BECAUSE I LIKE DONUTS & CAPITALISM - UPDATED 8-9-09

Psycho Donuts has been getting protested by "mental health advocates" who don't like the name.

It occurs to me that an endorsement from the President is good for sales, so I pulled a few strings and got The One to endorse this beleaguered establishment:

"I love Psycho Donuts!"

UPDATE:

Blogless Brother Tom found another pic of Obama grabbing a box of his favorite deep-fried, dough-based dessert products:

I guess Barry is a bigger fan than I thought.

BREVITY, PEOPLE

(cross-posted from IMAO)

So the Victory Caucus has this "Stand by the American Mission in Iraq" petition that says:

We, the undersigned, call on our national leaders and fellow citizens to resist calls for a premature withdrawal from Iraq and to support America's troops under the new commander, Gen. David Petraeus, as they implement a bold new strategy designed to bring a successful completion to their mission.

Which is nice, and you can go over and sign it if you want.

But I think it's WAY too wordy. Here's how I'd write it.

W,

Kill terrorists.
Stop when they're all dead.

America

Now go out and do something fun with all the time you saved by reading the short version.

Like killing a terrorist.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

The documentary about John's presidential campaign will be titled "Edwards Sissyhands".

John Edwards loves his teddy bears, which is why - if you ask him "Ginger or Mary Ann?" - he'll answer "Skipper".

John Edwards taught Monica that cigar trick.

John Edwards created the youth organization "Edwards Scouts" for boys who like to wear skirts and sell cookies.

Grunting, sweating, heavy breathing, rapid up & down motions - just John Edwards trying unsuccessfully to operate a click-top pen.

The most common word in the English language is "the". For John Edwards, it's "pedicure".

Bonus Facts:

From Silicon Valley Jim:
The first argument in John and Elizabeth Edwards's marriage occurred when Elizabeth used John's rouge before he was done with it. He'd already done his cheeks, but hadn't done his nipples.

From Jim:
John Edwards has every one of Michael Jackson's singles. Every. Single. One!

The constant characterization of him as an effete snob makes John Edwards so angry that he wants to scream and stamp his foot.

John Edwards does not mind being called a Metrosexual. He prefers that to what he used to be called: "pantywaist".

If Amazon Sold Ideology

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Mind-boggling:

"Let me be clear: There is no military solution in Iraq, and there never was. The best way to protect our security and to pressure Iraq's leaders to resolve their civil war is to immediately begin to remove our combat troops," Obama said in his speech. "Not in six months or one year -- now."

Or - to put is succinctly - "The best way to protect America from terrorist attacks is to prove to the psychopathic Muslims that we'll quit fighting if they just hold out long enough".

Dumbest damn thing I ever heard.

Still, there are people who'll lap it up like a cat going after a saucer of fish guts.

Which puts me in mind of Amazon.com's helpful feature "Customers Who Bought This Item Also Bought".

So... "People Who Believe This Also Believe":

* Animals have rights because they feel pain, unless they're screaming fetuses.

* Being murdered by a gun leaves you more dead than being murdered by a knife, baseball bat, or socialized medicine.

* SUV's destroy the planet. That's why liberals ride in limousines.

* Patchouli is an acceptable substitute for soap.

* People should give a damn whether you're offended by something.

* Nothing's worth fighting for, except metaphorically.

* Oral sex isn't, really.

* Anything you can do in the privacy of your own bedroom you should be able to flaunt in public, except prayer.

* Free speech means that you can say whatever you want and no one is allowed to tell you what a galactic fudgepile you are for saying it.

* Despite being a socialist trough-hog with little-to-no understanding of what makes America better than other countries, Barack Obama is eminently electable, and, indeed, is the best choice among the entire current field of viable candidates.

* Besides, skin color should be taken into consideration when choosing the leader of the free world, and anyone who thinks otherwise is a filthy racist.

Noose at University of Maryland is Disgraceful!
An Editorial by Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

On the University of Maryland campus, a small noose was found hanging from a tree near a cultural center that houses the black faculty association and a black newspaper. I, for one, am absolutely outraged by this travesty!

Look at that pathetic thing! You call that a noose? The damn thing's so small, you couldn't even hang a Democrat's sense of decency with it! It took 'em two weeks before anyone even noticed it was there.

And don't even get me started on the knot at the end. Hell my mother gets closer to a Hangman's Knot when she's knitting. It's supposed to have 13 coils.

THIRTEEN, people!

How can you send a man to hell if you don't have thirteen coils?

Heck, even that turd Saddam got seven.

This miserable twist of emo-goth neck-deco didn't even have three.

Look, I understand that colleges these days mostly only teach PC BS like bi-lesbian tree-dancing and whatnot, but you'd think they could toss in just one lousy credit of Stringing People Up 101. What are these poor kids gonna do if someone steals their horse someday? You don't put a horse thief in time out! Ya hoist 'im up like a bird feeder & let the vultures do the rest.

Yeah, I know people don't ride horses anymore, but we've still got plenty of Congressmen & journalists whose necks are too short, so I think my point remains valid.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Executioning: A Career Guide For Teenagers" and "Rope: Not Just For Kinky Sex Anymore".

Top Ten Democratic Complaints About Petraeus's Iraq Report

(cross-posted from IMAO)

10) Low energy, bad lip-synching, and looks flabby in a two-piece.

9) Kept interrupting speech to hand out new contracts to Halliburton

8) Secretly replaced Ted Kennedy's gin with water, leading to an unsightly episode of DT's.

7) Repeatedly dropped second and third syllables of Bushitler.

6) Didn't demonstrate bipartisan objectivity by surrendering microphone to Code Pink protesters.

5) Forgot to acknowledge Democrats' hard work in supporting the troops.

4) Wore medals on chest instead of throwing them over a fence.

3) Tested microphone by saying "I have a plan for Iraq" in mocking, high-pitched John Kerry voice.

2) Careless omission of the words, "failure", "quagmire", and "Vietnam".

And the #1 Democratic complaint about Petraeus's Iraq report (see extended entry):

lolterizt! Part 14

(cross-posted from 9/11 on IMAO)

On this 6th anniversary of 9/11, a thought for terrorists:

We're not terrorized.

We're laughing at you.

From Tom in Knoxvegas:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Edwards's Bold New Plan: Fight Terrorism With Gossip!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

NEW YORK (Reuters) - Last Friday, presidential candidate John Edwards proposed a new international organization that would fight terror by talking about it a whole lot.

"Well *I* heard that not only can't Osama hold a job, he's hung like an acorn, too."

According to Edwards, the Gossip and International Tale Mongerer Organization (GITMO) would "allow members to voluntarily share financial, police, customs and immigration intelligence. Together, nations will be able to track the way terrorists travel, communicate, recruit, train and finance their operations".

"Everyone knows that endlessly bitching about something," said Edwards, "beats the hell out of actually taking concrete action. The ladies know what I'm talking about."

Edwards said his brilliant idea came to him after reflecting on his own life. "It occurred to me," mused the Democratic candidate, "that nothing has hurt my feelings more than finding out that people said mean things about me behind my back. When that happens, I'm WAY too busy curled up in a corner crying to place roadside bombs or fly planes into buildings. There's absolutely no reason to believe that GITMO wouldn't have the same exact effect on terrorists."

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi embraced the plan with great enthusiasm. "As a backbiting old hen of several decades, I can assure you that there is no greater weapon of mass destruction than a juicy rumor when spread by prattling, long-nosed magpies. Even the most powerful man on Earth can be utterly destroyed with a little defamatory scuttlebutting. Like when the Democrats started telling everyone that Bush lied about Iraq, which was an impeachable offense for which he... ok, well, that wasn't a good example, but you get the idea."

President Bush was dismissively unimpressed with Edwards's plan. "We already have a GITMO for combatting terrorism, and unless Silky Pony's crack-headed notion includes big-piped toilets for flushing Korans, it's going to be about as useful as a bucket of warm spit - except without the bucket - just like every other idea that queefing little pansy's ever had."

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards thinks it's weird that all his buddies' shirts button from the right.

John Edwards invented the "Eek! It's a spider!" dance.

Still on John Edwards's "unsolved mysteries" list - why is there always a line of guys facing the wall when he enters a men's restroom?

John Edwards believes that "NFL" stands for "Nightly Fix of Lifetime".

John Edwards once dislocated his shoulder trying to pull apart string cheese.

When John Edwards uses a laptop, his feet fall asleep and start to turn blue.

John Edwards taught Senator Craig the "wide stance".

In college, John Edwards went through a cross-dressing phase and was once caught by his roommate while trying on a pair of men's underwear.

When he got married, John Edwards suprised his parents by keeping his last name.

John Edwards's haircuts cost $400 because he has to buy enough carbon offsets to cancel out trucking in a sufficient supply of hairspray.
[collaborative hat tip: John of Johnalism]

During a Celebrity Boxing match, John Edwards got his ass handed to him by a marshmallow peep.

John Edwards doesn't wear flannel shirts often, but when he does, they're usually knotted at the midriff.

Bonus Facts:

From Jim:
In an attempt to change the impression that he is effeminate, John Edwards has taken to ordering his Shirley Temple WITHOUT the cherry!

From AlanABQ:
John Edwards really does read Playboy for the articles - but ONLY for the articles.

Once long ago, a Monarch butterfly landed on John Edwards' arm & gave him such a severe sub-dermal hematoma, that for years he couldn't go frolicking through the daisies without being mortified by the sight of ANY butterfly.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards had to stop using his Clapper because of the severe bruising he suffered from just using it one time.

From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards doesn't get what's funny about Animal House and Blazing Saddles.

Top Ten Bush Quotes From His Visit To Australia

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Bush stopped by Australia this week to say "Howdy" to one of the few world leaders still in full possession of a spine, John Howard. Here are some quotable excerpts from his trip:

The Australian flag celebrates one of their proudest traditions.

9) "What's the deal with that big ass rock in the middle of nowhere?"

8) "Didgeridoo? Sounds more like a damn washing machine with a bad motor!"

7) "Ever notice how kangaroos look a lot like big, hairy, jumping armadillos?"

6) "Yeah, we have containers of beer this size in Texas, too, except we call them 'shot glasses'."

5) "It's a pleasure to meet you Mr. Howard. By the way, I thought you really got screwed over when you didn't win the Best Director Oscar for Apollo 13."

4) "Is disparaging The Boot still a Bootable offense?"

3) "Love what you've done with the country. Not bad for a bunch of exiled thieves & murderers."

2) "Yeah, I was sad to see Steve Irwin died, too. On the other hand, I had him in the TBIFOC Dead Pool, so it was actually kind of a wash.

And the #1 Bush quote from his trip to Australia (see extended entry)...

President Bush Visits Iraq to Protest War

(cross-posted from IMAO)

BAGHDAD, Iraq (Reuters) - In a surprise move, President George W. Bush made an unannounced trip to Iraq on Monday in order to spread his message of "peace in the Middle East NOW!".

"Give peace a chance or we'll shoot your sorry asses"

"I decided to take a page from those filthy hippies I see all over D.C.," said Bush, "marching around, undermining homefront morale, and generally stinkin' up the place. I thought 'if these sponge-brained mudpuppies really want the war to end, they should probably stop squatting where the bullets aren't flying and start talking to the screwball Koran-thumpers that are doin' the shooting'. Figured I'd start with the man in the mirror, and so here I am."

Wearing an Alanis Morissette wig and festooned with various peacenik paraphrenalia, the President marched amiably through various Baghdad neighborhoods, speaking of peace, love, and the hopelessness of the Islamist cause. He also carried a variety of signs during the day, which bore demoralizing slogans such as "War is unhealthy for children and other living things like stupid terrorists", "If you keep fighting, you'll be dead and America will STILL steal your oil", and "While you're out here fighting, your Imam is home nailing your wife".

Although locals were displeased with Bush's crude, tasteless, and unpleasantly patchouli-drenched display, they did - in an uncharacteristic display of civility - allow him to conduct his protest unmolested.

"While I certainly don't care for either his message or his aroma," said one local Al Qaeda member, "there's not much I can do about it. After all we DO have freedom of speech in Iraq. Or 160,000 well-armed American troops, which is pretty much the same thing."

When asked whether Bush's antics would dissuade him from further belligerence, the insurgent responded, "Absolutely not! I have a deep-seated belief in Allah, unshakable faith in the rightness of Jihad, and nothing will steer me away from my goal of earning my 72 virgins!".

"Except maybe a set of Girls Gone Wild DVD's. Hint, hint."

But What Should We Call It?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Rumor has it that Osama is releasing another "taunt America" video in the next few days. Pretty impressive work for a guy who's been a crimson stain on a Tora Bora cave wall since 2001. But regardless of which malnourished wino they slap the fake beard on this time around, the fact remains that this flick needs a catchy title. I suggest one of the following:

* Osamablanca

* Osama's List

* It's an Osamaful Life

* One Flew Over Osama's Nest

* The Maltese Osama

* Osama Like it Hot

* O.T. The Osama-Terrestrial

* Dr. Osamalove

* Osamalypse Now

* Osama Side Story

* A Streetcar Named Osama

* Snowsama White and the Seven Dwarves

* A Clockwork Osama

* The Sound of Osama

* Osama Without a Cause

* Raiders of the Lost Osama

* Vertigosama

* Close Encounters of the Osama Kind

* The Silence of the Osamas

* Osama Gump

* Dances With Osamas

* Mutiny on the Osama

* Osama Rider

* My Fair Osama

* Osamafellas

* Osama Fiction

* Guess Osama's Coming to Dinner?

* Osama Doodle Dandy

* Osamadeus

lolterizt! Part 13

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Denver Greg:

From TomG:

From FormerHostage:

From AlanABQ:

From Handsome Bill

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

It's Either This, or Take Up Needlepoint

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Now that Alberto Gonzales has resigned, he'll have a lot of time on his hands. How will he fill it? I speculate thusly:

* Be seen in the same room as Speedy Gonzales to finally quell the rumors about them being the same person.

* Make midnight prank calls to those jackass prosecutors who got so snippy about being fired.

* Team up with Rumsfeld & Rove to form a Rush tribute band.

* No, I meant the rock group.

* Start a grassroots organization dedicated to bringing back the IMAO podcast.

* Keep playing Minesweeper 8 hours a day, just like when he worked for Bush. That game is like CRACK, I tell you!

* Accept the role of the hilariously mis-matched Hispanic sidekick in the remake of "Dirty Harry".

* Hang out in the Home Depot parking lot with the rest of his family.

* Write his obligatory insider tell-all book, tentatively titled "Hasta la Vista, Bushy!"

* Subtitled "Pendejo Estupido"

* See if Fred Thompson is interested in making an Affirmative Action hire.

Bush Declares "We'll Help Iran Get Nuclear Weapons"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a concilliatory statement, President Bush recognized Iran's right to pursue the development of atomic weapons, and promised that the US would be supportive of their efforts.

"Every nation," said the President, "whether a freedom-loving democracy or a dictatorial, Allah-worshipping hellhole, has the right to develop atomic weapons. It is my intent to see that Iran's President Ahmadinejad gets those weapons."

Free nuclear weapons for Iran (some re-assembly required)

"Specifically," Bush clarified, "in the form of a dozen 10-megaton mushroom clouds, which those psychotic Muslim bastards may attempt to reverse-engineer to their hearts' content. Assuming their hearts haven't been vaporized by the intial blast or melted into organic goo by the radioactive fallout."

Addressing criticisms that the US would be acting unilaterally, Mr. Bush explained that the support of Iran's nuclear program would be an international effort. "Israel, for example, has been itching to do some above-ground testing of their fissionables. I've invited them to join in the fun with us. I just hope Ahmedinejad doesn't mind getting a few Jewclear weapons dropped on his front porch."

In a Tehran news conference, Iran's President scoffed at the threat of military action against his regime, saying that "even if they were to decide to do so, they would be unable to carry it out."

Bush responded calmly to the defiance. "I suppose Amedinejad - or 'Amy' as I like to call him - is right. Americans certainly don't seem to have the cojones for a decent war these days. That's why I intend to start with diplomatic pressure. Specifically, economic sanctions. More specifically, a declaration of economic sanctions duct-taped to a 10-megaton warhead."

A still-defiant 'Amy' then mocked America's lack of determination in Iraq. "The political power of the occupiers is collapsing rapidly," he said. "Soon, we will see a huge power vacuum in the region. Of course, we are prepared to fill the gap."

A completely unimpressed Bush replied, "Not if we fill the gap with high-energy neutrons first."

Math and Reading SAT Scores Drop, Democrats Rejoice

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - Average scores on the reading and math sections of the SAT test declined slightly this year, indicating that America's teenagers are dumber than ever. This news was greeted by jubilation from Democrats across the country.

House Speaker Nancy Pelosi explained her party's barely-suppressed giddiness. "The fact is, Democrats have nothing to offer the average intelligent, self-sufficient person. All we can do is take advantage of drooling idiots who want to put their lives in the hands of the Nanny State. Our only shot at political power is the votes of people who are too dumb to think for themselves. This time, it's the jackpot. Think for themselves? Hell, these pierced & tatted Avril wanna-be's can barely think at all!"

Ms. Pelosi took time out to dance a merry jig of happiness before continuing. "If current stupidity trends continue - and, like global warming, there's no reason to think this trend could be just a minor statistical blip based on bad data - the US will be solid blue, ocean to ocean, by 2015, which my mathematical skills tell me is an election year. The only obstacle currently standing in our way is the fact that the word 'vote' is longer and more difficult than 'cat' or 'dog'."

However, some people objected to being called "mega-tard-tastic" just because of piss-poor standardized test scores. Miss Teen USA contestant Lauren Upton (Miss South Carolina) explained her point of view:

Afterwards, Ms. Pelosi danced another jig.

lolterizt! Part 12

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Handsome Bill:

From Ron Rockstar:

From George K (with a hat tip to Sondra K)

From Doug (via Steve):

From Chris:

From AlanABQ:

From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts":

From Hazel:

From FormerHostage:

From Bob in Feenicks:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Obama Vows to Rebuild "Chocolate City"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

NEW ORLEANS (AP) - In a speech Sunday, Presidential candidate Barack Obama promised to make re-building New Orleans his top priority, saying that he would restore the promise of America's "Chocolate City".

Obama stands in front of a scale model of the Chocolate Waterfall that will become a centerpiece of the new New Orleans.

"It's been two years since Hurricane Katrina devastated New Orleans," said Obama, "and President Bush has done nothing to restore this city to its former glory. I will change all that. In order to cut through the red tape of re-building, I will eliminate the cumbersome bidding process and instead award the construction contracts to whichever company finds the lucky 'Golden Tickets' hidden under the wrappers of Chocolate City Candy Bars."

"To further speed up the process," continued Obama, "we will eliminate all requirements for expensive union labor. Instead, my plan calls for the importation of the entire Oopma Loompa tribe. These small but energetic workers will get the job done in half the time of worthless Teamsters or lazy Mexicans."

"Finally, Lake Pontchartrain will be filled with delicious, creamy cocoa, while the levees will be re-inforced with millions of Snickers Bars," said Obama, drooling slightly with hunger. "I believe this will give America the Chocolate City of its dreams. A city where delicious sweets - whether red, yellow, brown, blue, or orange - will be able to live together in harmony, regardless of the color of their candy shell."

Arizona School Suspends Student for Drawing "A Really Crappy Gun"

(cross-posted from IMAO and as seen on Google News)

MESA, Arizona (AP) - Officials at an Arizona school suspended a 13-year-old boy for sketching what looked like a gun, saying it was quite possibly the worst thing ever created by human hands.

Could the recent flooding in the Midwest be caused by angels looking at this horrible picture and crying?

Payne Junior High Principal Karen Martin said the boy deserved to be suspended for his talentless artwork. "Worst drawing I've ever seen. My 3-year-old does better than that with fingerpaints, and he's a retarded epileptic."

"When I first saw that picture," said Martin, I thought, 'What the hell IS that? A 5-eyed mutant with a moustache? An elephant that got caught in a hydraulic press? A cubist zeppelin?'."

"When another student told me it was a gun, my response was, 'Yeah... a really CRAPPY gun!'. At this point I decided to suspend the talentless little twerp, since there was no point in wasting more public funds on someone who has no future beyond maybe drawing pathetic stick figures on the internet or something."

School District spokesman Terry Locke said that - although the crude sketch wasn't actually a threat according to the school's zero-tolerance policy where "possession or threatening use of any weapon, real or simulated, is strictly prohibited" - the inherant artlessness of the image "constituted a violent threat to the aesthetic sensibilities of the student body. This garbage makes Ted Rall look like freakin' Rembrandt."

The boy's mother, Paula Mosteller, supported the school's decision. "At first I was angry that they seemed to be singling my son out for no good reason. Then I got a look at that abomination he created. YEESH! I mean, is the trigger guard wearing a necklace? Why are there shark's teeth at the end of the barrel? It's got all the accuracy and realism of a Michael Moore documentary."

"I'm so ashamed that he's my son," Paula concluded sadly. "I should've had my tubes tied 14 years ago and spared the world the misery of this drawing's existence."

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards cant resist jumping into the flame wars on the "Downy vs. Snuggle" message boards.

John Edwards invented cocaine so that he could stay up all night admiring himself in the mirror.

John Edwards's cell phone ringtone? "It's Raining Men".

John Edwards's first action if elected President? Installing an all-Streisand karaoke machine on Air Force One.

John Edwards once spent three days tied to a chair after accidentally spraying himself with Silly String.

BONUS FACTS:

From Jim:
John Edwards believes that the three biggest issues facing America today are: poverty, health care, and split ends.

A review of John Edwards's legal career proves that he can do what no other current candidate can do... embarrass lawyers.

From Matt:
John Edwards' turning point against corporations was when he narrowly lost out to a soft, anthropomorphic teddy bear for the the title of the "Snuggle Soft Dryer Sheet Mascot." "Edwards Soft" has since become the measure of just how soft someting can be -- making newborn kittens extremely jealous.

John Edwards lost his role to the Pillsbury Doughboy mostly due to the fact that he was unable to stop giggling uncontrollably when poked in the belly button.

If the US forewent spending 6 Million Dollars on rebuilding Lee Majors in 1974, invested half of it's government budget on R&D, and recruited the brightest minds from around the world, we STILL wouldn't have the technology or capability to create a bionic representation of the glamour and lusciousness of John Edwards' hair.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards invented the Caboodles make-up organization case.

John Edwards has his own kitten factory, where cats are specially bred to be the softest in the world, and they have no paws at all to scratch him with. Shhh... don't let PETA find out.

John Edwards keeps his loose change in a jewlery box his Nana bought him. When you open it, there is a spinning ballerina.

Funniest thing about the ballerina is that he had his Jr. year prom dress replicated from it.

Tony Snow - Trying to Make Ends Meet

(cross-posted from IMAO)

White House Press Secretary Tony Snow says he'll be stepping down from his position due to 'financial considerations' - i.e., his $168,000 salary wasn't enough to live on.

As a professional blogger, I can certainly sympathize with the difficulty of trying to make ends meet on a measly 6-figure paycheck.

Still, the more I read about the story, the sorrier I feel for Snow, because apparently he's not let pride stand in his way when it comes to taking odd jobs (and worse) to help supplement his income. Things like:

"Please, kind reporters, can't you spare just a LITTLE change?"

* Returning Ted Kennedy's empties for the deposit.

* Mowing the White House lawn in a Speedo at Laura Bush's request.

* Which is nothing compared to the "favors" he's been doing for Pelosi, who responded to queries about the deal with "Hey... there are some... things... that Paul simply will not do. And a woman has certain... needs".

* Following Bill around and e-mailing "bimbo reports" to Hillary.

* Covertly collecting new entries to be published in "Bushisms, Vol. 6".

* Browbeating YouTube into taking down all those "Drunken Jenna" videos.

* Placing personals ads on SodomiteConnections.com for John Edwards.

* Murdering hobos to keep a fresh supply of human hearts ready for Dick Cheney, just in case.

* Although rumor has it he sub-contracted that one out to Glenn Reynolds.

* Doing a little time in the "subservient chicken" outfit.

* Being Marion Barry's third-shift crack-mule.

* Drop-shipping pit bulls to a mysterious buyer in Virginia known only as M. V. Ick.

Obama Vows to Ease Cuban Embargo

(cross-posted from IMAO)

MIAMI (AP) - Democratic presidential candidate Barack Obama criticized President Bush's Cuba policy, and promised to roll back the extra travel and financial restrictions added by Bush.

In 2004, Bush changed US law so that Cubans in the U.S. can only visit the island once every three years and can only send quarterly remittances of up to $300 per household to immediate family members. Previously, they could visit once a year and send up to $3,000.

Obama said he would rescind those policies, and hinted that other changes might follow.

Obama demonstrates how he will crush Castro's windpipe.

"I want to make it easier for Cuban-Americans to visit their loved ones," said Obama. "In fact, I want to make it easier for ALL Americans to visit Cuba. When I am elected President, my first act will be full legalization of travel to Cuba. Starting with 100,000 heavily armed American troops."

"Let's face it," Obama said, "it's just downright embarrassing to have a commie dictatorship 90 miles from our border. JFK totally screwed the pooch on the Bay of Pigs invasion in '61, and it's WAY past high time we put a band-aid on that bloody nose and went back in, swinging like Mike Tyson & ready to eat some ears. Or at the very least, spraying napalm like Smaug doing a spit-take."

"Now, I have a firm 'no nukes' policy," clarified Obama, "but I never said anything about chemical or biological weapons. There's a time and a place for mustard gas, and if Cuba ain't it, I don't know what is."

"Once Cuba is a cratered ruin and the Gulf of Mexico flows red with the blood of degenerate Commie swine," Obama concluded, "there would be no further need for Bush's failed embargo policy."

lolterizt! Part 11

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Alan ABQ:

From Brian Thorn of Java With "Joe Bag of Doughnuts"

From Five-Pillars:

From FormerHostage:

From Hazel:

From Erik Wit:

From Starfox5253:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

John Edwards Contines to Fight War on Poverty

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - Reacting to Barack Obama's tougher stance in the War On Terror, presidential candidate John Edwards has declared that, if elected to the nation's highest office, he will launch a new offensive in the War on Poverty. Specifically, he vows to target people who have defaulted on their high risk mortgages.

"You better pay up, or Vito over here will be breaking your kneecaps."

"There is a greater terror than insurgents with roadside bombs," said Edwards, "and that's low-lifes who don't make their mortgage payments on time. If elected president, I will fight against those who betray the trust of the subprime lenders by hitting them where they live - literally - and foreclosing on their houses."

"Unlike naive and inexperience candidates who talk tough on fighting foreign wars, yet have never left Iowa, or Indiana, or Idaho, or whatever stupid 'I' state they come from *cough*Senator Obama*cough*, I have significant experience fighting this particular war. I've made almost half a million dollars working for a company that specialized on getting deadbeats out of houses and back on the streets where they belong. I don't just TALK tough on poverty, I knock the shiftless bastards around, too."

However, some critics question his credibility on this issue. The company doing the foreclosing (Green Tree Servicing) was only a small subsidiary of the company Edwards worked for (Fortress Investment Group), implying that Edwards's involvement in the actual foreclosure process was merely indirect at best.

Edwards challenged that assertion.

"I don't like to brag, but I personally dragged a 67-year-old Katrina victim out of her house by the hair, flung her down into the mud, kicked her a few times & told her to start paying her damn bills on time before we had to get REALLY rough with her," said Edwards with an air of great accomplishment. "That 'I was in a hurricane' crap may get sympathy on the evening news, but I've got a hair stylist to pay. I want my damn money. I can't buy haircuts with excuses."

Not to be outdone, Senator Hillary Rodham Clinton outlined her own "War on Poverty" agenda over the weekend. "When I'm elected President," said Clinton, "I plan to organize a new Cabinet-level 'Department of Collections' which will draw from some of the most prominent members of the Italian-American Legitimate Businessmen's community. They will 'help' those who might have 'accidents' if they don't pay their creditors by the end of the week. America's poor have some nice families, and it would be a shame if anything were to 'happen' to them."

[Hat tip to IMAO reader Cathy for that first link]

Petraeus Says He Will Propose Cutting Troops

(cross-posted from IMAO)

BAGHDAD (AP) - The top American commander in Iraq said Wednesday he was preparing recommendations on cutting troops before he returns to Washington next month for a report to Congress.

"The fact is," said Gen. David Petraeus, "there are simply too many troops in Iraq right now, and I have no choice but to recommend massive reductions in personnel. We simply have to be realistic."

"Look at all the troops there," he said, "Iranians, Al Qaeda, local Shiite insurgent groups, and even some disgruntled Baathists. These bastards have to go, and soon."

Gen. Patraeus, moments before knifing an Al Qaeda propaganda operative

"My plan is to reduce the foreign troop levels by shooting them, bombing them, or - if need be - even cutting the troops like a drunken Mexican with a razor blade. Truth be told, it doesn't matter HOW we take these suicidal Allah-worshipping sons of bitches out, but doing so will be my top recommendation to the President."

When asked whether American troop levels will be cut, Petraeus responded by punching the enquiring reporter smack in the eye and then administering several vicious spleen-kicks to the journalist as he lay on the ground, screaming.

After letting loose with a torrent of language that would make Howard Stern blush like a Catholic schoolgirl, the General elaborated further on his views.

"You blasphemously ignorant suck-weasel! We've spent the last four and a half years sweating, bleeding, and dying in Iraq to keep ungrateful, traitorous malcontents like you safe from terrorists, and you've got the unmitigated gall to suggest that we cut and run instead of killing more of the enemy? Just exactly how far up your ass IS your head, anyway?"

"You don't win wars by running away," explained Petraeus, "you win them by making your enemy dead. Dead! Dead! Dead!"

"Hell, even a semi-hydroencephalitic Liberal Arts major like yourself should be able to figure THAT one out."

After the mangled wreck of the reporter was carted off to an emergency room, the General concluded by clarifying his remarks.

"So... no."

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards doesn't play jumprope, since there's no rope thin enough for him to jump over without tripping.

John Edwards is actually a lesbian trapped in a lesbian's body.

Halloween was invented by John Edwards so that he wouldn't ALWAYS have to wear something over his fairy princess costume.

Sequined fur coat, candelabra, Liberace CD's blaring - just another football Sunday at John Edwards's house.

John Edwards just can't stop thinking about what it'd be like to lick the sweat off of Bruce Willis's head.

John Edwards was once possessed by a demon and kept uncontrollably vomiting unicorns & rainbows.

John Edwards SWEARS that there's no such thing as a "twist-off" bottlecap.

There isn't a hooker in the world who wouldn't sell her soul to have John Edwards's perfect, round little ass.

Bonus Fact: Estimated street value of John Edwards's perfect, round little ass: $10,000.

Bonus Bonus Fact: 10 cartons of cigarettes in Attica.

BONUS FACTS:

From Lethbridge & Stewart:
John Edwards sulked in a darkened room for three days when he heard Reese Witherspoon was the new face of Avon.

From Jim:
It takes John Edwards three times as long to shave as the average man. This isn't because his beard is heavier but because he has to also "hit the pits" and those areas around the knees and ankles can be so gosh darn tricky.

From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards believes that there are two Americas: one where there are Islamofascists, Dick Cheney, and George W. Bush, and another one populated by fluffy bunnies, cuddly kittens, and darling lambs.

John Edwards sued his high school because he wasn't permitted to perform "The Good Ship Lollipop" in the annual talent show, although really he was just pissed that he wouldn't be able to wear his Shirley Temple costume.

John Edwards Fabulous Facts - Too Adult For IMAO

Nude photos of John Edwards show he was never circumcised, as his clitoris is clearly visible.

Bonus Fact from Jim:
John Edwards cannot say the word "penis" without giggling.

Bush Spends Weekend "Messin' With Froggy's Head"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

KENNEBUNKPORT, Maine (Reuters) - President Bush appeared invigorated after inviting the recently-elected French President Nicolas Sarkozy to his Kennebunkport vacation home where he spent the weekend playing spiteful practical jokes on and cruelly taunting France's leader as revenge for French political activities during the run-up to the Iraq War.

"Well, that swishy little girl Chirac never had the guts to face me in person, so I figured I could get a little payback outta Sarkozy," said President Bush. "I sweet-talked him into coming up to my house and just started messin' with Froggy's head."

Bush suckers France's naive president with a joy buzzer.

"First thing I did was hand him a hamburger, waited until he bit the edge, then told him, 'Whoa, there, Pierre! That's not how we eat a burger in America! Ya take the top bun off, then start lickin' the meat.' Would you believe that idiot actually started DOING it? I'm totally putting that one up on YouTube!"

Bush then took a verbal swipe at the visiting dignitary. "Just like eatin' an Oreo, ain't it? You DO have Oreos in France, right? Oh... wait... the only black & white things you have over there are the burnt out shells of cars after Muslim riots".

Sarkozy, embarrassed, said nothing.

Bush continued to goad. "Come on Sarky, it's not THAT bad. At least you smelly grape-stompers still got your national health care, right? Say... does that include air-conditioners now, or are you guys planning on roasting a few thousand more old people this year?"

After nightfall, Bush stopped the verbal barbs in favor of some old reliable frat-house pranks. "It was sorta like those 'Messin With Sasquatch' commercials," said Bush, "except hairier and smellier."

"In one night," bragged the President, "I pulled the shaving cream in the hand trick, dipped his other hand in warm water, and woke him up with a bag of flaming dog poo."

"I ain't had this much fun since I tricked Putin into wearing a dress," grinned Bush. "That picture's EVERYWHERE now."

"It was a great time," concluded the President. "I may have lost Blair as my poodle, but now I've definitely made Sarkozy my bitch."

Whaddya Mean "Just"?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

I'm kinda irked that Obama said that our troops are "just air-raiding villages and killing civilians" in Afghanistan.

Like it's not important or something. I mean it's not like the terrorists are going to pick up the slack if we don't do it.

But the fact is, the US military has got a lot on its plate over there in the 'stan. Here are some of the jobs our boys are expected to do every day:

* Throw candy at kids and not laugh when it bounces off their foreheads & makes 'em yip & go cross-eyed.

* Nod, smile, and make polite listening noises while natives blather on and on about their pointless, unimportant lives. Thank God we've got married men over there.

* Participate in a game of Buzkashi with the locals because - ever since Rambo III - the natives think ALL Americans love playing dead-goat-polo. Damn you Sylvester Stallone!

* Scour the poppy fields for lions, dogs, little girls, scarecrows, and some guy who looks like Jet Jaguar.

* Take turns leading Osama Bin Laden around on a leash in his secret prison cell.

* Oh HELL yeah. We've had him in custody since 2001. Anyone who thinks otherwise probably thought Paul was dead back in '66, too.

* Keep "accidentally" lobbing shells across the border into Iran, just to keep Ahmadinejad twitchy.

* Learn enough Pashto to say "I am not Rambo". Damn you again, Sylvester Stallone!

* Throw terrorists into leftover Russian minefields and see how far they bounce. Sorta like live-action Kitten Cannon.

* Hack into the Taliban's web site and change the front page to something like:

Jackass.

lolterizt! Part 10

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From FormerHostage:

From Sir Andrew of GOPedia:

From HandsomeBill:

Two from Erik Wit:

PRODUCTION NOTE: When creating lolterizt! pictures, please caption with either black or white text, as colors like red and yellow tend to blur badly when I compress the images.

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

John Edwards's Indian name is "Hands Like Squaw".

John Edwards uses an entire roll of toilet paper at once, since those perforations were obviously designed for Superman to tear.

John Edwards doesn't eat oatmeal for the same reason he doesn't eat marshmallows - too darn spicy!

John Edwards once caused an entire Gay Pride Parade to stop in its tracks because everyone had to pause to silence the "pegged high" alarms on their gaydars when they went by him.

If John Edwards mistakenly walks into a women's locker room, nobody will say anything. Except maybe to offer him a fresh tampon.

In high school, John Edwards was regularly beaten up and had his lunch money stolen by Napoleon Dynamite.

John Edwards started life as an orphan who was raised by wolves - pansy-ass, effeminate wolves.

BONUS FACTS:

From WSMS (lifted from the comments to this post because it tickled me so, and I wanted to share):
John Edwards is so delicate he has his wife crush up his Midol and feed it to him with a speculum.

From Richard:
The Powerpuff Girls were originally the John Edwards Girls, until John's lawyer sued for defamation of character, claiming John would never be that violent.

From John:
Angelina Jolie denies that she endorsed John Edwards for president, saying she would never support somebody prettier than she is.

From Chris:
For John Edwards, the phrase 'haircut' has two meanings. One costs him hundreds at a salon. The other results in a trip to the ER to get stitches after touching a puppy that wasn't fluffy enough.

John Edwards failed his audition for the Little Rascals because his perfect, pretty hair just didn't look "rascally" enough. Said the director, "If we ever make 'Little Faggots', we'll call ya."

John Edwards' favorite Glade Scented Candle is 'Plain'. The other ones make him dizzy from the fumes.

John Edwards is so soft because Fred Thompson 'tenderized' him.

Toilet paper engineers are working 'round the clock to create a product that is John Edwards soft.

John Edwards is taking notes from How Stella Got Her Groove Back for another run at office.

That famous Kim Carnes song was originally titled "Johnny Edwards Eyes".

When John Edwards gets that sad, puppy dog look, even Fred Thompson starts getting a little misty.

From Anonomouse Reader:
John Edwards was breastfed... till he was 7.

John Edwards has to "go commando" when he wears white slacks, because his mom taught him that panty lines are undignified.

From Silicon Valley Jim:
John Edwards's high-school classmates used to throw him fully-clothed into the shower in the boys' locker room, until they found out that he enjoyed it.

The only person who lifts the toilet seat at John Edwards's house is the maid.

John Edwards is really disappointed that there won't be an official Halloween party in San Francisco's Castro District this year, because it means he'll have to think up another excuse to hang out there.

Just Something I've Noticed

(cross-posted from IMAO)

There are certain words that are dead giveaways for liberal propaganda organizations:

"people"
"community"
"movement"
"empowerment"
"world"
"global"
"ecosystem"
"organic"
"tomorrow"
"natural"

But the biggest red flag?

"Voices"

Liberals are always VERY concerned with making sure all "voices" are heard.

You'll note that Conservatives NEVER use the word "voices". They'll say "opinions".

Other people concerned about hearing voices:

* Bag ladies
* Lunatics
* Serial killers

Not saying there's a connection, just noting the similarity.

Although it wouldn't hurt to cross the street if approached by a journalist, just to be on the safe side.

Oh, to Be a Fly on the Wall During This One

Although technically still at war - since they only have a cease-fire & not a peace treaty - South Korean President Roh Moo-hyun and the North Korean dictator Kim Jong Il are now scheduled to begin a 3-day summit meeting on August 28th in the North Korean capital of Pyongyang.

If we could bug the place - which I'm sure 'lil Kim will do anyway - here's a few choice phrases I'd suspect we'd hear:

* "Who ordered the Dachshund, lettuce, & tomato sandwich?... oh... well... then who DIDN'T order one?"

* "Love your hair! Who's your poofer?"

* "Look, why don't we just settle this thing with a game of 'DMZ Frisbee'?"

* "You rook ronery...[BANG!... *thud*]"

* "You want to buy nukie for cheap?... No, I mean the atomic weapon..."

* "Hey Kimmie! Tootsie called... she wants her glasses back!"

* "Beer bong! Chug! Chug! Chug!"

* "Please, Roh, don't tell the Americans that we've discovered oil here."

* "Don't sweat it, Kim, it's not like Americans could find North Korea on a map, anyway."

* "So... how's your Dong working these days?"

[BANG!]

[*thud*]

lolterizt! Part 9

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Josh:

From Starfox5253:

From Lethbridge and Stewart:

From Sir Andrew of GOPedia:

From AlanABQ:

Two from Erik Wit:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

That's Quite An Impressive List!

Interesting headline at Yahoo News: "Congress recesses amid Democratic achievements".

And you thought they were a do-nothing Congress.

Let's take a look at what they've accomplished:

* Promoted alternative energy programs, like Iranian nuke plants.

* Fought global warming by jetting around the country in private planes, talking about what a menace SUV's are.

* Set a record for Congressional approval ratings. It may be a record low, but it's still a record. Don't be so judgmental!

* Made Grandmotherly cleavage fashionable again.

* Making the rich pay their fair share by raising the minimum wage high enough to price low-skilled teenagers out of the job market.

* Yeah, I'm not really sure how that one works, either.

* Suckered a lot of gullible Americans into believing that the phrase "we can't win" is more applicable to Iraq than Democrats.

* Kept Republicans from making criminals out of people who break immigration laws.

* Created the most ethical Congress in history by requiring that all illicit funds kept in home freezers be labeled "meatloaf" instead of "bribes", thus thwarting investigators... unless they like meatloaf.

* Drank Ted Kennedy under the table (Ted Kennedy only).

More tax cuts & dead terrorists.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* John Edwards was rejected for the lead role in The Wizard of Oz for "not being butch enough to play a convincing Dorothy".

* Those plants with the white, fuzzy nubs on the stems used to be called "Edwardswillows".

* John Edwards became a complete gym rat after buying a membership at Curves.

* John Edwards does not brush his teeth because he knows that the plaque will just wrestle the toothbrush away from him and beat him up with it.

* Best part about becoming President for John Edwards? Writing "1600 Pennsylvania Avenue" on his Cosmo subscription renewal card.

* After John Edwards dies, Elton John will write a special version of "Candle in the Wind" for him.

* In John Edwards's hands, a satchel full of explosives would, technically, be called a "purse charge".

* When John Edwards asks you to pour him a double, it means he wants you to put TWO little umbrellas in it.

Bonus facts from Silicon Valley Jim:
* Now playing on John Edwards's video iPod - "I Enjoy Being a Girl".

* After John Edwards graduated from law school in 1977, he was undecided as to his career path. He eventually chose to become a trial lawyer after he failed in his audition with the Village People.

New York Times Addresses Budget Issues

(cross-posted from IMAO)

In a cost-cutting move, the New York Times will be reducing the width of its pages to 12 inches from 13.5 inches. Rumor has it that this is only the first in a planned series of cost-reducing and revenue-enhancing steps the paper plans to take. Other rumored changes include:

* Run weekly positive article about the mob to reduce protection money expenses.

* Stop using ink-intensive word "insurgents", switch to more economical "dudes".

* Papers will be delivered at no cost by Jehovah's Witnesses, since they're stopping by your house anyway.

* More front page naked PeTA protester stories.

* Reporters will now be paid with bags of Purina Journalist Chow.

* Online edition to sell animated "Cheap Viagra! - Click Now!" ads.

* Subtle product placement in headlines, like "Iraq War Miserable Failure, Unlike Pepsi in Latest Taste Test".

* Start a blog - those things are a gold mine!

* Train handicapped employees' helper-monkeys to steal office supplies from the Wall Street Journal.

* Ditto for the ones on the typewriters randomly cranking out the editorials.

* Board of Directors must light cigars with 50's instead of 100's.

* Study Master Pimp revenue collection techniques for use on paper boys who skim.

* Daily change sweeps of the Times Building lobby couch cushions

Al Qaeda's "Big Surprise" Video: A Review

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Well, that's 54 seconds of my life completely wasted.

Points to consider, terrorist dudes:

If you're trying to scare Americans, shouldn't the threats be written in English?

Also, if you're trying to impress Americans with your technological craftiness, shouldn't your CGI be at least as good at that found in, say, Tron?

Why does the video threaten America with rockets? Is that supposed to be a credible threat? You losers couldn't even bring your own planes to 9/11.

Nice footage of ground explosions. And by nice, I mean "lame". American kids get bigger blasts with Mentos & Diet Coke.

About the "word + word = other word" formula... not working. Americans are only frightened by complete sentences.

What's with all the question marks? Are you trying to terrorize me or tell me how to get free government money?

OO! Scary terrorist leaders!... yeah, whatever... Heck, George Burns was more menacing.

Look! A picture of a flaming American! And it's not John Edwards!... Personally I think this "burning man" picture is WAY better:

This one's cool, too:

As for the whole "Soon... God willing" theme... eh... it's nothing new. Americans say that every Friday about 4:45.

By the way, that background music... the Arabic version of Jefferson Airplane's "White Rabbit", maybe?

Obama: "Kill 'Em All!"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a shocking reversal of his previous anti-war rhetoric, presidential candidate Barack Obama told his audience at the Woodrow Wilson International Center for Scholars that his revised foreign policy will be to kill all terrorists, regardless of where they're located.

"That one in the spotlight, he don't look right to me. Get him up against the wall!"

"It was weird," said Obama, "I was just standing there shaving this morning, when it hit me like a Supreme Court Justice's seizure - Holy crap! Terrorists are trying to kill us! Suddenly I understood what I fool I've been for so long. Well, no more. No more diplomacy, no more chit-chat, no more Edwardsfooting around. From now on, all I can say is 'kill 'em all & let Allah sort 'em out'"!

"Why are we playing little 'pretend co-operation games' with terrorist safe-havens like Pakistan, Iran, and Saudi Arabia," said the Senator, his eyes blazing with genocidal fire, "when we've got 30,000 nukes just itching to turn these homicidal maniacs into radioactive shadows on rubble?"

"If elected," he continued, "I will finish the job that President Bush so timidly started. We won't give the terrorists the opportunity to strike at us, because I will transform their nations into barren, lifeless wastelands before they can say 'Allah Akbar!"

"The President of the United States has the authority AND the responsibility to protect this nation," cried Obama, his voice rising with passionate determination. "There is only one means at our disposal that will fulfill this mandate. I will rain fire and death upon our enemies! None who oppose us shall survive! All shall perish in the cleansing atomic holocaust of flame! The seas will boil! The skies will be filled with Islamic blood! The time of judgment is nigh! All hail the coming Barackalypse!"

At the conclusion of his bold statements, a pin was heard hitting the floor in the back of the room before cheers suddenly erupted from the assembled multitude, as from a single, powerful throat.

One attendee - who would only identify himself by the obviously false name of "Frank J." - remarked, "Wow! And I thought *I* was a lunatic for suggesting that we nuke the moon to consolidate the world's fear of the United States! This Barack guy is a stone-cold Armageddon FREAK! I love it!"

"Screw Fred Thompson," said Mr. 'J', "Obama's got MY vote!"

Sending 19,000 Additional UN Troops to Dafur "Best Idea Ever"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

NEW YORK (AP) - In a stroke of strategic brilliance, the UN has authorized the deployment of 19,000 new peacekeeping troops to the troubled Darfur region of Western Sudan, nearly quadrupling the current multinational force of 7,000 already on station.

Ban Ki-moon about to receive an "unprecedented-military-genius-five" from an admiring supporter.

"The decision to send additional armed forces into a war-torn area" said UN Secretary General Ban Ki-moon, "is a move that's utterly unprecedented in the history of modern warfare. Only a sophisticated military genius such as myself could have thought of it."

French UN Ambassador Jean-Marc de la Sablière hailed it as "the best idea ever for putting a stop to civil unrest", saying that "it's too bad nobody else ever considered a similar option, because - even though I'm not a gambling man - I'd gladly bet my bloated government stipend that this decision is a sure winner."

Britain's Ambassador, Sir Emyr Jones Parry, was in complete awe of the plan. "it's almost as though the troops will be 'surging' into the area," noted Parry enthusiastically, "shooting the bad guys and protecting the innocent. You'd have to be either ignorant, dishonest, or some sort of subversive traitor to pretend this isn't the intelligent way to go."

Although completely unconnected to the decision, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi called a press conference to lavish praise on this startlingly original plan.

"I'm not usually in favor of anything even remotely war-like," said Pelosi," but... DAMN!... how can you NOT love this? Freakin' BRILLIANT!"

"It's a crying shame," she concluded glumly, "that none of America's war strategists were imaginative enough to dream up something like this. We could've actually had a shot at winning this war. Pity our only way out now is to cut our losses, slink home, and lick our wounds."

He Said THAT?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

The Top 10 Gordon Brown quotes from the Bush-Brown summit:

"When you said 'tee time', I was thinking Earl Gray"

10) "Um... no, I can't help you get Harry Potter's autograph."

9) "Let me check... yes, yes I *do* have some Grey Poupon."

8) "Do you have any that ISN'T made by Lipton?"

7) "YOU think they smell bad? Try living across the Channel from them sometime!"

6) "Don't tell anyone, but the Queen actually died years ago. We replaced her with a Queen-shaped robot manned by Kenny Baker."

5) "Got any blasphemers against Allah you want knighted?"

4) "Please stop introducing me to people and saying 'what can Brown do for you?'"

3) "You can play Yakkity Sax if you want, but I'm not going to get up and chase you around the room."

2) "Tell me more about this 'reverse cowgirl'."

And the #1 top Gordon Brown quote from the Bush-Brown summit (see extended entry):

I Heard Robert Byrd Won "Best Costume" For His "Grand Wizard" Outfit

House Speaker and 67-year-old grandmother Nancy Pelosi has been voted the #4 Most Beautiful Person on Capitol Hill.

Seriously.

Personally, I don't understand the result, but since I hate mysteries, I'll just take my best guesses about how this might have happened:

Enik says: Nancy's hot!

* Her roughly tanned skin locked up the leather fetishist vote.

* Power is a strong aphrodisiac, and so - apparently - is undermining the war effort.

* Ballot box stuffed by people who are irresistably attracted to pointy, plastic noses.

* Let's just say she took some "cinematic tips" from Paris Hilton, and let you Google it from there.

* Voting done entirely by blind people. Turns out Nancy is actually stunningly attractive in braille.

* Poll reflects opinions of Arab men who voted according to how much better she'd look in a burka.

* Should've been Al Gore. Stupid butterfly ballots!

* You have to admit that it's darned impressive that a 67-year-old woman had the stamina to sleep her way that far up the list.

* In her own way, Nancy IS "beautiful". Just like she "supports" the troops.

* Uncaught typo led to ballots reading "hideously disfigured Sleestak-looking freak" instead of "beautiful".

* It was a reward for NOT participating in the swimsuit competition.

* GILF is the new MILF

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* It's not that John Edwards *isn't* afraid of the dark, it's just that he's even MORE afraid of night lights.

* John Edwards ninja-like dexterity allows him to knit, crochet, and needlepoint simultaneously.

* John Edwards envies the way Rosie O'Donnell simply oozes machismo.

* John Edwards does not fear the Mafia, because he knows that if they ever put a hit out on him, he can just cry his way out of it.

* John Edwards once tried to take candy from a baby. He spent the next month wearing oversized sunglasses and telling people he "walked into a door".

* During a recent bike ride with Lance Armstrong, John Edwards said, "the biggest problem is my butt hurts. Is that normal?".

Man, if I had a nickel for every time he's said that...

[Hat tip to Shimauma of Moonbunny's Comics for the link]

Bonus fact from Frank J.:
At Democratic debates, John Edwards always complains about Hillary leaving the toilet seat up.

Bonus fact via American Digest and Esquire magazine, John Edwards is:

Fabulous Fact Bonus Reader Challenge:
John Edwards - ballet... make the connection in the comments.

Democrat Calls Republicans "Jihadists", Muslims Offended

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - During remarks about how Republicans may cause a government shutdown by sustaining President Bush's vetoes of Democrat-sponsored spending bills, John W. Olver, (D-Mass.), chairman of the House Transportation-HUD Appropriations Subcommittee, referred to Republicans as "Jihadists". Muslim groups responded with outrage at the comparison.

Muslims thrilled at having something new to bitch about.

"Jihadists are noble warriors in a just cause," said CAIR spokesman Ibrahim Hooper, "while Republicans are nothing but money-grubbing, Jew-loving kafirs! Well, maybe not Jew-loving, since no on ACTUALLY loves the Jews, but they're unquestionably Jew-likers, and that's bad enough."

"When Allah's faithful seek to fund a war," Hooper continued, "they don't snivel over 'spending bills'. They just hit up their oil-rich neighbors for some greenbacks. If the Republicans were true Jihadists, they'd be getting money from Saudi Arabia or Halliburton."

Republicans were also quick to take umbrage at the name-calling.

"I can't believe," said Republican House Minority Leader John Boehner, "that jackass Olver had the gall to compare us to murderous thugs who kill people with explosive vests. We're Republicans, for crying out loud! We'd use guns."

Responding to the controversy, House Speaker Nancy Pelosi issued a rare public apology of behalf of the Democratic Party.

"I regret that Congressman Olver's remarks may have been misinterpreted. The Democratic Party has nothing but admiration and respect for ALL races, creeds, and explosive preferences. We mean no insult to the loving and peaceful religion of Islam or its courageous and holy soldiers."

"After all," she continued, "we're both on the same side in this war. We're both committed to the goal of removing American troops from Iraq as soon as possible. No sense in bickering over a little thing like whether 'dead' or 'alive' would be preferable."

"Now that I've offered this humble apology on behalf of the Democratic Party," concluded Pelosi, "I hope the brave and honorable Muslim warriors of the world will seriously consider killing us last."

Chee-had!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently, the Transportation Security Administration announced that a cell phone charger taped to a block of cheese was found at an airport in someone's checked bag.

As a result of this discovery, the TSA has issued a warning to be on the lookout for suspicious combinations of food and non-food-related devices. Here's a partial list of things to become alarmed about:

Victim of cheese-related terror.

* iPhone stuffed in a haggis.

* Fig Newtons in a Van De Graaff generator

* Palm Pilot perched upon a pepperoni pineapple pizza.

* Giant pumpkin concealing a Borg Queen

* Hungry Man frozen dinner with a Hemi

* Universal remote control covered in a suspicious - yet delicately flavored - saffron-honey glaze

* Bacon, lettuce, and Nintendo cartridge sandwich

* Wii controller tucked inside a Twinkie

* BlackBerry pie

* Blackened Cajun DVD player

* "Chunky" Peanut Butter that's actually creamy peanut butter with tiny diodes.

* Det cord and meatballs

Soccer Celebrations Provoke Insurgent Attacks in Iraq

(cross-posted from IMAO)

BAGHDAD (AP) - Two suicide car bombings struck soccer fans in Baghdad as they were celebrating Iraq's victory in the Asian Cup semifinal on Wednesday, killing at least 50 people and wounding more than 100, officials said. Insurgents say they will keep up the attacks until soccer fans agree to withdraw from Iraq.

Iraqi soccer players succumb to drowsiness during a recent inaction-packed game.

Insurgent leader Abu Hamza al-Muhajir explained, "soccer is strictly forbidden by the Koran, which clearly says 'kick not the ball of roundness, for it is an affront to Allah, and boring as hell to boot.'"

"Even if it were not strictly forbidden," al-Muhajir continued, "the game is very un-Muslim, as it involves neither beheadings nor mutilation. Hockey would be a much more fitting sport, if the Koran didn't also forbid ice."

Also cited as an issue is the composition of Iraq's soccer team, which contains Kurds, Sunnis, and Shias, all working together in harmony. "Where is the hating? Where is the killing?" asked al-Muhajir incredulously. "Iraqi children watch this game! They are being infected by its subversive message of tolerance. This 'sport' is unclean, like pigs and Jews, and those who follow its games must be eliminated for the glory of Allah."

Congressional Democrats held a similar view. "The fans of Iraqi soccer should withdraw immediately," said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. "Iraq's team will eventually lose, causing their disappointed followers to wail 'just wait until next year' like a bunch of pathetic Cubs fans. I'd hate to see anyone condemned to such a horrible fate."

President Bush, however, remained steadfast in his support for Iraqi soccer fans. "Even though I think that the most exciting part of soccer is watching the grass grow under the players' feet, the American people applaud the courageous Iraqis who can manage to stay awake and even feign interest in what is, after all, a little girl's game."

On the Bright Side - No Cubicles

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Why have dozens of Iraqis stopped working in low-level positions for Al Qaeda? Is it because they don't want their faces cut off with piano wire, or is there something more? After dilligent research, I've discovered there are actually a variety of reasons:

* Tired of asking customers, "you want IED's with that?".

* Insanely high co-pay for doctor visits involving bullet removal.

* Annoying woman at corner desk constantly ululating to herself.

* Sick of being reminded about the damn TPS report cover sheets.

* When hired, they were lied to about the 401(k) including a 73rd virgin.

* Every five minutes, have to stop working to shake sand out of the keyboard.

* Cards in Windows Solitaire not in Arabic.

* Soda machine constantly out of Mecca Cola.

* Only management is allowed to drive company camels.

* Stray goats keep wandering in off the street and eating the timecards.

* Have to provide own beheading knife.

* Not allowed to take a personal day to stand in line for new Harry Potter book.

* Office secretary no longer falling for the old "my 43rd wife doesn't understand me" line.

* Stray, timecard-eating goats protected by company sexual harrassment policy.

lolterizt! Part 8

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Samuel:

From Gordon:

From Chris:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

From Tyrant Rex:

From Erik Wit:

Two from Sir Andrew of GOPedia:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

America Can't Win the "War on Steam"
An Editorial by Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

During New York's Wednesday rush hour, a steam pipe exploded, killing one person and injuring 44.

Incidents such as this make it obvious that the only sensible course of action is to withdraw from America's insane War on Steam.

President Bush's Hitler-like scheme of rounding up steam and putting it in concentration camps - or "pipes", as he euphemistically calls them - is a dismal failure. It does nothing but anger the steam and cause it to lash out uncontrollably, as it did in New York, spewing a "dirty bomb" of carcinogenic asbestos into the air. We don't have to ask "why does steam hate us?". The answer is obvious - because America is a brutal, oppressive country with no rights, whose only goal is to prevent steam from living free.

The Bush Steam Doctrine of "contain, concentrate, condense" is absurd and unnecessary. When left unmolested, steam lives up to its name as "the vapor of peace", seeking only to be left alone to expand or contract inversely proportional to its pressure in accordance with the sacred texts of the Prophet Boyle.

It's only Bush's fascist policy of trying to maintain complete control over steam's movement that has brought this current horror upon us. To be truthful, we deserve it. Who are we to judge the rightness of wrongness of our moist and gaseous fellow-travelers on Spaceship Earth? Should we consider ourselves "superior" to warm, dissipated moisture?

Hardly.

The time has come to admit our failures, both military and moral, and stop treating innocent steam with an automatic assumption of guilt. We must release the steam from the "pipes" we've confined it to and let it roam freely.

The only sensible course of action is to bring our plumbers home, and end our government's policy of cruelty. It's time to withdraw from the War on Steam.

America must stop trying to be the world's teakettle.

---

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Boiling Mad: Stihad in America" and "Hot & Wet: A Pictoral History of Steamy Love Scenes".

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* You can always count on John Edwards for sympathy and advice if you have that "not so fresh" feeling.

* John Edwards never uses the missionary position because he hates being on the bottom.

* John Edwards is hung like a horse... fly.

* During a debate, you will never see John Edwards pound the podium to emphasize a point lest he break a nail.

* Before attending law school, John Edwards briefly considered becoming a gynecologist so that he could do self-exams.

* Since watching "Mrs. Doubtfire", John Edwards can't stop thinking about getting himself a "woman suit".

* Let's hope he never watches "Silence of the Lambs".

* John Edwards wishes he were Superman - mostly for the tights.

* Despite his constant undermining of the war effort, John Edwards secretly wants the US to win the War on Terror because he thinks he's look awful in a burka.

* When John Edwards plays golf, he wonders why his buddies always tee off from WAAAAAY back there.

Bonus facts from reader Matt:
* John Edwards understands the Pet Shop Boys on a level that nobody else ever will.

* John Edwards is banned from the First Response Home Pregnancy Test factory because his mere presence turns all of the test sticks pink. Although it could be because Fred Thompson's mere presence actually impregnates the women.

* John Edwards believes in global warming because "Whew, is it getting hot in here or what? You boys wanna take them shirts off?"

* John Edwards uses the "No More Tears" shampoo but cries anyway. Not because it stings, but because he gets wistful at the thought of his hair losing its perfect form while he washes it.

* John Edwards fears Boy George really wants to hurt him.

Just When You Thought They'd Hit Bottom, Out Come the Shovels

(cross-posted from IMAO)

According to the latest Gallup Poll, Congress's approval rating has sunk to a historic low of 14%.

In order to help put that into perspective, here are a list of things that - as of this week - are now more popular than Congress:

* Fungus

* Boils

* Burnt toast

* Drunk drivers

* Drunk dialers

* DMV employees

* Personal injury lawyers

* Hangnails

* Hangovers

* Spammers

* Yipping Yorkies

* Simpsons Trivia

* Gas Prices

* Geico (among cavemen)

* Susan B. Anthony dollars

* Retaining water

* Boy Shakira

* Stepping in poo

* Blue Screen of Death

* Power outages

* Voldemort

* Nose hair

* Soap scum

* Earwigs

Iraq's 18 Benchmarks Reviewed

(cross-posted from IMAO)

You may have heard about the "18 benchmarks" that are being used to judge progress in Iraq, and how only 8 of them have been met.

Here's the official scorecard:

Goal: Reconciliation with former Baathists
Unsatisfactory - When choosing sides for company soccer games, Baathists still being chosen last.

Goal: Reducing the level of sectarian violence and eliminating militia control of local security
Unsatisfactory - Still a lot of fighting between those who believe Allah "tastes great" and those who believe he is "less filling".

Goal: Provide Iraqi commanders with authority to go after insurgents and militia, whether Sunni or Shia, without political intervention
Unsatisfactory - Although Shias are getting the Sunnis and Sunnis are getting the Shias, nobody is doing a damn thing about the mimes.

Goal: Increasing the number of Iraqi security forces units capable of operating independently
Unsatisfactory - Everyone just stands along the wall, staring at their feet, unless US soldiers start dragging people onto the dance floor.

Goal: Disarming militias
Too soon to judge - They're trying, but it's kinda hard when every Tom, Dick, and Mohammed has more weaponry than Keanu Reeves in the lobby scene.

Goal: Raising Iraqi brigades to support operations in Baghdad
Satisfactory - Although the only "combat experience" some brigades have is selling Burka Scout cookies.

Goal: Establishing joint US-Iraq security stations in neighbourhoods across Baghdad
Satisfactory - Thirty-six such stations have been fully established and 32 other Dunkin' Donuts shops are under construction.

Goal: Amnesty for insurgents
Too soon to judge - Still trying to settle debate on whether "amnesty" should mean "immunity from prosecution" or "a bullet to the head".

Goal: Election reform
Usatisfactory - Too many provinces are still relying on "butterfly ballots". 47 elected offices now officially held by Pat Buchanan.

Goal: Political support for Baghdad security plan
Satisfactory - The Iraqi government has appointed teams of scantily clad cheerleaders to root for both US and Iraqi soldiers.

Goal: To deny Baghdad as a safe haven for Al-Qaeda and insurgents regardless of religion
Satisfactory - Al-Qaeda cleared out. Still some minor canvassing by Jehovah's Witnesses.

Goal: Ensuring that the Iraqi security forces are providing even-handed enforcement of the law
Unsatisfactory - Women are still able to cry their way out of speeding tickets.

Goal: Fairly allocating and spending $10 billion in Iraqi revenues for reconstruction
Satisfactory - Every home in Iraq now has one of those wooden "Grandma bent over in the garden" things.

Goal: Introducing laws that would allow autonomous regions
Satisfactory - Iraqis are now permitted to build a treehouse and enforce a "no girls allowed" policy.

Goal: Constitutional review and reform
Satisfactory - Recent amendment provided for binding dispute-resolution between Baghdad and regional authorities via Rock-Paper-Scissors.

Goal: Protect minority political rights in the Iraqi legislature
Satisfactory - Iraqi legislature now rates a solid "9" on the "Tiger Woods Family Reunion Diversity Scale".

Goal: Passing an oil law
Unsatisfactory - There is no oil left in Iraq to distribute, since it's all been stolen by Bush, Halliburton, and JOOOOOS!

lolterizt! Part 7

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

Reference link for that last one

From Trinity:

From FormerHostage:

From Tyrant Rex:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

Two from Erik Wit:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

New Jersey Petition Proposes Toy Cigar Ban for Politicians

(cross-posted from IMAO)

TRENTON (AP) - After a New Jersey senator proposed a bill making it illegal to give or sell a toy gun to a minor, New Jersey citizens began circulating a petition to ban the ownership of realistic-looking toy cigars by politicians.

"The margin between a politician's stupid mistake and a tragic ending is far too thin," said Scott Bach, who's spearheading the petition drive, "only 22 votes in the Senate, as I recall."

Just too darn dangerous for politicians!

Bach started the petition in late June and hopes to pressure the New Jersey legislature to pass a law this fall. He said the movement stems from an incident in Washington, D.C., where a highly-placed elected federal official was impeached after playing "hide the Cohiba" with an intern.

"A politician once used a real cigar to precipitate a constitutional crisis that very nearly brought this country to its knees - the part that wasn't already in that position, I mean," said Bach.

"We need to stress to our politicians that cigars are not sex toys, but an adult recreational indulgence which should always be enjoyed with extreme caution and handled without lascivious intent," Bach said. "Restricting access to imitation cigars will help drive that point home."

Adultery rights advocates in the legislature plan to fight.

"It misses the mark because it demonizes toys instead of criminal behavior," said Senator Nicholas Scutari, who serves as chairman of the New Jersey Association of Dirty Old Elected Men (DO 'EM).

If the measure is enacted, New Jersey would join several other states that have restricted access to realistic toy cigars for politicians.

New York, for instance, got Wal-Mart in 2003 to stop selling toy cigars not imprinted with the words "for external use only". The retailer has also agreed to stop selling toy cigars in skin-toned colors such as black, tan, and peach and paid $200,000 in civil penalties.

Bach's proposal would make it illegal to sell or give to any elected official an imitation cigar, which is defined as anything "reasonably capable of diddling a chubby intern."

Bach said the move would help police and independent counsels figure out whether a cigar is either fake or real, but Scutari said it would be an intrusion upon cheap plastic novelty retailers and consenting adults.

"This bill seeks to intimidate retailers of even crappy carnival consolation prize-like items rather than to address the bad acts of politicians who use imitation cigars in furtherance of sexual adventure," Scutari said. "An intern who gives a politician a toy cigar would be guilty under this legislation."

"Sometimes a toy cigar," said Scutari, "is just a toy cigar, even if it DOES make a great marital aid."

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* Before entering politics, John was known as Edwards Spice.

* Until they met John Edwards, the Klingons had no word for "manicure".

* The phrase "useful as a screen door on a submarine" will eventually be replaced by "useful as John Edwards in a presidential race".

* John Edwards was kicked off "The Price is Right" for screaming at the merchandise models, "That's not how to gesture towards a prize! Do it like THIS, you graceless cow!".

* You can always count on John Edwards for sympathy and advice if you have that "not so fresh" feeling.

* John Edwards will not use cotton balls because they give him carpet burns.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]

* John Edwards was the original model for the international "women's restroom" symbol.

[collaborative hat tip: reader Chris]

BONUS FACTS:

from Matt:
You know that antiperspirant that's strong enough for a man but pH balanced for a woman? It gave John Edwards second degree burns.

from Chris:
John Edwards gets erotic nightmares about Nintendo's Kirby.

from Silicon Valley Jim:
* The inventor of the My Little Pony toys got the idea after seeing John Edwards in a courtroom.

* The $1,250 bill isn't just for John Edwards's haircut. It also includes his Brazilian wax.

* When John Edwards was in high school, he would stay home and cry for a week every time he had a pimple.

Bonus bonus fact from me:

* He still does.

President Killed Non-Violently; Wished Into Cornfield

(cross-posted from IMAO)

DALLAS (AP) - In a keynote speech at the International Women's Peace Conference, Nobel Peace Prize recipient Betty Williams told the crowd of 1000 people, "Right now, I could kill George Bush...[applause]... No, I don't mean that. How could you nonviolently kill somebody? I would love to be able to do that."

President Bush, shortly after being non-violently killed by peace activist.

Through some unknown means - possibly a combination of vigorous applause and fairy dust - Williams's wish was apparently granted, as the President died through non-violent means shortly afterwards. Specifically, by being turned into some sort of spring-loaded children's toy.

When informed of this, Williams appeared embarrassed and quickly wished the late president into a cornfield near Peaksville, Ohio. The audience appeared to approve of her decision, as many of them were heard to say "It's GOOD that Betty killed the president", "Yes, it's a REAL good thing that Betty did", and "Oh GOD! Please don't kill us, Betty!"

Ms. Williams appeared to recover rapidly, though, testing out her newfound powers by non-Constitutionally impeaching Vice President Dick Cheney. House Speaker Nancy Pelosi was immediately sworn in as president, with her hand, non-believably, failing to burst into flame when she placed it on the Bible to take her oath of office.

Visibly drunk with power, Williams proceeded to non-thievingly rob a bank, non-fatteningly eat 3000 Twinkies, and non-sexual-relationally 'Lewinsky' Bill Clinton.

She concluded her speech by saying "now that I've fulfilled my every wish on Earth, I will non-rocketly fly to the moon," which she did to a standing ovation from the delighted crowd.

The moon itself was, non-surprisingly, nuked shortly afterwards by blogging tycoon Frank J. of IMAO, who had been non-sanely threatening to do so for some time.

lolterizt! Part 6

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Serr8d:

From Tyrant King:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy

From Former Hostage:

Two from Erik Wit:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

Al Qaeda's Response?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Al Qaeda second-in-command Ayman al-Zawahiri says the group is reparing a "precise response" to Britain's decision to bestow a knighthood on author Salman Rushdie.

Unfortunately, he neglected to say what Al Qaeda's response might actually be, which means we'll have to settle for wild speculation:

* Naming all their goats "Elizabeth".

* A ceaseless campaign of stealing cars and parking them in tow-away zones.

* Infecting Britain's water supply with Mad Crumpet Disease.

* Refusing to address Sir Paul McCartney as anything other than "the Ivory guy from that one Stevie Wonder song".

* Calling Prime Minister Gordon Brown up every day and asking if Hugh Jass is there.

* Flushing "Monty Python and the Holy Grail" DVDs down the toilet.

* Waiting until Prince Charles is asleep and then putting his hand in a bowl of warm water.

* Making another James Bond movie with Timothy Dalton.

* Organizing a Spice Girls Reunion tour.

* Leaving duffle bags in the London Underground containing open copies of "The Big Book of British Smiles".

* Continuing to savagely attack the tendons of Glasgow cabbies with their balls.

lolterizt! Part 5

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Erik Wit:

From Tyrant Rex:

From Jason:

From cadetwithchips2:

From D:

From SondraK via Beth:

From Beth:

From FormerHostage:

Send your submissions to lolterizt-at-gmail.com and - if they aren't obscene (IMAO is a PG-13 site) and don't suck too terribly bad - I'll post them for you. Remember to include your name (and blog URL, if applicable) so I know who to thank.

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* Sesame Street's Ernie traded in his rubber duckie for a squeaky plastic John Edwards.

* Silk was invented to allow women to feel as soft and smooth as John Edwards.

* John Edwards has never understood what that stupid zipper on the front of his pants is for.

* WARNING: To avoid being attacked by John Edwards, do not wear Tag Body Spray.

* The holy grail of botany is to develop a rose whose petals have the dewy softness of John Edwards.

* Every year for Lent, John Edwards forgos the pleasures of a woman's touch, with the obvious exception of when he bathes himself.

* Some politicians inspire bi-partisanship. John Edwards inspires bi-curiosity.

* It's not true that John Edwards wouldn't hurt a fly, it's just that he couldn't.

Bonus facts from reader Chris:
* You know that thing that gorgeous women do in movies where they walk towards a diving board, drop the robe to show off a bikini, dive in, swim to the other side, then come out of the water and shake their hair - all in slow motion? Not to ruin it for you, but John Edwards invented that move.

* John Edwards was once treated in the emergency room after receiving a large gash in his hand from a jet puffed marshmallow.

Bush Responds to Al Qaeda Video with "OO! I'm So Scared!" Video

WASHINGTON (AP) - In response to the video from Al-Qaeda's #2 - Ayman al-Zawahri - calling on Muslims to unite in Jihad, President Bush today released a video of himself pretending to be frightened by the threat.

Bush begins the video by standing in front of the desk in the Oval Office, saying, "Oh no! I've angered the crazy Muslims and now they're going to jihad me!" in a voice almost Shatneresque in its degree of melodramatic overacting.

"Help me! I'm terrified! BWAHAHAHAHA!"

"OO!" continues the President, making cartoonish nail-biting gestures, "I'm SO scared! Whatever shall I do?"

Bush then dashes around the room, flapping his arms like a little girl or John Edwards, while trying and ultimately rejecting various hiding places, such as under the desk and behind the curtains. In one scene, he retrieves a hand towel from the Executive Washroom, places it over his head and declares "Please don't hurt me! I'll be a good girl and wear my burka!" in a high-pitched voice.

"Look at me! I'm a Muslim now! I've got a hostage!" the President continues, chasing his dog Barney around the room with a letter opener while making exaggerated stabbing motions and shouting "Allah Snakbar!" "Hollah Hacksaw!", "Cheese-a Crakar!", and "Walla Walla Washington!"

Bush then flops into his office chair, giggling hysterically.

"Please don't threaten me anymore! The terror is just too terrifying!" he says between snorts of laughter. The President then does a Macaulay Culkin "Home Alone" imitation, screaming "AAAAAAAAH!" while holding his hands to his face before falling to the floor, guffawing helplessly, as the camera fades to black.

The video ends with Bush saying over the black screen "Oh man, I think I wet myself... better have Mitt Romney come in and hose me off," which trails off into more laughter as the clip finishes.

Aren't There Better Uses for That?

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama set a new fundraising record in the second quarter by pulling in $32.5 million, bringing his total for the year to $58 million.

Since Democrats are forever gloating about all the lefty goodies they could've bought with the money spent on the War on Terror, I think it's only fair to remind them of all the things they could've bought with those Obama campaign donations:

Is Obama REALLY worth not having this?

* 116,000 kevlar helmets for baby seals

* 3,411,000 metal spikes to put in trees for wrecking lumberjack chainsaws

* 10,000 new roofs for Palestinian ambulances with perfectly circular holes from Israeli rocket attacks.

* 252,000 giant paper-maché Bush puppets for burning at protests.

* 19,000,000 gallons of gas for Harry Reid's SUV so he doesn't have to walk across the street.

* 29,000 sensitivity training classes to help cure blacks of their homophobia.

* 210,000 shopping carts for the homeless.

* 2,857,000 inner tubes for illegal aliens.

* 145,000 haircuts for John Edwards.

* 400 if you include the cost of hair spray.

* 4500 face lifts for ugly feminists.

* 18,770,000 jars of urine for NEA art projects.

* 263,000 wedding cakes with two grooms on top.

* 1,300,000 bongs (strictly for medicinal purposes, of course)

* 116 TV commercials to promote a concert that'll raise $10 million dollars for AIDS research.

* 830,000 acoustic guitars for playing "Kumbaya" while setting fire to giant paper-maché Bush puppets.

* Enough carbon offsets to cancel out 3 days worth of Al Gore jetting around the country to discuss the perils of Global Warming.

lolterizt! Part 4

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Erik Wit:

From Andrew:

From Pupster:

From Beth of MY Vast Right Wing Conspiracy:

From Chris:

From FormerHostage:

It's Even Worse When Your Dog Weighs 120 Pounds

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to PeTA ringleader Ingrid Newkirk:

* wind
* weather
* speed
* vulnerability
* isolation
* extreme stress
* torture

Causes of diarrhea in dogs according to dog owner Harvey:

* drinking out of the toilet
* eating out of the garbage can
* picking "tootsie rolls" out of the cat's litter box

Anyway, I wonder what all these angry, "animal loving" people would be saying if Seamus had been inside the car with Mitt, his wife, and his five pre-teen sons when he started having "bowel issues"?

California Needs To Hurry Up and Fall Into the Ocean

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Hitler Cat says: You will support the California Pet Sterilization Law!

Apparently, allowing the impure mongrel races to breed uncontrollably puts an unacceptable burden on the state, and the question of what to do about it needs a final solution.

Wouldn't it just peg the irony meter if their Austrian-born head of state signed this one into law?

Domesticated Terror: The Feline Threat

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Is your cat a terrorist?

Recently, DNA tests have confirmed connections between American housecats and Saudi Arabia - home of 15 of the 19 Sept. 11th hijackers.

If you have a cat in your house, you should immediately raise your terror alert threat level to red (severe risk of terrorist attacks) and watch for the following signs that your cat is in league with Al Qaeda or other international terrorist organizations:

* Ignores balls of yarn; loves balls of det cord.

* Purrs by making a "ULULULULU!" sound in his throat.

* Faces east while catching mice, i.e. preying toward Mecca.

* Leaves poop on top of cat litter, but eagerly buries weapons caches.

* Pelts women with hairballs if they're not wearing burkas in public.

* When you question him about recent terrorist attacks, he responds in gibberish and pretends not to understand English.

* Never shaves his whiskers.

* Fires rockets at your computer monitor every time you read a post by Laurence Simon.

* Insists that you call him "Yusef Islam".

* Pees on your copy of "The Satanic Verses".

* After catching a mouse, he plays with it for several days, then videotapes himself biting its head off.

* Used to work as a baggage handler at JFK airport, and currently appears disgruntled.

* Continually denies the dog's right to exist.

* Complains to Amnesty International when you put a leash on him.

* Eats around the bacon-flavored pieces of his Meow Mix.

* Sharpens his claws on an American flag while chanting "Meow Meow Akbar!".

* Hides IED's by the bird feeder.

* Takes his catnip through a hookah.

* Poses for Reuters photographers.

* IS a Reuters photographer.

Let the Guilt-Ridden Navel-Gazing Begin!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

A recent Pew survey shows that only 25 out of 47 countries queried have a favorable opinion of the US, so it's time once again for another round of "why do they hate us?" from the hand-wringing mouth-breathers of the left. And of course, the drool-cupped, short-bus-riding Marxists will flap their arms like demented penguins and screech that it's because we're a bunch of Muslim-killing war-mongers.

Idiots.

Offing terrorists is a FEATURE, not a bug. If some people can't appreciate that - like the filthy, baby-killing Palestinian orcs who gave Osama bin Laden a 57% favorable rating - I can only assume it's because they're a degenerate pestilence masquerading as human beings as they squat in their third-world rat holes.

Or French.

Whichever.

Still, I'm open-minded enough to admit that there MIGHT be other reasons that people might have for hating America besides the usual excuses of being afflicted with spongiform encephalopathy or Islam.

Like these:

* The phrase "Hey! It's our old friend Smilin' Bob!"

* Everything Paris Hilton has ever done except THE VIDEO, and probably that, too.

* Cancelling Firefly.

* The middle of "Pirates of the Caribbean: At World's End".

* "To continue in Spanish, press 2".

* Being so confusingly similar in appearance to harmless Canadians.

* The permanent scarring from the Bill-Monica-cigar mental image.

* Fran Drescher's voice.

* 20 years of letting the Olsen twins put their ugly, troll-doll faces in front of the camera.

* Every Ron Popeil product and their respective commercials.

* Not going all the way to Baghdad in '91.

* The lines at Disney World.

* That New Jersey smell.

* Ronald McDonald, Michael Jackson, and other creepy guys who wear make-up and want to be around children.

* Political humor blogs that inexplicably start posting Simpsons Trivia questions EVERY SINGLE DAY for months.

* Ewoks, Jar-Jar, Midi-chlorians - pretty much everything George Lucas did after 1980.

* Plus the Star Wars Holiday Special

* Minus the Robot Chicken Star Wars Special

* Self-righteous hippies who visit your country and tell you how delightful your government is, and you can't argue with them for fear of being thrown into a dark, roach-infested cell and randomly tortured for the next 20 years by said government.

* Heelys kids at the mall.

* Not picking a better name for the Global War on Terror, like "Islamofascist Kill-a-Palooza Fest"

* Not rebuilding the Twin Towers at Ground Zero EXACTLY as they were.

* Or maybe even just a little taller.

* Scary, scary freedom.

Thompson envy.

lolterizt! Part 3

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Once again, pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

From Jennifer:
>

From Psycho:

From FormerHostage:

2 from Erik Wit

From everydayjoe:

What Do You Get For the Senator Who Has Everything?

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Reader Jim suggests that if you've spent the last few weeks beating up your Senators to vote against the Shamnesty Bill, you should also drop them a line to thank them for listening if they were one of the ones that voted the right way.

Good idea, but isn't there more we could do? Like maybe:

* Send a "Thanks for killing the bill" Strip-o-gram.

* Let them stay up past their bedtimes to watch themselves on C-Span.

* De-fuse the bomb wired to their ignition switch.

* Burn the negatives of those compromising pictures.

Any other ideas?

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* Although peacock feathers serve no functional evolutionary purpose, scientists theorize that the birds developed the aesthetically stunning plumage to allow them to compete against John Edwards.

* All the sponges in John Edwards's house have rounded corners to prevent injuries, even though it doesn't always help.

* If John Edwards were any less manly, Ann Coulter would've called him "those two faggots".

* You can't judge a book by its cover or John Edwards by his CoverGirl.

* Fuzzy puppies and fluffy kittens watch John Edwards playing presidential candidate and go "awwwww... how CUTE!"

* Sesame Street's Ernie traded in his rubber duckie for a squeaky plastic John Edwards.

Bonus fact submitted by reader Matt:
* In the TV version of the Incredible Hulk, Lou Ferrigno played Bruce Banner's alter ego. In John Edwards's version, the Hulk is played by a slap-mad Richard Simmons.

Bonus fact from Reader Chris:
* John Edwards watches M*A*S*H and thinks, "They should have cast ME as Corporal Klinger. I'd be much more believable!"

Bonus pic from Ron Rockstar (click to enlarge):

Juvenile, Yet Entertaining

(cross-posted from IMAO)

When you read a fortune-cookie fortune, you should add "between the sheets" to the fortune to make it more interesting

Similarly, try reading these whiny excuses for liberal failure on the Fairness Doctrine vote with "because liberals suck" at the end.

"Air America went bust on a bad business model"

"you've got extremely dumb Democrats that don't understand the value of terrestrial radio"

"If liberals had the clout wingnuts do on radio, the Iraq war would be over by now, because it's clear the people are on our side. We just don't have a loud enough microphone to get the job done."

"blogs can't do everything"

"liberals just got on Armed Forces Radio a little over one year ago. Before that it was all Rush and conservative radio all of the time."

"Liberal action stops before the talk radio engagement, because no matter how good our talkers are they only have a small fraction of the outreach of the wingnuts on terrestrial radio"

"We have two out of three cogs of the machine, while conservatives have all three and have since the early 1990s"

"Because when all cylinders of this machine are engaged the opposition -- that would be us -- doesn't have a prayer"

Liberals own NPR, all the newspapers, and all the TV news (except for half of Fox), and they STILL can't push their agenda through.

Could it be maybe... possibly... that the majority of Americans have rejected liberal ideas because they're wrong, bad, and stupid?

Or maybe it's just...

Well... YOU know.

Iran Rations Islamic Rage

(cross-posted from IMAO)

TEHRAN (Reuters) - Angry Iranians torched pump stations and hurled abuse at President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad's government after the world's fourth-largest exporter of religious fury announced that it was imposing rage rationing.

19 gas stations were set ablaze overnight in Tehran after the government announcement late on Tuesday that rage rationing would start at midnight.

"We are swimming in religious indignation, and all they do is squander it fighting against Americans in Iraq," said taxi driver Hasan Mohammadi. "I'm using the last drop of my rage just thinking about it!"

Iranians squander precious rage for this Reuters photo-op.

Despite huge reserves of anger and acrimony, Iran lacks refining capacity and must import about 40 percent of its rage, most of which currently comes from threats of UN sanctions over it's nuclear program.

Some Iranians scuffled wastefully or even completely blew their few remaining tops, hoping to refuel before rationing began. Others frittered away their fury by chanting anti-government slogans and openly criticizing Ahmadinejad, who came to power two years ago. Ironically, on a promise to share out Iran's wealth of anger more fairly.

"Last night, in addition to setting fire to and stealing property of 19 fuel stations in Tehran, people threw stones and damaged others," said Bijan Haj Mohammadreza, head of the Iranian Fury Ministry. "What a waste. We should be using our precious remaining supplies of rage to chant 'Death to America' while burning flags."

Under the rationing program, citizens will get to pitch 100 fits per month; less, if they also burn with jihad's unquenchable flame. Rationing will be enforced by having all citizens swipe their electronic "conniption" cards through a state-approved scanner before releasing violent emotions.

During Tuesday's thriftlessly extravagant riots, windows in one gas station in the poverty-strickent Pounak section of Tehran were smashed, six pumps wrecked, and walls blackened. State radio blamed "lavish misuse of valuable wrath by traitors and lovers of infidels". Police could not be reached for comment.

Judge Ali Namazi said 80 people were detained in Tehran and transferred to jail.

"These people have wasted their anger on foolishness. Still, I try not to let it upset me, since I need to save the rest of my rage ration for hating Jews."

Democratic Candidates Beg Coulter for Abuse

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Washington (AP) - After John Edwards successfully transformed Ann Coulter's desire to see him killed by terrorists into a fund-raising bonanza, other Democratic candidates have begun vying for a spot on the conservative columnist's hit list.

"I don't understand why Ann hasn't taken a shot at me, yet," said former New Mexico Governor Bill Richardson, "I'm Hispanic for cryin' out loud! Everyone hates Mexicans right now! I'm such an easy target - Fish. Barrel. Bang!"

"So far, "Richardson continued, "I've gotten Carlos Mencia to call me a 'stupid beaner', but that's not exactly paying the bills. If I could only push Ann into calling me a 'dirty spic' or something, I might actually be a viable candidate."

"Hurt us, Ann, hurt us!"

Ohio Representative Dennis Kucinich was equally frustrated, though less hopeful of receiving a caustic Coulter quote.

"I'm really upset about this," said Kucinich, "This is exactly the sort of inflammatory ad hominem attack that my Fairness Doctrine bill is designed to address. If this became law, then right-wing attack dogs like Ms. Coulter would be required to cast her bilious - yet lucrative - aspersions on all candidates equally."

"Sadly, though," lamented Kucinich, "I don't hold out much hope for a dose of her venom. I mean, how do you insult a straight, white guy? Maybe if I'm lucky, she'll call me 'an elf in a bad toupee".

Illinois Senator Barack Obama, however, was quite optimistic about his chances of laughing all the way to the bank courtesy of one of Coulter's uncomfortable-silence inducing "jokes".

"Honestly," said Obama, "how long do you think it'll be before that Nazi ankle-biter drops an n-bomb on me? KA-CHING!"

"But even if she doesn't go that far, I'm fairly confident I'll score at least a 'spear chucker' or 'jungle bunny' before the year is out. That woman's never been one to shy away from calling a spade a spade, if you know what I mean," chuckled Obama.

Frontrunner Hillary Clinton was abrupt and dismissive on matters Coulter.

"With the combined revenue from my books, Bill's books, and the occasional cattle futures investment, I really don't need her help," Clinton said.

"Besides," she added, "if I wanted to hear from a blond bitch, I'd just talk to the mirror."

lolterizt! Part 2

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Some housekeeping first.

It's been brought to my attention that there are "lolterrorists" pictures on the web that pre-date my first "lolterizt" post. I was not previously aware of these. If I had been, I would've given them links to credit them with being an inspiration. Nevertheless, I think the creators deserve a little applause for discovering a great idea on their own.

As for the ones *I* post, it'd be nice if you gave IMAO [or Bad Example, if that's where you're reading this] a little hat tip, but I'm not going to go all Disney-copyright-lawyer on your ass if you don't.

I like ego-stroking as much as the next blogger, but it's FAR more important to me to see murdering bastard terrorists being mocked, demeaned, and belittled as often as possible than it is to get credit for a particular picture.

So pass 'em around, spread the love, and if you make your own, don't be shy about dropping a link to your pics in the comments. The more, the merrier.

Anyway, my current plan is to just post a small cluster every few days until I run out of pictures and get sick of Googling for new images. Not sure how long that'll be.

Meanwhile, here's the next round:

Oh, and that first one is a real pic of Crazy Rosie's kid. I only added the words [hat tip to Laura of Conservative, Dreadlocked, Bitch].

No, I *Didn't* Write This Headline for the Boston Globe

(cross-posted from IMAO)

"Elizabeth Edwards: 'Comfortable' with gay marriage"

Think she's referring to her marriage with John?

No Amnesty For Illegal Liberal Radio!

At the end of the Liberal-Reagan Airwave War, the Limbaugh Treaty clearly established AM talk radio as being the sovereign territory of conservative shows & hosts. Since that time there have been legal procedures in place to allow liberals to appear on radio, but too often, these laws have been flouted. Before examining a real solution, it's important to understand the problem of illegal liberal talk radio immigration.

Stealing jobs - It's often said that liberals are just "doing the jobs conservative radio talk show hosts won't do". At first glance, this seems true, since most liberal talk shows suck and end up at the bottom of the ratings heap.

Conservatives wouldn't want to do that, right?

But the thing is, most of these are low-skill, entry-level positions and would be filled by people just entering the work force. Unlike liberals, conservatives would eventually get better and move up, making room for the next generation.

"I hate America, but I love strangling kittens!"

Crime - Some people claim that "liberals are people, too". Interesting theory, but studies have shown that whenever liberals get illegally involved in talk radio, the crime rate skyrockets. Writing bad checks, stealing from children's charities, strangling kittens... the list of their heinous misdeeds goes on and on.

Welfare abuse - Let's lay to rest the myth of "the hard-working liberal". Most liberals who come to our airwaves illegally waste no time getting on the public dole where they are content to receive fat checks from NPR which they squander on crack, tofu, and hemp-based clothing items.

Disgraceful!

These criminals are aided and abetted by their liberal buddies in congress who propose to "solve" this problem with the so-called "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act", currently being touted by Senator Kucinich (D - Mind Control Space Laserton). I'll spare you all the legalistic mumbo-jumbo. What it boils down to is that it's just amnesty for the liberals who are already on talk radio, plus it reduces the barriers to letting more of them in.

And how will this new crop of tree-hugging patchouli-ferrets get their jobs?

By stealing them from hard working conservatives, that's how!

If that happens, talk radio will once again become the barren wasteland of lunacy it was before conservatives made the ideological desert of the airwaves bloom with laughter, song, and coherant thought.

But don't despair. There's a better solution. We could have REAL reform in four simple steps.

1) Protect the borders. We need to immediately set up fences around our radio stations. Fences with pointy barbed wire, and dog runs between them filled with rabid German Shepherds. And a minefield. Maybe a moat. Moats are cool. And we could put rabbits in the moat. Big, vicious swamp rabbits. Liberals are afraid of rabbits.

2) Mass deportation. Any liberals who are on our airwaves illegally should immediately be deported to whichever liberal arts campus or community college they came from. There they can go back to earing their PhD in Tolkein Mythology Studies or whatever they were working on before they got really stoned one night and accidentally signed up for Broadcast Communications classes. Plus, I hear the McDonald's in the student commons is hiring.

3) Take corporate greed out of the equation. Companies like the Corporation for Public Broadcasting know they can get away with hiring desperate, talentless liberals for pennies a day. There should be harsh fines and penalties for this sort of exploitation.

4) A real path to radio citizenship: learning English. It's simply not fair to radio audiences for them to have to put up with incomprehensible liberal monkey-jabber phrases like "Bush lied" or "global warming" or "conservative media bias". NO one understands what that garbage means! If they can't even master simple English grammar like not using the word "but" after the phrase "I support the troops", they have no business in the communications industry.

Sane, sensible, simple.

And although the illegal liberal problem seems insurmountable, common sense airwave reform IS possible. Contact your Senators and congressmen now and tell them to vote NO on the "Immigration Fairness Reform Doctrine Act".

The kitten you save may be your own.

lolterizt!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

By now you're probably familiar with the lolcats phenomenon, where pictures of cats are captioned with a something best described as a cross between l33t-speak and Engrish.

Or perhaps you've seen the spinoffs: lolbird, loldog, and/or lolhamster.

Well, it just seems wrong to me to be making fun of innocent animals like that.

So I'll be making fun of guilty animals, i.e. terrorists.

Or terizts, as it were:

JOHN EDWARDS FABULOUS FACTS

(a weekly round-up of the daily posts from IMAO)

* If John Edwards went to prison, even Fred Thompson wouldn't be powerful enough to quell the riots over who would get to be his bunkmate.

* When John Edwards's copy of Windows crashes, it displays a "Blue Screen of Hurt Feelings".

* Make up was invented in order to give women a fighting chance to defeat John Edwards in a beauty pageant.

* A recent survey of bunnies show that most of them own a pair of John Edwards slippers.

* If you play the song "I Feel Pretty" backwards and listen carefully, you can hear the sound of John Edwards preening.

Oddly, Running for Vice President in 2004 Wasn't On the List

(cross-posted from IMAO)

New York Magazine recently ran a feature article discussing scientific research on the subtle characteristics that may indicate homosexuality. They listed things such as having a counter-clockwise hair whorl, having a high density of ridges in your fingerprint pattern, and having an index finger longer than your ring finger.

Intriguing stuff, to be sure.

Recently I received a government grant to do my own scientific research on the hidden clues that reveal "lifestyle choice". From that research, I offer the following list of signs that you might be gay:

* If you look at your hand and notice that there's another man's hand in it.

* If it takes you more than three seconds to say the word "fabulous".

* If you have anything in your closet that you refer to as an "outfit".

* With the exception of "orange", if you've ever used a noun (for example, "eggshell") as a color name.

* If you are offended at the suggestion that the word "manicure" is ironic.

* If, when you use the phrase "don't ask, don't tell" to your friends, it's more often as a warning than a punchline.

* If you dance better backwards than forwards.

* If someone mentions Judy Garland and you think of ANYTHING besides "The Wizard of Oz".

* If you've marched in a parade wearing a skirt and it wasn't March 17th.

* If you've ever had sex with a man except for that one time in Tijuana when you were REALLY drunk, and even though you don't remember the incident, your friends all swear it's true, but they're probably lying.

* If you're familiar with the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you LIKE the flavor of sweaty chest hair.

* If you've applied color to your face and you weren't on your way to a football game.

* If you own pink underwear that's the result of a deliberate purchase and NOT a tragic laundering accident.

Taking the Lefties to Humor School (Again)

Gabe & Max from HuffPo try to make fun of the "gay bomb" thing, but outside of "scoliosis toast", I think their whole bit was just off. Here's why:

Problem 1: Overusing the "invisible" reference - While a "running gag" is a time-honored comedic technique, it really only works when you have enough material between uses for your audience to forget about the gag. That way, when you hit the reference again, they go "Ha! I remember that!" instead of "Oh... THAT again". Using it four times in a ten item list is sleep-inducing, at best.

Problem 2: Brevity! - Unless you're in a permalink contest, the key to list humor is brevity, or at least economy of phrasing. Adding endless qualifying phrases is ok ONCE, as a change-up. Using the technique six times in a ten item list bogs down the pace and muddles the timing. It ends up reading like a third-grader's "What I Did On My Summer Vacation" essay.

Problem 3: Brevity! Brevity! Brevity! - Rather than resorting to the amateurish technique of explaining how the weapons work, try thinking like a professional. Use the NAME of the weapon to tell the joke.

Problem 4: END the piece - Don't just let your list peter out and then call it a day. Tack on a little bonus joke at the end to wrap it up in style.

Here's how a REAL web humorist does it:

* Lambada bullets

* Michael Moore super-weight-gainer bomb

* Hippie smell missile

* Ron Paul loony laser

* Can't get the chorus from "Hey, Jude" out of my head grenades

* Restless Leg Syndrome rockets

* Satellite-based wedgie weapon

* French courage gas

* Special Olympics mines

* Portable pit o' ravenous Rosies

* Paris Hilton work ethic ray

* Not-so-fresh feeling cluster bombs

And the most effective hi-tech terrorist-stopper of all:

(see extended entry)

Michael Moore's "Sicko" - Propagantastic!

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Michael Moore's new documentary, Sicko, is a brilliantly executed film work that approaches a difficult subject with an open mind, and delivers its facts with a surprising evenhandedness and absence of bias.

Fine. I lied. If he can do it, so can I.

Still, I have to admit that watching Sicko was an eye-opening experience. Here's just a few of the amazing things I learned:

* There is an acute shortage of human blood in US hospitals, because federal regulations require hospital administrators to drink it in celebration after every denial of treatment to the uninsured.

* Cuba has the best health care system in the world, since it provides a skilled physician from Spain to examine every Cuban President in the country.

* Unlike in America, you'll never see a long line of desperately ill people waiting at a health clinic, since in Britain it's called a "queue".

* Most pharmaceutical companies recycle by making their drugs out of people who died because they couldn't afford to buy the drugs.

* 50 million Americans are uninsured and are at severe risk of paying money in exchange for products and services.

* American health insurance premiums are determined by using a complex array of morbidity & mortality charts, combined with 20-sided dice-throws from a basement full of D&D nerds.

* Britain's health care system is modelled on Canada's. Their dental care system - Alabama's.

* The French not only provide free health care, they also provide free nannies for recovering patients with children. Still working on air conditioners for the elderly though.

* The ultimate proof of the superiority of Canada's health care system? Hospital gowns that completely cover your ass.

* The health care system in place at the Guantanamo detention facility is closer to France's system than America's, since it's full of angry, unassimilated Muslims.

* In order to get decent health care in the US, you first must get abused by a cynical, unshaven doctor with a limp and a Vicodin addiction.

* Unlike in America, a French hospital does not have to charge fifty dollars for a couple of lousy Tylenol, since their currency is the Euro.

IAEA Head: Shooting His Rabid Dog Would Be "Madness"

(cross-posted from IMAO)

VIENNA (AP) — The head of the International Atomic Energy Agency cautioned on Thursday that shooting his rabid pet dog, Mahmoud, over his refusal to stop biting his leg would be "an act of madness," in indirect warnings to animal control agents.

IAEA chief Mohamed ElBaradei also said Mahmoud would likely soon begin chewing close to his femoral artery - the puncturing of which medical experts described as the point of no return in the start of ElBaradei's bleeding to death.

"I only want this leg for peaceful purposes."

However, the head of the IAEA was reluctant to dismiss hopes of a diplomatic solution.

ElBaradei spoke during an emergency meeting of concerned paramedics and local animal shelter workers a gathering that focused on Mahmoud's refusal to heed ElBaradei's demands that Mahmoud should freeze activities that could serve to transmit the rabies virus or possibly cause the IAEA chief to exsanguinate.

Earlier, Mahmoud's savage snarls asserted that he would never suspend the enthusiastic gnawing of El Baradei's extremities — the key issue of paramedic concern, while animal control insisted Mahmoud had no choice but to do so, in comments reflecting the increasingly tense stalemate over the issue.

Even while calling for a negotiated solution, animal control workers — which Mahmoud had snapped at several times between bites of his ElBaradei's calf — have refused to dismiss outright the possibility that they might "just shoot the damn dog" if he refused to back down on limb-shredding and other areas of concern.

But ElBaradei described any use of force as "an act of madness ... (that) would not resolve the issue."

"The next few minutes will be crucial to these negotiations," he said, adding: "although Mahmoud appears to be insane and quite eager to take my life, I believe that we should also consider the possibility that this is merely a peaceful display of affection."

ElBaradei then passed out in a pool of his own blood, while Mahmoud lunged for his jugular. Digusted animal control workers quickly blew Mahmoud's head off, putting an end to the crisis.

Animal rights organizations were quick to condemn the action, suggesting that a UN resolution declaring Mahmoud a "bad dog" would have been just as effective.

Save Our Endangered Terrorists!
An Editorial By Harvey

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently, the Humane Society of the United States protested the 21st Annual Star Island Yacht Club Shark Tournament. The HSUS - a fanatical animal rights organization - was incensed that sharks - which have declined in population by over 80% in the last 50 years - were being festively slaughtered for sport.

Their point being, I suppose, that it's unconscionable to kill vicious, flesh-eating predators if you have fun while doing it.

I have a hard time disagreeing. I mean, why would you NOT want more bloodthirsty, savage, aquatic killing-machines patrolling our coastal waters? Would YOU want to live in a world where it's perfectly safe to swim, surf, and scuba dive near the shorelines of a heavily populated area? I know *I* wouldn't! If nothing else, it helps keep the riff-raff & trailer trash off the beaches. I get enough of those visual atrocities at Wal-Mart, thank you very much!

Yet it seems to me that the HSUS is being elitist, if not downright speciesist, when it comes to choosing which spillers of innocent blood they fight to protect. It's common knowledge that the most dangerous predator on Earth is MAN. Specifically Chuck Norris and Fred Thompson, but other humans have been known to pose a threat on occasion, too.

Lately, the biggest non-Chuck-non-Fred threat to human life has been Islamic terrorists. Why isn't the HSUS doing something to protect them? Not a day goes by that the headlines don't splash the horrific death toll of our precious dwindling terrorist resources. Granted, five or ten splattered Hadjis may not sound like a big loss, but that constant trickle of corpses adds up. Coddling Allah's Islamic Radicals (CAIR) estimates that over 100,000 terrorists have been lost since 9/11, and their remaining numbers keep spiraling downward.

I find this repugnant.

A species is a species and endangered is endangered. Sure, terrorists lack the grandeur of the elephant or the cuddly, photogenic appeal of a Panda bear. And yes, they smell bad, oppress women, and plot the global genocide of all non-Muslims. Hey, they can't ALL be baby Harp Seals! But if HSUS can fight for the rights of an animal that smells like a Red Lobster dumpster in August, why can't it fight for an animal that likes to blow up women and children? At least it's a MAMMAL for cryin' out loud!

The fact is, if we don't stop the insane slaughter of our dangerously fanatical - yet charmingly quirky - Muslim brethren, soon there won't be a single terrorist left alive on earth! I can't imagine the shame of trying to explain to my grandchildren that - because I did nothing - he can only see filthy, butchering Jihadists in picture books or Guantanamo.

Well, if HSUS is going to drop the ball on this one, *I* certainly won't! It's time to get organized! Call your congressman! Call the President! Speak out in whatever forum is available to you! Worst case, start one of web-blob thingies! If you're a hot chick, post naked pictures of yourself on your MySpace page in protest. Or just send them directly to me. Whichever. It doesn't matter, as long as you make your voice heard!

If we don't do something now, there will soon come a day when crazed Islamofascists are just a faded memory, never again to grace our planet with their murderous majesty.

And I can't think of anything more tragic.

Can you?

Harvey is a non-disabled Navy veteran accidentally hired to fill an affirmative action quota at IMAO.us. He is also the author of such books as "Red Lobster: Genocidal Hate Criminals" and "Nude Photography for Righteously Indignant Hot Chicks".

Fun Facts About John Edwards

(semi-cross-posted from IMAO)

In the comments to this post, Ringmaster of The Secluded Circus said:

Harvey, you should do a daily John Edwards sissy fact to counter Frank's Fred Thompson fact!

Which is harder than it sounds

Thompson facts are entertaining because Fred is powerful enough to make the impossible happen

Sadly, this concept doesn't work in reverse.

When Edwards applies his super-wussy powers and makes... well, NOTHING happen, it's just not as entertaining.

Still, I enjoy a challenge, so I came up with a starter list about Edwards:

* In the original version of Snow White, the Evil Queen's mirror answered "John Edwards".

* The reason John Edwards' haircut cost $400? Renting the tungsten carbide tipped jackhammer to break through the hairspray.

* John Edwards uses a Year-at-a-Glance calendar so that he doesn't have to ask for help turning those heavy pages every month.

* John Edwards has no idea what the underside of a toilet seat looks like.

* John Edwards would lose a game of tic-tac-toe while playing x's and given a three-move head start, so as not to damage his opponent's self-esteem.

* John Edwards still carries the scar from where a dandelion seed once fell on him.

* John Edwards went swimming in the ocean and got beaten up by plankton.

* If John Edwards visited the Empire State Building, the island would soon become known as Girlhattan.

* A single drop of John Edwards' blood contains enough estrogen to reverse menopause.

* During a campaign stop at a school for the blind, John Edwards tried reading Braille for a photo-op and broke his finger.

* When John Edwards plays with a Ken doll, it's anatomically correct.

* The vacuum of space is not the absence of matter, it's the overflow from John Edwards' absence of manhood.

* The #1 Google return for a search for "John Edwards"? The Stayfree home page.

* John Edwards is the only person who actually looks MORE macho while riding a Segway.

* John Edwards once failed a high school math test because he hugged the buttons on his calculator instead of punching them.

* John Edwards hates the Easter Bunny because the eggs he leaves are never the same shade of pink as his lip gloss.

* All his papers are signed "Mister John Edwards" so that he can dot the "i" with a heart.

* Teddy bears can't sleep at night unless they're cuddling John Edwards.

* Surveys show that 70% of US children under the age of six believe in both Santa Claus and the Tooth Edwards.

Sexual Harrassment Must Run in the Family

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Would someone please nudge Hillary & tell her that Spielberg's eyes are about three feet higher than where she's looking?

America's 2007 Corn Crop a "Failure", Top Democrats Tell Bush

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - Top US congressional Democrats bluntly told President George W. Bush Wednesday that American farmers' spring planting "surge" policy was a failure.

Senate Majority leader Harry Reid and House of Representatives Speaker Nancy Pelosi challenged the president over this year's corn crop by sending him a letter, ahead of a White House meeting later on Wednesday.

"As many had forseen [sic], the springtime planting of seed corn has failed to produce the intended results," the two leaders wrote.

"The increase in seeds in the ground has yet to produce a single edible ear of corn so far this year.

"This corn is a dismal failure. It's time to pull it out."

"Far from fulfilling its promise of putting steaming, buttery ears on every table, this crazy planting scheme has done nothing so far but cost this country's farmers most of last year's profits, as well as causing them to spend all their time coddling these high-maintenance vegetables.

"Clearing the land, plowing, weeding, fertilizing, irrigating, spreading pesticides and herbicides - not to mention the over 1000 farmers that have lost their lives in unnecessary tractor deaths so far this year - when will the madness end?

"And what do we have to show for it? It's already mid-June and not a single plant has borne fruit. In fact, if these trends continue, it's safe to predict a nation-wide corn famine that will bring this country to its knees."

The letter appeared to preview a fresh showdown over how to raise corn between ignorantly citified Democrats and the President, just a few weeks after Bush forced his foes to strip pre-autumn harvest timelines from a Department of Agriculture budget bill.

Pelosi and Reid told Bush in the letter that they planned to send him new legislation to "limit the attempted growth of corn in the US, begin the phased redeployment of US farmland, and bring the growing season to a responsible end."

The next critical point in the showdown between Bush and Congress over the 2007 corn crop is expected in September, when US Secretary of Agriculture Mike Johanns is due to report on progress in the strategy to let the corn grow until at least October before attempting to harvest it.

However, one senior Republican speaking on condition of anonymity said he expected the president will have little choice but to make adjustments in the harvest schedule, once the report is made public.

"I know Bush means well," he said, "but let's be realistic. Since the spring planting 'surge' began, not one single corn farmer has grown anything but leaves."

"I can't see how another four or five months of continuing to follow this failed policy will lead to anything but more of the same," he concluded.

It All Makes Sense Now

(cross-posted from IMAO)

John Edwards has accused the Republican candidates of being too hawkish, saying he thinks "they want to be George Bush on steroids".

Personally, I think Edwards is Bush on steroids.

Which would explain the testicular shrinkage.

Fred Thompson "On Board" With Edwards' "Marshall Corps"

(Cross-posted from IMAO)

RICHMOND (AP) - In response to John Edwards' plan to "create a 'Marshall Corps' modelled on the military Reserves, of up to 10,000 expert professionals who will help stabilize weak societies," presidential candidate-in-waiting Fred Thompson released a statement saying that he's "on board" with Edwards' vision.

Excited by the possibilities of the program, former Senator Thompson said that he'd like see the concept taken to the next level as soon as possible. The full statement was posted at the politician-turned-actor-turning-politician's blog, as follows:

"'Expanded' Marshall Corp volunteers reach out to at-risk Muslims"

"I am completely on board with John Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' idea of sending bankers, political scientists, and civil engineers into unstable countries to prevent terrorism from taking root. However, I don't think it goes far enough. It should be open to members of ALL civilian occupations, not just a few."

"Here's how I picture it - after joining, the courageous volunteers would shave their heads, spend a few months receiving combat & weapons training, then be deployed to unstable countries to reach out to those who are at risk of seduction by violent extremism. For maximum effectiveness, this reaching out should be done mostly with bullets, grenades, rockets, and other high-velocity/high-explosive projectiles."

"I would call this expanded version of Edwards' 'Marshall Corps' the 'Massively Armed Response to Islamic Nutjob Extremists' or 'MARINE' Corps."

"If this program proved successful - which I have no doubt that it would - it could be augmented with:

    * An off-shore outreach program: Nautical Assaults from Vengeful Yankees

    * A complementary land-based group: Annihilating Radical Muslims - Yippee!

    * And even a 'friendly skies' organization: Attacking Islamic Radicals by Firing Ordnance and Repeatedly Causing Extermination"

"I can guarantee that if these programs are implemented as I've discussed, the Western ideals of peace, democracy, and civilization will be joyously embraced throughout the world."

"And if they aren't... well, then let's just say there's plenty more outreach where that came from."

Enunciating Sunbats of the Iraqiwood Right

(cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the annoyance caused by the barking moonbats of the Hollywood left protesting the war (or even worse - doing their version of "supporting the troops"), I sometimes wonder if the terrorists have this problem.

I have this mental image of freshly-bathed, cleanly-shaven men dressed in business suits & shiny shoes, carrying neatly-lettered signs while standing out of the way of both automobile and pedestrian traffic. I can just imagine what slogans they would use to undermine terrorist morale...

* No blood for Sharia!

* We support our terrorists when they blow up their Imams!

* War is unhealthy for children and other living things that the Prophet Mohammed had sex with!

* Bush is a terrorist - and much better at it than you!

* What if they held a war and nobody came? The insurgency STILL wouldn't stand a chance, that's what!

* Cowardly tools of Iran! Why are you licking Ahmadinejad's boots? Tastes great, or less filling?

* Suicide bombing is stupid! Americans can make munitions faster than we can make babies!

* The insurgency's plan:
1) Set off IED's
2) ????
3) Caliphate!

* America sees more from a satellite than Allah can protect from Heaven!

* Peace now!
Stop the war!
Buy some whiskey!
And a whore!
I really hope the US wins,
'cause they let me have my sins!

* Better to live in Guantanamo than die in an airstrike!

* Either learn to say "I surrender!" in English or "I've been hit!" in Arabic!

* Car-bombing citizens to win popular support is like screwing for virginity!

* Iraq today: Bush's Vietnam
Iraq tomorrow: Bush's Hiroshima

Popemobile Upgrades

(cross-posted from IMAO)

After a recent frightening incident wherein a deranged German man grabbed the back of the Popemobile, Vatican police officials plan to have the vehicle modified to provide greater protection for His Holiness.

In additioin to extra security features, the new Popemobile will also be provided with an array of other upgrades:

* Hands-free Popephone for use when Commissioner Gordon lights the Popesignal.

* New PA system will include "beatbox" setting.

* Feral Australian Kid to retrieve dropped shotgun shells.

* Can now transform into Popetimus Prime.

* Air conditioned glove compartment to keep spare Pope hat refreshingly cool.

* The big car makers are trying to keep this a secret, but it gets 100 mpg and runs on holy water!

* GPS system pre-programmed with locations of all the best pizza joints.

* Red Bull & Vodka - pre-mixed & on tap!

* SCMODS

* "This ride pimped by God" bumper sticker.

* Rebel-flag roof & "Dixie" horn.

* Won't start? No problem! It's got drop-down "Flintstone Floorboards" for emergency take-offs.

* "BNDCT16" vanity plates.

* Engine timing precision-adjusted to make "Chitty-Chitty-Bang-Bang" sounds.

* Brass Bumpernuts

* Silver naked chick mud flaps.

* Rear window sticker of Calvin peeing on a mosque.

I'm thinking it might be worth it.

POSSIBLE HATE CRIME

(cross-posted from IMAO)

Instapundit says that white roofs are better at saving energy.

Isn't he being a little racist?

Paris Hilton - Still Paris, Only More So

(cross-posted from IMAO)

HuffPo's Jennifer Kushell has written one of those quaint, bleeding-heart wish-pieces titled "Ten Good Things Paris Hilton Can Do In Prison".

How cute.

Sadly, though, we all know Paris isn't going to change, so I think it'd be more appropriate to speculate on the

TEN STUPID THINGS PARIS HILTON WILL DO AFTER SHE GETS OUT OF PRISON

1) Put her newly-perfected shank-wielding skills to good use during a knife fight with Lindsay Lohan.

2) Lose a fortune trying to sell her new line of designer orange jumpsuits.

3) Adopt a baby with her new "special friend" Joquanda "Fisty" Jackson.

4) Start bragging about the tunnel she made behind the Raquel Welch poster in her cell.

5) Get kicked out of Victoria's Secret for trying to pay for her purchases with cigarettes.

6) Embarrass herself at the Cabana Club by continually yelling "Shakin' the bush, boss!" from the ladies' room.

7) Launch a new perfume called "Cavity Search".

8) Get matching "P-A-R-I-S" tattooed across fingers of her right hand.

9) Reject slave name and finish process of legally becoming "Paris X".

10) Realize how many doors have become closed to her as an ex-con, say "screw it", and embark on a multi-state armed robbery spree that ends with her getting taken down in a hail of bullets on national TV.

Tuberculosis FAQ

(cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the slipshod, panicky press coverage about the Andrew Speaker's disease-riddled world travelling, there's been a lot of conflicting stories about what the health threat actually is & why you should care.

As a public service, I present the following:

Q. What is tuberculosis?
A. Tuberculosis or "TB" is a respiratory illness caused by a bacterium. It was originally developed by a now-defunct covert agency operating within the Polk administration in the late 1840's as a means of combatting the increasing threat from the Irish Menace.

Q. I thought TB had been eradicated?
A. Almost. Turns out the disease was susceptible to antibiotics and was nearly wiped out in the 1950's. This allowed the Irish Menace to return in the form of Kennedys, nearly destroying America.

Q. Why was TB not eradicated?
A. Because it's still useful. The Bush administration's top scientists developed a new strain of TB that can be used to combat the rising threat from the Mexican Menace. Current plans are to pave all Home Depot parking lots with it if Bush can't pass an Amnesty Immigration Bill to solve the problem.

Q. Can TB really help combat the Mexican Menace?
A. According to testing on illegal immigrants through the INS's "Catch (TB) & Release" program - Yes!

Q. What are the symptoms of TB?
A. Persistent cough, unexplained weight loss, fever, tiredness, and being a filthy little border-jumper.

Q. But Andrew Speaker was white! How did HE get TB?
A. Must have been the Irish strain. Unfortunately, this type is strongly drug-resistant, since Kennedys frequently overuse antibiotics to cure... um... other things.

Q. Should I get tested for TB?
A. Only if you hang out with coughing, skinny, sweaty, lazy brown people. Or Kennedys.

Q. How is TB diagnosed?
A. The only way to tell for sure is to get a chest x-ray, but I think "House" did an episode on it once. Watch that, and if your symptoms match the whiteboard, you've got TB.

Q. Why are poor people more vulnerable to TB?
A. Because poverty is a sign of moral weakness and God is punishing them.

Q. I'm not poor, Mexican, or Irish, but I have TB. Why?
A. Because God hates personal injury lawyers too, Mr. Edwards.

Obama Warns of "Quiet Riot" Among Blacks

(cross-posted from IMAO)

HAMPTON, Va. (AP) -- Democratic presidential hopeful Barack Obama said Tuesday that the Bush administration has done nothing to defuse a "Quiet Riot" among blacks that threatens to erupt just as riots in Los Angeles did 15 years ago.

The first-term Illinois senator said that with black people from New Orleans and the Gulf Coast still displaced 20 months after Hurricane Katrina, frustration and resentments are building explosively as they did before the 1992 riots, prompting Obama to give the following fiery speech:

"Those 'Quiet Riots' that take place every day are born from the same place as the destruction in New Orleans. We look around that once-fair city and see the rusted-out hulks of cars everywhere. The 'Metal Health' of New Orleans is in a sorry state. We are tempted to abandon you, New Orleans, yet we 'Don't Wanna Let You Go'."

"We love that city, but thanks to Bush's neglect, we've discovered that 'Love's a Bitch'. We are left 'Breathless' with sorrow, anger, and frustration at the unfairness of it all. Bush does nothing but drive through in his 'Slick Black Cadillac' for a cheap political photo-op with the downtrodden residents. People with no jobs, no homes, and nothing to comfort them except maybe a cheap bottle of 'Thunderbird'. People who had to 'Run for Cover' when Katrina made the city a 'Danger Zone'. And Bush did nothing for us. He ignored us because we remained silent."

"But no more! We must scream and shout and pound out our anger so that the very earth itself trembles, and we can say to Bush all the way in Washington, 'Cum On Feel the Noize'! We must rise up as one and become a veritable 'Battle Axe' of protest! The time for calm discussion has passed. Let's get our message out by any means necessary! 'Let's Get Crazy'!"

"This is your last chance, President Bush. We'd prefer peaceable means, but if we have to 'Bang Your Head', we will."

Clinton: Marriage Saved by Faith, Power Lust

(cross-posted from IMAO)

WASHINGTON (AP) - In a rare public discussion of her husband's infidelity, Democratic presidential candidate Hillary Rodham Clinton said Monday that she probably could not have gotten through her marital troubles without relying on her faith in God and her insatiable lust for power.

Clinton stood by her decision to stay in the marriage in the aftermath of former President Clinton's admission that he had an affair, as she considered it God's will as well as a path to becoming the most powerful woman on earth.

"I am very grateful that I had a grounding in faith that gave me the courage and the strength to do what I thought was right, regardless of what the world thought," Clinton said during a forum where the three leading Democratic presidential candidates talked about faith and values. "And as president, my position of unquestioned authority will allow me to continue ignoring the world's opinion. I can't wait!" she gloated.

"I'm not sure I would have gotten through it without my faith," she said in response to a question about how she dealt with the infidelity. "The fact that it locked in the 'cuckolded wives vote' didn't hurt, either," she chuckled darkly.

"Hillary finds your lack of faith disturbing."

Clinton said she's "been tested in ways that are both publicly known and those that are not so well known or not known at all." She said it's those times when her personal faith, the prayers of others, and knowing enough political dirt to make Congress her bitch have sustained her.

"At those moments in time when you are tested, it is absolutely essential that you be grounded in your faith," she said. "It also helps to be willing to throw anyone under the bus if it'll get you one step closer to having your hand on the Bible in January of 2009."

Also during the forum, moderator Soledad O'Brien asked candidate John Edwards to name the biggest sin he ever committed, and he won the audience's applause when he said he would have a hard time naming only one thing.

"As a former personal injury lawyer, I've borne more false witness than a semi full of OJ trial transcripts. I'm totally going to hell," Edwards said.

"Still," he mused, "unlike Hillary, there are SOME things I won't do in my quest for the Presidency. Like that time Hillary shot a campaign-worker as an example to the others. It's vicious ruthlessness like that - and religious faith - that's making her the Democratic front-runner for 2008."

Edwards also said he doesn't feel his belief in evolution is inconsistent with his belief in Christ and he doesn't personally feel gays should be married, although as president he wouldn't impose his belief system on the rest of the country.

"I have a deep and abiding love for my Lord, Jesus Christ," Edwards said, "but I don't have Hillary's despotic thirst for total domination. I only wish I had her raw, Stalinesque passion for forcing people to cower before her iron-fisted authoritarianism."

Presidential hopeful Barack Obama said he believes that the terrorist attacks on Sept. 11, 2001, were the result of evil. But he said that the United States' treatment of prisoners at Abu Ghraib and Guantanamo Bay is unjust.

"The danger of using good verses evil in the context of war is that it may lead us to be not as critical as we should about our own actions," Obama said to applause. "So basically I'm a pants-wetting Nancy-boy who can't even give murdering terrorists the level of condemnation that Jesus gave the moneychangers."

"My faith," continued Obama, "is weaker than a tubercular kitten, as is my determination to become President. It's a job for which I obviously lack the stones. Now Hillary, on the other hand... she TOTALLY wears her ovaries on the outside, if you know what I mean."

"Big BRASS ovaries," Obama said enviously, "and strong religious faith."

Clinton acknowledged that talking about her religious beliefs doesn't come naturally to her.

"I take my faith very seriously and very personally," she said, "but not as personally as disloyalty or failing to avert your gaze when I enter a room."

"And I come from a tradition that is perhaps a little too suspicious of people who wear their faith on their sleeves," Clinton continued, the flames of hell dancing merrily in her eyes, "but the future slave-citizens of the United States of Hillary better damn well wear their unquestioning obedience on their sleeves."

"There will be," Clinton said, "plenty of walls, blindfolds, and last cigarettes for those who don't."

"For that," she added, "I thank God every day."