrome in those viewing this image. Symptoms of PTNMS include:

* Fear of looking up at the night sky
* Attacking Iraq to steal its oil
* Uncontrollable urges to blow stuff up in order to keep other countries in line.

If you or someone you love exhibits any of these PTNMS symptoms brought on by Frank J's reckless moon abuse, you may be entitled to compensation. Just send an e-mail to EvilGlenn@emptythedeeppockets.com explaining how your life has been decimated by irresponsible luno-nuclear photoshoppery and let me help you along the road to healing.

And MONEY!

[signed]
Glenn Reynolds

Glenn Reynolds is nothing but a vile, avaricious, gold-digger! Show your support for IMAO by buying a Nuke The Moon T-shirt today. $1 from every sale will go directly to the IMAO Moon-Nukers Legal Defense Fund and/or toward buying SarahK shiny, pretty things.

BROADWAY GLENN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard Reynolds produced a new Broadway musical, loosely based on T.S. Eliot's book of poems, "Old Hobo's Book of Puréed Puppies" or something... (see extended entry)

HMMM... NEEDS MORE NAZI...

(A Filthy Lie of sorts cross-posted from IMAO)

Laura from Can't Keep Quiet took a look at logo for the Alliance of Free Blogs:

and decided that it looked a lot like a certain Nazi logo:

dropping broad hints along the way that of course a bunch of fascist right-wingers would choose a Nazi symbol to represent their organization.

Being as she's liberal, she is - by definition - completely and inarguably correct in her analysis.

In fact, it's time for Alliance to goose-step out of the closet and go with the logo that we'd REALLY like (see extended entry):

Whaddya think?

EVIL GLENN'S ALIEN

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Some of you may have seen this Day By Day cartoon and wondered, "Why does Glenn Reynolds have an alien living at his house?"

Turns out it's not REALLY an alien. It's Phin, from Phin's Blog.

It's all part of Glenn's plan to destroy any bloggers who might threaten his rulership of the blogosphere. His first target, naturally, was IMAO. After all, it WAS Frank J. who first exposed his puppy-blending habit.

So he hired Phin, who - bitter at not being invited to join IMAO - agreed to use his awesome photoshopping powers to destroy IMAO once and for all.

With dreams of vengeance twisting his mind, he developed an image so inhumanly revolting that a single glance would send any IMAO reader screaming into the night, clawing at his eyes, never to return again to the now-accursed URL of www.imao.us.

The only way to defeat Evil Glenn's foul plot is to not view the extended entry...

Aren't you glad you didn't click?

On the bright side, Phin has been captured and now faces punishment for his crimes against humanity.

INSTAVOICES

INSTAVOICES
(A Filthy Lie)

Just saw this at Instapundit, and thought I'd share:

Hey, nobody's perfect.

Whether it's "slaughter a hobo for Satan" or "dip yourself in honey and roll around in penguin feathers", I've learned to listen to the still, small voice within.

So, when I heard the words "I want you to attack Iraq", who was I to question?

It wasn't until after I'd reduced half the countryside to a smoking crater...:

Iraq attack as photographed by my good friend Al Feldstein

...that I got a follow-up message on my head-voice-mail. Turned out the "attack Iraq" thing was intended for President Bush. Apparently the Angel in charge of routing God's messages was a little... distracted that week:

Heh. Indeed.

EVIL GLENN'S CRUISE LINE

(A Filthy Lie)

After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.

Or TRIED to.

Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!

Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.

Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?

Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...

As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...

Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?

Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."

Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.

Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?

Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.

Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...

Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.

Harv: What "list of movies"?

Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...

Harv: That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...

Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.

Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...

Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!

Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...

Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.

Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?

Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!

Evil Glenn:...

Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.

Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...

Harv: Leaving now!

Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Evil Glenn's Cruise Line

(A Filthy Lie)

After seeing "March of the Penguins", I decided that I'd like to get a closer look at these amazing creatures in their natural habitat, so I booked a cruise to Antarctica.

Or TRIED to.

Have you priced cruise ship tickets lately? OUTRAGEOUS!

Fortunately, I discovered that Glenn Reynolds recently bought out Princess Cruise Lines and had some incredibly cheap introductory offers.

Yes, I know Glenn is evil and I shouldn't support his business ventures, but the ticket was only 15 bucks, plus I got a free "I [Heart] blended puppies" T-shirt. How could I say no?

Nothing of note happened until after we'd arrived at scenic Port Lockroy. Then things got a little... interesting...

As I wandered about the frozen wastelands, I saw a sinister, yet familiar figure amidst a flock of penguins...

Evil Glenn: Dammit Currency Freak! Can't I go ANYWHERE without bumping into you?

Harv: I was just thinking the same thing... except substitute the phrase "puppy-blending, hobo-murdering, Satan-worshiping bastard."

Evil Glenn: Well, not that it's any of your business, but I'm here to film a little penguin porn.

Harv: Long way to travel just to exploit innocent wildlife. Don't you have a "special" troop of penguins at home to use for your deviant & nefarious purposes?

Evil Glenn: Well, yes, but the adult entertainment industry is hard on participants (Heh). The ladies tend to skankify pretty fast. I mean think about how hag-like Madonna's gotten.

Harv: EWWWW! I REALLY didn't need that picture in my head. But I guess I see your point. Still, it's just plain wrong to demean innocent...

Evil Glenn: Hel-LOOOO! I had my conscience surgically removed my first year of law school. You might as well try to shame a Kennedy. Now if you'll excuse me, I have a long list of movies that need to hit the shelves in the next couple of weeks, and I really don't have time for idle chit-chat.

Harv: What "list of movies"?

Evil Glenn: Oh, "Back Door Birdie", "Flippers of Lust", "Swimming Sluts", "Cold Feet - Hot Ass"...

Harv: That's disgusting!

Evil Glenn: "Fine Feathered Foreplay", "Flock You", "Black & White Bump & Grind", "Tux & Sucks"...

Harv: I think I'm gonna puke.

Evil Glenn: "Flappin' & Boppin'", "Freaks With Beaks", "Wings & Wangs", "Feathery Friend Felching Fun"...

Harv: Dear God! Please... Stop!

Evil Glenn: "Hot Nude Amatuer Penguin Trios", "Lay Me Instead of an Egg", "Aviary of Anal", "XXX Black Peeing Porn"...

Harv: Hey! That last one's not penguin-related.

Evil Glenn: So? I'm not allowed to have outside interests?

Harv: You pathetic, sick, twisted, degenerate monster!

Evil Glenn:...

Harv: Yeah, yeah, I know... Lawyer... Right! I'm going back to the ship, and when I get home, I'm filing a report at Alliance HQ.

Evil Glenn: Let's not be hasty. I still need someone to play the part of the Naughty Zoo-keeper in this next scene...

Harv: Leaving now!

Evil Glenn: Come back! I can make you a star! Just bend this penguin over that snowbank and... Crap! He's gone. Oh well. Come on, Opus, we've got work to do...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Instapundette

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

First Frank brings up the fact that Glenn Reynolds may have switched his blending preference from canine to ursine.

Then Frank gets all sexist by suggesting how incompetent a mob of female assassins would be.

Combining these ideas, I can't help but wonder how Instapundit would be different if Reynolds were a woman.

First, I guess she'd be referred to as "Evil Glennda".

Probably still blend puppies, since dogs are man's best friend, and you know how jealous women can get.

Blending bear cubs? Definitely, since most women think guns are icky, and all American bears are kept armed (it's right there in the Constitution, people).

Yeah, I know SarahK's a woman and she LIKES guns, but she's really pretty and - since you know how jealous women can get - it's just another reason for bear-blending to Glennda.

But would Glennda still be conservative?... Doubtful, since most women are touchy-feely liberals.

Yeah, I know Ann Coulter's conservative, but she's blond and pretty (just like SarahK) and - since you know how jealous women can get - it implies that Glennda would blend anthing blond or even yellow, like bananas and canaries - possibly with honey, strawberries, dishwater, bleach and/or peroxide.

Mao-worshipping? - Nah. Everyone knows girls like Che Guevera.

Punching Frank J.? Oh HELL yeah! Even pretty girls like SarahK enjoy THAT!

Satan-worshipping? Nah... all chicks are Christians who drag you to boring church services & tell you to read the Bible, then get mad when you start reading the dirty parts, like where Solomon is ogling naked women whose breasts are like clusters of grapes.

Murdering hobos? Well, women DO like that unkempt "bad boy" look, and they seem to prefer men who drink too much (just like SarahK!). Of course, all women eventually DO go crazy and give midnight Bobbitectomies, so I'm not sure whether to count that as murder or not.

Penguin Porn? Women just don't like porn. However they ARE hot for a man in a tux - expecially if he looks like a bad boy & drinks too much. Glennda might watch it if it were one of those soft-core things on Lifetime or Oxygen.

Other than that, probably the only change to the Instapundit site would be a barely-noticable tweaking of the background tint:

Think there'd be any other differences?

ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS

About Glenn Reynolds
(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

If you're one of the few people that still goes to Instapundit, you've probably noticed how pathetic his "about me" post is. Sure, he's got a tiny blurb about "I wrote this & that wonderfully boring piece of tripe, gaze upon my works ye mighty and despair", but he really needs something more... personal. Something to make him seem more human.

Or less INhuman, as the case may be.

So I thought I'd do my part to help the old guy out - since he finally linked the podcast - and recommend some biographical tidbits that he ought to share.

* Glenn got to be the top blogger in the Ecosystem through a series of carefully targeted assassinations, which explains why you never hear about JimmyHoffa.com anymore.

* Glenn invented reusable toilet paper, which, for some reason, never really caught on.

* Except in France.

* Like most bloggers, Glenn composes all his posts longhand using a penguin-quill pen, puppy blood, and hobo-skin parchment.

* Glenn's owns an '88 Yugo with license plate PPBLNDR

* Glenn's incredibly thick geek-glasses were originally a gift from a fat kid who used them to start campfires while stranded on an island with a group of feral boys.

* Glenn's day job is with the law firm of Dewey, Cheatham, and Howe.

* Glenn's first web page was actually a Judy Garland fan site.

* It was later sold to Andrew Sullivan for an undisclosed sum.

* According to Glenn, baby seals "taste just like chicken"

* Glenn owns 7 shirts, 7 ties, 7 pairs of pants, 7 pairs of socks, 7 pairs of underwear, 7 sports coats, and 7 pairs of shoes, all exactly the same. It saves him the trouble of having to decide what to wear on any given day.

* Unfortunately, he keeps grabbing the same set of clothes, much to the dismay of those who have to work with him on Fridays.

* Somewhere a portrait of Glenn is magically growing increasingly old and ugly.

* Glenn owns a very popular chain of fast food joints in Tennessee called "EvilBurger"

* People say the burgers "taste just like chicken."

INTERNATIONAL INSTAPUNDIT

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Have you ever travelled to a foreign country and tried to ask where the bathroom was, only to discover that - in the native monkey-jabber - the words you used actually meant something entirely different? Like you just asked the guy if you could lick his elbow, and then he punches you right in the face and you have to get nine stitches?

I can't be the only one that's happened to.

Anyway, I know that if you go travelling, you'll want to keep in touch with the blog world, so you'll be tempted to mention to a native that you're going to check Instapundit. However, I must warn you that doing so may be fraught with danger. So in an effort to prevent future international incidents, I thought I'd check on what "Instapundit" meant in various foreign languages. Before you open your mouth in some filthy, non-American cesspool of a country, check the list:

Chinese - I enjoy shoving rice up my nose.

Korean - Your hair is quite poofy.

Zulu - I offer three plump goats for your daughter.

Eskimo - My club is too small to kill that baby seal.

Klingon - I have dishonored your family by mating with your mother, who is quite ugly.

Hebrew - Is that shake made with kosher puppies?

Democrat - My taxes are too low. Please raise them with great haste.

Irish - Let's drink and fight!

Kurdish - I miss Saddam.

Portuguese - Ricky Martin! Mmmm... FOXY!

Esperanto - I think we should resort to cannibalism.

Icelandic - With hindsight, I regret licking this flagpole.

Swedish - Are those real?

Thai - Enter my car and I will give you candy.

Italian - Your sister's back hair is quite fetching.

Ukranian - $40 million is too much for such a small nuclear device. You must do better, or I will take my business to Belarus.

Scottish - Is that a bagpipe in your pocket, or are you just happy to see me?

Canadian - Instapundit, eh?

If I missed any important languages, feel free to leave your translations in the comments.

EVIL GLENN'S BLOGAD

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I knew that Instapundit's been getting worried about Michele Malkin's increasing popularity in the Ecosystem, and I heard a rumor that he was going to start buying BlogAds to keep his traffic up, but I was still a little surprised the first time I saw this:

EVIL GLENN'S SUMMER CAMP

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

So I wandered into the IMAO break room for a cup of coffee to find the lovely and talented SarahK sitting there looking glum...

HARV: Mornin' Sarah. You're looking remarkably underweight today. Why so sad?

sarah: i was just thinking that the imao readers give us so much... we should do more to give back to the community... something charitable

HARV: Well, all the writers that Frank adopted have agreed to not take any money so that Frank J. can shower you with sparkly diamonds. That's sorta like charity.

sarah: i like diamonds! they're shiny and pretty! like the eyes of happy children! you should do something for children so that they look more like diamonds.

HARV: I already help children by beating them up and stealing their lunch money, thus forcing them to work harder to earn replacement money, which improves the economy. EVERYBODY wins!

sarah: ummmm.... maybe there's another way to help children. there's an ad here in the paper that says this summer camp is hiring counselors. i'll bet that would make kids happy. you should apply.

HARV: Well... it IS in Iowa, and I *do* need to do some research for that upcoming podcast...

sarah: great!... oh, and if you see frank on your way out, tell him my diamond collection needs polishing.

...so I went to Iowa, passed the interview by virtue of being able to fog a mirror, and soon found myself in the orientation room getting instructions from the leader of the camp - Glenn Reynolds...

GLENN: Hello, teammates! Welcome to the Glenn Reynolds Super Happy Lucky Fun Dancing And Concentration Camp For Kids. As you know, I'm a big fan of communism, and one of my favorite commies, Hugo Chavez, was recently threatened with assassination by Pat Robertson. I thought I'd cheer him up by sending him a video of dozens of American children doing the robot dance, since NOTHING says "Yay! Communism!" like a good robot dance.

As counselors, your job will be to teach these kids how to dance. We're on a tight schedule, so if the kids start getting tired, just give 'em puppy shakes until they perk up.

Now hop to it, people!

...unfortunately, I was busy listening to the latest IMAO podcast & didn't catch everything he said, so...

HARV: All right kids, we're here to build robots for France, so... YOU!... [squints at nametag]... Timmy... you look the most like Jimmy Neutron... here's a box of toy light sabers. Grab your nerdy little friends & make robots out of these.

TIMMY: No problem, Mr. Harvey... say, what do you want these robots to do?

HARV: Well, they're going to France, so program them to engage in random acts of violence.

TIMMY: But Mr. Glenn said something about making them dance...

HARV: Huh?... oh... then give them guns so they can shoot at the Frenchman's feet. THAT'LL make 'em dance.

TIMMY: But I think Mr. Glenn said that the ROBOTS should dance.

HARV [high pitched mocking voice]: Mr. Glenn said! Mr. Glenn said!... FINE!... make them dancing robots... with guns!

TIMMY: But I can't make bullets out of plastic toys! I need gunpowder for that.

HARV [rolling eyes]: They are NOT paying me enough to put up with this cr... HERE! Here's some baseball bats! Just make it so they swing at those stupid surrender monkeys' legs!

TIMMY: So... what kind of dance should the robots do? Break? Ballroom? Tango? Waltz? Disco? Dirty?

HARV: I DON'T CARE! I'm trying to write Fun Facts About Iowa and I'm still twenty corn jokes short! Just go with that first one you said! Now leave me alone before I beat you up and take your lunch money!

...the night of the big dance videotaping arrived...

HARV [to self]: "now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pick my ear". HA! Pure genius!

TIMMY: The robots are finished, Mr. Harvey. Can we please eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom now?

HARV: Huh?... uh... yeah, whatever. I think Reynolds said there were some guppy cakes or something in the mess hall. Just give me the remote control for the robots... Oh! AND your lunch money.

...I marched the robots up to the stage where Glenn Reynolds was demonstrating the choreography for the production...

HARV [glancing over keypad]: Let's see... AH! "Break"... There they go... uh oh... this doesn't look right... I think I need to find Timmy...

...later, in the mess hall...

HARV: Timmy, it's not that I don't appreciate all your hard work, but when I pressed "break", the robots all started smashing Evil... I mean MR.... Glenn's kneecaps with their baseball bat arms. Not that I mind, you understand, but I *am* a little confused.

TIMMY: Hmmm... let me see that remote... OH! *I* see!... just a typo in the program. It says "break danceR" instead of "break dance". Sorry about that.

HARV [tousling Timmy's hair]: Don't worry about it, ya little scamp. My work here is done. I'm going home. Thanks for all your help, Timmy.

TIMMY: Does that mean you're going to give me my lunch money back?

HARV: Don't push you luck, kid.

...a few days later, back at the IMAO break room, I bumped into SarahK again...

sarah: i heard you liberated an entire camp of innocent children while crippling glenn reynolds for life. now that's what i call giving back to the community! i'll bet those kids had the prettiest, shiniest eyes!

HARV: It went even better than I'd hoped. I finished Iowa, got $53 in change, plus some of the kids even gave up their cell phones. I smell an economic boom ahead.

sarah: any diamonds?

HARV: Nah. But I did get a gold tooth from this one kid who was a little slow reaching for his wallet... here, you can have it.

sarah: oo! it's pretty and shiny!

HARV: And the best part is that - with Reynolds being in the hospital and unable to blog - he's no longer number one in the Ecosystem. It's Michelle Malkin's blogosphere now, and... uh oh...

sarah: STOP TALKING ABOUT MICHELLE MALKIN! SHE'S NOT PRETTIER THAN ME! I'LL KILL YOU! DIE! DIE! DIE!

[gunshots]

...so as I lay here in the hospital getting my bullets removed, it occurs to me that the next time the nurse comes by to take my temperature, I should probably try to steal the diamond out of her wedding ring so that maybe SarahK won't shoot me so much next time I see her.

She's got a bit of a vengeful streak, ya know.

I just hope she didn't do anything to Michelle Malkin...

Uh oh... Ecosystem rankings... August 26th, 2005...

MALKINO DELENDA EST?

THE LIFE AND TIMES OF INSTAPUNDIT

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds was writing his biography.

Apparently I was slightly misinformed.

Instead of cranking out some 957-page pile of blathering crap, he managed to condense his life into a single song.

And thanks to a little bit of covert hackery, I've managed to obtain a copy of his little ditty WEEKS before it hits iTunes.

Enjoy.

SYMPATHY FOR GLENN REYNOLDS
(with apologies to the Rolling Stones)
(see extended entry)

EVIL GLENN - NASA DIRECTOR

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Rumor has it that Glenn Reynolds has been tapped by NASA to improve our currently-stumbling space program.

His first priority: making sure astronauts don't starve to death if they get stuck in orbit pulling flattened spacemonkeys and other debris off the nose of the shuttle.

Now, we're all well aware of Glenn's preferred energy drink, but the problem is that normal blenders require gravity to keep the puppy in contact with the whirling blades. In a low-gravity environment, the resulting product comes out as a hideous, lumpy mess, not unlike Helen Thomas's face.

(artist's conception of low gravity dog-blending with conventional blender)

To correct this problem, Glenn has invented the zero-gravity puppy blender, as pictured in the extended entry...

Instapundit For Sale

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

Not long ago, Glenn Reynolds mused that he'd be more than happy to sell Instapundit for the bargain price of $145 million dollars.

Naturally he got flooded with offers, so he ran a contest: "Tell why you should be allowed to buy Instapundit in 200 words or less".

Here are some of the responses:

John Bolton - "Once Bush takes his balls out of that little box that Laura keeps them in, he'll FINALLY get around to naming me as ambassador to the UN. I will use the power of Instapundit - and possibly a large wooden mallet - to crush all those stupid foreigners like bugs! LIKE BUGS, I SAY!"

Muzammil Siddiq, Muslim Religious Scholar - "Now that we have issued a fatwa condemning terrorism, we must make this pronouncement be heard from ALL of our most holy sites, including the holiest of all, the site of Imampundit, the most... what?... CRAP!... nevermind..."

Kim Jong Il - "As leader of the #1 dog-consuming nation in the world, what could be more appropriate that having me take control of Ilstapundit and its vast archive of canine-based recipes?"

Condoleezza Rice - "I think Bush might respect me more if I had a powerful blog. Don't get me wrong, I love my job, but I *do* get a little tired of being patted on the head and being called 'my wittle Condi-Wondi'".

Michael Griffin, NASA Administrator - "We just want to own SOMETHING that doesn't have chunks of foam falling off it".

Steve Jobs, Apple CEO - "iNstapundit... got a nice ring to it..."

Bill Gates, Chairman, Microsoft - "The transition to Vistapundit will be seamless, since Reynolds and I both have pretty much the same deal with Satan."

Michael Eisner, Disney CEO - "We haven't had a hit movie since "Monsters, Inc.", and I'm thinking we could at least make a couple bucks with selling T-shirts on this site or something, and... wait... I KNOW!... "Herbie: Fully Blogged"!... It's so hip and trendy that it can't possibly fail!"

Johnny Depp - "I just finished playing a powerful-yet-creepy reclusive iconoclast with a fetish for short, waddling things that all look alike. I'm SO ready to be the new Instapundit."

AND THE WINNER IS... (in the extended entry)

PAINLESS SELF-PROMOTION

(A Filthy Lie cross-posted from IMAO)

On Monday, July 11th, Instapundit was, for a few brief hours, no longer the #1 blog in the Ecosystem, having been replaced by the 30-times-more-popular "Painless Self Promotion."

(click to enlarge)

The next day, things were back to normal, with Instapundit once again on top, and Painless Self Promotion nowhere to be seen. Almost as though it had never existed.

Well, I was there and I know what happened.

It all started just after we finished taping the round-table segment for the IMAO podcast...

SCOTT: Well, Frank, if I take out all the times you said "uhhhh..." in the last six hours, I think I can get 15 minutes out of this, so... yeah.

ALL: YAY! FINALLY!

FRANK: Now before we go...

[assorted grumbling]

FRANK: Before we go, I'd like to get some more ideas on how to promote the podcast.

KEVIN: We could pay people to listen to it...

FRANK: That's the DUMBEST thing I've ever heard. I don't even pay you people to WRITE the stupid thing! Besides, I need all my money so that I can give handfuls of giant diamonds to my little sweetie-face.

sarahk: yay! diamonds are pretty! just like me!

SPACEMONKEY: We could try telling people about it instead of hiding our shameful secret like it was some sort of crazy aunt living in our attic.

FRANK: Telling people about it?... Why... that's so crazy, it just might work! Tell ya what, Monkey, I'm putting you in charge of the project.

HARV: I think Kevin should be in charge. He's a lawyer, so he's used to lying to people to make them believe that something bad is good.

KEVIN: I think RightWingDuck should do it. He's Mexican, and with him in charge, the IMAO podcast would soon comprise 14% of all the podcasts in America.

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Nah, make Laurence do it. He's Jewish, so he can pull some strings with the International Zionist Conspiracy.

LAURENCE: Sorry, that only works with money. This is comedy. Who the heck ever heard of a Jewish comedian?

FRANK: SILENCE! I've made my decision. Monkey's in charge, because he's an Alabama hayseed, and they're good at organization, planning, and taking over countries. Look what his people accomplished in the Civil War.

HARV: Uh, Frank, the South...

FRANK: Don't interrupt me!... Monkey, I want you to set up a web site that'll allow us - by which I mean YOU - to shamelessly self-promote the podcast. Meanwhile, I'm gonna hang up and go have marital relations with SarahK.

sarahk: no marital relations until after we're married! now say good-bye to your little friends and go study your Bible while I go make myself pretty for church.

FRANK: DAMNATION!

sarahk: WHAT DID YOU JUST SAY? you better not have blasphemed!

FRANK: Uh... I said... "Dalmation!"... It... uh... suddenly struck me what kind of dog I wanted to get.

sarahk: oh... good!... dalmations are pretty!... BUT YOU DON'T GET A DOG UNTIL AFTER WE'RE MARRIED, EITHER!

SPACEMONKEY: You better go, Frank... but what should we call the site?

FRANK: Something like "Shameless Self Promotion", except not that... think of a cooler name... Later guys...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: So... "Shameless Self Promotion" work for you guys?

[general murmurs of assent]

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, so who wants to help me work on this?

RIGHTWINGDUCK: Uh... my wife says my burritos are ready... BYE! [click]

LAURENCE: Zionist Conspiracy meeting... have to decide what to tell Greenspan to do with the interest rates... later guys. [click]

KEVIN: I have to photoshop you guys so you look completely gay... this could take hours... except for Frank's pic...[click]

SPACEMONKEY: Looks like it's up to us, Harv. Any ideas?

HARV: What's in this for me again?

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... bags and bags of money?

HARV: Riiiiight. I've heard THAT before.

SPACEMONKEY: I'll do "Fun Facts About Georgia" for you...

HARV:... so here's the plan... you make up an html page with a link to the podcast, and I'll hijack a popular page to put it on.

SPACEMONKEY: But hijacking is WRONG!

HARV: Yes it is, but this is more like piracy, which means we can wear eye-patches & parrots & say "YARRRRR!" and get lots of hot chicks like Johnny Depp.... Ah!... I see Technorati's FUBAR again... they won't miss their page... try uploading to it Monkey.

SPACEMONKEY: They want a username & password.

HARV: Try "linkwhores" and "404forever"

SPACEMONKEY: Ok... I'm in... page is loading... Hey! It worked!

HARV: Quick! Check the Ecosystem!

SPACEMONKEY: WE'RE #1!!!

HARV: Um... you listed it on the Ecosystem as "Painless", not "Shameless".

SPACEMONKEY: Sorry. Pain and shame are both such a big part my life since I started doing the Podcast that I get them confused sometimes.

HARV: Eh, you can fix it tomorrow. See ya then. [click]

[...next morning...]

[ring...ring]

HARV: KBBL's gonna give me something stupid!

SPACEMONKEY: Hey Harv, it's Spacemonkey.

HARV: Does this mean I don't get the elephant?

SPACEMONKEY: Even worse. You know how we hijacked...

HARV: PIRATED! Yarrrrr!

SPACEMONKEY: Uh... yeah... "pirated"...

HARV: YARRRRR!

SPACEMONKEY: Will you shut up for a second? Apparently "Technorati" is actually an Italian name, and they're related to the Gambinos and the Corleones. They left a "message" for me, suggesting that I give their site back.

HARV: I thought they used horses?

SPACEMONKEY: Apparently Instapundit wasn't happy with being knocked down to #2, so he was glad to help. Anyway, after they got done breaking my kneecaps, I took down our link. Do you think Frank's gonna be mad?

HARV: Nah. I thought this would happen, so I sent him a present to keep his mind off the podcast.

SPACEMONKEY: You got SarahK to give him marital relations?

HARV: Better. I got him that Damnation puppy he wanted.

SPACEMONKEY: Harv... he said Dalmation.

HARV: Dal... uh... CRAP! I gotta make some phone calls.

SPACEMONKEY: Ok, talk to ya next round-table [click]

HARV [dialing frantically]: Hi! Cerberus Hill Puppy Farm? I called this morning about...

Remember folks, DO promote the podcast, but DON'T mess with the Italians while doing it.

YARRRRR!

BATTLE OF THE LINK-WHORES: INSTAPUNDIT VS. THE ALLIANCE

(A Filthy Lie)
(cross-posted from IMAO)

As Frank mentioned recently, the venerable Alliance of Free Blogs recently had its honor besmirched by Blogcritics.org, which accused us of link-doping whoring.

Well, *I* say that if they're gonna throw smirch at you, you might as well rub it all over yourself and revel in the ecstasy of it.

But there arose a question of honor even MORE important. Sure, the Alliance of Free Blogs is an idiotically haphazard collection of people who merely want to rank higher on The Truth Laid Bear's Ecosystem, but how did we compare against the top link-whore in the blogosphere? The man who will link anyone, anytime, for any reason or no reason at all (except for ME, of course): Glenn Reynolds.

Well, it just so happens that that question was answered decisively not so very long ago. In fact, I even wrote a little song about it:

Glenn Reynolds went to The Alliance
He was lookin' for a blog to steal
He needed more links
'Cause Instapundit stinks
And he was willin' to make a deal

When he came upon this blogger
Giving links like a porn-spambot
Glenn Reynolds stepped
On a hobo's neck
And said, "Boy let me tell you what:

I guess you didn't know it
but I'm a filthy link-whore too
And if you care to take a dare I'll make a bet with you

Now you give gratuitous linkage, boy
But give Glenn Reynolds his due
I'll bet Instalanche gold
'gainst your blogroll
'Cause I link-whore better than you."

The boy said "My name's Harvey
And it might be a sin
But I'll take your bet
And you're gonna regret
'Cause I'm the best there's ever been."

Harvey you fire up MT and link to everyone.
Cause if you've got no traffic, then this blogging thing ain't fun.
And if you win you get free linkage just as good as gold
But if you lose, Glenn gets your whole blogroll.

Glenn opened up his laptop case
And he said I'll start this show
And fire flew from his fingertips
As he Googled to and fro

Then he found a post about Karl Rove,
- How he'd made the liberals hiss -
And a gang of right-wing blogs piled on
And Glenn linked them something like this

[Instrumental]

When Glenn Reynolds finished, Harvey said
"That's some good link-whorin' son.
But just sit down in that chair right there
And let me show you how it's done."

He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'

[Instrumental]

Glenn Reynolds bowed his head
Because he knew that he'd been beat
He gave The Alliance an Instalanche
While Harvey hollered "SWEET!"

Harvey said, "Reynolds just come on back
If you ever wanna try again
I done told you once you link-whorin' bitch
I'm the best there's ever been."

He linked with: sacrificing hobos
Kill those bums!
The devil's gonna make Glenn number one
Puppy in a blender, round it goes
Reynolds does your dog bite?
Not no mo'

[Instrumental to end]

EVIL GLENN'S FATHER'S DAY

(A FILTHY LIE)

AUTHOR'S NOTE: Recycled from last year's assignment, because this is one DAMN fine piece of work, and I don't think I could top it in the 2 hours left before the assignment deadline. I was really in the groove on this one.

Set in Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon, it's got lots of foul language & gratuitous violence. You've been warned...

WHEREIN EVIL GLENN EXPRESSES HIS THOUGHTS REGARDING ARIANNA HUFFINGTON'S QUASI-CELEBRITY "BLOG" PROJECT, "THE HUFFINGTON POST"

(A Filthy Lie)

(click to enlarge)

[Hat tip to the ever-delectable Pamela of Atlas Shrugs for finding the cartoon, which I've modified slightly for my own nefarious purposes]

EVIL GLENN'S PENGUIN PORN

(A Filthy Lie re-posted from Bad Money so it'll load faster)

Frank says we need more lies about Evil Glenn.

I can't help much there. I'm too honest.

However, when I was talking with Evil Glenn the other day, I did discover something quite shocking. We were discussing some of our favorite retired comic strip writers...

Evil Glenn: I agree. I really liked Opus. I love penguins. In fact, I even have a small, penguin-related business on the side. Let me show you something on my computer.

Harv: Penguinperv.com?

Evil Glenn: One of my favorite web-cam sites.

Harv: Does that book say "Instapundit" on the cover?

Evil Glenn: Yup.

Harv: Why does that penguin have an odd little smile on his face?

Evil Glenn: Obviously he REALLY enjoys what he's looking at. And I guarantee you he's not reading it for the articles.

Harv: You published a book of penguin porn?

Evil Glenn: Yup. Nothing more erotic than a penguin. The stark black-and-white contrast, the beak, those tiny feathers... indeed.

Harv: You sick, vile, sub-human pervert!

Evil Glenn: Geez, Harv, relax. Puppy smoothie?

Harv: Get away from me!

Evil Glenn: Say... has anyone ever told you that you look like a hobo? [reaching slowly for whacking hammer]

Harv: AAAAAAHH! [flees in terror]

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

UPDATE (8/27/03): Over at Alliance HQ, I provide further evidence of Evil Glenn's penguin porn production.

[hat tip to ArmyWifeToddlerMom for the penguincam link]

Evil Glenn's Mother's Day Adventure

I don't usually cross-post my IMAO stuff, but in honor of Mother's Day, I thought this would be appropriate.

(A Filthy Lie)
(With apologies to Monty Python)

[a customer walks in the door]

Evil Glenn: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the American Flower Emporium!

Evil Glenn: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Evil Glenn: Well, I was sitting on my throne of blackest ice, filleting a hobo, when a glance at the calendar reminded me of my matriarchal celebratory duties.

Owner: Matriarchal, sir?

Evil Glenn: Maternal.

Owner: Eh?

Evil Glenn: It's almost Mother's Day.

Owner: Ah, Mother's Day!

Evil Glenn: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little blooming flora will do the trick," so, I curtailed my homicidal activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some finely stemmed blossomry!

Owner: Come again?

Evil Glenn: I want to buy some flowers.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bouzouki player!

Evil Glenn: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Evil Glenn: Yo! He be jammin' bad, fo' shizzle!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Evil Glenn: Most certainly! Now then, some flowers please, my good man.

Owner: Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Evil Glenn: Well, eh, how about some Forget-me-nots.

Owner: I'm afraid we're fresh out of Forget-me-nots, sir.

Evil Glenn: Oh, never mind, how are you on Sunflowers?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have them at the end of the week, sir, we get them fresh on Monday.

Evil Glenn: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four of your sunniest Daffodils, if you please.

Owner: Ah! They've been on order, sir, for two weeks. Were expecting them this morning.

Evil Glenn: 'T's not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Foxglove?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Evil Glenn: Spider Orchid?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Evil Glenn: Ah. Lady's Slipper?

Owner: Sorry.

Evil Glenn: Lupins? Chrysanthemums?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Any Monkshood, per chance.

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snapdragons?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Goosefoot?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Scarlet Plume?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lily of the Valley?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Amaryllis?

Owner: (pause) No.

Evil Glenn: Blue Throatwort?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Eustoma?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Cockscomb, Gillyflower, Love-in-a-mist, Evening Primrose, Statice, Mimosa, Peony, Stonecrop, Montbretia?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Carnations, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Carnations, yessir.

Evil Glenn: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,... They're a bit smelly...

Evil Glenn: Oh, I like them smelly.

Owner: Well,.. They're *very* smelly, actually, sir.

Evil Glenn: No matter. Fetch hither the brightly petalled glory! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think they're a bit smellier than you'll like them, sir.

Evil Glenn: I don't care how f***ing smelly they are. Hand them over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Evil Glenn: What now?

Owner: The goat's eaten them.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Lavender?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Bee Balm?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Snow on the Mountain?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Painter's Pallette?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Queen Anne's Lace?

Owner: No, sir.

Evil Glenn: You...do *have* some flowers, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a flower shop, sir. We've got--

Evil Glenn: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Evil Glenn: Uuuuuh, Sweet William.

Owner: Yes?

Evil Glenn: Ah, well, I'll have some of those!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. William Wensleydale, that's my name.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Sneezeweed?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Evil Glenn: Uuh, Hyacinth?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kansas Feather,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Lady's Mantle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Kangaroo Paw,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: African Corn Lily,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Alpine Thistle,

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Chincherinchee?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Evil Glenn: (pause) Aah, how about Roses?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Evil Glenn: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular flower in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Evil Glenn: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular flower 'round hyah?

Owner: Marigolds, sir.

Evil Glenn: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Evil Glenn: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Evil Glenn: I see. Uuh...Marigolds, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Evil Glenn: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Evil Glenn: It's not much of a flower shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Evil Glenn: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Evil Glenn: It's certainly uncontaminated by flowers....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Daisies, sir.

Evil Glenn: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Evil Glenn: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BOUZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Evil Glenn: (slowly) Have you got any Daisies?

Owner: No.

Evil Glenn: Figures. Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Evil Glenn: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any flowers here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Evil Glenn: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Evil Glenn: You haven't.

Owner: No sir. Not a stem. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Evil Glenn: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(Evil Glenn takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Evil Glenn: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

THE BLENDERNATOR

(A Filthy Lie - Republished from Bad Money)

I don't have any children, yet it was for the future of children everywhere that I joined the Alliance. I just couldn't stand the thought of a world where the blogging despot, Glenn Reynolds ruled over everything.

Do you think I'm some sort of tinfoil-hat-wearing crackpot? Are you saying to yourself, "he's only one man. Sure, he's got a popular blog, but does that necessarily make him evil?" Then I ask you: Do you not understand the nature of power to create the insatiable craving for more control? Today Glenn might be only sitting atop the Ecosystem like Sauron's eye above the dark tower of Mordor, but realize, please, that this is not his final plan. He seeks power beyond cyberspace. His urge to conquest will not be sated until America herself is a bleak and desolate wasteland, where hobo bodies litter the streets like old newspapers, puppies tip at the brink of extinction from overblending, the Robot is the only dance allowed to be publicly performed, and the maddening strains of Copacabana fill the air from loudspeakers under every street lamp. This future I will not countenance. And so, I fight.

Having failed in my every attempt to stop Evil Glenn's mad quest for power in this when, I decided that the only reasonable course of action would be to travel to the past to stop Evil Glenn while he was but a lad, and his crimes against humanity still lay, preventably, in his future.

But where to obtain a time machine?

I asked the smartest man in the blogosphere, Stephen Den Beste of USS Clueless. Unfortunately, his fingers had become wedged in his keyboard during a tragic blogging accident, and he was physically unable to help me with the construction of the device.

Next I sought the help of Lynn of Reflections in d minor, the smartest woman in the blogosphere. No joy was to be found there, since she was still in the hospital recovering from a brutal attack by Pecks, the world's angriest bluebird.

Saddened, but not yet without hope, I appeared at the doorstep of Alliance member Physics Geek, reasoning that anyone who could brew the world's tastiest beer must surely have the wisdom to construct a time machine...

Geek: Come on in, Harv. What can I do for you?

Harv: Well, I have an insane-sounding project I need your help with, and since you're the smartest non-physically-incapacitated person I know, I was hoping you could help me.

Geek: No problem. Insanity is my specialty. Whaddya need? Perpetual motion machine? Faster-than-light spaceship? A viable democratic presidential candidate?

Harv: Time machine, actually.

Geek: Good. I was hoping you wouldn't ask for that last one. I was only kidding about it being possible. Come on down to the basement, I've got one there.

Harv: You have a working time machine?

Geek: Are you serious? Of COURSE I have one. I built it right after that time Mrs. Geek walked in on my while I was surfing for porn. Saved me a week of sleeping on the couch, it did. So, what do you need it for?

Harv [following Geek into the basement]: I'm going to go back in time and stop Glenn Reynolds from turning evil.

Geek: Oh... Maybe we should work on that viable democratic presidential candidate instead...

Harv: Don't worry, I have a plan. I just need you to get me to the right year.

Geek: Ok. But be careful. Messing around with events in the past can cause... unintended consequences.

Harv: Yeah, yeah. Butterfly effect, blah, blah, blah. Just get me where... er, when I need to go.

Geek: Ok. Here's the auto-return remote control device. Now, just step into the travel chamber...


There was a blinding flash of light, and a second later I found myself standing on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead, where a young, and at this point merely naughty, Glenn frolicked on the grass with his puppy...


Naughty Glenn: All right Hobo, now go fetch the stick!... Good boy!... Hey! Stop licking me! Stop it! How'd you like it if I started licking you? [lick, lick]...Hmmm... That was tasty! And I feel somewhat energized... I wonder what would happen if I consumed the whole animal? He's too big to eat... Maybe if I stuffed him into mommy's blender I could drink him! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed.

Harv: NOOOOOO! Stop, young Glenn! You mustn't do that!

Naughty Glenn: Huh? Hey! Aren't you Michael Gross, the dad from Family Ties?

Harv: What? No! I'm... uh, I mean yes, yes I am. And as a beloved and influential father-figure, I command you NOT to blend that puppy.

Naughty Glenn: Well, ok. I'll just play with him in a naively charming and child-like way instead. Thanks for the advice.

Harv: Yeah… uh... no problem… Well, that was easy.


I pressed the button and found myself back in Physics Geek's basement…


Harv [stepping out of time machine]: That was remarkably simple. I should've done that a LONG time ago. Wait… I did… Heh, time travel is really confusing. Anyway, thanks for your help, Geek.

Frank G.: Geek? My name's not Geek. It's Frank G. Why did you call me that, Frank H.?

Harv: Frank H.? No, my name is Harv. Why did you call me Frank H.? Look… It says right here on my driver's license… Frank H. Olson, and… HUH?... Why the HELL is my name Frank H.?

Frank G.: Du-UH! The same reason ALL men are named Frank plus an initial. Frank J., the fearsome, despotic overlord (may his name be praised) of the United States of Frank A., has decreed that all men be named as such.

Frank H.: This is insane! Let me borrow your computer.

Frank G.: Sure. Over here.

Quickly, I Googled (actually Frankoogled) up Frank J.'s home page. It had changed a little from the way I remembered it, as it was now titled "IFAO: Unfair. Unbalanced. Unmedicated. Under my power. Unable to disobey on fear of death." As my jaw dropped and my eyes bulged, I read the first few entries with a growing mixture of disbelief and horror:

"I really hate capitalism. Fascism is much better. Mussolini rocked. Now I will dance the Macarena. HEYYYYY Macarena! Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

"I just murdered a circus clown. You should have heard him squeal like a pig as the knife went in. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."

"At 10pm tonight, I will go on TV before the entire nation, where you, my fearful and cowering subjects, will watch, mortified, as I drown a puppy. Bark bark, gurgle gurgle. Hah. Hrmmm. Indubitably."


Frank H.: Holy Hatless Hannah's Hershey Bar! WHAT HAVE I DONE? Geek… I mean Frank G…. you've got to send me back in time again! I made a terrible mistake, messing in God's domain. I HAVE put things back the way they were!

Frank G.: No problem, the transference chamber's still warm. Just step on in.

Frank H.: Good. First, though, I really think I need a beer to calm my nerves…

Frank G.: Beer? What is this... "beer"... you speak of?

Frank H.: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! Quick! Push the button!

Frank G.: Don't you mean "quickly"?

Frank H.: WHAT?

Frank G.: Just because you're in a hurry doesn't mean you can't make time for proper grammar.

Frank H.: PUSH THE F****** BUTTON!

Frank G.: What's the magic word?

Frank H. [a hair's breadth from murder and enunciating between grinding incisors]: Please.

Frank G.: Much better! A polite and grammatically-correct society is a happy society. Rule #21095 of Frank J.'s Super Happy Lucky Fun Little Red Book Of How Not To Be Summarily Executed By The Secret Police. Bon Voyage, Frank H.!


Another blinding flash of light found me back on the front lawn of the Reynolds homestead just a few short minutes after I'd left the last time. Naughty (now actually NICE) Glenn was playing with his puppy, Hobo, in a naively charming and child-like way.


Nice Glenn: Gee, Hobo, you're the bestest puppy ever! I'm sorry I thought about blending you. From now on, I'm going to be the nicest boy in the world, and I promise never to mistreat you, or any other helpless animal ever again! I sure am grateful to Michael Gross for showing me the error of my ways, and… Hey! Look! There's Michael Gross again! Hi Mr. Gross! Wow! I sure want to thank you for…URK!

Harv [Grabbing both Glenn and Hobo by the throat and proceeding to the kitchen without missing a step]: Come with me since I want to live.


Cringing inwardly at what I had to do, hating myself for doing it, yet knowing it had to be done, I stuffed Hobo into Mrs. Reynolds's Model 690 Oster Blend-o-Matic Deluxe, and pressed "liquefy".


Traumatized Glenn: HOBO! NOOOOOOO! Please don't do this Mr. Gross!

Harv: I lied. I'm NOT Michael Gross. Now shut up, kid, I'm saving the world.


The foul deed completed, I grabbed the bloody pitcher of puppy goo, stomped on Glenn's left foot, and when he opened his mouth to holler in pain, I poured the sticky mess down his surprised gullet.


Confused Glenn: Ack! Argh! Oogaoogaooga! Wha… What's happening to me? I feel… energized. I feel… strong… and… and… HUNGRY FOR POWER! Heh. Hmmm. Indeed…

Harv: Better test this... Hey Glenn…

Evil Glenn: That's EVIL Glenn to you, peon.

Harv: What's your favorite drink?

Evil Glenn: Blended puppy

Harv: Who's your favorite world leader?

Evil Glenn: Mao

Harv: Who's your deity of choice?

Evil Glenn: Satan

Harv: Favorite dance?

Evil Glenn: Robot

Harv: How do you feel about penguins?

Evil Glenn: Horny

Harv: And if you could punch anybody in the world right now, who would you punch?

Evil Glenn: Why… nobody. I'd just like to hug a fuzzy bunny right now.

Harv: Oh? Then hug THIS!


And I punched him in the face as hard as I could.


Evil Glenn: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you
back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?

Harv: I'm Frank J. – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!


Leaving the bleeding, sniveling, puppy-gut-splattered, and now completely evil Glenn Reynolds to return to the life destiny intended for him, I pressed the button on the auto-return…


Geek: Gee, Harv, that didn't take long. You just left a couple minutes ago, and…

Harv [grabbing Geek by the shoulders and shaking him]: Quick! Who's the world's funniest blogger?

Geek: Why… YOU are, Harv.

Harv: DAMMIT! This is no time for ass-kissing! Just answer the question!

Geek [looking at the floor and shuffling his feet]: Frank J.

Harv: Good! Let me borrow your computer.

Geek: Sure. Over here.

Harv: www.imao.us… Ah! Here we are… "as funny as drowning puppies (actually, that is kind of funny; heh heh - bark bark, gurgle gurgle)."… NOOOOOO!

Geek: Harv. Dude. Relax. He's just kidding. See? Look up here… there's a new In My World, it's coffee-out-the-nose funny, and he even mentioned your name at the top of part 2.

Harv: Oh, ok. PHEW! For a minute there, I thought I was stuck in some hideous alternate reality that resulted from my meddling with the temporal currents and… what's this? "I think I'm done antagonizing Glenn Reynolds. I've exposed his terrible secret about his drinking habits to the world, and now it's time to bury the hatchet." NOOOOOOO! What has my meddling with forces beyond my understanding done? I've weakened the resolve of our fearless leader! I am a cursed man! My life is meaningless. All that I've fought for… in ruins… [breaking into sobs of despair]

Geek: Relax, Harv. Here, have a beer.

Harv: *sniff * Beer? Beer exists?

Geek [eyeing me warily and taking a cautious step backwards] Yyyeessss. Here. I just finished brewing this today. I call it God's Nectar Red Ale.

Harv: [sip] Hmmm… ya know, I think things are gonna be juuuuust fine.

Geek: So, how'd the Evil Glenn thing go? Did you stop him?

Harv: Well, Geekster, it's like this…


I told him the whole story, although I'm not sure how much he believed. The important thing is that he gave me a six-pack to take home with me.


I've learned the hard way that it is not mortal man's place to tamper with the greater forces of the universe. And that, while the world may not be the way we wish it were, it could always be a LOT worse. In an effort to take a short cut to defeating Evil Glenn, I wound up creating a universe where Frank J.'s resolve to do what's right is no longer the strong and eternal rock upon
which the Alliance was founded. But I am not afraid. Our cause is just. No matter what happens, the Alliance WILL prevail!

Besides, Geek still has that time machine. And I have an idea. Mheh.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EPILOGUE:

Friday, May 9th , 2003:

Frank J.: OW GAWD! You BASTARD! You broke my f****** nose! I'll not rest until I pay you back for your treachery!… Uh… who are you?

Harv: I'm Glenn Reynolds – Come and get me. MUAHAHAHAHA!

EVIL GLENN'S INVESTMENT ADVICE

(A FILTHY LIE)

So I sent an e-mail to Glenn Reynolds, asking him how I could get rich like him.

He told me to sell T-shirts.

It's good advice, but I didn't really know what to use for a design, so I decided to just take my sainted mother's advice:

BE HONEST

So... behold the Instapundit T-shirt:

Thanks, Glenn!

[hat tip to Lynn of Reflections in D Minor for the link to Pegasus Publishing and the "Rude - Adult Designs" apparel gallery]

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

Evil Glenn's New World Record

Over at IMAO

EVIL GLENN'S GARBAGE

(A FILTHY LIE)

Did you know it's perfectly legal to go through other people's garbage? Yup, once it hits the curb, it's open season.

Knowing this, I thought I'd do a little investigative snooping on Evil Glenn, so I drove out to the gloom-enshrouded Memphis castle and waited until trash day.

Items of interest I discovered were as follows:

397 dog collars, assorted sizes & colors. Some looked a little beat up, as though they'd been hacked at by tiny, rotating blades.

A 3-pound-size Folger's coffee can filled with human teeth and labeled "Sacrificial Leftovers 2004".

An empty can of Fava Beans.

An empty bottle of Chianti. Looks like it was a nice one, too.

A first edition copy of "To Serve Man", personally autographed by the Kanamit ambassador.

A stylish black leather trenchcoat - bloodstained and riddled with bullet holes - with a pair of expensive-looking sunglasses in one pocket and single red pill in the other.

A hand-lettered sign that said "Beware of R.O.U.S".

A small, dirty doll's head with the name "Casey" written on it in red magic marker.

A camoflage patterned hat that seemed to almost sparkle with magical powers.

A Poloroid picture labeled "Frank J., right after I punched him".

There was more, but I really felt the need to take a long shower after seeing that last one.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN CONTROLS THE WEATHER

(A FILTHY LIE)

I found a picture of Evil Glenn actually using his weather control machine. It's not worksafe, so it's in the extended entry.

EVIL GLENN'S HEIST

(A FILTHY LIE)

Another Friday, another trip to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon to tip back a few cold ones and bask in the warm glow of cheerful cameraderie...

Harv: Hey, Bartender.

Bartender: Eat shit & die, you maggot-infested monkey-humper.

Harv: That's the nicest thing you've said to me in months.

Bartender: I've been reading "How To Win Friends & Influence People".

Harv: That WOULD explain your cuddly, bunny-like demeanor. Say, you seen Matty O'Blackfive in here?

Bartender: What do I look like? His f***ing personal secretary?

Harv: Nah. She's got bigger knockers & less ear-hair... Nevermind... I see him in the corner. Pour me a Guinness & bring it over.

Bartender: What do I look like? A f***ing bartender? I... wait... uh...

Harv: Work the formula, Einstein, I'll be Matty chattin'.

... I went to the dimly lit corner table where sat America's favorite drunken Irish paratrooper...

Harv: Hey, Matty.

Matt: Eat shit & die.

Harv: "How To Win Friends & Influence People"?

Matt: The Bartender loaned me his copy.

Harv: It's working wonders for ya. I've been here 10 seconds and you haven't said f*** once.... to tell you the truth, it's creeping me out a little.

Matt: That book's full of all kinds of weird stuff. For example, did you know that some people say... [checks book]... "please"... instead of "hurry up before I bust your f***in' chops"?

Harv: I thought that was just an urban legend?

Matt: Nope. Apparently it's a fairly common expression amongst people without military experience.

Harv: So... it's a French word?

Matt: You're thinking of "surrender".

Harv: Whatever. All this linguistical chit-chat's making me thirsty. Let me pull up a chair while I wait for the Bartender to bring my beer, and... [staring at empty glasses piled up on the table]... Matty, how long have you been here tonight?

Matt: About an hour.

Harv: That looks more like TWO hourse worth of your glassware. Somethin' bugging you?

Matt: My lucky box of Lucky Charms cereal is missing.

Harv: Your... what now?

Matt: Lucky box of Lucky Charms... Remember? I posted a picture of it last St. Patrick's Day?

Harv: Heh. Paddy O'Tatertot.

Matt: Yeah, well, it's missing now and I'm really bummed out about it.

Harv: Didn't you get that box from a CIA agent in Cambodia?

Matt: You're thinking of John Kerry's lucky hat.

Harv: John Kerry's Irish?

Matt: Irish Protestant, judging by his skin color. Anyway, it's missing.

Harv: That's just weird... Hey, speaking of missing, I can't seem to find my Johnny B. Bad $5 bill.

Matt: You mean that creepy-looking thing with Lincoln wearing an earring that you've got posted on your site?

Harv: It was my first piece of Graffiti Currency. It means the world to me. I searched all over the place. Can't find it anywhere. I don't know what to do.

Matt: Try drinking heavily. That always seems to solve MY problems.

Harv: And by a happy coincidence, here's the Bartender with my Guinness. Gimme that thing before I bust your f***in' chops.

Matt: He means "please".

Bartender: I didn't know Harv spoke French... By the way, have either of you doorknobs seen my lucky shot glass?

Harv: Matt, I think there's something strange going on here.

Matt: Yeah, the Bartender missed a perfectly good opportunity to use a form of the work f*** as an adjective.

Bartender: Skip the grammar lessons, Strunk & White. What're you getting at, Harv?

Harv: Don't you see? Matty's lucky cereal box, my cherished Graffiti Currency, your lucky shot glass - ALL missing at the same time? It CAN'T be just a coincidence! I think Evil Glenn is behind this.

Bartender: That's the STUPIDEST thing I've ever heard! There's not a SINGLE shred of evidence pointing towards Evil Glenn!

Harv: EXACTLY! The complete absence of evidence means he's OBVIOUSLY the perpetrator!

Bartender: ...Have you been watching Michael Moore movies again?

Matt: No, Bartender, he's right. You can't argue with his perfect logic.

Bartender: Perfect lunacy.

Matt: Come on, Bartender. It means we'll get to go on a road cruise in the Drunkmobile. I'll even let you drive.

Bartender: Well... as long as there's drunk driving involved, I don't see how I can say no.

Matt: Great! Then it's settled. TO THE DRUNKMOBILE!

Harv: Shotgun!

Matt: DOH!

... we stumbled into our beloved vehicle of alcohol-fueled vengeance and swerved insanely through the night towards Castle Glenn, hoping to discover why he had stolen our most precious belongings. A few hours later, with a screech of tires and the crash of impacted trash cans, we arrived on Instapundit's front lawn...

Harv: Nice stealth, Bartender. Why don't you just send up a flare while you're at it?

Bartender: Great idea!... [BANG! *FWOOSH*]... Now we can see where we're going.

Harv: Matt, I'm gonna sit here & shake my head in disbelief for a while. Meanwhile, you can explain "sarcasm" to this retarded sack of hammers.

Matt: Lay off him, Harv. If we run, we can still catch Glenn by surprise.

Bartender: Matt's right. It's not like our mission was broadcast hours in advance.

Harv: Well... I did put up a small "light blogging ahead due to secret mission to Evil Glenn's castle" post.

Matt: And I live-blogged the road trip.

Bartender [checks Instapundit.com]: "Heh. Looks like I'll be having company. Indeed."

Harv: That would explain the neon sign that says "Welcome Harv, Matty, and Bartender".

Matt: Enough belly-aching! Come on you apes! You want to live forever? Let's go get our shit back!

... We entered the castle, seeking Glenn's inner sanctum. Guided by Matty's eerily accurate, almost Spider-man-like ability to detect evil - along with numerous signs posted in the hallways that said "this way to diabolical trap" - we quickly arrived at our destination.

Evil Glenn: What the F*** took you guys so long?

Harv: Sorry. We decided to play rock-paper-scissors to see who'd buy the first round when we got back to the bar.

Evil Glenn: Which should take about 5 seconds!

Matt: We all kept picking "rock".

Bartender: Good old rock. Nothing beats that.

Evil Glenn: Indeed. Well, let me explain why I've tricked you into coming here tonight. At the dawn of time, certain ancient tribes worshipped dark gods of unspeakable power. Anthropologists differ in their explanation of...

Harv: Bored now.

Matt: I really don't want my box back badly enough to listen to THIS crap.

Bartender: Ditto. If I'd have wanted a history lesson, I wouldn't have dropped out of the 3rd grade. Let's go.

[all turn to leave]

Evil Glenn: WAIT!... Fine... you win... The short version is: I stole a precious object from each of you so that I could control you through the power of Voodoo and use you to destroy the Alliance of Free Blogs. But then I read the fine print on the ritual scroll and discovered that I needed blood from each of you, too, so I had to trick you into coming here in order to gather your precious life-fluids.

Harv: Bullshit! You didn't trick us into coming here. Accusing you was MY idea. I thought it up all by myself!

Evil Glenn: Subliminal message in that hardcore bondage porn movie you downloaded last night.

Harv: I... uh... don't know what Glenn's talking about... uh... but I suppose it wouldn't hurt to humor him...

Bartender: Wait a second... Voodoo?... I thought you worshipped Satan?

Evil Glenn: Satan? BAH! Why would I worship him? What's he ever done for ME?

Harv: Made you the untouchable Dominar of the Ecosystem?

Evil Glenn: I mean lately...

Bartender: He helped you win the lottery a couple weeks ago.

Evil Glenn: Lately, as in "today"...

Matt [noticing a nearby FedEx package]: He sent you a new inflatable sheep.

Evil Glenn: That's... uh... a gift for a friend!

Bartender: How come it has a blending attachment?

Evil Glenn: Just answer the question! What's Satan done for me in the last 10 minutes?

[silence]

Evil Glenn: I rest my case! After all the slaughtered hobos, I get NOTHING! He's abandoned me! He's the most feeble, pathetic excuse for an anthropomorphic personification of evil that ever...

Harv: Um... Glenn...

Evil Glenn: WHAT!

Harv: Maybe you shouldn't say that...

Evil Glenn: ...he's standing behind me, isn't he?

Bartender: Let's see, 20 feet tall, horns, hooves, pitchfork...

Matt: Could be Hillary...

Harv: Face isn't hairy enough.

Satan: SILENCE! SO... GLENN... WHAT'S THIS ABOUT NOT WORSHIPPING ME ANYMORE?

Evil Glenn: Uh... um... er... Look! I brought you some hobos!

Satan: DON'T F*** WITH ME, LAWYER! THESE MEN ALL HAVE HOMES AND JOBS!... ALTHOUGH PADDY O'TATERTOT IS A NEAR MISS ON THE BOOZING FRONT...

Matt: Hey!

Bartender [kicking Matt in the shin]: Shut up, Paddy! Don't interrupt the nice Prince of Darkness.

Satan: I FIND YOUR LACK OF FAITH DISTURBING, MR. REYNOLDS. YOU SHALL BE PUNISHED FOR YOUR INSOLENCE!

Evil Glenn: So... I'm in deep shit, ain't I?

Satan: FUNNY YOU SHOULD SAY THAT... MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

...with a snap of his black-taloned fingers, Satan disappeared in a cloud of sulfurous smoke. When it cleared, Glenn was nowhere to be found...

Harv: Bored now.

Matt: Even worse, we didn't get our stuff back.

Bartender: I'm NOT leaving here without my lucky shot glass. HEY! SATAN!

Satan [reappearing in a sulfurous cloud]: WHAT!

Bartender: Ya know, we didn't come all this way for nothing. I want my shot glass!

Harv: And I want my $5 graffiti bill!

Matt: And I want my box of Lucky Charms!

Satan: DO I LOOK LIKE THE F***ING WIZARD OF OZ? PISS OFF!

Bartender: Then you leave us no choice but to bind you into serving us by reading a passage from the Good Book... Matty?...

Matt: "The word "please" is your most important tool for winning friends and influencing people..."

Satan: NOOOOOOOOO! NOT "PLEASE"! I CAN'T STAND IT WHEN PEOPLE SPEAK FRENCH!

Harv: Actually, it's NOT Fren...

Bartender [kicking Harv in the shin and whispering harshly]: shut! up!

Satan: ALL RIGHT! ALL RIGHT! HERE'S YOUR CRAP BACK! JUST RELEASE ME FROM YOUR SPELL!

Bartender: Ok, Matt, say the magic words.

Matt: "Eat shit & die, you maggot-infested monkey-humper".

... Satan disappeared in a cloud of foul-smelling smoke, after which we gathered our belongings and high-tailed it back to the Drunkmobile. After half an hour of doing donuts on Glenn's front lawn (because it's FUN... duh!) we made our way back to Madfish Willie's for a beer and an epilogue...

Matt: Wonder what Satan meant by that "deep shit" remark?

Harv: Don't know... but on a completely unrelated topic, have you seen this story about a man who was so desperate to get his hands on a dog that he dove into a manure pit?

Matt: Interesting... yet I'm sure this story is completely unrelated to our recent adventure.

Bartender: Hey! Which one of you cheap bastards is gonna pay for these drinks?

[Matt, Harv, & the Bartender all look at each other in silence]

[IN UNISON]: One! Two! Three!.... ROCK!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN - ATTORNEY GENERAL

(A FILTHY LIE)

After the Senate failed to confirm Alberto Gonzales as US Attorney General, President Bush nominated Glenn Reynolds.

Yes, W. was aware of Glenn's long record of evil deeds - he just wanted to screw with the Senate as payback for being a bunch of dicks.

Things got off to a rocky start, and soon went careening downhill completely out of control, not unlike a skiing Kennedy.

Some selected excerpts from the transcript follow. The full version may be found at www.yappityyapproceduralbullshit.gov, unless Hosting Matters got DDOS'ed again.

Sen Hatch: Now, Mr. Reynolds, I'm sure you'd make a fine Attorney General, but my fellow Senators and just have a few simple questions for...

Evil Glenn: INSIGNIFICANT WORM! HOW DARE YOU QUESTION ME! YOU WILL ALL KNEEL BEFORE MY FEARSOME VISAGE! KNEEL I SAY! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!

Sen Hatch: I'm sorry, Mr. Reynolds, your microphone was off. Could you please repeat that?

Evil Glenn: I said, "How may I assist your inquiry?"

Sen Hatch: I have your resume here... it says that you worked in the lumber industry?

Evil Glenn: Huh?

Sen Hatch: As a... logger?

Evil Glenn: Blogger, actually, although I've been known to cut down a few things from time to time...

Sen Hatch: So you dance in wooden shoes?

Evil Glenn: No, that would be a "clogger".

Sen Hatch: Wait... I thought that was a nickname for a plumber... you know, yanking greasy hair and such...

Evil Glenn: That would be a "wrestler".

Sen Hatch: Ah yes, I remember your match with The Rock. Heh. Kicked his ass pretty good, you did.

Evil Glenn: Um... yeah... so what's that have to do with being Attorney General?

Sen. Hatch: Oh, nothing. I just like seeing sweaty, muscular men grappling. Anyway, next question: if you were appointed Attorney General, what laws would you pass?

Evil Glenn: Actually, the Attorney General just enforces the laws. It's Congress's job to pass the laws.

Sen. Feinstein: I thought a Congressman's job was to bring porkbarrel projects back to his constituents?

Sen. Kennedy: Wait... I thought that was Senator Kerry's job?

Sen. Hatch: No, his job was to destroy the Democratic Party.

Sen. Schumer: I thought that was Karl Rove's job?

Sen. Feinstein: John Kerry is actually Karl Rove?

Sen. Kennedy: I thought John Kerry was Lurch?

Sen. Schumer: Don't be stupid! He's Gomer Pyle!

[various Senators talking over each other]: Herman Munster! Droopy Dog! Goofy! Treebeard! Keith Richards! Jane Fonda!

Evil Glenn: He's the severed head from "Re-Animator", now can we PLEASE get on with the hearing?

Sen. Feingold: All I know is that Kerry's not President.

Sen. Hatch: What? He's NOT? That's not what I heard from the exit poll data! What happened?

Sen. Feingold: He just didn't have what it takes for the Presidency.

Evil Glenn: Yeah, he lost those electoral votes in Ohio...

Sen. Feingold: No, I mean he never had sex with an intern.

Sen. Hatch: Wait... I thought it was a Senator's job to have sex with interns?

Sen. Feinstein: No, that's the President's job.

Sen. Schumer: Wait... I thought it was the President's job to kill campaign workers?

Sen. Hatch: No, that's Ted Kennedy's job.

Sen. Kennedy: And I got away with it too! BWAHAHAHAHAHA! [dances drunken Irish jig on table]

Evil Glenn: Please! Please! This is supposed to be a happy occasion! Let's not bicker and argue about who killed who. We are here today to confirm me as Attorney General...

Sen. Kennedy: Wait a minute... NOW I remember you... you were in here last summer passing out cash & hookers trying to get us to vote for some blogging law. Then you blended a puppy on the Senate floor and nearly got us all voted out of office! I remember that horrible day so clearly... one of the most awful experiences of my life... you took so long getting that thing blended that I nearly achieved sobriety. It took me an entire bottle of gin to get back to my normal level of slur & stumble.

Evil Glenn: But... but... you're not going to hold that against me, are you?

Sen. Hatch: I'm afraid we can't allow someone who commits heinous acts like purposely sobering up Irishmen to be Attorney General.

Evil Glenn: Oh, come on! There was only that one other time... I mean... uh... that thing with Kennedy was the only time. Please! Mercy! I beg of you!

Sen. Hatch: Sorry, Mr. Reynolds, we have a sacred duty to the American people to...

Evil Glenn: I'll give you cash & hookers.

Sen. Hatch: ... to nominate only the most highly qualified person for the office of Attorney General. Which is you. All in favor say "aye".

[All]: AYE!

Evil Glenn: YES! WHOO-HOO! I'm in! [does celebratory Robot Dance]

Sen. Hatch: What the F***? NO! NO! NO! Strike that vote from the record! Geez! If we want some rhythmless feeb twitching on the Senate floor we'll hire William Hung. Now get out of here!

Evil Glenn: But the cash & hookers...

Sen. Hatch: They can stay. SECURITY! Take him to the dungeon!

Security: Um... Senator?... Remember? We had to close down the dungeon? Abu-Ghraib? Scandal?

Sen. Hatch: Aw CRAP! Damn bleeding-heart liberals!

Sen. Kennedy: Hey!

Sen. Hatch: No offense, Ted... Ok, just take him to the most wretched hive of scum and villainy you can find.

Security: Yes sir.

Sen. Kennedy: And bring me back some gin, boy!

Glenn hasn't been heard from since, although I could SWEAR that the guy wielding the riding crop in this video looks vaguely familiar...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

(hat tip to Gerard of American Digest for the nightmare fuel).

HOW EVIL GLENN SPENT HIS LOTTERY WINNINGS

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was snowed in all week, but a friend of mine who lives in Memphis did me the favor of rooting through Evil Glenn's trash to see if there were any tell-tale indicators of how Glenn spent his lottery winnings.

There was surprisingly little to find. Seems most of Glenn's trash cans are filled with full bottles of Thunderbird, Night Train, and MD 20/20. Hobo-bait, I guess.

But there was one small bag of actual trash. In amongst the bloodied clumps of fur were 4 interesting items. All innocent by themselves, but put them together, and a pattern emerges.

First, this list titled "Flavors":

Affenpinscher
Afghan Hound
Airedale Terrier
Akita
Alaskan Malamute
American Eskimo Dog
American Foxhound
American Staffordshire Terrier
American Water Spaniel
Anatolian Shepherd Dog
Australian Cattle Dog
Australian Shepherd
Australian Terrier
Basenji
Basset Hound
Beagle
Bearded Collie
Bedlington Terrier
Belgian Malinois
Belgian Sheepdog
Belgian Tervuren
Bernese Mountain Dog
Bichon Frise
Black and Tan Coonhound
Black Russian Terrier
Bloodhound
Border Collie
Border Terrier
Borzoi
Boston Terrier
Bouvier des Flandres
Boxer
Briard
Brittany
Brussels Griffon
Bull Terrier
Bulldog
Bullmastiff
Cairn Terrier
Canaan Dog
Cardigan Welsh Corgi
Cavalier King Charles Spaniel
Chesapeake Bay Retriever
Chihuahua
Chinese Crested
Chinese Shar-Pei
Chow Chow
Clumber Spaniel
Cocker Spaniel
Collie
Curly-Coated Retriever
Dachshund
Dalmatian
Dandie Dinmont Terrier
Doberman Pinscher
English Cocker Spaniel
English Foxhound
English Setter
English Springer Spaniel
English Toy Spaniel
Field Spaniel
Finnish Spitz
Flat-Coated Retriever
French Bulldog
German Pinscher
German Shepherd Dog
German Shorthaired Pointer
German Wirehaired Pointer
Giant Schnauzer
Glen of Imaal Terrier
Golden Retriever
Gordon Setter
Great Dane
Great Pyrenees
Greater Swiss Mountain Dog
Greyhound
Harrier
Havanese
Ibizan Hound
Irish Setter
Irish Terrier
Irish Water Spaniel
Irish Wolfhound
Italian Greyhound
Japanese Chin
Keeshond
Kerry Blue Terrier
Komondor
Kuvasz
Labrador Retriever
Lakeland Terrier
Lhasa Apso
Löwchen
Maltese
Manchester Terrier
Mastiff
Miniature Bull Terrier
Miniature Pinscher
Miniature Schnauzer
Neapolitan Mastiff
Newfoundland
Norfolk Terrier
Norwegian Elkhound
Norwich Terrier
Nova Scotia Duck Tolling Retriever
Old English Sheepdog
Otterhound
Papillon
Parson Russell Terrier
Pekingese
Pembroke Welsh Corgi
Petit Basset Griffon Vendéen
Pharaoh Hound
Pointer
Polish Lowland Sheepdog
Pomeranian
Poodle
Portuguese Water Dog
Pug
Puli
Rhodesian Ridgeback
Rottweiler
Saint Bernard
Saluki
Samoyed
Schipperke
Scottish Deerhound
Scottish Terrier
Sealyham Terrier
Shetland Sheepdog
Shiba Inu
Shih Tzu
Siberian Husky
Silky Terrier
Skye Terrier
Smooth Fox Terrier
Soft Coated Wheaten Terrier
Spinone Italiano
Staffordshire Bull Terrier
Standard Schnauzer
Sussex Spaniel
Tibetan Spaniel
Tibetan Terrier
Toy Fox Terrier
Vizsla
Weimaraner
Welsh Springer Spaniel
Welsh Terrier
West Highland White Terrier
Whippet
Wire Fox Terrier
Wirehaired Pointing Griffon
Yorkshire Terrier

Second, a printout of the Ellington's Puppy Emporium home page.

Third, a catalog from World Wide Kitchens. Page 78 was dog-eared and contained the following picture:

(click to enlarge)

So it looks like he's re-stocking his fridge and upgrading his kitchen appliances.

But he could've done that before. Where does the $100 million come in?

Well, I don't have all the answers, but judging by the final item:

I think Evil Glenn is using the money to start a puppy-shake franchise.

And he must be stopped!

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN'S NEW YEAR

(A FILTHY LIE)

Deep in a castle, located somewhere in darkest Memphis, a vampiric-looking gentleman sat on a throne of blackest ice, scuffing his socks-and-sandals clad feet agitatedly on the stone floor as he contemplated his latest blog-post:

Another added benefit of this earthquake is that the problem of high birth rates in these third world countries need matter no more, with this so-called "disaster" to even out the ratio of births to deaths. Less peasants in the third world equals less of the money I pay in taxes being spent on ‘Aid’ or emotional extortion, as I like to call it.

Evil Glenn [finger poised above delete button]: No, too compassionate... yet compassion DOES seem to be the "in" thing these days... Maybe I should resolve to be a kinder, gentler blogger in 2005... Maybe I should embrace my inner child and [bulk of introspective soliloquy deleted as a mercy to readers]... But who would I ask for advice on such an important decision?... I know! I'll just Google semi-randomly and...

[shortly thereafter, at a house located somewhere in the frozen wastes of Wisconsin...]

[ring... ring... ring]

Harv: Hello?

Evil Glenn: Hi! Have you reviewed your insurance needs lately?

Harv: A telemarketer! Thank God! I was afraid you might be a dark blogospheric overlord looking for advice on a deeply personal issue...

Evil Glenn: Oh man. You ain't gonna like THIS one, Currency Freak...

Harv: Crap. It's you. And stop calling me Currency Freak. I don't post Graffiti Currency anymore.

Evil Glenn: What about Wednesday night's post?

Harv: ... YOU SHUT UP! It was only ONE little blog entry... Besides... it's a TWELVE step program... I'm kinda stuck on step one... you ever tried being an atheist in search of a higher power?

Evil Glenn: There's always Satan...

Harv: And again with the shut up, please. So... what's got your knickers twisted this time?

Evil Glenn: Well, it's just a little existential angst about conflicting paradigms and my...

Harv: Can it, Hamlet. Cut to the chase.

Evil Glenn: I thought you could help me with my New Year's resolution to be more compassionate in 2005.

Harv: Why me?

Evil Glenn: Because you're the #1 Google hit for it.

Harv: "Compassionate"?

Evil Glenn: Well... "compassionate penguin porn"...

Harv: I was WONDERING how that one got in my referer logs. So... whaddya wanna know?

Evil Glenn: How do I stop being such a vile, ruthless, despicable bastard?

Harv: Lawyer.

Evil Glenn: Exactly. I want to be more thoughtful, loving, caring, and vaguely effeminate, like you.

Harv: Vaguely effeminate?

Evil Glenn: OK, not so vaguely. Are you going to help me or not?

Harv: Not if you're going to be insulting.

Evil Glenn: FINE! Grossly effeminate! Now make with the helpity-help!

Harv: That's better. And you just got your first lesson. When seeking assistance, ask nicely. Write that down.

Evil Glenn: OK. Ask... nicely... Then what?

Harv: Next you've got to change some of your... bad habits. No more blending puppies.

Evil Glenn: But I need the energy!

Harv: That's why God created cocaine. Next... stop murdering hobos.

Evil Glenn: But how will I appease Satan's blood-lust so that I can stay on top of the Ecosystem?

Harv: That's another thing. No more worshipping Princes of Darkness. Now, I don't expect you to go cold turkey, but try something a little less evil.

Evil Glenn: Karl Rove?

Harv: I said LESS evil!

Evil Glenn: Rumsfeld?

Harv: Actually, I was thinking Condi Rice, but that's a start. Now... about your choice of footwear...

Evil Glenn: What?... You've got a problem with Birkenstocks & knee-high Hello Kitty socks?

Harv: Do you want my help or not?

Evil Glenn: Yeah, yeah... pink pumps with little sparklies?

Harv: They're not open toe, are they?

Evil Glenn: No

Harv: They'll do.

Evil Glenn: Next I suppose you'll want me to stop punching Frank J.?

Harv: HELL no. You can smack him around 'till the cows come home. If he's incapacitated, I get to guest post at IMAO.

Evil Glenn: That doesn't sound very compassionate...

Harv: Hey! I'm the one giving the advice! You just keep taking notes!

Evil Glenn: ... just sayin', is all...

Harv: Anyway, one more thing and you be as vaguely effeminate...

Evil Glenn: Grossly effeminate...

Harv: Whatever... as me. You need to give up penguin porn.

Evil Glenn: Give up... oh... no... no, no, no. We shan't be doing that.

Harv: Sorry, Glenn. The road to compassion travels not through penguinperv.com.

Evil Glenn: But... But... I just CAN'T give it up! Those stubby wings... that sensuous waddle... those silky little feathers... I... mmmm... oooohhh... feathers... yes... YES!

Harv: Glenn... what are you doing?

Evil Glenn: Uh... I gotta go...

[click]

Well, I don't know what was so important that Glenn couldn't hang around...

But I have noticed a lot of hits for "penguin latex furry handcuffs" in my referer logs lately...

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

[hat tip to Sally of Whimsy Capricious for the pointer to "Evil Glenn's" post]

EVIL GLENN'S SECRET IDENTITY

(A FILTHY LIE)

I was over at blogdaughter Sally's site, Whimsy Capricious, where she pointed out that Sir Peter Maxwell has denied being Glenn Reynolds.

Indeed.

Let's take a closer look at this "denial":

It has come to my attention that a group by the name of ‘Alliance Of Free Blogs’ have become somewhat interested in the Maxwellian philosophy and have written a few bizarre articles claiming that I am a chap called ‘Evil Glenn’. My infamy is spreading by the day and I must say that there seems to be an almost cult like worship starting to develop around me.

Please notice that AT NO POINT DOES HE ACTUALLY DENY BEING GLENN REYNOLDS!

In fact, this further confirms that they ARE the same person. Notice the seemingly innocent injection of this phrase:

cult like worship

Now, if you'll recall, the original Maxwell-Reynolds connection was drawn based on Maxwell's lust for hobo-murder:

If you accidentally kill a homeless person it does not matter, they are not legally recognised citizens and you are doing society a favour anyway.

Oddly, this doesn't mention the reason that Reynolds gives for murdering hobos:

"You're right; I can't worship Satan... until I first murder a hobo in his evil name!" Glenn Reynolds then laughed even more evilly.

However, "Maxwell" NOW mentions "worship"... mere coincidence, or a craftily embedded clue?

And in THIS thread from his forums, he mentions "pornography"

The peasants are not responsible enough to enjoy pornography, peasants should not get ideas about climbing the ladder of wealth.

The Great Chain of Being prohibits this, and it is God's will.

True, he doesn't mention "penguins", but - as with the hobo post - he's probably separating the key words to maintain plausible deniability.

However, please note that both "peasants" and "penguins" begin with "pe" - a sly hint, perhaps?

You want more? I've got it.

This post on homosexuality... he uses the phrase:

prance and mince

Which are words that describe effeminate, dance-like motions... DANCING!

And what KIND of dancing does Evil Glenn do?:

He then started doing the robot dance[...]

This time, "Maxwell" doesn't even hesitate to give away the game:

...he was a mere robot following my orders...

We've got you dead to rights, Reynolds/Maxwell. You might as well just come out and tell the world:

Sir Peter Maxwell IS Glenn Reynolds!

The. Mask. Is. Off.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

HOW EVIL GLENN STOLE THE CHRISTMAS ASSIGNMENT

(A FILTHY LIE ASSIGNMENT)
(WITH PROFUSE APOLOGIES TO THE LATE DR. SEUSS)

Every blogger
In the blogosphere
Liked the Alliance a lot...

But Evil Glenn,
Who lived atop the Ecosystem,
Did NOT!

Evil Glenn hated the Alliance!
And their stupid assignments
With the funny rejoinders and their witty refinements.
It could be that his head wasn't screwed on quite right.
It could be, perhaps, that his shoes were too tight.
But I think that the most likely reason of all
May have been that his manhood was two sizes too small.

But,
Whatever the reason,
His shoes or his willy,
He stood there on Christmas Eve, just hating them silly,
Staring down from his castle with a sour, Evil Glenn frown
As humorous posts on their sites did abound.
For he knew every blogger in the Alliance below
Was busy now, writing, so their humor would show.

"And this new assignment" he snarled with a sneer.
"About "Evil Glenn's Christmas! It's practically here!"
Then he growled, with his Glenn fingers nervously drumming,
"I MUST find a way to keep this assignment from coming!"
For, tomorrow, he knew...

...All the bloggers would rise
Out of bed bright and early. Then they'd write Filthy Lies!
And then! Oh, the lies! Oh, the lies! Lies! Lies! Lies!
That's one thing he hated! The LIES! LIES! LIES! LIES!

Then the bloggers, young and old, would sit down to post.
And they'd post! And they'd post!
And they'd POST! POST! POST! POST!
They'd challenge his standing as the man who blogged most
Which meant Instapundit couldn't sit back and coast.

And THEN
They'd do something that he liked least of all!
Every blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Would link to each other, OH! The links they'd be flinging
They'd turn on their trackbacks. And then they'd start pinging!

They'd ping! And they'd ping!
AND they'd PING! PING! PING! PING!
And the more Evil Glenn thought of the Alliance-Blog-Ping
The more Evil Glenn thought, "I must stop this whole thing!
"Why for over a year I've put up with it now!
I MUST stop this assignment from coming!
...But HOW?"

Then he got an idea!
An awful idea!
Evil Glenn
GOT A WONDERFUL, AWFUL IDEA!

"I know just what to do!" Evil Glenn laughed in his throat.
And he made a quick Frank J. katana and Colt.
And he chuckled, and clucked, "What a great trick to play!
"With this sword and this gun, I'll look just like Frank J.!"

"All I need is a T-shirt babe..."
Evil Glenn looked around.
But since hot babes are scarce, there was none to be found.
Did that stop Evil Glenn...?
No! Evil Glenn simply said,
"If I can't find a T-shirt babe, I'll make one instead!"
So he grabbed his dog Max. Who he'd blended that morn'
And covered his corpse with some photoshopped porn.

THEN
He logged on his blog
With a flick of his wrist
If the Alliance found out
They would surely be pissed.

Then Evil Glenn started posting
Spreading word all around
Instapundit was quitting
And his blog he'd shut down.

His front page would go dark. With no more "Indeeds".
The Alliance could stop whacking Glenn with their screeds
And turn off their Instapundit RSS feeds.
"I'll not be number one," old Evil Glenn hissed
"The Alliance can take me off of their enemies list."

Glenn hated to lie to all his blog friends.
But if the Alliance could do it, then so could Evil Glenn.
He got stuck only once, for a moment or two.
But kept typing onward until he was through.
He'd trick the Alliance, they never would know.
"In a blog war," he grinned, "truth is the first thing to go!"

Then he slithered and slunk, the black-hearted fink,
To Alliance HQ, then he clicked every link!
Cornpone! Physics Geek! Frizzen Sparks! Zoo!
Drama Queen! Brain Shavings! There's One, Only!, too!
And he stuffed all their comments with a link to his post.
With hopes that they'd soon tell the Alliance's host!

Then he slunk to their blogrolls and clicked all their friends!
Disguising the source of the message he sends!
So the word soon got out just as quick as a flash.
Why, the Alliance had finally kicked Evil Glenn's ass!

Then he filled all their comments with just a few tries.
"And NOW!" grinned Evil Glenn, "There will be no more lies!"

Evil Glenn laughed at the crap he'd started to post
When he saw a new comment - much smarter than most.
He clicked the comment link and discovered just who!
Sexy Susie-Lou Who, and her boobs, One and Two.

Evil Glenn had been caught by this blogosphere daughter
Upon his sly plans she had just thrown cold water.
She stared at Evil Glenn and said, "Frank J, why,
"Why are YOU shutting down Instapundit? WHY?"

But, you know, Evil Glenn was so smart and so slick
He thought up a lie, and he thought it up quick!
"Why, my sweet little siren," the fake Frank J. lied,
"Evil Glenn is good now, he's come to our side.
"So I'm taking his blog down, but I'll bring it back funny.
"The Alliance will rule all, and we'll have bags of money!"

And his fib fooled sweet Susie. Then he patted her head
And he got her a fireman and he sent her to bed.
And when Susie-Lou Who went to bed with her man,
Like a cowardly Frenchman, Evil Glenn turned and ran!

Then the last thing he hacked
Was the referer log.
Then he put up his feet, as he blended a dog.
Sure that confusion would spread through the Alliance like fog.

And then with an Instalanche
He crashed all their servers
And kicked back with the latest "Penguins for Perverts".

Then
He did the same thing
To every last blog.

Leaving bandwith
So thin that
It couldn't NOT clog!

It was quarter past dawn...
Servers crashing pell-mell
All the bloggers, still un-logged-on
When he packed up his Dell,
Packed it up with their links! And their traffic! And pings!
With their hot-buttered porn stars in leathery things!

With no one to challenge his Higher Being perch,
He Robot-Danced happily in Satan's church!
"Pooh-pooh to the bloggers!" he was Glenn-ily humming.
"They're finding out now that no assignment is coming!
"They're just waking up! I know just what they'll do!
"Their mouths will hang open a minute or two
"The all the bloggers in the Alliance will all blog BOO-HOO!"

"That's a post," grinned Evil Glenn,
"That I simply must read!"
He chuckled as he turned on his computer... "Indeed!"
And he did see some posts on the blogs he had thrashed.
On the ones that he THOUGHT he had thoroughly trashed...

But these postings weren't sad!
Why, they sounded quite merry!
It couldn't be so!
But they WERE merry! VERY!

He stared down at the blogs!
Evil Glenn popped his eyes!
Then he shook!
What he saw was a shocking surprise!

Every Blogger in the Alliance, the big and the small,
Was posting their assignment! They were NOT fooled at all!
He HADN'T stopped the assignment from coming!
IT CAME!
Somehow or other, it came just the same!

And Evil Glenn, with his Robot Dance paused in mid-thrust,
Stood puzzling and puzzling: "How could it be thus?
It came without linkage! It came without posts!
"It came without DSL! Dial-up! Or hosts!"
And he puzzled three hours, `till his puzzler was sore.
Then Evil Glenn thought of something he hadn't before!
"Maybe assignments aren't just a way to link-whore.
"Maybe if *I* did an assignment, I could even the score!"

And what happened then...?
Well...in the Alliance they say
With Enzyte, Glenn's small wang
Grew three sizes that day!
And the minute he decided to share some of his links,
And declared that the Alliance wasn't just lying finks
He brought back the traffic! And he proved himself best
When he...

...HE HIMSELF...!
Evil Glenn... said

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

DAN RATHER REPLACED BY INSTAPUNDIT?

(A FILTHY LIE)

With Dan Rather leaving the CBS Evening News, there's been some chatter around the blogosphere that Glenn Reynolds would make a good replacement.

I guess good is a relative term, depending on good for whom and for what. Let's take a look at some of the probable changes and see...

Somewhere along the line, you can probably expect a penguin to have a Janet Jackson moment during one of Glenn's broadcasts. I'd call this a bad thing for everyone, except, perhaps for Straight White Eric's wife.

The DNC will continue to be made to look like ineffectual fools. That's good.

CBS news will now be on 120 times a day, 15 seconds at a time. Also expect 360 daily programming interruptions for updates. VERY bad. Especially for Survivor fans.

Moving CBS headquarters to Memphis will help pull in viewers from the coveted hillbilly demographic. This will mean more beer commercials featuring scantily-clad women. VERY good.

My odds of getting an Instalanche will remain at zero. Probably good for me to stay under his radar, considering what I've been saying about him.

Admit it. You've always wanted to see a hobo murdered live on national TV. Good thing.

CBS News will FINALLY be the number one Google hit for something. Probably "penguin porn". Bad for me, since that's MY bragging point.

All things considered, put me down in the... [flips coin]... "against" column for this Reynolds-replacing-Rather notion.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

THE ALLIANCE ANTHEM

(A FILTHY LIE)

The blog world once was peaceful, every blogger would play fair
With hits and links for everyone, so nicely would they share
Then Instapundit came along and climbed atop the charts
His status long unchallenged, his dark evil ruled these parts.

Until Frank J. rose up in rage and said "I'll stop him cold!"
"About Glenn Reynolds filthy lies will forever more be told!"
"He blends small puppies into shakes and drinks them by the hour!"
"He murders hobos at black mass and worships Satan's power!"

"He praises filthy commies then he does the robot dance!"
"He punched me in the head one time, I never stood a chance!"
And so Frank J the Alliance formed to spread these filthy lies,
In hopes that Instapundit would have to listen to our cries.

The days passed by, but even though Glenn tightened up his grip.
More lies were told and more free blogs would through his fingers slip.
"Evil Glenn's a vampire!", "He wears sandals with his socks!"
"He likes to watch nude penguins as they run around in flocks!"

With every passing week a new assignment would come out.
On yet another topic for more lies to be about.
His favorite song, his part-time job, his Evil Christmas, too
And just what he was doing down in Memphis at the zoo.

And still today our fight goes on, resisting Reynolds' reach
We hope to land the blogosphere some day on freedom's beach
So join the Alliance of Free Blogs, it really is the best.
And sing with us our freedom cry - INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN'S AMUSEMENT PARK

(A FILTHY LIE)

The following is a transcript of a conversation between myself and Glenn Reynolds.

Here's a llama, there's a llama
and another little llama,
fuzzy llama, funny llama,
llama, llama, duck.

What the...?

Looks like I must've taped over the first part. Just a sec

[fast forwards]

Ah. Here we go...

Harv: You built a hobo-themed amusement park in Berkeley?

Evil Glenn: Why not? They've got a thriving homeless population there, and I figured this would be a good way to keep them from getting all sterno'd up and wandering away before I could sacrifice them to Satan in exchange for the dark powers that keep me atop the ecosystem.

Harv: But what about the rest of the population? The gays? The college students?

Evil Glenn: Hobos, homos, hippies, hobie cats... whatever. Satan's not particular about spelling when it comes to unholy offerings. He's the Prince of Darkness, not an English teacher.

Harv: Funny. I thought my English teacher WAS Satan.

Evil Glenn: Your English teacher had horns and cloven hooves?

Harv: Well, she had horn-rim glasses. I couldn't tell about the hooves. She always wore heels.

Evil Glenn: Satan's not a woman.

Harv: [pause] This coming from a married man?...

Evil Glenn: ... Touché. Anyway, you'll LOVE Glennyland. It's got...

Where can you see lions? Only in Kenya.
Come to Kenya, we've got lions.
Where can you see tigers? Only in Kenya.
Got lions & tigers only in Kenya.
Forget Norway.

DAMMIT!

[fast forwards]

Harv: Ok, I'll admit the Bumcot Center sounds pretty cool - an entire city run by hobo-energy. It's hard to believe you found a way to extract power from layabout alcoholics. Sounds like something out of The Matrix.

Evil Glenn: Actually, it's based more on the Irish railroad-worker model of the 19th century, but it's almost the same thing.

Harv: I'll have to warn Matty O'Blackfive. Meanwhile, I really can't let you continue to destroy innocent lives like this. Prepare to be thwarted!

Evil Glenn: MUAHAHAHAHAHA! You are powerless against me! There's no way to prevent Glennylands from opening in every city of the nation!... Well, I suppose there is ONE exploitable flaw in my plan. If you...

BadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadgerBadger
MUSHROOM! MUSHROOM!

awwww CRAP!

[fast forwards]

Who loves the chocolate?
Everyone loves the chocolate.
Nobody hates the chocolate.
'Cos everyone loves the chocolate!

Son of a...

[fast forwards]

The treasure of Duck Pond Island will soon be mine!

Lousy piece o'...

[fast forwards]

Everyone loves magical Trevor
'Cuz the tricks that he does are ever so clever.

[fast forwards]

I've seen things, I've seen them with my eyes.
I've seen things, they're often in disguise.
Like carrots, handbags, cheese...

[fast forwards]

[tape breaks]

Ah screw it. Just watch this weird Korean cat/rabbit version of a Pepe LePew cartoon while I try to get Glenn back on the phone.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN'S HALLOWEEN

(A FILTHY LIE)

Seeking to avoid door-answering duty (and the accompanying hordes of sticky-fingered brats in plastic masks), I slipped down to Madfish Willie's Cyber Saloon for a cold one on Halloween.

Harv: Hey Bartender!

Bartender: F*** you.

Harv: Yes, I *would* like a Guinness, thank you. Say, I like your costume.

Bartender: Costume?

Harv: Yeah... dress, earrings, lipstick, wig...

Bartender: It's not for Halloween

Harv: So you're NOT Tom Hanks from the Bosom Buddies days?

Bartender: All I'm saying is NEVER bet on the Cardinals.

Harv: Point taken. Ya know, I... OO! Candy corn! [stuffs handful into mouth] GAH! *spitooie!* Oh my GOD! Evil Glenn's trying to sabotage the nation's candy supply, just like he did last Easter! We've got stop him! Quick! To the Dru...

Bartender: BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harv: What's so funny?

Bartender: YOU, dumbass! Halloween is for tricks & treats. That was the trick. That wasn't candy corn, those were painted rabbit turds! WHOOOO-HAHAHAHA! You shoulda seen your face!

Harv: DAMMIT, Bartender! You really shouldn't joke around about Evil Glenn. It's NOT a laughing matter. He's the number one threat to the blogosphere.

Bartender: I thought the number one threat was comment porn-spam?

Harv: Actually, that's number three. You forgot about... [insert dramatic music]... evil monkeys.

Bartender: Heh. You like spanking your evil monkey!

Harv: Which is not germane to the task at hand, i.e. stopping Evil Glenn's nefarious plot to substitute painted rabbit turds for candy corn.

Bartender: Stupid fartknocker! I just told you that was MY idea!

Harv: So he's a plagiarist, too? This is worse than I thought! Quickly! To the Dru...

Bartender: Look, ya retarded little buttlizard, I'm not going ANYWHERE with you! There's no Evil Glenn plot to foil, and...

Harv: I'll pay my bar tab.

Bartender: ... TO THE DRUNKMOBILE!

...We drove quickly through the night toward the Forbidden City of Memphis and the Black Repository of Evil known as Castle Glenn, pausing only to pass out "candy corn" at a Kerry rally in boxes marked "Taste Kerry's Presidency". After laughing ourselves silly over the sight of filthy hippies projectile-vomiting on each other, we soon arrived at our destination...

[*ERRRRRTTTT!* CRASH!]

Harv: Damn, Bartender. I think you just disenfranchised Glenn's mailbox. Where the hell did you learn to park?

Bartender: Used to be a valet in a Japanese shopping mall.

Harv: Have I ever told you you're a complete psycho?

Bartender: Less talking, more foiling Glenn. Let's go.

... We walked up Evil Glenn's oddly bottle-strewn sidewalk and I rang his doorbell...

Intercom Voice: Look! I told you... NO TRICK OR TREATERS! Now fall into my dungeon and leave me alone! [trap door opens in the sidewalk to our right]

Harv: Mr. Reynolds?

Evil Glenn: ... Um... could you please take a step to your right?

Bartender: No.

Evil Glenn: CRAP!... All right... come in...

... We pushed open the door and walked into the vast chamber, which was filled from floor to ceiling with boxes covered in Arabic writing...

Evil Glenn [coming down the stairs]: Now what the hell do you want with me? I said I was... Hey! Tom Hanks!

Harv: Never mind that. We're here to foil your evil plot!

Evil Glenn: Right... Which one?

Harv: The one where you paint rabbit turds to look like candy corn.

Bartender: Stupid assgremlin! I told you that was MY idea!

Evil Glenn: OO! Me likey! [jotting notes] candy... corn...

Harv: Plagiarist!

Evil Glenn: Hey! I'm just "borrowing". It's not like I'm John Kerry or something.

Bartender: So what's up with all these boxes?

Evil Glenn: Oh. THAT evil plot! I've been experimenting with new methods of murdering hobos for Satan. My latest idea is just brilliant! First, I leave some some half-empty bottles laying around to attract any tragically sober homeless, then...

Bartender: That would explain the bottles on the sidewalk... and all these boxes! You must have at least 380 tons of explosives here.

Harv: So THAT'S what happened to it all! How did you get it all out of Iraq?

Evil Glenn: Iraq? What are you talking about?

Bartender: Aren't these the missing Al Qaqaa explosives?

Evil Glenn: Nope. Twinkies.

Harv: Bullshit! Where would you get 380 tons of Twinkies?

... Meanwhile in Detroit...

Michael Moore: My TWINKIES! What the F*** happened to my week's supply of Twinkies?

... Meanwhile, back in Memphis...

Evil Glenn: I... have my sources. Anyway, my plan is to capture the hobos, put them in cages, and feed them nothing but Twinkies until they die of an artery blockage. MUAHAHAHAHA!

Bartender: Um... won't that take about 20 years?

Evil Glenn: I didn't say my plot was perfected!

Harv: Damn! Guess there's nothing here for us to foil, then. C'mon, Bartender, let's blow this dump!

Bartender: Yes, let's.

Evil Glenn: So you're just leaving, then?

Harv: No, I mean blow this dump as in "blow it up" [throws lit match at nearest box of Twinkies] RUN!

... Making good our escape, the Bartender & I quickly jumped into the Drunkmobile and sped off into the night...

Bartender: You stupid f***! Those were TWINKIES, not explosives!

Harv: Apparently you're not familiar with the data from the Twinkie Rapid Oxidation Test. Check it out... [calling up the web page & handing Bartender my laptop]

Bartender: Oh. My. God.

... An explosion rocked the night as a 500-foot fireball rose above Castle Glenn...

... Meanwhile in Detroit...

Michael Moore: I feel a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of voices suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced... DAMN YOU GLENN REYNOLDS! INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

FUN FACTS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS

(A FILTHY LIE)

To many people, Glenn Reynolds IS the blogosphere, and unless he talks about a subject, it doesn't blip their radar. But despite his alleged popularity, very little is known about the man behind the pixels. As a public service, I will attempt to correct this blogospheric blind spot by revealing some

FUN FACTS ABOUT GLENN REYNOLDS

Although Glenn doesn't smoke cigarettes, he DOES occasionally indulge in a fine cigar, if it's been properly Lewinskied first.

In this age of corrective eye surgery, Glenn Reynolds continues to wear glasses. This is due partly to astigmatism and partly to protect the innocent from the deadly lasers that shoot out of his eyes.

There is no truth to the rumor that the X-Men character Cyclops was based on Glenn.

Just because Glenn is a lawyer, that doesn't mean he's a bad person. After all, John Edwards is a lawyer, and he... um... Nevermind.

Glenn Reynolds is a computer expert and has written several books on the topic, including "Try Turning It Off And On", "Where the F*** Is The 'Any' Key", and "Innocent Names For Your Penguin Porn Mpeg Files".

Glenn's says that his favorite kind of dog is "any sort of 'mixed' breed", but failed to elaborate.

Glenn has exquisite taste in home furnishings. All his lampshades are from the exclusive "Ed Gein Collection" of fine leather products.

As a law professor, Glenn Reynolds is quite popular with his students, teaching such classes as "GPS Ambulance Tracking", "Juror Tears - Liquid Gold", and "Shrink the Glove, Free the Client".

Glenn Reynolds played the part of The Inanimate Carbon Rod on The Simpsons.

Which has led to some speculation that Glenn might actually be the brains behind THIS web site, although the evidence is currently inconclusive.

He also starred as "Uruk-Hai #3247" in "The Two Towers". Look closely at the beginning of the "Battle of Helm's Deep" scene. He's the one wearing glasses.

He missed getting the part of Harry Potter's magic wand because he "wasn't wooden enough". That role was eventually awarded to Al Gore.

If Glenn Reynolds bites you, you become a blogger.

An unholy, undead blogger.

And completely devoid of fashion sense.

But you'll get a lot of traffic, so it might be worth it.

On the other hand, you'll also have to put up with an unruly horde of lesser bloggers telling filthy lies about you and shouting:

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

So you can make your own call on that one.

EVIL GLENN'S SOFTWARE

(A FILTHY LIE)

I heard a rumor that Glenn Reynolds had created some sort of software, and I decided to do some investigating.

So I Googled "evil software"

Hmmm... 200,000,000 hits for Windows XP Service Pack 2.

Using "evil Glenn software" got me some better leads. I can't prove that any of these are actually his, but I have my suspicions:

Puppy Slider - click on the picture, and 15 pieces of puppy get scrambled. This is sorta like blending.

Puppy Jigsaw puzzle - by repeatedly clicking on the "arrange" button (lower right), you can rapidly move jagged puppy pieces around. Sorta like a hand-operated blender.

Puppy Curling - grab puppies by the throat and slide them across the kitchen floor. Is that white thing on the left side a wall-mounted blending-vortex-of-death?

Spaced Penguin - Doesn't seem Glenn's style at first, but notice that you're launching that penguin through a hole to start, and the playing field contains numerous spherical objects. The symbolism is fairly obvious.

Retarded Animal Babies - No blended puppies, but they sure make a mess out of that rabbit. Violence, nudity, urine, and a cartoon animal penis... it's certainly evil enough to be something Glenn would do.

Suicidal Super Puppy - This one has Glenn written all over it. Pick the power, pick the angle, Super-Puppy launches and lands with a bloody splat to the cheers of the excited crowd. Disgusting. And my high score is 1664.

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN'S DAYDREAM

(A FILTHY LIE)

Glenn Reynolds stood at the doorway of his classroom as his students exited, as he always did, just in case someone had any questions. He listened attentively as they filed by and spoke to him.

"Freak"
"Loser"
"Nerd"
"Asshole"
[*slap*]
[*knee-in-the-groin*]

Pulling himself to his feet after the ritual abuse was finished, he sighed contentedly, thinking to himself that this year's batch of young lawyers was the finest he'd ever taught.

Later, in his office, he dashed off a hundred blog-posts - each replete with devastatingly insightful commentary such "Hmmm.", "Heh.", and/or "Indeed.". He rubbed his face, leaned back in his chair, and looked at his computer screen to review what he'd just written.

But he couldn't see anything.

"Oh my God!" shrieked Glenn, "I'm blind!"

After a moment's reflection, he realized what had happened and blogged thusly;

Note to self: remove glasses before rubbing face... or at least wash the hobo blood off my hands first. Indeed.

Just then, the college Dean poked his head in the door, startling Glenn and causing him to hit "delete" instead of "post".

Glenn: Aw CRAP!

Dean: Sorry to interrupt you, Reynolds, I just... Say... you weren't blogging on University time again, were you?

Glenn: What? NO! Never! I was just working on this important completely academically-related paper on the importance of... um... Federalism and... um... habeas corpus... er... as it relates to... uh... res ipsa loquitor... and... um... Aw CRAP! Yeah, I was blogging.

Dean: Reynolds, I've told you a thousand times, University time is SACRED! It's only to be used for class-related activities. And maybe finding ways to beat Bush in November. But other than that... SACRED!

Glenn: You're right... it's just that... I... I never really wanted to be a lawyer. I'm sick of courtrooms & judges & jurors who sleep through expert witness testimony on DNA.

Dean: So what do you want to do?

Glenn: Well, I have this vision... a sort of daydream... a vision of hobos standing all crowded together... like trees in a forest... and I'd run through them... cutting them down... sorta like a lumberjack... except I'd be a lumberjack for hobos... I want to be... I want to be...

Dean: A hobojack?

Glenn: A HOBOJACK! [begin piano vamp]... Leaping from corpse to corpse as they float down the mighty rivers of British Columbia!
The hobo!
The bum!
The tramp!
The drifter!
The ne'er-do-well!
The homeless guy!

With my best penguin by my side!

We'd sing! Sing! SING!

Oh, I'm a hobojack, and I'm ok.
I sleep all night and I kill all day.

CHORUS: He's a hobojack and he's ok.
He sleeps all night and he kills all day.

Dean: Where the hell did those Mounties come from?

Glenn: I cut up bums, and flush them down,
The college lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays I go choppin'
And laugh with evil glee!

Mounties: He cuts up bums, and flushes them down
The college lavat'ry.
On Wednesdays he goes choppin'
And laughs with evil glee!

CHORUS

Glenn: I cut up bums, I punch Frank J,
I like to robot dance.
And after praising Satan,
I put spiders down my pants.

Mounties: He cuts up bums, he punches Frank J,
He likes to robot dance.
And after praising Satan,
He puts spiders... down his pants???

CHORUS

Glenn: I cut up bums, strap on some wings,
And a feather-covered bra.
I wish I'd been a penguin,
Just like my dear papa.

Mounties: He cuts up bums, straps on some wings,
And a feather???... feather-covered bra???
(spoken raggedly) What the...? Wants to be a penguin?
Bloody pengosexual! Flippin' pengie-poofter!

Dean: Oh... Glenn! I thought you were so... rugged!

CHORUS

All: He's a hobojack and he's okaaaaaaaaaayyyy... (BONG)

(Cue the Liberty Bell March)

Dean: Thanks for sharing that Glenn. You're fired.

Glenn: Fired? What? You mean I don't work here any more?

Dean: Your position has passed on! It is no more! It has ceased to be! It's expired! It's gone to meet the want ads! It's bereft of life! It rests in peace! It's pushing up the daisies! It's off the twig! It's kicked the bucket! It's shuffled off it's mortal coil, run down the curtain, and joined the bleedin' choir invisible!

YOU ARE INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

EVIL GLENN LIMERICKS

(A FILTHY LIE)

When Evil Glenn wants to have fun
Hobo murder is how it gets done.
He thinks it's quite jolly
Killing homeless, by golly
By knife, hatchet, hammer or gun.

"Please Instalanche me" people say.
A Sulli-lanche won't make my day
He leans too far left.
And his links have no heft.
And besides, at least Reynolds ain't... um... so darn festive.

There once was a penguin named Jane
Who was homely and dumpy and plain
But Jane knew that whips
Were one of Glenn's trips
And through pain soon Plain Jane was lain.

The blogosphere thought Reynolds sucked
So the Alliance his stranglehold bucked
Thanks to lie after lie
Glenn ain't sitting so high
And in fact, you could say Glenn is

INSTAPUNDO DELENDA EST!

GLENN'S SPAM

(A FILTHY LIE)

Why does the Alliance have microphones & cameras all over Evil Glenn's dark castle? So that when stuff like this happens, you can read the transcript:

[KNOCK KNOCK KNOCK]

Evil Glenn [opening door]: Yes?

Jimmy: Good afternoon, Mr. Reynolds, I'm Jimmy Jackboot from the FCC<