Terrorist Awareness Quiz

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I think it's wonderful that citizens are aware of the terrorist threat, but recently there have been several false alarms turned in by folks who obviously aren't qualified to spot terrorists. For example:

Cargo container full of explosives in Seattle!... just dirty rags.

1000 cell phones bought by Arabs for explosive triggers!... just buying them cheap to re-sell later.

Crazed jihadi hijacks plane with napalm!... just a claustrophobic grandmother with a jar of vaseline.

Are YOU qualified to spot terrorist threats? Take this short quiz and find out:

1. 12 men are huddled together whispering to each other. They are.
a) Terrorists
b) A football team about to get a 5-yard penalty
c) The Disciples killing time waiting for Jesus to get back from Starbucks with their morning coffee.

2. Someone sits at a workbench, alternately mumbling curses and prayers to himself as he sticks wires into high explosives. This is:
a) Terrorist activity
b) Just another day at Industrial Light & Magic
c) The ever-optimistic Wile E. Coyote

3. An angry, bearded man shakes his fists and ululates at the sky. He is:
a) A terrorist
b) Harvey stepping on a nail
c) Al Gore giving a speech

4. A stray dog wanders up to you as you sit at an outdoor cafe. You should:
a) Suspect that terrorists have strapped explosives to it
b) Change tables - your shoes are both expensive and not drool-proof
c) Angrily send the dog back into the kitchen, complaining that you specifically ordered "well done".

5. You see a piece of unattended luggage at the airport. It's probably:
a) A terrorist's explosive device
b) A clue in some stupid race-around-the-world reality show
c) Odo doing undercover work

6. Middle-Eastern men are taking surreptitious camera-phone pictures near a national landmark. They are:
a) Gathering intelligence for a future terrorist attack
b) Just dorky tourists who are too cheap to buy a REAL camera
c) Gathering photos for later uploading to their hotnakedankles.com porn site

7. You open a package and notice a white, powdery substance. This is a case of:
a) A terrorist anthrax assault
b) The post office brutally mishandling your order of Enzyte
c) You forgetting to wash your hands after scattering lime over the shallow graves in your basement

Score as follows:

a - 1 point
b - 2 points
c - 3 points

Grading:

1-6 points: Either you suck at math or you skipped a question.

7-11 points: You're far too twitchy to be trusted with our national security. Lock yourself in a closet with a Louisville Slugger, ya big scaredy-cat!

12-16 points: Your finely-honed sense of danger is balanced with a generous dollop of common sense. America needs more people like you. An Army recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

17-21 points: Fictional characters? Dog-eating? Hiding bodies? You're a criminally insane psychotic freak. A danger to yourself and others. A Marine recruiter will be contacting you shortly.

22 or more points: CHEATER!

So... how did you do?

NOTE: Please be aware that scoring 22 or more points may cause you to be contacted by the DNC's "Get Out the Vote" committee.

Reuters News Flash!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

"After yet another vicious, unprovoked Israeli attack, the victims..." Oh, come ON, Reuters! You're not even trying anymore!

The New Cuba

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

With his brother in the hospital, Raul Castro has wasted no time shaking things up in the country he now controls. In a mere 10 days he's made several notable changes in Cuba:

* Upgrading the country's numerous rusted out 1950's Chevys by installing broken 8-track players.

* Being more like Bill Clinton, except with better cigars and hotter interns.

* Growing himself a nice, bushy, dictator-beard, like Fidel, Saddam, and that ruthless bastard Santa.

* Guaranteeing the right of free speech to all citizens as long as they don't use the letter "e".

* Ending the program of automatic Cuban citizenship for the constant flood of American refugees washing up on their shores.

* Random beatings of political prisoners will no longer include hideous Ricky Martin background music.

* Replacing layers of filth encrusting the streets of Havana with more wholesome layers of crud.

* Replacing numerous giant pictures of Fidel with numerous giant pictures of hot IDF chicks.

* Legalizing the importation of Viagra from America so that he can resolve his "Cuban Missile Crisis".

Israel's Top Secret War Plans - Revealed!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Figured I should follow the lead of the New York Times and start revealing Israel's covert ops, since it's the hip & trendy thing to do when a nation battles terrorists:

* Secretly plant an anti-Semitic parrot in Mel Gibson's house to make him look bad.

* Refer to the terrorists as "tar babies". If they get offended, apologize by saying "We're sorry if our thick Israeli accents made you cry-babies misunderstand what we said."

* Use the Force.

* Develop new head-exploding sonic weapon that transmits a focused beam of Fran Drescher's hideous voice.

* Refuse to negotiate for the release of hostages, but hint that they might be willing to haggle a bit.

* Institute policy of deliberately targeting innocent Lebanese civilians who get paid by Hezbollah to fire rockets into Israel.

* Have IDF stop toying with the terrorists and switch their swords to their right hands.

* Threaten terrorists with ICBM's (Intercontinental Ballistic Mohels)

* As Arabs try to push Israel into the sea, back up real quick and laugh when they fall on their faces.

* Feed Popeye some spinach and tell him Bluto is holding Olive Oyl prisoner in Lebanon.

* Kill terrorists 9 at a time with Ginsu Menorah.

* Get Kos to pick the terrorists to win.

...how they're going to die.

Profit & Loss... Mostly Loss

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In a cost saving move, the New York Times will soon be printed on smaller sheets of newspaper, and will cut over 1000 jobs.

Apparently blabbing the details of secret anti-terrorism programs isn't the money-maker they thought it would be.

And this is only the beginning of the exciting changes at the Gray Harlot. A number of other cost-saving and revenue-enhancing moves are in the works:

* Eliminating wasteful i-dotting and t-crossing.

* Dumping over-paid reporters and getting news from know-it-all cab drivers.

* Instituting firm "no seconds" policy when hosting DNC fundraising dinners.

* Siphoning ink from New York Post printing presses.

* Hiring street-corner squeegee bums to clean the Times Building's windows, and cutting their harness ropes just as they finish the top floor.

* Switching reporters to a flat salary instead of the current pay-per-lie arrangement.

* Refinancing mortgage on the Times Building and paying off those high-interest Mob loans.

* Switching from regular printer's ink to much darker Hudson River water.

* Explaining to their paperboys that, for a mere $20 a week, they'll "make sure nuthin' bad happens to that nice little bike you're ridin'... which would be a shame".

* Using regular newsprint instead of that fancy, quilted kind.

* Stopping unrealistic "news stories unchallenged by bloggers for 30 minutes, or it's free!" ad campaign.

* Firing their fact-checkers. They just sit on the computer playing solitaire all day, anyhow.

* Cease using William Hung songs as subscription order line hold music.

* Waiting until Democratic candidate bribe checks actually clear the bank before giving endorsements.

* Replacing boring news stories with hilarious "Fun Facts About the 50 States" pieces.

* Which would also increase the paper's overall accuracy quotient.

* Saving on expensive photographer's fees by replacing pictures of President Bush with royalty-free chimpanzee clip-art.

* Replacing ink-wasting word "insurgents" with shorter "dudes".

* Three words - Arthur Andersen Accounting.

My Fault For Not Reading The Fine Print

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

For some reason, I was always under the impression that the protections afforded to prisoners of war under the Geneva Convention treaty only applied to uniformed soldiers fighting for countries that signed the treaty.

Apparently you don't have to sign the treaty.

Or wear a uniform.

But who am I to question? The courts have reached deeply into this mysterious document and discovered rights for terrorists like Lance Burton yanking doves out of his ass.

I suppose the next time the question comes up, they'll find that terrorists have the right to:

* A supportive visit from Cindy Sheehan (non-conjugal), and a bite of her vanilla fast cream.

* A supportive visit from a goat (conjugal).

* A cell phone to vote for the "America's Got Talent" contestant of their choice and/or trigger an IED.

* A gasoline-soaked American flag and a Zippo.

* Only be forced to make license plates if they say "I H8 USA".

* A Rock hammer and a poster of Raquel Welch.

* An iPod loaded with that hideous, screechy, wailing music they like. Anything by Kenny G will do.

* Soprano sax?... Dude... that is TOTALLY gay.

* A turban, or at least a stylin' fedora.

* Weekly viewings of "Team America: World Police" so that they can hear someone speaking in their native tongue.

* Access to the Bush Administration's top secret war plans. A New York Times subscription is also acceptable.

* A Koran, a prayer mat, and a Jew to blame all their problems on.

* A replacement Jew if that one gets blown up.

The Continuing Madness of Kim Jong Il

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

So last week, North Korea launched some missiles, called the tests "a success" when one of the missile crashed into the sea after 42 seconds, declared that they have a right to ICBM's, and demanded one-on-one negotiations with the US.

Throwing things, lying, whining, crying... this isn't a nation, it's a tantruming toddler.

And like a toddler, North Korea and it's freakishly coiffed Grand Poobah of the Sacred Monkey Lodge (or whatever the hell his title is) will probably indulge in other bizarre behaviors designed to get attention. I speculate thusly on what Kim Jong Il might do:

Change the country's name to "North Koran" to get more foreign aid from Muslim countries.

Accidentally drop his glasses in the toilet, then declare it to be a successful test of North Korea's "waterproof spectacle" technology.

Order airbags installed on all North Korean citizens to protect them from falling rocket chunks.

Tout Communism's documented success as a weight-loss plan. Move over Atkins!

Start doing press conferences in his bathrobe, which will keep "accidentally" falling open.

Actually read the Pajamas Media blog on a day when he hasn't been linked by it.

Call psychic hotlines and demand one-on-one negotiations with Miss Cleo.

Grow a matching poofy Hitler moustache.

Blame widespread starvation on an Internet Explorer security flaw.

Attempt to re-start production of the Edsel.

Attend official state military parades wearing a Hawaiian shirt, Bermuda shorts, black socks, and sandals.

Start answering the phone with "Ahoy-hoy?".

Teach the North Korean negotiating team the Five Point Palm Exploding Heart Technique.

Order his army into South Korea. When South Korea complains, he'll look surprised, smack his forehead, and say "I knew I should've had them take that left turn at Albuquerque!".

Shoot Superman in the eye just to watch the bullet bounce.

Call President Bush "an iron-willed, straight-shooting cowboy who doesn't take crap from anyone" in a tone of voice suggesting that it was an insult, then giggle when Bush looks confused.

Break wind, then say loudly, "I AM FARTICUS!".

Only appear in public wearing a coonskin cap.

Wait... I'm sorry, that's actually his hair. Nevermind.

Claim that he can't help his war-like ways, because he was orphaned as a baby and raised by wild landmines in the DMZ.

Half-Assed Protests

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Cindy Sheehan & Code Pink have started their "Bring the Troops Home Fast", where - in exchange for the following demands:

* The withdrawal of all U.S. from Iraq;

* No permanent bases in Iraq;

* A commitment to fund a massive reconstruction effort but with funds going to Iraqi, not U.S., contractors.

they promise to eat regular meals.

Amusingly, Sheehan's idea of a "fast" isn't the normal one of "no food, just water". It's "a diet of water, teas and juices". Possibly the occasional Wendy's Frostie, too, although I don't know if soquids are allowed.

And for those who aren't even willing to give up solid foods - no problem! You can join in the "rolling fast", where you only stop eating on designated days. Yes, you too can share quality hunger-time with such celebrities as Susan Sarandon, Sean Penn, Danny Glover, Willie Nelson and the Rev. Al Sharpton.

"Stop eating on a designated day"? Guess what, Lefty Idiots, that's not fasting, that's DIETING. Of course "Bring the Troops Home Diet" just doesn't have that martyr-like ring to it.

I imagine, however that this "fasting with food" concept will probably inspire other weak, watered-down protest efforts that require no real sacrifice and have catchy names and the phrase "for the Troops" added so it sounds like they're doing something noble. Maybe protests like:

Death March for the Troops - Don't use your remote control. Walk up to the TV and change channels manually.

Fine for the Troops - Return your library books late.

Hubble for the Troops - When you take vacation pictures, make them slightly blurry.

Hobble for the Troops - Walk around your house barefoot until you stub your toe on a piece of furniture.

Fresh Step for the Troops - Go an extra day before cleaning your cat's litter box.

Get Moore-On for the Troops - Just keep eating until you're as fat as Michael Moore. If you're already there, shoot for Ted Kennedy.

Matte Finish for the Troops - Next time you wash your car, don't wax it.

Agent Orange for the Troops - Stand on the grass right next to a "Keep off the Grass" sign. Move along smartly as soon as a cop yells at you so that you don't actually get into any trouble.

Butterfatless for the Troops - Switch to skim milk.

Burning in the Flaming Cauldron of the Desert Heat for the Troops - Set your central air one degree higher than normal.

Threatening World Peace

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Pew Research Group conducted of survey European, Muslim, and other useless nations and concluded that most people consider the US to be a bigger threat to world peace than Iran's nuclear program.

Piffle.

Neither one of those is a significant threat to world peace.

You want to know what REALLY threatens world peace? I've got a list:

Global cooling warming temperature stagnation.

People cutting into my traffic lane when I'm not watching the road because I'm busy cleaning my gun.

Saying "Michelle Malkin sure is cute" when SarahK is in the room.

Spanish apes with legal rights. Is there no stopping the accursed monkey menace?

Selling cars so small that you'd be lucky to fit a single clown into them.

My wife changing my Google settings to "Safe Search". Doesn't she know that viewing nude olsen twins pictures is crucial to worldwide geopolitical stability?

Any operational printing press at the New York Times.

Toddlers holding chem warfare drills.

Donald Rumsfeld buying a new pair of strangling-gloves and needing to "break them in".

President Hillary Clinton

Less Offensive Terrorist Killin' Song

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A Marine wrote a song called "Hadji Girl" (video here, lyrics here) that was described as "contrary to the high standards expected of all Marines" by Marine Major Gabrielle Chapin.

Since Marines aren't known for their sensitivity, I have to assume that the objection was that it didn't have enough brutal terrorist-killin'. So to show my support for the Marines, I wrote a sprightly little ditty that's - hopefully - a little less respectful of bloodthirsty Islamofascists.

CONTENT WARNING: contains censored profanity, violent imagery, disrespectful references to terrorist sexual preferences, and other assorted not-very-niceness, so it's in the extended entry...

Alarm! Armageddon! Factoids!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently Greenpeace wanted to say something nasty on the occasion of President Bush's visit to Pennsylvania promoting his nuclear energy policy.

Unfortunately, they sent out an early draft of the press release instead of the final document, and it contained the following:

"In the twenty years since the Chernobyl tragedy, the world's worst nuclear accident, there have been nearly [FILL IN ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOID HERE]"

Being a so-called "writer" myself, I just hate to see writer's block cramping someone's style, even if it IS a bunch of ecoterrorists so lame that they once got beat up by the French.

So here are some ALARMIST AND ARMAGEDDONIST FACTOIDS that Weeniepeace can use for their next press release:

... nearly three million square miles of rainforest decimated by President Bush. And that's just on his ranch:

... nearly a a 35% increase in carbon monoxide emissions, mostly from Al Gore flying around the country shrieking about the dangers of global... something. It's hard to make out the words when he shrieks like that.

... nearly 15 million cases of leprosy in Iraq. Either leprosy or some other horrible disease that turns fingers purple. Probably due to depleted uranium dust. Or freedom. Both of which are known killers. You don't see North Koreans with purple fingers, do ya? I think I've proven my point.

... nearly 24 instances where Aquaman failed to save the world. Because he was weakened by toxic water pollution. If President Bush would keep dirty Mexicans out of the Rio Grande, this wouldn't happen.

... nearly 6 years of Karl Rove not being indicted. That's just CRAZY! It's like letting a rabid pitbull run loose around your neighborhood. A very Machiavellian rabid pitbull.

... nearly 3000 hurricanes - each with the force of hundreds of billions of tons of TNT - which have slammed into the coastal United States - killing millions of innocent minorities, women, children, and fuzzy kittens - while putting trillions of dollars into the pockets of Bush's oil buddies at Halliburton somehow.

... BUUUUUUUUUUSH!!!1!

... nearly a 10,000% increase in the number of prisoners being held at Guantanamo Bay since 2003. If current trends continue, even the prison guards will be imprisoned by 2012.

... nearly 50 people in Florida eaten by alligators because new nuclear power plants are being built, disrupting the delicate ecosystem of the alligator's natural prey - poodles.

... nearly 1 more dead Zarqawi, which has devastated the market for New Balance sneakers among the terrorist demographic.

... nearly a 300% increase in attacks by Ann Coulter, leaving thousands of innocent liberals dead or miffed.

Michael Moore's Fundraiser

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Michael Moore is being sued for $85 million by a wounded soldier who was justifiably irked by Moore's unauthorized - and deliberately misleading - use of an interview he did with NBC. The way Moore made it look, you'd think the soldier was just another monkey-faced anti-war zealot, when nothing could be further from the truth.

If there's any justice in the world, Mikey's going to lose the suit. I mean, is it really too much to ask for America's deep-pocket-hating juries to accidentally do the right thing just this once?

Well, if they do, then that raises the question of where Moore is going to get $85 million, since everyone knows he's squandered all his movie royalties building a 300-foot, solid gold statue of a Twinkie, toward which he bows down to pray five times daily.

Surely, though, there MUST be someone in the Democratic party willing to hire a Goebbels-quality propagandist such as Moore to do a little creative cinematography?

I envision something like the following...

Michael Moore sat next to Hillary Clinton, nervously chewing his lower lip.

"Tastes like chicken," he thought.

Followed by, "I wonder if Hillary's lip tastes like chicken?... "

"Nah," he decided, "probably more of a strangled-kitten flavor."

At last Michael broke the uncomfortable silence.

"So..." Moore queried Hillary, "How'd ya like it?"

With eerie, ninja-like speed, Hillary grabbed Moore's collar and pulled his terrified face within an inch own rage-distorted countenance.

"This film," seethed Hillary, "was FIVE... HOURS... LONG!"

"To create a full-bodied artistic..."

"It shows me beating Chelsea with a coathanger!"

"Mild exaggerations were..."

"It shows me accepting a wheelbarrow full of cash - clearly marked "BRIBE MONEY" - from Jack Abramoff!"

"It was sort of allegorical..."

"It shows me smoking crack with Marion Barry while dressed in nothing but fishnet stockings and a steel-studded black leather teddy!"

"Some directorial license was necessarily..."

"IT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE A 30-SECOND SPOT FOR MY 2008 PRESIDENTIAL CAMPAIGN!" shrieked Hillary, as she landed a vicious right cross that broke Moore's nose and then hurled him to the floor.

"Wait!" wheezed Moore, as Hillary stormed towards the exit, "I'm still getting my $85 million, right?"

Hillary paused... turned... considered... "Sure," she grinned, "you'll get what's coming to you."

"BRUNO!" Hillary called to her Secret Service agent, "Pay the man... Give him 85 million... in PAIN! MUAHAHAHAHAHA!"

"Is that some sort of Chinese currency?" asked Moore hopefully.

"Yeah," said Bruno, "it's Chinese... just like these here brass knuckles I'm wearin'... Here, have a closer look..."

Bruno paid the man.

(click to enlarge)

Anyone wanna go in on it with me?

Things You Didn't Know About Jesse MacBeth

(A Precision Guided Humor Assigment cross-posted from IMAO)

In order to make America look bad, Iraq Veterans Against the War hooked up with compulsive liar Jesse MacBeth, who made up wild stories of his adventures in toddler-slaughtering while he served in Iraq.

Only problem being that he didn't actually DO any toddler-slaughtering.

Because he wasn't in Iraq.

Or even enlisted in the US Armed Forces.

Ever.

However, one small fib (ok, THREE) shouldn't make you doubt Jesse's character. I'm sure that - thirty years from now - CBS will find memos that confirm his story, as well as some of the other claims he made during his startling video interview:

* Personally light-sabered the entire village of Tusken Raiders who killed his mom.

* Told Natalie Maines what to say through a hidden earpiece during the Dixie Chicks infamous London concert.

* Worked as a boy-toy delivery driver for Michael Jackson.

* Spent days chumming the waters off Amity Beach right before tourist season.

* Manufactured O-rings for NASA.

* Programming code writer for the HAL 9000 computer.

* ...AND those twitchy A/2 series androids.

* Planned the Imperial defense of Endor's moon against the Ewoks.

* Stalked the streets of London as "Jesse the Ripper"

* While head elf for Santa, he would randomly remove kids' names from the "nice" list.

* "New Coke"

* Converted "Who Let the Dogs Out?" into a ringtone.

* Drove a tank at Tiananmen Square.

* Invented telemarketing.

* Was the first person to say to a Palestinian, "Ya know, if you pushed the Jews into the sea, you'd finally have your own homeland."

* Wrote "The Communist Manifesto".

* Killed the scientist who invented the 200 mpg carburetor.

* Designed the unpronouncable symbol by which Prince was known for 7 years.

* "Jar-Jar"

Stopping Iran's Nuke Program

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Despite the European Union's numerous offers of flowers & candy, Iran's lunatic president Imabigdweeby (or whatever his name is) still refuses to stop enriching uranium.

Need to put a stop to that.

So I recommend sending in the Double Secret British Special Forces Commando Team to shut them down with some of their patented pacification techniques, which include such diverse elements as fear, surprise, ruthless efficiency, an almost fanatical devotion to World Peace, and possibly one or more of the following:

* Soundly ignore any and all Iranian complaints about dead parrots.

* Wear high heels, skip and jump, press wildflowers, put on women's clothing and hang around the gates of the facility waiting for a chance to sneak in and blow it up with the Holy Hand Grenade of Antioch.

* Write a strongly worded resolution, wrap it around an arrow, and fire it into Imabigdweeby's bodyguard, Concorde.

* Burst into the enrichment facility, search it for cheese, and start shooting people if none is found. Starting with the bouzouki player.

* Taunt the Iranians.

* Taunt them a second time if necessary.

* Do something in their general direction, but only if it doesn't violate the Geneva Convention, because Amnesty International is like a freakin' pit bull on these sorts of things nowadays.

* Demand that the Iranians dismantle their nuclear program immediately. If they refuse, explain that you're very sorry, but you're not allowed to argue with them anymore unless they dismantle their nuclear program.

* Slap Imabigdweeby with a fish.

* Bomb the nuclear facilities, invade the country, kill the leaders, and steal their huge tracts of land.

Donald Rumsfeld's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Donald Rumsfeld was on the Hugh Hewitt show last week, and he mentioned blogs.

I hope that means he'll be starting one soon.

I mean, sure, he's done a great job as Secretary of Terrorizing Terrorists or whatever his title is, but he's also a great communicator and his talent is being wasted.

If nothing else, at least he wouldn't be a weepy little woman like Tony Snow.

Granted, it probably wouldn't be the BEST blog in the world - just lots of pictures of him strangling journalists and hippies and feeding their twisted corpses to Chomps - but I'll bet it would have a cool name, like maybe....

* The Only Good Terrorist Is A Dead Terrorist, and the World Needs More Good Terrorists

* Shut Up! I'm Trying to Hegemonize!

* Hand Grenades In The Podium And Other Keys To A Successful Press Conference

* What Good Is Having Nukes If We're Not Going To Use Them?

* I TOLD You Not To Listen To Colin Powell!

* I Don't Want To Beat You To Death With Your Own Press Credentials, But I Will If I Have To

* Invade Their Country and Steal Their Oil - Solutions To Illegal Immigration

* KILL! KILL! KILL! - The Rumsfeld Doctrine Explained

* You Say "Torturing Terrorists" Like It's a BAD Thing

* Five Point Palm Exploding Heart and Other Love Poems

* I Like You. I'll Kill You Last

* I Miss Napalm

* I'm Only Wearing Glasses So That My Eyes Don't Jump Out of My Head and Strangle You

* Pale Rider's Adventures In Apocalyptic Horsemanship

* Kittens, Puppies, Rainbows, and Other Irritants

* Remember When I Said I'd Kill You Last?... I Lied

Any other guesses?

A Better Sentence for Moussaoui

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Some folks are upset that terrorist scumbag Zacarias Moussaoui didn't get the death penalty.

Personally, I don't think he deserved death. I mean, he didn't actually DO anything, right? As the great philosopher Sideshow Bob once said, "Attempted murder? Now honestly, what is that? Do they give a Nobel prize for attempted chemistry?"

Me, I think Moussaoui should become America's new symbol of Justice.

By which I mean he should be blindfolded, have a sword and scales placed in his outstretched hands, be encased in concrete, and placed in front of the US District Court in Alexandria Virginia.

The pigeons will take care of the rest.

Dan Rather's Blog

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently rumors have surfaced that Dan Rather is contemplating quitting CBS and taking up blogging.

Now there's no mystery regarding WHAT he'd blog about - his cat, his colon, how much it sucks to be living in his daughter's basement - after all, he's lost without his teleprompter.

The only question is what he would call his blog. I speculate thusly on the possibilities:

* Speaking Half-Truths to Power

* Drink the TANG

* CBS Evening KOS

* I Am NOT Making This Up!

* Here's the Frequency, Now Stop Calling Me Kenneth!

* Delusions By Dan

* Democratic Underwear

* Funny Like Colbert, Except Not On TV

* I'm STILL Not Wearing Pants When I Sit Behind My Desk

* Now Wi^th Superscripts!

* Take A Memo

* Rather's Blathers

* Please Stop Fact-Checking My Ass

* The Ratherington Post

* How Much Is That Selectric In the Window?

* 43 Years At CBS and Not Even a Freakin' Gold Watch to Show For It - Cheap, Back-Stabbing Bastards!

* Oh Yeah? Well I Wouldn't Come Back Now If You Got Down On Your Hands and Knees and BEGGED Me!... Although I Suppose It Wouldn't Hurt To Try...

* D!scount V1agra! - The GoogleBait Blog

* Vast Mainstream Wing Conspiracy

* Courage - The Blog

* Authenticated Signatures, Journalistic Integrity and Other Oxymorons

* It's NOT Bush's Fault (Just Kidding)

* Crouching Liar, Hidden Agenda

Any other possibilities?

Wrong Tony

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I was deeply disappointed to hear that Tony Snow got the job as White House Press Secretary. I can't believe that President Bush overlooked all the many other talented Tonys out there who would've made better picks:

Fat Tony D'Amico - Didn't see nothin', and will have the offended reporter quietly piano-wired when no-one's looking. If questioned, will respond "What's a moider?"

Tony Bennett - Political spin is always more convincing when sung to the tune of "Fly Me to the Moon".

Tony Blair - "I'd love to answer that question, but it's tea time, so sod off!

Dr. Phat Tony - Will brutally taser any MSM joker who steps out of line.

Tony Dow - He probably wouldn't be good at dodging questions, but it'd be funny to hear the reporters start all their questions with "Gee, Wally..."

Tony Randall - Tough question? He'll just fake a sinus attack.

Tony the Tiger - Has an inarguable, two-word answer to any question regarding whether Bush's policies will be good for America.

Tony Stewart - "I can't hear your stupid question over the sound of my engine!"

Tony Danza - The only question he'll get is "Did you every 'Danza slap' Alyssa Milano?"

Any Tonys I missed?

Secrets of the WMD Trailers: REVEALED!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Lacking any fresh mud with which to smear the Bush administration, the "unbiased" media is re-hashing old accusations of President Bush lying about WMD.

Ok, so maybe those two trailers they found in May of '03 weren't "mobile biological weapons labs", but I have a hard time believing the claims that they were used to "produce hydrogen for weather balloons". Why would Iraq need weather balloons? Does the weather report ever change over there?

"Today will be incredibly freakin' hot with a [random number] percent chance of sandstorms. After sunset, your camel will freeze his hump off".

Anyway, here are my half-baked lunatic theories on what those trailers were ACTUALLY used for:

* Coyote trailers - Just in case any Mexicans felt like sneaking across the border into Iraq to steal jobs from hard-working Islamofascists.

* Super secret Death Star Control Platform - SHHHHH! Secret! You no tell!

* Scott McClellan's retirement home - Needed something big enough so that his chubby ass wouldn't get stuck in the doorway.

* It's where Michelle Malkin goes to strangle kittens with piano wire and/or mince them into brownies - Think of it as Camp David for MegaBloggers.

* It's where Glenn Reynolds goes to... aw, YOU know...

* Stolen oil storage facility - Since they only found 2 of them, President Bush wasn't able to steal NEARLY as much oil as originally planned.

* He was warned about this by numerous retired generals, but did he listen? NO-O-O-O-O-O-O-O-O!

* Originally designed as a Stupid Hippy Human Shield Transportation Device - Driven only once. Still can't get the smell out.

* Production facilities for Ben & Jerry's Ice Cream - Now you know where their delicious "Caramel Camel" and "Go Pound Sandies" flavors come from.

Reuters Maintains Journalistic Standards

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

In their eagerness to shout "Dismal failure!" about the war, the Reuters news service blindly swallowed claims by Iraqi terrorists that they had video footage of them capturing a downed helicopter.

Well, they DID have footage - unfortunately the time stamp on it was March 19, 2000, and it was probably of a helicopter crash in Afghanistan.

So I guess I shouldn't have been TOO surprised over their coverage of the latest criticisms of Donald Rumsfeld (in the extended entry)...

McKinney Supports Capitol Hill Police

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

During a press conference today, Congresswoman Cynthia McKinney (D - Georgia) reiterated her support for the Capitol Hill Police.

"Those CHP are my favorite people ever," McKinney said, "I have all 6 seasons on DVD."

"Plus," she added, "you have to admit - Ponch has the dreamiest smile."

At this point Rep. McKinney was pelted with a barrage of rotten vegetables, leaving her unable to comment on whether she also supports Wilmer Valderrama's assumption of Erik Estrada's role in the movie scheduled for release in 2008.

Protest Rallies - Opportunity for Inclusiveness

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A recent DC anti-war protest turned out some disappointing numbers for the screeching loony left, and I can't help thinking that they could REALLY improve their attendance figures if they made the events just a LITTLE more red-stater friendly. After all, liberals ARE about being open-minded & non-judgmental, right?

Since I consider myself a fairly typical warmongering, right-wing, gun nut, here's what they could do to get ME to show up to one of their little kook-keggers:

* More crazy naked PETA chicks [PG13]!

* I'd really enjoy a Dick Cheney hunter safety course, because every time I try to shoot a lawyer, I end up hitting a quail in the face.

* Sell "Ann Coulter Gone Wild!" DVD's

* Schedule the protest on a weekend so that the gainfully employed can attend.

* Ergonomic comfort-gel Sof-Grip protest sign-handles ("Just say 'NO' to splinters!")

* Free John Kerry silhouette shooting targets ("10 points for the important-looking hair!")

* Free Korans - I've got a wobbly table with a short leg at home.

* Free shampoo - which I'll gladly provide myself if they promise to use it. Seriously - who's the lunatic who told white people they could wear dreadlocks?

* Free Palestine - I always see booths offering it, but when I get there, they never have any. I wonder if it's like funnel cake?

* Ban braless grandmothers.

Anyway, what would get YOU to go to a anti-war protest rally?

If Democrats Ran Iraq

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The new Iraqi Parliament that was elected last December has finally been sworn in, but - due to an egregious mix-up at the ballot box - it turned out that all those elected were actually American Democrats.

Vowing to "do for Iraq what Bushitler won't let us do for America", the new Parliament promised to do the following during its first 100 days:

* No more death penalty. Except for those who refer to a person of murder as a "terrorist"

* Also outlawed will be the phrase "camel jockey", unless it's used at an actual camel race.

* Or by a rap artist.

* It will be illegal to bow toward Mecca at a public school.

* Having a non-denominational "moment of bending" isn't acceptable either.

* No one will be allowed to draw cartoons of Jesus, Buddha, or Moses. However, the Iraqi government WILL fund artworks such as the urine-soaked holy book, "Whiz Koran".

* No cartoons of Cindy Sheehan, either, because her son died for George Bush's sins.

* BUUUUUUUUUUUSH! *shakes fist at sky*

* Floor sweeping will be forbidden in all bars and restaurants, due to the hazards of "secondhand dirt".

* Meanwhile, the tax on brooms will be raised another 50 cents.

* No one will be allowed to own a gun except for police and persons of murder.

* Camel spiders will now be considered an endangered species, and no oil drilling will be allowed in their habitats.

* Unless the oil is being sold to France, Germany, Russia, or China.

* All camels will be required to get an average of 28 miles per gallon of water.

* 38 for the economy 1-hump models

* Witnesses in court trials have to swear to tell the truth while placing their hand on a copy of "Heather Has Two Mommies".

* All of Saddam's old presidential Palaces will be re-named "The Robert C. Byrd Memorial Palace", followed by a Roman numeral.

* And stop nagging Senator Byrd to apologize for his Klan membership! You people are like a pitbull on a mailman's leg with that!

* All sand dunes will be made wheelchair accessible.

* The new Iraqi flag will be an upside down American flag with a picture of Michael Moore's butt on it.

* Women will have equal rights. To apply for these rights, they should send a resume to intern@cigarsinparliament.com.

Bush's New Advisors

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

[Caution - the second to last link in this post is rated NC17]

Hollywood asshats like George Clooney are full of bad advice when it comes to hunting down terrorists - usually it boils down to something like "Just ignore them and they'll go away... Unless they don't... in which case it's Bush's fault for not connecting the dots."

Now, I'm sure President Bush isn't actually listening to George Clooney, but he's getting bad advice from SOMEWHERE, because the terrorist body count is still under seven figures, there are no internment camps for either Muslims OR hippies, and Michael Moore has yet to be thrown into a crocodile pit.

As a courtesy to our Commander-in-Chief, I assembled a focus group to give advice on how to win the War on Terror. The executive summary follows:

Darth Vader - "Strangle annoying underlings to maintain discipline in the ranks. There's no reason why that jellyfish Colin Powell should've left the State Department alive."

Dick Cheney - "Aim for the face."

Donald Rumsfeld - "Hey! Vader stole my advice!"

Ann Coulter - "Invade their countries, kill their leaders, and convert them to Christianity."

Gandalf - "More Hobbits"

Michael Jackson - "Give the terrorists a little Jesus Juice, and they'll be ripe for the picking."

Jeffrey Dahmer - "Beat 'em with a mallet for a while, otherwise they'll be too tough and stringy."

Laura Roslin - "Throw 'em out the airlock."

Harry Potter - "I'm a pansy. Let Hermione handle it."

C3P0 - "I suggest a new strategy. Let the Wookie win."

Barney the Dinosaur - "Lots of hugs!... and explosives!"

John Cleese - "Wait... are these terrorists armed with bananas or raspberries?"

Satan - "Just get the Arabs high-speed internet access. They'll be too busy Boobling for pr0n to kill anybody... By the way, has anyone seen my autographed copy of 'An Army of Davids'?"

Secret Weapon for the War on Terror

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

According to this story, a slain soldier's widow successfully sued a guy who was giving money to Al Qaeda, which means that - thanks to one of the few lawyers not shot by Dick Cheney - the War on Terror is $102 million dollars closer to being over.

It occurs to me there's another underutilized American resource that could be put to work fighting Islamofascism - Pakistani cab drivers!

Picture this:

PCD: I cannot please to be speaking your English! I get you hotel? Airport? Cocaine? Hookers? Durka! Durka!

TERRORIST: Jihad! Jihad!

PCD: Look Mohammed, I only talk that way to screw with the Yuppies. I don't actually speak your wacky Arab monkey-jabber durka-durka crap! Either take the broads & coke or get the hell out of my cab!

TERRORIST: Fine! I'll get someone else to take me! [gets out, slams door]

PCD: The only place you're going is between the treads of my Goodyear All-Season radials, you terrorist bastard! [sound of squealing tires]

TERRORIST: AIEEEEEE! *squish!*

PCD: USA! USA! USA!

UNDERUTILIZED RESOURCES IN THE WAR ON TERROR

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

What are lawyers good for besides quail decoys?

Successfully suing terrorists for their bomb-money.

So if a LAWYER can be a force for good, I wonder what else we could put to work in fighting the War on Terror?

Collection Agencies - I underpaid my VISA bil by 37 cents once, and they broke my kneecaps. What chance do terrorists have?

Worried about port security? Just play William Hung tunes over the loudspeakers. Scientific studies show that his tuneless screechings inevitably cause premature detonation in bomb belts. "She Bangs" = *KER-BANG!*

Hollywood celebrities - as human shields around high-risk targets. If it doesn't work, who cares? Plenty more Baldwins where that came from.

Delete the terrorist program and reboot The Matrix - "Whoa!..."

Reprogram that weather control machine Bush used to destroy New Orleans. Everyone knows terrorists melt when you douse them with water, as shown in the documentary, "The Terrorist of Oz".

And if all else fails, we can pass a new law requiring that flight schools only teach Arab students from JFK Jr's textbook, "Flying For Dummies".

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

War On Terror Greeting Card

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Wandering about the greeting card aisle this last Valentine's Day, I was struck by the fact that there seems to be a card for almost every occasion.

Except the War on Terror.

It occurs to me that Hallmark could make a killing if they expanded their offerings a bit, for example:

Infidels! You make me mad!
Praising Allah's not so bad.
You must do things Islam's way,
Listen now to what I say.

Pray five times toward Mecca town
Women covered with a gown
No more pork and no free speech
No bikinis on the beach

Obey me lest I chop your head
Blow you up, and make you dead.
I return to my cave now after that.
To dine upon this tasty rat.

YUM!

Love,
Osama

John Bolton's Peace Prize Nomination Papers

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I was tickled pink to discover that hard-core, ass-kicking US ambassador to the UN, John Bolton, has been nominated for the Nobel Peace Prize for playing a major role in exposing Iran's secret plans to develop nuclear weapons. To bolster his chances of winning, they also included a list of his other notable achievements:

* During 6-party talks on North Korea's nuclear program, shook down the other 5 parties for their lunch money

* Bolton plans to use the money to finance a mission to nuke the moon, pending the outcome of a copyright infringement suit filed by Frank J.

* Once caused a pigeon to explode in mid-air, just by looking at it.

* Kicked Paul Bunyan's ass and founded the "Bolton's Babe-Burgers" franchise.

* Due to lactose intolerance, had all lactoses rounded up and imprisoned at Gitmo.

* Led Lyndie England around on a leash while mocking her genitalia.

* Prefers to kill people with his bare hands so that he can look into their eyes and watch their souls leave their bodies.

* Eats newly-release souls to fuel the growth of his moustache.

* Hates working for the UN, since few of the ambassadors actually have souls.

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* Successfully went in against a Sicilian when death was on the line.

* While not related to Michael Bolton, John does have a better singing voice.

* Of course, who doesn't?

* Once made a rock so big that he himself couldn't lift it.

* The flood waters did not recede from New Orleans quickly enough, so John Bolton drank them.

* On Halloween, witches frequently go out dressed up as John Bolton to frighten liberals.

* Plans to silence whiny California hippies by kicking the whole state right into the ocean.

* Went hunting with Dick Cheney, but used 'stache powers to deflect the birdshot.

* Buys dead-squirrel toupees from the same store as Donald Trump

* Favorite saying: "I like you. I'll kill you last. And by 'last', I mean 'first'."

* 'STACHE HUNGERS!

* When his term as UN Ambassador expires in 2007, plans to decapitate all the UN delegates he hasn't already killed so that he can at last be THE ONE and claim THE PRIZE.

* Used Kim Jong Il's poofy head as a loofah.

* Until Captain Kirk, the Klingons had no word for "surrender". After John Bolton, they will also have a word for "pants-wetting terror".

SOTU-safe T-shirt

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

During Bush's State of the Union Address, Gold-Star Mother and crazed anti-war activist Cindy Sheehan was kicked out of the event for wearing a T-shirt that said "2245 Dead -- How Many More?".

Meanwhile, Beverly Young - wife of Congressman C.W. Bill Young, (R-Florida) - was given the boot for wearing a T-shirt that said "Support the Troops Defending Our Freedom."

Let's see, can't oppose the war... can't support the war... surely there's SOME t-shirt that's non-controversial enough to not get you kicked out of the SOTU address...

Maybe this Fun Cat Trivia T-shirt...

* White cats with blue eyes are deaf. White cats with one blue eye are deaf in one ear. White cats with glowing red eyes are witches. Drown them in holy water.

* A cat's normal body temperature is 102° F. unless it's trapped under a pile of burning books, in which case it's 451° F

* Cats have no eyelashes, so don't be suckered into buying Maybelline's "Catscara".

* Cats are colorblind and thus oppose Affirmative Action quotas.

* A cat can jump 7 times as high as it is tall, which impresses everyone except Chuck Norris.

* Cats can survive falls from great heights because their paw pads are made from the same material as Roger Rabbit's head.

* An adult cat blinks an average of three times per minute - about the same rate that Ted Kennedy drinks.

* Some common household objects are fatal to cats, like Tylenol, philodendron plants, anti-freeze, and bullets.

* Cats have A, B, and O blood types, just like people, which makes them good bait for vampire traps.

* Cats don't think of themselves as little people, they think of people as large cats. Therefore, in order to establish your dominance over them, you should pee on your cat's head every so often.

* A cat's fur has a thick undercoat which causes it to make the same sound as a baby harp seal when you club it.

* To a cat, litter-box-filler appears to have the same texture as Rice Krispies. Protect your breakfast accordingly.

* The average cat has 40 whiskers, or 10 more than Frank J.

* Catnip has the same effect on cats as marijuana does on human beings. The feline equivlent of Pink Floyd and Twinkies is still, as yet, unknown.

"A Danish newspaper published my Muhammed cartoon and all I got was this lousy fatwa."

Hamas: The First 100 Days

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Now that Hamas has been elected to rule the Palestinian Authority, they've outlined their agenda for the first 100 days of their administration:

* Bury people who died from falling-bullet wounds. Blame deaths on JOOOOOOS!

* Throw rocks at JOOOOOOS! in retaliation.

* Realize too late how stupid it is to bring a rock to a gunfight.

* Attempt to be superior to all other Arab nations by raising an army that can't be beaten by a troop of Israeli Girl Scouts.

* Double the current Palestinian Authority spending on education programs by declaring that suicide bomber vests will now be considered "books".

* Scale back plans to push the JOOOOOOS! into the sea, by practicing on a pile of tiny pebbles.

* Get asses kicked by a pile of tiny Jewish pebbles.

* Give up attacking Israel and start with something easier to conquer, like France.

* Which will then become known as "Paristine".

* Attend formal dinner with Kim Jong Il, in celebration of the fact that he now pronounces the country's name correctly.

* Adopt new national motto of "Palestine - all the violent terrorist thuggery of other Arab nations, but without all the oil."

* Fly the new Palestinian flag (see extended entry)...

The New Democratic Code of Conduct

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross posted from IMAO)

Congressional Democrats will be attempting to grab the moral high-ground by making ethics an issue in 2006. Specifically, they want to introduce a new Congressional "code of conduct", hoping to take advantage of the public's perception of scandal over the Abramoff affair.

Sure, Harry Reid funnels money to Nevada churches, Nancy Pelosi is "suddenly" remembering $8500 worth of vacations provided to her by lobbyists, and there aren't enough pixels in the entire internet to list all the wild spinnings of Ted Kennedy's moral compass - but still, I'm sure there's a lot the Dems can teach us about being well-behaved, as illustrated by these fake (but accurate) excerpts from the new Congressional Code of Conduct:

* The use of the phrase "President Bush" in a speech is forbidden unless the sentence also includes the words "liar", "Nazi", "failure", "warmonger", and/or "retard".

* Do NOT use tinfoil hats, as they've been shown to actually INCREASE one's susceptability to Karl Rove's mind-control rays.

* Prove how dangerous guns are by having your Secret Service bodyguard shoot people at random.

* Make sure he hits an Affirmative Action quota's worth of black people, lest you be accused of racism.

* Tell the victims' families that it was the Republicans' fault for not spending more on body armor.

* Don't take bribes. If someone offers you money in return for a promise to vote a certain way on a bill, that's a bribe. Just take the money and wink slyly - that way there's technically no promise involved, and it's considered a "campaign contribution".

* Avoid using the racist and offensive term "terrorist". Use "person of shrapnel" instead.

* Al Gore is NOT a piece of furniture - that's just his personality. Don't set your drink on him.

* If you do set your drink on him, at least use a coaster.

* Even if you just had a baby, don't offer a cigar to Hillary Clinton. It makes her twitchy for some reason.

* Carpooling can help save the Earth's precious, dwindling resources. Make sure there are at least two people in your vehicle at all times - for example, you and your limo driver.

* Whenever possible, shoot spitballs at that backstabber Zell Miller.

* If you accidentally put out his eye, blame the Republicans for not buying him body armor.

* True, body armor wouldn't have prevented an eye injury, buy your constituents are too stupid to figure that out, so there's no need to pass up a perfectly good opportunity to blame Republicans.

* Pointing out the resemblance between Nancy Pelosi and Michael Jackson will be grounds for censure.

* NO MORE CRYING!... [looking your way, Voinovich]

The Other Kennedy Book

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

So Ted Kennedy wrote a children's book called "My Senator And Me: A Dog's Eye View Of Washington, D.C.":

The gimmick of this book is that it's written from the perspective of his Portuguese Water Dog, whose name is Amigo's Seventh Wave, but who (seriously) goes by the nickname "Splash".

Interestingly, Splash is also the author of "My Senator Didn't See Me: A Dog's Earful of Things I Overheard Ted Say", notable for such Ted quotes as:

"No, I just accidentally washed my cap in hot water. My head is NOT getting bigger."

"I did NOT call you "Alioto" because I'm drunk, I called you Alioto because... oh, wait... you're right... nevermind."

"Can we hurry this up? I got a limo full of booze, broads, & bribes double-parked outside."

"If you don't vote for this bill, I will PERSONALLY drive each and every one of you home!"

More Hollywood Propaganda

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

While recoiling in horror at such anti-American/pro-terrorist Hollywood offerings as Syriana - a movie about evil US oil companies causing innocent Muslims to become terrorists - and Munich - a movie about innocent terrorists victimized by bloodthirsty Israelis, I found out that Michael Moore has been tapped to do another re-make of King Kong.

Movie poster in the extended entry...

Saddam For Kids

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Everyone knows that if you're facing an almost-certain death sentence, the best way to avoid it is by writing a children's book to soften your image, just like Stanley "Tookie" Williams did.

Ok, that's a bad example.

But still, a tome for the wee ones IS the only ticket to freedom for a vicious killer. Without one, he's guaranteed a ride in Old Sparky. Just look at what happened to O.J.

Ok, that wasn't a good example either.

The point is that you can soon expect to hear about what a wonderful guy Saddam is once his bibliography hits the New York Times.

What's that? You didn't know Saddam wrote children's books?

Of course he did. Here's just a small sampling of his works:

* Tyranny for Tots

* Curious George Invades Iraq

* One Fish, Two Fish, Dead Fish, JOOOOOOO! Fish

* Mommy Bakes Yellowcake

* Uday and Qusay Take a Bullet

* I Can Detonate My Own Vest!

* Horton Hears a Wahabbi

* Hide and Seek, Marco Polo, and Blind Man's Bluff: The Rainy Day Book of Fun U.N. Games

* Amelia Bedelia Beheads a Hostage

* Hassan Potter and the Half-Blood Infidel

* Little Camel Fluffy Toes and the Murderous Americans

* Are You There, Allah? It's Me, Fatima

* Little House on the Sand Dune

* My First Honor Killing

* Charlie and the Chemical Weapons Factory

* "Is That An IED?": An Explodey the Mouse Story

* The Tyrant, The Weasels, and the Warmonger

* The Poky Little Puppy and Other Unclean Animals

* Green Eggs and Hamas

Don't call me with them, though. Those cowards at the NSA might be listening in.

Putting the Extra Troops to Good Use

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Rummy says that the US plans on pulling 7000 combat troops out of Iraq in 2006. Mostly because Iraqi security forces will be trained up enough to do most of the terrorist-shootin' themselves by that time. Hard to believe it's taking them this long to improve their marksmanship, but apparently Iraqis have worse aim than Ted Kennedy approaching a bridge, so we just have to make do with what we've got.

Meanwhile, we'll have 7000 troops with nothing to kill, so we'll need to find something else for them to do until Iran mouths off one time too many.

Here are my suggestions:

* Rub salve on Frank J's rash.

* Invade France - one can hold the gun while the other 6999 collect white flags from all the trembling surrender monkeys.

* Since Democrats are all pissed off about wiretapping terrorists, we'll just have the soldiers stand next to the terrorists and eavesdrop, instead.

* Use them to re-connect that loose wire on your computer's motherboard.

* No, wait... that's solders. Nevermind.

* After the '06 elections, the DNC is gonna need some logistical support to deliver their extra supplies of special "weeping hankies".

* Have them walk around New York City and gut-punch every lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastard that went on strike.

* Rebuild the levees in New Orleans.

* Preferably with the bodies of the lazy, overpaid Transport Workers Union bastards that went on strike.

* Get 'em all likkered up & suggest that it might be fun to try pushing the UN Building into the East River... "it'll be sorta like cow tipping!"

* Give them each a pointy stick and have them poke at Howard Dean to see if they can get him to make that funny sound again.

* Give them a Holocaust Cloak and a wheelbarrow and have them storm the castle.

AFTER they finish with Howard Dean.

The Truth About Iran

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Showing less self-control than a Democratic Underground troll hopped up on Red Bull and commenting at Free Republic, the President of Iran has recently made foolish statements such as "Israel should be wiped off the map", "the Holocaust never happened", and "developing a nuclear weapons program within flying distance of the Israeli Air Force is perfectly sensible".

To regain his credibility as "sane" in international diplomatic circles, President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad decided to publish a pamphlet of interesting facts about Iran. Even though I can't read the drunken-monkey-fingerpainting that passes for their written language, I'm sure that my translation is at least as accurate as any given CBS news report.

* Iran was originally settled by a busload of people who got lost on their way to a 7-11 Owners' Convention.

* Iran is ruled by the "Council of Guardians" who strictly enforce the Koran's edicts all across the land. Living in Iran is like the Muslim version of living at Ned Flanders' house.

* I guess that would make the US troops in Iraq like Homer Simpson.

* Mmmm... infidelicious...

* The Iran-Iraq border is still littered with land mines from the Iran-Iraq war. If you need to sneak across the border, bring a Mexican to show you how to do it right.

* Before the founding of the Muslim empire in the region in 700 AD, there used to be two other countries between Iran and Iraq - namely Irao and Irap.

* For 8 years, Iran battled Iraq to a standstill, a feat that the Americans were unable to duplicate for almost an entire day during the Gulf War.

* If something smells like the back end of a camel, it could be the front end of an Iranian.

* Although some people - mostly filthy hippies - say that Iran is no threat to us, I still find it suspicious that their initials stand for Islamic Radicals Aren't Nice.

* Soon to stand for Idiots Receive American Nuking.

* In a battle between Iraq and Aquaman, Aquaman would raise an army of jellyfish and... right... who am I kidding? The Iranians would chop him into lutefisk before he even hit the beach.

* Iran's national symbol is:

I have NO idea... a pole-dancing penguin wearing a Mario moustache, maybe?

Just One Little Tweak

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

The Patriot Act is coming up for renewal, and although it already contains many helpful tools for assisting law enforcement personnel - like the right to root around in your sock drawer without a warrant to see if you have a copy of "Bouncy Burkha Bondage Babes" magazine (as all terrorists do) - the law is lacking in civilian education programs.

Let's face it. Cops can't be everywhere (unless you're making an illegal U-turn), so it's important that EVERYONE knows how to spot a terrorist. Especially children, since they have keen eyes and big, tattling mouths. That's why I think the Patriot Act should include funding for printing up a fun and colorful - yet instructive - pamphlet to help people practice spotting Islamofascist deviltry.

In the extended entry, you'll find a sample page from "Where's Osama?"...

Maybe We're Better Off With The Silence

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Have you noticed lately that the MSM isn't doing diddly as far as reporting any good news from Iraq?

Me too.

So, given that there IS actually good news to be reported (as the weekly CentCom newsletter so amply demonstrates) I thought I'd share what I knew.

Interspersed - just for fun - with how I imagine your standard Liberal Media terrorist-coddling lapdogs would title the story.

Feel free to play along, if you'd like.

250,000 THREATENED WITH ARREST AND DETENTION IN IRAQ! WHO WILL BE BUSH'S NEXT VICTIM?

2. The completion of renovations to 12 schools in Baghdad, Basrah, and Al Anbar Provinces will equal a better learning environment and brighter future for over 7,200 Iraqi schoolchildren and 50 teachers.

US PROPAGANDA JUGGERNAUT ROLLS OVER IRAQI CHILDREN!

3. Over 29 km of new roads between Qadisiyah Province and Wassit Province will provide a safer travel route for farming villages to transport their crops to the market and reaching larger towns such as Baghdad.

BUSH FAILURE MAKES IT EASIER FOR ROADSIDE BOMBERS TO STRIKE!

4. 500,000 people annually will benefit from six renovated railroad station in Qadisiyah Province will provide protection from the environment while the passengers wait to board the train and for the stationmaster to schedule freight movements.

BUSH FORCES IRAQIS INTO OVERCROWDED TRAINS: EASY TARGETS FOR TERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS!

5. 150,000 residents between Baghdad, Ninewa, and Wassit Province now enjoy more reliable electricity as their 15 km of electrical power feeder were installed to local distribution substations.

IS BUSH PLANNING NEW "ELECTRIC CHAIR" TORTURE CHAMBER IN IRAQ?

6. 80,000 people between Maysan, Najaf, and Ninewa Provinces now enjoy potable water with the installation of three compact water units and repair of 27 km of water line.

IRAQI WATER MAY CONTAIN DEPLETED URANIUM: BUSH'S NEW PLOT TO POISON IRAQI BABIES!

7. Four border forts in Maysan Province and two border forts in Al Anbar Province will increase the security along the border with Iran and Saudia Arabia, allow for the proper training of the border police, and provide additional logistical support for border patrols.

BUSH'S IRAQI POLICE STATE: THE NEW EAST BERLIN?

8. The completion of a Port of Entry in Ninewa province will expedite the safe passage of thousands of vehicles and persons traveling between Iraq and Syria daily.

FASTER PASSAGE FORTERRORISTS INSURGENTS FREEDOM-FIGHTERS? BUSH SAYS "BRING IT ON"!

9. Fire stations in Al Anbar, Basrah, Diyala, and Kirkuk Provinces will increase fire security for 100,000 residents in local towns and provide an excellent training facility for firefighters.

100,000 IRAQIS LULLED INTO FALSE SENSE OF SECURITY IN SPITE OF MASSIVE FIRE THREAT!

10. Completion of cluster pump station is part of an overall project to restore water injection to pre-war levels. The water injection infrastructure is critical to providing adequate pressure on the oil reservoir in the Rumaylah field and has a direct impact on crude oil production output.

BUSH RAMPS UP THEFT OF IRAQI OIL!

By the way, the CentCom newsletter is free, contains the stories the MSM doesn't bother reporting, and can be delivered to your inbox by clicking this link & leaving your e-mail address.

If you don't sign up, then the MSM terrorists will have won.

A Review of Cindy Sheehan's New Book

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Just freakin' CREEPY...

What could possibly go wrong?

Michael Moore - "Great book. I ate a copy with some fava beans and a nice chianti."

Joan Baez - "Best. Book. Ever. I mean, if it weren't for this book, I wouldn't have my picture posted at Amazon.com?

Fine. Let's just cut to the chase. If Cindy's book were a dog, it'd be this one:

Meanwhile, I'll quote you one last Amazon review:

After reading this book everyone should be able to realize how painful it is for a mother to live without her son, how oainful it for a wife to live without husband who is killed in war.

Of course, I'm sure some people don't need a book to realize that...

Not One More Mother's Child, indeed.

UPDATE: more tracking of Amazon's review activities at IMAO and GOP and College.

Maybe They're NOT Crazy... Oh, Wait... Yes They Are

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

So I keep hearing Democrats claiming that Bush lied about the reasons for going to war in Iraq - because he said that he knew that Saddam had WMD.

But then I find out that these same Democrats - or possibly others... I can't tell, they all look alike to me - were saying that THEY knew that Saddam had WMD.

Maybe they're crazy.

But then again, maybe there's another explanation... Let's see...

* Don't look at me like that - it happened on Days Of Our Lives.

* Latest talking points memo from the Abilene Kinko's was in a hard-to-read font - confusion ensued.

* Memo may have sustained water damage from riding in a car with Ted Kennedy.

* Ditto Ted Kennedy's memory.

* Of course, that might have been the gin.

* Or the Scotch

* Possibly the Sterno

* Clinton's quotes contain the word "is", so there's no way to tell what he really meant.

* They only said those things in the first place because President Bush drove up to their houses with a huge truck full of cash & hookers. Haven't we ALL had a moment of weakness?

* What the Democrats said doesn't count because they had their fingers crossed.

* They didn't say "Saddam has WMD", they said "Saddam has WMB", as in "Saddam has Wondrous Man Booty".

* Democrats are hypocritical weasels who will do or say ANYTHING to regain political power, regardless of any negative repercussions on the troops in the field.

Eh. I'm sure ONE of those is the right answer.

I QUESTION THEIR PATRIOTISM!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some people question the patriotism of the Mainstream Media because of their incessant coverage of American casualties in the War on Terror and the way they'll flock to any random group of smelly hippies if there's a "No Blood For Oil!" sign in their midst.

Or print up a sign for them, if there isn't one handy.

But I don't think that "unpatriotism" is a fair verdict to hand down. They don't make the news, they just report it. It's not like they're actually out shooting our troops in the streets of Baghdad.

Sure, that's only because journalists are pansys who can't muster the umph to cover the 4 pounds of pressure needed to pull a trigger - plus Baghdad doesn't have a Starbucks - but really, they're merely harmless buffoons, and not seditious, unpatriotic traitors.

On the other hand, there IS a serious threat to the patrioticality of America out there, and it's HUMOR BLOGS!

For example:

Iowahawk - Documented to be on Abu Musab Al-Zarqawi's payroll. I mean, why else would he turn down that ham sandwich I offered him?

Day By Day - Keeps American soldiers hostage in his basement as a bargaining chip towards eventual syndication. Fortunately, his foul scheme is hopeless since - as I mentioned above - American newspapers are patriotic.

Cox & Forkum - Draws terrorists as muscley studs while portraying Condi with a beer gut. Yeah... wonder whose side THEY'RE on.

It's A Pundit - Makes snide remarks about rottweilers, which everyone knows to be the patrioticest dog of all.

Lileks - From Minnesota. Which is next to Canada. Which is where cooties come from. And possibly terrorists. But definitely socialized medicine. And cooties.

ScrappleFace - This once-patriotic American loyalist betrayed his country early on in the War by causing the word "weasel" to become associated with the pro-terrorist backstabbery of the French. Once proudly associated with such American traditions as chicken-thieving and the practice of law, weasels are now merely another shameful creature in a beret.

"Gee," I hear you say, "humor blogs DO seem to be a direct threat to the safety and security of all American citizens, but what about IMAO? Isn't that a humor blog, too?"

Yes, but IMAO is the only patriotic humor blog. Look at the IMAO crew, and you see the face of America:

* Frank J: Native-American (well, he WAS born in Florida, so he's technically not an immigrant)
* Harvey: Blasphemous-Unbeliever-American
* RightWingDuck: I'll-Cut-You!-American
* Kevin: Weasel-American
* Spacemonkey: Hayseed-American
* Laurence Simon: Zionist-Conspirator-American
* SarahK: Armed-and-Beauteous-American
* Aquaman: Seafood-American

We're even thinking of breaking Spacemonkey's legs to better represent Crippled Disabled Differently-Abled-Americans.

Hush-hush on that. Monkey doesn't know about it yet.

Meanwhile, I'm pre-emptively denying that this post is just part of a vicious smear-campaign against blogs that will be competing against IMAO in the "Best Humor Blog" category of The 2005 Weblog Awards (voting to begin on December 1st), and I question the patriotism of anyone who says otherwise.

THE QUOTABLE SADDAM

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Man, I hope you didn't waste your time watching the World Series. Saddam's trial was a LOT better. Here's part of the transcript:

Jaafar Moussawi (chief prosecuting attorney): I think I'm entitled to them.

Saddam: You want answers?

Moussawi: I want the truth!

Saddam: "You can't handle the truth!...Son, we live in a world that has Kurds, and those Kurds have to be killed by men with mustard gas. Who's gonna do it?... You?... Some Jew named Weinberg?

I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom. You weep for the Kurds and you curse the Baath Party. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that gassing those Kurds to death, while tragic, probably put me in the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, keeps President Bush OUT of the lead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

You don't want the truth because, deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me to gas Kurds... you need me to gas Kurds.

I use words like mass murder, slaughter, genocide. I use these words as the backbone of a life spent killing people. You use them as a criminal charge.

I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who will make a fortune selling the movie rights to the story of this trial and then questions the manner in which I killed the Kurds that made this trial possible! I would rather you just said "Allah Akbar!" and went on your way. Otherwise I suggest you pick up some mustard gas and kill some Kurds. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to."

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: (quietly) I did what I needed to do to get ahead in Laurence Simon's Dead Pool.

Moussawi: Did you gas those Kurds?

Saddam: YOU'RE GODDAMN RIGHT I DID!

YOU CALL THAT A PLAN?

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Some high-up Al-Qaeda nutjob wrote a letter to his superior Al-Qaeda nutjob proposing a "plan" for the future of Islamofascism:

The first stage: Expel the Americans from Iraq.

The second stage: Establish an Islamic authority or amirate, then develop it and support it until it achieves the level of a caliphate- over as much territory as you can[...]

Which - in terms of practicality - greatly resembles the Underpants Gnomes plan:

1) Collect underpants
2) ???
3) Profit!

or in this case:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) ???
3) Establish Caliphate!

It's a good start, but maybe they should consider streamlining it a bit:

1) Get blown up by Americans
2) Die

MUCH better.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

RAMADAN GIFT FOR TERRORISTS

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

Here's a present for all those Islamofascist bastards who spend their time blowing up civilians during their Holy Month:

"Pieg Heil!"

Judging from the hat, I think it's a beardless Osama.

Happy Ramadan, MotherF***ers.

HELPING THE TERRORISTS TO CELEBRATE RAMADAN

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

I heard the terrorists are celebrating their Holy Month by blowing people up.

While I admit that sounds like fun, I can't help but think there's gotta be another way to have a good time.

So, being from Wisconsin, which - except for the Socialists in Milwaukee and the Commies in Madison - is mostly rural and sane, I think the terrorists should take a page from the Big Book of Country Charm and celebrate it more along the lines of a County Fair.

Because fairs are fun!
(see extended entry)

COUNTER-PROTEST EQUIPMENT

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Sooner or later, a bunch of smelly hippies will come to your town and try protesting the War, and - also sooner or later - you'll get sick of their mindless sloganeering and decide to take to the streets yourself to protest their protest.

No such thing as too much free speech, ya know.

But you shouldn't go empty-handed. Bring a ClueBat.

This item is useful for "beating sense" into someone whose knowledge of "what's what" ain't quite up to where it ought to be. A versatile device, it comes in several sizes, so be sure to choose the right tool for the right job.

Small

For RINO's like John McCain or Colin Powell, and also as a preventative measure for small children who just don't know any better because they attended a public school.

Large

For politicians who just don't know when to stop talking, like John Kerry, Ted Kennedy, Nancy Pelosi, or anyone in the UN Building (except the Stachemeister, of course).

Extra Pointy

For those with exceptionally thick skulls - Alec Baldwin, Tim Robbins, most hippies.

STFU ALREADY!

For extreme cases - Michael Moore, Cindy Sheehan, Jane Fonda.

And don't forget to read the instruction manual before use:

"Fat end first, dumbass!"

Yes, with these handy tips, you'll soon be doing your part as an American citizen to create a more informed electorate.

Or at the very least, you'll have a good time.

"C'mere hippy! I want to explain my foreign policy..."

AND THE NEXT SECRETARY GENERAL OF THE UN IS...

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Ya just GOTTA figure that - sooner or later - that corrupt, embezzling weasel Kofi Annan will get perp-walked out of the UN building.

Which means they'll have to pick a new Secretary General.

Never hurts to start planning ahead. Bush didn't, and now he's got.... what... seven Supreme Court vacancies to fill?... and he's nominated John Roberts for all of them.

Lack of planning, man... just sad.

Fortunately, I'm on top of things with the UNSG. Here's my short list:

* The SON of Bambi! HE will save us from Godzilla!

* Jesse Jackson - He knows how to unite the many-colored peoples of the world into one happy rainbow. Just like Skittles!

* Mmmm... Skittles...

* Bill Gates - If anyone opposes his mighty will, he can make their computer cr

* Hmmm... must've accidentally opposed Bill Gates.

* An Inanimate Carbon Rod - He's already proved his worth by thwarting the plans of the evil insect overlords.

* Frank J. - The moon will finally get the nuking it so richly deserves.

* Jacques Chirac - Then we'd be able to ignore the UN *and* the French at the same time, thus increasing America's disdainfulness quotient.

* SarahK - She'll make the UN pretty by riddling it with bullets.

* John Bolton

HUNGER STRIKE! THE UNTOLD STORY

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Dozens of terrorist scumbags inmates at the Guantanamo Bay Detention Facility have gone on a hunger strike in an attempt to draw attention to the fact that they're not getting the due process that they're not entitled to because they're not US citizens.

Wait... that doesn't make any sense.

There must be some other reason for the hunger strikes, about which I speculate thusly:

Really pissed off about being served kosher pickles.

We won't even talk about the matzoh balls.

Trying to trick the guards into force-feeding them to satisfy their nasal-tube fetish.

A publicity stunt to get Cindy Sheehan to stop by.

Brad... Jennifer... *sob*... who can eat?

Can't properly flush a Koran using the low-flow toilets in their cells.

They're deathly afraid of hamburgers after having seen "Supersize Me".

After a 30-day interrogation session featuring Beatles music & Dr. Seuss books, they refuse to eat anything except green eggs and walrus.

Not taking a bite until Season 2 of Firefly goes into production.

I might join them for that one.

I'm too broken up about Brad & Jennifer.

HURRICANE RELIEF FROM THE UN

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently the UN offered to assist the US in dealing with the aftermath of Hurricane Katrina. Working through their Office for the Coordination of Humanitarian Affairs, the UN has requested that all member nations donate whatever they can. Below is a partial list of current pledges:

Australia - 20 million cans of Foster's, each with a souvenier crocodile-tooth can opener that says "No Worries, Mate".

Belarus - 10 black-market suitcase nukes for beefing up security against looters.

Bolivia - 10,000 bushels of cocaine to keep the rescue workers alert.

Brazil - 1 million coupons good for a free bikini wax.

Canada - one slightly used hockey stick.

China - 1 million cookies with super extra happy cheerful lucky fun fortunes, like "You find dry soon".

Cuba - 1000 flotation devices

France - Haughty, derisive laughter.

Germany - A crate of emergency lederhosen.

Greece - 200 burly, hirsute homosexuals.

Guyana - 1000 barrels of grape Kool-Aid

Iran - 1500 "freedom fighters" with explosive "liberty belts".

Ireland - 750 belligerent drunks.

Jamaica - 50 bales of weed and 1000 Rasta hats.

Japan - This handy instructional shirt-folding video.

Kenya - 50 "Holy Crap. Lions! Tours" busses.

Saudi Arabia - 1 million sandbags (bags not included)

Somalia - Assorted warlords & gunmen.

Sweden - The Bikini Team.

UK - Spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, spam, baked beans, spam, spam, spam, and spam.

Or maybe he pledged to embezzle $10 billion from the Red Cross. Hard to tell, his English is only so-so.

Anyway, if you've heard of any other pledges, feel free to mention them in the comments.

If you'd like to MAKE a pledge, see the Red Cross.

GEORGE BUSH'S HURRICANE

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

A lot of people have tried to blame Hurricane Katrina on President Bush.

Robert F. Kennedy Jr., for example, claims it's because Bush refused to sign legislation reducing CO2 output, thus contributing to global warming and causing chaotic weather patterns, including Hurricane Katrina.

Silly Bobby! George's Katrina connection is far more crafty and subtle than the ham-fisted scenario that you outline. His actual contributions to global warming include such diverse elements as:

* Boiling water to make tea, but not immediately turning off the stove burner afterwards.

* Ordering extra jalepenos with his nachos.

* Allowing Kim Jong Il's poofy hair to trap carbon dioxide - a known greenhouse gas.

* Sure, he made Kim get it cut eventually, but not until AFTER the damage was already done.

* Having two really hot daughters.

Once his negligence allowed Katrina to form, he didn't do anything to prevent it's destructive rampage. Consider:

* He could've lined the Gulf Coast with big fans and blown Katrina down to Cuba - but he didn't.

* He could've ordered the space shuttle to orbit the Earth really fast, thus turning back time so that the hurricane could've been prevented - but he didn't.

* He could've stood atop a levee shouting "By the power of Grayskull, I command you to stop!" - but he didn't.

That's right. He let Hurricane Katrina have free reign to do whatever the hell she wanted!

WHY?

Because hurricanes tend to vote Republican, THAT'S why!

But you'd think Chimpy McBushitler would've at LEAST been smart enough to make the APPEARANCE of helping out after the storm, right?

HA!

* He was overheard praying for God to "take care of those poor people in New Orleans". Apparently he meant "take care of" in the Don Corleone sense.

* Remember that plastic turkey Bush tried serving to the troops in 2003? He could've airdropped thousands of them to the victims to use as flotation devices - but he didn't!

* He was even videotaped casting a spell on the Sorcerer's Broom to carry buckets of water into the city to drown everyone!

(artist's conception of President Bush causing flooding)

But even if all this evidence doesn't convince you, you still can't deny that the following Top Secret photograph proves beyond a shadow of a doubt that George Bush is responsible for Hurricane Katrina:

(Actual picture of President Bush's weather control machine)

Crap! Gotta run! Black helicopters!!!

Don't let Bush get away with this!1!!

GEORGE BUSH IS STEALING MY OIL!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

According to modern leftist dogma, the whole reason we went to Iraq is to steal oil. Yet oil's going for nearly $70 a barrel these days.

Since it's obvious that he didn't sell it on the open market, what did W do with all that stolen oil?

My theories:

* Needed supplies for the "Oil-Wrestle Condi" contest.

* Keeps it in his personal refinery so that he has enough gas to drive his International CXT across town if he wants to.

* Dumped it in Boston Harbor as a protest against England's "Texas Tea Tax".

* He's reverse-engineering it to make an army of dinosaurs.

* Sea otters have become tragically non-flammable in recent years. Trend now reversed.

* It's still sitting in Iraq, because Bush is having trouble getting blood for it.

* Bush hopes that if he keeps enough oil for himself, his monkey-faced daughters will grow up to be as pretty as Elly May.

* It's even possible that he didn't steal the oil. Maybe it's just that there are no barrels left to put the oil in because Bush had them made into steelpan drums which he's giving away to boost his poll numbers in the Caribbean-American community.

* However, based on recently acquired satellite images, I'd have to say that it's pretty obvious that he's just hiding it in and around the White House.

(click to enlarge)

I DEMAND TO SPEAK WITH PRESIDENT BUSH

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Since demanding to speak with President Bush is the hip and trendy thing to do these days, I decided to follow Cindy Sheehan's lead and demand to speak with the President, too, because I want to know:

Who's REALLY sitting in the prison cell in Iraq?

Is it Saddam Hussein?

Or is it actually best selling author Leo Buscaglia, presumably deceased since 1998?

Mr. President, I think the American people deserve to know the truth. All those lies you keep telling us... Please...

Stop.

In the name of Love.

CAMPAIGN SLOGANS FOR RUNNING AGAINST HILLARY

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Recently Jeanine Pirro announced her intention to run for Hillary Clinton's Senate seat in 2006. As a patriotic American, I feel it's my duty to support her by offering the following suggestions for campaign slogans:

"Pirro 2006: Won't disgrace herself by showing slide shows of her family reunion set to the tune of 'Dueling Banjos'" (moderately work safe, but hard to justify - via BoingBoing)

"Pirro 2006: She won't dance around the issues."

"Pirro 2006: Never lost a billing record."

"Pirro 2006: Leaving cattle futures to the cowboys."

"Pirro 2006: Her other car ISN'T a broom."

"Pirro 2006: Because sometimes it's just WRONG to wear a bikini"

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: She can stay awake for an entire State of the Union Address."

(click to enlarge)

"Pirro 2006: Because as far as we know, this is the only thing Hillary stands for."

MEDIA SCANDAL!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment)

My blogless niece Sarah was snooping around my blog recently, saw this week's PGH:

What scandals about themselves are the Mainstream Media trying to keep quiet?

and discovered the answer:

Either ABC killed Peter Jennings, or Osama and Phillip Morris killed Peter Jennings.

Is Barbara Walters next??????

Time will tell

Last I heard ABC owned the patent on cancer.

You heard it here first, folks.

PS Methinks someone needs a blog...

THE "UN"TERNET

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted and slightly modified from IMAO)

Recently a U.N. panel was created to recommend how the Internet should be run in the future. Here are some excerpts from the report:

All internet sites will be approved by the international community, i.e. France, and any site without the official "cheese and beret" seal of approval will have resolutions passed against it.

The United States will enforce these resolutions on behalf of the UN in the face of international disapproval and ingratitude. If successful, must give full credit to France.

Any rapidly propagating viruses that slow down overall internet traffic speed will be blamed on the JOOOOOOOS!

All information posted to the internet will first be fact-checked by the Daily Kos Ministry of Truth.

The following phrases will be banned: "love notes", "graffiti currency", "blog family", "boobies".

What grudge against Bad Example?

Google will change the "Google Search" button on its home page to say "I [heart] the UN"

The "I'm Feeling Lucky" button will become "Oil For Food was a Legitimate Program that Saved Millions of Children from Cruel Starvation due to Unnecessary US Sanctions and NOT a Money Laundering Scheme Designed to Line the Pockets of Corrupt UN Bureaucrats".

All "adult content" web sites will cover naughty bits with little pictures of blue helmets.

All "adult content" sites will be thoroughly reviewed for compliance.

Until the US buys high-speed wireless internet access for all of Africa, everyone gets AOL and dial-up.

Except for those engaged in official UN compliance reviews.

All PayPal transactions must receive approval from Dr. Mbeki Salingo of Nigeria.

All bloggers will display the flags of every nation across the top of their home pages. Violators will be resolutioned.

No bushy moustaches. They frighten us.

And for you power-hungry one-worlders, just three words:

WONKETTE SAYS JOHN ROBERTS "NOT GAY ENOUGH"

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

Even with his penchant for plaid pants and his eagerness to wrestle with sweaty, half-naked young men, Supreme Court Nominee John Roberts faced strong criticism from the left for his lack of overt homosexuality.

"When Roberts was first introduced," said butt-sex-loving possibly-closeted-lesbian leftist blogger Wonkette. "I thought that Bush was trying to break ground with the first Gay-American Supreme Court justice. Why else would he give a girl's SCOTUS seat to a guy?"

"But as I looked deeper into his past, I was disappointed. Sure, he was a man-grabbing drama-princess in high school, but he also played football - although that last may have been an excuse to snag an eyeful of locker-room boy-booty."

"I really got my hopes up," continued Wonkette, "when I read that he'd had a role in the musical 'You're a Good Man, Charlie Brown'. I thought that if he played that *ahem* thumb-sucker Linus - you know, the one who kept rebuffing that pretty blond girl, Sally - that would seal the deal on him being light in the loafers. Unfortunately, he played Peppermint Patty."

"I guess I should give him SOME gay-cred for portraying a lesbian, though."

When questioned directly at a recent press conference, Roberts briefly acknowledged his disappointly mild homosexuality.

"Of course I'm gay," said Roberts. "Who wouldn't be festive & cheerful after being nominated to the Supreme Court? But I'll try to contain myself until after the hearings."

TERRORIST SPOTTING QUIZ

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

After the terrorist bombings in London, it's become more important than ever for the average citizen to be able to detect crazy Muslims who mean us harm. As a public service to my readers, I offer this simple quiz to help you determine your terrorist-spotting ability. Simply aim your sidearm at the correct answer and pull the trigger. If your monitor doesn't explode, you've chosen correctly:

2) Label on designer suit jacket reads "C4 of Hollywood"
a) Terrorist
b) Worthress Arec Bardwin

3) Towel on head
a) Terrorist
b) Galactic Hitchhiker eluding Ravenous Bugbladder Beast of Traal

4) Swarthy, hirsuite, bearded man with evil glint in his eye and no discernable sense of humor
a) Terrorist
b) Harvey

5) Sneakers have radiation symbol instead of Nike Swoosh
a) Terrorist
b) Merchandising whore Kobe Bryant

6) Makes pet Yorkie wear an explosive cardigan
a) Terrorist
b) Gay terrorist

7) Memorizes Holy Book, flies into murderous rage at slightest hint of blasphemy
a) Terrorist
b) SarahK

8) Prominently displays crescent moon on front door
a) Terrorist
b) Outhouse

9) Shouts "ULULULULULULULU!"
a) Terrorist
b) Country singer who misses his girlfriend, Lulu

10) Hates dogs
a) Terrorist
b) Terminator

11) Lives in the desert, sleeps in a tent, fires gun in the air at weddings
a) Terrorist
b) Buck the Marine

12) Man wearing long, flowing, badly-fitting dress
a) Terrorist
b) Transvestite

13) Kills innocent people when they least expect it
a) Terrorist
b) Ted Kennedy

14) Tries to smuggle weapons through airport security
a) Terrorist
b) Grandma and her knitting needles

15) Whooping it up at a strip club for a final night of earthly pleasure before his long-awaited entrance into Paradise
a) Terrorist
b) Frank J. at his bachelor party

America's safety depends on you getting a perfect score.

THE EMPIRE STRIKES BACK!

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment, cross-posted from IMAO)

After the cowardly attacks in London, the Brits went completely whacking hatstand, plotting bloody vengeance against those what done them wrong.

In their own typical, understated, cultured, and excessively polite English way, the Crown's Tommy's re-doubled their efforts in the Middle East to stick a dagger in the heart of organized Muslim terror.

Amongst the weaponry rapidly deployed against the filthy terrorists were such diverse elements as:

The 20 Megaton Nuclear Crumpet of Mild Inconvenience

The Terribly Sorry About That Old Chap 7.62mm Explosive Sniper Round

The Didn't Mean to Trouble You Electrified Gonad Zapper and Battlefield Intelligence Procurer

The Double-Oh Eyeball Knife

Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Spam Napalm Spam Spam Spam and Spam

The Bit of a Sticky Rocket-Propelled Wicket

The 'Tis But a Scratch Depleted Uranium Bugger the Blighters Bunker Buster Missile

The Not Quite Cricket Cluster Bomb

The Nudge Nudge Say No More Bazooka

And...

A special propaganda bomb containing pamphlets imprinted with a single, multiple choice question:

"Sunny morning, me cheeky monkeys, and quiz me this: What word best describes Osama bin Laden?

A) arse-bandit
B) back scuttler
C) battyboy
D) beaver leaver
E) bender
F) brown hatter
G) buftie
H) bum-chum
I) chutney ferret
J) friend of Dorothy
K) fudge nudger
L) jobby jabber
M) knob jockey
N) marmite miner
O) mincer
P) pillow-biter
Q) poncey
R) poofter
S) shirtlifter
T) uphill gardener
U) all of the above

ANSWER: OO! Sorry! Trick question! The correct answer is "You'll be stone dead in a moment because the bomb after this one won't be filled with paper. Cheerio, ya rammy arse-monger!"

I *do* so love the Brits. Bless them and pray for them, and may their swords forever drip with the blood of Mangy Mohammeds.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NEW WHITE HOUSE PRESS CONFERENCE STRATEGY

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

At a recent White House press conference...

SCOTT MCCLELLAN: Good afternoon. Although I'm usually the one who has to handle questions from you journalistic jackals, President Bush has informed me that I'm not being aggressive enough with my responses, and he'll be handling the briefing today... Mr. President?

W: And you're too damn fat, too. Now, in order to encourage more respectful questions, I'll be instituting a program of rewards and punishments as a way of giving you feedback on your level of professionalism. Ok, who wants to go first?

ABC: Why is murdering journalists the official policy of the US Armed Forces?

W: I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Could you please step a little closer to the podium?

ABC: Sure... How's that?

W: Perfect... [presses button opening trap door]

ABC: EEEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee...

W: Since that pit has no bottom that I'm aware of, I should just go ahead & take the next question...

CBS: As CBS proved last year, you went AWOL from the National Guard. When will you be surrendering yourself for prosecution by a military tribunal?

W: Now THAT was a fair and balanced question. Here... have this cookie as your reward...

CBS: Tofu! My favorite! [munch, munch]

W: Now... you can either have the answer to your question or the antidote to the poison in the cookie.

CBS: I... [THUD!]

W: Hmmm... that recipe needs some fine-tuning... NEXT!

NBC: NAZI! Why don't you just grow a postage-stamp moustache and goose-step around the Oval Office?

W: Does the phrase "dodged a bullet" mean anything to you? [BLAM! BLAM!... THUD!]... guess not... Next question.

CNN: Could you please give us details on how you let Iraq turn into such a quagmire, and also, when ARE you going to grow that moustache, Hitler?

W: Good question. The answer is, the venom of a black mamba can kill a human being in four hours if, say, bitten on the ankle or the thumb, However, a bite to the face or torso can bring death from paralysis within 20 minutes.

CNN: I don't understand how that relates to...

W: You will... [pulls rope releasing a shower of black mambas from the ceiling]

CNN: AAH! AAH! OH GOD! MY FACE! AAAAAAAH!

W: Anyway, let me check with my research team and I'll get back to your question in about 20 minutes... NEXT!

MSNBC: Do you have an exit strategy for ending the unilateral occupation of Iraq that you're only doing to steal oil because you lied about WMD as proven by the Downing Street Memo?

W: Well, as Rummy explained some time ago, it's more of a victory strategy than an exit strategy. The key to it is that we're adopting Zell Miller's "spitball" techniques. Let me show you... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY EYE! I'M BLIND!

W: No, you're only half-blind... *spitooie!*

MSNBC: OW! MY OTHER EYE!

W: NOW you're blind... NEXT!

REUTERS: How do you sleep at night knowing that the blood of millions of innocent Iraqi civilians is on your hands?

W: Well, I find that being mauled by pit bulls is quite conducive to relaxation... See for yourself... [whispering to Scott] release the hounds...

[*barking, chewing, screaming*]

W: Can we get a mop in here?... Now, who's next?

[silence]

W: I guess that wraps this thing up... still plenty of cookies left if you guys are hungry.

ALL REPORTERS: YAY! FREE FOOD!

W [to Scott, as they leave the room together]: Lord help them, they're just not. That. Bright.

SCOTT: They did major in journalism...

W: Touché

SCOTT: We're gonna need some help removing all these bodies...

W: Yeah... maybe we can get that guy who handled all of the Clintons' corpse-related issues. You know... that Gollum-looking fella...

SCOTT: James Carville?

W: That's the one.

SCOTT: He's a pretty staunch Democrat. I don't think he'll help us.

W: Persuade him...[hands Scott some Polaroids]

SCOTT: Is that a llama that he's...?

W: See if he'll take those as payment.

SCOTT: Very good, Mr. President... [hurrys away]

W: I love press conferences... [strolls down the hall whistling "Yellow Rose of Texas"]

RELOCATING TERRORISTS

(A Precision Guided Humor Assignment cross-posted from IMAO)

With all the hubbub about terrorists being tortured at Gitmo, the pansy Republicans agreed to shut down the detention facilities.

Not wanting to be accused of exacerbating the homeless problem, they started handing out government grants to encourage the creation of private detention facilities.

I checked it out - $50 per month per terrorist. That's some sweet cash!

So I figured I'd make a little money on the side by starting my own concentration camp, "Harv's House O' Happy Hebrew-Haters". All I had to do was keep these wacky Muslims from either escaping or complaining to Amnesty International and I'd make enough money to get that cool new PornStation Portable I'd had my eye on.

It seemed like a good idea at the time, but - as you can tell from the security tape excerpts - it... could've gone better...

ABDUL: AIEEEEE! Stop torturing me with that horrible noise!

HARV: (muttering) Crap! There's the "T" word! I'll never get my PSP if word of this gets out! (normal voice) But it's "Mecca and the Mohammeds!" It's got all those twangy sitars and people going "ULULULULULU!" that you jihadis like so much.

ABDUL: You KNOW what I want to hear...

HARV: But...

ABDUL: SING, infidel!

HARV [in best Britney voice]: Oops!...I did it again
I played with your heart, got lost in the game
Oh baby, baby
Oops!...You think I'm in love
That I'm sent from above
I'm not that innocent...

HARV: In order to obtain your "Civilized Human Being" certification, you have to complete several excercises. The first is to write "I will not blow people up" 1000 times on this chalkboard.

JAMAL: 100 times.

HARV: 500.

JAMAL: 50.

HARV: You're supposed to go UP, not DOWN, you idiot!

JAMAL: You called me a name! I'm telling Amnesty International!

HARV: Fine. 50. Here's your chalk.

JAMAL: TORTURE!

HARV: NOW what?

JAMAL: Chalk dust is a carcinogen, just like second-hand smoke!

HARV: Chalk dust is completely harmless!

JAMAL: You're a torturer! AND a tool of Big Chalk!

HARV: Have you been watching Truth.com commercials again?

HARV: Ok, Khalid, here's your drink...

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: But it's Mecca Cola! The kind with real camel pee!

KHALID: There's no ice.

HARV: There! Two cubes.

KHALID: TORTURE!

HARV: For God's sake! NOW what?

KHALID: Too much ice. It'll get watery. Oh, and you took the Lord's name in vain. Put my drink in a Betty Boop Freezer Mug or I'll tell SarahK on you!

At this point I snapped and beat them all bloody with my Louisville Slugger.

I have to go to a Siberian Gulag for sensitivity training next week, but at least I found out where Osama's hiding. Figure I can trade the information for a PSP.

mmmm... porta-porn...

CHEERING UP A MARINE

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Chris of FlashBang has joined the Marines, so I'm giving him ammo to get him through boot camp:

First, something I just now made up:

Q: How many Marines does it take to change a light bulb?
A: OO-RAH!!

Next, something I stole from Rick of Me & My MAC:

A Marine walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives her a quick glance then casually looks at his watch for a moment.

The woman notices this and asks, "Is your date running late?"

"No," he replies, "I just got this state-of-the-art watch, and I was just testing it."

The intrigued woman says, "A state-of-the-art watch? What's so special about it?"

The Marine explains, "It uses alpha waves to talk to me telepathically."

The lady says, "What's it telling you now?"

"Well, it says you're not wearing any panties...."

"The woman giggles and replies, "Well it must be broken because I am wearing panties!"

The Marine smirks, taps his watch and says, "Damn thing's an hour fast."

And I close with another something I made up:

Q: How many terrorists does it take to change a light bulb?
A: After the Marines get through with them, the only thing they'll change is into corpses.

Give 'em hell, Chris.

Semper Fi.

MICHAEL MOORE'S NEXT DOCUMENTARY: SQUIRRELHEIT 9/11

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Sitting by his trough of feed
Fat man contemplates a screed.
A new film full of lies & hate
To prove to all that he's still great.

He straps a camera to his lard
And goes out into his back yard.
Assaulting squirrels with his lens
To find out what they knew, and when.

The rodent branch of the GOP
Is guilty too, as all will see.
Tree rats are in league with Bush!
Is the story Mike will push.

Squirrels started Nine One One
Knocking buildings down for fun.
Evil, furry terrorists
Threaten us with tiny fists.

Haliburton's squirrel division
Was behind this vile mission.
With secret vats of squirrel drugs
To control these fuzzy thugs.

Muslims really aren't to blame.
BUSH controls the terror game.
His rodent minions sack and pillage,
Bomb and napalm every village.

People dying everywhere!
Corpses piled up in town squares!
Plague and torture! Blight and death!
Nut-reek stinky squirrel breath!

Doom is coming! All will die!
Don't trust Bush! He'll only lie!
Michael Moore speaks truth to power!
Heed him now, this final hour!

Only Mike can set you free!
From squirrel/Bush conspiracy!
Exit safely terror's thicket -
Coming soon! (12 bucks per ticket)

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

HELPING THE DEMOCRATIC PARTY

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It makes me weep to see the Democrats get thrashed in election after election, so I'm offering some helpful tips on how they can improve their chances in 2006 and beyond:

Have all Democratic candidates run around screaming "YEARRRRRGH!" so as to make Howard Dean seem normal.

Rename it the "Demoshizzilatic Par-TAY!" to attract the youth vote.

Just kidding. Trusting the youth vote is like trusting Bill Clinton's marriage vows.

Read the parts of the Bible to the right of the page where it says "Published by Tyndale House"

Adhere closely to the "cigars are ONLY for SMOKING" rule.

Drive Hummers.

Bonus for driving them over hippies.

Fill in the blank: "The only good terrorist is a(n) _______ terrorist". If your answer was "hugged", "understood", or "appeased", try again.

Things that should be cut: taxes, trees, your graying ponytail.

Try running talentless hack action movie actors for high elective office. And no, you can't borrow Bruce Willis.

No, Eastwood is ours, too.

When someone mentions the word "God", don't get that goosed Chihuahua look.

Admit that "wetland" is just a fancy word for "swamp". Mud doesn't need protective legislation.

Don't even THINK about passing a "fat tax" to "promote healthy eating habits". Remember, Congressmen are a good source of protein and they taste like chicken.

The only difference between Ted Kennedy and a mumbling wino is a shave and a New England accent. Lock him away somewhere, he's scaring the children.

Hillary = Bill = you lose. Don't use her.

Seriously. Put down the Hillary & back away slowly.

Old IBM Selectric typewriters can be obtained fairly cheaply off of eBay.

Ditto Armstrong Williams.

But the most important change the Democrats can make?

Root for the guys wearing the body armor, NOT the guys wearing the explosives.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

SPOTTING LIBERAL BIAS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

After the Dan Rather Memogate report came out, I was surprised to read that CBS's actions did NOT constitute liberal bias.

Confused, I decided that I needed to upgrade my bias-spotting abilities. I chose to go directly to the expert on the topic - Dan Rather. The following is a partial transcript of our conversation:

Dan: There's nothing to be puzzled about. Everything I said was the truth, and any use of the truth is, by definition, not biased.

Harv: But those memos were fake!

Dan: Fake, but accurate.

Harv: Bull, but shit. Anyway, let's see if I can understand where you guys draw the line between objectivity and bias. Take, for example, this recent headline from the CBS web site: "Bush publicly fondles woman's breast"

Dan: All true

Harv: Bush was 6 months old and breastfeeding at the time.

Dan: A grope by any other name.

Harv: So... not biased?

Dan: Nope.

Harv: Ok, how about this one: "Bush blends puppy in White House"

Dan: All true.

Harv: Are you sure you're not thinking of Glenn Reynolds?

Dan: Who?

Harv: Nevermind. Please... explain.

Dan: When Barney first arrived at the White House, he wasn't quite weaned, and Bush had to mix up a special formula for his food. I guess someone forgot to put the comma after the word "blends". Just an innocent typo on that one.

Harv: Hmmmm... I guess. But what about, "Bush's secret love affair with Saddam"?

Dan: Heh. Just another innocent typo. Bush was reminiscing about how, when he was a boy, he saw Emmett Kelly at the circus. That headline was supposed to read, "Bush's secret love: a fair with sad man".

Harv: Ummm... yeah... So what about "Bush backdoors goat"

Dan: "Bush backwards coat" - He bought a reversible jacket.

Harv: Slow news day?

Dan: Just Michael Moore winning the People's Choice Award. No one cares about him when he shaves & wears a suit.

Harv: Have to agree. Now this one... "Bush disembowels Iraqi babies, bathes in their entrails".

Dan: Supposed to be "Bush wins second term". Boy, that webmaster's been sloppy lately. Looks like he'll have to go on the chopping block along with everyone else who isn't me.

Harv: You have NO conscience. How do you sleep at night?

Dan: Naked on a pile of money.

So there you have it. CBS doesn't do bias. Just typos.

Rot in hell, Rather, you worthless, lying sack of crap.

OOPS! That was supposed to be "distinguished news anchor". Guess I'll have to fire my proofreader.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NON-STINGY TSUNAMI AID

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Apu & Vidu, two Sri Lankans tasked with distributing tsunami relief supplies, are working in the intake warehouse doing inventory prior to sending the goods on to the needy. Let's listen in..

Apu: ... blankets, medicine, clothes, canned goods...

Vidu: Must be another crate from America. They always give cool stuff. OO! Look! Spiderman pajamas!

Apu: That's probably from some blogger.

Vidu: Ya know, for being stingy, there sure is a lot of stuff with Jesusland return addresses.

Apu: And not much from the United States of Canada.

Vidu: Speaking of not much, I could use a break. Let's go inventory stuff from the non-stingy parts of the world for a while.

Apu: What... that tiny pile in the corner?... Sure. Shouldn't take more than a couple minutes.

Vidu: Here's a box from France... cigars?

Apu: Actually, those are from Bill Clinton. They must've got put in the wrong pile.

Vidu: Do these smell funny to you?

Apu: You shouldn't touch those. You don't know where they've been.

Vidu: I have my suspicions...

Apu: We'll give 'em to a UN diplomat later... Ah! There's the box from France...

Vidu: Dirty berets & flags.

Apu: EW! They smell like those cigars!

Vidu: I thought the French flag was blue, white & red?

Apu: One out of three ain't bad. What's next?

Vidu: Something from North Korea... I didn't think they had anything to spare. I heard they were so desperate they were eating grass.

Apu: At least they're not eating stinky cigars.

Vidu: Even *Bill* wouldn't eat something that smelled like that. Let's see what's in the... GAH! Dead poodles!

Apu: No... that's just leftovers from the "Let us trim our hair in accordance with Socialist lifestyle." campaign.

Vidu: What are we going to do with a 200-pound hairy box?

Apu: I'll bet Bill asked himself the same question...

Vidu: You're disgusting...

Apu: Moving right along, we have this from Canada.

Vidu: 100,000 "Kerry for President" bumper stickers?

Apu: They'll make good toilet paper.

Vidu: Kinda sticky to be any good.

Apu: I'll bet Bill said the same...

Vidu: Will you please SHUT UP?

Apu: Sorry. Couldn't help myself. What's in this one?

Vidu: Looks like oily kitchen table cloths.

Apu: Must be from the Saudis.

Vidu: I would have expected them to send something USEFUL. [holds up a cloth] What am I supposed to do with this greasy, nasty thing?

Apu: I'll bet Bill asked...

Vidu: I'm going to KILL you! [starts strangling Apu with oily cloth]

While Apu & Vidu sort out their differences, I'd like to take this opportunity to remind everyone the the victims of the tsunami could still use help.

Oddly enough, Bill Clinton DID say that.

SIC SEMPER TSUNAMI!

BETTER OSAMA VIDEOS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Sure, videos of terrorists reading political speeches into a microphone are informative, but there's no entertainment value. Time to spice things up a bit, Osama, so your next video ain't as dull as a Bob Newhart phone call sketch.

First, you have to realize that this is the 21st century, and audiences expect eye-popping graphics in the opening credits. Maybe you could have a picture of someone backdooring a camel which morphs into your face, and then have that explode into flaming letters that spell OSAMA!

That should get people's attention.

Now I realize you're kinda locked into the semi-documentary format for the rest of it, but perhaps you could spice it up a bit with random pop-up trivia boxes that would provide the audience with:

At any given time, more than 30,000 fleas call Osama's beard home.

1527 of them currently sublet to lice.

OSAMA is actually an acronym for Old Stupid Asshole Molesting Animals.

Used to work in a meat processing plant, smoking bacon, although he claims he didn't inhale.

Wants to be Saddam's 72nd virgin.

Still bitter that Michael Moore edged him out for first prize at Cannes.

Claims to this day that the "goat incident" was consensual.

Osama spelled backwards is "amaso" which, coincidentally, is Arabic for "turd"

When completely unwrapped, Osama's turban is 66 feet long, which should be plenty enough to hang the bastard.

Favorite ice cream flavor - Sandy Road.

Osama's less famous cousin Bob Bin Laden sells used cars in Newark.

Bob never masterminded a terrorist attack, but he'll still try to sell you undercoating that you don't need, so don't trust him!

Although Osama appears to be reading his speech, if you'll look closely you can see that he's actually lip synching "Cabaret"

His profound love of show tunes does NOT impugn his heterosexuality.

Much.

The first thing Osama ever blew up was an inflatable sheep.

That doesn't make him gay, either.

The fact that he's wearing lipstick IS a bad sign, though.

Ok, he's a poofter, but he's still closeted, so don't tell him I told you.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

AL FRANKEN IN IRAQ

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Al Franken - annoying, unfunny leftist and cornerstone of the surprisingly undead Air America network - is in Iraq with the USO, ostensibly to entertain the troops. Personally, I suspect he's there for other reasons, which I speculate about thusly:

Looking for Whoopi Goldberg's eyebrows.

Searching out John Kerry's missing Ohio votes.

House hunting for Alec Baldwin.

Expanding his horizons by being unfunny in Farsi

Negotiating with Aljazeera to get them to carry Air America's programming.

Which would bring their total number of affilliates up to... what? Five?

Needed to go to the Arabian desert because there isn't enough sand in America to make those impossibly thick eyeglass lenses of his.

Crappy American comedians simply do better overseas. See also: Jerry Lewis - France.

Because there's no Farsi word for "sucky".

However, there IS one for "Rat bastard giving aid and comfort to the enemies of Iraqi freedom! You die now!", which he will no doubt discover in due course.

Well, whatever he's doing over there, let's just hope he takes his sweet time coming back.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

GIFTS FOR THE TROOPS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

It's almost Christmas, and it's time to start thinking of all the lonely soldiers stuck in the sandbox for the holidays. I'm thinking some of the following items might cheer them up:

Non-goat-related porn

Toilet paper featuring Michael Moore's face.

Bottles of French wine - with the wine poured out and replaced with something less turpentiney

More armor. Maybe we could cut up one of John Kerry's SUV's

Sorry, one of his family's SUV's.

Nike Air Terr-O-Stomper brand combat boots.

Hardee's Monster Thickburger - hold the camel.

Desert camo foam dome.

Decorative brass balls for their Humvees.

A toilet that flushes with sand instead of water.

Reindeer horns for their tanks & APC's

12,000 Whos who will SING! SING! SING! SING! until the insurgents are driven quite thoroughly mad.

Oh, and of course, this little reminder of just what exactly they're fighting for:

(click to enlarge)

(hat tip to I Hate My Cubicle!!! for the pic)

Merry Christmas, boys.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

UPDATE: One serious gift for the troops, courtesy of Matty O'Blackfive:

Kevlar blankets.

Go find out how you can help give the gift of bullet-resistance.

If you're undecided, think of it this way:

If the soldier were here, you'd buy him a drink without thinking twice.

Take the drink money & buy him some Kevlar now, so you CAN buy him that drink later.

TERRORIST CHRISTMAS PRESENTS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Good boys & girls get toys.

Bad boys & girls get coal.

I got handcuffs. I have no idea what that means.

But the TRULY rotten folks - like, say, terrorists - can expect something else. Like maybe...

A nice, cuddly puppy dog, since Muslims worship dogs as holy.

Or is that Hindus with cows?... Whatever.

A box of bullets clearly labeled "For Internal Use Only" and delivered from the rifles of happy Marines wearing Santa hats.

A crate of dreidels.

A 55-gallon drum of pickled pig's feet. MMMMM! Pork-o-licious!

Inflatable camels that explode upon penetration.

New tents. With big red bullseyes on top and GPS beacons in the tentpoles.

A container marked "beard conditioner" containing pubic lice.

Send them to go play an addictive flash game like the perfectly safe for work Warthog Launch. Forget terrorist activity, they won't even leave their chairs to go take a crap.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go pop some purple floaty alien things...

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

[Hat tip to Stupid Evil Bastard - be sure to check the amusing comments]

DAN RATHER'S NEW JOB

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

All good things must come to an end. Fortunately all bad things do similarly, including 20+ years of Dan Rather's smug liberal puss leering out from behind the CBS Evening News anchor chair.

Hounded out under the shadow of scandal, he'll have to find some other way to draw a paycheck in his sunset years. I speculate thusly:

Enron's new CEO

Should Hillary run in '08, he can be in charge of quelling Bill's "bimbo eruptions".

Helping OJ find "the real killers".

Saddam's prison bitch.

DNC fundraiser dunk-tank clown

Pajama salesman

Michael Moore's back up Twinkie-fetcher

Frozen flagpole tongue-tester

Empire State Building lightning rod holder.

Crash test dummy.

Barnyard animal masturbator

Pamplona's post-Bull-Run street sweeper

Chief Justice of the Supreme Court

No, wait... that's Bart Simpson's gig.

San Francisco bath house glory hole sanitizer

Realistically speaking, though, I'm pretty sure Rather's next job will revolve around the words, "Fries with that?"

On the other hand, I see there's a Kinko's in Texas that's hiring (I bolded some items that make this an especially good fit):

RESUMES MUST BE SUBMITTED AS A WORD DOCUMENT TO BE CONSIDERED
****MULTIPLE POSITIONS AVAILABLE******

Minimum Qualifications and Requirements:
High school diploma or equivalent.
3-5 years applicable work experience.
Excellent verbal and written communication skills.
Working knowledge of PC-based business applications as needed.
Ability to multi-task.

General Duties and Responsibilities:
This is a representative list of the general duties the position may be asked to perform and is not intended to be all-inclusive. Work requires a combination of routine and diversified duties with standard instructions and procedures as guides. Duties are standardized and require making minor decisions within pre-established guidelines and procedures. Requires general supervision, with work being checked on a weekly or semi-monthly basis.

Decision making authority is limited.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

COMPLETELY UNBIASED LEGACY MEDIA STORIES

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the presidential elections over, you'd think the mainstream media would finally shut up.

Or at LEAST have gotten a front-end alignment to nudge over that nasty leftward pull.

But you'd be wrong.

Here are my predictions for what the old media will be spouting off about as 2004 winds down:

A girl in Alaska arranged to have her mother murdered, and then blogged about it on her LiveJournal site. Expect the Legacy Media to demand "blog control" legislation and call for the banning of "assault blogs", i.e. any web site that has more than 10 entries on the front page, can be converted to fully automatic posting, or which can be fitted with a pistol grip.

Angsty college students, pony-tailed hippies, and bored trust-fund babies celebrated "Buy Nothing Day" on November 27th to protest "consumerism". Millions of people rushed out to not buy the New York Times or Washington Post, which, oddly, didn't make these newspapers happy.

After it was revealed that UN Secretary General Kofi Annan's son was siphoning off Oil-for-Food program money faster than Michael Moore sucks the creme filling out of Twinkies, the Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing such an obvious scandal. President Bush responded by invading the UN and stealing its oil.

Pakistan recently banned the November 22nd issue of Newsweek magazine for showing "bias against Islam". The Legacy Media blamed Bush for not "connecting the dots" and preventing this blatant attempt at censorship. President Bush responded by invading Pakistan, stealing its oil, and forcing Pakistanis to read the offending issue of Newsweek while stacked in naked pyramids and being pointed at by Lyndie England.

A paralyzed woman was able to walk after receiving stem cell therapy. Despite the fact that this didn't even happen in America, the Legacy Media was quick to accuse Bush of declaring a genocidal war on the world's disabled population. The New York Times editorialized: "Today, there is one less person in a wheelchair, thus reducing the size of the global handicapped differently-abled community. Only someone as evil as President Bush would be pleased by the threat of slow destruction that's currently being posed to the world's wheelchair-enhanced peoples."

Legacy Media resoundingly backs Howard Dean for the new chairman of the DNC. Republicans try not to giggle while pretending to look scared.

Matthew Shepard's murderers reveal new information about what happened that night. According to brutal murderer Russell Henderson, George W. Bush was the wheelman that fateful evening. Poorly photoshopped pictures recently faxed to CBS appear to corroborate the story.

Iraqi elections planned for January 30th may be postponed as Ralph Nader sues for ballot access. Nader was widely quoted as saying "it's not like I'll do any WORSE over there. Besides, at least I don't have to worry about Bush stealing THAT election, too." President Bush responded by invading Nader's campaign headquarters and stealing its oil.

Which turned out to be mostly patchouli-based.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

CELEBRATION!

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

November 12 was the day that Yassir Arafat was finally buried, causing much celebration amongst the freedom-loving peoples of the world, as well as causing PeTA to protest the deliberate poisoning of innocent worms.

This date has been declared International Dead Terrorist Day (yes, I know he died on the 11th, but that day is already set aside to celebrate those who kill terrorists).

Here are some ways to celebrate International Dead Terrorist Day:

Tie together several dead terrorists like corn shocks and put them on your front porch.

Custom printed baby wipes that say "Help "wipe" out terror!"

Sprinkle sand in your beard to simulate a post-bullet-injected terrorist.

Shout "Allah akbar, but Marines are akbarer!"

Prepare a traditional terrorist meal of falafel, sand, and camel dung, then shoot it.

Shoot it twice. It might be just faking being dead.

Find a picture of Abu Musab al-Zarqawi and throw it in your toilet. Have a friend pee on it with you, so that the twin streams of urine can symbolize the Tigris & Euphrates Rivers.

Wear a turban. Laugh at how silly you look in it. Take it off & shoot it.

Twice... you know why.

Fart towards Mecca 5 times.

Bonus for lighting them.

Find a Koran and flip it open at random. Make funny sentences by taking words out of context from random passages, like, "Mohammed... love... hot... sheep and goats... now... good... like woman."

Oops. That one's actually in there. But you get the idea.

Steal some oil.

Check your septic tank to make sure there aren't any former Iraqi dictators hiding in it.

If you find one, shoot him twice.

Support the 101st Muppet Division.

Spend some time taking care of your Osamagotchi virtual terrorist toy.

Cook lots of turkey, mashed potatoes, stuffing, candied yams...

No, wait... that's Thanksgiving.

Nevermind.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

BLUE STATE BLUES

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the election safely behind us, I thought things would be quiet. I forgot there'd be copious wailing & gnashing of teeth from those dissatisfied with the outcome.

The most common response was the sound of people logging on to Priceline.com and booking one-way fares to Paris.

Ok, that was just Arafat.

Here are some other reactions that I just now made up:

George Soros: $82,000 for this monstrosity? I'm RUINED!

Ok, that was Herbert Powell after he built Homer Simpson's car, but I understand George's reaction was similar, give or take a few zeroes.

Alec Baldwin: I need whiskey, cocaine & prostitutes! STAT!

Rosie O'Donnell: Despite the election results, bush will still be licked.

Ed Asner: [grips chest, falls over, registers 7.1 on the Richter scale]

Janneane Garafalo: I'm still funny! I'm still relevant! Don't you hang up on me! Don't you... Hello?

Whoopi Goldberg: Bush stole the election! And my eyebrows!

Al Franken: Huh. I guess *I'm* the big fat idiot.

Hillary Clinton: [does happy dance]

Bill Clinton: WHOO-HOO! Two more years, then Hillary hits the campaign trail and I'll be in Harlem Hooker Hummer Heaven!

The Dixie Chicks: PLEASE come to our concerts! We'll even let you stifle our dissent! PLEEEEEASE? We REALLY need money!

Michael Moore: [throws away script for Ketchup 9/11]

Bruce Springsteen: Well, the song WAS "Born to Run", not "Born to Win".

Ted Kennedy: Heh. Well, Kerry, looks like you're back to being junior Senator again. Now fetch me some gin and a fresh intern.

Al Sharpton: I *told* you I should've gotten the nomination! At least then we could've played the race card after the election. Stupid racist crackers!

Jesse Jackson: *sigh* Back to making illegitimate children...

John Kerry: Wait! Where are you going? It's not over yet! I have a plan! A PLAN, I tell you!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

380 TONS OF EXPLOSIVES

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

According to the Legacy Media, 380 tons of explosives have gone missing in Iraq, and nobody seems to know what happened to them.

I'd like to solve that mystery by declaring that I'm the one who took it. It's currently stacked up in my garage. And don't believe Bush's assertions to the contrary.

Don't worry though, I assure you that I will only use it for peaceful purposes.

Ok, MOSTLY peaceful.

Here's what's on the to-do list:

Attempt to launch the Eiffel Tower into orbit.

Use it to print explosive currency and make a hefty donation to MoveOn.org.

And I suppose I could use some of it to pay off Yassir Arafat's hospital bills, too. Does anyone know what Euros look like?

Start an explosives breeding program. Soon I'll have 760 tons. MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

DAMN! I just checked - all the explosives are female. I'll have to order something from explosivestuds.com.

Create the ultimate squirrel-proof birdfeeder.

Turns out it's also bird-proof. I'm still tweaking the design.

By adding a little patchouli scent, I can also make it hippy-proof.

Kerry/Edwards bumper sticker removal kits.

Explosive-tipped baby harp seal clubs.

Retaliate against the Arab world by blowing up THEIR tallest building. Shouldn't need much to take out a 2-story tent.

Do they even HAVE buildings? I might have to settle for a particularly tall camel.

I was thinking about making some of those gag exploding golf balls, but I have so much of the stuff, maybe I'll make an exploding golf course, instead.

Suicide bomber jackets. I wonder if I should mention that I set the timers a couple hours ahead?

Nah. I'm sure they'll notice.

"Special" cigars for Fidel Castro. I've heard he appreciates a good practical joke.

Xtreme Play-Doh!

I finally saw Matrix: Revolutions last week. I think I should give some "money" to the Wachowski brothers, too.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

OCTOBER SURPRISE

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Every election needs a last-minute, deal-busting revelation to come out just to keep things interesting.

And sell papers.

My predictions for the 2004 Presidential race:

It will be discovered that gin-soaked raisins don't cure arthritis, but actually cause cancer.

Terry Kerry will counter that they only causes cancer in laboratory animals and people who've never held a real job.

The Bush-cocaine rumor will re-surface, with the twist being that W was too dumb to realize that it was actually powdered sugar.

Documents emerge showing that - while attending Viet Nam peace talks in Paris in 1971 - John Kerry played strip poker with Viet Cong leader Madame Nguyen Thi Binh

While a cheerleader in Texas, George Bush slept with the Captain of the football team.

After the Democratic convention, Republican operatives secretly replaced Terry Kerry with Karl Rove in drag. John Kerry reportedly commented "I thought she was unusually snug lately"

The goose that John Kerry claims to have shot was actually faxed to him from a Kinko's in Abilene.

Elizabeth Edwards has an explosive temper and once shot a bathroom scale for "being a filthy liar".

That object that John Kerry smuggled into the first debate wasn't a pen, but a pocket gay-dar, which enabled him to detect and reveal Mary Cheney's lesbianicity.

John Edwards is a grown man who takes 5 minutes to comb his hair and he carries a compact. John Kerry has to turn his pocket gay-dar off whenever they're together.

Kerry campaign operatives were discovered to be behind the recent spate of Blogspot and mu.nu blog outages.

Hitler endorses Kerry using Christopher Reeves's magic beyond-the-grave cell phone.

Bush once won a Texas Chili Cook-Off with his "5-Alarm Barn-Burning Baby-Meat Chili" recipe.

In 1996, Kerry was arrested for beating a homeless person to death with a picnic table.

Wait... that was Glenn Reynolds. Sorry.

Kerry was arrested after he beat his maid to death for not getting the skidmarks out of his pink silk boxers.

Actually he had his butler handle the beating part, as he didn't want to risk mussing his important-looking hair.

Bush forces his dog, Barney, to use a litter box.

In a blind taste test, Kerry chose Hunts.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

KERRY'S CABINET

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

God forbid Kerry ever gets elected, but if he does, who might he appoint to his Cabinet? I shall speculate thusly:

Agriculture - Kevin Kostner who, in Field of Dreams, plowed under his cash crop in the middle of the growing season to build a baseball diamond in the middle of nowhere, because he heard voices in his head. Since this makes about as much sense as the average Federal farm program, he'd be a good fit.

Commerce - Hillary Clinton. Anyone who can make $100,000 off cattle futures in 6 months must be pretty smart when it comes to buying and selling.

Defense - Ellie Mae Clampett. With that slingshot of hers, she could easily kill terrorists with spitballs.

Education - Mrs. Krabappel. She'll fix America's schools if she has to sleep with every single principal to do it.

Energy - Richard Simmons. He always seems perky.

Healthy & Human Services - Heidi Fleiss. She knows ALL about servicing.

Homeland Security - Barney Fife. With our French allies keeping us safe from terrorists, surely we need no more to protect this country than one man carrying a bullet in his shirt pocket.

Housing and Urban Development - Jimmy Carter. When he's not busy chumming it up with commies, he swings a mean hammer and could get a lot of houses built.

Interior - Monica Lewinsky. The experiences of her interior are well documented.

Labor - Bobbi McCaughey.

State - Michael Moore. Based on Matty O'Blackfive's recommendation (see Hollywood Hijinks section, second to last paragraph).

Transportation - That guy who invented the stretch Hummer.

Treasury - Me. I think I could bring honor to his administration.

Veterans Affairs - Lyndie England. She has experience with both.

Attorney General - Johnny Cochran. For his unparalleled ability to bust a rhyme.

Administrator, Environmental Protection Agency - Ralph Nader. Mostly just to shut him up for '08.

Director, Office of Management and Budget - Arthur Andersen. Say good-bye to embarrassing budget deficits with the world's most creative accountant.

Director, National Drug Control Policy - Ricky Williams. Now THERE'S a man who could single-handedly eliminate the nation's illegal drug supply.

U.S. Trade Representative - George W. Bush. He knows how to trade blood for oil.

And if Kerry ever elevates the Surgeon General to Cabinet status, he can always appoint his wife, Scary Terry Kerry, for her ability to cure arthritis with fruit & booze.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

JOHN KERRY'S SENSITIVE WAR ON TERROR

JOHN KERRY'S SENSITIVE WAR ON TERROR
(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

If John Kerry is elected president, I expect him to issue the following order to the Department of Defense:

To keep my campaign promise of fighting a more sensitive war on terror, please make the following nomenclature adjustments to all orders, directives, memos, and press releases by your department. On the left are the old, insensitive terms you are no longer to use, followed by their approved substitutes:

Terrorists - Fuzzy Bunnies
US Army - Happy Campers
US Marines - Power Puff Girls
US Navy - Free Willies
US Air Force - Butterflies
Killed - Went to Disneyland
Wounded - Kissed on the forehead
Attacked - Hugged
War - Summit meeting

A sample press release might read: "The summit meeting in Iraq was quite eventful today. In a joint operation between the Happy Campers, Power Puff Girls, Free Willies, and Butterflies, a group of fuzzy bunnies were hugged. Dozens went to Disneyland, while hundreds more were kissed on the forehead."

Thank you for your cooperation, and have a pleasant day.

Personally, I say send 'em all to Disneyland.

Dead terrorists don't have feelings to hurt, which is plenty sensitive enough for me.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

AL SADR'S ADVICE TO KERRY

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

The following is from a secret memo that Muqtada al-Sadr faxed to the Kerry campaign from Abilene Baghdad:

My Dearest Sahib John F'n Kerry,

It has come to my attention that you are doing poorly in the polls. This disappoints me greatly. I need you to get elected if I want to live to see the end of Ramadan this year.

For both our sakes, please implement the following suggestions:

You did well to sneak your secret pen-gun into the debates last time. Next time, remember to take the bullet out of your shirt pocket before trying to shoot Bush, OK there, Deputy Fife?

Try rigging an improvised explosive device in Bush's podium. These are very simple to construct, and I know you have a can of Clairol Ultra-Important Hair Spray somewhere that you can attach a fuse to.

Set it to go off when he says "nu-cu-lar".

If you can't eliminate Bush during the debates, you'll have to out-campaign him. Have your people offer a "negative campaign ad cease fire". After he accepts, saturate the airwaves with claims that he's a drunken, AWOL coke-head.

Be sure to mention that he also looks like a chimp.

If Bush accuses you of flip-flopping, fire a gun into the air and scream "ULULULULULULU!"

When the campaign donation from Yassir Arafat arrives, don't spend it. His checks have been bouncing lately.

If you get more than 5% behind in the polls, try blowing up a police station.

Finally please make that girly-man Edwards wear a burkha so that the faithful aren't tempted by his soft, pouty lips.

Your Avid Fan,

Muqtada

P.S. Don't let the pajamhadeen get ahold of this memo, or it'll be SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS! for both of us.

DEBATE QUESTIONS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

The Presidential debates are coming up, and I'm tired of those softball questions they keep asking, like "what's your favorite color?" and "do you prefer boxers or briefs?" It's time to get serious and ask important questions, like:

For Kerry:

Your wife, Teresa, keeps saying embarrassing things on the campaign trail, making you look bad and dragging down you poll numbers. Is she actually Karl Rove in drag, and, if so, how does this affect the performance of her "wifely duties"?

You have been accused of waffling on the Iraq issue, as well as everything else. How do you respond to this charge? Please give only one answer.

Is your new orange hue an attempt to bring diversity to your otherwise lily-white campaign, or are you merely courting the Oompa-Loompa vote?

How do you plan to convince the French to send troops to Iraq? Also please explain how their Crack Surrender Squad is a more effective fighting force than a division of American Marines.

You have said that you want to free America from its dependence on foreign oil. Doesn't Bush's war in Iraq already accomplish that by stealing Iraq's oil, thus making it non-foreign?

You want America to be "respected instead of feared". Have you considered the fact that both fearful and respectful terrorists can still attack us, but dead ones can't?

Will your health care program include free Botox injections? Just askin'.

The Swift Boat Veterans for Truth have been airing some very strongly worded attack-ads against you. Will you retailiate by shooting them in the back and stealing their rocket launchers?

And just to be fair, a couple for the President:

Your credentials for fighting the War On Terror are well established, but what are you doing to combat the well-documented monkey menace that currently threatens our nation? Also, do you think your chimp-like ears will help or hinder this endeavor?

If John Kerry is elected President, will you be stealing all the "F" keys from the White House computers?

Here's hoping that Thursday's debate is run cleanly and fairly.

And that Kerry experiences the first of the 4 losses he can expect before November 3rd.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NEW MEMOS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

At great risk to life and limb, I wiretapped a certain Kinko's fax machine in Abilene, so I know all about the new memos that CBS has gotten in. Over the next week or so, you can probably expect to hear the following unquestionable truths about George W. Bush, since the new memos will clearly show that:

Bush once received preferential treatment after giving an apple to his third grade teacher.

Which also raises questions about whether W. is secretly in the pocket of Big Fruit.

Bob Dole was obviously in league with Big Pineapple, and he was ALSO a Republican, which raises questions about whether America is actually controlled by a three-pronged Fruit-Pepsi-Viagra cabal.

George W Bush used to be an oil-man. Vaseline is a petroleum-baseed product. This implies yet another possible Viagra connection.

For national security reasons, immediately after 9/11, Bush was replaced for all public appearances with a particularly bright, mostly housebroken, shaved chimp named Bobo.

The OLD memos were written by W. himself, as proven by the fact that they included the words "nucular" and "misunderestimated".

Bush once rampaged through a synagogue, flogging moneychangers.

In college, Bush once neglected to tip a pizza delivery guy, thus causing him to miss a mortgage payment and become homeless.

The homeless pizza guy was later murdered by Glenn Reynolds.

Bush receives twice-monthly Botox injections to keep his ears sticking out so far.

The real reason we invaded Iraq is that Bush beat Rumsfeld at a game of rock-paper-scissors.

If Rumsfeld had chosen scissors, we would've just nuked Baghdad.

I wish Rumsfeld would've chosen scissors.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

BOOSTING KERRY'S NUMBERS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

After the Republican convention, Bush's poll numbers took a huge bounce, leading Kerry by as much as 11 points. The Democrats responded by sending out half a dozen talking heads to go on various talk shows to say "Well, it's a bounce, which means it goes up and it goes down."

Much like Bill Clinton's pants.

But instead of trotting out wishful thinking, perhaps the Kerry campaign could take some bolder action to get ahead in the polls. How about:

Kerry could get more in touch with the common man by having less important-looking hair. Perhaps he could adopt Donald Trump's creatively-arranged dead-squirrel look.

During the debates, Kerry should turn to Bush and loudly declare, "You have no honor!" and kill him with a bat'leth, thus securing the Klingon vote.

Kerry could invent the internet, thereby ensuring that he'll at least win the popular vote.

Spend more time campaigning. Get out among the people, shaking hands & kissing babies. As long as he doesn't flip-flop and start shaking babies, this should help.

Wear a nametag so that he doesn't have to keep asking people if they know who he is.

The nametag will also come in handy during his next job. Which he won't have very long, since his manager will get sick of him saying, "I gave them fries with that before I didn't give them fries with that."

Legally change his name to an unpronouncable symbol, and have people refer to him as "the candidate formerly known as loser".

Try to be more like Bill Clinton by having Teresa appear at public functions in a slightly stained blue dress.

Wear a thong and pat John Edwards on the ass a lot. It worked for Olympic Women's Beach Volleyball.

Let his heart grow three sizes and return that sleigh full of presents to Whoville.

Prove that he's not an economic girly-man by beating the crap out of John Maynard Keynes.

Shut Zell Miller up by killing a terrorist with a spitball.

Get a job as a waiter in Saigon to maintain his "I served in Viet Nam" bragging rights.

Ditch the wildly unpopular John Edwards and go with a Kerry/Squarepants ticket.

Trust me, John. If you follow all of these suggestions, there's NO WAY you can lose.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

WHAT THE PROTESTORS WANT

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)
Amidst the cacophany of demands made by the protestors at the Republican convention it was hard to discern any clear messages. However, I think I've managed to sort out a partial list of what they want:

Dick Cheney should stop steering government contracts to Halle Berry… or something like that.

Exxon should stop putting blood in their oil. It messes up the octane rating.

It's morally wrong to genetically alter plants. Possible exception for upgrading the THC content of medical marijuana.

Kicking an unconscious cop should be considered a form of free speech, since nobody stole his oil.

AIDS researchers should investigate the healing powers of public nudity.

Public nudity should also be used to pay down the national debt.

As ridiculous as these demands sound, I DO have to agree with ONE of their demands:

DEATH TO CLOWNS!

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

KERRY'S POST-WAR ACCOMPLISHMENTS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

No matter what question you ask John Kerry, he'll somehow manage to mention his Viet Nam service in the answer.

"Where will you be campaigning this week Senator Kerry?"

"I'll be in Florida where President Bush has just finished misleading a hurricane into devastating the countryside, much like I devastated villages with my Zippo when I served in Viet Nam."

Personally, I don't understand that. I served in the Navy for 6 years. You don't hear ME referring to THAT every time I open my mouth:

"Don't you think the sky is a lovely shade of blue today, Harvey?"

"Yes, but not as blue as the shirt I wore during my 6 years in the Navy."

Just let it go, man.

Besides, it's not like Kerry doesn't have lots of post-war accomplishments to brag about, like... um... er... well...

Screw it. I'll just make stuff up:

When the Krypton Criminals invaded Earth and Superman had given up all his powers, John Kerry personally stopped General Zod by using his laser vision.

My cat was stuck in a tree last week. John Kerry stood under it and told war stories until Fluffy passed out from boredom and tumbled to the ground.

When terrorists attacked the World Trade Center in 2001, Kerry said that people shouldn't do that. You'll notice that no one has attacked the WTC since then.

Kerry finally got that THING removed from his face, so he doesn't have to keep picking at it like he did during the Winter Soldier hearings.

He bravely married Teresa Heinz so that no one else had to get stuck with her billions.

He lets Secret Service Agents relieve pent up frustrations by pushing him down. Which is why the phrase is "going Postal" and not "going Secret Service".

Defying the predictions of all the political experts, Kerry found a way to out-dork Michael Dukakis's tank picture.

He stopped the Borg from assimilating Earth by inventing the warp drive.

He ended the argument over whether it's possible for a 60 year old man to look sexy in spandex by proving it's not.

He made Michael Moore stop peeing on the rug by whacking him with a rolled up newspaper.

He rescued important-looking hair from the fashion taboo list.

He made man-on-man public displays of affection socially acceptable outside of San Francisco.

He found Jimmy Buffet's lost shaker of salt.

He gave Bluto the ass-whuppin' he so richly deserved. Yay spinach!

He turned down that job as Viagra spokesman, thus saving the nation from the incaluculable psychic anguish that the mental picture would've caused.

My apologies for the psychic anguish caused by that last mental picture.

He restored America's pride by winning the "Waffle King" title back from the hated Belgians.

He walked across America barefoot with a metal pot on his head, planting apple seeds wherever he went.

He was brilliant as Captain Jack Sparrow in "Pirates of the Caribbean".

Hmmm... I might have to re-Google those last two.

In the last three years, he once went a whole day without saying the words "Viet Nam". Which is more than you can say for the major media outlets.

And most important of all, he's accepted the Democratic party's nomination as "loser of the 2004 election" so that Hillary is free to get her ass kicked in 2008.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

TERRORIST WARNING SIGNS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Terrorists can strike anywhere, anytime, so it's important for you to be able to spot them so you can stop them before the do something explodey. Here are some indications that the suspicious-looking person that you're eyeballing may, indeed, be a terrorist:

He claims to be a Syrian musician, but his "flute" has a banana clip and a laser sight.

He asks you if you've got a light, and he's holding up his shoe.

When you inform him politely that you don't smoke, he replies, "You will".

Babies don't normally tick.

If two men are attaching dynamite to a bridge and they're not Clint Eastwood and Eli Wallach, they're terrrorists.

Small yappy dogs aren't terrorists, they're terriers. Don't kill them unless they're REALLY annoying.

Check his shoes. If they say "Nuke" instead of "Nike", be suspicious.

If they say "Nike", but the shoelaces are doing some kind of sparky/smoky/burny thing, stuff him in the nearest toilet.

That small enclosure or closed container in which selected living plants and sometimes small land animals, such as turtles and lizards, are kept and observed is a terrarium, but you're getting warmer.

If you see someone unlawfully using or threatening to use force or violence against people or property with the intention of intimidating or coercing societies or governments, often for ideological or political reasons THEN you have found a terrorist.

Or a peace protestor

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

EMBARRASSING MOMENTS AT THE DEMOCRATIC CONVENTION

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Kevin of Wizbang points out that Kerry actually DROPPED in the polls after the convention, instead of getting the traditional bounce.

Maybe it's because they haven't "gotten their message out"

Or maybe it's because they have.

Or maybe it's because of the numerous gaffes & faux pas that occurred. I have it from VERY reliable sources [makes "pulling it out of my ass" gesture] that these things actually happened during the convention and might have affected popular perception:

The way John Kerry kept "accidentally" brushing his hand against John Edward's ass. Is there NOTHING these guys won't do for the pink vote?

Hillary & Teresa getting caught together in the broom closet was obviously a staged bit of pandering, too.

Barak Obama leaving a finger up while giving the "Black Power" salute.

Teresa catching the reporter after the "shove it" comment to explain the exact where & what of the shoving.

Kerry's delightful, half-assed Benny Hill salute. Which wouldn't have been so bad if he hadn't followed it up by chasing bikini-clad bimbos around the stage while Bill Clinton played "Yakety Sax".

Al Gore REALLY shouldn't have worn that brown shirt.

Jimmy Carter was doing fine until someone let a rabbit loose. All that girly-ass screaming and profuse pants-wetting was simply unbecoming for an ex-President.

Michael Moore masturbating while the Alexandra Kerry was onstage. His excuse of "I was imagining her in a fictitious dress" just doesn't justify the action.

Ted Kennedy... a man with an unpleasant water-related history probably shouldn't make jokes about putting people in Boston Harbor. Gesturing with a half-empty gin bottle didn't help, either.

John Edwards did fine. He could've been a little more specific when he was channelling the spirit of Ted Kennedy's dead mother, but... oh... wait... wrong show.

However, you have to admire the way they fixed their f****** balloon problem. When the technician explained that he couldn't drop the balloons from the ceiling because the release lever was stuck, Teresa helpfully instructed him to just "shove it".

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

JOHN KERRY - MAN (SORT) OF THE PEOPLE

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

John Kerry - a man of wealth and taste - is running for the office of president on the theme that he stands shoulder to shoulder with the average American, the little guy that W is abusing, ignoring, oppressing, slaughtering by the train-car-full, or whatever.

But the fact is that John Kerry isn't quite on the same wavelength as Johnny Lunchpail & Suzie Homemaker. There are some thing he just... doesn't... quite... get... For example:

If you want to impress chicks with your "package" it helps if it's not 2/3 empty.

"Speaking French" is only an asset if it describes your kissing technique.

Some people would've been happier if that "son of a bitch" Secret Service agent really HAD pushed him down on the ski slope.

"Nuance" and "double-talking bullshit" are synonymous.

It's not that people don't know who he is, it's just that they don't care.

Nobody over the age of 50 should wear spandex.

It's ok to marry an heiress, but TWO of them? Come, on John, don't be a pig about it. Leave some for the rest of us.

He REALLY needs a better plan for promoting job growth than "I'm going to hire another chauffeur next week".

On the bright side, he DID manage to miss 80% of the Senate votes this year. If he could promise me a 25% increase in that figure, I'd vote for him myself.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

EQUAL TIME BUMPER STICKERS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

If you're like me, you probably get annoyed when you see stupid bumper stickers on a car like "Bush lied, people died" and "No blood for oil". Don't you wish you could put another sticker on there to make that car a little more fair and balanced? For example:

If clues were gas, I'd be running on fumes.

My tremendous Bush hatred compensates for my tiny penis.

I put a daisy in a rifle barrel and all I got was this lousy exit wound.

My momma didn't hug me enough.

I celebrate diversity by hating Christian Conservate White Men.

There are no WMD
There are no active WMD
There are no stockpiles of active WMD
There are no large stockpiles of active WMD
Support Goalpost Movers Union Local 538

Caution: Driver is easily distracted by shiny objects.

Bush = Hitler... because they're both worth 9 points in Scrabble.

My other car is a short bus.

Girly man on board.

Give appease a chance.

Bringing a knife to the gunfight of ideas.

How did you know I spoke French?

Wishing really hard will make terrorists go away.

And my personal favorite:

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

MICHAEL MOORE'S DEATH

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

I'm going to go out on a limb here and suggest that Michael Moore will die some day. How will it happen? I have a few theoretical speculations:

When he goes up to accept the "Best Documentary" award at the next Oscars, he'll rant and froth for a while, then have himself a massive "I'm comin' Elizabeth!" chest-gripping infarction. No one will try to save him, because everyone will assume that he's having a fictitious heart attack.

During a trip to the zoo, he'll be torn apart by an overly-enthusiastic anal-mating from an amorous rhino.

Girly-slapped to death by Al Franken during an argument over who hates Bush more.

Blunt force trauma resulting from when one of the astronauts doing repairs outside the International Space Station "accidentally" drops a wrench.

Since the wrench's homing device will burn up on re-entry, it'll LOOK like an accident.

Eaten to death by ravenous, shit-hungry flies believing him to be the world's biggest cow pattie.

Hulk smash.

A terrorist will fly a plane into him.

Which is understandable, given his resemblance to the Epcot center.

Rolled away by Oompa-Loompas, never to be seen again.

Although you shouldn't be surprised to see Willy Wonka introducing "Nacho Cheese Asshat Chips" shortly thereafter.

He won't survive his trip to the NRA national convention after being mistaken for the world's largest skeet.

While mischievously lighting a fart at an out-of-control Hollywood party, he'll be blown up by a heat-seeking missile.

He tugged on Superman's cape, spit into the wind, pulled the mask off the ol' Lone Ranger, and messed around with Jim. What was he thinking?

He breathed, which made Chomps VERY angry.

Blown up by a lucky shot from Luke Skywalker's X-wing fighter.

Eaten by the Sta-Puft Marshmallow Man. How ironic is THAT?

Starved to death during the two months that it took to do a cavity search on him at the airport.

Hey, an asshole that big is gonna take a while to thoroughly investigate.

Collapsed to a singularity under his own gravitational forces and is now known in the astonomy books as "Black Hole MM1"

Personally, I wish him a long life - strictly for his value as blogfodder.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

MICHAEL MOORES THEME SONG

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

If Michael Moore had a theme song, what would it be?

For some reason, I always had the big guy pegged as a Manilow fan, so it would probably go something like this:

I TELL THE LIES

I've hated Bush forever, and I told the very first lie,
I put bad film and the stretched-out truth together.
I am bullshit, and I tell the lies.

I tell the lies that make the whole world sick.
I tell the lies because I'm such a prick.
I tell the lies that make good people cry.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies.

My lies hurt deep within you
They come straight from my foul black soul.
And when my movies say that Bush is out to get you.
You must believe it's true if the Academy says it's so.

I tell the lies that make you want to hurl.
I tell the lies that make your stomach curl.
I tell the lies that make my own mom cry.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies.

Around the truth I like to dance.
In my size 200 pants
I've written cock & bull you can't believe.
Lefty hatred fills my heart
Like the bad gas in a fart.
If it's from me it's not true
From your look I can see
You can't believe my blasphemy.

I tell the lies that make you hate my guts.
You want to kick me hard right in the nuts.
I tell so many lies, but I don't care.
I tell the lies, I tell the lies

I am BULLSHIT, and I tell the LIIIIIIIES!

AIR AMERICA'S EXCUSES

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Air America, the sleazy, pathetic commercial propaganda arm of the DNC, is having (and I'm being polite here) a few minor financial difficulties, and may not last much longer. When it finally goes off the air in bankrupt humiliation (my dead pool pick is February - I figure they'll be completely irrelevant after the inauguration), there's going to be lots of finger-pointing and blame passed around. There's also going to be a dervish of spin put on the "why" of the failure, and I expect it to give rise to such excuses as the following:

Contract with Satan guaranteeing Air America's success found invalid due to not being signed in blood.

Al Franken's thick glasses kept accidentally setting the studio on fire.

Randi Rhodes didn't talk about her nipples enough.

Too much money wasted on salaries, not enought spent on bribes to Clear Channel executives.

Rush Limbaugh depleted the nation's supply of Oxycontin, so not enough was available to make Air America's hosts witty and insightful.

Digital brownshirts kept smashing people's radios

Al Franken is Jewish, so Bushitler had him gassed.

The fact that Al Franken is still alive does NOT disprove this theory.

Air America staff constantly attacked by vicious hordes of rats and cockroaches, who, apparently, didn't appreciate the competition.

The Air America signal simply wouldn't carry. Not surprising, since vibrations in the electomagnetic spectrum tend to vote Republican.

Nobody was buying commerical spots. Even a NAMBLA spokesman was quoted as saying "we don't want our reputation soiled by these degenerates".

Air America had to shut down because of the McCain-Feingold campaign finance laws, which expressly forbid such things as speaking in direct support of a candidate, or speaking at all if you're dumber than a bucket of monkey spunk.

Although Al Franken created a lot of great material he would often flush the toilet before it could be retrieved.

I tell ya, I'll be sorry to see 'em go...

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

REAGAN'S WAR ON TERROR

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

I didn't vote for W., but after 9/11, I'm glad he won. I tremble in horror to consider the alternative. But while I'm thinking of things that didn't happen, how about how the War on Terror would go down if the 1980 version of Ronald Reagan would've been elected in 2000? We might have seen things like:

No Abu Ghraib scandal - you can't humiliate a dead terrorist

But if some of them actually lived, they would be humiliated by being dressed in harem-girl costumes and forced to do the "dance of 1000 jelly beans"

When asked to apologize, Reagan would say, "Ok, I'm sorry we let them live long enough to capture them alive. It'll never happen again."

However, being a sensitive kind of guy, Reagan would issue orders that terrorists are only to be killed with "very understanding hails of bullets"

Or "missiles of caring"

Or "napalm of love"

Upon receipt of terrorist threats, Reagan would just chuckle, order an airstrike, and quip, "Well, there you blow up again."

Some notable quotes:

"I've always thought of America as "a shining city on a hill". Now I think of it as "a shining city on a hill that rains well-deserved death down upon murdering terrorist camel-humpers."

"Mr. Chirac - go find your balls!"

"Terrorism isn't the solution to the problem. Terrorism IS the problem. The solution is more dead terrorists."

"[N]o arsenal or no weapon in the arsenals of the world is so formidable as the will and moral courage of free men and women. Of course the arsenals of the US Armed Forces run a close second, and unless you terrorists lay down your arms and take up knitting, you're gonna get a whole LOT of formidable right up your ass!"

"It is the Soviet Union that runs against the tide of history.... [It is] the march of freedom and democracy which will leave Marxism- Leninism on the ash heap of history as it has left other tyrannies which stifle the freedom and muzzle the self-expression of the people. And speaking of ash heaps, that's about all that's gonna be left of you terrorist bastards!"

"History teaches that wars begin when governments believe the price of aggression is cheap. History also teaches that wars end when all the goat-molesting piece-of-shit terrorists are dead. Stand by for a pop quiz, you Islamist assgremlins!"

"[G]overnment's view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it. My view of terrorists is equally brief: If it moves, bomb it. If it keeps moving, shoot it. And if it stops moving, empty the clip into it, just to be sure".

"The nine most terrifying words in the English language are: 'I'm from the government and I'm here to help.'". The eight most terrifying are "I'm a Marine, and you're a dead terrorist."

"Recession is when your neighbor loses his job. Depression is when you lose yours. And recovery is when Jimmy Carter loses his. And victory is when the rivers of Iraq run red with the blood of terrorists."

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

TERRORIST OLYMPICS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Since terrorists aren't invited to the Olympics this year (apparently SOMEBODY forgot to send their bribe to the IOC in time), it looks like the splodeydopes will have to sit around in the sandbox playing their very own assortment of special games:

Beard Braiding - little colored plastic beads are woven into lovely, intricate patterns in the men's facial locks, and the prettiest one wins! It's queer eye for the bomber guy!

Falafel Fling - With their bony little girl-arms being too spindly to lift anything heavier than a camel's tail, the shotput is out of the question. Instead, they'll be throwing spicy wads of deep-fried ground chick-peas as far away from themselves as possible. If you've ever had falafel, you'll agree that it's the only sensible thing to do.

Euphrates Swim - A simple contest. The goal is to make it all the way across the river as quickly as possible. Sounds easy, right? Of course, what they don't know is that Coalition forces will be dumping thousands of piranha into the river just upstream of the event. Hilarity will ensue!

Turban Toss - The winner of this event is the one who can most closely approximate the famous Mary Tyler Moore Show hat-toss freeze-frame pose.

Mecca Compass - Blindfold the jihadi, spin him around three times, and see if he can point to Mecca. Closest to the true direction wins. The rest are stoned as blasphemers.

Prayer Prattling - How many times can you say "Allah Akbar" in one minute? The current record is 117. Anyone who fails to beat it will be stoned as a blasphemer.

Burka Battle - 30 men dressed in burkas enter the ring and start hacking each other with scimitars. Last man standing is stoned as a blasphemer for wearing women's clothing.

Wheelbarrow Race - It's done with goats, and it's "pants-optional". You may not want to watch this one.

Koran Quoting - Contestants line up and are asked to recite verbatim from the Koran when given a chapter and verse number. One finger will be cut off for every error. And remember, "AIEEEE!" is NOT in the Koran. Last person still able to twiddle his thumbs is the winner.

Osama Hunt - Contestants hunt through Tora Bora to find their beloved leader. The person who finds any part of him big enough to take a DNA sample from, wins. In the event of a tie, the winner will be selected by the sample's weight, not volume. Although genetically indistinguishable, turning in goat parts will be grounds for stoning as a blasphemer.

Saddam Search - Scour every septic tank, and be the first to find the fearless leader of Iraq who vowed to fight to the death. (Note: the part of Saddam in this event will be played by a lame, one-eyed, castrated, impotent pig).

Checkpoint Charging - Contestants vie to get as close to a Coalition checkpoint as possible without getting killed. Remember, you can't get the gold if they give you the lead.

Closing Ceremonies - Survivors gather together in a circle to stone blasphemers

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

LAST GASPS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

With the war in Iraq failing to cause hundreds of thousands of civilian casualties and Bush's poll numbers looking solid, the loony left is beside itself with misery and has been resorting to increasingly bizarre behavior to get their message out. I'm sure it'll only get stranger as the election approaches. In the near future, I expect to see such things as:

Claims that the US committed "war crimes" by winning more than their fair share of Olympic gold medals.

Having a bake sale to try to keep Air America afloat. Ya gotta give 'em credit for having a really tasty hash brownie recipe, though.

Shocking America's sense of decency by staging fully-clothed anti-war protests on nude beaches.

Starting a petition to have Osama Bin Laden named as Kerry's running mate to lock the terrorist vote in a little tighter.

Threatening to post nude pictures of Michael Moore if Kerry isn't elected.

Sorry about the visual on that last one.

Insisting that the word "terrorist" be replaced by the more politically correct term "person of explosion"

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

HUMILIATING TERRORISTS

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Ok, it's kind of embarrassing to be led around naked on a leash. But Americans have worse things happen to them all the time, and you don't see us going postal all over the countryside. For example:

Guys - remember in 7th grade, those uncontrollable spontaneous erections? Ever get one in the locker room after gym class?

Ladies - surprise periods in white pants?

Getting caught with 13 items in the 10 items or less aisle.

Making a presentation with something green stuck in your teeth

And your fly at half-mast.

Having the checkout girl snicker when you buy Preparation H.

Standing outside the ladies' room holding your wife's pinkest purse.

Doing the Chicken Dance at someone's wedding reception because you're REALLY drunk, and winding up on the wedding video.

And all the attendees get a copy.

Spilling a Bloody Mary on your shirt during lunch and then going back to work. No, boss, I wasn't out drinking. Honest.

Getting that hickey seemed like fun in the heat of the moment, buy you forgot you don't own any turtlenecks.

Dropping a mighty load in a public bathroom, complete with bad gas, tuba sounds, and hearty sighs of relief, only to realize afterwards that you weren't alone.

Spending an hour searching for your glasses and discovering them on top of your head.

Much to the amusement of your giggling co-workers.

Farting quietly at your desk only to have your boss show up a second later, followed by three words of conversation, a pause, and a visible wince.

You bring your dog over to a friend's house, and he breaks training on the living room carpet.

Itchy balls in public.

Company drops by unexpectedly, and you forgot to put the handcuffs and flavored body paint back in sock drawer.

Your car stalls in the middle of an intersection and refuses to start during rush hour.

Sneaking up behind your girlfriend at a bar and grabbing her ass, only to discover it's a complete stranger's cheek in your hand.

Then explaining it to her burly linebacker boyfriend.

Trying to fart quietly and failing.

Ya know, given the choice, I think I'd take the naked pyramid.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!

NEARLY TRUE FACTS ABOUT MICHAEL MOORE

(A PRECISION GUIDED HUMOR ASSIGNMENT)

Micheal Moore tells lies, puts them on film, and wins an academy award for "Best Documentary." Now he's made another piece of crap called "Fahrenheit 911" which, I'm sure lives up to the standards we've come to expect from him.

So... what if we made a documentary about Michael Moore that adhered to the same level of accuracy? It might include such tidbits as:

Michael Moore loves trees. As evidenced by the pine tree in his back yard with the sticky knothole.

Michael Moore doesn't smoke, and won't even touch a cigar that he hasn't first "Monica-ed" with his poodle.

Although Michael Moore's favorite color is blue, that doesn't stop him from occasionally wearing a pretty pink camisole.

Not everything Michael Moore says is a lie. There was that one time he said "I'm to fat to fit in that chair".

It was a sofa.

Who was the man on the grassy knoll? Michael Moore.

Who is Saddam Hussein's secret lover? Michael Moore.

Who laundered all the money in the UN "Oil For Food" scandal? Michael Moore.

Who's a fat, bloated, liberal, asshat traitor who gives aid and comfort to terrorists because he doesn't know when to keep his big mouth shut? Michael... wait... that's Ted Kennedy.

Michael Moore has indisputable links to terrorism. Look at the facts. He has a cousin who lives in Alabama. "Alabama" sounds a little like "Osama", who is a known terrorist.... Come ON, people! Do I have to draw you a picture here?

Michael Moore was living in America on September 11th, 2001. Coincidence? I think not.

SIC SEMPER TYRANNIS!