Fun Facts About Wyoming

With a great sigh of relief - and I'm sure I'm not alone in this - I present the last edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States:

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be wrapping up the Fun Facts About the 50 States series by fighting off a pack of rabid jackalopes as we tour Wyoming. So let's get started...

Wyoming became the 44th state on July 10th, 1890. Or maybe that was Colorado. I don't know... all those rectangular states look alike to me.

The state motto of Wyoming is "120 miles to the next rest area".

Wyoming gets its name from an Algonquin Indian word, "wa-ho-men", meaning "little too friendly with the sheep, there, cowboy".

The state song of Wyoming is "Go Back To Colorado And Ski On Your Own Mountains, Ya Damn Greenie!"

Wyoming's license plates feature black lettering on a scenic landscape background, a silhouette of a man riding a bucking bronco, and the tourism slogan "Our Women Are Like This, Too".

In 1869, Wyoming was the first state to grant women the right to vote, which earned it the nickname, "The Whipped State".

Rising nearly 1300 feet above the surrounding lands, Wyoming's Devil's Tower was designated as America's first National Monument in 1906. It also beat out Richard Dreyfuss for the Best Actor Oscar in "Close Encounters of the Third Kind" in 1977.

Black Thunder, located near Wright, Wyoming, is America's largest coal mine. It was also Al Sharpton's nickname back in his stripper days, although the two are otherwise unconnected.

The first "Dude Ranch" was the Eaton Ranch near Wolf, Wyoming. The Eatons were the first to use the word "dude" in that capacity, as the term originally referred to a burr that had gotten tangled in a horse's butt-hair.

The horse featured on Wyoming's license plate is named "Old Steamboat", after an unridable bronco that gained fame in the early 1900's. Keep that in mind before buying a package of Old Steamboat brand hot dogs.

With less than 500,000 people, Wyoming has the smallest population of any of the 50 states. Strangely, this was true even before the release of "Brokeback Mountain".

Established in 1886, the Laramie County Library located in Cheyenne, Wyoming, is the oldest continually operating county library in the United States. In 2007, they plan to consider broadening their collection to include books not written by Louis L'Amour.

Just outside of Laramie, Wyoming, the 60-foot tall stone monolith known as Ames Pyramid marks the location of the world's first rodeo. More specifically, the site where a VERY drunken Robert Ames uttered his final words, "I'll bet I can sit on top of that angry bull for 8 seconds!"

Using a firearm to fish is strictly forbidden by Wyoming law, as is chumming with city slicker body parts.

Wyoming's Nellie Tayloe Ross was the first woman Governor elected in the US. Her first official act was to outlaw jokes about her that used either "Grand Tetons" or "Jackson Hole".

Newcastle, Wyoming, has a law that specifically prohibits couples from having sex inside a store's walk-in meat freezer. I probably don't need to mention that it was passed shortly after a Bill Clinton campaign stop.

The punishment for being drunk in a mine in Wyoming is a year in jail - or "Irish Condo", as the locals call it.

The Jackalope - common in Wyoming - is a cross between a pygmy deer and a particularly vicious breed of killer rabbit. While nominally considered a pest, the animal is credited with annually bringing millions of dollars of revenue into the state through the sale of Holy Hand Grendade hunting permits.

In Wyoming, it's illegal to wear a hat in a theater that obstructs someone's view. In the event of an offense, the obstructed person is allowed to shoot the hat off the other person's head - the only time it's legal to yell "Fire!" in a crowded theater.

Jackson, Wyoming elected the first all-woman city council in 1920. The first law they passed banned fat guys in Speedos.

The spacecraft Voyager II has, as part of its artifacts cargo, an Ansel Adams photo of Jackson Hole, Wyoming. Note to space aliens - it's actually just a come-on to get you to attend a time-share seminar.

There have been numerous sightings of Bigfoot in the woods outside Jackson, Wyoming. However, most scientists theorize that he's actually just an ordinary man who went feral after being exiled for wearing a Speedo.

The first person to ski down the 14,000 foot Grand Teton mountain was Bill Briggs, in 1971. And by "ski", I mean "fall to his screaming, bloody death with skis strapped to his feet, regretting his endeavor the whole way down".

Yellowstone National Park has over 10,000 geysers in addition to the popular "Old Faithful". Also intriguing, though less well-known, are "Middle-aged Erratic" and "Young Psychotic" - affectionately known as "Mel" and "Britney", respectively.

The state flag of Wyoming features a blue field bordered in white and red with a picture in the foreground that I'll describe as, "a bison that got REALLY drunk with a bunch of his rowdy friends and decided to blow the rest of his paycheck at a tattoo parlor - which SEEMED like a good idea at the time, and that eagle IS pretty cool, but that "equal rights" thing over the picture of that ugly chick might've been a mistake in retrospect - and what's the deal with that one guy grabbing his crotch like Michael Jackson - what was I THINKING?".

In 1991, a elementary school class discovered a the bones of a new species of dinosaur during a field trip at Alcova Lake, Wyoming. Since tradition allows a discoverer to name his find, the giant prehistoric carnivore was dubbed "Fartosaurus".

In 1872, Yellowstone was designated as the world's first National Park. The first non-American National Park was Le Pew Springs, outside Paris, France. It's pungent, sulfurous waters are said to be the source of France's cherished National Odor.

Wyoming law prohibits "fat people" - defined as 100 or more pounds overweight - from using playground or park equipment. This became the inspiration for Michael Moore's documentary, "Teeter-Tottering For Columbine".

While it IS true that Cody, Wyoming was named after William "Buffalo Bill" Cody, it is NOT true that Casper, Wyoming was named after a particularly gregarious-natured spectral apparition.

The first JC Penney store opened in Kemmerer, Wyoming, in 1902. It was the first department store that featured annual visits from Santa Claus - of sorts. The Wyomingized version of the jolly holiday elf, "Saint Clint", gave cigars and ponchos to good children, while misbehaving youngsters were hogtied & branded "naughty".

That wraps up the Wyoming edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States and ends our little tour around the greatest nation on earth. Hope you had as much fun reading it as I did writing it.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to grab my Speedo and get out of Jackson.

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Fun Facts About Wisconsin

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be indulging in the official state pastime of plotting to invade Michigan and annex the Upper Peninsula as the 73rd county when we visit my home state of Wisconsin. So let's get started...

Wisconsin became the 30th state on May 29th, 1848... and seriously, why the HELL is the Upper Peninsula considered part of Michigan? Just look at a map! It doesn't even TOUCH the rest of the stupid state! This is BULLS***!

The state flag of Wisconsin is comprised of a dark blue background with a central design that was most likely created by someone with a Colorforms play set and too much time on his hands.

The state flower of Wisconsin is the "Road Construction Ahead" sign.

The Wisconsin license plate features a white background with black lettering and the tourism slogan, "Cannibal-free Since 1994!"

Wisconsin's nickname is the "Will you please shut up about Brett Favre already?" state.

According to the other 49 states, anyway.

The first typewriter was invented in Milwaukee, Wisconsin, in 1868 by C.L. Sholes. The first sentence ever typed on it was "The quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog". The second was "GAH! Carpal Tunnel!"

Although Wisconsin sports revolves around the Packers, the state DOES have a professional baseball team - the Milwaukee Brew... somethings - who, since joining the National League in 1998, have already set the record for keeping the Cubs out of the basement.

Wisconsin has over 15,000 miles of snowmobile trails. Most of them run adjacent to the state's highways, and are clearly delineated by reflective sidemarkers and piles of discarded beer cans.

Noah's Ark in Wisconsin Dells is America's largest waterpark, and is also Wisconsin's only non-alcoholic fluid-related attraction.

Wisconsin gets its name from the Oneida Indian phrase "Oui-con-sun", meaning "nothing but polka music on the radio".

Milwaukee, Wisconsin, is home to Harley-Davidson Motorcycles. Despite the violent, anti-social reputation of Harley riders, most of them take the time to give back to their communities by helping to keep Wisconsin's snowmobile trails clearly marked.

The nation's first Kindergarten was started in 1856 in Watertown, Wisconsin. Its purpose was to ensure that children had all the vital skills they needed for attending the first grade, like reciting the alphabet and taunting misfits.

Wisconsin is America's top milk producing state. Although vegetarians consider milking cows to be a form of animal abuse, they should just shut the hell up before I break their brittle, calcium-deficient little arms!

Architect Frank Lloyd Wright was born in Richland Center, Wisconsin, in 1867 and was the father of the "cinderblocks and pizza boxes" style of architecture.

The state motto of Wisconsin is "Home of Schlitz, Blatz, Pabst, and other beers that sound like vomiting noises".

The Barbie doll was named for Barbara Handler of Willows, Wisconsin. And yes, like the doll, she really DOES have painted-on eyebrows and plastic boobs.

The state song of Wisconsin is "The Bears Still Suck", which Illinois has also considering adopting since the 2007 Superbowl fiasco.

The Ringling Brothers Circus started in Baraboo, Wisconsin in 1884. Although now world-famous, they had their humble beginnings in a travelling freak show consisting of a single woman with painted-on eyebrows and plastic boobs.

It was in Two Rivers, Wisconsin, in 1881 that the ice cream sundae was invented. Prior to this, hot fudge had only been used as a topping in adventuresome marital bedchambers.

The Republican Party was born in 1854 in Ripon, Wisconsin. It was started as an attempt to replace the Whig party, which self-destructed after candidate Millard Fillmore completely discredited himself by making a bizarre screaming sound at the end of a campaign speech in 1852.

Green Bay is Wisconsin's oldest city, which was founded in 682 BC by Roman Coliseum Master Vincini Lombardo. Today, a cult of his loyal followers preserve the legend of his promise to return again in his city's hour of greatest need. Most likely after Brett Favre retires.

Yeah, yeah, I know... shut up about Brett Favre, already.

Mount Horeb, Wisconsin, is home to the Mustard Museum. It contains all 2300 varieties of mustard known to man, except for Mean Mr., which can be downloaded from iTunes.

Cannibalistic serial killers Ed Gein and Jeffrey Dahmer both hail from Wisconsin. Which was probably just a coincidence, even though it's true that nothing complements the taste of human flesh like good ol' Wisconsin cheese.

The town of Oconomowoc, Wisconsin, was established in 1874 in an effort to allow people from Wisconsin the opportunity to win back the bar bets they lost against people from New Mexico who challenged them to spell Albuquerque.

In Wisconsin, the term "bubbler" is used to refer to a public drinking fountain. Although if you're on the UW-Madison campus, it might also be used to refer to a hippie who's rabidly frothing about global warming.

No one in Wisconsin pronounces the letter "g" at the end of a word (I'm tellin' the truth about that part). The state legislature passed a drastic law in an attempt to correct this bit of grammatical retardation, which is why everyone in the state has as least one shirt with a big letter "G" on it.

Monroe, Wisconsin is the Swiss Cheese Capital of the World, much to the embarrassment of those chocolate-chomping, Nazi-neutral, clock-makers across the pond.

Wisconsin contains almost 8000 streams and rivers, 99% of which are clean enough to drink from directly if you don't mind the taste of deer urine.

Which is also true for cans filled with Wisconsin beer.

Boscobel, Wisconsin is the birthplace Gideon Bible Society, who - since 1889 - have made it their mission to place a Bible in every hotel room in the world so that patrons would no longer have to lay awake at night wondering which commandment they just broke.

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That wraps up the Wisconsin edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be repeatedly reminded that Brokeback Mountain was about gay sheep ranchers and NOT gay cowboys as we visit Wyoming.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to look something up in my Gideon Bible...

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BONUS SECTION:

Recently IMAO readers were asked to ramp up the fun in the following unfun fact about Wisconsin:

"In 1882, the first hydroelectric plant in the United States was built at Fox River."

The results are included below:

...In 1883, the dam was shut down due to the first (and only) cheese clog in the United States.
- NMUSpidey

...In 2001, Democrats angry over coverage of the 2000 presidential election renamed it the 'Faux' River.
- Master Shake

...In 1982, a vehicle was driven off the dam for the first time. Senator Kennedy escaped unharmed.
- MurdockTheCrazy

...In 1883 the first brewery was attached to the HydroElectric Dam, thereby proving that useful things can come from hippy tree-hugging technology.
...In 1883 the first person from Illinois made their way up the Fox River, and yelled "Cheesehead"! Things have never been civil since...
...In 1883 Wisconsin, enjoying the total control over the waterways that led to Illinois, tried to dam up all the other rivers. However, a typo on the Army Corps of Engineers form merely made them curse at the water instead. "'Damn'! Hmmm, this isn't doing too much..."
...In 1883 Illinois responded to Wisconsin's technological innovation by exporting overweight suburbanites north for vacation every weekend.
...In 1883...we ran out of good Wisconsin v. Illinois Jokes.
- Dan

...In 1974, Ted Kennedy was seen swerving near the Fox River reservoir. All subsequent missing persons and accident reports regarding the incident are deemed classified.
- Dr V

...Onlookers all said 'Daaaaaaaam.'
- spacemonkey

...In 2002 global warming dried up the river, plunging Wisconsin into 1881.
- Moneyman

...Finally, something in Wisconsin sucked in more water than beer.
- P.J.

...Built entirely from plans tattooed on Michael Scofield's back.
- Bob in Feenicks

...This prompted a young George Soros to form the new political movement MoveOn.co-op
- Ron Rockstar

...This permitted the switch to be thrown on the world's first electric fence. Neither wild dairy herds nor gullible city slickers in need of a pit stop would ever be the same again. [insert zap! sound effect]
- motopolitico

...It was built after over a century of failure in trying to create a Fromagelectric power plant.
- DesertElephant

...In 1883 Krakatoa exploded. You do the math.
- SpecialEd

...In 1960, Arthur Fonzarelli successfully jumped over Fox River on a motorcycle. Later that year, he successfully jumped a shark. In 1978, a television show depicting his life did the same.
- bunkerboy

... -Muslims offended.
- steelshadow

...In 2002 Al Gore claimed to have invented it.
- SonofJorel

...Recently it was converted into a 'deeptunnelectric' plant to adapt to more plentiful fuel sources."
A little obscure, but pretty typical of Milwaukee [explanatory linkages].
- z

...This came three years after Edison invented the practical light bulb, which until then Wisconsinites had used as very small screw-top beer bottles.

This may explain why Old Milwaukee beer tastes like a metal light bulb filament.

If you are ever tempted to drink from a Wisconsin beer bottle that cannot stand upright on a table, resist.

If you are ever tempted to drink while you cannot stand upright on a table in Wisconsin, it's probably Deer Season.
- Kent

...Liberals have attacked it for not being fair and balanced and helping to power the vast right wing conspiracy
- Mike

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Fun Facts About West Virginia - Updated 3-7-07

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be unable to tell if that black stuff on our eggs is pepper, coal dust, or roach droppings as we visit West Virginia. So let's get started...

West Virginia became the 35th state on June 20, 1863. Originally part of the state of Virginia, the people in the western part of the state broke away in protest of the despicable institution of mandatory public education and the deplorable conditions of literacy that resulted therefrom.

The state flag of West Virginia consists of a blue-edged white background, overlaid by an image of two men debating whether Fahrenheit 9/11 or An Inconvenient Truth was a bigger load of crap.

The state flower of West Virginia is the Rhododendron. State legislators were chastised for picking a flower that most people in the state couldn't spell, but lawmakers ignored the complaints, since people had said the same thing when the dog was chosen as the state mammal.

West Virginia license plates are white with blue lettering, and contain the tourism slogan, "Now With A Paved Road!".

In a recent survey, 95% of West Virginians report having checked out a book from their local public library within the last year. During the same time period, 95% of West Virginians also reported having found a way to fix that wobbly kitchen table with the short leg.

The state song of West Virginia is "YAY! No More 3.2 Beer!"

The celebration of Mother's Day was first observed in Grafton, West Virginia, in 1908, mostly as a way to get women to stop whining about not being able to vote.

With a median age of 40, West Virginia has the oldest population of any state in the US. Upon turning 40, it's traditional for a West Virginian to cope with his mid-life crisis by buying a shiny red convertible to put up on blocks in his front yard.

West Virginia's nickname is "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial State" State.

Jackson's Mill, West Virginia, was the site of the first 4-H Camp in the US, where rural youngsters learned valuable agricultural skills such as how to milk cows, shear sheep, and hide stills from ATF agents.

The world's largest sycamore tree was located in Webster Springs, West Virginia. However, it was recently cut down and sold to David Letterman, who was reportedly thrilled at finally having a toothpick big enough to fit his tooth gap.

In 1960, Danny Heater of Burnsville, West Virginia, set a world's record by scoring 135 points during a high school basketball game. Even more amazing was that he accomplished this feat while being the youngest player on the team at age 24.

Some critics complain that the record shouldn't count, since he violated West Virginia rules by wearing shoes.

The first state sales tax in the US was instituted in West Virginia in 1921. It was hailed as a vast improvement over West Virginia's old revenue-raising technique - random muggings of Yankee tourists.

The first federal prison exclusively for women was opened in Alderson, West Virginia, in 1926. For those not familiar with women's prisons, they're sort of like sorority houses, except with more sobriety, and fewer gratuitously-sadistic, lesbian-overtoned initiation rituals.

The New River Gorge Bridge in Fayetteville is the highest steel-span bridge in the US, rising 876 feet above the river below. Every October, the locals celebrate "Bridge Day", when over 100,000 celebrants gather to watch or participate in bungee jumping and parachuting from the structure. On Bridge Day, the bridge itself is closed to both automobile traffic and scissors.

The state motto of West Virginia is "Montani semper liberi", which is Latin for "Sister, daughter, wife... whatever".

At 69 feet high and 900 feet in circumference, the nation's largest and oldest Indian burial ground is located in Moundsville, West Virginia. The mound's many unquiet spirits are frequently seen on TV shows such as "America's Most Haunted".

Nearly 75% of West Virginia is covered by forests, providing the state's many fine restaurants with beautiful views and fresh road kill.

In 1824, John Gallaher published the first women's magazine, "Ladies Garland" which featured the now-infamous centerfold of Andrew Jackson showing off "Old Hickory".

The variety of apple known as Golden Delicious originated in Wellsburg, West Virginia, in 1775. It was greeted with overwhelming enthusiasm by a population who'd spent years being stuck with eating the Ochre Atrocious.

Outdoor advertising got its start in Wheeling, West Virginia, when the Block Brothers Tobacco Company started painting barns with the slogan "Treat Yourself to the Best with Mail Pouch Brand Gumming Tobacco".

15% of America's coal comes from West Virginia. The state's coal producers expect that number to rise to 20% once they get their Balrog infestation problem under control.

In 1997, West Virginia had the lowest crime rate in the US. Coincidentally, this was the year after bribing Senator Byrd was legalized.

The world's largest shipment of matches - 210 million of them - was shipped from Wheeling, West Virginia, to Memphis, Tennessee in 1933. They were used as part of FDR's American Arsonist Army (AAA) program, whose job was to burn down trees so that the Civilian Conservation Corps (CCC) could have jobs planting new ones.

Which may explain why - before the word "retarded" was coined in 1940 - extremely stupid people were referred to as "F-D-R-ded".

"Coal House" in White Sulphur Springs, West Virginia, is the only residence in the world which is made entirely of coal. Tourists are strongly advised to bring their own toilet paper.

In 1841, William Tompkins of Cedar Grove, West Virginia used natural gas to evaporate salt brine - the first known industrial use of the natural gas. Prior to this, the highly explosive gas was mostly used by organized crime figures to fill brightly colored balloons for "kids who saw too much and needed to have an 'accident'".

In May, 1860, the first oil well in West Virginia was drilled at Burning Springs. In June, 1860, the former governor of Texas invaded West Virginia and stole it.

In 1885, stone quarried at Hinton, West Virginia was sent to Washington D.C to become part of the Washington Monument. Although the monument builders thanked West Virginia profusely at the time, they actually thought the stone was horrid. They immediately hid it in the attic of the monument and now only bring it out when they know a West Virginian is coming to visit.

The last public hanging in West Virginia took place in Ripley in 1897. After that, folks learned to keep their uppity book-learnin' to themselves.

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That wraps up the West Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be feasting ourselves into a cheese-coma as we visit Wisconsin.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go lay in some supplies for my visit to Coal House.

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UPDATE 3-7-07: BONUS FUN FACTS FROM READER JEFF

* West Virginia's state bird is the bald eagle, but it should be Robert C. Byrd for all the money he gets for the state for absolutely no reason.

* In Morgantown, WVU students celebrate the coming of each night by getting drunker than sailors on the first night of liberty.

* West Virginia's motto is "Mountaineers are always free." At WVU, it is "Mountaineers are always drunk."

* The toothbrush was invented in West Virgina. It had to have been or it would have been called a "teethbrush".

* Robert C. Byrd is the senior Senator from West Virginia. He gets the federal government to send vast amounts of money to the state by threatening to terrorize Maryland with his crack squad of shotgun-wielding, pickup-truck-mounted commandos.

* West Virginia is reported to have one of the lowest crime rates in the United States, if you don't count incest as a crime.

* The flat, straight stretches of road in the state are called bridges.

* Clarksburg, West Virginia has a very high Italian population, and its local mafia pioneered the practice of throwing someone in a river wearing cement overalls.

* The West Virgina state tourism slogan is "I hope you brought some Dramamine."

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Fun Facts About Washington

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be buying a new umbrella - not because we lost the old one, but because it actually wore out from constant use - as we visit Washington. So let's get started...

Washington became the 42nd state on November 11, 1889. The state's name was chosen as a long-overdue honor to America's first President... and because "wood-toothed wig-wearer" sounded a bit clunky as a state name.

Seattle is home to the world's first revolving restaurant, "The Top of the Needle", completed in 1961. Victims of a recent salmonella outbreak at the restaurant were buried in the nearby revolving cemetery "The Bottom of the Gravel Pit".

Washington's license plate has black lettering over a light blue mountain design, and features the state motto, "First 5000 tourists receive a free umbrella!".

Washington produces more apples than any other state in the nation. For some reason, Bill Gates gets twitchy when you say that in front of him.

Starbucks Coffee was founded in Seattle, Washington, in 1987. It saved the Filthy Hippie Protester industry from bankruptcy by giving it a target for it's senseless anger during the debilitating peace between the two Gulf Wars.

Washington has more glaciers than all the other 47 contiguous states combined. This tends to scare tourists away from the state, since everyone knows that if a glacier bites you, you'll slowly go insane with global warming paranoia. If you don't believe me, check Al Gore's neck for bite marks sometime.

Washington's capitol building was the last state capitol to be built with a rotunda. State capitol buildings constructed since then have used more modern architectural features, like cantilevered ceilings and indoor water slides.

Everett, Washington is home to the world's largest building - Boeing's final assembly plant. It encloses nearly 500 million cubic feet - enough to hold every Muslim terrorist in the world... if you chopped them into little pieces first... which, frankly, I don't have a problem with.

Medina, Washington is the home of Microsoft founder and multi-billionaire Bill Gates. Who just happens to own a blender big enough to chop every Muslim terrorist in the world into little pieces.

Software giant Microsoft is headquartered in Redmond, Washington. An aerial view of the corporate campus shows that the buildings are colored and arranged to form the world's largest Blue Screen of Death.

The state flag of Washington has a green background behind a picture of George Washington holding a cup of half-caf-double-shot-extra-foam-vanilla-soy cappuccino.

King County - Washington's largest county - was originally named in 1852 after William Rufus King, vice president under president Franklin Pierce. In 1986 it was "re-named" in honor of Dr. Martin Luther King. Between those times it may also have been named in honor of Stephen King, Rodney King, Billie Jean King, and possibly even Sgt. Preston's dog, for all we know.

The state flower of Washington is mildew.

Washington was the birthplace of both Jimi Hendrix (Seattle) and Bing Crosby (Tacoma). Although representing vastly different music styles, they DID collaborate to record the holiday classic, "Purple Christmas".

The oldest continually operating gas station in the US is located in Zillah, Washington. It hasn't changed much since it opened in 1873, and still accepts payments by either cash, check, or beaver pelt.

The world's first soft-serve ice cream machine is located in an Olympia, Washington Dairy Queen. It was installed in 1940 as a way to cater to a growing demand for something cold, bland, and containing more air than actual substance. Much the same desire that drives Hillary's 2008 presidential campaign today.

Residents of Washington are properly referred to as "Washingtonians", despite the widespread use of the less-favored term, "Starbucks-swilling Nirvana-moshers".

Washington is home to the only rainforests in the US. Sadly, these rainforests contain nothing but wet trees, and don't meet the minimum requirements for malaria and naked savages that would make environmentalists give a crap about them.

Europeans first landed in Washington when the Spanish ship Santiago visited briefly in 1775. The captain's log entry that day consisted only of the terse and cryptic phrase, "Smells like teen spirit".

Lewis & Clark visited Washington 30 years later in 1805. Their report was, "Smells like mid-life crisis".

Tumwater, Washington was the state's first colonial settlement. It was founded by Canadians seeking the religious freedom to worship coffee and donuts, which was forbidden by Canada's repressive Tea & Crumpetist regime.

Washington is home to such internet giants as Amazon.com, Classmates.com, and Whitepages.com, which explains why the state song is "DAMMIT! ANOTHER POP-UP!"

In the early 1900's, Aberdeen, Washington was known as "the roughest town west of the Mississippi", as it was a haven for violence, saloons, whorehouses, and gambling establishments. It was also rated the #1 tourist destination for both sailors and the Irish.

The Grand Coulee Dam on Washington's Columbia river is the largest concrete structure ever built. It contains over 12 million cubic yards of concrete - nearly enough to build a life-size statue of Ted Kennedy's drinking problem.

In 1980, Washington's Mount St. Helens volcano erupted with such violence that the top 1600 feet of the mountain were completely blown away. The sudden, cataclysmic destruction of over $1 billion in economic resources was rumored to have given Bill Gates the idea for Microsoft Windows.

Washington has a higher percentage of non-religious people than any other state, which is why so many cars there have window signs saying "Blasphemer On Board".

Washington ranks first in the nation in the production of apples, cherries, pears, and grapes, earning it the nickname of "America's Fruit Basket". The city of San Francisco has the same nickname, although for an entirely different reason.

Pictionary was invented by Ron Angel of Seattle, Washington, in 1986. According to numerous scientific studies, the game is responsible for more bad art than Picasso, Jackson Pollock, and the National Endowment for the Arts combined.

The state marine mammal of Washington is the Orca. Although some small-minded, bigoted racists refer to them as "killer whales", the term is more properly translated as "whales of peace".

The fact that they frequently kidnap and behead seals in the name of their God, Poseidon, is no excuse for not respecting their cultural differences.

Maybe those seals should ask themselves why the orcas hate them.

Actor Adam West - who played Batman in the 1960's TV series - was born in Walla Walla, Washington, in 1928. He's been quoted as saying that his least favorite part about playing the Caped Crusader was "Batpole burn".

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That wraps up the Washington edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be doing genealogy research as we travel through the gene puddle of West Virginia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go book my vacation to Aberdeen.

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Fun Facts About Virginia

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be scammed into buying a "genuine" George Washington cherry-tree-choppin' ax as we visit Virginia. So let's get started...

Virginia became the 10th state on June 25, 1788. The northern part of it was originally used by the British as a penal colony for thieves and con artists, which may explain Washington, D.C.

The state motto of Virginia is "Sic Semper Tyrannis", which is Latin for "No, seriously, the Waltons were fictional. Stop asking about them".

George Washington was born in Westmoreland County, Virginia in 1732. He's famous for being the first President, the father of his country, and the first white man to rap under the name Vanilla Ice.

Thomas Jefferson was born in Shadwell, Virginia in 1743. His first draft of the Declaration of Independence was blunt but concise: "King George - You suck. We're outta here. - The Colonies".

Considering they used the letter "f" instead of "s" back in those days, it's probably better that he went with the longer version.

28th President Woodrow Wilson was born in Staunton, Virginia in 1856. Despite the fact that his administration brought income taxes, WWI, Prohibition, and the horrors of women's suffrage, history still remembers him kindly. Probably because he never violated the Constitutional separation of intern and cigar.

Being the largest of the colonies, Virginia was named in honor of England's "Virgin Queen", Elizabeth I. The tiny state to the north was named for her slutty cousin, Mary.

The state song of Virginia is "Carry Me Back to Old Virginia", which was chosen by one vote over "Like A Virgin".

Virginia's early settlers got the idea to plant tobacco after they were first welcomed ashore by Indians holding up signs saying "You've come a long way, baby!"

The colony of Jamestown, Virginia, was founded for the purpose of producing silk, which was shipped to England to help King James indulge his not-as-secret-as-he-thought fetish for women's underwear.

The first peanuts grown in the US were grown in Virginia. Trust me, you DON'T want to know what King James did with THOSE.

Three of the first four US presidents were born in Virginia. They were the original Patriots' Dynasty.

The state capital of Virginia - Richmond - was also the capital of the Confederacy. Most of the people in Virginia wish is still was.

The Dogwood is Virginia's state tree, state flower, and state euphemism for a canine erection.

The American Revolution ended with the surrender of Cornwallis in Yorktown, Virginia. The terms of the surrender included having Cornwallis stand in the town square naked and shout "I stink! I am a senile, bucktoothed old mummy, with bony girl arms and I smell like an elephant's butt!"

Some historians cite this as the root cause of the war of 1812.

Two iron-clad ships, the Monitor and the Merrimac, fought for 12 hours at Hampton Roads, Virginia on March 9th, 1862. The battle was inconclusive, but proved one thing: getting a cannonball through metal armor was like trying to get a tax cut through a Democratic congress.

2000 of the Civil War's battles were fought in Virginia.... 3000, if you count the times Robert E. Lee's wife whacked him with a rolling pin.

In Virginia, more people work for the US government than any other industry.

Um... well... leastwise they have more people listed on their payroll.

The world's largest shipyard is in Newport News, Virginia. Their drydock facility alone is large enough to hold 3 aircraft carriers, or a week's supply of gin for Ted Kennedy.

The Pentagon building in Arlington, Virginia is the largest office building in the world. It has over 5000 fax machines, all which are destined to someday be taken out into a field and smashed with a baseball bat.

Contrary to the popular story, the first Thanksgiving was actually held in Virginia's Berkley Plantation colony in 1619. 90 Indian braves were invited to the feast as thanks for their help during the previous year's harsh winter. Those 90 later burned the village to the ground as revenge for being made to sit at the kiddie table.

The Great Dismal Swamp is a wasteland of foul muck located near Virginia's border with North Carolina, and is NOT a nickname for Washington, D.C.

Don't feel bad. A LOT of people make that mistake.

Thomas Jefferson designed the home where he spent his final years - Monticello - which can be seen on the back of the nickel. If you look closely, you can see Jefferson yelling at some kids to get off his lawn.

George Washington's home - Mount Vernon - is NOT shown on the back of the quarter since all the pink flamingos on his lawn were deemed "too un-presidential".

The world's only oyster museum is located on Chincoteague Island, Virginia. It celebrates history's greatest oysters, including playwright Oyster Wilde and Supreme Court Justice Oyster Wendell Holmes.

On April 9, 1865, at the Appomatox, Virginia courthouse, the Civil War ended when General Robert E. Lee was forced to surrender to General Ulysses S. Grant after Lee foolishly chose rock to Grant's paper.

St. John's church in Richmond, Virginia, was where Patrick Henry famously said "Give me liberty, or give me death!". Some historians consider this story a mere legend, however, and insist that what he actually said was "Give me freedom, or give me severe nasal congestion with a headache and slight fever!"

The Atlantic headquarters of NATO is located in Norfolk, Virginia. For those who don't know, NATO is sorta like the UN, except with weapons and testicles.

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That wraps up the Virginia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be paying 35 dollars for one stinking martini at the top of the Space Needle as we visit Washington.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go... Hey! Look!... Dogwood!.

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Fun Facts About Vermont

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be going to the only state that serves maple syrup at communion services as we visit Vermont. So let's get started...

Vermont became the 14th state on March 4, 1791 after they finally stopped holding out for having the state represented on the flag by a maple leaf.

The stoner-rock band Phish got its start in Burlington, Vermont. It has a cult-like following similar to that of the Greatful Dead, except fewer of Phish's fans are old enough to have taken the brown acid at Woodstock.

Vermont gets its name from the French words "verts monts", which mean "green mountains" and are the only two words in the language which don't translate roughly as "we surrender".

Vermont's capital of Montpelier has a population of under 9,000 people, which means there's always plenty of parking for filthy hippies when they show up to protest whatever it is that's pissing them off this week.

Montpelier is the only state capital in the US without a McDonald's, which - technically - makes it a backwards, third-world hellhole. Expect Sally Struthers to be doing some "save the children" commercials for the place sometime soon.

Vermont has a cows-to-people ratio of 10 to 1, which makes me suspect that the absence of a Montpelier McDonald's is due to heavy lobbying by Big Cow.

Vermont's two biggest employees are Ben & Jerry's and IBM. IBM actually has trouble attracting workers, since it offers its habitually-baked-at-lunch hippie labor pool fewer opportunities to assuage their munchies by nibbling on the company product.

Vermont was, at various times in its history, claimed by both New Hampshire and New York. However, like the skunk, it escaped these predators by emitting a New-Jersey-like odor.

Until 1996, Vermont was the only state without a Wal-Mart, leaving fat women in lime-green stretch pants wandering the streets without a place to gather, gossip, and ignore their crying children.

Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream company has always given their ice cream waste to local farmers to feed their hogs. However, since Ben & Jerry's was acquired by the multi-billion dollar business conglomorate Unilever in 2000, the hogs have refused to eat it, citing the bitter, corporate-sellout taste.

While living in Vermont in the 1890's, author Rudyard Kipling invented the game of snow golf. It's played by cursing and throwing your clubs while searching for a white ball in a snowbank.

Born in Plymouth, Vermont, in 1872, Calvin Coolidge is the only US president born on the 4th of July, and thus the only president to get the free Yankee Doodle Dandy Birthday Sundae from the White House Cafeteria.

Vermont's state capitol building is one of the few to have a gold-covered dome. At the peak of the dome stands a stature of Ceres, the Greek goddess of pancake toppings.

Over 70 percent of Vermont traffic tickets issued in 1996 were given to male drivers, most of whom were speeding because they were late picking up their fat-assed wives from Wal-Mart.

Ida May Fuller of Brattleboro, Vermont, was the first US citizen to collect a Social Security check. After paying in $100 during her working years, she collected over $20,000 after she retired, giving her a return on investment nearly that of a Hillary Clinton cattle futures purchase.

Wildlife biologists estimate that as many as five out of six deer can die during a hard winter in Vermont. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of ensuring that Vermont's many ski resorts have enough moguls.

Vermont is the largest producer of maple syrup in the US. This keeps America from having to rely on inferior Canadian syrup, which is frequently tainted with impurities such as benzene or socialism.

Vermont does not allow billboard advertising because it interferes with the natural beauty of the state's scenery. Companies get around this by sponsoring signs at anti-war protests, like "Make Love, Not War! - Buy Viagra!".

Vermont has more ski resorts than any other state in the US. Although this sounds harsh and cruel, it's just nature's way of keeping down the Kennedy population.

Part of the movie Beetlejuice was filmed in Vermont. The afterlife waiting room scene was shot using people returning from a Phish concert in order to save money on costumes & makeup.

The Vermont area was first explored by Frenchman Samuel de Champlain, who claimed it for his home country after noting with approval how many deer surrendered to starvation every year.

In 1916, Barre, Vermont elected a socialist mayor. This ushered in 4 frightening years when their syrup was inferior to Canada's.

Inventor John Deere was born in Rutland, Vermont, in 1804. He invented the lawnmover in 1872 and the shredded foot in 1873.

Brigham Young and Joseph Smith were both born in Vermont. They founded the Mormon church shortly after being unable to make a go of Brigham & Joseph's Ice Cream. Possibly because of such unpopular flavor offerings as Bible Bangin' Banana and Sodom & Gomorrah Surprise.

On July 2, 1777, Vermont became the first state to abolish slavery. The newly freed black man was reportedly overjoyed.

The first postage stamp issued in the US was made in Battleboro, Vermont, in 1846. Prior to this, postage payment was indicated by having a hole shot in the corner of the envelope by a disgruntled employee.

The first person to cross the entire US by automobile was Dr. H. Nelson Jackson of Burlington, Vermont. Arriving in New York 2 months after leaving San Francisco, his first words were, "Outta my way! I gotta whiz like a racehorse!".

The first Boy Scout troop was organized in Barre, Vermont in 1909 by William F. Milne, who made millions forcing the boys to earn their "indentured servant" merit badges.

The first ski chairlift was used on Vermont's Mt. Mansfield in 1940. Prior to this, skiers ascended the slopes using tow ropes attached to indentured Boy Scouts.

The first Head Start Program, which prepares underprivileged preschool children for elementary school, was started in East Fairfield, Vermont. The original curriculum consisted simply of telling the kids repeatedly throughout the day, "get used to failure, losers!".

The singing Von Trapp family - whose flight from Austria was made famous in the movie "The Sound of Music" - eventually settled in Stowe, Vermont, because it reminded them of the country they left behind, which also consisted of ski slopes full of snooty, Jew-hating WASP's.

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That wraps up the Vermont edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surrounded by bleached blond surfers who say "dude!" with a southern accent as we visit Virginia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go get paid for my "No Blood For Oil! Exxon Takes VISA!" sign.

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Fun Facts About Utah

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be getting run over by a rocket car going 700 mph on the Bonneville Salt Flats as we visit Utah. So let's get started...

Utah became the 45th state on January 4th, 1896. It was originally founded by a group of Mormons from Illinois in search of a new food supply after they'd hunted the local population of lime jello to extinction.

The state song of Utah is "Hooray for Sacred Undergarments!"

Utah gets its name from the Navajo Indian word meaning, "yet another unreadably boring holy book".

Utah has a professional basketball team - the Utah Jazz. No one's sure where they got the black guys for it, since the state is 50% whiter than the NHL and the American Polo League combined.

Utah is home to America's first department store, the Zions Co-operative Mercantile Institution. It operates today as ZCMI, after having won the trademark infringement lawsuit against Zionist Conspiracy Members International.

The state motto of Utah is "7 am is NOT too early to ring doorbells for Jesus".

The Mormon Temple in Salt Lake City took 40 years to complete. It would've been done sooner, but the workers were required to take church-mandated "conception breaks".

That's Mormon for "nooners".

And when you have 30 wives, that makes for some LONG lunch hours.

At 278 feet long, the Rainbow Bridge is the world's largest natural-rock span. Geologists theorize that the stone beneath the arch was slowly worn away over the years by repeated impacts from an unlucky yet persistent coyote.

Utah's license plates have black lettering over a desert image background and feature the slogan "Annoying, yet SO nicely dressed".

Utah's Great Salt Lake covers 2100 square miles with average depth of 13 feet. The salt concentration of the lake is approximately that of the rim of a margarita glass.

Salt Lake City was originally called Great Salt Lake City. The word Great was eventually dropped, as the locals consider it a curse word - for example when used in such obscenities as "Great Caeser's Ghost!" and "Great Googly Moogly!".

The state symbol of Utah is the beehive, which represents thrift, industry, and an insanely high birth rate.

The state animal of Utah is the Rocky Mountain Oyster.

Utah's Wasatch mountain range is named after a Ute Indian word meaning "Wazzzup!"

During WWII, the Alta, Utah, ski center served as a training ground for the paratroopers from the 10th Mountain Regiment, which is currently known as "The Xtreme Dew Crew Dudes!"

Utah's annual precipitation varies from 5 inches in the desert regions to 60 inches in the mountains, in clear violation of the Federal Rainfall Fairness Act.

Damn Utah and it's evil precipitationist discrimination!

In 2002, Salt Lake City was the host of the XIX Olympic Winter Games. The event was a resounding success, marred only by the controversy over banning coffee as a performance-enhancing drug.

Utah's nickname is the "Pass The Sanka State"

Fillmore, Utah served as it's capital when it was still a territory. I was named for US President Millard Fillmore. The only other thing ever inspired by "America's Boringest President" is a lame, right-wing comic strip which features a mallard and all the political subtlety of PeTA protesting at a KFC.

The city of Kanab is known as "Utah's Little Hollywood, because of the large number of motion pictures filmed in the area, including the new Wachowski Brothers film "Matrix: Decaffeinated".

Beaver, Utah is the birthplace of Philo T. Farnsworth, the inventor of television. Which is ironic, since half the time you can't even say the name of his hometown on TV without getting bleeped.

Salt Lake City, Utah, is the only state capital whose name contains three words, except for What's That Smell, New Jersey.

Utah was originally part of Mexico before the Mexican-American war. It was used by the Mexicans as an internment camp for deranged mental patients who swore using words like: 'darn', 'fetch', 'flip', 'heck', 'shoot', and 'sugar'.

The Spanish word for Utah translates roughly as "Ned Flanders".

Utah has over 11,000 miles of fishing streams, which are filled with rainbow trout and secret stashes of Coca-Cola.

65% of the land in Utah is owned by the federal government. The fact that 65% of the state is a barren, lifeless wasteland is just a coincidence.

The television series "Touched By An Angel" was filmed in Utah, as was its low-rated spin-off, "Suing An Angel For Sexual Harrassment".

Utah has the highest literacy rate in the nation, as long as you define "literacy" to exclued any words that would trigger a PG-13 rating.

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That wraps up the Utah edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be wondering how to get that hippie smell out of our maple syrup as we visit Vermont.

Now if you'll excuse me, it's time for a conception break.

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Fun Facts About Texas

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be wondering whether the locals are just kidding when they offer us a bowl of jalepeno ice cream as we visit Texas. So let's get started...

Texas became the 28th state on December 29th, 1845 after the US won it from Mexico in - ironically - a game of Texas Hold 'em.

Although the Texas justice system is sometimes criticized for having "too many" executions, the truth is that most Texas prisoners prefer death to the alternative sentence of "life without the possibility of an oversized belt buckle".

Texas license plates have dark blue numbers on a white background and contain the tourism slogan "All the oil, without all the burkhas".

The Texas flag consists of 3 colored sections - red, white, and blue - with the blue section featuring an image of Chuck Norris kicking a bad guy's ass.

The state flower of Texas is the Bluebonnet. It WAS the yellow rose until the RIAA sued the state for copyright infringement.

Texas gets its name from a Caddo Indian word meaning "short swim to a welfare check".

Texas has a population of nearly 21 million people, all of whom are ashamed to be from the same state as the Dixie Chicks.

President Dwight Eisenhower was born in Denison, Texas. He was the last elected American President who didn't need to check his pockets for a comb before a press conference.

The state tree of Texas is the gallows.

The Alamo in San Antonio, Texas, is the place where a grossly outnumbered contingent of Texans fought to the death against an overwhelming force of Mexican troops in 1836. Much as modern-day beer kegs currently wage their valiant yet inevitably hopeless struggle against frat boy sobriety.

If a Texan brags to you about how much bigger his state is than yours, tell him your friend from Alaska was just saying the same thing about him, and laugh when he starts crying like a little girl.

The state mammal of Texas is the armadillo. For those not familiar with it, an armadillo is a peculiar-looking animal with the head of a rat, the body armor of a turtle, and the spineless flexibility of Bush's immigration policy.

President Lyndon Johnson was born in Johnson City, Texas. He was the last president to be popularly known by his three initials, "LBJ". Which should not be confused with President Clinton's nickname among Hispanic voters, "el BJ".

Alvin, Texas, set the record for rainfall in the US when it received 43 inches in 24 hours in 1979. It also holds the record for the world's largest wooden boat at 300 by 50 by 30 cubits.

Texas' nickname is "the big freakin' hat state".

More wool comes from the state of Texas than any other state. The quality of the wool is far superior to that from New Jersey, which is 90% Italian back hair.

Texas was actually an independent nation from 1836 until 1845, when it got divorced, lost its job and moved into America's basement, where it remains to this day.

Lazy bum.

An oak tree near Fulton, Texas, is estimated to be over 1500 years old. Every year on June 1st, the locals celebrate the tree's birthday by getting drunk and firing pistols into the air. The drunken shooting on the other 364 days of the year is just for fun.

Caddo Lake is the only natural lake in Texas. All the rest have implants.

On December 20, 1835, the first flag of Texas independence was raised. It featured a white background behind an image of Speedy Gonzales's head on a pike and a capital "T" branded on his forehead.

The Hertzberg Circus Museum in San Antonio, Texas, has the largest collection of circus memorabilia in the world. It includes such rare sideshow freak attractions as a three-headed calf and a modest, soft-spoken Texan wearing sneakers and a fedora.

The state motto of Texas is "That chili's not hot, you're just a wuss".

Texas is home to both Dell and Compaq computers. The fact that they've outsourced all their tech support overseas gives new meaning to the phrase "Cowboys and Indians".

The famous soft drink Dr Pepper was invented in Waco, Texas, in 1885. It should not be confused with any best-selling Beatles albums or that crappy rip-off, Mr Pibb.

The first suspension bridge in the US was the Waco Bridge, built across the Brazos river in 1870. Before then, all bridges were supported by concrete pilings reinforced with the broken bodies of Chinese railroad workers.

The Texas capitol building in Austin opened on May 16, 1888, and is actually 7 feet higher the US Capitol building in Washington, D.C.. Personally, I think it's nice that men from Texas at least have ONE size-related thing they can brag about.

The first word spoken from the moon was "Houston". The second and third words were "Astros" and "suck".

Texas possesses three of the top 10 most populous cities in the US - Houston, Dallas, and San Antonio. It also claims two of the top 10 most monkey-eared presidential candidates - George W. Bush and Ross Perot.

The cattle population of Texas is estimated to be 16 million.

17 million if you count Cadillacs with steer horns mounted on the hood.

The world's first rodeo was held in Pecos, Texas, in 1883 when a dozen cowboys came up with a plan for a way to publicly tie up and wrestle cattle while dressed in leather chaps without running afoul of the state's oppressive bestiality laws.
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That wraps up the Texas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be finding it ironic that a state that's filled with Mormons is, itself, a four-letter word as we visit Utah.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go help put down a beer keg uprising.

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Fun Facts About Tennessee

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly(ish) schedule.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be getting our asses whupped for making banjo jokes as we visit Tennessee. So let's get started...

Tennessee became the 16th state on June 1, 1796, and was originally settled by outcast heretics from Massachusetts who believed that playing polo on horseback was completely inferior to playing it hogback.

Tennessee's nickname is the "Needs a cool spelling mnemonic like Mississippi has" state.

Chattanooga, Tennessee is where the famous International House of Possum restaurant chain got its start in 1925.

The Iris was adopted as the state flower of Tennessee in 1972, despite numerous complaints that it was too hard to spell.

The state motto of Tennessee is: "Moonshine - it's not just for breakfast any more".

The city of Kingston served as the state capital of Tennessee for only one day - just long enough to sign a peace treaty ending the bloody Civil War between rival factions of Hicks, Rubes, Hayseeds, Rednecks, and Hillbillies. The victorious Rednecks then moved the capital to its present Nashville location.

The state song of Tennessee is "All I Want For Christmas Is My Thirty Front Teeth".

Living most of his life in Greeneville, Tennessee, Andrew Johnson held every elective office on the local, state, and federal levels - from City Alderman to US President. His shrewish mother-in-law, however, never ceased referring to him as "that good-for-nothing job-hopper".

Tennessee license plates are white with black numbers and feature the phrase "Barely Toleratin' Yankees Since 1865".

The famous racehorse Iroquois was bred at Nashville's Belle Meade Plantation, and left hundreds of thoroughbred descendants. Sorta like the Kennedy clan, except with more hay-eating, and less negligent homicide.

The Houston Oilers football team moved to Tennessee in 1997 and were known as the Tennessee Oilers for two years before changing their name to the Tennessee Titans. Which brings up a question: if the New England Patriots are affectionately known as the "Pats", what's the Titans' nickname?

During the first Gulf War, more National Guard members from Tennessee were deployed than from any other state. Possibly due to a rumor that the Iraqi Republican Guard consisted entirely of Gators fans.

Born in Bakersville, Tennessee, Hattie Caraway became the first woman elected to the US Senate. Sadly, her term was marred by the now-infamous "lap dances for votes" scandal.

Legendary frontiersman Davy Crockett was born near Greeneville, Tennessee and was best know for wearing a coonskin cap and a snakeskin thong.

Tennessee's name comes from the Cherokee Indian word "tanasi", which means "White man make-um kick-ass corn juice firewater".

When it opened in 1992, Chatanooga's Tennesse Aquarium was the largest fresh water aquarium in the US, featuring over 300 different aquatic species. Due to recent budget cuts, it now consists of three fishsticks in a wooden bucket.

The largest earthquake in the continental US was the New Madrid Earthquake, which happened in northwestern Tennessee in 1811. Locals took it as a punishment from God for their sins of sobriety and book-learnin', and quickly mended their evil ways.

Tennessee's Reelfoot Lake is known as the Turtle Capital of the World. It contains thousands of these ponderous reptiles, very few of whom are named after Renaissance painters or skilled in martial arts.

Nashville, Tennessee is famous for its country music scene and is widely known as "the city that spells 'opera' with a y, and 'violin' with two d's".

Famous railroad engineer Casey Jones lived in Jackson, Tennessee. He was killed when his train crashed on April 30, 1900, having failed to attain the 88 mph speed necessary for successful time travel.

Tennessee has over 3800 caves containing a space of over one million cubic miles - nearly enough to hold an entire Senate's worth of broken campaign promises.

Bristol, Tennessee, is known as the "Birthplace of Country Music" and the "Graveyard of Cheerful Sobriety".

Elvis Presley's home, Graceland, is located in Memphis, Tennessee, and is the most visited house in the US that does not contain the word "pancakes".

Or "possum".

Before the Revolutionary War, there was a colony in central Tennessee known as Transylvania. Contrary to popular rumor, it contained no vampires because 1) Tennessee vampires don't exist, 2) if they did exist they'd be too ignorant to find the jugular vein on their victims, and 3) if they could find it, a toothless vampires couldn't bite anyone.

Tennessee will not allow you to buy beer in a liquor store. Probably because you can't fit a Tennessee beer gut through a liquor store doorway.

The 266 foot tall Sunsphere built for Knoxville, Tennessee's 1982 World's Fair still stands in it's original location, although it's currently up on blocks.

The famous Scopes Monkey Trial was held in Dayton, Tennessee in 1925. The monkey was found guilty and barred from further ascension up the evolutionary ladder. Afterwards, he shaved himself, changed his name to Al Gore Sr., ran successfully for the US Senate in 1952, and - ironically - voted against the Monkey Rights act of 1964.

Tennessee's Fall Creek Falls is the highest waterfall east of the Mississippi. Unlike the more famous Niagra Falls, no one has ever gone over Fall Creek Falls in a barrel, since barrels are considered sacred by the state's official religion of Whiskeytarianism.

In Tennessee, it is perfectly legal to gather and consume roadkill. However, there IS a 7-day waiting period for buying a Buick.

Jack Daniel, of Tennessee Whiskey fame, showed up early for work one morning and - frustrated at being unable to open a safe - kicked it, thus breaking his toe. He later died from infection as a result of the injury. Since then, people from Tennessee always stay home and drink all morning as a safety precaution.

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That wraps up the Tennessee edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be remembering the Alamo by randomly shooting Mexicans as we visit Texas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go saddle up my hog for the polo match.

[Hat tip to reader Tennessee Budd for providing some of the trivia that I so wantonly abused]

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Fun Facts About South Dakota

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be shocked to realize that no minorities actually live in the Black Hills and the name is just a scam to get Federal Affirmative Action Funding as we visit South Dakota. So let's get started...

South Dakota became the 40th state on November 2, 1889. The word "South" in the name is somewhat deceptive, since the state actually contains no hillbillies, alligators, or temperatures above freezing.

The state bird of South Dakota is the ring-necked pheasant. When hunting these, try not to shoot a ring-nosed teenager by mistake.

South Dakota's license plates have blue numbers on a white background and say "Bison: the other red meat" across the bottom.

The state motto of South Dakota is "When the Crazy Horse monument is finished, we'll TELL you... Now STOP ASKING!"

South Dakota's nickname is "The bored people with mountains and explosives state".

Although there's enough room for Bill Clinton on Mount Rushmore, he hasn't been added for fear that no one would recognize him without a kneeling intern.

Good luck trying to find a mountain big enough to fit Monica's hips on.

Lemmon, South Dakota is famous for it's petrified forest. Undisturbed for 50 million years, it still contains many of its original petrified environmental activist protesters.

When it was built in 1832, the American Fur Company's trading post in Fort Pierre, South Dakota, was the largest one in the US, and was best know for its marketing slogan "Fur: Because she's not going to put out for denim".

Belle Fourche, South Dakota, is the geographical center of the United States. It's populated mostly by people who find Mexicans, Canadians, Californians, and New Yorkers equally repulsive.

Personally, I'm thinking about moving to Greenland, since I'm only disgusted by the French and people from New Jersey.

Clark, South Dakota, is home to the world famous annual Mashed Potato Wrestling contest. Rumor has it that the contest is rigged, since the mashed potato always wins.

South Dakota's Custer State Park is home to a herd of 1500 free-roaming bison, 1448 of which must be cut from the roster by the time they play the Budweiser Clydesdales in this year's Superbowl commercial.

When completed, the Crazy Horse monument near Hill City, South Dakota, will be the world's largest sculpture. The project will be completed without a single dollar of government money, which explains why Crazy Horse isn't holding a urine-dipped crucifix.

South Dakota's Badlands National Park contains the worlds richest fossil bed, which holds such ancient artifacts as Tyrannosaurus skeletons, Triceratops eggs, and Beatles 45's.

The Sage Creek Wilderness Area is where the highly endangered black-footed ferret is being re-introduced. For those not familiar with ferrets, they're small mammals, more ratlike than weasels, but less weaselly than lawyers or the French.

South Dakota's famous Black Hills aren't actually black. They only appear that way from a distance because they're covered by pine trees - an effect similar to what happens when Rosie O'Donnell doesn't get her upper lip waxed for a couple days.

At 7242 feet, South Dakota's Harney Peak is the highest point in the US east of the Rockies, and will likely be carved into a statue of Wilt Chamberlain at some point.

Sturgis, South Dakota, is home to the annual Black Hills Classic Motorcycle Rally. It's easy to find - just look for the crowd of burly, leather-clad guys. Make sure it's not the Black Hills Classic S & M Rally, though.

Unless you're into that sort of thing. In which case... call me.

The Pioneer Auto Museum in Murdo, South Dakota, houses more than 250 rare automobiles, including the Tucker, the Edsel, and Powell Motors' infamous Homer.

The Flaming Fountain on South Dakota State Capitol Lake is fed by an artesian well with natural gas content so high that it can be lit. The sight inspires both awe and the question, "how do you put out burning water?"

The Crystal Springs Ranch Rodeo Arena in Clear Lake, South Dakota was built on a drained duck pond. When the duck pond was initially drained, workers found a dead rabbit at the bottom with a sign around its neck that said "I TOLD you it was wabbit season".

The Silent Guide Monument in Philip, South Dakota is a 14-foot pile of flat stones assembled by a shepherd to mark a waterhole that never goes dry. Ironically, the waterhole itself had been created years earilier by an architect as a way to mark an abundant source of flat stones.

The largest underground goldmine in the US is the Homestake Mine in Lead, South Dakota. Ground was first broken on it by the six dwarves who were voted out of CBS's "Survivor: Snow White's Cottage".

The USS South Dakota is recognized as the most decorated battleship during World War II. Although, the USS John Kerry actually won MORE medals, it threw them all over a fence, so it doesn't really count.

The Yankton Daily Press & Dakotan, first published in 1861, is South Dakota's oldest newspaper. It's first headline was the now-famous criticism of the Civil War: "Lincoln lied! Weevils died!"

The Prairie Rattlesnake is the only venomous snake native to South Dakota. It's generally a light brown color, with a yellow underside and four dark, presidential-head-shaped blotches on its back.

Hot Springs, South Dakota features the largest collection of Wooly Mammoth bones in the world. Wooly Mammoths were large, hairy beasts that killed their prey by sitting on it and crushing it into a pile of goo. Much as its modern-day cousin - the Michael Moore - hunts Twinkies today.

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That wraps up the South Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be stocking up on souvenier Elvis shades as we visit Tennessee.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go call and see if Crazy Horse is finished yet.

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Fun Facts About South Carolina

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be voting for the late Strom Thurmond strictly out of habit as we visit South Carolina. So let's get started...

South Carolina became the 8th state on May 23, 1788. The residents didn't particularly WANT to share a name with North Carolina, but they had little choice after the naming-rights deal with Coca-Cola fell through.

The state flage of South Carolina was originally a simple crescent moon on a blue background. A silver palmetto tree was later added in an attempt to shed the nickname, "The Outhouse Door State".

At 3560 feet tall, the highest point in South Carolina is Sassafras Mountain. No sassafras actually grows on it, it's just a fun word to say. Especially with a big, spitty, Daffy Duck lisp: "THATHAFRATH!"

The state motto of South Carolina is "Aminis Opibusque Parati", which means "any excuse to shoot a Yankee".

The state tree of South Carolina is the Palmetto. Which should not be confused with any old men who carve wooden boys that magically come to life.

Built in 1909, Campbell's Covered Bridge near Gowensville is the last bridge in South Carolina still covered by a protective wooden structure instead of just a layer of cigarette butts and beer cans.

The spotted salamander was selected as South Carolina's official state amphibian in 1976, an unpopular decision which touched off deadly riots in the state's frustrated and angry frog communities.

In 1776, the British attacked the US fort on South Carolina's Sullivan Island. However, because the walls were made with spongy Palmetto logs, the cannonballs couldn't break through, and just bounced like Air America payroll checks.

The official state dance of South Carolina is the Shag. As is the official state double-wide trailer carpeting.

The first battle of the Civil War took place at Fort Sumter. Historians theorize that it started as an innocent Mac vs. PC argument which spun tragically out of control.

Hartsville, South Carolina's Coker Experimental Farms started in 1903 with 30 cotton plants and a goal to breed hardier specimens. Thanks to a lack of genetic variation among the seedlings, the highly inbred offshoots became the Retarded Monster Cotton Plant now used for stuffing Tickle Me Elmo dolls.

Before being known as "The Palmetto State", South Carolina used to be known as the Iodine state. For those who don't know, Iodine is brown and hurts like hell when applied to open wounds. Sorta like a Jesse Jackson press conference.

The Thoroughbred Racing Hall of Fame in Aiken, South Carolina celebrates the many champion race horses trained in Aiken. The secret of their success can be found in their training motto, "It's not whether you win or lose, it's how you'll be shipped to the glue factory if you screw up!"

South Carolina's Black River gets it's dark coloring from high concentrations of organic carbon. Sorta like hippie bathwater. If hippies took baths.

Batesburg-Leesville, South Carolina, is home to the annual South Carolina Poultry festival and features such events as "Turkey-mounted Jousting" and the ever-popular "Stuffing Chickens Down Your Pants Contest".

A Catawba Indian named King Haiglar was invaluable in helping the early settlers of Camden, South Carolina. Today, he remains honored in the form of a life-sized weather vane. This may not sound like much of an honor, but at least they didn't put him on a dollar coin that no one uses like that loser, Saca-what's-her-name.

Tyler Brothers Work Shoe and Boot Co. in Wagener, South Carolina produces 8 major brands of OSHA-approved footwear, including Redwing and Wolverine. They attribute their success to changing their name from "3-Toes BootWorks".

Gaffney, South Carolina features a water tower in the shape of a giant peach. In case it ever falls over, they plan to put it in their City Hall building, which was built in the shape of a giant crust-lined pie tin.

The first boll weevil found in South Carolina is on display at the Pendleton District Agricultural Museum. It sits between the first mosquito to bite Strom Thurmond and a few dead flies picked off the window sill.

Yeah, well, whaddya expect from an Ag Museum? Da Vinci paintings?

Spartanburg, South Carolina's Duncan Park is the oldest minor league baseball stadium in the world. During its 80th Anniversary season in 2006, it finally managed to break through the long-elusive double-digit attendance mark.

Described as "a cross between a snake and something prehistoric", the mysterious monster that is said to inhabit South Carolina's Lake Murray was recently caught and discovered to be a skinny-dipping Ted Kennedy.

Mullins, South Carolina, features the state's largest tobacco market. To compensate for financial losses due to anti-tobacco hysteria, the city has branched out into the lead paint, asbestos, and DDT markets as well.

Residents of Mount Pleasant, South Carolina, are all well versed in the 300-year-old art of Sweetgrass basket-making. Sure, this doesn't sound like it'd look good on a resume, but it'll get you picked over someone with a degree in Women's Studies EVERY time.

Every year, flocks of Purple Martins fly back to their home on Bomb Island, South Carolina. The sight of millions of creatures mindlessly chirping and crapping all over the place is truly stunning. It's sorta like an anti-war protest, except without the stultifying air of smug self-righteousness.

The Riverbanks Zoological Park in Columbia, South Carolina is home to over 2000 animals, none of which are in cages. They're kept in place with guilt trips from a crack staff of professional Jewish mothers.

Legend has it that anyone who drinks from Catfish Creek near Marion, South Carolina will fall in love with the area and never leave. Which is polite way of saying they're doomed to die of amoebic dysentery.

In 1852, William Dorn discovered the largest gold mine in South Carolina's history near the city of McCormick. He foolishly sold the mine in 1860, and used the proceeds to launch his ill-fated chain of "Slaves 'R' Us" stores.

South Carolina was the first state to secede from the Union, on December 20th, 1860, thus fulfilling Governor Jebidiah Baldwin's promise to leave the country if a Republican was elected.

The 7th President of the US, Andrew Jackson, was born in Lancaster County, South Carolina. He earned his nickname "Old Hickory" when he used a hickory switch to beat the crap out of Alexander Hamilton to win the right to appear on the $20 bill.

The Reverend Jesse Jackson was born in Greenville, South Carolina in 1941. He's famed for his ability to use racial guilt to shake down "too white" corporations, and is generally considered the John Gotti of the Affirmative Action Mafia's protection money racket.

Oops... meant to type "famous civil rights leader"... sorry 'bout that.

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That wraps up the South Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be trampled by herds of stampeding prairie dogs as we visit South Dakota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go practice my jousting.

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Fun Facts About Rhode Island

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be wondering how they squeeze a million square miles of tacky tourist shops into a thousand square miles of state as we visit Rhode Island. So let's get started...

Rhode Island became the 13th state on May 29, 1790. It was originally founded by refugees from Connecticut and Massachusetts who thought that having double consonants in a state's name looked snooty and pretentious.

The state flag of Rhode Island is two-sided. One side features a white background with thirteen gold stars encircling a gold anchor. The other side is pure white and was inspired by the French battle flag.

The state motto of Rhode Island is "Size Doesn't Matter".

Rhode Island license plates has black letters on a light blue background and the slogan "Clamtastic!"

Rhode Island is the smallest state in the US, measuring a mere 48 by 37 miles. Think of it as the old maid in America's popcorn bucket.

Rhode Island never ratified the 18th amendment (Prohibition). They were going to, but they ran out of gas. They had a flat tire. They didn't have enough money for cab fare. Their tuxes didn't come back from the cleaners. An old friend came in from out of town. Someone stole their cars. There was an earthquake! A terrible flood! Locusts! It wasn't their fault! I swear to God!

Jeremiah Johnson of Newport, Rhode Island, was the first person to receive a jail sentence for speeding in an automobile. His sentence was later reduced to picking up after all the horses that his reckless driving had scared the crap out of.

Polo was first played in the US in Newport, Rhode Island. For those not familiar with the game, it's sorta like hockey, except with more horses and - if you can imagine this - even fewer black people.

The Flying Horse Carousel in Watch Hill, Rhode Island, is the oldest in the US. Since it was built in 1876, it has been ridden more times than Madonna.

NOTE: The previous statement should be reviewed for accuracy on a day-by-day basis.

The first circus in the US started in 1774 in Newport, Rhode Island. The ceaseless bickering between the Fat Lady and the Dog Faced Boy is frequently cited by historians as the inspiration for America's two-party political system.

Newport, Rhode Island is home to the Tennis Hall of Fame, which honors such widely-known tennis stars as... um... you know... that one guy... what's-his-face. And I think there's a couple chicks in there, too.

Whatever. Does anybody ACTUALLY follow tennis?

Songwriter George M. Cohan was born in Providence, Rhode Island. His big hit "I'm A Yankee Doodle Dandy", was translated for the British stage as "I'm An American Loony Poofter".

In 1953, St. Mary's church in Newport, Rhode Island was the site of the marriage between John F. Kennedy and Jacqueline Bouvier. It was a fairy-tale wedding, right up until the point where an especially drunken Ted Kennedy mistook the confessional for a men's room stall.

Rhode Island is famous for making silverware and fine jewelry. I personally have no idea what these are, since I'm more of a plastic spork and rubber bracelet kinda guy.

The roof of Providence, Rhode Island's New England Pest Control building is home to the world's largest bug - a 58-foot-long blue termite. The second largest bug is any given Florida cockroach.

Yeah, I know they're technically "Palmetto Bugs", but that's not much consolation when one pours out of your box of Wheaties in the morning.

At the Point Judith corrosion test site, various materials sit exposed for years to determine the effects of sun and salt air. Tests show that the thing that falls apart most rapidly under adverse circumstances is a Republican Congress.

Rhode Island was the first state to strike a blow against England during the Revolutionary War. The English ship "Gaspee" was sunk in Narragansett Bay in 1772 after being hit by a cow that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.

Roger Williams, the founder of Rhode Island, wrote the original draft of the First Amendment, guaranteeing freedom of speech, the press, religion, and public assembly. Sadly omitted in the final draft was the guarantee of hot-chicks-only nude beaches.

Samuel Slater of Pawtucket, Rhode Island, invented the water-powered cotton mill in 1790. Southern plantation owners opposed the machine, fearing that it's high efficiency and productivity could spark a wave of low self-esteem amongst the slaves.

The first British troops sent to crush the Revolution landed in Newport, Rhode Island in 1773. They were themselves crushed by a giant wooden rabbit that had been catapulted from a nearby castle.

Atop the State House in Providence, Rhode Island, stands the statue of "The Independent Man". Standing above him and wielding a rolling pin is the statue of "The Nagging Wife".

The first girl born to American colonist parents is buried in Little Compton, Rhode Island. The first boy is also buried there, under a marker engraved with his last words, "Look! Friendly Indians!"

The White Horse Tavern in Newport, Rhode Island is the oldest operating tavern in the US. When it first opened in 1673, the labelling of the men's and women's restrooms as "Stallions" and "Mares" was still considered original and clever.

Portsmouth, Rhode Island, is home to the oldest schoolhouse in the US. Built in 1716, some of George Washington's original spitballs can still be seen stuck to the ceiling.

The Rhode Island Red Monument in Adamsville, Rhode Island, honors the famous poultry breed, and is the largest chicken-related monument in the world except for the Eiffel Tower.

Built in 1763, Newport, Rhode Island's Touro Synagogue is the oldest synagogue in the US and contains the oldest Torah in North America. And no, it's NOT because they're too cheap to buy a new one. Don't be anti-Semitic.

Pelham Street in Newport, Rhode Island was the first street in America to use gas-illuminated streetlights in place of the burning witches common to New England in that era.

Rhode Island has a population of just over one million people, all of whom know that a "coffee-cup salute" is a shout-out to local businesses by Channel 10's Frank Coletta, and NOT a euphemism for an unspeakably degrading sexual act.

Don't try asking anyone from Massachusetts about it, though.

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That wraps up the Rhode Island edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be frustratedly breaking golf clubs in Myrtle Beach as we visit South Carolina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go visit the confessional before Ted Kennedy... EWWWWWWWW!... too late...

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Fun Facts About Pennsylvania

While the IMAO podcast is still MIA, I'm going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be recklessly running Amish buggies off the road for fun as we visit Pennsylvania. So let's get started...

Pennsylvania became the 2nd state on December 12, 1787. They foolishly squandered their shot at being first by mistakenly assuming that Delaware would choose scissors instead of paper.

Pennsylvania license plates are white with blue lettering, and contain the helpful phrase "Not The Sylvania With The Vampires".

The state Motto of Pennsylvania is "Buy our Revolutionary-War-related souveniers or we'll question your patriotism".

Pennsylvania has a population of over 12 million people, all of whom can spell "Roethlisberger" without looking it up first.

Born in Cove Gap, Pennsylvania, James Buchanan was elected the 15th president of the US due the use of confusing butterfly ballots in Florida - the REAL cause of the Civil War.

Pennsylvania was the first state to have its own web site - www.two.n.one.l.gov

The first baseball stadium was built in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1909. It was financed by Old Man Johnson, who explained, "It's cheaper than replacing all the windows those gul-durned whipper-snappers keep breaking - now get offa my lawn!"

Hershey, Pennsylvania is the Chocolate Capital of the US - Ray Nagin's claims about New Orleans to the contrary notwithstanding.

The first automobile service station was opened in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania in 1913. The first customer was finally served in 1915, after the invention of that cable-thingy that rings a bell when you run over it.

The first computer was built in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1946. It was as big as a house, could not answer complex questions, and its responses were confusing gobbledygook which even experts had a hard time deciphering. Sorta like Michael Moore without the filthy ballcap.

York Barbell Co. was started in York, Pennsylvania, in 1932. Its Olympic bodybuilding coach founder, Bob Hoffman, inspired such burly legends as Charles Atlas and Arnold Schwarzenegger by kicking sand in their faces and stealing their girls back when they were still weak and helpless.

The first daily newspaper in the US was published in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1784. It's first headline: "Redcoats Of Mass Destruction Never Existed - The Lies Behind Washington's Illegal War For Tea"

In Loganville, Pennsylvania, in 1885, Dr. George Holtzapple recorded the first successful medical use of oxygen to help a patient breathe. The new technique would never replace the more reliable mixture of opium smoke and powdered leeches still used in hospitals today.

The Rockville Bridge in Harrisburg, Pennsylvania was the longest stone arch bridge in the world until it was destroyed for the climatic fight scene during the filming of "Fellowship of the Ring II: The Balroginning".

Kennett Square, Pennsylvania is known as the Mushroom Capital of the World. The town produces more fungus per square foot than a truck stop shower stall.

The Declaration of Independence was singed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, in 1776. That's NOT a typo. Seems that after the signing, the Founding Fathers got 'faced and weren't too careful with the fireworks.

KDKA radio in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, produced the first commercial radio broadcast in 1920 which featured Jebediah and Ezekiel, the Wacky Amish Morning Guys.

Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, was home to the Liberty Bell for many years, but it was recently traded for the Security Bell by those who deserve neither.

Washington Crossing, Pennsylvania, holds an annual re-enactment of Washington's famous crossing of the Delaware River. At least until last year when they were sued by the ACLU, which claimed that the word "crossing" discriminated against non-Christians.

Benjamin Franklin created the first American zoo in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. It was originally stocked with British POW's wearing animal costumes.

Attention Amnesty International - NOT TORTURE.

Actor Jimmy Stewart was born in Indiana, Pennsylvania. Every year, the city is decorated with an "It's A Wonderful Life" theme. A bit of IAWL trivia - in the original version, Stewart's character burns down the Bailey Building & Loan for the insurance money and escapes to the Bahamas.

The Williamsport team won the first Little League World Series, held in Williamsport, Pennsylvania in 1947. Experts agree that the Williamsport team could quite likely have beaten the 1947 Chicago Cubs. Or the Cubs in ANY year, for that matter.

The city of State College, Pennsylvania, was the first city to offer a high school driver's education course, replacing the older method of handing the kid the keys and a six pack and wishing him luck.

George Blaisdell founded the Zippo Manufacturing Co. in Bradford, Pennsylvania, in 1932. His lighters were featured prominently in the original version of "It's A Wonderful Life".

There is actually a town in Pennsylvania called Intercourse. However, moving there won't guarantee you a satisfying sex life. Moving to Climax, Pennsylvania, on the other hand...

In 1859, Edwin Drake drilled the world's first oil well in Titusville, Pennsylvania, thus making possible the women's lubricated wrestling industry.

Johann Behrent built the first American piano in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania in 1775 after a friend bet him $200 that there was nothing more annoying than a hyperactive 3-year-old banging away on a harpsichord.

Philadelphia was the home of Betsy Ross, who made the first American flag, as well as doing the embroidery on George Washington's "If you can read this, the bitch fell off my horse" jacket.

Punxsutawney Phil, the most famous groundhog in the world, makes his home in Punxsutawney, Pennsylvania. Although ostensibly unbiased, he has long been rumored to be a mere tool of Big Weather.

Comedian and actor Bill Cosby was born in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, and was the last black man to sell a consumer product without using the word "yo".

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That wraps up the Pennsylvania edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be trying desperately to locate Quahog on a map as we visit Rhode Island.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go buy some Revolutionary-War-related souveniers.

NOW STOP QUESTIONING MY PATRIOTISM!

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Fun Facts About Oregon

While the IMAO podcast seems to be on haitus again, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be desperately pleading with grandpa not to change his will before his physician-assisted suicide appointment because we're headed to Oregon. So let's get started...

Oregon became the 33rd state on February 14th, 1859. Historians speculate that this date was chosen by then-president James Buchanan so that Mrs. Buchanan wouldn't notice that he neglected to get her a Valentine's Day present. Bloodstains on the family rolling pin provide evidence that his plan failed.

The capital of Oregon is Salem, which has nothing to do with witch-burning, despite claims to the contrary by members of the Oregon chapter of Recovered Newts Anonymous.

The state flower of Oregon is the Oregon grape, whose fruit is said to rival that of the greatest French vineyards, even though Oregonian wine lacks the cowardly and annoying bouquet of its French competitors.

Oregon license plates come in a variety of colorful designs, but all contain the phrase "Where Old Hippies Come To Die".

Oregon is nicknamed "The Beaver State". For you city-folk, a beaver is a smelly, hairy, bucktoothed animal with a wide, flat tail. Sorta like a feminist, except less prone to rabid frothing.

Oregon has more ghost towns than any other state. However, please note that moving to one of them will NOT increase your chances of scoring with Patrick Swayze.

Which could be either a bug or a feature, depending on which way you swing.

Oregon's Columbia River Gorge is considered by many to offer the world's best windsurfing. Of course, those "many" are mostly people who think it's funny to watch windsurfers crash into rocks.

Oregon's Crater Lake is the deepest lake in America. The bottom reaches all the way to Hell, and will become the source of the eternally leaky roof used to torture Bob Villa after he dies.

Like New Jersey, Oregon has no self-serve gas stations. The idea is to provide jobs for folks who aren't quite bright enough to master the phrase "fries with that?" and other people who vote Democrat.

The Coast Douglas Fir - at 329 feet - was the tallest tree in the state until it was cut down to make "Save the Spotted Owl" flyers for the Sierra Club.

Oregon's state nut is the Hazelnut. Oregon is the only state with an official state nut, since Michigan's Michael Moore is technically classified as a "lunatic".

The town of Boring, Oregon, was named for its founder, W.H. Boring, and NOT because the town's only TV station shows nothing but reruns of Everybody Loves Raymond.

The world's largest sea-cave is located near Florence, Oregon, and is populated mostly by round-bellied sharks and shredded wetsuits.

Oregon's Heceta Head Lighthouse is the most photographed lighthouse in the nation, due in large part to its scenic quaintness. At least according to its 36-24-36 nudist lighthouse keeper.

Eugene, Oregon is rated the best cycling community in the US by "Cycling Magazine". It's also the nation's top consumer of "Lance Armstrong Brand Undetectable Injectable Testosterone".

There are nine lighthouses still standing along the Oregon coastline. Five are still in use, the other four were sold as advertising space for Viagra.

The Columbia Gorge Interpretive Center contains the world's largest collection of rosaries, although not quite enough to keep Ted Kennedy from going to Hell, where he'll share a house with Bob Villa.

The Seaside Aquarium was the first to successfully breed harbor seals in captivity. They credit their success to cheap wine and Barry White CD's.

Salem's capitol building is topped by a statue titled "Oregon Pioneer", which features a drunken French-Candadian fur-trader in the midst of hollering "Where do you guys keep the beaver around here?".

Oregon has the only state flag with different designs on each side. The back of the Oregon flag features a beaver, which would appear to answer the Oregon Pioneer's question.

The International Museum of Carousel Art in Hood River, Oregon contains the world's largest collection of carousel horses and is known to the locals as the "Wooden Glue Factory".

Every house in Bickelton, Oregon has a bluebird house built onto it. It's as though Hitchcock filmed "The Birds" in Stepford.

The origins of Oregon's name are shrouded in mystery, although the most popular theory is that it was derived from an incident during the Lewis & Clark expedition where they lost a canoe paddle on the Columbia river.

Which would also explain Oregon's other nickname - "the bad pun state".

Eugene, Oregon was the first city in the US to have one way streets, effectively halving the number of times motorists get harrassed by the same squeegee guy.

The state motto of Oregon is "Alis Volat Propiis" - Latin for "Canada's THAT way, ya draft-dodging hippie".

Oregon's state fish is the Chinook Salmon, which is on the verge of extinction, since it's not cute & fluffy enough for environmentalists to give a crap about.

Portland, Oregon, is home to the International Rose Test Garden, where researchers recently developed a Super Rose, beautiful enough to buy forgiveness for a 3 a.m. stumbling-drunk return from a strip club.

Tillamook is the site of Oregon's largest cheese factory and, coincidentally, Oregon's largest mouse-trap factory.

At 8000 feet deep, Hell's Canyon is the deepest river gorge in North America. A scale model of it can be seen by observing the trickle of sweat continuously running along the bottom of one of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

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That wraps up the Oregon edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be suckered into paying $100 for a "genuine" piece of Ben Franklin's kite as we visit Pennsylvania.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go out and buy me a Super Rose

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Fun Facts About Oklahoma

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned in sporadic fashion, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be visiting the state where, when a man says "mine's bigger", he's talking about his belt buckle, because we're headed to Oklahoma. So let's get started...

Oklahoma was admitted to the union as the 46th state on November 16th, 1907, in order to fill a diversity quota for states that vaguely resemble cookware.

The state flower of Oklahoma is mistletoe. Its berries are deadly poisonous, which is convenient since there's really nothing to live for in Oklahoma, anyway.

Oklahoma's name comes from the Choctaw Indian word "oka-oma", which means "mobile home destroyed by tornado".

The state song of Oklahoma is, as you would expect, the title song from the musical "Oklahoma". Which doesn't make the residents of the state gay. Unless they actually LIKE the song.

The world's first parking meter was installed in Oklahoma City, and was seen as a reasonable alternative to the previous method of controlling parking time - throwing a dead skunk on the hood of the vehicle after 30 minutes.

Although most residents of Vinita, Oklahoma, were pleased to become the first city in the state to receive electricity in 1871, city hall was soon inundated by complaints from citizens who were unable to make their VCR's stop blinking "12:00".

Oklahoma City has an operating oil well on its capitol grounds. Despite numerous attempts to have it removed, Mr. Clampett firmly refuses to sell.

Duncan, Oklahoma is home to a life-size statue of a cattle drive, titled, "I Crap Bigger Than You".

Boise City, Oklahoma was the only city in the US to be bombed during World War II. In 1943, a US B-17 bomber dropped 6 practice bombs on the town as a warning to other cities that were still selling sauerkraut instead of "Liberty Cabbage".

Okmulgee, Oklahoma holds the record for the world's largest pecan pie. It was 60 feet in diameter, and contained over 300,000 pecans, as well as a dozen squirrels who didn't get out of the nut bin in time.

The state motto of Oklahoma is "labor omnia vincit", which means "my brother was an extra in 'Twister'".

Oklahoma residents are known as "Sooners", after the disreputable people who made homestead claims prior to the official start time of noon on April 22nd, 1889. Personally, I don't like the nickname because it makes light of a serious offense. It's like referring to terrorists who blow up children as "baby boomers".

The National Cowboy Hall of Fame is located in Oklahoma City. Whaddya wanna be that Terrell Owens throws a fit because they won't induct him?

Every April, the city of Beaver, Oklahoma, holds the World Championship Cow Chip Throw. It's the one time of year where the phrase "You wanna watch me fling poo?" actually works as a pick-up line.

Sylvan Goldman of Oklahoma City invented the modern shopping cart, enabling the homeless to at last to transport their worldly goods without the use of Sherpas.

Jenks, Oklahoma, is home to more antique stores than any other city, and has more useless, outdated, unworkable items than a Democractic Party platform.

The first capital city of Oklahoma was Guthrie, but it was later moved to Oklahoma City, since no one wanted their state to be associated with a crappy folk singer.

I mean, "You can get anything you want blah, blah, blah" over and over and over. Doesn't that song ever freakin' END?

At over a mile in length, Oklahoma's Pensacola Dam is the world's largest multiple arch dam. In case of leaks, there are emergency repair kits every 1000 feet containing a sponge and a roll of duct tape.

Bob Dunn of Beggs, Oklahoma, invented the world's first electric guitar in 1935, about the same time that his mother coined the phrase "turn that crap down!".

At 287 feet above sea level, Little River, Oklahoma is the lowest point in the state and is reputed to be one of the many low places where Oklahoma native Garth Brooks has friends.

Oklahoma City's WKY was the first radio station to broadcast west of the Mississippi. It's first transmission was "HELP! TORNADO!".

The National Lighter Museum in Guthrie, Oklahoma, contains over 20,000 lighters, the largest collection outside of a Rolling Stones concert.

Oklahoma was the setting for the movie Twister, which proved to be very difficult to shoot, since other tornadoes kept sneaking onto the set and holding up "Hi Mom!" signs.

Antlers, Oklahoma now bills itself as "The Deer Capital of the World" after recieving too many complaints about its previous nickname of "The World's Horniest City".

Oklahoma is one of only two states whose capital cities include the name of the state. The other is New York.

Why yes, I *did* fail geography in high school. How did you know?

The first YIELD sign was installed in Tulsa, Oklahoma, and was generally considered an improvement over the earlier version which simply said "Prepare For Impact".

Oklahoma has more man-made lakes than any other state, most of which are a result of a lack of duct tape at the Pensacola Dam.

Humorist Will Rogers was born in Oologah, Oklahoma, and is best known for his saying, "I never met a man I didn't like". Please note that he died before Michael Moore was born.

Durant, Oklahoma is home to "the world's largest peanut" - a 3-footer. After being informed that Georgia had a 6-foot peanut, Oklahoma renamed theirs "the world's largest peanut - after taxes".

Oklahoma was featured in the book, "The Grapes of Wrath", as well as the sequel, "The Raisins of Petulance".

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That wraps up the Oklahoma edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be helping the border patrol beat up on hippies sneaking north from California as we visit Oregon.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go fling some poo. Anyone wanna watch?

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Fun Facts About Ohio

While the IMAO podcast HAS returned, I'm still going to keep posting the latest uncut Fun Facts About The 50 States - hopefully on a weekly schedule. Figure by the time it shows up in a podcast, you'll have forgotten all the jokes anyway.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, the natives will be tricking us into believing that buckeyes actually come from the annual shedding of the male deer's eyeballs as we visit Ohio. So let's get started...

Ohio became the 17th state on March 1, 1803 and was originally populated by people who were improperly whacked by the Detroit mob and dumped into Lake Erie.

The state flower of Ohio is the Scarlet Carnation, more popularly known as the flower that cheapskates buy for their ladies instead of roses.

The first ambulance service in the US was started in Cincinnati, Ohio, in 1865 as a method of promoting physical fitness among lawyers.

Cleveland, Ohio is home to America's first traffic light. The idea was borrowed from the French "war light", whose green, red, and yellow signals told French citizens whether to flee, surrender, or collaborate.

Ermal Fraze invented the pop-top can in Kettering, Ohio, which replaced the older, less reliable method of opening cans - outraging a Muslim into suicide-bombing it open for you.

Singer Dean Martin was born in Steubenville, Ohio, and was the last non-Frenchman to sincerely believe that Jerry Lewis was funny.

The cash register was invented in Dayton, Ohio in 1879 by James Ritty. The first model consisted of a locking drawer attached to his wife's cleavage.

"Hang On Sloopy" is the official state rock song of Ohio, which narrowly beat out "Smack My Bitch Up".

Although Ohio's state nickname is the "Buckeye State", long-time residents still prefer the previous nickname of the "Big Red Dangling Nuts State".

Ohio's name comes from an Iroquois Indian word meaning "Lake Erie's on fire again".

Founded in 1869, the Cincinnati Reds were the first professional baseball team. The second professional team wasn't created until 1870, which may explain why the Reds won their first 130 games by forfeit.

Akron, Ohio was the first city to use police cars. Coincidentally, it was also the first city with a donut shop.

Cincinnati was the first city with a full-time professional fire department, originally consisting of 25 Dalmations with bladder-control problems.

Akron, Ohio is the rubber capital of the world, annually producing enough of the material to supply rubber chickens to every crappy prop comic on earth. Or to supply one Carrot Top show.

The American Federation of Labor union was founded in Columbus, Ohio. It offers all the high-quality corrupt thuggery you've come to expect from East Coast unions, but with a pleasant mid-western accent.

At the age of 77, Ohio senator John Glenn became the oldest man to visit outer space aboard the space shuttle Discovery. The ship was grounded for six months afterwards while crews worked around the clock to get the "old person smell" out of it.

Cleveland, Ohio, is the home of the Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, which is located across the street from the Alcohol and Drug Abuse Museum.

Ohio is the nation's leading producer of greenhouse and nursery plants. None of which are marijuana. And no, I don't know where you can get any. Now get away from me, you stupid hippy!

Canton, Ohio, is home to the Pro Football Hall of Fame. There's no doubt in my mind that Terrell Owens will make it in there someday - if he stops at the front counter and pays for an adult admission ticket.

Neil Armstrong was born in Wapakoneta, Ohio, and became the first man to walk on the moon. The second man to walk on the moon... eh... who cares about THAT loser!

Born in Dayton, Ohio, the Wright Brothers invented the airplane in 1903. Their accomplishment was was largely ignored until they invented the scantily-clad stewardess in 1905.

Americans have elected seven presidents from the state of Ohio. If we elect three more, we'll get a coupon for a free Speaker of the House.

The hot dog was given its name by concessionaire Harry Stevens of Niles, Ohio, after discovering that people weren't interested in buying his "snouts & sawdust sausages".

50% of the United States population lives within a 500 mile radius of Columbus, Ohio. The other 50% lives with a profound sense of relief.

Charles Kettering of Loudonville, Ohio, invented the automobile self-starter in 1911, which was a huge improvement over the old method of grabbing the engine block while peeing on an electric fence.

Ohio's state flag is the only one of the 50 states' which is a penant shape, rather than rectangular. Sorta like that kid you went to school with who thought that being the only person with a mullet made him cool.

In 1839, Charles Goodyear of Akron, Ohio, developed the process of vulcanizing rubber. Prior to that time, rubber could neither live long nor prosper.

Teflon was invented by Roy Plunkett of New Carlisle, Ohio, in 1938 after he followed a recipe for homemade glue typed up by his dyslexic secretary.

Oberlin College was founded in 1833, with the goal of becoming the first interracial and coeducational college in the US. It took a lot of persuading to get people to part with perfectly good tuition money only to be forced to rub elbows with filthy Irishmen.

Civil War General and US President Ulysses S. Grant was born in Point Pleasant, Ohio. His only notable accomplishments were getting really drunk and killing people. Which means that if Ted Kennedy ever became president, we'd soon have a new portrait on the $50 bill.

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That wraps up the Ohio edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be wondering why the musical didn't mention tornadoes and trailer parks as we visit Oklahoma.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go find an electric fence so I can start my car.

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Fun Facts About North Dakota

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be picking Canadian coins out of our pocket change and tossing them into fountains to make 89% of our wishes come true as we visit North Dakota. So let's get started...

North Dakota became the 39th state on November 2, 1889. It was originally settled by Canadians searching for somewhere to live that wasn't cold and boring. The expedition was, of course, a miserable failure.

Westhope, North Dakota, is the state's busiest point of entry into Canada. Over 72,000 people per year cross the border there - mostly Hollywood types making good on their promises to leave the country after Bush was elected.

Dakota Gasification Co. of Beulah, North Dakota is the nation's only producer of "synthetic natural gas" - an oxymoron of a degree second only to "peaceful Muslim".

Writing Rock State Historical Site near Grenora, North Dakota, features two granite boulders with carvings of the mythological Thunderbird. Which is either an example of early Indian religion or a declaration of their love for cheap, fortified wine.

North Dakota got its name from the Sioux Indian word "Da-ko-ta", meaning "pasty white guys"

The town of Rugby, North Dakota, is the geographical center of the North American continent, which - for those of you with public school educations - is the one that's right above that ice-cream-cone-shaped continent.

In 1987, North Dakota passed a law making English the state's official language, as a direct snub to those who only speak Canadian.

"Whut's dat aboot, eh?" - I mean, who can understand THAT goofy monkey-jabber?

In 1989, North Dakota attempted to drop the word "North" from the state's name, seeking to become known simply as "Dakota". The bill was defeated after their neighbor to the south threatened to change its name to "Smart Dakota".

Max Taubert of Casselton, North Dakota built a 50-foot-tall pyramid out of empty oil cans. Experts are still debating whether Taubert was an artistic genius or just a lazy slob who couldn't remember that trash day was Tuesday.

Devil's Lake - the largest natural body of water in North Dakota - got it's name from a mistranslation of the Sioux Indian word "Miniwaukan", which actually means "Satan's Urinal".

The Dakota Dinosaur Museum in Dickinson, North Dakota, contains dozens of complete dinosaur skeltons and celebrates the North Dakota state recreational pastime of watching things slowly turn to stone.

Harvey, North Dakota... no relation

The largest state-owned sheep research center in the US is located in Hettinger, North Dakota, and specializes in trying to discover what it is about sheep that makes ordinary men suddenly unable to quit each other.

The original grave of Sioux Indian leader Sitting Bull can be found in Fort Yates, North Dakota. His last words before being killed in 1890 were "Me think-um white man not have guts to pull trigger".

Jamestown, North Dakota is home to the world's largest buffalo statue. It's 26 feet tall, weighs 60 tons and features a small plaque at its base that says "Yes, we KNOW it's actually a 'bison'. We don't care. Shut up."

North Dakota grows more sunflowers than any other state, which is why they were going to name their NFL expansion team the "Sunflowers". It's also why the last NFL expansion franchise was granted to Houston, instead.

The historic Opera House in Ellendale, North Dakota was shut down after 90 years of successful operation in 1999 when it made the regrettable decision to put on performances of the controversial musical, "The Pedophiles of Penzance".

A "flickertail" is a small ground squirrel native to North Dakota which gets its name from its characteristic manner of flicking its tail just before entering its burrow. Sorta like the way a Democrat flinches upon hearing good news out of Iraq.

North Dakota's biggest tourist attraction is the annual Killdeer Mountain Roundup Rodeo, which is the one time of year when residents can chase, tackle, and tie up animals for pleasure without running afoul of the state's beastiality laws.

Before becoming President, Teddy Roosevelt came to the Dakota territory in 1883 to hunt bison. He left in 1898 to fight in the Spanish-American War because he thought it would be more fun to hunt Spaniards.

Known as "The Small, Friendly German Town on the Dakota Prairie", New Leipzig, North Dakota, hosts an annual Oktoberfest celebration during which it invades and conquers the neighboring city of New Paris.

Every year, New Rockford, North Dakota hosts the Central North Dakota Steam Threshers Reunion, which features a variety of antique farm machinery, some of which is so old that it's actually been used to harvest non-government subsidized crops.

Fort Berthold Community College near New Town, North Dakota, was the first tribally chartered college in North Dakota and offers courses in casino operations and victim-card playing.

Rutland, North Dakota created the World's Largest Hamburger. Over nine thousand people came to sample the nearly two-ton burger, and all of them went home hungry, since Michael Moore was first in line.

Turtle Lake, North Dakota hosts the annual United States Turtle Racing Championship. The losers of the race compete again later in the day during the United States Turtle Soup Cook-off.

Bismark, North Dakota features a statue of Lewis & Clark's Indian guide Sacagewea. She's depicted gazing westward toward the country she helped open, while the baby strapped to her back is shown giving the finger eastward to the country that forced his mom to live on a reservation.

The Lewis & Clark expedition encountered hungry grizzly bears in North Dakota, which is also where they lost their first Indian guide, Snackagewea.

North Dakota's highest point, White Butte, features numerous small piles of rocks. Known as shepherder's monuments, they were piled there by sheepherders as a way to pass the time. Sorta like a primitive version of Microsoft Solitaire.

The International Peace Garden straddles the international boundary between North Dakota and the Canadian province of Manitoba. Like the peace movement itself, it's filled entirely with pansies.

The Fort Union Trading Post in North Dakota was the principal fur-trading site in the region from 1829 to 1867. It was one of the few places in the country where no one would raise an eyebrow upon hearing the phrase "I'm going into town to see if I can trade my beaver for a bottle of whiskey".

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That wraps up the North Dakota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be shopping for discount Drew Carey glasses as we visit Ohio.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go head into town to see what I can get for this bottle of whiskey.

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Fun Facts About North Carolina

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be singing our way through the cotton harvest as we visit North Carolina. So let's get started...

North Carolina became the 12th state on November, 21st, 1789. Then, as now, it was the nation's leading producer of tobacco products and is the only state in the US whose constitution includes a Surgeon General's warning.

The state song of North Carolina is a wet, hacking cough.

Although Carolina is currently considered a woman's name, North Carolina was actually named for England's King Charles I, since the Latin word "Carolus" means both "Charles" and "mincing poofter girly-man".

In 1903, the Wright Brothers had their first successful airplane flight near Kitty Hawk, North Carolina. Although early flights barely left the ground, they were quite popular among amorous couples seeking to join the "10-foot-high club".

In the early 1700's Beaufort Town, North Carolina was a notorious haven for pirates - cruel, dim-witted men with foul mouths and poor personal hygiene who wouldn't hesitate to use violence to get their way. Rather like hippies, except with bigger boats.

The famous lighthouse at Cape Hatteras, North Carolina had to be moved due to erosion problems, due in large part to endless streams of tourists spitting over the rail of the observation deck.

The state bird of North Carolina is the Cardinal, which I assume was chosen for its red neck.

The Andy Griffith show was set in the fictional town of Mayberry, North Carolina. It was based on an actual city, but to appease the censors, they changed Otis' role to town drunk instead of his real job as Aunt Bea's pimp.

North Carolina's state vegetable is the Sweet Potato, which was chosen by the state's majority population of Sweet Irish.

Harker Island, North Carolina, is home to the annual Core Sound Duck Decoy Festival which boasts more fake but accurate items than a CBS news broadcast.

The WWII battleship North Carolina was preserved as a museum in 1963 as a reminder to the Japs that they should stick to tending goldfish.

The first English Colony in America was at Roanoke Island, North Carolina. The entire population vanished without a trace in 1590, which is not as mysterious as it sounds, since the colony consisted entirely of deadbeat dads.

The state motto of North Carolina is "Esse quam videri", which is Latin for "arrogant basketball snobs".

At nearly 6700 feet, North Carolina's Mount Mitchell is the highest peak east of the Mississippi and is rumored to be the hiding place of the notorious terrorist Bubba bin Laden.

Krispy Kreme Donuts was started in 1937 in Winston-Salem, North Carolina. The donuts are staggeringly popular throughout the US, despite the fact that their name is an obvious euphemism for "stale filling".

The Venus Flytrap is a carnivorous plant which is native to North Carolina. It will eat dead flies, spoiled hamburger, and most other things commonly found in the kitchen at McDonalds.

The first miniature golf course was built in Fayetteville, North Carolina, and was originally invented to appeal to tourists who hate exercise, but really enjoy frustrated cursing.

Babe Ruth hit the first of his record 714 home runs while playing in Fayetteville, North Carolina on March 7, 1914. He also hit his first peanut vendor in the process - his record for that (179) remains unbroken to this day.

The Biltmore Estate in Ashville, North Carolina is America's largest home. Designed by architect Mike Brady, it contains 255 rooms and a single, shared, upstairs bathroom with no toilet.

The first state-owned art museum is located in Raleigh, North Carolina. All modern art exhibits there are limited by law to 1.6 gallons per flush.

North Carolina's Grandfather Mountain is designated by the UN as an "International Biosphere Reserve", which is just a polite way of saying "a place for the French to hide in case they get frightened by a loud noise or something".

The Mile-High Swinging Bridge near Linville, North Carolina, is 5305 feet above sea level. It wasn't originally designed to swing, but that's Union labor for ya.

Pepsi was invented in New Bern, North Carolina in 1898. The secret ingredient in the beverage is a closely-guarded secret, but here's a hint: the beverage was originally called "Peesi".

The town of Wendell, North Carolina, was named for Oliver Wendell Holmes, or possibly for that pale, sickly kid on the Simpsons.

Golfing legend Arnold Palmer started his career playing on the championship golf team of Wake Forest University. He's credited with inventing the "casually kick the ball closer to the hole maneuver" now popularly known as "Palmering".

Born in Fayetteville, North Carolina, in 1822 Hiram Rhoades Revels became the first black member of the US Congress - inexplicably, without Jesse Jackson's help.

17th President Andrew Johnson started out as a tailor's apprentice in Raleigh, North Carolina. He became the first President in American history to be impeached, but was acquitted in his Senate trial, since his crimes DID include lying about diddling an intern.

North Carolina leads the nation in furniture production, and is famous for its leather sofas made from the skins of unlucky NASCAR drivers.

North Carolina was the first state in the US to establish a state symphony orchestra, which consisted of a jug, a washboard, and a washtub bass.

In 1987, North Carolina declared milk to be the official state beverage when the clerk typing up the bill inadvertently misspelled "moonshine".

Born in Charlotte, North Carolina, televangelist Billy Graham - like Osama bin Laden - used the power of modern media to spread his religious message. Fortunately, his followers usually became naggy church ladies instead of suicide bombers.

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That wraps up the North Carolina edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be mortified to discover that the people in Fargo really DO sound like those people in the movie, as we visit North Dakota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go join the "10-foothigh club".

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Fun Facts About New York

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking a trip to the state that habitually refers to Canada as "our neighbor to the west" - New York. So let's get started...

New York became the 11th state on July 26th, 1788 and was originally called New Amsterdam. Before the final name change, it was variously known as Not New Jersey, Whaddyalookinat, and Hookerland.

New York City's most famous landmark, the Statue of Liberty, is constructed out of copper and eventually turned green due to pollution from coal burning factories. If you scraped off the corrosion, you'd find that the statue was actually pink, completely naked, and originally titled "The Statue of Yowza!"

Vassar College, in Poughkeepsie, New York, was orginally founded as a women's college in 1861. Its motto is "Where women go to feel smart between evenings of drunken table dancing".

The 1969, the Woodstock Music Festival was held on Max Yasgur's farm in Bethel, New York. It reportedly took Mr. Yasgur over 2 years to get that hippie smell out of his manure pit.

Dairy farming is New York's #1 agricultural activity. The state's 18,000 dairy farms have a milk-producing capacity nearly that of Dolly Parton.

In 1807, the world's first steamboat, the Clermont, made its maiden voyage between New York City and Albany. It was during this trip that the phrase "are we there, yet?" was first coined.

The state tree of New York is the billboard

In 1899, the Kosher wine industry was started by Sam Shapiro in New York City. Before that, Jews drank nothing but the fermented blood of Palestinian babies. Or so I've heard.

New York City has 722 miles of subway track. Most of it heavily stained with wino vomit.

"Wizard of Oz" author L. Frank Baum was born in Chittenago, New York. His famous tale was loosely based on the lives of Al and Tipper Gore, as most great American stories are.

The New York Post - founded in 1803 by Alexander Hamilton - is America's oldest continually-published newspaper. Its first headline was "Jefferson Has No Exit Strategy For Barbary Coast Pirate Quagmire".

John Babcock of New York City invented the stationary rowing machine in 1869 as a less-smelly alternative to the then-popular exercise fad of riding a dead horse.

The first railroad in America ran the 11 miles between Albany and Schenectady, NY. The slow, primitive train ride carried few passengers, since riding a dead horse between the towns was nearly as fast.

New York City was the first capital of the United States. George Washington took his oath of office there in 1789, beginning the city's long and cherished tradition of gullibly trusting lying politicians.

Every November, New York City's Empire State Building plays host to the Boy Scouts' annual Urban Camp-out, allowing scouts to earn the elusive Drunk Rolling and Crack Procurement merit badges.

During the war of 1812, meatpacker Sam Wilson of Troy, New York, stamped "U.S. Beef" on the products he sent to the troops. This was popularly interpreted as - and began the legend of - Uncle Sam, although the letters actually stood for "urine soaked".

Don't make that face at me. Urine contains a plethora of natural preservatives.

Actor Humphrey Bogart was born in New York City in 1899. Little known fact - in the movie "Casablanca", he never said "Play it again, Sam." What he actually said was "AOL sends spam", one of the most prescient lines in cinematic history.

Jell-O was invented in Rochester, New York in 1897. Mostly as a way to help dispose of the mountains of dead horses that people didn't ride any more.

Marshmallows were also invented in Rochester. They stopped being manufactured there in 1984 after the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man destroyed the city.

For obvious reasons, bumper-to-bumper warranties for cars sold in New York City do NOT cover the horn.

Gennaro Lombardi opened America's first pizzeria in New York City in 1895. Slices of the original pie are still being sold there today, or at least that's what it tastes like.

Locals don't complain about it, though, since New Yorkers wouldn't know good pizza if it jumped up and stuffed their noses full of pepperoni.

On July 28th, 1945, a B-25 bomber crashed into the 79th floor of the Empire State Building. The pilot wasn't Muslim, just really stupid, which isn't technically the same thing.

Joseph C. Gayetty of New York City introduced toilet paper to the world in 1857, causing sales of The New York Times to plummet.

Camera inventor George Eastman was born in Waterville, NY in 1854. His device was second only to the creation of the internet in revolutionizing the pornography industry.

New York was the first state to require license plates on automobiles, which featured the motto, "Get out of my way, jackass!"

Famed for his numerous, heartwarming Saturday Evening Post covers, painter Norman Rockwell was born in New York City. The secret to his technique was looking out the window of his Hell's Kitchen apartment and then painting the exact opposite of what he saw.

New York City is world-famous for its cultural diversity. While walking even a single block, a tourist can expect to be cursed at in over 40 different languages.

Contrary to the popular myth, local Indians did NOT sell the island of Manhattan for $24 worth of beads and trinkets. It was actually lost during an inexplicable run of bad luck at a Coney Island sidewalk game of 3-Card-Monte.

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That wraps up the New York edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be stuck to the floor by the tar on our heels as we visit North Carolina.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go earn some merit badges.

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Fun Facts About New Mexico

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to visit the state that 9 out of 10 kids mislabel as Arizona when they try to fill out a blank map of the US, otherwise known as New Mexico. So let's get started...

New Mexico became the 47th state on January 6th, 1912. It was originally founded by a refugees from Texas seeking the religious freedom to end their prayers with "Amen" instead of "YEE-HAW!".

Only 10% of the New Mexico Territory acquired by the US government during the Mexican-American War actually became the state of New Mexico. Very much like your income after taxes.

The world's largest hot air balloon festival is held in Albuquerque, New Mexico, since the city's air comes conveniently pre-heated.

Only .002% of New Mexico's total surface area is covered by lakes and rivers, giving it a water-to-land ratio just slightly larger than Ted Kennedy's conscience-to-soul ratio.

The world's first atomic bomb was detonated near Alamagordo, New Mexico, on July 16th, 1945. The site was chosen by President Truman because he thought it "sounded Japanese enough for blowin' up".

New Mexico's White Sands National Monument is the state's most popular tourist destination among confused cocaine addicts.

Grants, New Mexico, was once known as "the carrot capital of the country" until it was brought low by a plague of wascally wabbits.

The northwest corner of New Mexico borders the corners of three other states, where Cerberus jealously guards against invaders from Colorado, Utah, and Arizona.

The Palace of the Governors in Sante Fe, New Mexico, was built in 1610 and is the oldest public buildings in America. Its walls are covered by colorful frescos and the unremovable stench of nearly 400 years of political corruption.

The ancient Anasazi Indian civilization flourished in New Mexico for over 1300 years before being invaded and conquered by confused cocaine addicts.

New Mexico is the only state in the US named after the country from which the land was acquired. At least until we get around to re-naming Quebec "New Canada".

That's right, you filthy Canucks, we're comin' for ya.

The state flower of New Mexico is the Yucca. Like hemp, its sturdy, fibrous leaves make excellent rope, yet hippies are inexplicably unenthusiastic about it.

Over 1/4 of New Mexico is covered by lush, tropical, dust forests.

Hippies aren't crazy about those, either.

The largest fire in New Mexico's history destroyed nearly 50,000 acres of forest in 2000, and was caused by an Enron document-destroying party that got out of hand.

In 1950, the cub that became the original Smokey the Bear was found after a fire in New Mexico's Lincoln National Forest where he was convicted of arson and sentenced to a life of community service as the Forest Service's mascot.

1 out of 3 families in New Mexico speak Spanish at home. While driving, however, 100% of the state's residents that I cut off in traffic shook their fist and called me "pendejo!", so that first statistic might be low.

The mine at Lake Valley, New Mexico, has veins of 100% pure silver, which allows for removal without destructive mining techniques. Ben & Jerry's was so impressed by this environmentally-friendly operation that they offered to name an ice cream flavor after it, until they realized that nothing really rhymes with "silver".

Inventor Robert Goddard made great advances in the science of rocketry at his Roswell, New Mexico, testing site. The museum dedicated to his work features scale models of his rocket designs and the stuffed & mounted bodies of all the aliens he shot down.

After helping to create the atomic bomb at the Los Alamos, New Mexico, facility, many of the scientists and engineers remained in the area, leading to the creation of America's first Federal Nerd Sanctuary.

1 in 4 adults in New Mexico are employed directly by the Federal Government, which may explain the state's motto of "Liberty, Bureaucracy, Sloth".

There were no public schools in New Mexico until the early 20th century, which is why the state's residents can both spell and pronounce "Albuquerque" correctly.

New Mexico has more sheep and cattle than people. McDonalds reports having a hard time keeping up with demand for its new McMeadow sandwich.

Because of its arid climate, 3/4 of New Mexico's roads are unpaved. Since the dirt is so dry and compacted, it doesn't wash away when it rains. Much like when a hippie showers.

Yeah, I know, but use your imagination.

Sportscaster John Madden was born in Austin, New Mexico, on the same day as the detonation of the first atomic bomb, which may explain his penchant for the word "boom!".

The city of Truth of Consequences, New Mexico, was named after a popular 1950's radio quiz show, or possibly the fact that it's inhabited by mind reading aliens who deal screaming death to those who dare speak untruths in their presence.

Either way, Bill Clinton has never visited the city. Make of that what you will.

The town of Deming, New Mexico, is known for its annual duck races. Insider tip: bet heavily on "Quack O' War".

Singer John Denver was born in Roswell, New Mexico, and is credited by many as the inspiration for Metallica's raw, heavy metal sound.

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That wraps up the New Mexico edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be shocked to discover that there's actually an entire state surrounding that big, smelly, attention-hogging city, as we visit New York.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find a church service to attend - YEE-HAW!

Hey... I'm Orthodox.

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Fun Facts About New Jersey

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to thrill to the intoxicating aroma of inadequately-maintained industrial landfills as we visit New Jersey. So let's get started...

New Jersey became the 3rd state on December 18, 1787 after cutting off the head of Old Jersey and shouting "There can be only ONE!"

The state song of New Jersey is "I'm From New Jersey", the only state song which is perfectly adaptable to any state or city with a 3-syllable name. Think of it as "witness protection program friendly".

At over 1000 people per square mile, New Jersey has a population density 13 times the US average, the subject of numerous protests by KFCeTP (Kentucky Fried Chickens for the Ethical Treatment of People).

Newark, New Jersey is the car-theft capital of the world, although the Newark Chamber of Commerce prefers to refer to it as "pre-emptive recycling".

Cape May, New Jersey, is the oldest seaside resort in the US and brags that it has "the best fed sharks north of Amity".

The state flag of New Jersey has a buff colored background, the state seal (3 plows topped by a horse's head) and the state motto "Perhaps you should reconsider the Don's generous offer".

The state flower of New Jersey is the violet. And before you ask: no, I didn't accidentally leave out the "n".

The state's name, however, WAS originally a typographical error, when an inattentive clerk mistakenly typed an "s" instead of a "k" on the colony's application for statehood.

One exceptionally capitalistic area of New Jersey contains 7 shopping malls in a 25 square mile area and frequently exceeds the EPA limits on perfume particulates.

New Jersey is America's second largest producer of industrial chemicals. First, if you include the stuff that's burning on the rivers.

Thomas Edison invented the light bulb in his Menlo Park, New Jersey, laboratory, which soon replaced kerosene, whale oil, and natural gas lamps as the "good idea" symbol.

The first Miss America pageant took place in Atlantic City, New Jersey, in 1921, helping to end the dark chapter in American history where beautiful, large-breasted women were routinely shunned and ignored.

The streets in the game Monopoly are all named for actual streets in Atlantic City, New Jersey, which are frequently clogged with shoes and tophats.

New Jersey's Fort Dix was named for Major General John Adams Dix, and NOT for the fact that it was the last all-male Army base in the US

Atlantic City, New Jersey has the longest boardwalk in the world. Enough trees were used in its construction to make 10,000 hippies weep in anguish.

The first Indian reservation in the US was created in New Jersey, which - surprisingly - did NOT trigger a case involving the 8th Amendment's "cruel and unusual punishment" clause.

Union, New Jersey is home to the world's tallest water tower. At 212 feet tall, it contains enough water to completely clean out three of Michael Moore's belly-folds.

New Jersey is the only state in the nation that offers child abuse prevention workshops in every public school. Although you'd think that if they REALLY cared about the kids, they'd just move them out of the state.

The first baseball game was played in Hoboken, New Jersey, one of the few times in the state's history where the use of a baseball bat wasn't immediately followed by a homicide investigation.

The first drive-in movie theater was opened Camden, New Jersey, in 1933, less than one year before Camden set the record for "most illegitimate births".

Tourism is New Jersey's second-largest industry, just behind discreet body-disposal.

The knobbed whelk is the state seashell, not a nickname for New York tourists.

The first dinosaur skeleton found in the US was discoverd in Haddonfield, New Jersey. Paleontologists theorize that the cause of its death was not accepting the Don's generous offer.

Dioxin is New Jersey's state toxic waste

Good luck guessing whether that one's true or not.

Comedians Bud Abbot and Lou Costello were both born in New Jersey. Their famous comedy routine "Who Do Youse Want Me to Whack First" was later re-written slightly to appeal to a broader audience.

Singer Whitney Houston was born in Newark, New Jersey, where she first discovered her amazing talent for making dogs howl across three counties.

Singer Bruce Springsteen was born in Freehold, New Jersey. The city's residents are the only people who know what he's actually singing in "Blinded By The Light"

"Washing with a loofah in the corner to the right"? "Dressed up in a tutu like the mother of my wife"? What the HELL is he singing?

"The Chairman of the Board" Frank Sinatra was born in Hoboken, New Jersey. He... I've just been handed a note... apparently if I value my kneecaps, I should be keepin' by yap shut about Mr. Sinatra.

Nevermind.

In New Jersey, "Wawa" refers to a particular chain of convenience stores, NOT to the last sound the guy in your trunk makes before you throw him in the dumpster behind the convenience store.

The reason people always ask folks from New Jersey "What exit?" is that it's the only phrase that can't be mistaken for a criticism of Mr. Sinatra.

---

That wraps up the New Jersey edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be nervously drumming our fingers on the dashboard while awaiting the arrival of our drug mule near the southern border of New Mexico.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go take the Don up on his generous offer of a free trip to the back of the Wawa.

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Fun Facts About New Hampshire

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to buy a pile of sales-tax-free - though horribly overpriced - Revolutionary-War-related souveniers as we tour New Hapshire. So let's get started...

New Hampshire became the 9th state on June 21st, 1788, it was originally founded by refugees from Massachusetts seeking to ensure that their descendants would never know the sick, shameful feeling of voting for Ted Kennedy.

New Hampshire's state tourism slogan is "Don't feel bad. We can't find us on a map, either".

While it was still just a colony, New Hampshire declared its independence from England 6 months before the the Declaration of Independence was signed - an embarrassing case of "premature emancipation".

Portsmouth, New Hampshire was the site of the signing of the treaty which officially ended the Russo-Japanese War in 1905, in which the Russians officially apologized for referring to the Japanese as "saki-swilling sushi-munchers".

New Hampshire's state motto is "We were really cool 230 years ago".

The first potato field in the US was planted in 1719, just outside of Londonderry, New Hampshire. No one planted the crop again for 50 years, when the Irishman-repelling scarecrow was finally developed.

Born in East Derry, New Hampshire, Alan B. Shepard Jr. was the first American to travel into space. After his historic feat, he spent 30 years in obscurity before finally turning up in an "Astronauts Gone Wild" video, performing lewd acts with moon rocks.

In 1833, the first free public library in the US was established in Peterborough, New Hampshire. The first book checked out was Nathaniel Limbaugh's "See, I Toldest Thou So".

New Hampshire instituted the first state lottery in 1963, which has been won every week for 43 years by Shirley Jackson.

The Cornish Hill Pottery Company of Wolfeboro, New Hampshire still makes their stoneware crafts in the traditional British fashion - glazed with the blood of the Irish.

In 1828, the first women's strike in the US took place when 400 mill girls walked out of the Dover Cotton Factory. They vowed not to return to work unless the sexual harrassment they were subjected to started including obnoxious foreplay.

The first alarm clock was invented in Concord, New Hampshire in 1787, and consisted of two tin cans, a piece of string, and a rooster.

Legendary orator Daniel Webster was born in Franklin, New Hampshire in 1782. It's said that his speeches were so persuasive that - were he alive today - he could talk John Kerry into taking a single position on an issue.

The first American coin was created by sculptor Augustus Saint-Gaudens of Cornish, New Hampshire. It had Washington's portrait on the front, and "America - F*** YEAH!" on the back.

President Franklin Pierce was born in Concord, New Hampshire. His only accomplishment in office was coining the phrase, "Can you smell what the Pierce is cookin'?"

The town of Merrimack, New Hampshire is home to the famous Clydesdales owned by the Anheuser-Busch Brewery. They require over 300 gallons of water per day to help them provide the secret ingredient that gives Budweiser its distinctive flavor.

The Budweiser frogs were also kept in Merrimac until they were dissected by the 8th grade Biology class.

New Hampshire's delegates were the first to vote for the Declaration of Independence on July 4th 1776, although due to a balloting error, several of them accidentally voted for Pat Buchanan.

New Hampshire has 10 counties, 13 municipalites, 221 towns, 22 unincoporated places, and one ring to rule them all.

Sarah Josepha Hale was born in 1830 in Newport New Hampshire, and was the author of the famous poem, "Mary Had a Little Lamb". She also penned the less-well-known follow-up poem, "Mary Had a Little Mint Jelly on the Side".

The state bird of New Hampshire is the Purple Finch, which - unlike some Finches - has no qualms about killing mockingbirds.

New Hampshire's state constitution was ratified in 1784, and is the second oldest one in the country. It's also the only one that specifically forbids fat chicks at nude beaches.

The Mount Washington Auto Road at Great Glenn, New Hampshire is the state's oldest man-made tourist attraction and annually draws more tourists than anything else in the state. Probably because it ends at a nude beach.

New Hampshire's legislature still meets in the original capitol building constructed in 1784. They expect to have the facilities upgraded about the same time that Microsoft upgrades Windows Solitaire.

Alexandria, New Hampshire, was the birthplace of Luther C. Ladd, the first man to lose his life in the Civil War, after uttering his famous last words "This pistol ain't loaded. Watch..."

The first motorized ascent of the Mount Washington Auto Road was by Freelan O. Stanley - inventor of the Staleny Steamer and nude beach afficianado.

Stonyfield Farm in Londonderry, New Hampshire, features a tour demostrating how yogurt is made. It also includes a free shower at the end so you can wash off that hippie smell.

New Hampshire did not officially adopt a state flag until 1909. Prior to that, they just had someone climb to the top of the flagpole and make cryptic gang-related hand-signals.

The granite profile "Old Man of the Mountain" - which collapsed in 2003 - was one of New Hampshire's most famous landmarks and appears on the New Hampshire state quarter. It was last visited by Luther C. Ladd IV, whose last words were "You're crazy! Nothing will happen if I throw a rock at that thing. Watch..."

---

That wraps up the New Hampshire edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be beaten up by burly Italian men in 3-piece suits as we scream promises to get them their money by this afternoon in New Jersey.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a drive down the Mount Washington Auto Road.

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Fun Facts About Nevada

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be making a brief stop at a drive-thru Elvis wedding chapel as we cruise through Nevada. So let's get started...

Nevada became the 36th state on October 31st, 1864, and immediately joined the Civil War on the side of the West - which favored slavery, but opposed letting little girls from Kansas kill witches for their shoes.

The state bird of Nevada is the Mountain Bluebird. Despite their small size, they are amazingly strong and frequently seen working as casino bouncers.

The winner of the Nevada Governor's race is determined by a contest to see who can drink the most martinis without groping a waitress.

Which may explain why Schwarzenegger ran in California.

The first slot machine was invented in Reno, Nevada in 1899 by Charles Fey, who got the idea after spending an hour feeding coins into a broken Coke machine.

"Bertha, the Performing Elephant" entertained for 37 years at the Nugget Casino in Sparks, Nevada, which at the time billed itself as "Home of the World's Largest Stripper Pole".

Pershing County, Nevada has the only round courthouse in the US. This allows criminals to be strapped to the giant, floor-mounted, "Wheel O' Justice".

Nevada formally legalized gambling in the state in 1931 as part of a broad strategy aimed at stopping the flood of illegal Amish immigrants sneaking across their borders.

The state motto of Nevada is "WOO-HOO! Legal Hookers!"

Native to Death Valley, Nevada, the Kangaroo Rat can go its entire life without ever drinking. They are nicknamed "Kennedy Rats" for the same reason fat guys are nicknamed "Slim".

Wyatt Earp started his career as a lawman as Sheriff of Tonopah, Nevada. He was most famous for his OK Corrall gunfight against Kirk, Spock, Scotty, & McCoy.

The Icthyosaur was chosen as Nevada's state fossil in 2004, narrowly defeating the second-place choice of Don Rickles.

The bells in Austin, Nevada's St. Augustine church tower are rung by pulling a rope located in the men's restrooms. Which is slightly less bizarre than the condom dispensers in the confessionals.

Nevada takes its name from a Spanish word meaning "Which one's Siegfried?".

Nevada's climate encompasses both burning deserts and frozen mountain tops, which is why Nevada's license plates say "Nevada - it's like living in fried ice cream!".

Shrouded in mystery just outside of Rachel, Nevada, is the government installation known as "Area 51". What happens there is so Top Secret that not even the New York Times knows what's going on.

Either that, or leaking it won't aid any terrorists, so they just don't care.

Elko, Nevada hosts the annual Cowboy Poetry Gathering. First prize is a trip for two to Brokeback Mountain with the second-place winner.

Eccentric millionaire Howard Hughes bought numerous casinos in Nevada before his death in 1976. Although these purchases were considered highly speculative at the time, they were still more sensible than investing in caves and black tights like that lunatic, Bruce Wayne.

Nevada's gold mines produced over 7 million ounces of gold last year. If it were all hammered into fine gold leaf, it would be enough to completely cover a room the size of Donald Trump's ego.

Nevada has some 50,000 miles of paved roads. None of which can get an acting job after appearing in "Lethal Weapon 4".

Located 30 miles southeast of Las Vegas, Nevada, the Hoover Dam contains 3.25 billion cubic yards of concrete, and a couple of guys from Jersey who talked too much.

Nevada's State Highway 50 features a stretch of nearly 300 miles with no rest stops. While driving it, motorists are cautioned to ignore any signs offering "Free Bird Seed!" and to beware of falling coyotes.

Las Vegas, Nevada is home to an entire museum devoted to the life & times of Liberace. Who was NOT gay, despite the impression given by his noticable lisp, sequined fur-coats, and numerous sexual encounters with other men.

Camels were used as pack animals in Nevada until 1870, when they were finally freed from slavery by a smooth character named Joe.

Las Vegas, Nevada has more hotel rooms than any other city in the world, each containing a copy of the "Gideon's Bible - Texas Hold-'em Version".

The longest Morse Code telegram ever sent was the Nevada state consitution, sent from Carson City, Nevada, to Washington, D.C. in 1864. Inexplicably, it contained over 200 instances of the mysterious phrase, "Come onnnnnn, SEVEN!"

Andre Agassi was originally an Elvis impersonator in his home town of Las Vegas, Nevada, but moved on to professional tennis after realizing that he'd never be able to duplicate the King's fearsome backhand.

Construction worker hard hats were invented specifically for Hoover Dam workers in 1933, replacing the outdated protective measure of strapping an illegal Amish immigrant to your head.
---

That wraps up the Nevada edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be making that always-difficult choice between living free or dying as we take a look at New Hampshire.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've gotta go "ring St. Augustine's bells"... if ya know what I mean...

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Fun Facts About Nebraska

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to take a corn-tastic trip to Nebraska, so let's get started...

Nebraska became the 37th state on March 1st, 1867. It would've become a state during the Civil War, but it was fat and wore glasses, so neither side wanted it on their team.

The state flower of Nebraska is goldenrod, which should not be confused with any similarly-sounding James Bond or Austin Powers movies.

The powdered soft drink Kool-Aid was invented in Hastings, Nebraska, and was originally sold by travelling salesmen who would kick down people's doors and shout, "OH YEAH!!!"

The tradition of planting trees on Arbor Day started in Nebraska City, Nebraska as a cheap way of marking the numerous graves of Kool-Aid salesmen.

The state motto of Nebraska is "Corn, college football, and... um... more corn".

40% of the munitions used in WWII had to be manufactured at the Naval Ammunition Depot in Hastings, Nebraska, since the rest of the state was rooting for Hitler.

The world's largest indoor rainforest is the Lied Jungle in Omaha, Nebraska, but it's currently closed to tourists because Daryl Hannah keeps climbing the trees and flinging poo at people.

Nebraska's Ogala aquifer is the world's largest underground water supply. It's estimated to contain about 800 million gallons of water - about the same as Natalie Maines.

Nebraska is the only state in the US with a unicameral (one house) legislature, which is currently evenly divided between the Feed Corn and Sweet Corn Parties.

Nebraska was the first state to complete its segment of the nation's Interstate Highway system, due to its citizens near-insatiable hunger for something to do besides watch the corn grow, i.e. watching concrete solidify.

Nebraska's phenomenal corn production is due to a combination of modern irrigation techniques and good old-fashioned human sacrifice.

The 9-1-1 emergency phone system was first developed in Lincoln, Nebraska as a replacement for their old emergency communications system of having hobbits light signal fires to call the Riders of Rohan.

Nebraska's famous landmark "Chimney Rock" was recently sold to the Pfizer corporation and is now known as "Viagra Point".

Omaha, Nebraska is home to the world's largest coffee pot. While there, remember to tip the world's largest waitress.

Kearny, Nebraska is located exactly halfway between Boston and San Francisco. This does NOT make it homophobic. Don't be so sensitive.

Marlon Brando's mother gave Henry Fonda acting lessons at the Omaha Community Playhouse. Unfortunately, she neglected to give him lessons on raising kids not to be commie-loving traitors.

The world's largest Wooly Mammoth specimen was found in Lincoln County, Nebraska. If its skin were stretched to its full size, it would cover enough area to make a thong for Michael Moore.

The Mutual of Omaha Insurance Company's corporate office has 7 full floors of underground offices, in one of which the Architect awaits Neo.

The Nebraska Cornhuskers college football team made a NCAA record 35 consecutive bowl appearances. 36, if you count the "Still Looking For A Corporate Sponsor - [Your Name Here] Bowl".

The world's first college course about Rush Limbaugh is taught at Nebraska's Bellvue University. Topics include "Barking Moonbats - When To Hang Up" and "Things Not To Take On A Plane".

Nebraska gets its name from the Oto Indian word "nee-ba-sah", meaning "Are you SURE we're not still in Iowa?".

The world's largest porch swing is located in Hebron, Nebraska. It can seat 25 adults, or Michael Moore in a Wooly Mammoth thong.

The Fur Trading Museum is located near Blair, Nebraska. Just take Highway 75 north from Omaha, then follow the wet pelt smell.

The University of Nebraska - Lincoln campus boasts America's largest weight room. It covers 3/4 of an acre and is currently celebrating its second full day of being steroid-free.

Oops... Nevermind...

Nebraska's 1986 Governor's race was the first in the nation to feature two women running against each other. Sadly, the final vote tally was not close enough to trigger the Jello-wrestling tie-breaker.

Buffalo Bill held his first rodeo in North Platte, Nebraska, which - contrary to popular rumor - was NOT catered by Hannibal Lecter.

Father Edward Flanagan founded Boys Town in Omaha, Nebraska, in 1917. To this day, it remains one of the few places in America not infected with girl-cooties.

Dancer Fred Astaire was born in Omaha, Nebraska, although he had to leave the city after Ginger Rogers gave him cooties.

Gerald Ford was born in Omaha, Nebraska, and was the only US President to hold the office without having been elected to it - blatherings by Gore and Kerry to the contrary notwithstanding.

---

That wraps up the Nebraska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week it's all about the drinkin', gamblin', and whorin', because we're off to Nevada.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch some concrete solidify... WOO-HOO!!!

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Fun Facts About Montana

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be finding out what it's like to live 200 miles from your nearest neighbor as we visit Montana, so let's get started...

Montana became the 41st state on November 8th, 1889. It was originally settled by a herd of moose who eventually lost the territory to white settlers in a poker game.

Seems that moose always twitch their antlers when they're bluffing.

The first large-scale vigilante force was formed to police the lawless Montana Territory in 1884. That year, 35 head of cattle were executed for rustling themselves.

Montana's nickname is "The Nervous Sheep State".

It was legal to drink while driving in Montana until October 1, 2005, when the Kennedy Prevention Act was finally passed.

The Bitterroot is the state flower of Montana. The root is so bitter that eating it is actually forbidden by law, lest the person eating it turn into a Democrat.

After years of Montana having no speed limit on its highways, it was finally set at 65mph in 1999, effectively killing the state's antelope drag-racing industry.

In Butte, Montana, it's legal to shoot anyone who deliberately mispronounces the city's name and giggles.

Montana is believed to have the largest grizzly bear population in the US, although the number may include some of the local women who were counted by mistake.

The state song of Montana is "What's That Bear Doing In The Woods?"

Montana gets its name from the Spanish word for "moose chalupa".

The state tree of Montana is the Ponderosa Pine, which has a much better salad bar than the Bonanza Pine.

The state bird of Montana is the Meadowlark, which terroizes the skies above the state's human residents much as their prehistoric pteradactyl ancestors did.

The Montana Yogo Sapphire is the only North American gem included in the Crown Jewels of England, except for the Texas Yee Haw Diamond.

In 1888, Helena, Montana, had more millionaires per capita than any other city in the world. In 1889, God sent a plague of elk to devour them all for their sinful ways.

The population density of Montana is 6 people per square mile. About the same as a Dixie Chicks concert.

The first bobsled track in North America was built at Lolo Pass, Montana in 1965 in the hopes that it would enable the American Olympic team to finally defeat those feisty Jamaicans.

Combination, Comet, Keystone, and Pony are some of the quaintly-named Montana ghost towns from which the Brady Bunch have successfully escaped.

Virginia City, Montana was founded in 1863 and has remained completely unchanged for the last 100 years, much like the Democratic Party.

The highest point in Montana is Granite Peak, which stands 12,799 feet tall, give or take a mountain goat.

The world's largest glacier is in Montana's Glacier National Park, where it has been carefully preserved inside the world's largest glass of Scotch.

Glacier National Park also boasts the world's most elaborate security system, which was specifically designed to keep Ted Kennedy out.

The mountains of Montana have yielded a treasure trove of prehistoric artifacts over the years, including dinosaur eggs, and a speech by Howard Dean from his sane period.

The Battle of Little Bighorn National Monument is located just south of Billings, Montana, and marks the spot where General Custer and his men were slaughtered by Plains Indians for not tipping their waitresses at the casino.

The "Going to the Sun Road" in Glacier Park, Montana, is considered one of the most scenic drives in America, second only to New Jersey's "Toxic Waste Trail".

The state motto of Montana is "Oro y Plata" - meaning "gold and silver" - which was selected in 1890 by then-governor Yukon Cornelius.

In Montana, the elk, deer, and antelope populations outnumber the humans, but they are not allowed to vote because of Apartheid.

To this day, Nelson Mandelka remains a political prisoner in Billings.

The Roe River near Great Falls, Montana, is the world's shortest river. At 58 feet, it's 10 feet shorter than the drool-trail left typically left by Michael Moore while entering a McDonald's.

Motorcyle daredevil Evel Knievel was born in Butte, Montana. Despite his many legendary stunts, he never did manage to make it across Springfield Gorge on his skateboard.

---

That wraps up the Montana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll likely be murdered by feral Corn-Children as we visit Nebraska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm off to get a Moose Chalupa.

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Fun Facts About Missouri

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time throw empty Bud cans at those pathetic Royals, because we're headed to Missouri, so let's get started...

Missouri became the 24th state on August 10th, 1821. It was originally admitted to the Union as a "slave" state, but eventually exchanged slavery for the slightly-less-evil institution of Country music.

The state bird of Missouri is the Bluebird, which - unlike its cousin, the Swallow - CAN fly while grasping a coconut by the husk.

Missouri has the second best educational system in the U.S. It WOULD be first, but for the fact that they fail to teach their kids that there's no "r" in "wash".

Missouri was named after the Missouri indian tribe, whose name means "seriously, there's no 'ah' at the end... idiots..."

Missouri's nickname is "The Pronouncing Invisible Letters State".

The state flag of Missouri originally only featured two bears on it. A third, smaller bear was later added to make the flag "juuuuuust right".

Missouri's license plates contain the motto "Show Me". They should not be confused with Louisiana's license plates, which say "Show Me Your Boobs".

Baseball coach Yogi Berra was born in St. Louis, Missouri, and is famous for his quaint, mixed-metaphor sayings, like "It ain't over till the clip's empty".

The state insect of Missouri is the honeybee, which is usually served deep-fried and sprinkled on waffles.

The crinoid became Missouri's state fossil after a group of students at Lee's Summit high school conducted an experiment to see how much is costs to bribe a state legislature.

Ten thousand dollars, a case of whiskey, and a dozen hookers, if you're curious.

The capitol building in Jefferson City, Missouri burned to the ground in 1911 after being struck by lightning during an attempt to make a DeLorean travel through time.

Kansas City, Missouri, has more miles of boulevards than Paris, but fewer German armies have marched down them.

The Gateway Arch is located in St. Louis, Missouri, and was originally the symbol for the now-defunct NcDonald's restaurant chain.

Aunt Jemima Pancake Flour was invented in St. Joseph, Missouri, and was the first commercially successful self-rising flour. It was followed by the less-well-received "Uncle Tom Cake Mix" and "Jungle Bunny Pie Crust".

Springfield, Missouri, was founded by a group of tourists who got lost on the way to Branson.

Carthage, Missouri, is home to the Precious Moments Chapel, a museum filled with adorable porcelain bisque figurines of big-eyed children, featuring such titles as "Mommy's Been Drinking Again" and "Please, Daddy, Not The Belt!"

Weldon Springs, Missouri, is the site of the Nuclear Waste Adventure Trail and Museum. While there, be sure to try the Paint Chip Nachos.

The "Elvis is Alive Museum" can be found in Wright City, Missouri. It's conveniently located between the "Al Gore Won" and "Michael Moore Would Recognize Truth If It Jumped Up And Bit Him In the Ass" Museums.

Black inventor George Washington Carver was born in Diamond Grove, Missouri, and is proof that black people used to be able to become famous for something other than sports and political activism.

President Harry S Truman was born in Lamar, Missouri. The "S" stands for "so let's nuke the Japs".

Rush Limbaugh was born in Cape Girardeau, Missouri, where he got his start in radio by beating up liberal talk show hosts and stealing their lunch money.

Author Mark Twain was born in Florida, Missouri, where the rumors of his death are no longer greatly exaggerated.

Outlaw Jesse James was born in Centerville, Missouri, and was known as "the most dangerous man in America". At least until Rush Limbaugh got his first radio job.

Iced tea was invented at the St. Louis World's Fair in 1904 as a method of frightening away the stuffy and annoying British tourists.

Seriously... what's the point of hot tea, anyway? It's like drinking boiled Kool-Aid.

The ice cream cone was also invented at the 1904 World's Fair, after an ice cream vendor discovered that all of his paper cups had been destroyed by a mysterious virus.

Probably of British origin.

Anheuser-Busch of St. Louis, Missouri, is the world's largest brewery. In 1872, they patented their secret formula for "Alco-swill", which was later re-named "Budweiser" for marketing reasons.

Robert Wadlow - who was the world's tallest man at 8 feet 11 inches - was born in St. Louis, Missouri. His "Where's Wadlow" line of children's books was a dismal failure.

"Wild Kingdom" host Marlin Perkins was born in Carthage, Missouri. He gained fame documenting his travels around the world as he searched for new and exotic toppings for Imo's Pizza.

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That wraps up the Missouri edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be redlining down 7,000 miles of copless interstates as we tour Montana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go grab me a can of Alco-swill.

Hey... it's after 5pm somewhere...

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Fun Facts About Mississippi

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time get stinkin' drunk, float down the Big Muddy, and wash up on a sandbar with a hangover, because we're headed to Mississippi, so let's get started...

Mississippi became the 20th state on December 10th 1817. Although the new state's entry faced violent opposition, it managed to get admitted to the Union since people with lisps did not yet have the right to vote.

Mississippi has 82 counties, all of which have at least one town named "Bubbaville".

The state flag of Mississippi is best described as a combination of the Confederate and French flags. Don't count on them to win any wars for you.

Talk show host Oprah Winfrey was born in Kosciusko, Mississippi. The world's largest couch was built there in her honor, just in case Tom Cruise stops by.

Chitlins were first served in Shuqulah, Mississippi, which - I assume - is home to a disproportionate population of the hopelessly insane.

Mississippi gets its name from the Chippewa Indian word "mici-zibi", which means "River's flooding again... WHY do these stupid white people keep rebuilding here?"

Mississippi has a population of 3 million people and 6 million teeth.

Singer Elvis Presley was born in Tupelo, Mississippi. Does anyone else find it ironic that he once had a hit song about shoes?

In a fight between Aquaman & someone from Mississippi, the Mississippian would lose, but he'd write a great blues song about the fight that would make millions.

Most people from Mississippi have several Confederate flag sticker on their cars. This doesn't make them racist, it just means that they're too poor to afford enough duct tape to hold their cars together.

If you're in Mississippi and someone tries to mug you, just yell, "Look! Snow!". The mugger will become paralyzed with confusion and you can make your escape.

Although Mississippi is frequently the 50th ranked state in quality of education, it IS ranked #1 in the category of "boosting self-esteem for students in the other 49 states".

The world's largest Bible-binding plant is in Greenwood, Mississippi, and uses only genuine atheist-skin leather.

...And people wonder why I've never been to Mississippi...

The Stetson hat was invented in Dunn's Falls, Mississippi, which is constantly being attacked by Texas Crusaders seeking to recapture their holy city.

Football player Walter "Sweetness" Payton was born in Columbia, Mississippi, and was the first athlete to appear simultaneously on boxes of "Wheaties", "Gritties", and "Chitlinies" cereals.

Petal, Mississippi is home to the International Checkers Hall of Fame. Requirements for induction include winning a tournament on a 5-jump, double-king combo move, and appearing on a "Chitlinies" box.

The Vicksburg National Cemetary is the largest national cemetary in America. Some people say that the Arlington National Cemetary is larger, but it's stuffed with all them damn Yankees, so it doesn't really count.

Legendary Football quarterback Brett Favre was born in Kiln, Mississippi. He's reputed to be able to throw a football hard enough to break a receiver's fingers, but he only does that if the guy's late with his protection money payment.

Singer Jimmy Buffett was born in Pascagoula, Mississippi, but was banished after all the town's salt-shakers mysteriously disappeared.

It was his own damn fault.

Mississippi is the only state in America that doesn't offer personalized license plates. The state's DMV figures it's not worth it, since no one can read those big ol' 6-letter words, anyway.

The fried peanut butter and banana sandwich was invented in Tupelo, Mississippi by Elvis Presley in 1945. He never patented his invention, and died in bankrupt obscurity in 1977.

It is NOT true that the Governor of Mississippi is chosen as a result of being the victor in a greased-pig-catching contest. They don't actually grease the pig.

Actor James Earl Jones was born in Arkabutla, Mississippi, but soon moved to Coruscant to complete his Sith training.

Mississippi has the lowest percentage of high school graduates in America, since the graduation exam requires students to spell the state's name without using the words "crooked-letter" or "humpback".

During a hunting expedition to Mississippi in 1902, President Teddy Roosevelt refused to shoot a captured bear. This act resulted in the creation of the world-famous stuffed animal, the "Stupid Yankee Bear".

In 1807, Aaron Burr was arraigned for treason in Washington, Mississippi, beneath the Burr Oaks. Optimists in the city have since planted a grove of Jane Fonda Oaks, just in case.

---

That wraps up the Mississippi edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll get tricked into whitewashing fences by Tom Sawyer when we visit Missouri.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go pour me a big ol' bowl of Chitlinies for breakfast.

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Fun Facts About Minnesota

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to grab your big blue ox and start lumberjacking your way through Bunyan country because we're going to Minnesota, so let's get started...

Minnesota became the 32nd state on May 11th, 1858 and was originally settled by a lost tribe of Norwegians seeking refuge from the searing heat of Wisconsin's winters.

The state flag of Minnesota consists of a blue background upon which sits a design best described as "how a 7-year-old city girl would draw a picture titled 'Life on the Farm'".

Minnesota gets it's name from the Sioux Indian word "Mah-nee-soo-tah", meaning "No, really, they eat fish soaked in lye".

The state song of Minnesota is "Someday the Vikings Will... Aw, Nevermind"

The Mall of America in Bloomington, Minnesota covers 9.5 million square feet and has enough space to hold 185,000 idiot teenagers yapping away on cell phones.

Madison, Minnesota is known as "The Lutefisk Capital of the World". Avoid this city at all costs.

"The Mary Tyler Moore Show" was set in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was Mary's first real acting job since leaving the "Dick Van Dyke Show". The show - about a single woman's struggle to find happiness in the big city - was originally titled "Life Without Dick", but that was changed for some reason.

The state motto of Minnesota is, "Where even a man who wears a feather boa can grow up to be Governor."

Downtown Minneapolis has an enclosed skyway system covering 52 blocks, allowing people to live, work, eat, and sleep without ever going outside. The only downside to this is that an Eloi occasionally turns up missing.

Cartoonist Charles M. Shultz was born in Minneapolis, Minnesota, and was the only artist to accurately depict the perfectly circular heads of Minnesota natives.

The Hormel company of Austin, Minnesota produces 6 million cans of spam a year, even though no one actually eats that crap.

The first water skis were invented in Lake City, Minnesota by Ralph Samuelson in 1922. Sadly, he drowned shortly afterwards, as the motorboat hadn't been invented yet.

St. Paul, Minnesota was originally named "Pig's Eye", after French Canadian whiskey trader Pierre "Pig's Eye" Parrant. Its "twin city", Minneapolis, was known as "Pig's Colon".

The stapler was invented in Swingline, Minnesota by a chubby, mumbling man named Milton in 1999. The city was mysteriously destroyed by fire later that year.

Pelican Rapids is home to a 16-foot-tall concrete pelican, which subsists on a diet of 4-foot-long concrete fish.

In 1973, Olivia, Minnesota erected a 25-foot tall fiberglass corn cob to celebrate its rich, agricultural heritage. In 1974, it was eaten by a 50-foot statue of Babe the Blue Ox.

Yeah, Minnesota has a LOT of problems with statue cannibalism.

Minnesota licensce plates are blue & white and contain the phrase "Blizzards on Independence Day - You Get Used To It."

Frank C. Mars, founder of the Mars Candy Co. was born in Newport, Minnesota. His 3 Musketeers candy bar originally contained three bars in one wrapper, each filled with a different flavor nougat - chocolate, spam, and lutefisk.

The first fully automatic pop-up toaster was invented in Minneapolis, Minnesota in 1926, Minnesota's stringent bread-control laws currently only allow residents to own semi-automatic toasters.

Tonka Trucks continue to be manufactured in Minnetonka, Minnesota, despite the thousands of GI Joe dolls killed by them annually in rollover accidents.

No airbags, no seatbelts... these things are DEATHTRAPS, I tell ya!

Author Laura Ingalls Wilder was born in Walnut Creek, Minnesota, and was famous for writing the "Little House" series of books, as well as inventing the "Spam Diet" - which consists of looking at a plate of Spam until you lose your appetite.

Much like the "Lutefisk Diet".

The snowmobile was invented in Roseau, Minnesota so as to allow families a means of attending Independence Day picnics.

Contrary to popular myth, you can NOT buy a 1-ounce can of Coke in Minnesota.

Singer Judy Garland was born in Grand Rapids, Minnesota. All gay men are required by their religion to make a pilgrimmage there at least once in their lifetimes.

Hookers in Minnesota are easy to spot. They're the ones wearing crotchless parkas.

Minnesotans are almost indistinguishable from Wisconsinites. The only way to tell them apart is to ask if they voted for Mondale in '84.

...That wraps up the Minnesota edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be wearing my "s" & "i" keys down to nubs as I type about Mississippi.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go take a closer look at that chick's parka.

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Fun Facts About Michigan

The IMAO Podcast is still on hiatus, but I have an irresistable urge to finish up the rest of the states in the Fun Facts About The 50 States series, so I'm going to forge ahead - hopefully on a weekly schedule.

Should the podcast return, this is the list from which I'll pick & choose my favorite items to record.

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting - yet completely useless, and probably untrue - information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to use your hand for a map, because we're headed off to Michigan, so let's get started...

Michigan became the 26th state on January 26th, 1837, and was originally a penal colony for disloyal Canadians who refused to say "eh?" at the end of every sentence.

If someone from Michigan flips you off, don't be offended. He's probably just trying to tell you to take I-75 to Mackinaw City.

Famous singer Madonna was born in Detriot, Michigan, which may explain why her bras looked like the hubcaps from a '57 Chevy.

Michingan's nickname is the "Wolverine State", even though there are no longer any wolverines in the state. The last Michigan wolverine died in 1872 when it was eaten by a badger while attempting to sneak across the border into Wisconsin.

Rogers City, Michigan boasts the world's largest limestone quarry, which is where Fred Flintstone used to work before he made it big in Hollywood.

Yes, I know Fred Flintstone lived in Bedrock, but he commuted.

Being surrounded by four of the five Great Lakes, Michigan has more bridges than any other state, most of which Ted Kennedy has driven off of at one time or another.

The Detroit Zoo does not keep its animals in cages, because they all know better than to wander the streets of Detroit after dark.

Industrialist Henry Ford was born in Dearborn, Michigan, and invented the assembly line to streamline the process of killing union agitators.

The world's largest crucifix is located in Indian River, Michigan. Requests from the National Endowment for the Arts to dip it in the world's largest jar of urine have so far been ignored.

The Ambassador Bridge connecting Michigan to Canada was built in 1953 and has since been heavily mined to prevent more talentless, hack actors like William Shatner from sneaking into our country.

No matter where you stand in Michigan, you're less than 100 miles from one of the Great Lakes. If you're in Detroit, you're also less than 100 feet from the scene of a violent crime.

Politician Thomas Dewey was born in Owosso, Michigan, and mentored Al Gore in how to lose a close election.

Most snowblowers sold in Michigan are manufactured in Detroit and come with 10-year/100,000 mile warranties.

They usually expire due to mileage.

The state flag of Michigan consists of a dark blue background over which is a lighter blue shield and the motto, "Cold like Wisconsin, but more recognizably hand-shaped".

The name Michigan comes from the Chippewa Indian word "Mishigawa", meaning "half my pocket change is Canadian, eh?"

Rock & Roll legend Ted Nugent was born in Detroit, Michigan, but left the state in 1982 after he ran out of animals to kill there.

Although the Western shore of Michigan has many large sand dunes, it has no camels as they were hunted to extinction by Ted Nugent in 1981.

James Vernor invented Ginger Ale in his Detroit pharmacy. It's one of the most popular drinks in the nation, except in Kansas, where it's regularly outsold by Mary Ann Ale.

Michigan is the only place in the world with a floating post office, which is frequently attacked by disgruntled former employees "going pirate".

Aviator Charles Lindbergh was born in Detroit Michigan. His solo flight across the Atlantic in 1927 was the first recorded instance of an American being glad to arrive in France.

Michigan has more than 11,000 lakes, all of which have - at one time or another - hidden Jimmy Hoffa.

In the 1950's & 60's, the prevalence of Detroit black singing groups created the style of music known as "Motown". Since the advent of rap, it's been called "Mofotown".

In 1929, The Michigan State Police established the world's first police radio system after inventing the chocolate glazed radio receiver.

The state reptile of Michigan is the Painted Turtle, or - as the natives refer to it - the Crunchy Speed Bump.

---

That wraps up the Michigan edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll STILL be frighteningly vulnerable to Canadian moose attacks as we explore Minnesota.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go jam out to some funky Mofotown grooves.

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Fun Facts About Massachusetts - The Director's Cut

Although the podcast is still on hiatus, I just realized that I never posted the uncut Fun Facts About Massachusetts, therefore...

The version on the IMAO podcast (March 9th "Friends Don't Let Friends Shoot Friends in the Face") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below:

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to go drunk driving with the Kennedys in Massachusetts, so let's get started...

Massachusetts became the 6th state on February 6th 1788, thereby stripping Pennsylvania of its coveted "hardest state name to spell correctly" title.

The state flag of Massachusetts consists of a white field emblazoned with a fat senator waving a gin bottle while driving off a bridge.

The state motto of Massachusetts is "The Yankees Suck!"

The state flower of Massachusetts is the gin blossom, which makes Ted Kennedy's face a protected state wilderness area.

The highest point in Massachusetts is Mt. Greylock at 3500 feet. It was recently re-named "Mt. Whitelock" after it successfully defeated a Balrog.

Massachusetts was nicknamed the Bay State because its large native population of werewolves spend a lot of time howling at the moon.

The word Massachusetts is a Narraganset Indian word meaning "Tribal elders say ok. Squaw can marry squaw".

Massachusetts has a population of 6 million people, all of whom have a harder time pronouncing the letter "R" than a busload of Japanese tourists.

The state song of Massachusetts is "The Theme From Brokeback Mountain".

Actor Jack Albertson was born in Malden, Massachusetts, and was best known for playing Grandpa Joe in the original version of "Teddy and the Whiskey Factory".

Salem, Massachusetts was the site of the infamous witch trials of 1692, where over 50 women were burned at the stake for weighing the same as a duck.

The first subway system was built in Boston, Massachusetts, in 1897. The subway cars were originally propelled by lashing an Irishman to the front and dangling a potato in front of him.

The town of Franklin, Massachusetts was NOT named in honor of Benjamin Franklin, as most people think, but rather for the token black kid in the Charlie Brown Thanksgiving Special.

The city of Rockport, Massachusetts contains a house that's built entirely out of old newspapers. Visitors are requested not to jump to any hasty conclusions regarding why the toilet is made out of the New York Times.

The birth control pill was invented in Worcester, Massachusetts, and proved to be even more effective at preventing conception than attending a Star Trek Convention dressed as a Klingon.

Boston, Massachusetts takes its name from an Irish word meaning "crime-ridden cesspool".

The first Thanksgiving was celebrated in 1621 after the sword Excalibur was pulled from Plymouth Rock by Arthur, King of the Pilgrims.

Why, yes, I *was* watching "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" while reseaching these fun facts.

All the Founding Fathers threw tea into Boston Harbor during the Boston Tea Party on December 16th, 1773, except for John Hancock, who was busy writing his name in the snow in letters large enough for King George to read without his glasses.

Massachusetts was originally settled by the cast of the British TV show, "Survivor: Plymouth".

Massachusetts is currently engulfed in a brutal civil war between Dunkin Donuts and Krispy Kreme over which is the "One True Donut".

The Massachusetts tourism slogan is, "Man, woman, goat - whatever - if you can fit it into a wedding dress, you can marry it here."

On this day in 1985, Ted Kennedy successfully drove over a brige without killing anyone.

Well, technically he ran over a homeless guy, but that doesn't really count.

Soldiers from Massachusetts are the most feared of all American fighting men, since - being true Patriots - they always defeat their enemies with a last-second field goal.

Well, that wraps up the Massachusetts edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be taking a swing through the land of new cars and breakfast cereals as I visit Michigan.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to finish getting this goat into a wedding dress.

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Fun Facts About Maryland - The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (Feb 13th "It's About Something, We Think") was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to take a wrong turn at the Washington Monument and accidentally wind up in Maryland, so let's get started...

Maryland became the 7th state on April 28th, 1788 after it finally agreed to stop trying to invade Delaware to steal its oil.

The state bird of Maryland is the Oriole, which should NOT be confused with any similarly-named, chocolate-flavored, creme-filled sandwich cookies.

The state flag of Maryland is best described as, "a Picasso painting of a checkerboard as interpreted by Andy Warhol while very drunk and standing on one leg."

The state flower of Maryland is the Black-Eyed Susan, or - as it's referred to by feminists - the "Justifiable Homicide Plant".

The highest point in Maryland is Backbone Mountain. It's 3360 feet tall, and has never been climbed by a Frenchman.

The state motto of Maryland is, "Yup, pretty much just a suburb of DC".

Maryland's nickname of "The Old Line State" is somewhat of a misnomer, since most of its residents prefer to freebase their cocaine.

Maryland was named after Henrietta Maria, wife of King Charles I of England. They WERE going to call is "Henriettaland", but decided that sounded too much like some kind of pussycat-puppet-related theme park.

The lowest point in Maryland is Bloody Point Hole, at 174 feet below sea level. It used to be deeper, but Karl Rove's been using it a lot lately to dispose of "stifled dissenters", if you know what I mean.

Presidential assassin John Wilkes Booth was born in Bel Air, Maryland in 1838. Because of his high-profile crime, all US theaters now have "Marylander detectors" at each entrance as a security precaution.

Famous abolitionist Frederick Douglass was born in Tuckahoe, Maryland, which - and I can't emphasize this enough - starts with the letter "T", so really watch that left index finger while you're typing.

Another famous abolitionist - Harriet Tubman - was born in Dorchester County, Maryland and freed over 300 slaves during 20 trips between Maryland and Pennsylvania. Today, many black people honor her heroic journies by running up and down a wooden court for an hour, symbolically helping basketballs escape slavery by throwing them through "freedom hoops".

Gaithersburg, Maryland is home to the National Institute of Standards and Technology. It employs over 3000 pimply-faced geek-boys, none of whom have yet kissed a real girl.

National Anthem author Francis Scott Key was born in Frederick, Maryland, where he spent his formative years blowing stuff up and writing poetry about the explosions.

Baseball Hall-of-Famer Babe Ruth grew up in Baltimore, Maryland, and developed his legendary slugging prowess by working as a knee-cap breaker for local loan sharks.

The United States Naval Academy was founded on October 10, 1845 at Annapolis, Maryland. Coincidentally, the United States Hooker Academy was founded across the street the next day.

The first cathedral in the US was built in Baltimore, Maryland in 1821, mostly to clear the streets of the numerous drunken Irishmen passed out in the gutters.

Annapolis, Maryland once served as the capital of the US, but the Congressional building was eventually moved to Washington, D.C. to make room for the United States Hooker Academy.

The first dental school in the US opened at the University of Maryland in 1840. The early facilities were quite primitive, and the first class taught there was a course in how to make a set of dentures out of duct tape and roofing nails.

The Concord Point lighthouse is the oldest continuously operated lighthouse in Maryland, because no one in the state is smart enough to figure out how to operate the light switch.

Maryland was originally populated by confused colonists from Virginia who wandered too far north and got stuck in snowbanks.

Kind of explains the light switch thing, doesn't it?

The highest waterfall in Maryland is Muddy Creek Falls. At 63 feet tall, it's actually large enough for Michael Moore to fit underneath it, unless he's laying on his back.

In 1790 Maryland rounded up all the lawyers in the state and threw them into a fetid swamp near the southern border of the state, now known as Washington, D.C.

The first successful manned hot air balloon launch occurred in Baltimore, Maryland in 1784. The pilot - Edward Warren - reportedly described his trip as "a great way to peek down the front of women's dresses."

The state song of Maryland is "Maybe We Should've Killed Those Lawyers Before We Threw Them In That Swamp".

Well, that wraps up the Maryland edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be swerving off a bridge with Ted Kennedy as I visit Massachusetts.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm going to go take a hot air balloon ride.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT MAINE - THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#19 - November 14th) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to buy grossly overpriced lobster-shaped souveniers, because we're headed up to Maine, so let's get started...

Maine became the 23rd state on March 15th, 1820 and also became the only state with a one-syllable name after they shortening it from "Mainingtonia".

The state bird of Maine is the chickadee, and NOT the much more common Cracker-Barrel Buzzard or Bald Coot.

The state flag of Maine consists of a blue background behind an image of a moose sleeping under a tree, which symbolizes the state's large population of lazy Canadians.

Maine is one of America's largest producers of leather products, most of which are exported to San Francisco during Gay Pride Week.

The state flower of Maine is the pine cone. Although most people wouldn't be dumb enough to confuse a pine cone with a flower, keep in mind that some people actually consider Dan Rather to be a journalist, too.

The state motto of Maine is, "Fleecing tourists is fun!"

90% of America's toothpick supply is produced in Maine, and I'll be those idiots probably think THOSE are flowers, too.

The state song of Maine is "Rock Lobster", by the B52's.

The state tree of Maine is the white pine... which obviously means they're racist.

The top prize in Maine's state lottery is having Stephen King personally bury your dismembered corpse in his back yard.

Eastport, Maine is the easternmost city in the US, and therefore the best place from which to launch a nuclear strike against France.

Not that... you know... America is actually PLANNING anything like that...

Hey... I'm just saying we should keep our options OPEN, people!

Maine is the only state in the US that shares a border with only one other state. It's nothing personal, it's just that a LOT of dead lobsters wash up on the beach, and no one wants to be next to a state that smells like Roseanne Barr's underwear.

Every year, 4 million lobsters are caught off the coast of Maine - most of them on their way to Canada to buy cheap prescription drugs.

Maine produces 99% of America's blueberries, which is why most blueberries can't pronounce the word "car" correctly.

Maine was originally settled by Canadians who were searching for the religious freedom to worship their pagan moose-god, Bullwinkle.

Freeport Maine is home to the LL Bean Company, purveyors of fine outdoor clothing. This may explain why Maine's license plates are made out of plaid flannel.

Although Maine has many old lighthouses, they are rarely lit these days except by brave Hobbits attempting to signal the armies of Rohan.

The first naval battle of the Revolutionary War was fought off the coast of Maine in 1775. It was technically a draw, since both the American and British crews were devoured by giant radioactive lobsters.

The state insect of Maine is the honeybee, and most farmers who raise them still milk them by hand while sitting on a tiny stool.

Most small towns in Main still govern themselves through the use of "Town Hall Meetings", which consist of a series of boring speeches, followed by a picnic and ritual cannibalism on the Town Commons.

All new mothers in Maine face the difficult choice of whether to bottle feed their babies or give them their clam chowder straight from the breast.

A great deal of Maine consists of marshy swampland. Sorta like Florida, except that in Maine, all the gators were eaten by giant radioactive lobsters.

If you go to a bar in Maine, you'll be tempted to try the "Moose Meat Margarita". Resist.

Well, that wraps up the Maine edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be desperately wondering if there's ANYTHING funny to say about Maryland.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go out and milk the honeybees.

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Fun Facts About Louisiana: The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (#18 - October 31) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, lift your shirt and earn some shiny beads - we're headed to Louisiana. So... let's get started...

Louisiana became the 18th state on April 30th 1812, mostly to make President Madison's wife stop nagging him about "when are you going to get up off your butt and do something with all that land west of the Mississippi?"

Ya know, it wasn't Manifest Destiny that built this country, it was naggy wives.

The state bird of Louisiana is the brown pelican, whose enormous beak could, in theory, hold enough beer to get an Irishman drunk.

The state boat of Louisiana is Noah's Ark.

Louisiana is the source of most of America's seafood, and annnually produces more shrimp than a Wizard of Oz cast party.

The state motto of Louisiana is "Help! I can't swim!"

The state flower of Louisiana is the magnolia... although that may soon change to the water lily.

The highest point in Louisiana is Mt. Driskoll, at 535 feet, while the lowest point is [insert gurgling sound here].

Louisiana was named after the French King, Louis the 14th, and NOT after the French pronunciation of "lousy, ain't it?"

The official soil of Louisiana is silt.

Louisiana has the tallest state capitol building in the US. It's 450 feet tall, and is capable of holding nearly a week's supply of the Governor's bribe money.

The state song of Louisiana is Led Zeppelin's, "When the Levee Breaks".

The US acquired the Louisiana territory from France in 1803 in exchange for $15 million dollars in gold and a promise to stop referring to the French as "surrender monkeys".

HA! Stupid, gullible, surrender monkeys!

The state tree of Louisiana is whichever one Katrina didn't knock down. Probably an oak tree in Shreveport, or something.

Jazz Great Louis Armstrong was born in New Orleans, Louisiana. His famous song, "What a Wonderful World", describes his feelings about moving out of the state.

Rock & Roll legend Jerry Lee Lewis was born in Ferriday, Louisiana on September 29th, 1935. Although he DID at one point marry his 13-year-old cousin, he was NOT actually a degenerate pedophile - just Southern.

Baton Rouge, Louisiana hosted the Special Olympics in 1983, prompting accusations from Alabama that it was actually just a scheme to raise the state's standardized test scores.

Louisiana is famous for its many slow-moving rivers or "bayous". The word "bayou" is a Choctaw Indian word meaning "Frenchman's urinal".

The first governor of Louisiana chose the pelican as the state bird because it is such a devoted parent that it would tear at its own flesh to feed its young rather than let them starve. The governor was so impressed by this that he substituted "the rich" for "flesh", and thus was born the Louisiana tax system.

The state dog of Louisiana is the Water Spaniel.

St. Joseph Cemetary in Rayne, Louisiana is the only cemetary in the US where the graves have a north-south orientation. All other cemetaries are laid out in a pentagram pattern to facilitate raising the dead via unholy rituals.

The city of Kaplan, Louisiana is known as the Cajunest Place on Earth and is home to the famous Gumbo World theme park and resort.

The city of New Orleans was once a haven for pirates, which may explain why most of the post-Katrina looters had parrots & eye-patches.

The Old Town Hall Museum in Pineville, Louisiana is the only museum in the US devoted to municipal government. While there, don't miss the Graft & Corruption exhibit in the Huey P. Long Memorial Corruptitorium.

At the age of 13, all young males in Louisiana undergo a ceremonial rite of passage wherein they finally learn the horrifying truth - that Mardi Gras is NOT a national holiday.

They are NOT told, however, the horrifying truth that they are descended from the French, as this would completely destroy their fragile minds.

Whether you pronounce it "New Or-lins", "New Or-leenz", "New Or-le-ans", or even "Nawlins", SOMEONE in Louisiana will correct your pronunciation.

When they do, tell the annoying little SOB that he's descended from the French. THAT will shut him up.

Well, that wraps up the Louisiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be getting mugged by gangs of feral lobsters in Maine.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go *ahem* "use the bayou".

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FUN FACTS ABOUT KENTUCKY: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#17 - October 19) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to put the K in KFC, because we're headed out to Kentucky, so let's get started...

Kentucky became the 15th state on June 1, 1792, despite the fact that no one in the state can actually count that high.

The state sport of Kentucky is horse racing, mostly because you can't lose your license for "riding under the influence".

In Kentucky, spitting tobacco juice on someone is considered a friendly greeting, much like the "up yours!" of a New York cabbie.

Kentucky is one of America's leading coal-mining states. Coal miners are easily recognizable by their almost Frenchman-like layer of black filth.

The state flag of Kentucky consists of a blue background behind two pickups and a still.

While attending church services in Kentucky, remember that - traditionally - the collection plate is passed BEFORE the spittoon.

They get REALLY upset when you get that wrong.

The state reality TV show of Kentucky is the Jerry Springer show, or - as it's known locally - "Southern Survivor".

When visiting a Civil War battlefield in Kentucky, try not to laugh out loud if the guide mentions how "we purt' near won that battle".

The state flower of Kentucky is Goldenrod, which should not be confused with that crappy James Bond movie starring Pierce Brosnan.

The state motto of Kentucky is "United we stand, divided we fall, drunk we pass out."

This replaced the old motto of "4 million people, 15 last names".

There are no newspapers in Kentucky, as being literate is considered snooty.

Although Kentucky is bordered by seven different states, Kentuckians rarely shop across state lines, since most stores in other states have firm "no shoes, no teeth, no service" policies.

Kentucky's nickname is the Bluegrass state.

Yeah, we all know grass is GREEN, but if you try to tell THEM that, they'll think you're just being snooty.

Kentucky is the only state in the US where drivers routinely hit their brakes before running over banjo players.

The electric lightbulb was first demonstrated at the Southern Exposition in Louisville, Kentucky in 1883, but was dismissed by locals as just another passing fad, like horseless carriages and soap.

Kentucky's name comes from the Iroquois Indian word "Ken-tah-ten", which means, "wife... sister... what's the difference?"

The state song of Kentucky is the Hee Haw Theme.

Kentucky has a population of 4 million people, all of whom are nicknamed Bubba.

Except for the women, of course, who are nicknamed Bubba Mae.

Or Auntie Mom.

The state tree of Kentucky is whichever one the Governor drives into while drunk. This week it's the tulip poplar.

The Kentucky Derby is the oldest continuously-run horse race in America, and was the inspiration for such other races as the Kentucky Stetson and the Kentucky Yarmulke.

Heather French became the first Miss America from Kentucky in 1999. She beat out Miss Alabama by correctly answering the question, "What is a toothbrush used for?"

Colonel Harlan Sanders opened his first fried chicken restaurant in Corbin, Kentucky in 1952. It was hugely successful, unlike his earlier chain of Kentucky Fried Possum.

Both Abraham Lincoln and Confederate President Jefferson Davis were born in Kentucky. They attended the same school as John Wilkes Booth, who routinely beat them both up and stole their lunch money.

The song "Happy Birthday To You" was written by two sisters from Louisville, Kentucky in 1893, and was originally titled, "I'm Too Cheap to Buy You a Present".

The first enamel bathtub was made in Louisville, Kentucky in 1856 and was immediately destroyed by a mob of angry hillbillies.

The world's largest cave is in Kentucky's Mammoth Cave National Park. Its vast, dark, emptiness is frequently compared to a Hillary Clinton presidency.

Well, that wraps up the Kentucky edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be slogging through the bayous of Louisiana

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue my bathtub from angry hillbillies.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT KANSAS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#16 - Oct 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to follow the yellow brick road out to Kansas, so let's get started...

Kansas became the 34th state on January 29th, 1861 because America needed to meet its Affirmative Action quota for stolen Indian land.

Kansas was originally populated by people from Iowa who just couldn't handle that state's hectic, fast-paced lifestyle anymore.

The state bird of Kansas is the meadowlark, whose beautiful song failed to impress Simon during an American Idol audition.

The state flower of Kansas is the sunflower, the seeds of which are highly poisonous and can only be cured with high doses of steroids.

At least according to the Major League Baseball Player's Union.

Kansas lies along the eastern edge of Colorado, but sometimees sneaks across the border in the dead of night to steal the occasional mountain.

Kansas normally maintains a constant temperature of 72 degrees all year long, but sometimes impish tornadoes mess with the thermostat when no one's looking.

At just over 4000 feet, Mt. Sunflower is the highest point in Kansas.

And yeah, they stole it from Colorado. Dirty, thieving Kansasians!

The state flag of Kansas consists of a blue background behind a wicked witch and four flying monkeys.

Members of the Kansas Board of Education voted to outlaw the teaching of evolution in Kansas schools to avoid offending monkeys who were outraged at the suggestion that they evolved from hippies.

The state song of Kansas is "We're Not Too Crazy About Newton's Theory of Gravity, Either".

The state motto of Kansas is "Flat, boring, and full of wheaty goodness. We're like America's snack cracker!"

The word Kansas comes from a Sioux Indian word meaning "Probably not a good place to build a ski resort".

Cawker City, Kansas is home to the world's largest ball of twine. It contains over 300 miles of string and 73 slow kittens.

Kansas has a population of 2.6 million people, but surprisingly, NONE of them have ever seen "The Wizard of Oz", and they'll just stare at you blankly if you refer to someone's dog as Toto.

The state tree of Kansas is the cottonwood tree, which is used to make very splintery T-shirts.

The first female Mayor in the US was Susan Salter, elected in Argonia, Kansas in 1887. However, she was soon driven out of office due to a scandalous affair with her intern, Marvin Lewinsky

No relation to Monica, although, he WAS rumored to occasionally wear a blue dress.

The dial telephone was invented by Almon Stowger of El Dorado, Kansas and was a vast improvement over earlier models which required the user to make different animal noises for each digit.

The 34th President of the US - Dwight Eisenhower - was born in Abilene, Kansas. His portrait was removed from the dollar coin in 1979, but still remains on most Chuck E. Cheese game tokens.

In exchange for the relatively low income tax rate, citizens of Kansas are required to spend one week each year working in one of the state's wheat mines.

Kansas has the lowest suicide rate of any state in the US, mostly because there's nothing high enough to jump off of.

The state sport of Kansas is WheatBall, which is even less exciting than it sounds.

The state constitution of Kansas guarantees its citizens the right to keep and bear tornadoes.

Mostly as a defense against any flying monkeys that might their way over the rainbow from Oz.

Kansas has the largest population of wild grouse in the US. These birds are also known as "prairie chickens" or "meadow Frenchmen".

There are over 500 caves in Kansas. The fact that Bruce Wayne owns all of them does NOT prove that he's Batman.

Last year, Kansas grew 500 million bushels of wheat, which, if it were all made into bread, would be enough to feed Michael Moore lunch.

Well, that wraps up the Kansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be out shopping for moonshine in Kentucky.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go play a game of WheatBall... yay.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT IOWA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

(Since the new podcast is finally up, I guess it's safe to post the Fun Facts from the previous podcast.)

The version on the IMAO podcast (#15 - Sept 12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to fire up the ol' combine, because we're headed out to Iowa, so let's get started...

Iowa became the 29th state on December 28th, 1846, after Congress finally persuaded the state to change its name from "Corntopia".

The state flag of Iowa consists of three vertical stripes of blue, white, and red, much like the French flag. To prevent confusion, the white section of Iowa's flag contains the international symbol for "No Surrender Monkeys".

The state bird of Iowa is the goldfinch, which should not be confused with any criminal masterminds who tried to kill James Bond.

Iowa contains exactly 99 counties. The legendary "lost 100th county" is currently being sought by a ragtag band of spaceships fleeing from the evil Cylon Empire.

Geographically, Iowa is one of the flattest states in the US, but it IS considering getting implants so that South Dakota will FINALLY pay attention to it.

Iowa was nicknamed the "Hawkeye State" after the popular deep-fried delicacy served in most of the state's taverns.

The 31st president of the US - Herbert Hoover - was born in West Branch, Iowa. The Hoover Dam was named in his honor, since its construction was made possible by his invention of the concrete beaver.

The state song of Iowa is "Corn! Corn! Corn!", which consists entirely of people singing the word "corn" for 5 minutes, and was the inspiration for Monthy Python's "Spam" sketch.

The state tree of Iowa is the oak tree, because... well, they had to choose SOMETHING, and since corn doesn't grow on trees, they figured acorns were close enough.

Burlington, Iowa is home to Snake Alley, the crookedest street in America, which rates an impressive 9.5 on the Kofi Annan crookedness scale.

Strawberry Point, Iowa is home to the world's largest strawberry. It's 10 feet tall, weighs 500 pounds, and subsists on a diet of migrant farm workers.

The world's smallest city park is in Hiteman, Iowa, and consists of a single blade of grass growing through a crack in the sidewalk.

And yes, keeping it mowed IS a union job. How did you guess?

Iowa has more people of Norwegian extraction than it does black people, which is why pickled herring is sold at basketball games.

Or WOULD be, if Iowa had enough black people to put together an NBA team.

You know that team that the Harlem Globetrotters always beat in exhibition games? They're all from Iowa.

Crystal Lake, Iowa has a statue of the world's largest bullhead fish, which was finally caught in 1982 by a hockey-mask-wearing serial killer.

Kalona, Iowa is the largest Amish settlement west of the Mississippi. It was founded in 1858 by ultraconservative Amish who were sick of those Pennsylvania harlots shamelessly flaunting their naked wrists.

Cedar Rapids, Iowa is home to the world's largest breakfast cereal company - Quaker Oats - which also makes other funny-hat-wearing, religion-related cereals, like Islam Puffs, Jew Chex, and Pope-ee-o's.

In Scrabble, Iowa is worth 7 points, which, coincidentally, is the same number of points awarded for running down a pedestrian while playing Grand Theft Auto: Des Moines.

Dubuque, Iowa is frequently the site of violent turf wars between rival gangs of Hicks and Bumpkins.

Johnny Carson was born in Corning, Iowa in 1925. Had he been born 50 years later, his homely face and mediocre comedic talent would've prevented any career in the entertainment industry, except for maybe IMAO Podcaster.

Native Iowans are easily identifiable by their unique ability to actually locate Iowa on a map.

Iowa has a population of nearly 3 million people, all of whom will punch you right in the freakin' nose if you tell one more stupid corn joke.

The state vegetable of Iowa is corn, which [punching sound effect] OW! MY FREAKIN' NOSE!

Well, that wraps up the Iowa edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be stealing some ruby slippers & riding a cyclone to Kansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put some ice on my freakin' nose... ow...

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FUN FACTS ABOUT INDIANA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#14) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your racing gear because we're headed to Indiana, so let's get started...

Indiana became the 19th state on December 11th, 1816. It's residents are nicknamed "Hoosiers", which is a Chippewa Indian word meaning "What the hell does that word mean?"

The city of Gary, Indiana was named after Gary Coleman, and is populated entirely by black midgets.

Singer Michael Jackson was born in Gary, Indiana, but was eventually exiled from the city for being too tall and too white.

The state bird of Indiana is Larry

Natives of Indiana are the only people in the US who can say "French Lick" or "Ball State" without giggling.

Beaver City, however, makes EVERYONE snicker.

Actor James Dean was born in Marion, Indiana, but soon left the state, as all cool things do.

Indiana is SO boring that people will actually PAY MONEY to watch other people drive around in circles. No wonder James Dean left.

Crazed socialist nutjob and vocal World War I protestor Eugene V. Debs was born in Terre Haute, Indiana. He was sorta like an early version of Jane Fonda, except less skanky.

The state of Indiana was once 80% forest, but over the years has lost 3/4 of its trees to hordes of plundering Amish furniture-makers.

Indiana is home to the Indianapolis Motor Speedway, which - with relative safety - combines public drunkenness and reckless driving.

25% of people in Indiana are of German extraction, leading to occasional blitzkriegs into Ohio and Illinois.

Indiana has more covered bridges than any other state, mostly so that the bridges don't go around flaunting their sexuality and frightening the Amish.

Some of the more rural parts of Indiana only accept farm animals as currency. However, a lot of the small-town general stores DO take MasterCow.

Although people in northern Indiana must contend with long, harsh winters, at least they're safe from the cruel assault of bluegrass festivals that plague the southern part of the state.

The state flag of Indiana consists of a solid blue background with a flaming torch surrounded by 19 stars. This celebrates the state's historical tradition of burning Indian villages to steal land for white people.

The state flower of Indiana is the peony which - being large, pink, round, and smelly - perfectly represents the people of the state.

The city of Santa Claus, Indiana has a 20-foot statute of the jolly old elf at the outskirts of the town, which is usually covered in graffiti by gangs from the nearby cities of Grinch and Scrooge.

Indiana has only 40 miles of shoreline along Lake Michigan, most of which is covered by the corpes of people who hired non-union labor which wash in from Chicago.

The highest point in Indiana is only 1200 feet above sea level. Geographically speaking, if Indiana were a woman, it'd be Olive Oyl.

Traditionally, Jewish people in Indiana wear yarmulkes made out of used Indy Car tires.

Well... they WOULD... if there were actually any Jews in Indiana.

Indiana's state tourism motto is "Hope you brought something to do."

The city of Peru, Indiana was known as the "Circus Capital of America" until 1952 when it was wiped out by an epidemic of Mad Clown Disease.

South Bend, Indiana is home to Notre Dame College. Their nickname - The Fighting Irish - is considered offensive by some, but it's still better than previous nicknames such as the Brawling Bog-Trotters and the Surly Spud-Munchers.

Stainless steel was invented in Kokomo, Indiana by Elwood Haynes in a desperate bid to get his wife to stop naggging him to "polish the damn silverware!".

Singers Axl Rose and John Cougar Mellencamp are both natives of Indiana. In a knife fight between Rose and Mellencamp, bet on the guy with the most tattoos.

That wraps up the Indiana edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week I'll be making three solid minutes of corn jokes because we're headed to Iowa.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go put fifty bucks on Axl Rose.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT ILLINOIS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT - UPDATED 8-27-04

The version on the IMAO podcast (#13) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're stopping in the heartland of America to visit Illinois, so let's get started...

Illinois became the 21st state on December 3rd, 1818, and - except for Arkansas - is the only state that carries the death penalty for pronouncing the S at the end of the state's name.

Politically, Illinois is like 2 states in one. The Chicago area - which is urban and heavily Democratic - and the rest of the state, which is rural and sane.

Chicago politicians are easily identifiable by their colorful "Bribe me!" lapel pins.

During the Civil War, Illinois was bitterly divided between those who wanted black people to vote and those who wanted to restrict the franchise to white people and the dead.

10% of Illinois' economy is based on the production of various corn products. The other 90% consists of official "Just wait 'till next year!" logo Cubs merchandise.

Although Illinois borders both Lake Michigan and the Mississippi River, most citizens get their water from large, camel-like humps on their backs.

Every year, millions of Illinoisans head north to the Wisconsin Dells to spend their money on water parks, souveniers, and speeding tickets.

Illinois is currently experiencing rapid population growth because an Illinoisan's only natural predator is the Wisconsin State Highway Patrol.

Few people shop at the malls in Illinois due to the twin hazards of high sales taxes and recklessly-driving Blues musicians.

The first skyscraper was built in Chicago in 1895. When completed, it was 9 stories tall and was immediately destroyed by God for using non-union labor.

At least according to the Teamsters who witnessed the event.

Thanks to Illinois' strict gun control laws, you may wander about freely after dark without having to worry about being mugged by a law-abiding citizen.

Due to the extremely harsh winters in Illinois, natives of the state grow thick coats of fur to protect them from the elements, and are frequently clubbed to death by Alaskan tourists.

People from Chicago like to brag about their "Chicago-style" pizza, but it's really just regular pizza sprinkled with bits of people who hired non-union labor.

Springfield is the capitol of Illinois. While there, be sure to visit Lincoln's Tomb and Moe's Tavern.

The state dance of Illinois is the Square Dance.

Except in certain parts of Chicago, where it's the "I NEED CRACK!" jitterbug.

Chicago was setting for George Romero's movie "Night of the Voting Dead".

The Sears Tower in Chicago is the tallest building in North America and contains enough office space to hold a year's supply of Twinkies for Michael Moore.

The state tree of Illinois is the White Oak, which is just plain racist.

The state snack of Illinois is popcorn. MORE racism!

The first McDonald's restaurant opened in Des Plaines, Illinois in 1940 after the McDonald brothers perfected their technique for making thin, round patties out of rat turds and sawdust.

Early in the church's history, the Mormons settled in Nauvoo, Illinois, but moved to Utah after the Iroquois Indians gave them smallpox and stole their land.

During the Civil War, Illinois was home to the notorious Rock Island prison camp, where it's estimated that over 100,000 Confederate prisoners were either starved to death or denied access to Korans.

13% of Illinois' population is foreign-born. Mostly Irishmen who ran out of money while travelling to Idaho's annual Spud-Fest.

People from Chicago must pass a literacy test before they are allowed to vote, which consists of correctly identifying the letter "D".

It was the original French settlers who chose the White-Tailed Deer as the Illinois state animal. They looked upon it as a kindred spirit, since it appeared to be raising a white flag while fleeing at the first sign of danger.

Chicago is home to the world's largest public library. Sadly, not enough of the books have pictures to make it of any use to the Irish.

The city of Bloomington, Illinois consists of 60% women and 40% men. Even Frank J. could get lucky there.

If he weren't... you know... already attached.

SarahK's gonna kill me now, isn't she?

In 1999 the city of Kankakee, Illinois was voted "America's Worst Place to Live". It improved to "America's Best Place to Live" after the city implemented its "free breast implant" program.

That wraps up the Illinois edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking eastward across the border into Indiana.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go eat some popcorn because I'm a racist.

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UPDATE 8-27-05: Per a reminder from the Humble Devil Dog of Random Firing of Neurons in the comments, I should add this:

If you visit a state that borders Illinois, you may hear Illinois tourists referred to as "FIB's", which stands for Fine Illinois Brethren.

If you're FROM one of those border states, then you know I just lied to you.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT IDAHO: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

Fun Facts About Idaho: The Director's Cut

The version on the IMAO podcast (#12) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking a spud-tastic trip to Idaho, so let's get started...

Idaho became the 43rd state on July 3rd, 1890, despite objections from Illinois, Indiana, and Iowa that there were already too many states beginning with the letter "I".

Gutzon Borglum, the sculptor of Mount Rushmore, was born in Bear Lake, Idaho. He did his famous work in South Dakota after ruining every mountain in Idaho trying to get Washington's nose just right.

Idaho has only one radio station, but since all the surrounding mountains ruin the reception, it has only a handful of listeners. Although this may also be because it carries Air America.

Idaho is America's largest lumber producer and the only state in the US with a National Forest consisting entirely of stumps.

The word "Idaho" comes from the Crow Indian word, "E-dah-how", meaning "Is there ANY month when it doesn't snow around here?"

The tourism motto of Idaho is "Cold and boring like Canada, except with more gun-crazed right-wing militias".

The state tree of Idaho is the stump.

Because of the long distances between cities in Idaho, most trucks carry an emergency Hyundai in the glove compartment.

If your Hyundai doesn't work and you become stranded in Idaho, it's traditional to wait three hours before resorting to cannibalism.

Idaho is home to numerous private militias, which, like their revolutionary forefathers, have orders to shoot anyone wearing a red coat.

Idaho state law requires all registered Democrats to wear a red coat to the polls on election day.

Hell's Canyon in Idaho is 7900 feet deep, which makes it both deeper than the Grand Canyon AND a great place to throw registered Democrats after election day.

Although normally a peaceful city, Boise, Idaho occasionally erupts with violent gunfights between rival gangs of skiers and snowboarders.

The state bird of Idaho is the Bluebird, a shameful choice which clearly discriminates against the colorblind.

Elk River, Idaho is home to the states largest tree. At nearly 200 feet tall, it's estimated that this single tree contains enough wood to build a chair capable of supporting Michael Moore.

In Idaho, it's illegal to give someone a box of candy weighing more than 50 pounds, which is why Rosie O'Donnell will never play the Boise Improv.

Well, that, and she'd end up in Hell's Canyon after election day.

Idaho is home to North America's largest sand dune. It's 470 feet tall, and is visited annually by over 1 million stray cats looking for a place to pee.

Appaloosa horses originated in Idaho and were first bred by the local Indians as a war animal. Today, this hearty breed is still highly prized for its thick armor plating.

The largest diamond ever found in the US was a 20-carat stone discovered in McCall, Idaho, which then changed its name to Bling City.

Being a large but sparsely populated state, land is incredibly cheap in Idaho. However, due to high transportation costs for lumber, you can't afford to build a house on your property unless you make it out of potatoes.

The first nuclear power plant in the US was built in Arco, Idaho in 1953, but was destroyed in 1955 by giant mutant sheep.

Arco is now known as the "Radioactive sweater capital of the world".

The firefighting ax was invented in Wallace, Idaho after giant mutant sheep drank the town's entire water supply.

Beaver Canyon, near the city of Spencer, Idaho, is rumored to be the site of a huge fortune in buried treasure. No one has found it yet because they're too busy giggling at the canyon's name to search for it.

In 1925, the entire city of American Falls, Idaho was moved to make way for the American Falls Dam. The dam itself was recently moved to make way for a Wal-Mart.

Thanks for the Kelo decision, Supreme Court!

Jackasses.

Television was invented in Rigby, Idaho, which may explain the city's frighteningly low scores on standardized tests.

In 1896, Butch Cassidy robbed the bank in Montpelier, Idaho, after being screwed out of his free tote bag when he opened a checking account there.

Idaho law forbids children from deliberately stepping on ants. The kids don't mind too much, however, since pistol-whipping them is still legal.

That wraps up the Idaho edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we're off to the Land of Lincoln for a look at Illinois.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pistol-whip some ants.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT HAWAII: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#11) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision appears below

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your lei because we're going to Hawaii, so let's get started...

Hawaii became the 50th state on August 21st 1959, and is the only state in the US made up entirely of islands.

At least until California's next earthquake.

The Native Hawaiian alphabet contains only 12 letters, making it less than half as difficult to pass a sobriety test there.

Hawaii has five cities with a population over 100,000, none of which I can pronounce without hurting myself.

Contrary to the popular stereotype, not all native Hawaiians wear grass skirts and do the hula dance. Just the men.

Well, the gay ones, anyway.

Hawaii is home to numerous species of beautifully colored butterflies. Unfortunately, they have a taste for human eyeballs, so you probably shouldn't look at them.

Hawaii has no bridges connecting its islands, but if it did, Ted Kennedy would still drive into the water.

Native Hawaiians all have dark skin, straight black hair, and brown eyes. Sorta like Mexicans, except without the "sneaking across the border" part.

Most Dole pineapples are grown in Hawaii, and should NOT be confused with former Senator Bob Dole, since most pineapples could beat Bill Clinton in a Presidential election.

Hawaiian pineapples also refrain from referring to themselves in the third person.

Despite the impression given by the TV show "Magnum, P.I.", most Hawaiians don't have the same moustache as Saddam Hussein.

However, I hear the John Bolton look is becoming quite trendy.

The Hawaiian Islands are actually a chain of active volcanoes. Except for Mount Kilauea, which is dormant and serves as the hidden lair of an evil genius bent on global domination.

The main mode of sea transportation in Hawaii is the outrigger canoe. On land, it's hopping around and yelling, "OW! This lava's burning my feet! OW! OW! OW!"

The word "Hawaii" comes from the native Hawaiian word "Owhyhee", which means "That drink's gonna cost ya 15 bucks, ya stupid tourist! MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

While vacationing in Hawaii, someone may approach you on the beach and offer to take your picture. Don't fall for this scam. He's actually trying to steal your soul with his evil voodoo box. Run away screaming.

Although it never snows in Hawaii, "Sno-Cones" are a very popular treat. However, you'll probably want to avoid the so-called "lemon-flavored" yellow ones.

No, I *didn't* enjoy my Hawaiian vacation, but thanks for asking.

Much like Illinois, Hawaii has no professional football team worth mentioning.

While at the beach in Hawaii, never turn your back on the ocean, lest scurvy pirates take you unawares. YARRRRR!

Again - NOT a good vacation.

If you have an extended stay in Hawaii, remember that ALL goods must be imported to this tiny island state. In the event of a Longshoreman's strike, always booby trap your precious horde of toilet paper to discourage theft.

Although Native Hawaiians never wear shoes this is NOT an invitation to play "this little piggy" with them.

Hawaii Five-O was a fictional TV show, and is NOT an actual crime-fighting organization. If you're the victim of a crime while visiting Hawaii, you'll have to take matters into your own hands by shooting people at random until you've calmed down.

The temperature in Hawaii almost never falls below 60 degrees Fahrenheit. At 59 degrees, native Hawaiians freeze solid and will shatter at the slightest touch.

If you accidentally shatter a Hawaiian, blame another tourist and escape during the ensuing confusion.

The state sport of Hawaii is shark-feeding... oh... sorry... "surfing".

While relaxing at the beach in Hawaii, tip your waiter generously, or don't be surprised when you wake up from your little nap by the ocean with the word "DORK" written in sunscreen across your chest.

Yeah... REALLY bad vacation.

In Hawaii, bikinis and speedos are considered acceptable attire at even the most formal events. As long as you can remember that "eye-contact" involves actually lifting your head, you'll be fine.

Good luck on THAT one, ya perv.

That wraps up the Hawaii edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be enjoying the potato-rich countryside of Idaho.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go find another tourist to blame this shattered Hawaiian on.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT GEORGIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#10) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below:

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's time to eat a peach in honor of Georgia, so let's get started...

Georgia became the 4th state on January 2nd, 1788, and its citizens commemorate this day each year by shooting British people with muskets.

Contrary to popular myth, not everyone who lives in Georgia is a redneck. There's plenty of toothless, moonshine-swilling hillbillies, too.

Coca-Cola was invented in Atlanta, Georgia in 1886. The original formula has changed since then, and the drink no longer contains actual cocaine or the blood of virgins.

"Georgia" is a Cherokee Indian word meaning, "Are those rednecks or hillbillies?"

Despite the way natives pronounce the state's name, "Jawjah" is NOT spelled with a W.

Unlike the word "dawg".

Since it almost never snows in Georgia, children there spend winters having cotton ball fights.

While having a cotton ball fight, it's considered cheating to stuff a peach pit in the cotton.

In Georgia, everything is made out of cotton. Except the peaches, which are made out of okra.

Atlanta, Georgia has the worst traffic of any city in the US, since every street in the city is named "Peachtree Road".

The last time it snowed in Georgia, the confused natives thought it was ash from the Yankees burning Atlanta again.

The state motto of Georgia is "Wisdom, Justice, Moderation.", which replaced the old motto of "Whiskey, Hookers, NASCAR."

In Georgia, every soft drink is referred to as "Coke". Except for Pepsi, which is referred to as "Damn Yankee Poison".

After Jimmy Carter left the presidency in 1981, he returned to his home town of Plains, Georgia and went on a bloody shooting rampage.

Wait... I meant to say "worked for Habitat for Humanity". Must've been a typo.

The only way to get to Florida from Georgia is by sea, since the Georgia-Florida border is guarded by landmines and alligators.

The Georgia Music Hall of Fame in Macon, Georgia celebrates the careers of all the talented musicians who were born in Georgia, and is currently empty.

They WERE going to put in a Ray Charles exhibit, but they figured there was no point, since he wouldn't see it anyway.

Saint Marys, Georgia is the second-oldest city in the US, and will soon be moving to Florida to retire.

If it can make it past the landmines and alligators, that is.

The state fish of Georgia is the largemouth bass, which shouldn't be confused with the much more common loudmouth drunk.

The name of Georgia's largest swamp, the Okefenokee, comes from a Shawnee Indian word meaning "I'd rather live in a swamp than eat okra".

Georgia was originally populated by settlers from England and drunk people from Alabama who couldn't find their way home.

The Governor's mansion in Georgia is the only quadruple-wide trailer in America.

Some people are offended by the fact that three Confederate leaders are carved into the side of Georgia's Stone Mountain. Other people figure it's ok, since the back ends of the horses point north.

Between 2001 and 2003, the state flag of Georgia was changed 3 times. The latest version consists of a white background with black lettering that says "YOUR DESIGN HERE: $50"

In Georgia, it's considered ungentlemanly to stare at a woman's breasts while talking to her. Unless she's REALLY hot.

In the year 2227, Dr. Leonard McCoy will be born in Atlanta, Georgia and will go on to become Chief Medical Officer of the USS Enterprise. If you already knew this, then you're a pathetic nerd who will never kiss a girl.

The most common cause of death in Georgia is getting murdered in a fight over the proper way to pronounce the word "pecan".

Georgia is the state most likely to be invaded by Jane Fonda and have its peanut oil stolen to power her tour bus.

The official state prepared food of Georgia is grits, which consists of coarsely ground bits of corn and shouldn't be confused with hog slop, which is made from coarsely ground bits of corn.

Although Georgia is already America's #1 grower of peanuts, farmers there are already working on developing a "super-peanut" which will be twice as large and shoot laser beams out of it's eyes.

They hope to use it to stop Jane Fonda.

That wraps up the Georgia edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be slipping into a grass skirt for out trip to Hawaii.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go murder someone who said "PEE-can"

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FUN FACTS ABOUT FLORIDA: THE DIRECTORS CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#9) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we'll be enjoying a trip to sunny Florida, so let's get started...

Florida became the 27th state on March 3rd, 1845, an event which most of the state's residents recall fondly from their childhoods.

Or WOULD, if it weren't for the Alzheimer's.

The state flag of Florida was eaten by an alligator, so I have no idea what it looks like.

The knee is Florida's official state arthritic joint.

The largest private employer in Florida is Disney World. The second largest is the company that makes "this ride closed for repairs" signs.

After the Presidential election disaster in 2000, Florida passed a law making it illegal to vote without first removing your souvenier Mickey Mouse gloves.

The most common cause of death in Florida is being run over by old women who mistakenly voted for Pat Buchanan.

The second most common is getting run over by '57 Chevys that wash up on Miami Beach from Cuba.

The state bird of Florida is the Pink Flamingo, a feisty animal which is actually capable of killing a fully grown alligator, thanks to Floridas new concealed carry law.

Although most Floridians don't speak with a strong southern accent, they DO tend to pronounce the word "hurricane" as "Oh, SH**!"

Janet Reno was born in Miami, Florida, and only returned to the state because her magic mirror told her that Elian Gonzales was fairer than she.

Twice yearly, Florida is victimized by uncontrollable destructive forces which lay waste to the state. These times are known as "hurricane season" and "spring break".

The state reptile of Florida is the alligator, which subsists on a diet of fish, birds, and Japanese tourists.

The state song of Florida is "Grandpa, Don't Wear That Speedo to the Beach".

If a hurricane strikes while you're in Florida, just hand over your wallet and no one will get hurt.

Spanish explorer Ponce de Leon discovered Florida in 1513 while searching for the legendary Fountain of Orange Juice.

Despite the fact that the temperature never gets below freezing, Florida has a professional ice hockey team, which... nah, no one's gonna believe that one.

People from Florida are easy to spot on the road. They're the ones driving around with sheets of plywood nailed over their car windows.

If you move to Florida, buy a house with a colorful roof so that you can easily find it after it gets blown down the street by a hurricane.

When visiting Seaworld in Orlando, be sure to stop by the restaurant for the "slow learner sandwich" special.

Native Floridians never wear sunglasses because they have a special, inner third eyelid to keep out the sun's harmful rays.

Florida's Disney World is technically in a state of war with California's Disneyland, and the two theme parks exchange nuclear strikes several times a year.

The University of Florida's football team is named the Gators in honor of the millions of alligators milked each year to make Gatorade.

Neil Smith of Montverde, Florida, invented the riding lawn mower in 1933, adding to the list of useful things that Floridians could have blown away during a hurricane.

The state tree of Florida is the Palm Tree - so named because that's the part of your body that will be scraped raw if you try to climb it.

While in Florida, NEVER try to climb any sort of nut tree.

The Everglades in Florida is 2100 square miles of smelly, oozing, mosquito-infested muck. Most Florida natives still refer to it by its original name the "The Cesspool National Park".

Passing the test for a driver's license in Florida requires that you be able to make a right turn from the left lane across 3 lanes of traffic. Or so I assume from what I saw last time I was there.

Despite rumors to the contrary, "Florida oysters" is NOT a euphemism for boiled alligator testicles.

However, eating Florida oysters WILL cause you to grow a special, inner third eyelid.

The state flower of Florida is the Orange Blossom, which is a small, white flower with an insatiable hunger for human flesh.

The refrigerator was invented in Florida in 1921. This represented a great technological leap forward, as now Floridians had a place to store their melted ice cream when the power went out.

That wraps up the Florida edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sneaking north across the border into America's peachiest state, Georgia.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go milk me some fresh Gatorade.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT DELAWARE: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#8) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your pumpkin catapult, because we're taking a trip to Delaware, so let's get started...

Delaware is a small state located in the Northeastern US in the New England region. Which is much like Old England, expect with fewer spam-loving Vikings.

At it's widest point, Delaware is 35 miles across, which means - in THEORY - that the state *could* contain Michael Moore's ass.

The world's largest frying pan was built in Delmarva, Delaware in 1950. It's 10 feet across, holds 800 chicken quarters, and is the only reason Michael Moore might try to squeeze his ass into Delaware.

Delaware was the first state to ratify the US constitution in 1787. This is why people from Delaware are always wearing big foam fingers and shouting "we're #1!"

Can't blame 'em, I guess, it's not like they have any sports teams to get excited about. Although the ones who don't read so well sometimes make a fuss over "their" basketball team the "Dover" Nuggets

Delaware shares a semi-circular border with Pennsylvania, which marks the perimeter of the area guarded by the official state pit bull that's chained up in Wilmington.

The official state bug of Delaware is the ladybug, an insect easily identified by its red back, black spots and 6 tiny foam fingers.

Delaware is the only state in the US without any national parks. They were all eliminated as part of the plea bargain after Smokey the Bear was indicted in Delaware on arson charges.

Delaware is the second smallest state in the US. It actually WAS the smallest at one time, but then they gave the state Pit Bull another 10 feet of chain.

Although the log cabin was invented in Delaware in 1645, only one log cabin remains intact today, the rest having been eaten by ladybugs.

The state bird of Delaware is The Blue Hen chicken which is known for it fighting ability. During the Revolutionary war, a single Blue Hen once defeated an entire platoon of French soldiers.

Unfortunately, the French were fighting on America's side at the time, and it would've cost us the war if they hadn't been rescued at the last second by a brigade of lady bugs.

The first settlers arrived in Delaware 11 years after the arrival of the Mayflower, because the men in charge wouldn't stop to ask for directions.

The official state song of Delaware is "Our Delaware", recorded by Chuck Berry in 1972.

Wait... I'm thinking of "My Ding-a-Ling". Nevermind.

The highest point in Delaware is a mere 442 feet above sea level. Despite the lack of mountains, Delaware DOES actually have a ski resort, located 5 miles north of Munchkin City.

The first permanent colony on Delaware soil was New Sweden, which quickly died out because none of the other colonists could understand a damn word they said.

I mean, how were THEY supposed to know that "Vhee zee cuoorfe-a hooffa heemun!" meant "Help us! We're starving!"?

A common sight on Delaware beaches are horseshoe crabs and shuffleboard lobsters.

Delaware's official state colors are "Colonial blue" and "buff", which is just completely gay.

The Delaware Indians were the most advanced and civilized of all the tribes in America until the White Man came, gave them smallpox, and stole their oil.

Henry Heimlich, inventor of the Heimlich Maneuver, was born in Wilmington, Delaware. He developed his famous live-saving technique quite accidentally, while researching ways to sneak up behind people and punch them in stomach.

Poodle Beach in Delaware was voted America's Gayest Beach for 10 consecutive years. It's annual Drag Queen volleyball competition attracts thousands of... Hey! Is that Tom Cruise?

Sussex County, Delaware is home to the annual Punkin' Chunkin' contest, where people use homemade catapults to throw pumpkins as far as they can. Prizes are awarded for distance, accuracy, and the pumpkin that most resembles Ted Kennedy's fat head.

Many residents of Delaware enjoy eating "scrapple", a dish made from cornmeal mixed with pigs' hearts, livers, snouts, tails, and other parts too disgusting to be eaten on their own. If you're given the choice between eating scrapple fried or baked, choose suicide.

Delaware does NOT charge a sales tax on consumer purchases. It DOES, however, tax the earnings of prostitutes, since that's technically considered a "rental".

The test for a driver's license in Delaware is to turn your car around without any part of it leaving the state.

No one in Delaware has a driver's license.

During World War II, 12 concrete towers were built along the Delaware coastline so that observers could watch for the approach of German submarines. 1000 yards away. Underwater. In the dark.

Why yes, it WAS a union job. How did you know?

That wraps up the Delaware edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading due south to have a look at Florida.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go throw myself off a cliff so that I don't have to eat this plate of scrapple.

[submitted to the Outside the Beltway Traffic Jam]

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FUN FACTS ABOUT CONNECTICUT: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#7) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, it's off to the East Coast for a look at Connecticut, so let's get started...

Connecticut is a small state in the northeastern US and is best known for being the place that beer cans land after New Yorkers throw them out of their car windows.

The highest point in Connecticut is Mt. Frissel, at 2380 feet, which is where Connecticut residents got to throw the empty beer cans back into New York.

Connecticut has only 2 interstate highways, neither of which gets you out of the state fast enough.

Connecticut is an Algonquin Indian word meaning "yuppie scum".

Although Connecticut borders Massachusetts, no Kennedys live there because Connecticut liquor stores all close at 8pm.

Many areas of Connecticut are plagued by foraging herds of white tail deer that destroy crops and gardens. The only way for residents to keep the deer at bay is pay "protection money" to Don Bambi, head of the deer mafia.

The New England Patriots football team almost moved to Hartford, Connecticut, but declined to do so because the deal included renaming the team to the Hartford Homos.

The pink & gold uniforms WERE tempting, though.

The official insect of Connecticut is the Praying Mantis - an obvious violation of the separation of church and state.

Connecticut is populated mainly by people who couldn't decide whether they wanted to live further away from Boston or New York City.

Connecticut is called the "nutmeg" state" because the early Connecticut colonists would sell fake nutmegs to unsuspecting tourists. This is somewhat analogous to referring to the Kennedys as the "designated driver family".

The state motto of Connecticut is "As close to New York as New Jersey is, but with less toxic waste."

In terms of distance, Connecticut is the closest state in the US to France, which is why most people in Connecticut face east when they spit.

George W. Bush was born in New Haven, Connecticut on July 6, 1946, but moved to Texas as a teenager to pursue his dream of stealing oil.

Although Connecticut ranks 48th among the states in terms of size, it ranks a close second behind Massachusetts in terms of "snooty, upper-class arrogance".

Connecticut become the 5th state on January 9th, 1788. It would've joined sooner, but everyone was out skiing in Vermont.

Despite the state's small size, it DOES have a state college - the University of Connecticut or UCONN - which should NOT be confused with the popular rat poison.

The state flag of Connecticut consists of a blue background, a white shield, 3 grapevines, and the motto, "He who transplanted sustains us". Officially, the motto refers to early colonists coming in from Boston, but that doesn't explain the large number of tourists who wake up in a tub of ice, missing a kidney.

The official state song of Connecticut is Yankee Doodle, which was originally written in 1750 to honor the official state pasta.

Being a small state, Connecticut has only one radio station, which plays nothing but different versions of Yankee Doodle 24 hours a day. The most popular being Snoop Dogg's "Yo Yo Yizzle Dizzle".

The world's first nuclear submarine, the USS Nautilus, was built in Groton, Connecticut in 1954, after which it turned on its creators and went on a fearsome, building-destroying rampage through the city.

The practice of branding farm animals began in Connecticut, where farmers were required by law to mark their pigs, which is why Michael Moore will never visit the state.

The Hartford Courant, established in 1764, is America's oldest newspaper. A glance through some of the earliest editions shows that, even back then, Doonesbury wasn't funny.

Seriously, when is Trudeau gonna stop recycling that "Thomas Paine eats catfood" line?

The Polaroid camera was invented in Connecticut in 1934.

Blackmailing people with compromising photographs was invented about 60 seconds later.

The first English settlers arrived in Hartford in 1636 and were tricked into staying in the area by settlers from Boston who promised them that the Patriots would move there "any day now".

That wraps up the Connecticut edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be sticking around the New England area and taking a look at Delaware.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go step on a Praying Mantis to protect my freedom from religion.

---

[submitted to the Outsided the Beltway Traffic Jam]

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FUN FACTS ABOUT COLORADO: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#6) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your hiking boots because we're headed to the Rocky Mountains of Colorado, so let's get started...

Colorado is a large state in the West-central US that has spent the last century battling Wyoming for the coveted title of "Most Rectangular State".

Although people from Colorado have no distinctive accent, they can still be easily recognized by the fact that, when they say "Coors", they don't grimace.

The state of Colorado has an average elevation of 7000 feet above sea level, which, technically, makes its citizens space aliens.

The most common cause of death in Colorado is being struck by low-flying satellites.

Due to its high altitude, water in Colorado boils at a much lower temperature than at sea level, which is why joggers there frequently evaporate into clouds of steam.

Despite the impression given by a certain animated TV show, South Park, Colorado is NOT actually a real city. If you don't believe me, you can [CENSORED] my [CENSORED] you [CENSORED].

Skiing in Aspen, Colorado is both a popular tourist attraction and an effective way to kill a Kennedy without wasting a perfectly good bullet.

Colorado hopes to use the sport of Whitewater Rafting to take out a Baldwin sometime in 2006.

The state motto of Colorado is "Wanna buy a slightly used life-jacket for cheap?"

The cheeseburger was invented in Denver in 1935, which is why Michael Moore bows down in the direction of the city five times a day.

Annoyed by the millions of misdirected Valentines that arrive at their post office every year, the citizens of Loveland, Colorado will soon be holding a referendum to change the city's name. Options include Bitterdivorceland, PMSington, and Hillaryville.

Denver is home to the world's largest rodeo. While it's in progress, the city has nearly as many men dressed in leather chaps as San Francisco.

This does NOT make them gay, although they ARE flattered, and possibly a little curious.

There are over 200 parks in the city of Denver, which are filled with hiking trails, petting zoos, and angry tourists whose flights out of the city were cancelled due to sudden snowstorms.

Zebulon Pike, of Pike's Peak fame, was never actually on top of the object which bears his name, but he DID bring it to the nation's attention by mentioning it frequently. Not unlike John Kerry's relationship with his wife Teresa.

Colorado is the most dangerous state through which to fly and airplane, due to the risk of being hit by cattle that accidentally fall off moutainsides while grazing.

The city of Dove Creek, Colorado is the "Pinto Bean Capital of the World". Coincidentally, the nearby city of Cortez is the "Air Freshener Capital of the World".

Mesa Verde, Colorado is home to an abandoned Indian city made up of buildings carved directly into the cliffs. No one knows exactly what happened to the residents, although they may have been eaten by the Donner Party.

Colorado became the 38th state on August 1st, 1876, a fact celebrated by no one at the time, since everybody was still too hung over from celebrating America's Centennial.

Famous horror movie actor Lon Chaney was born in Colorado Springs. He moved to Hollywood in 1902 after a mob of angry villagers chased him out of the state.

Colorado's flag consists of a field of horizontal blue and white stripes, with a red letter C in the middle. The inside of the C is colored yellow as a warning to tourists that not all snow is edible.

Colorado's state dinosaur is the stegosaurus, which has been extinct since 1997, when the last one died from being hit by a Kennedy while skiing in Aspen.

The state insect of Colorado is the tick, which is highly prized by locals because telling a girl that you want to check her for ticks is a great excuse for getting her clothes off.

The Square Dance was named Colorado's state dance in 1992, narrowly beating out the Macarena and the Achy-Breaky.

That wraps up the Colorado edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be hitting the Eastern seaboard for a look at Connecticut.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go bow down towards Denver... mmmm... cheeseburgers...

---

Remember, the short version of this (as well as a vast array of even better stuff) is still available at http://www.imaopodcast.com/

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FUN FACTS ABOUT CALIFORNIA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#5) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies beneath...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless, and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your surfboard because we're headed to the shores of sunny California, so let's get started...

California is a large state on the western coast of the US which is inhabited by people who snuck into the state and live off the hard-earned money of the working class, or, as the locals refer to them, actors.

The main export of California is fine wine, which is quite similar to French wine, except that it's less cowardly and annoying.

California was originally part of Mexico, and many of its cities still have Mexican names, like Los Angeles, which means "City of Beating up Rodney King"

California requires that all cars sold in the state run on a special environmentally friendly fuel composed of 50% gasoline and 50% tofu.

California used to be covered by thick forests of giant redwood trees, but these have all been cut down to make nightsticks for beating black motorists.

The state motto of California is "Eureka!", a Greek word meaning "Dude!"

More turkeys are raised in California than in any other state, and most of them get released from Hollywood during the summer.

The Hollywood Bowl is the world's largest outdoor amphitheater and will be hosting next week's IMAO podcast with the re-formed Monty Python as the opening act.

Buy your tickets now or we'll send the IMAO goon squad after you.

Californians can be easily identified by their deep, golden tans and fake green cards.

California experiences 500,000 detectable seismic tremors every year. Coincidentally, that's the same number of steps taken annually by Michael Moore during his trips to the refrigerator.

The average earthquake in California only lasts about 10 seconds. Coincidentally, that's the same amount of time between the beginning of a typical Michael Moore movie and the time someone yells, "THIS SUCKS!"

The state animal of California is the Grizzly Bear, which, sadly, has been hunted to near extinction by roving hordes of the undead who feast on their tender brains.

MMMM... braaaaaaainsssss...

California recently legalized the use of marijuana for medicinal purposes. Research is currently underway to investigate any possible healing powers possessed by hookers.

Many cities in California have outlawed the possession of handguns - however mace, pepper spray, and light sabers are still perfectly legal for self-defense.

You do, however, need a special permit to use force lightning.

San Francisco, has a large, free-spirited population of homosexuals, most of whom are safely confined to a gulag on Castro Street.

Clint Eastwood retired from acting to become the Mayor of Carmel, California, where he spends his days sipping whiskey and pistol-whipping Mexicans.

Many people hope that California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger will run for President someday, but unfortunately the Constitution specifically forbids the election of people who are unable to pronounce the word "Calee-forn-ee-uh".

Luckily there's no such restriction for "nu-cu-lar".

California is impervious to terrorist attacks because the noxious fumes from the hippies quickly render them unconscious.

Even though it's only a single state, California has the 7th largest economy in the world, 90% of which comes from the sale of breast implants.

Arnold Schwarzeneggar won California's special recall election in 2003 by running on the slogan of "I will crush my enemies, see them driven before me, and hear the lamentation of the girly men!"

California produces 17 million gallons of wine each year, which is enough to get Frank J. drunk 340 million times... if Frank were the kind of froo-froo sissy-pants who actually drank wine, that is.

Fallbrook, California is known the Avacado Capital of the World, a fact about which nobody outside the city gives a damn.

California became the 31st state on September 9th 1850 after winning it's independence from Mexico by defeating them in a brutal game of tiddlywinks.

California is famous for it's many elite golf courses, including Palm Springs, Pebble Beach, and No Blacks or Women.

In 1906, the city of San Francisco was razed to the ground by fires and earthquakes. Fortunately the local homosexual population was able to Queer Eye it back together in a matter of days.

The first person to receive a star on Hollywood's Walk of Fame was Joanne Woodward in 1960. The last person was SpongeBob Squarepants.

Pauley Shore is still waiting.

Ronald Reagan was elected to two terms as Governor of California in exchange for his promise not to make a sequel to "Bedtime for Bonzo".

That wraps up the California edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading into the Rocky Mountains of Colorado.

Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go watch a Michael Moore Movie... THIS SUCKS!

[also submitted to Wizbang's Carnival of the Trackbacks]

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FUN FACTS ABOUT ARKANSAS: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#4) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision follows...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we take a closer look at the rustic charm of Alabama, so let's get started...

Arkansas is a medium-sized state in the south central US. It became the 25th state in 1836 in an effort to make Mississippians appear comparatively well-educated.

The 4 stars inside the white diamond on the Arkansas state flag represent the 4 important aspects of Arkansas life: babes, booze, betting and brawling.

The pine tree is the official state tree of Arkansas, although there is a growing movement in the state to nominate the oak tree, because it's not as hard to spell.

The state motto of Arkansas is "book learnin's fer sissies!".

Little Rock, Arkansas is the site of the Bill Clinton Presidential library. Just look for the building that's shaped like a damp cigar.

There's also a Hillary Clinton library, which is shaped like an unquenchable thirst for political power.

Arkansas has several state flowers, including Apple Blossoms, Violets, and Jennifer.

Arkansas was orginally owned by the French, but was sold to the US as part of the Louisiana Purchase in 1803. Thomas Jefferson tried to return Arkansas as defective merchandise, but he forgot to keep the receipt, so we've been stuck with it ever since.

America's winningest college football coach, Paul "Bear" Bryant was born in Arkansas. His nickname came from his habit of storming up and down the sidelines with his head stuck in a jar of honey.

The city of Hot Springs, Arkansas is known for its many natural hot-water springs, which have an average temperature of 140 degrees. The area was known to the Sioux Indians as "Degataga" which means "OW! OW! OW!"

General Douglas McArthur was born in Little Rock, Arkansas, but soon left the state in search of more Japs upon whom to wreak bloody vengeance.

Arkansas re-instated the death penalty in 1991, but only for capital crimes such as murder and pronouncing the state's name as ar-KAN-sas.

Poet, actress, and singer Maya Angelou was not only born in Arkansas, she was also invited by Bill Clinton to read a poem at his 1993 inaugural. Amazingly, she was NOT sexually harrassed during the invitation.

Some small farms in the Ozark Mountain region of Arkansas still maintain pioneer traditions such as hand-milking cows, plowing their fields with mules, and only burning witches if they weigh the same as a duck.

The major exports of Arkansas are poultry, cattle and corrupt politicians.

Arkansas is a great place for a family vacation since children under 18 are required to wear ball gags. Are we there yet? Are we there yet? Are we MFFMMRGRM
NOW we're there ya little brat!

Arkansas has embraced cutting-edge internet technology and is the first state in the US that allows citizens to bribe the Governor via PayPal.

Arkansas contains numerous scenic cliffs, making it the most convenient state in the US for disposing of embarrassing dead bodies.

Arkansas has a population of almost 3 million people, who, as a group, show less genetic variation than Mary Kate & Ashley.

Arkansas provides free health care for all its citizens through numerous clinics around the state which dispense band-aids and moonshine.

People from Arkansas are a warm and friendly folk who often greet perfect strangers and invite them into their homes before cooking and eating them.

If someone from Arkansas says "hi" to you, shoot him before you end up in his oven.

Wal-Mart started in Bentonville, Arkansas, but has since gone on to attack helpless cities across the United States. Sort of like Godzilla, except less radioactive.

If your town is attacked by a Wal-Mart, don't shoot it with bullets, because you'll only make it angry. Try getting help from King Kong or Target, instead.

Although Arkansas has produced such brilliant military minds as General Nathan Bedford Forrest, it has never produced anyone capable of defeating a Klingon in hand-to-hand combat.

That wraps up the Arkansas edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be surfing on over to the left coast to take a look at California.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go PayPal the Governor.

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FUN FACTS ABOUT ARIZONA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#3) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

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Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, grab your sunscreen because we're headed out west to Arizona, so let's get started...

Arizona is a large state in the southwestern US. It was originally part of Mexico until after the Mexican-American war when it snuck across the border.

Many old people move to Arizona to retire, only to be sold as slaves to work in the state's many copper mines.

The original London Bridge was shipped stone-by-stone and reconstructed in Lake Havasu City, mostly to give retirees something to do between mining shifts.

The Arizona desert was the site of many nuclear tests in the 1950's. Which explains why Senator John McCain has no hair.

What happened to his spine is still a mystery.

The Grand Canyon is located in Arizona and was discovered by the Brady Bunch in 1971.

Raise your hand if you wish Bobby & Cindy would've STAYED lost.

Yeah, me too.

Arizona's state fossil is petrified wood, which has NOTHING to do with old men and Viagra.

Arizona has a reputation for incredibly hot weather, however, during the winter months, it gets cold enough that molten steel will actually freeze solid if left outside.

Arizona is a Hopi Indian word meaning "Help! I'm melting!"

Arizona was once struck by a giant meteor that left a crater over a mile in diameter. Geologic studies of the area indicate that God was actually aiming for Las Vegas.

There are 11 different species of rattlesnake in Arizona. Surprisingly, none of them taste like chicken.

Despite the presence of a large, modern football stadium in Glendale, Arizona, the state has no professional football team. The key word here being "professional".

The state gemstone of Arizona is turquoise, a semi-precious stone with a name so gay even General Motors wouldn't name a car after it.

One of the most attractive features of Arizona are its many towering stone mesas. While driving underneath them, be careful to watch for falling coyotes.

Heh. He'll NEVER catch that roadrunner.

The state plant of Arizona is the Saguro Cactus. It's numerous sharp spines are perfect for holding your unused rattlesnakes.

When you need them again, you can peel them right off. Just like velcro!

The state neckwear of Arizona is the cattle-rustler's noose.

The landlocked state of Arizona once had a battleship named after it, which makes about as much sense as a weight loss program named after Michael Moore.

The state bird of Arizona is the Cactus Wren, a small bird that will fit neatly between your unused rattlesnakes.

The majority of Arizona's land is set aside as reservations for Indians, none of whom can rain dance worth a damn.

The Hopi Indians of Arizona are best known for their multi-colored "Indian corn" as well as their annual "most colorful poo" contest.

The Grand Canyon's most famous waterfall, "Disaster Falls" was named after Howard Dean's presidential campaign.

Camels were once used to transport goods across Arizona, but were banned after it was discovered that their noxious emissions contributed to global warming.

Don't believe me? Just look at what they've done to the Middle East.

The 13 rays of red and gold in Arizona's state flag represent the orginal 13 colonies as well as the typical sunburn acquired by tourists.

Very few battles in the Civil War were actually fought in Arizona because it was just too damn hot to fight. Mostly they just flipped a coin to determine a winner.

Thank God the North had a good supply of two-headed coins.

Arizona became the 48th state on February 14th, 1912, thus freeing Mexicans from the burden of having to sneak all the way north into Utah.

That wraps up the Arizona edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading over to Clinton country to take a look at Arkansas.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go grab some of my unused rattlesnakes. [insert velcro sound effect]

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FUN FACTS ABOUT ALASKA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

The version on the IMAO podcast (#2) was cut here & there for time & quality reasons.

My unsullied and divinely inspired artistic vision lies below...

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're taking the dog sled north to Alaska, so let's get started...

Alaska is the northernmost of the 50 states, and consists largely of a frigid, inhospitable wasteland, much like Bill Clinton's marriage.

Before the Eskimos settled in Alaska, it was populated by a race of midgets, but they were all clubbed to death by baby seals, and no record of their civilization remains.

90% of Alaska's oil is pumped to the lower 48 states via the Alaskan pipeline. The other 10% is pumped directly into Prince William Sound just to irritate Greenpeace.

There are no cars in Alaska because it's too cold for an internal combustion engine to work. If an Alaskan wants to travel, he must either use a dogsled, or carve a car-shaped, Flintstone-like vehicle out of ice.

The first non-Eskimo settlement in Alaska was established in 1784 on the Western coast of the state by Mexicans who had run out of borders to sneak across.

Alaskan Eskimos have over 200 different words for "cold", all of which start with "Damn!"

Like that line? I stole it from Right Wing Duck while he was sneaking across the border.

Alaska's original state motto was "Hey! What happened to my brass monkey?"

Most of the people who move to Alaska are criminals and con artists looking for a fresh set of unsuspecting victims - much like Congressmen, except with parkas.

The Alaskan state legislature is currently evenly split along party lines between moose and polar bears.

Alaska spends 6 months of every year in total darkness, making them ripe for a takeover by the Sith.

Alaska is so big that it could hold Texas, Montana and Nebraska and STILL have room left over for Arnold Schwarzeneggar's bicep.

It could even hold Michael Moore if you took out Texas.

During World War 2, the Japanese actually invaded Alaska, but all the Japanese soldiers were eaten by a giant radioactive lizard.

Alaska became the 49th state on January 3rd, 1959, although it was 2 more years before their star thawed out enough for it to be sewn onto the flag.

The fishing industry is Alaska's largest private employer. The second largest is importing mail order brides from Russia.

All the rivers in Alaska are permanently frozen over, making Alaska the only state in the US where it's safe to ride in a car driven by Ted Kennedy.

Every year, millions of salmon swim upstream into Alaska to return to their spawning grounds and flee the socialist oppression of Canada.

If I remember correctly, Alaska's state flower is the forget-me-not.

I'll let you think about that one for a minute.

The official State sport of Alaska is dog mushing, which shouldn't be confused with puppy blending - the official state sport of Tennessee.

The record high temperature in Alaska was set in 1951 in Fort Yukon at 100 degrees Fahrenheit. This was the only time in history when being a weatherman in Alaska was NOT the easiest job in the world.

Most Alaskan weathermen were fired that day because they didn't have a word to describe the temperature.

The current official state motto of Alaska is "North to the future". The unofficial state motto is "South to somewhere warm"

Contrary to popular myth there are no penguins in alaska. Try looking in Gotham city.

Alaska boasts the lowest population density of any state in America except for whichever state Al Gore is giving a speech in.

Alaska's name is based on the Eskimo word "Alakshak", which means "Damn!"

That wraps up the Alaska edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading to the desert southwest to take a look at Arizona.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go rescue a salmon from Canadian socialist oppression...

Hey ya filthy Canuck! Get your hands off that fish!

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FUN FACTS ABOUT ALABAMA: THE DIRECTOR'S CUT

One of the pieces I did for the IMAO podcast was Fun Facts About Alabama - part of my planned series of Fun Facts About the 50 States. For quality and time reasons, Scott (IMAO sound guru guy) had to take out a good chunk of material.

Now, I fully agree with his editorial choices, but I thought that you guys might enjoy the full version as I originally scripted it.

By the way, you should STILL download the podcast, since I appear in a couple other segments, AND it's full of some DAMN high quality funny that you're not going to see in print. Not to mention the fact that you get to hear SarahK of mountaineer musings sing like an angel.

Anyway, here's the full monty:

---

Welcome to Fun Facts About the 50 States. I'm your host, Harvey, and - week by week - I'll be taking you on a tour around this great nation of ours, providing you with interesting yet completely useless and probably untrue, information about each of the 50 states.

This week, we're headed down south to Alabama, so let's get started...

Alabama is a medium-sized state in the Southern US. It's very similar to its neighboring state, Florida, except it doesn't have as many old people or alligators.

The first Mardi Gras parade was held in Mobile, Alabama in 1711. It featured colorfully decorated, slow-moving cars driving down the streets amongst a crowd of stumbling, drunken pedestrians wearing funny costumes. This is the source of the Alabama state motto: Alabama - where every day is like Mardi Gras!

The state motto has since been changed to "Alabama - the sorta shaped like a beer gut state".

Workers from Alabama built the first rocket designed to put humans on the moon. It was launched from Florida so that wouldn't be attacked by angry villagers with torches and pitchforks who thought it was a tool of the devil.

The world's first Electric Trolley system was introduced in Montgomery Alabama in 1886. It was immediately destroyed by angry villagers.

Perhaps NOW you understand NASA's fear.

Alabama is the only state with all the major natural resources to make iron and steel. This explains why all the villagers had pitchforks.

To help fund education, Alabama instituted a America's first pitchfork tax in 1937.

The flag of Alabama is a big red X on a white field which symbolizes the states high illiteracy rate.

Maybe they need to raise the pitchfork tax.

Montgomery Alabama was the capital and birthplace of the Confederate States of America, which earned Montgomery the nickname "Birthplace of Bad Ideas".

The Confederate Flag was designed and first flown in Alabama in 1861 by the great-grandfather of Bo and Luke Duke.

Alabama became the 22nd state on December 14th, 1819. This posed a problem for celebrating the event, since most Alabama citizens couldn't count past 20, even with their shoes off, although certain of the more inbred sections of the state didn't seem to have as much of a problem with it.

Alabama is actually a Creek Indian word meaning "can't count past 20 even with his shoes off."

Alabama's state govenment is known for its love of high-spending pork projects, and it's state capitol building was once blown down by a hungry wolf.

Serves 'em right for building it out of sticks.

Baseball player Hank Aaron was born in Mobile in 1934. He started playing for the Mobile Mudhens in 1950, but his career there was cut short when he was arrested for "Batting While Black".

The state song of Alabama is "Alabama". I'd sing it for you but it has no words, since nothing rhymes with Alabama.

Well, except "gamma", but the Greek alphabet is outlawed in Alabama, so that doesn't really work.

The highest point in Alabama is Mount Cheaha at 2405 feet. The second highest point is in Trashy Acres Trailer Park at the top of Mary Lou Clanton's hair do.

The musical group Alabama has a fan club and museum in Fort Payne, Alabama, which was burned to the ground by angry villagers after the group used the word "gamma" in a song.

Governor George C. Wallace served four terms in office and spent two of them shooing colored people away from his drinking fountain.

In 1995, Alabama native Heather Whitestone was the first disabled woman chosen to serve as Miss America. I'm not sure exactly WHY she was classified as disabled, since the Johns Hopkins Medical Encyclopedia lists "being an Alabama native" as a "handicap" rather than a "disability".

Hitler's typewriter is on display at the Hall of History in Bessemer Alabama. It's unknown whether it still works, since no one in Alabama can correctly spell the sentence, "the quick brown fox jumps over the lazy dog."

The city of Mobile, Alabama is named for the Mauvilla Indian word meaning "Damn! Squaw have heap big hairdo!"

Alabama's official state mineral is automotive rust.

Alabama's state insect is the Monarch Butterfly, or - as natives refer to it - "that pretty little bug what's flappin' around over there."

Alabama's state bird is the pecan pie.

Long story. Something to do with a gallon of moonshine & Hitler's typewriter. I'm not really at liberty to discuss it, since it involves the word gamma.

In 1864, at the battle of Mobile Bay, Union Admiral David Farragut issued his famous command "Damn the torpedoes! Full speed ahead!". Also uttered that day was the less famous Confederate reply - "Holy crap! They're coming right for us! RUN!"

Despite having only 50 miles of coastline, Alabama's beaches are a popular tourist destination. Be sure to visit during early March to witness the "Feed Yankee Tourists to the Sharks" Festival.

The town of Enterprise, Alabama houses the Boll Weevil Monument which celebrates the role this destructive insect played in encouraging farmers to grow crops other than cotton. But despite all their contributions, Alabama still doesn't allow Boll Weevils to either vote or ride in the front of the bus.

That wraps up the Alabama edition of Fun Facts About the 50 States. Next week we'll be heading up North to take a look at Alaska.

Now if you'll excuse me, I've got to get back to working on the lyrics for Alabama's state song:

I live in Alabama, I really hate my mamma, I hit her with a hamma, and they threw me in the slamma.

Hmmm... not bad.

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